Il trovatore
Grand opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)
Music: Giuseppe Verdi
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano and Leone Emanuele Bardare
Act I: The Duel
[Scene I: A hall in the palace of Aliaferia, just outside the chambers of the Count di Luna. The count is loyal to the prince of Aragon, who is currently waging war against Urgel, a rebel with his own claim to the throne.]
The Audience: And which side are we supposed to sympathize with?
Verdi: Well, di Luna is the baritone, sooo...
The Audience: Urgel all the way. Gotcha.
[Ferrando, di Luna's captain of the guard, is waiting in the hallway. A chorus of retainers and soldiers is also present for some reason, because apparently he needs a whole fucking battalion to guard his room in the middle of the night.]
The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOORED
Ferrando: Like I give a shit.
The Chorus: WE'RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP
Ferrando: NOOO THE COUNT NEEDS US TO BE VIGILANT WHILE HE'S OUT STALKING HIS BELOVED
The Chorus: Wait. He's not even here?
Ferrando: Nnnope. He's busy trying to look in Leonora's window and obsessing over the mysterious troubadour she loves instead of him.
The Chorus: ... so we're just guarding an empty room?
Ferrando: Yuuup.
The Chorus: Wow. What a dick.
Ferrando: Yeah, pretty much.
The Chorus: ...
Ferrando: ...
The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOOOOORED
Ferrando: Oh, not this shit again.
The Chorus: TELL US A STOOORYYYY
Ferrando: I'm sorry, when exactly did you all turn into toddlers?
The Chorus: TELL US THE STORY OF GARZIA
Ferrando: FINE BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP
The Chorus: yaaaaaay
[Everyone gathers around as Ferrando begins his story.]
Ferrando: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a father who had two sons and they were all very happy.
The Audience: What about the mother?
Ferrando: She was dead or something.
The Audience: Shouldn't that have made them unhappy?
Ferrando: She was a bitch and they were happier without her. Now stop asking questions.
The Audience: Rude.
Ferrando: Oh, and also the father was the Count di Luna. That's kinda important.
The Audience: Sooo when you say "once upon a time," you really mean "last week."
Ferrando: Actually, this was the previous Count di Luna. The current count is his son.
The Audience: Oh. So who's Garzia?
Ferrando: He's the other son. The current count's brother.
The Audience: This is way more complicated than it needs to be.
Verdi: Oh, just wait. Y'all bitches ain't seen nothing yet.
Ferrando: So, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted --
The Audience: Eat a dick.
Ferrando: -- the father and his two sons were perfectly happy and content... until one day.
The Chorus: OH NO WHAT HAPPENED
Ferrando: One morning, Garzia's nurse awoke to find a strange figure in the room, leaning over the child's cradle!
The Chorus: OH SHIT WHO WAS IT
Ferrando: AN UGLY OLD GYPSY WOMAN
The Chorus: EWW GROSS
Ferrando: So the nurse screamed and servants came running and threw the old bitch out. She claimed to be reading the baby's fortune, but everyone knew that she was actually putting a curse on him because that's what gypsies do. You know, when they're not picking your pocket and stuff.
The Chorus: YEAH GYPSIES ARE ASSHOLES
The Audience: Okay, despite the blatant racism at work here, we have to admit that it's generally considered not cool to break into kids' bedrooms. So it's pretty understandable that people would get upset about that.
Ferrando: And then the child started getting sick, which proved that he was cursed! So the count sent out his soldiers to capture the old gypsy woman, and then they burned her at the stake for witchcraft!
The Audience: That, on the other hand, seems like an overreaction.
The Chorus: THE BITCH TOTALLY HAD IT COMING
The Audience: Of course. Because babies never get sick unless they're cursed.
Ferrando: But the story doesn't end there! The gypsy woman's daughter stole Garzia from his crib and threw him on her mother's pyre as an act of revenge on the count!
The Audience: Whoa. This got dark really quickly.
Ferrando: They found the child's blackened bones amid the smoldering remains of the pyre.
The Chorus: FUCKING EVIL GYPSIES
Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT
The Chorus: So how did the old count deal with his son getting char-broiled?
Ferrando: He pretty much went crazy from grief and died. But he still believed that Garzia was alive somewhere, and he made his remaining son promise to keep searching for his brother and the crazy gypsy woman.
The Chorus: But he was never found?
Ferrando: Of course not. He's dead and buried and there's no chance whatsoever that this story will be important later in the opera.
Verdi: Hint hint.
The Audience: Yeah, we got it.
The Chorus: And was the old gypsy's daughter ever found?
Ferrando: No, but I'm sure we'll catch her some day. I'd recognize that crazy bitch anywhere.
Verdi: Also hint hint.
The Audience: Shut up. You're as bad as Donizetti.
Verdi: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The Chorus: WOO LET'S CATCH HER AND SEND HER TO HELL TO MEET HER MOM
Ferrando: Actually, some people believe that the old gypsy woman's spirit still haunts the castle, and she appears to people in various shapes to frighten them.
The Audience: Is this foreshadowing too?
Verdi: No, this part actually has no significance to the rest of the plot.
The Chorus: OH YEAH WE'VE SEEN HER FLYING AROUND IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL AND SOMETIMES A CROW
The Audience: Either that or you just saw normal birds.
The Chorus: NO IT WAS TOTALLY THE OLD GYPSY
Ferrando: AND ONE SERVANT DIED OF FRIGHT BECAUSE HE PUNCHED THE GYPSY IN THE FOREHEAD
The Chorus: THAT WAS RANDOM BUT OKAY SURE
Ferrando: SHE APPEARED TO HIM IN THE FORM OF AN OWL AND LOOKED AT THE MOON AND LET OUT A LOUD HOOT
The Audience: That's what owls do. It was just a normal fucking owl.
[The clock strikes midnight.]
Ferrando and the Chorus: AHHH MAY THAT OLD GYPSY BITCH BE CURSED FOREVER
[Everyone exits.]
The Audience: You people are morons.
[Scene II: The gardens of the palace. Leonora, a lady-in-waiting to the princess of Aragon, is waiting to see her lover. She's accompanied by her servant, Inez.]
Inez: CAN WE GO INSIDE YET
Leonora: NO I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MYSTERIOUS LOVER
Inez: BUT THE PRINCESS WANTS TO SEE YOU
Leonora: NOT UNTIL I SEE MY BELOVED
Inez: Seriously, though. Who is this troubadour guy and where did you meet him?
Leonora: At a tournament. He was a mysterious knight in dark armor and he kicked everyone's asses and I presented him with the crown of victory!
Inez: Sorry, I'm confused. Is he a knight or a troubadour?
Leonora: He's both.
Inez: That's stupid and so are you.
Leonora: Shut up. I didn't see him for a long time after the civil war broke out -- but one night, I heard someone in the garden playing a lute and singing a love song for me! And guess who it was!
Inez: The trouba-knight?
Leonora: EXACTLY
Inez: Okay, so... how much do you know about this guy, anyway?
Leonora: I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN LOVE AND NOTHING WILL EVER KEEP US APART
Verdi: Challenge accepted.
The Audience: No, but really. This bitch must have taken "Tempting Fate 101" at Lammermoor Community College, 'cause damn.
Inez: Look, just take my advice and stop seeing this guy because it's probably gonna end in tears.
Leonora: NOPE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HIM
The Audience: [facepalm]
Inez: Welllll if it all goes to shit, I'm going to carve "I told you so" on your tombstone.
[They leave. The Count di Luna enters.]
Di Luna: Doot de doo, it's such a nice quiet night that I think I'm gonna stalk Leonora!
The Audience: You're creepy.
Di Luna: HEY LEONORA I KNOW YOU'RE AWAKE BECAUSE THE LAMP IN YOUR WINDOW IS STILL LIT
The Audience: ... and also a bit desperate.
Di Luna: SHE FILLS ME WITH THE FIRE OF PASSION AND I'M COMING
The Audience: GROSS
Di Luna: ... TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW
[A harp starts playing offstage.]
Di Luna: OH GODDAMMIT IT'S THAT FUCKING MINSTREL AGAIN
The Troubadour: [offstage] COME WHAT MAAAAY
COME WHAT MAAAAAAY
IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU
UNTIL MY DYING DAAAAAAY
Di Luna: AT LEAST SING SOMETHING GOOD
The Troubadour: [still offstage] NIGHT AND DAAAAY
YOU ARE THE ONE
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON
AND UNDER THE SUUUUUN
Di Luna: ... son of a bitch.
[Leonora runs onstage, having heard the singing. She sees the count in the darkness and mistakes him for her beloved knight.]
Leonora: I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH
[She embraces the count.]
Di Luna: Not that I'm complaining, but what the fuck is going on?
The Audience: What a dumb bitch.
Verdi: It's almost like the count and the troubadour look a lot like each other or something.
The Audience: LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU
[The troubadour enters, his face concealed, and sees Leonora macking on Count di Luna.]
The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
[Leonora realizes her mistake and retracts her tongue from di Luna's mouth.]
Leonora: It's just a misunderstanding! It was super dark and I heard your voice and thought he was you!
The Troubadour: Oh. Okay, then.
Leonora: But really. How could you ever think I could love this asshole instead of you? He's not as tender or passionate and he's also kind of a dick.
Di Luna: Still here, guys.
The Troubadour: Yeah, he's pretty terrible. Come give me a kiss!
Di Luna: You're hurting my feelings.
[Leonora and the troubadour make out.]
Di Luna: SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME
The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
Di Luna: SHOW ME YOUR FACE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD
The Troubadour: 'KAY
Leonora: DON'T DO IT
[He pulls back his hood/visor/big floppy hat and shows his face.]
The Troubadour: IT IS I, MANRICO
Di Luna: OH SHIT THAT IS A HUGE REVELATION
The Audience: WE DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT
Di Luna: HE'S THE GENERAL OF THE REBEL PRINCE'S ARMIES
The Audience: OH OKAY I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL
Di Luna: [drawing his sword] HOW DARE YOU COME HERE YOU TRAITOROUS WRETCH
Manrico: [also drawing his sword] COME AT ME BRO
Di Luna: OKAY BITCH LET'S DO THIS
Leonora: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAN WE STOP COMPARING DICKS FOR TWO MINUTES
Di Luna: ...
Manrico: ...
Di Luna: Nnnnope.
Leonora: Shit.
Di Luna: SINCE YOU LOVE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WATCH ME KILL HIM
Manrico: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST
Di Luna: SOMETHING SOMETHING FIERY RAGE
Manrico: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT
Leonora: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Manrico and Count di Luna begin to duel.]
The Audience: This is awesome! We almost never get to see this kind of stuff onstage!
[The curtain falls.]
The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake.
[End of Act I.]
Next installment: Act II
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Amahl and the Night Visitors
Amahl and the Night Visitors
An opera in one act
Music and Libretto: Gian Carlo Menotti
[The opera is set somewhere in ancient Judea, with a star in the sky that looks suspiciously like it might be hanging over Bethlehem. Most of the action centers around a dilapidated hovel inhabited by a mother and her child. Amahl, the aforementioned child, is an obnoxious eleven-year-old boy who enjoys playing his shepherd's pipes (not a euphemism) and being a pathological liar. Also, he's crippled and he needs a crutch to walk.]
Charles Dickens: Oh wow, a crippled kid in a story about Christmas. I can't believe no one's ever thought of that before.
Menotti: Fuck off.
[And while we're handing out tragic illnesses, it should probably be mentioned that Amahl's mother – who is never given a real name because of course not – has a terminal case of being a complete bitch.]
Mother: AMAHL
Amahl: [sitting outside] WHAT
Mother: COME INSIDE
Amahl: 'KAY
[And then he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before – in short, playing his pipes and giving zero fucks.]
Mother: AMAHL
Amahl: WHAT
Mother: I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING YOUR PIPES SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE
Amahl: OKAY I'M PUTTING THEM AWAY NOW AND COMING IN
Mother: GOOD
[Amahl immediately resumes his playing.]
Mother: YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE
Amahl: trololololol
[She opens the door and steps out.]
Mother: COME INSIDE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
Amahl: But Mooooooom I want to stay outsiiiiiide
Mother: It's cold and dark and it's getting late.
Amahl: But I want to keep looking at the skyyyyy
Mother: If you keep talking back to me, I swear to God I will curbstomp the shit out of you.
Amahl: Fiiiine.
[He begins the laborious process of getting his crutch, getting up, and hobbling inside.]
The Audience: Any time now.
[Amahl moves two more steps.]
The Audience: No, really. It's not like we have anything better to do.
[Amahl finally gets back into the house. His mother shuts the door behind them both.]
Mother: Sooo why did you feel the need to be such a little douche tonight?
Amahl: THERE'S THIS BIG STAR IN THE SKY AND IT'S REALLY COOL
Mother: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP TELLING LIES
Amahl: I'M NOT LYING
Mother: YOU TOTALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU LIE ALL THE TIME
Amahl: YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE IT OUT THE WINDOW JUST GO LOOK
Mother: NOPE I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR SHIT EVER AGAIN
The Audience: It's actually there, though.
Mother: SHUT UP
The Audience: Just sayin'.
Mother: You wouldn't believe the shit that this little bastard tells me – and most of the time, he doesn't even bother trying to make it sound believable!
The Audience: Like what?
Mother: Like the time he told me he saw a jungle cat with a woman's head. Or the time he told me that he saw a tree that was screaming and bleeding profusely. Or the time he told me about the giant catfish with wings and horns that was terrorizing a small fishing village on the coast.
SyFy Channel Executives: Aaaand we just got our idea for our next original movie... "Batfish: Rivers of Blood."
Mother: Whatever. The point is, everything that comes out of the little bastard's mouth is a lie.
The Audience: Yeah, but compared with the rest of that shit, isn't "there's a really bright star in the sky" pretty believable?
Mother: HE'S A LYING LIAR SO SHUT UP
Amahl: I'm not lying! I swear!
Mother: OH GOD HE THINKS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH
Amahl: Because I am.
Mother: HUSH MY SWEET CHILD; HUNGER HAS CLEARLY ADDLED YOUR BRAINS
Amahl: But –
Mother: WE'LL HAVE TO GO BEGGING IF WE WANT TO STAY ALIVE
[Amahl shrugs.]
Amahl: Sure, whatever.
Mother: [starting to sob] IT'S SO SHAMEFUL
The Audience: Well, let's see... you can either keep your dignity or not starve to death. Yeah, that's a tough choice.
Amahl: It's okay, Mom! I'm gonna be the bestest beggar ever and I'll play my pipes and you'll sing and dance and everyone will give us food and money and everything will be awesome forever!
Mother: Aw, that's so sweet.
Amahl: Actually, I was just lying to make you feel better. We're pretty much fucked.
Mother: Shut up and go to sleep.
[They lie down and close their eyes. Soon, a trio of voices can be heard in the distance.]
A Trio of Voices: HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO TIRED
[Three kings walk onstage, each carrying a gift of some sort. They're followed by a page, who's carrying the rest of their shit.]
The Three Kings: ARE WE THERE YET
The Audience: Wait. Are these the actual three kings? Like... on their way to visit the baby Jesus?
Menotti: Yuuuup.
The Audience: Oh, god. This isn't an opera; it's a fucking greeting card.
The Three Kings: DEAR GOD WE JUST WANT TO REST AND STOP FOLLOWING THIS STUPID STAR FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES
[They see the decrepit old hovel and decide to stop there. Melchior, the first king, knocks on the door.]
Mother: [half-asleep] Amahl, go see who the fuck is knocking on our door in the middle of the night.
[Amahl gets his crutch, gets up, and hobbles to the door.]
The Audience: Seriously? He can barely walk. Do it yourself, you lazy bitch.
[Amahl opens the door, sees Melchior, and slams the door with a gasp of surprise.]
Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE'S A KING OUTSIDE
Mother: Stop being a lying piece of shit.
Amahl: But Mooooooom it's truuuuuuue
Mother: Not buying it.
[The kings have switched places outside. Kaspar, the second king, knocks on the door.]
Mother: Just answer the door and stop being a jackass.
[Amahl opens the door, sees Kaspar, and loses his shit.]
The Door: [slam]
Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE ARE TWO KINGS OUTSIDE
Mother: If you keep lying to me, I'm going to break your other leg.
Amahl: [whimpers]
[The kings have switched places again. Balthazar, the third king, knocks on the door. Only this time it's different, because – ]
Amahl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOM THERE'S A BLACK KING OUTSIDE
Mother: Don't be ridiculous, Amahl; black people can't occupy positions of power. That's what we like to call "The White Man's Burden!"
Amahl: But we're not white either. We're Palestinian or something.
Mother: ARE YOU SASSING ME
Amahl: No, mother.
Mother: Good. Since you're too busy being an idiot, I'll just answer the door myself.
The Audience: Like you should have in the first place.
Mother: Fuck off.
[She gets up and opens the door.]
The Three Kings: HIIIII
Mother: HOLY SHIT
Amahl: Told you so.
Mother: Don't be a dick. [to the kings] Can I help you?
Melchior: Can we take a nap in your house? We've been walking for like... forever.
Mother: If you're so rich, shouldn't you have some mode of transportation? Like camels or horses or palanquins carried by broad-shouldered eunuchs?
Balthazar: It's cheaper to travel on foot. These gifts we're carrying were pretty expensive.
Mother: I see. Well, I'm just a poor, starving widow with a crippled son, but you're welcome to stay in my humble home for a little while.
Melchior: Thanks!
Mother: And maybe you could toss a couple coins my way to pay me for my trouble?
Melchior: Nnnnope. Come on in, boys!
Kaspar: WHAT WAS THAT I DIDN'T HEAR IT BECAUSE I AM DEAF
Menotti: And deaf people are hilarious! Almost as funny as the idea of a black king, amirite?
The Audience: You're a douche.
[The page hurries into the house and unrolls a carpet for them to walk in on, even though they've been walking across dirt and rocks and sand for god knows how long. Seriously, it's kinda pointless. The kings proceed into the house one by one and sit down together on a bench.]
Melchior: This place is a shithole.
Mother: Poor, starving widow, remember?
Melchior: Oh, right. I guess it's okay.
Mother: Fuck you too. I have to go gather firewood so we don't freeze to death, but I'll be back soon. [to Amahl] Don't be obnoxious, okay?
Amahl: Of course not, mother.
[She leaves.]
Amahl: HEY MISTER BLACK GUY ARE YOU A REAL KING BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T BE KINGS
Balthazar: Your mom's a bitch. And yes, I'm a real king.
Amahl: DO YOU HAVE ROYAL BLOOD AND STUFF
Balthazar: By definition, yes.
Amahl: CAN I SEE IT
Balthazar: Hell no. Go away.
Amahl: WHERE DO YOU LIIIIVE
Menotti: And while you're answering this question, could you say “black” as many times as possible?
Balthazar: I live in a palace –
Menotti: – a black palace –
Balthazar: – and I own some panthers –
Menotti: – which are a slightly darker black –
Balthazar: – and also some doves.
Menotti: – which are the opposite of black. Black black blacky black black.
The Audience: YES WE GET IT
Balthazar: Can I stop talking now?
Amahl: SURE AND NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALLLLLL ABOUT ME
Balthazar: Oh joy.
Amahl: I USED TO HAVE SOME SHEEP BUT MY MOM SOLD THEM AND I USED TO HAVE A GOAT BUT SHE DIED AND I USED TO HAVE A DAD BUT HE DIED TOO AND NOW MOM BRINGS HOME A SPECIAL FRIEND SOMETIMES BUT SHE MAKES ME GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE COMES OVER AND THEN I HEAR WEIRD NOISES COMING FROM THE HOUSE AND –
Balthazar: Aaaand that's way too much information. Go bother the deaf guy for a while.
Amahl: 'Kay.
[He approaches Kaspar.]
Amahl: Are you a real king too?
Kaspar: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU
Menotti: Oh, man. Comedy gold.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Amahl: I ASKED IF YOU'RE A REAL KING
Kaspar: YES I AM AT LEAST I WAS THE LAST TIME I CHECKED
[The conversation continues along the following lines:]
Amahl: Stupid question!
Kaspar: Confused noise?
Amahl: THE SAME QUESTION BUT LOUDER THIS TIME
Kaspar: Response!
[And that formula repeats itself about fifty goddamn times.]
Menotti: It's not actually fifty times.
Me: But it sure feels like it!
[Finally, Amahl points to a box sitting next to Kaspar.]
Amahl: What the hell is that?
Kaspar: THIS IS MY BOX AND IT IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE BOXES AND I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY BOX BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO BOXTASTIC AND I KEEP ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS BOX LIKE MAGIC GEMSTONES AND BEADS AND ESPECIALLY LICORICE –
Menotti: Black licorice!
The Audience: FUCK OFF
Kaspar: – AND YOU SHOULD EAT SOME OF THIS LICORICE BECAUSE CANDY ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WHEN IT'S FROM STRANGERS
Amahl: OKAY
[He takes a piece of licorice and starts eating it just as his mother returns.]
Mother: GODDAMMIT AMAHL I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OBNOXIOUS
Amahl: BUT I WASN'T
Balthazar: Yeah, you were.
Mother: Whatever. Just go and find the other shepherds and tell them to bring some food for our guests!
The Audience: So you want the child with a reputation for being a pathological liar to go and tell your neighbors that there are three kings staying at your house?
Mother: Of course. What could go wrong?
The Audience: [sigh]
[Amahl hobbles off into the night, while his mother admires all the shiny stuff the kings are traveling with.]
Mother: That's a lot of gold.
Melchior: Yuuuup.
Mother: Do you really need all of it? And did I mention that my son and I are penniless and starving?
Melchior: We can't spare a cent. It all has to go to the child.
Mother: And who is this child, exactly...?
Melchior: We don't really know. We're just following the star.
Mother: I see. Well, maybe I can help you out!
Melchior: I sincerely doubt it.
Mother: Oh, come on. How hard could it be?
Melchior: Okay. We're looking for a child who's the color of wheat.
Mother: That's not very specific.
Melchior: He could also be the color of dawn.
Mother: So, like... pinkish-red?
The Audience: Well, you know what they say – “Red savior at morning, sinners take warning...”
Menotti: Shut up.
Mother: In any case, I know a kid who looks just like that.
Melchior: Who?
Mother: My son! Your journey's at an end! Leave all the gold and frankincense and myrrh with us!
Melchior: Not gonna happen. Help me out, Balthazar.
Balthazar: He's the color of earth. Or maybe of thorns.
Mother: You're just naming weird colors. You have no idea what he looks like, do you.
Balthazar: Yes, we do. We totally do.
Mother: Okay. Height? Weight? Body type? Facial structure?
Melchior: Um... he can command the elements?
Kaspar: And he controls the sun and moon!
Balthazar: And he can tame animals with his mind.
Mother: Now you're just making shit up.
The Three Kings: HE'S SURROUNDED BY A LEGION OF ANGELS AND HIS MOTHER IS BOTH A VIRGIN AND A QUEEN
The Audience: … Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Jesus?
Mother: I'M STILL PRETTY SURE THAT MY SON IS THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SHINY EXPENSIVE STUFF
The Three Kings: NNNNOPE
Chorus of Shepherds: [offstage] WE ARE A CHORUS OF SHEPHERDS
Mother: The shepherds are coming!
Melchior: Yeah, we got that. We're not deaf, you know.
Balthazar: [coughs awkwardly]
Melchior: Uh... right. Except for Kaspar.
Balthazar: Yeah. It's kind of a problem.
Kaspar: WHAT DID YOU SAY
Balthazar: Nothing.
[And then the chorus of shepherds makes its entrance, led by Amahl. They all seem to be afflicted with some sort of obsessive personality disorder where they can't stop making lists, because they pretty much just sing a bunch of names for about six pages of music.]
Chorus of Shepherds: EMILY MICHAEL BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPHINE ANGELA JEREMY ETHEL ELAINE PATTI BERNADETTE GEORGE BILL GEORGE JUNIOR BARACK ROSE MARTHA DONNA AMY
The Audience: GET TO THE POINT
Chorus of Shepherds: HOW ARE YOU WE'RE DOING FINE OH THAT'S WONDERFUL
[They reach the house and stare through the open door at the kings.]
Chorus of Shepherds: oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh
Mother: GIVE US YOUR FOOD
[And then the list-making starts again.]
Chorus of Shepherds: HERE IS ALL THE STUFF WE BROUGHT THERE'S SOME OLIVES AND QUINCES AND RAISINS AND NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM AND TEA LEAVES AND PORK RINDS AND TURDUCKEN AND JUICY JUICE AND GO-GURT AND POWERADE AND PROTEIN SHAKE MIX AND JELL-O PUDDING
Melchior: holy shit that's a lot of food
Chorus: EAT IT EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW
Mother: Doesn't anyone want to dance for the kings?
Balthazar: That's really not necessary.
Mother: SOMEONE DO A DANCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW
[So then some shepherds do a dance.]
Balthazar: Ooookay. Well, thanks for the food and the entertainment, but we really need to go to sleep.
Chorus of Shepherds: OKAY SWEET DREAMS
[They all leave. Amahl and the kings and the page (remember him?) go to sleep, but Amahl's mother stays awake.]
Mother: THOSE FUCKERS HAVE SO MUCH GOLD AND THEY WON'T EVEN SHARE AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE POOR AND STARVING BECAUSE THEY'RE SNOOTY RICH BASTARDS
The Audience: Occupy Judea!
Mother: I COULD FEED MYSELF AND MY SON FOR A YEAR WITH A HANDFUL OF THAT GOLD SO I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG
[She takes some of the gold.]
The Page: THIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFF
Mother: Oh. That's what could go wrong.
[The page jumps on the mother and starts trying to wrestle the gold out of her hands.]
The Three Kings: [waking up] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
The Page: SHE TOOK SOME OF OUR JESUS-GOLD
The Three Kings: WHAT A BITCH
Amahl: [hobbling over] GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOM YOU CARPET-CARRYING FUCK
The Page: MAKE ME
Amahl: [turning to the kings] Please don't let him hurt my mom! She's a nice lady when she's not stealing shit from unsuspecting guests! [turning back] I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IF YOU DON'T LET MY MOM GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW
[At a sign from one of the kings, the page releases Amahl's mother. She and Amahl collapse in a whimpering heap on the floor.]
Melchior: Look, you can keep the gold. This new savior doesn't need money or anything, because he's going to build his kingdom on love and smiles and rainbows!
The Audience: So... if you know he doesn't need your money, why the fuck are you lugging that heavy-ass chest to Bethlehem?
Melchior: Huh. You know, I really should have thought that through before we left.
The Audience: Yuuup.
Melchior: Whatever. In any case – the new savior loves poor people, so have fun with your ill-gotten money. [to the other kings] Let's get the hell out of here.
Mother: Actually, I think I'll give the gold back – but only because you were pretty passive-aggressive there and it made me feel kinda bad.
Menotti: And that was the first recorded instance of Catholic guilt.
The Audience: And by “first recorded instance,” you mean “I just made that up.”
Menotti: Yeah, pretty much.
Amahl: This new savior sounds pretty cool! Let's send him my crutch, just in case he's a cripple like me!
Mother: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need your crutch to walk, moron.
[But in his excitement, Amahl has gotten up and is walking without the crutch!]
Mother: Whaaaaaaaaat
The Three Kings: oh snap
Amahl: HOLY SHIT I CAN WALK
Mother: HOLY SHIT YOU CAN WALK
The Three Kings: HOLY SHIT IT'S A MIRACLE
[And everyone dances around in jubilation.]
The Audience: Sooo Baby Jesus cured him or something?
Menotti: Because of his selfless concern for someone he had never met!
The Audience: Either that, or Amahl was just lying about being crippled to get attention.
Menotti: SHUT UP IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE
The Three Kings: O BLESSED CHILD CAN WE TOUCH YOU
The Audience: Gross.
The Three Kings: YOU KNOW IN A TOTALLY SPIRITUAL WAY OR WHATEVER
Amahl: Sure, knock yourselves out.
The Page: CAN I TOUCH YOU TOO
Amahl: Fuck you.
Mother: Be nice, Amahl.
Amahl: Fiiiine, he can touch me. But keep it above the belt, perv.
[The page touches Amahl.]
Amahl: OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I CAN DO NOW THAT I CAN WALK
Everyone Else: YEAH IT'S PRETTY COOL
Amahl: HEY MOM CAN I TRAVEL WITH THE KINGS TO MEET THIS CRAZY GOD-BABY OR WHATEVER
Balthazar: Wait, what?
Melchior: Yeah, we don't actually want him to come along with us.
Kaspar: WHAT DID HE SAY
Melchior: HE SAID HE WANTS TO COME WITH US
Kaspar: OH FUCK NO HE'S ANNOYING AS SHIT
Amahl: SCREW YOU GUYS I'M A MIRACLE CHILD AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
Melchior: Fiiine, you can come.
Balthazar: Just try not to get yourself eaten by wild animals.
Amahl: YAAAAY
Mother: I don't know...
Amahl: PLEEEEASE
Mother: Okay, fine.
Amahl: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Mother: But don't forget to wash your ears and wear your hat and be a good boy!
Amahl: And can you take care of my cat while I'm away?
Mother: You don't have a cat anymore. I put him in the stew last week because we were about to starve to death.
Amahl: YOU TOLD ME HE WAS OUT HUNTING
Mother: Yeah, well... I lied. Deal with it.
Melchior: Oooookay. And with that awkward bit of family interaction completed, LET'S GET GOING
[The kings and the page process out of the house. Amahl gives his mother a last hug before running after the others. He starts playing his pipe in the distance, and his mother stares up at the star in the sky.]
Menotti: ISN'T IT HEARTWARMING
The Audience: Sure, except for the part where the story of the Three Kings doesn't actually include a random, formerly crippled boy.
Menotti: Yeah... he died about two days later. Mauled by a leopard.
The Audience: Oh. Wow. That's... kinda depressing.
Menotti: Yuuup.
[Awkward silence.]
Menotti: WOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS
[End of the opera.]
An opera in one act
Music and Libretto: Gian Carlo Menotti
[The opera is set somewhere in ancient Judea, with a star in the sky that looks suspiciously like it might be hanging over Bethlehem. Most of the action centers around a dilapidated hovel inhabited by a mother and her child. Amahl, the aforementioned child, is an obnoxious eleven-year-old boy who enjoys playing his shepherd's pipes (not a euphemism) and being a pathological liar. Also, he's crippled and he needs a crutch to walk.]
Charles Dickens: Oh wow, a crippled kid in a story about Christmas. I can't believe no one's ever thought of that before.
Menotti: Fuck off.
[And while we're handing out tragic illnesses, it should probably be mentioned that Amahl's mother – who is never given a real name because of course not – has a terminal case of being a complete bitch.]
Mother: AMAHL
Amahl: [sitting outside] WHAT
Mother: COME INSIDE
Amahl: 'KAY
[And then he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before – in short, playing his pipes and giving zero fucks.]
Mother: AMAHL
Amahl: WHAT
Mother: I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING YOUR PIPES SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE
Amahl: OKAY I'M PUTTING THEM AWAY NOW AND COMING IN
Mother: GOOD
[Amahl immediately resumes his playing.]
Mother: YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE
Amahl: trololololol
[She opens the door and steps out.]
Mother: COME INSIDE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
Amahl: But Mooooooom I want to stay outsiiiiiide
Mother: It's cold and dark and it's getting late.
Amahl: But I want to keep looking at the skyyyyy
Mother: If you keep talking back to me, I swear to God I will curbstomp the shit out of you.
Amahl: Fiiiine.
[He begins the laborious process of getting his crutch, getting up, and hobbling inside.]
The Audience: Any time now.
[Amahl moves two more steps.]
The Audience: No, really. It's not like we have anything better to do.
[Amahl finally gets back into the house. His mother shuts the door behind them both.]
Mother: Sooo why did you feel the need to be such a little douche tonight?
Amahl: THERE'S THIS BIG STAR IN THE SKY AND IT'S REALLY COOL
Mother: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP TELLING LIES
Amahl: I'M NOT LYING
Mother: YOU TOTALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU LIE ALL THE TIME
Amahl: YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE IT OUT THE WINDOW JUST GO LOOK
Mother: NOPE I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR SHIT EVER AGAIN
The Audience: It's actually there, though.
Mother: SHUT UP
The Audience: Just sayin'.
Mother: You wouldn't believe the shit that this little bastard tells me – and most of the time, he doesn't even bother trying to make it sound believable!
The Audience: Like what?
Mother: Like the time he told me he saw a jungle cat with a woman's head. Or the time he told me that he saw a tree that was screaming and bleeding profusely. Or the time he told me about the giant catfish with wings and horns that was terrorizing a small fishing village on the coast.
SyFy Channel Executives: Aaaand we just got our idea for our next original movie... "Batfish: Rivers of Blood."
Mother: Whatever. The point is, everything that comes out of the little bastard's mouth is a lie.
The Audience: Yeah, but compared with the rest of that shit, isn't "there's a really bright star in the sky" pretty believable?
Mother: HE'S A LYING LIAR SO SHUT UP
Amahl: I'm not lying! I swear!
Mother: OH GOD HE THINKS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH
Amahl: Because I am.
Mother: HUSH MY SWEET CHILD; HUNGER HAS CLEARLY ADDLED YOUR BRAINS
Amahl: But –
Mother: WE'LL HAVE TO GO BEGGING IF WE WANT TO STAY ALIVE
[Amahl shrugs.]
Amahl: Sure, whatever.
Mother: [starting to sob] IT'S SO SHAMEFUL
The Audience: Well, let's see... you can either keep your dignity or not starve to death. Yeah, that's a tough choice.
Amahl: It's okay, Mom! I'm gonna be the bestest beggar ever and I'll play my pipes and you'll sing and dance and everyone will give us food and money and everything will be awesome forever!
Mother: Aw, that's so sweet.
Amahl: Actually, I was just lying to make you feel better. We're pretty much fucked.
Mother: Shut up and go to sleep.
[They lie down and close their eyes. Soon, a trio of voices can be heard in the distance.]
A Trio of Voices: HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO TIRED
[Three kings walk onstage, each carrying a gift of some sort. They're followed by a page, who's carrying the rest of their shit.]
The Three Kings: ARE WE THERE YET
The Audience: Wait. Are these the actual three kings? Like... on their way to visit the baby Jesus?
Menotti: Yuuuup.
The Audience: Oh, god. This isn't an opera; it's a fucking greeting card.
The Three Kings: DEAR GOD WE JUST WANT TO REST AND STOP FOLLOWING THIS STUPID STAR FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES
[They see the decrepit old hovel and decide to stop there. Melchior, the first king, knocks on the door.]
Mother: [half-asleep] Amahl, go see who the fuck is knocking on our door in the middle of the night.
[Amahl gets his crutch, gets up, and hobbles to the door.]
The Audience: Seriously? He can barely walk. Do it yourself, you lazy bitch.
[Amahl opens the door, sees Melchior, and slams the door with a gasp of surprise.]
Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE'S A KING OUTSIDE
Mother: Stop being a lying piece of shit.
Amahl: But Mooooooom it's truuuuuuue
Mother: Not buying it.
[The kings have switched places outside. Kaspar, the second king, knocks on the door.]
Mother: Just answer the door and stop being a jackass.
[Amahl opens the door, sees Kaspar, and loses his shit.]
The Door: [slam]
Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE ARE TWO KINGS OUTSIDE
Mother: If you keep lying to me, I'm going to break your other leg.
Amahl: [whimpers]
[The kings have switched places again. Balthazar, the third king, knocks on the door. Only this time it's different, because – ]
Amahl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOM THERE'S A BLACK KING OUTSIDE
Mother: Don't be ridiculous, Amahl; black people can't occupy positions of power. That's what we like to call "The White Man's Burden!"
Amahl: But we're not white either. We're Palestinian or something.
Mother: ARE YOU SASSING ME
Amahl: No, mother.
Mother: Good. Since you're too busy being an idiot, I'll just answer the door myself.
The Audience: Like you should have in the first place.
Mother: Fuck off.
[She gets up and opens the door.]
The Three Kings: HIIIII
Mother: HOLY SHIT
Amahl: Told you so.
Mother: Don't be a dick. [to the kings] Can I help you?
Melchior: Can we take a nap in your house? We've been walking for like... forever.
Mother: If you're so rich, shouldn't you have some mode of transportation? Like camels or horses or palanquins carried by broad-shouldered eunuchs?
Balthazar: It's cheaper to travel on foot. These gifts we're carrying were pretty expensive.
Mother: I see. Well, I'm just a poor, starving widow with a crippled son, but you're welcome to stay in my humble home for a little while.
Melchior: Thanks!
Mother: And maybe you could toss a couple coins my way to pay me for my trouble?
Melchior: Nnnnope. Come on in, boys!
Kaspar: WHAT WAS THAT I DIDN'T HEAR IT BECAUSE I AM DEAF
Menotti: And deaf people are hilarious! Almost as funny as the idea of a black king, amirite?
The Audience: You're a douche.
[The page hurries into the house and unrolls a carpet for them to walk in on, even though they've been walking across dirt and rocks and sand for god knows how long. Seriously, it's kinda pointless. The kings proceed into the house one by one and sit down together on a bench.]
Melchior: This place is a shithole.
Mother: Poor, starving widow, remember?
Melchior: Oh, right. I guess it's okay.
Mother: Fuck you too. I have to go gather firewood so we don't freeze to death, but I'll be back soon. [to Amahl] Don't be obnoxious, okay?
Amahl: Of course not, mother.
[She leaves.]
Amahl: HEY MISTER BLACK GUY ARE YOU A REAL KING BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T BE KINGS
Balthazar: Your mom's a bitch. And yes, I'm a real king.
Amahl: DO YOU HAVE ROYAL BLOOD AND STUFF
Balthazar: By definition, yes.
Amahl: CAN I SEE IT
Balthazar: Hell no. Go away.
Amahl: WHERE DO YOU LIIIIVE
Menotti: And while you're answering this question, could you say “black” as many times as possible?
Balthazar: I live in a palace –
Menotti: – a black palace –
Balthazar: – and I own some panthers –
Menotti: – which are a slightly darker black –
Balthazar: – and also some doves.
Menotti: – which are the opposite of black. Black black blacky black black.
The Audience: YES WE GET IT
Balthazar: Can I stop talking now?
Amahl: SURE AND NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALLLLLL ABOUT ME
Balthazar: Oh joy.
Amahl: I USED TO HAVE SOME SHEEP BUT MY MOM SOLD THEM AND I USED TO HAVE A GOAT BUT SHE DIED AND I USED TO HAVE A DAD BUT HE DIED TOO AND NOW MOM BRINGS HOME A SPECIAL FRIEND SOMETIMES BUT SHE MAKES ME GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE COMES OVER AND THEN I HEAR WEIRD NOISES COMING FROM THE HOUSE AND –
Balthazar: Aaaand that's way too much information. Go bother the deaf guy for a while.
Amahl: 'Kay.
[He approaches Kaspar.]
Amahl: Are you a real king too?
Kaspar: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU
Menotti: Oh, man. Comedy gold.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Amahl: I ASKED IF YOU'RE A REAL KING
Kaspar: YES I AM AT LEAST I WAS THE LAST TIME I CHECKED
[The conversation continues along the following lines:]
Amahl: Stupid question!
Kaspar: Confused noise?
Amahl: THE SAME QUESTION BUT LOUDER THIS TIME
Kaspar: Response!
[And that formula repeats itself about fifty goddamn times.]
Menotti: It's not actually fifty times.
Me: But it sure feels like it!
[Finally, Amahl points to a box sitting next to Kaspar.]
Amahl: What the hell is that?
Kaspar: THIS IS MY BOX AND IT IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE BOXES AND I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY BOX BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO BOXTASTIC AND I KEEP ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS BOX LIKE MAGIC GEMSTONES AND BEADS AND ESPECIALLY LICORICE –
Menotti: Black licorice!
The Audience: FUCK OFF
Kaspar: – AND YOU SHOULD EAT SOME OF THIS LICORICE BECAUSE CANDY ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WHEN IT'S FROM STRANGERS
Amahl: OKAY
[He takes a piece of licorice and starts eating it just as his mother returns.]
Mother: GODDAMMIT AMAHL I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OBNOXIOUS
Amahl: BUT I WASN'T
Balthazar: Yeah, you were.
Mother: Whatever. Just go and find the other shepherds and tell them to bring some food for our guests!
The Audience: So you want the child with a reputation for being a pathological liar to go and tell your neighbors that there are three kings staying at your house?
Mother: Of course. What could go wrong?
The Audience: [sigh]
[Amahl hobbles off into the night, while his mother admires all the shiny stuff the kings are traveling with.]
Mother: That's a lot of gold.
Melchior: Yuuuup.
Mother: Do you really need all of it? And did I mention that my son and I are penniless and starving?
Melchior: We can't spare a cent. It all has to go to the child.
Mother: And who is this child, exactly...?
Melchior: We don't really know. We're just following the star.
Mother: I see. Well, maybe I can help you out!
Melchior: I sincerely doubt it.
Mother: Oh, come on. How hard could it be?
Melchior: Okay. We're looking for a child who's the color of wheat.
Mother: That's not very specific.
Melchior: He could also be the color of dawn.
Mother: So, like... pinkish-red?
The Audience: Well, you know what they say – “Red savior at morning, sinners take warning...”
Menotti: Shut up.
Mother: In any case, I know a kid who looks just like that.
Melchior: Who?
Mother: My son! Your journey's at an end! Leave all the gold and frankincense and myrrh with us!
Melchior: Not gonna happen. Help me out, Balthazar.
Balthazar: He's the color of earth. Or maybe of thorns.
Mother: You're just naming weird colors. You have no idea what he looks like, do you.
Balthazar: Yes, we do. We totally do.
Mother: Okay. Height? Weight? Body type? Facial structure?
Melchior: Um... he can command the elements?
Kaspar: And he controls the sun and moon!
Balthazar: And he can tame animals with his mind.
Mother: Now you're just making shit up.
The Three Kings: HE'S SURROUNDED BY A LEGION OF ANGELS AND HIS MOTHER IS BOTH A VIRGIN AND A QUEEN
The Audience: … Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Jesus?
Mother: I'M STILL PRETTY SURE THAT MY SON IS THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SHINY EXPENSIVE STUFF
The Three Kings: NNNNOPE
Chorus of Shepherds: [offstage] WE ARE A CHORUS OF SHEPHERDS
Mother: The shepherds are coming!
Melchior: Yeah, we got that. We're not deaf, you know.
Balthazar: [coughs awkwardly]
Melchior: Uh... right. Except for Kaspar.
Balthazar: Yeah. It's kind of a problem.
Kaspar: WHAT DID YOU SAY
Balthazar: Nothing.
[And then the chorus of shepherds makes its entrance, led by Amahl. They all seem to be afflicted with some sort of obsessive personality disorder where they can't stop making lists, because they pretty much just sing a bunch of names for about six pages of music.]
Chorus of Shepherds: EMILY MICHAEL BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPHINE ANGELA JEREMY ETHEL ELAINE PATTI BERNADETTE GEORGE BILL GEORGE JUNIOR BARACK ROSE MARTHA DONNA AMY
The Audience: GET TO THE POINT
Chorus of Shepherds: HOW ARE YOU WE'RE DOING FINE OH THAT'S WONDERFUL
[They reach the house and stare through the open door at the kings.]
Chorus of Shepherds: oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh
Mother: GIVE US YOUR FOOD
[And then the list-making starts again.]
Chorus of Shepherds: HERE IS ALL THE STUFF WE BROUGHT THERE'S SOME OLIVES AND QUINCES AND RAISINS AND NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM AND TEA LEAVES AND PORK RINDS AND TURDUCKEN AND JUICY JUICE AND GO-GURT AND POWERADE AND PROTEIN SHAKE MIX AND JELL-O PUDDING
Melchior: holy shit that's a lot of food
Chorus: EAT IT EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW
Mother: Doesn't anyone want to dance for the kings?
Balthazar: That's really not necessary.
Mother: SOMEONE DO A DANCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW
[So then some shepherds do a dance.]
Balthazar: Ooookay. Well, thanks for the food and the entertainment, but we really need to go to sleep.
Chorus of Shepherds: OKAY SWEET DREAMS
[They all leave. Amahl and the kings and the page (remember him?) go to sleep, but Amahl's mother stays awake.]
Mother: THOSE FUCKERS HAVE SO MUCH GOLD AND THEY WON'T EVEN SHARE AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE POOR AND STARVING BECAUSE THEY'RE SNOOTY RICH BASTARDS
The Audience: Occupy Judea!
Mother: I COULD FEED MYSELF AND MY SON FOR A YEAR WITH A HANDFUL OF THAT GOLD SO I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG
[She takes some of the gold.]
The Page: THIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFF
Mother: Oh. That's what could go wrong.
[The page jumps on the mother and starts trying to wrestle the gold out of her hands.]
The Three Kings: [waking up] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
The Page: SHE TOOK SOME OF OUR JESUS-GOLD
The Three Kings: WHAT A BITCH
Amahl: [hobbling over] GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOM YOU CARPET-CARRYING FUCK
The Page: MAKE ME
Amahl: [turning to the kings] Please don't let him hurt my mom! She's a nice lady when she's not stealing shit from unsuspecting guests! [turning back] I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IF YOU DON'T LET MY MOM GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW
[At a sign from one of the kings, the page releases Amahl's mother. She and Amahl collapse in a whimpering heap on the floor.]
Melchior: Look, you can keep the gold. This new savior doesn't need money or anything, because he's going to build his kingdom on love and smiles and rainbows!
The Audience: So... if you know he doesn't need your money, why the fuck are you lugging that heavy-ass chest to Bethlehem?
Melchior: Huh. You know, I really should have thought that through before we left.
The Audience: Yuuup.
Melchior: Whatever. In any case – the new savior loves poor people, so have fun with your ill-gotten money. [to the other kings] Let's get the hell out of here.
Mother: Actually, I think I'll give the gold back – but only because you were pretty passive-aggressive there and it made me feel kinda bad.
Menotti: And that was the first recorded instance of Catholic guilt.
The Audience: And by “first recorded instance,” you mean “I just made that up.”
Menotti: Yeah, pretty much.
Amahl: This new savior sounds pretty cool! Let's send him my crutch, just in case he's a cripple like me!
Mother: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need your crutch to walk, moron.
[But in his excitement, Amahl has gotten up and is walking without the crutch!]
Mother: Whaaaaaaaaat
The Three Kings: oh snap
Amahl: HOLY SHIT I CAN WALK
Mother: HOLY SHIT YOU CAN WALK
The Three Kings: HOLY SHIT IT'S A MIRACLE
[And everyone dances around in jubilation.]
The Audience: Sooo Baby Jesus cured him or something?
Menotti: Because of his selfless concern for someone he had never met!
The Audience: Either that, or Amahl was just lying about being crippled to get attention.
Menotti: SHUT UP IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE
The Three Kings: O BLESSED CHILD CAN WE TOUCH YOU
The Audience: Gross.
The Three Kings: YOU KNOW IN A TOTALLY SPIRITUAL WAY OR WHATEVER
Amahl: Sure, knock yourselves out.
The Page: CAN I TOUCH YOU TOO
Amahl: Fuck you.
Mother: Be nice, Amahl.
Amahl: Fiiiine, he can touch me. But keep it above the belt, perv.
[The page touches Amahl.]
Amahl: OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I CAN DO NOW THAT I CAN WALK
Everyone Else: YEAH IT'S PRETTY COOL
Amahl: HEY MOM CAN I TRAVEL WITH THE KINGS TO MEET THIS CRAZY GOD-BABY OR WHATEVER
Balthazar: Wait, what?
Melchior: Yeah, we don't actually want him to come along with us.
Kaspar: WHAT DID HE SAY
Melchior: HE SAID HE WANTS TO COME WITH US
Kaspar: OH FUCK NO HE'S ANNOYING AS SHIT
Amahl: SCREW YOU GUYS I'M A MIRACLE CHILD AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
Melchior: Fiiine, you can come.
Balthazar: Just try not to get yourself eaten by wild animals.
Amahl: YAAAAY
Mother: I don't know...
Amahl: PLEEEEASE
Mother: Okay, fine.
Amahl: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Mother: But don't forget to wash your ears and wear your hat and be a good boy!
Amahl: And can you take care of my cat while I'm away?
Mother: You don't have a cat anymore. I put him in the stew last week because we were about to starve to death.
Amahl: YOU TOLD ME HE WAS OUT HUNTING
Mother: Yeah, well... I lied. Deal with it.
Melchior: Oooookay. And with that awkward bit of family interaction completed, LET'S GET GOING
[The kings and the page process out of the house. Amahl gives his mother a last hug before running after the others. He starts playing his pipe in the distance, and his mother stares up at the star in the sky.]
Menotti: ISN'T IT HEARTWARMING
The Audience: Sure, except for the part where the story of the Three Kings doesn't actually include a random, formerly crippled boy.
Menotti: Yeah... he died about two days later. Mauled by a leopard.
The Audience: Oh. Wow. That's... kinda depressing.
Menotti: Yuuup.
[Awkward silence.]
Menotti: WOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS
[End of the opera.]
Monday, November 19, 2012
L'elisir d'amore, Act II
Previous installment: Act I
Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.
The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED
The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.
Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.
Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.
Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER
Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?
Gianetta: grumble grumble
Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON
The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.
Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.
The Audience: And how's that working out for you?
Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE
The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.
Adina: I know, right?
Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG
The Chorus: NNNNOPE
The Audience: NNNNOPE
Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO
[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]
Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.
The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?
Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.
The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.
Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.
Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?
Adina: ... yeah?
Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?
Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --
Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO
[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]
Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON
The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.
Half of My Readers: Rude.
Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.
Two of My Readers: Also rude.
Me: You know it's true.
Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
Dulcamara: PLEEEEASE
Adina: NNNNOPE
[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]
Donizetti: But isn't it great?
The Audience: No comment.
The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?
Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.
The Chorus: Yaaaaaay
[A notary enters.]
Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!
The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?
Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?
Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!
Belcore: That's comforting.
Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.
Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?
Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.
Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE
[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]
Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Dulcamara: om nom nom nom
Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?
Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?
Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT
Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.
Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW
Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?
Nemorino: No?
Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!
[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]
Nemorino: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
[Belcore enters.]
Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!
Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!
Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.
John Travolta: Seriously.
Nemorino: ... dammit.
Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?
Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?
Belcore: Obviously.
Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.
Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!
Nemorino: Seriously?
Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.
Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?
Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY
Nemorino: But I don't want glory!
Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM
Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...
Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE
Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!
Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.
[Nemorino squints at the contract.]
Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?
Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.
Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!
[He signs the contract.]
Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.
Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?
[Belcore gives him the money.]
Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!
Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.
Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE
[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]
Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE
Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS
Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK
Gianetta: Shut up.
Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE
The Audience: Much appreciated.
Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?
The Audience: Not really, no.
Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.
Chorus Ladies: oooooh
Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!
Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST
The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.
Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?
Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE
[Nemorino enters, drunk.]
Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME
[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]
Nemorino: Oh, hey.
Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.
Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...
Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST
[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]
Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK
[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]
Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?
Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?
Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!
Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?
Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER
Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM
Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO
Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.
The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?
Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS
The Audience: You're a moron.
Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME
Nemorino: OKAY
Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST
Nemorino: OKAY
Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE
Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM
Gianetta: OKAY
[A large catfight ensues.]
Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!
The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.
Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR
Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?
Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?
Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.
Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO
Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.
Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.
Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS
Nemorino: Okaaaaay
Adina: Wait! What about me?
Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.
Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.
Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?
The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.
[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]
Adina: But... but...
Dulcamara: Crazy, right?
Adina: That's one word I'd use.
Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!
Adina: How so?
Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.
Adina: Bullshit.
Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!
Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?
Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.
Adina: Oh. Awkward.
The Audience: Yuuuup.
Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?
Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.
Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...
The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.
Adina: Shut up.
Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.
Adina: You shut up too.
Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.
Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME
Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.
Adina: Not gonna happen.
Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!
Adina: They already are.
Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.
Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.
The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?
Adina: Probably.
Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn
Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR
Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.
Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...
Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.
Dulcamara: homina homina homina
Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!
The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.
Adina: Yuuup.
The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.
Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.
Donizetti: And how!
[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]
Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME
The Audience: For some reason.
Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF
The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...
Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.
The Audience: Nnnnope.
[Adina enters.]
Adina: ... hey. How's it going?
Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!
The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?
Nemorino: I sure don't!
Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.
Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.
Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.
Nemorino: People like you?
Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.
[She hands it to him.]
Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.
Nemorino: But you don't love me?
Adina: Nnnnope.
Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE
Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU
The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!
[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]
Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE
Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?
[Belcore draws his sword.]
Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU
Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO
Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS
Everyone: [calms their tits]
Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.
Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.
Gianetta: Like me?
Belcore: You wish.
Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!
Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --
Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!
Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME
Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!
The Audience: Dude... too soon.
The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL
The Chorus: Alcohol?
Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION
The Chorus: YAAAAAY
Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!
Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!
Belcore: Fuck you both.
Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!
The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE
The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE
[End of the opera.]
Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.
The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED
The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.
Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.
Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.
Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER
Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?
Gianetta: grumble grumble
Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON
The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.
Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.
The Audience: And how's that working out for you?
Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE
The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.
Adina: I know, right?
Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG
The Chorus: NNNNOPE
The Audience: NNNNOPE
Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO
[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]
Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.
The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?
Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.
The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.
Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.
Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?
Adina: ... yeah?
Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?
Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --
Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO
[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]
Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON
The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.
Half of My Readers: Rude.
Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.
Two of My Readers: Also rude.
Me: You know it's true.
Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
Dulcamara: PLEEEEASE
Adina: NNNNOPE
[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]
Donizetti: But isn't it great?
The Audience: No comment.
The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?
Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.
The Chorus: Yaaaaaay
[A notary enters.]
Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!
The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?
Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?
Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!
Belcore: That's comforting.
Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.
Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?
Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.
Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE
[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]
Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Dulcamara: om nom nom nom
Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?
Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?
Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT
Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.
Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW
Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?
Nemorino: No?
Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!
[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]
Nemorino: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
[Belcore enters.]
Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!
Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!
Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.
John Travolta: Seriously.
Nemorino: ... dammit.
Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?
Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?
Belcore: Obviously.
Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.
Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!
Nemorino: Seriously?
Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.
Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?
Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY
Nemorino: But I don't want glory!
Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM
Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...
Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE
Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!
Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.
[Nemorino squints at the contract.]
Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?
Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.
Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!
[He signs the contract.]
Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.
Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?
[Belcore gives him the money.]
Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!
Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.
Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE
[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]
Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE
Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS
Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK
Gianetta: Shut up.
Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE
The Audience: Much appreciated.
Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?
The Audience: Not really, no.
Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.
Chorus Ladies: oooooh
Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!
Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST
The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.
Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?
Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE
[Nemorino enters, drunk.]
Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME
[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]
Nemorino: Oh, hey.
Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.
Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...
Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST
[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]
Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK
[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]
Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?
Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?
Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!
Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?
Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER
Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM
Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO
Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.
The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?
Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS
The Audience: You're a moron.
Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME
Nemorino: OKAY
Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST
Nemorino: OKAY
Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE
Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM
Gianetta: OKAY
[A large catfight ensues.]
Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!
The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.
Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR
Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?
Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?
Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.
Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO
Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.
Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.
Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS
Nemorino: Okaaaaay
Adina: Wait! What about me?
Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.
Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.
Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?
The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.
[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]
Adina: But... but...
Dulcamara: Crazy, right?
Adina: That's one word I'd use.
Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!
Adina: How so?
Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.
Adina: Bullshit.
Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!
Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?
Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.
Adina: Oh. Awkward.
The Audience: Yuuuup.
Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?
Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.
Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...
The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.
Adina: Shut up.
Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.
Adina: You shut up too.
Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.
Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME
Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.
Adina: Not gonna happen.
Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!
Adina: They already are.
Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.
Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.
The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?
Adina: Probably.
Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn
Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR
Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.
Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...
Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.
Dulcamara: homina homina homina
Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!
The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.
Adina: Yuuup.
The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.
Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.
Donizetti: And how!
[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]
Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME
The Audience: For some reason.
Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF
The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...
Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.
The Audience: Nnnnope.
[Adina enters.]
Adina: ... hey. How's it going?
Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!
The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?
Nemorino: I sure don't!
Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.
Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.
Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.
Nemorino: People like you?
Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.
[She hands it to him.]
Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.
Nemorino: But you don't love me?
Adina: Nnnnope.
Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE
Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU
The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!
[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]
Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE
Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?
[Belcore draws his sword.]
Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU
Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO
Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS
Everyone: [calms their tits]
Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.
Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.
Gianetta: Like me?
Belcore: You wish.
Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!
Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --
Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!
Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME
Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!
The Audience: Dude... too soon.
The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL
The Chorus: Alcohol?
Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION
The Chorus: YAAAAAY
Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!
Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!
Belcore: Fuck you both.
Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!
The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE
The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE
[End of the opera.]
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
L'elisir d'amore, Act I
L'elisir d'amore
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani
[Act I: A quaint little
village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside.
Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a
soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead
of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and
reading a book. Nemorino, the hero protagonist of
our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina
and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]
Gianetta: Boy, it sure is
awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything
useful.
The Chorus: It sure is!
Adina: If you dirty peasant
fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to
evict you all.
Gianetta: … can she do that?
The Chorus: Maybe? We're all
illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read
through our laws and statutes and shit.
Gianetta: Good point.
The Chorus: So should we get
back to work?
Gianetta: Nah, let's just keep
repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.
The Chorus: With gusto!
Gianetta: RELAXING IN THE SHADE
IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK
The Chorus: IT REALLY SUCKS YES
YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS
The Audience: … this seems
uncomfortably familiar.
Donizetti: Hi, everyone! Thanks
for coming to my opera!
The Audience: Son of a bitch.
Not this guy again.
Donizetti: Glad
to see you, too.
[The chorus
shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]
Nemorino: God,
Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.
The Audience:
That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.
Nemorino: If
I could, I would just stare at her all day long.
The Audience:
Okay, maybe you want to dial it
back a bit.
Nemorino: And
all night. I would love
to watch her sleep.
Rodolfo: Back
off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is my
territory.
Nemorino: You
back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three
years!
Rodolfo: Them's
fightin' words, boy.
Donizetti:
GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD
Rodolfo:
Fiiiine.
[He leaves.]
Nemorino: So,
like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a
piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!
The Audience:
That's rough, buddy.
Nemorino: I
TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE
SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE
'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME
WALK RIGHT BY ME
AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE
The Audience:
Really? 'Cause you seem to be
attracting a lot of attention right now.
Nemorino:
CADENZAAAA
The Audience:
Case in point.
[Adina starts
laughing.]
Adina: OH
MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT
Gianetta: Yeah,
you can read. We're really happy for you.
Adina:
Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!
Gianetta:
Really? 'Cause you were telling
us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.
Adina: COME
HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP
[Gianetta and
the chorus all gather around Adina.]
Adina: Soooo
once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was
in love with a total bitch named Isolde!
Nemorino: Sounds
familiar.
Adina: And
he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any
attention!
Donizetti: SEE
IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA
The Audience:
Yeah. Thanks.
Adina: But one day,
Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!
Wagner: What
the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED
Donizetti: SHUT
UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS
Wagner: WELL
THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN
The Audience:
Girls, girls. You're both
pretty.
Adina: And
so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in
love with him!
The Chorus:
OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT
Nemorino: IT
SURE WOULD
Everyone:
[stares at Nemorino]
Nemorino: You
know, for completely normal purposes that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.
The Audience:
Okay, sooo wait a second. If
Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it
affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall more
in love with her?
Donizetti: It's
magic or something. Shut up.
The Audience:
It's not to say that we don't
appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –
Donizetti:
You're welcome.
The Audience: –
it's just that the story makes no
goddamn sense.
Donizetti: And
when has that ever stopped me before?
The Audience: …
touché.
The Chorus: SO
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Adina: Isolde
fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and
nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!
The Chorus:
YAAAAAY
The Audience:
That's it; we're calling
bullshit.
Donizetti:
Again.
The Audience:
Shut up. Aren't you missing the
part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part
where it all ends in
tragedy?
Donizetti: It's
a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!
The Audience:
Yeah, lots. And the happiest of
all those possible
endings is the one where
Tristan is exiled for
life and Isolde stays
married to a man she doesn't love.
Wagner: I
like the version where they both die at the end!
The Audience:
Yeah, we know.
Donizetti: Well,
you can all piss off because this is my
opera and I do what I want.
The Audience:
Just so you know, we'll be
keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.
Donizetti: Funny
you should mention that...
[Belcore
enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering
douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words,
he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on
her.]
Belcore: Hey,
baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.
Adina: Fuck
off; I'm reading.
[Belcore steals
a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to
Adina.]
Belcore: So
you like books, huh? Well, try this
literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the
golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –
The Audience: –
thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another
man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room
and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were
fighting and dying all around him –
Belcore: –
I present you with these flowers!
The Audience:
Yeah, that's two strikes.
Donizetti: STOP
KEEPING TRACK
The Audience:
Nnnnope.
Belcore: But
I'm way cooler than that guy –
The Audience: –
the cowardly adulterer –
Belcore: –
because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the
next few days.
The Audience:
What? That comparison doesn't
even make sense.
Adina: Look.
No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –
Nemorino:
grumble grumble
Adina: –
but I'm not interested.
Belcore: But
wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can
bench-press about a bajillion
pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.
Adina: Be
still, my beating heart.
Belcore: I
know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a
man in uniform, especially when that man happens to be me.
Donizetti: Could
you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?
Belcore: Sure
thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!
The Audience:
Oh, you mean like the time that
Ares had sex with Aphrodite?
Belcore: Yuuuup.
The Audience:
And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and
trapped them in a net?
Belcore: Uh...
The Audience:
That's three.
Belcore: Sooo
it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do
you want to get married?
The Audience:
Wow. That's moving a little
fast, even for an opera character.
Nemorino: oh
god oh god what am I gonna do
Adina: I'm
not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up
among the townsfolk a little longer.
Nemorino:
yesssssss
Belcore: Come
onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied
Adina: You
are by far
the clingiest man I have ever met.
Nemorino:
Challenge accepted.
Belcore: What's
the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and
gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot
guy.
Adina: Look,
just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy.
You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to
pillage this
village, baby.
Belcore: Wait,
who said anything about pillaging?
Adina: I'm
using the word as a euphemism for sex.
Belcore: Ohhhhh.
In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my
big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and
slaughter all its inhabitants.
Adina: Uh...
I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.
Belcore: Yeah,
I do that sometimes.
Nemorino: [to
himself] Dammit, he's so
suave! I wish I
could talk to ladies like he
does!
The Audience:
No, you really don't.
Belcore: Oh,
and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.
Adina: Not
gonna happen.
Belcore:
Just me, then?
Adina: Nnnnope.
Belcore: Fine;
we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a
bottle of wine or something?
Adina: Yeah
sure whatever.
Belcore: [to
himself] Oh, yeah. She
wants me.
Adina: [to
the townsfolk] What the
hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK
[The soldiers
and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but
Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]
Nemorino: Hey,
um... can I talk to you for a second?
Adina: Oh,
for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me
like you always do?
Nemorino:
… no?
Adina: Okay,
you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?
Nemorino:
…
Adina:
Tick-tock, Eeyore.
Nemorino:
I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU
Adina: Aaaand
that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.
Nemorino:
WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE
Adina:
Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything
to society.
Nemorino:
But... but...
Adina: You
should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of
yours.
Nemorino: His
pain is nothing
compared to mine!
Adina: Really?
'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.
Nemorino:
Loving you is way
worse than syphilis!
Adina: Wow.
You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.
Nemorino:
Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.
Adina: You
think?
Nemorino: Sorry.
Adina: Okay,
just listen. You're a nice guy –
Nemorino:
yaaaaaaaay
Adina: –
but you're awkward as
fuck and have no
idea how to get women to
like you.
Nemorino: My
mom always told me that I should just be myself.
Adina: That's
terrible
advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.
Nemorino: But
whyyyyyyyy
Adina: Mostly
because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck
who smells like cow shit.
Nemorino: Oh.
Adina:
But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and
there...
Nemorino:
[sighing] I
wish you'd blow here.
Adina: You've
really gotta work on your phrasing, man.
Nemorino: What?
Adina: Never
mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or
something while you're at it.
Nemorino: BUT
I CAN'T
Adina:
And why not?
Nemorino:
BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE
A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING
The Audience:
He's really not good at
metaphors.
Adina:
Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.
Nemorino: I
WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN
TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN
YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE
BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME
Adina:
… 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of
suicide –
Nemorino:
Dammit.
Adina: –
and tell you once again
that I'm not interested.
The Audience:
Good for you, Adina! Way to not
define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!
Me: Just
wait twenty minutes.
Nemorino:
PLEEEEEASE
Adina: FUCK
OFF ALREADY
Nemorino:
FINE
[They both
leave.]
The Audience:
Thank god.
[The Chorus
enters.]
The
Chorus: OH
WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN
[Enter
Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the
Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]
Dulcamara: HI
FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION
THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE
The Chorus:
ooooh
Dulcamara:
[holding up a bottle]
IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR
GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE
FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON
The Chorus:
aaaaah
Dulcamara:
ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION
LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD
The Audience:
Thanks for the infomercial. Can
we move on with the opera yet?
Donizetti: Nope.
He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.
The Audience:
fuuuuuuuck
Dulcamara:
I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD
ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW
The Chorus: HOW
MUCH
Dulcamara: I'LL
GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM
The Audience:
That doesn't even make sense.
The Chorus: HERE
YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY
Dulcamara: Done
and done.
[Everyone buys
some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets
an idea.]
Nemorino: Hey,
Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions
and elixirs and whatnot.
Dulcamara:
Indubitably! My suitcase holds
more wonders than Pandora's box!
The Audience:
THAT'S FOUR
Donizetti: You
know what? I don't even care anymore.
Nemorino:
Awesome. Would you possibly
happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?
Dulcamara: I
have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Nemorino:
You know, like... an elixir of love?
Dulcamara: Oh,
right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll
let you have it for –
Nemorino:
[counting his money]
I have seventy-five cents.
Dulcamara: –
seventy-five cents!
[Dulcamara
takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]
Nemorino:
OH
WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH
Dulcamara:
You're
welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!
Nemorino:
So
how do I use it?
Dulcamara:
You
drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by
which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any
unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out
of their hard-earned cash.
Nemorino:
What?
Dulcamara:
Nothing.
No refunds, by the way.
Nemorino:
I'm
sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?
Dulcamara:
It
tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since
it's definitely
magical and
totally not
a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.
Nemorino:
Awesome.
Thanks!
Dulcamara:
Also,
you have to promise not to tell anyone.
Nemorino:
I promise!
Dulcamara:
Wonderful!
Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.
Nemorino:
But I only want one
particular woman
because she's my true love!
Dulcamara:
It's
funny how you think I give a shit. Later!
[Dulcamara
exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]
Nemorino: You
know, it really does
taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!
[He
chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are
instantly visible, because of course they are.]
Nemorino: LA
LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED
The Audience:
So... was the alcohol instantly
absorbed into his bloodstream or something?
Donizetti:
Apparently.
The Audience:
Wow. It really is
magic.
[Adina
enters.]
Adina:
WHO
THE FUCK IS SINGING
Nemorino:
LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!
[He
pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]
Adina:
Oh,
it's just Nemorono.
What the hell is he so happy about?
Nemorino:
Rrrgh,
why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?
Adina:
Is
he actually ignoring me? The village
idiot
is ignoring me?
Nemorino: [to
himself] Laugh while you
can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be begging
to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!
The Audience:
That's a terrible name for your
penis.
Adina: I
think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.
[She
approaches him.]
Adina:
Soooo
you seem pretty happy.
Nemorino:
Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.
Adina:
You
know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and
richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I am,
I'm gonna call bullshit.
Nemorino:
GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH
Adina:
WHY
ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME
The
Audience: Oh,
just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.
Belcore:
[offstage]
DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH
IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED
Nemorino: Not
this
guy again.
Adina: Why,
are you jealous?
Nemorino:
NO
[Belcore
enters.]
Belcore: Hey,
baby. Did you miss me?
Adina: Not
even remotely.
Belcore: I
love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?
Adina: [looking
at Nemorino] Maaaaybe.
As long as he's not jealous or anything.
Nemorino: DO
WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE
Adina: Okay,
fine. [to Belcore]
Let's get married!
Belcore:
yessssss
Nemorino:
motherfucker
Adina: How
does six days from now sound?
The Audience:
Like you've already got a bun
in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your
baby-daddy?
Belcore: It
sounds great!
Nemorino:
AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES
Belcore: What
the hell is he talking about?
Adina: Fucked
if I know. He's an idiot.
Belcore: Do
you mind if I kick his ass?
Adina: Be
my guest!
[Belcore
is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters,
followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]
Gianetta:
SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A
MESSAGE FOR YOU
[She
hands Belcore a note.]
Belcore:
[reading]
It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow
morning!
The Chorus: OH
NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING
Nemorino:
WOOHOO
The Soldiers:
Are we going to war or
something?
Belcore: How
the fuck should I know? [to
Adina] It looks like
we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.
Adina: This
is my disappointed face.
Belcore: Will
you be true to me while I'm gone?
Adina: It's
almost definitely a possibility!
Nemorino: [to
himself] Oh man, I can't
wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!
Belcore: Unless
maybe you'd like to get married today... ?
Nemorino: What?
NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA
Adina: Aaaand
there's
the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. [to
Belcore] Sure! Today's a
great
day for a wedding!
Nemorino:
MOTHERFUCKER
The Chorus:
YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS
The Audience:
Yeah, because they always turn
out so well
in Donizetti operas.
Nemorino:
ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW
Belcore: It's
none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I
wreck your shit.
Adina: It's
okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with
me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.
Gianetta: HA
HA WHAT A PUSSY
Everyone:
[laughs at Nemorino]
Nemorino: But...
but...
Adina: [aside]
This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to
inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that
I have absolutely no
intention whatsoever of
going through with this wedding.
The Audience:
That... seems a little harsh.
Adina:
Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and
Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they
once were!
The Audience:
Holy shit. We didn't know this
opera had a villain.
Donizetti: Oh,
yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.
[Nemorino
has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd
mocks him.]
Belcore:
EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE
WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO
The Chorus:
WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON
Nemorino:
[weeps softly]
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