Monday, December 10, 2012

Il trovatore, Act I

Il trovatore
Grand opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)

Music: Giuseppe Verdi
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano and Leone Emanuele Bardare
 

Act I: The Duel

[Scene I: A hall in the palace of Aliaferia, just outside the chambers of the Count di Luna. The count is loyal to the prince of Aragon, who is currently waging war against Urgel, a rebel with his own claim to the throne.]

The Audience: And which side are we supposed to sympathize with?

Verdi: Well, di Luna is the baritone, sooo...

The Audience: Urgel all the way. Gotcha.

[Ferrando, di Luna's captain of the guard, is waiting in the hallway. A chorus of retainers and soldiers is also present for some reason, because apparently he needs a whole fucking battalion to guard his room in the middle of the night.]

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOORED

Ferrando: Like I give a shit.

The Chorus: WE'RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP

Ferrando: NOOO THE COUNT NEEDS US TO BE VIGILANT WHILE HE'S OUT STALKING HIS BELOVED

The Chorus: Wait. He's not even here?

Ferrando: Nnnope. He's busy trying to look in Leonora's window and obsessing over the mysterious troubadour she loves instead of him.

The Chorus: ... so we're just guarding an empty room?

Ferrando: Yuuup.

The Chorus: Wow. What a dick.

Ferrando: Yeah, pretty much.

The Chorus: ...

Ferrando: ...

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOOOOORED

Ferrando: Oh, not this shit again.

The Chorus: TELL US A STOOORYYYY

Ferrando: I'm sorry, when exactly did you all turn into toddlers?

The Chorus: TELL US THE STORY OF GARZIA

Ferrando: FINE BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP

The Chorus: yaaaaaay

[Everyone gathers around as Ferrando begins his story.]

Ferrando: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a father who had two sons and they were all very happy.

The Audience: What about the mother?

Ferrando: She was dead or something.

The Audience: Shouldn't that have made them unhappy?

Ferrando: She was a bitch and they were happier without her. Now stop asking questions.

The Audience: Rude.

Ferrando: Oh, and also the father was the Count di Luna. That's kinda important.

The Audience: Sooo when you say "once upon a time," you really mean "last week."

Ferrando: Actually, this was the previous Count di Luna. The current count is his son.

The Audience: Oh. So who's Garzia?

Ferrando: He's the other son. The current count's brother.

The Audience: This is way more complicated than it needs to be.

Verdi: Oh, just wait. Y'all bitches ain't seen nothing yet.

Ferrando: So, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted --

The Audience: Eat a dick.

Ferrando: -- the father and his two sons were perfectly happy and content... until one day.

The Chorus: OH NO WHAT HAPPENED

Ferrando: One morning, Garzia's nurse awoke to find a strange figure in the room, leaning over the child's cradle!

The Chorus: OH SHIT WHO WAS IT

Ferrando: AN UGLY OLD GYPSY WOMAN

The Chorus: EWW GROSS

Ferrando: So the nurse screamed and servants came running and threw the old bitch out. She claimed to be reading the baby's fortune, but everyone knew that she was actually putting a curse on him because that's what gypsies do. You know, when they're not picking your pocket and stuff.

The Chorus: YEAH GYPSIES ARE ASSHOLES

The Audience: Okay, despite the blatant racism at work here, we have to admit that it's generally considered not cool to break into kids' bedrooms. So it's pretty understandable that people would get upset about that.

Ferrando: And then the child started getting sick, which proved that he was cursed! So the count sent out his soldiers to capture the old gypsy woman, and then they burned her at the stake for witchcraft!

The Audience: That, on the other hand, seems like an overreaction.

The Chorus: THE BITCH TOTALLY HAD IT COMING

The Audience: Of course. Because babies never get sick unless they're cursed.

Ferrando: But the story doesn't end there! The gypsy woman's daughter stole Garzia from his crib and threw him on her mother's pyre as an act of revenge on the count!

The Audience: Whoa. This got dark really quickly.

Ferrando: They found the child's blackened bones amid the smoldering remains of the pyre.

The Chorus: FUCKING EVIL GYPSIES

Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT

The Chorus: So how did the old count deal with his son getting char-broiled?

Ferrando: He pretty much went crazy from grief and died. But he still believed that Garzia was alive somewhere, and he made his remaining son promise to keep searching for his brother and the crazy gypsy woman.

The Chorus: But he was never found?

Ferrando: Of course not. He's dead and buried and there's no chance whatsoever that this story will be important later in the opera.

Verdi: Hint hint.

The Audience: Yeah, we got it.

The Chorus: And was the old gypsy's daughter ever found?

Ferrando: No, but I'm sure we'll catch her some day. I'd recognize that crazy bitch anywhere.

Verdi: Also hint hint.

The Audience: Shut up. You're as bad as Donizetti.

Verdi: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

The Chorus: WOO LET'S CATCH HER AND SEND HER TO HELL TO MEET HER MOM

Ferrando: Actually, some people believe that the old gypsy woman's spirit still haunts the castle, and she appears to people in various shapes to frighten them.

The Audience: Is this foreshadowing too?

Verdi: No, this part actually has no significance to the rest of the plot.

The Chorus: OH YEAH WE'VE SEEN HER FLYING AROUND IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL AND SOMETIMES A CROW

The Audience: Either that or you just saw normal birds.

The Chorus: NO IT WAS TOTALLY THE OLD GYPSY

Ferrando: AND ONE SERVANT DIED OF FRIGHT BECAUSE HE PUNCHED THE GYPSY IN THE FOREHEAD

The Chorus: THAT WAS RANDOM BUT OKAY SURE

Ferrando: SHE APPEARED TO HIM IN THE FORM OF AN OWL AND LOOKED AT THE MOON AND LET OUT A LOUD HOOT

The Audience: That's what owls do. It was just a normal fucking owl.

[The clock strikes midnight.]

Ferrando and the Chorus: AHHH MAY THAT OLD GYPSY BITCH BE CURSED FOREVER

[Everyone exits.]

The Audience: You people are morons.

[Scene II: The gardens of the palace. Leonora, a lady-in-waiting to the princess of Aragon, is waiting to see her lover. She's accompanied by her servant, Inez.]

Inez: CAN WE GO INSIDE YET

Leonora: NO I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MYSTERIOUS LOVER

Inez: BUT THE PRINCESS WANTS TO SEE YOU

Leonora: NOT UNTIL I SEE MY BELOVED

Inez: Seriously, though. Who is this troubadour guy and where did you meet him?

Leonora: At a tournament. He was a mysterious knight in dark armor and he kicked everyone's asses and I presented him with the crown of victory!

Inez: Sorry, I'm confused. Is he a knight or a troubadour?

Leonora: He's both.

Inez: That's stupid and so are you.

Leonora: Shut up. I didn't see him for a long time after the civil war broke out -- but one night, I heard someone in the garden playing a lute and singing a love song for me! And guess who it was!

Inez: The trouba-knight?

Leonora: EXACTLY

Inez: Okay, so... how much do you know about this guy, anyway?

Leonora: I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN LOVE AND NOTHING WILL EVER KEEP US APART

Verdi: Challenge accepted.

The Audience: No, but really. This bitch must have taken "Tempting Fate 101" at Lammermoor Community College, 'cause damn.

Inez: Look, just take my advice and stop seeing this guy because it's probably gonna end in tears.

Leonora: NOPE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HIM

The Audience: [facepalm]

Inez: Welllll if it all goes to shit, I'm going to carve "I told you so" on your tombstone.

[They leave. The Count di Luna enters.]

Di Luna: Doot de doo, it's such a nice quiet night that I think I'm gonna stalk Leonora!

The Audience: You're creepy.

Di Luna: HEY LEONORA I KNOW YOU'RE AWAKE BECAUSE THE LAMP IN YOUR WINDOW IS STILL LIT

The Audience: ... and also a bit desperate.

Di Luna: SHE FILLS ME WITH THE FIRE OF PASSION AND I'M COMING

The Audience: GROSS

Di Luna: ... TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW

[A harp starts playing offstage.]

Di Luna: OH GODDAMMIT IT'S THAT FUCKING MINSTREL AGAIN

The Troubadour: [offstage] COME WHAT MAAAAY
COME WHAT MAAAAAAY
IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU
UNTIL MY DYING DAAAAAAY

Di Luna: AT LEAST SING SOMETHING GOOD

The Troubadour: [still offstage] NIGHT AND DAAAAY
YOU ARE THE ONE
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON
AND UNDER THE SUUUUUN

Di Luna: ... son of a bitch.

[Leonora runs onstage, having heard the singing. She sees the count in the darkness and mistakes him for her beloved knight.]

Leonora: I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH

[She embraces the count.]

Di Luna: Not that I'm complaining, but what the fuck is going on?

The Audience: What a dumb bitch.

Verdi: It's almost like the count and the troubadour look a lot like each other or something.

The Audience: LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU

[The troubadour enters, his face concealed, and sees Leonora macking on Count di Luna.]

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

[Leonora realizes her mistake and retracts her tongue from di Luna's mouth.]

Leonora: It's just a misunderstanding! It was super dark and I heard your voice and thought he was you!

The Troubadour: Oh. Okay, then.

Leonora: But really. How could you ever think I could love this asshole instead of you? He's not as tender or passionate and he's also kind of a dick.

Di Luna: Still here, guys.

The Troubadour: Yeah, he's pretty terrible. Come give me a kiss!

Di Luna: You're hurting my feelings.

[Leonora and the troubadour make out.]

Di Luna: SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

Di Luna: SHOW ME YOUR FACE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD

The Troubadour: 'KAY

Leonora: DON'T DO IT

[He pulls back his hood/visor/big floppy hat and shows his face.]

The Troubadour: IT IS I, MANRICO

Di Luna: OH SHIT THAT IS A HUGE REVELATION

The Audience: WE DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT

Di Luna: HE'S THE GENERAL OF THE REBEL PRINCE'S ARMIES

The Audience: OH OKAY I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL

Di Luna: [drawing his sword] HOW DARE YOU COME HERE YOU TRAITOROUS WRETCH

Manrico: [also drawing his sword] COME AT ME BRO

Di Luna: OKAY BITCH LET'S DO THIS

Leonora: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAN WE STOP COMPARING DICKS FOR TWO MINUTES

Di Luna: ...

Manrico: ...

Di Luna: Nnnnope.

Leonora: Shit.

Di Luna: SINCE YOU LOVE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WATCH ME KILL HIM

Manrico: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST

Di Luna: SOMETHING SOMETHING FIERY RAGE

Manrico: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT

Leonora: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Manrico and Count di Luna begin to duel.]

The Audience: This is awesome! We almost never get to see this kind of stuff onstage!

[The curtain falls.]

The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake.

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Amahl and the Night Visitors

Amahl and the Night Visitors
An opera in one act

Music and Libretto: Gian Carlo Menotti
 

[The opera is set somewhere in ancient Judea, with a star in the sky that looks suspiciously like it might be hanging over Bethlehem. Most of the action centers around a dilapidated hovel inhabited by a mother and her child. Amahl, the aforementioned child, is an obnoxious eleven-year-old boy who enjoys playing his shepherd's pipes (not a euphemism) and being a pathological liar. Also, he's crippled and he needs a crutch to walk.]

Charles Dickens: Oh wow, a crippled kid in a story about Christmas. I can't believe no one's ever thought of that before.

Menotti: Fuck off.

[And while we're handing out tragic illnesses, it should probably be mentioned that Amahl's mother – who is never given a real name because of course not – has a terminal case of being a complete bitch.]

Mother: AMAHL

Amahl: [sitting outside] WHAT

Mother: COME INSIDE

Amahl: 'KAY

[And then he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before – in short, playing his pipes and giving zero fucks.]

Mother: AMAHL

Amahl: WHAT

Mother: I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING YOUR PIPES SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE

Amahl: OKAY I'M PUTTING THEM AWAY NOW AND COMING IN

Mother: GOOD

[Amahl immediately resumes his playing.]

Mother: YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE

Amahl: trololololol

[She opens the door and steps out.]

Mother: COME INSIDE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

Amahl: But Mooooooom I want to stay outsiiiiiide

Mother: It's cold and dark and it's getting late.

Amahl: But I want to keep looking at the skyyyyy

Mother: If you keep talking back to me, I swear to God I will curbstomp the shit out of you.

Amahl: Fiiiine.

[He begins the laborious process of getting his crutch, getting up, and hobbling inside.]

The Audience: Any time now.

[Amahl moves two more steps.]

The Audience: No, really. It's not like we have anything better to do.

[Amahl finally gets back into the house. His mother shuts the door behind them both.]

Mother: Sooo why did you feel the need to be such a little douche tonight?

Amahl: THERE'S THIS BIG STAR IN THE SKY AND IT'S REALLY COOL

Mother: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP TELLING LIES

Amahl: I'M NOT LYING

Mother: YOU TOTALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU LIE ALL THE TIME

Amahl: YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE IT OUT THE WINDOW JUST GO LOOK

Mother: NOPE I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR SHIT EVER AGAIN

The Audience: It's actually there, though.

Mother: SHUT UP

The Audience: Just sayin'.

Mother: You wouldn't believe the shit that this little bastard tells me – and most of the time, he doesn't even bother trying to make it sound believable!

The Audience: Like what?

Mother: Like the time he told me he saw a jungle cat with a woman's head. Or the time he told me that he saw a tree that was screaming and bleeding profusely. Or the time he told me about the giant catfish with wings and horns that was terrorizing a small fishing village on the coast.

SyFy Channel Executives: Aaaand we just got our idea for our next original movie... "Batfish: Rivers of Blood."

Mother: Whatever. The point is, everything that comes out of the little bastard's mouth is a lie.

The Audience: Yeah, but compared with the rest of that shit, isn't "there's a really bright star in the sky" pretty believable?

Mother: HE'S A LYING LIAR SO SHUT UP

Amahl: I'm not lying! I swear!

Mother: OH GOD HE THINKS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH

Amahl: Because I am.

Mother: HUSH MY SWEET CHILD; HUNGER HAS CLEARLY ADDLED YOUR BRAINS

Amahl: But –

Mother: WE'LL HAVE TO GO BEGGING IF WE WANT TO STAY ALIVE

[Amahl shrugs.]

Amahl: Sure, whatever.

Mother: [starting to sob] IT'S SO SHAMEFUL

The Audience: Well, let's see... you can either keep your dignity or not starve to death. Yeah, that's a tough choice.

Amahl: It's okay, Mom! I'm gonna be the bestest beggar ever and I'll play my pipes and you'll sing and dance and everyone will give us food and money and everything will be awesome forever!

Mother: Aw, that's so sweet.

Amahl: Actually, I was just lying to make you feel better. We're pretty much fucked.

Mother: Shut up and go to sleep.

[They lie down and close their eyes. Soon, a trio of voices can be heard in the distance.]

A Trio of Voices: HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO TIRED

[Three kings walk onstage, each carrying a gift of some sort. They're followed by a page, who's carrying the rest of their shit.]

The Three Kings: ARE WE THERE YET

The Audience: Wait. Are these the actual three kings? Like... on their way to visit the baby Jesus?

Menotti: Yuuuup.

The Audience: Oh, god. This isn't an opera; it's a fucking greeting card.

The Three Kings: DEAR GOD WE JUST WANT TO REST AND STOP FOLLOWING THIS STUPID STAR FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES

[They see the decrepit old hovel and decide to stop there. Melchior, the first king, knocks on the door.]

Mother: [half-asleep] Amahl, go see who the fuck is knocking on our door in the middle of the night.

[Amahl gets his crutch, gets up, and hobbles to the door.]

The Audience: Seriously? He can barely walk. Do it yourself, you lazy bitch.

[Amahl opens the door, sees Melchior, and slams the door with a gasp of surprise.]

Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE'S A KING OUTSIDE

Mother: Stop being a lying piece of shit.

Amahl: But Mooooooom it's truuuuuuue

Mother: Not buying it.

[The kings have switched places outside. Kaspar, the second king, knocks on the door.]

Mother: Just answer the door and stop being a jackass.

[Amahl opens the door, sees Kaspar, and loses his shit.]

The Door: [slam]

Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE ARE TWO KINGS OUTSIDE

Mother: If you keep lying to me, I'm going to break your other leg.

Amahl: [whimpers]

[The kings have switched places again. Balthazar, the third king, knocks on the door. Only this time it's different, because – ]

Amahl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOM THERE'S A BLACK KING OUTSIDE

Mother: Don't be ridiculous, Amahl; black people can't occupy positions of power. That's what we like to call "The White Man's Burden!"

Amahl: But we're not white either. We're Palestinian or something.

Mother: ARE YOU SASSING ME

Amahl: No, mother.

Mother: Good. Since you're too busy being an idiot, I'll just answer the door myself.

The Audience: Like you should have in the first place.

Mother: Fuck off.

[She gets up and opens the door.]

The Three Kings: HIIIII

Mother: HOLY SHIT

Amahl: Told you so.

Mother: Don't be a dick. [to the kings] Can I help you?

Melchior: Can we take a nap in your house? We've been walking for like... forever.

Mother: If you're so rich, shouldn't you have some mode of transportation? Like camels or horses or palanquins carried by broad-shouldered eunuchs?

Balthazar: It's cheaper to travel on foot. These gifts we're carrying were pretty expensive.

Mother: I see. Well, I'm just a poor, starving widow with a crippled son, but you're welcome to stay in my humble home for a little while.

Melchior: Thanks!

Mother: And maybe you could toss a couple coins my way to pay me for my trouble?

Melchior: Nnnnope. Come on in, boys!

Kaspar: WHAT WAS THAT I DIDN'T HEAR IT BECAUSE I AM DEAF

Menotti: And deaf people are hilarious! Almost as funny as the idea of a black king, amirite?

The Audience: You're a douche.

[The page hurries into the house and unrolls a carpet for them to walk in on, even though they've been walking across dirt and rocks and sand for god knows how long. Seriously, it's kinda pointless. The kings proceed into the house one by one and sit down together on a bench.]

Melchior: This place is a shithole.

Mother: Poor, starving widow, remember?

Melchior: Oh, right. I guess it's okay.

Mother: Fuck you too. I have to go gather firewood so we don't freeze to death, but I'll be back soon. [to Amahl] Don't be obnoxious, okay?

Amahl: Of course not, mother.

[She leaves.]

Amahl: HEY MISTER BLACK GUY ARE YOU A REAL KING BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T BE KINGS

Balthazar: Your mom's a bitch. And yes, I'm a real king.

Amahl: DO YOU HAVE ROYAL BLOOD AND STUFF

Balthazar: By definition, yes.

Amahl: CAN I SEE IT

Balthazar: Hell no. Go away.

Amahl: WHERE DO YOU LIIIIVE

Menotti: And while you're answering this question, could you say “black” as many times as possible?

Balthazar: I live in a palace –

Menotti: – a black palace –

Balthazar: – and I own some panthers –

Menotti: – which are a slightly darker black

Balthazar: – and also some doves.

Menotti: – which are the opposite of black. Black black blacky black black.

The Audience: YES WE GET IT

Balthazar: Can I stop talking now?

Amahl: SURE AND NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALLLLLL ABOUT ME

Balthazar: Oh joy.

Amahl: I USED TO HAVE SOME SHEEP BUT MY MOM SOLD THEM AND I USED TO HAVE A GOAT BUT SHE DIED AND I USED TO HAVE A DAD BUT HE DIED TOO AND NOW MOM BRINGS HOME A SPECIAL FRIEND SOMETIMES BUT SHE MAKES ME GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE COMES OVER AND THEN I HEAR WEIRD NOISES COMING FROM THE HOUSE AND –

Balthazar: Aaaand that's way too much information. Go bother the deaf guy for a while.

Amahl: 'Kay.

[He approaches Kaspar.]

Amahl: Are you a real king too?

Kaspar: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Menotti: Oh, man. Comedy gold.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Amahl: I ASKED IF YOU'RE A REAL KING

Kaspar: YES I AM AT LEAST I WAS THE LAST TIME I CHECKED

[The conversation continues along the following lines:]

Amahl: Stupid question!

Kaspar: Confused noise?

Amahl: THE SAME QUESTION BUT LOUDER THIS TIME

Kaspar: Response!

[And that formula repeats itself about fifty goddamn times.]

Menotti: It's not actually fifty times.

Me: But it sure feels like it!

[Finally, Amahl points to a box sitting next to Kaspar.]

Amahl: What the hell is that?

Kaspar: THIS IS MY BOX AND IT IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE BOXES AND I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY BOX BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO BOXTASTIC AND I KEEP ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS BOX LIKE MAGIC GEMSTONES AND BEADS AND ESPECIALLY LICORICE –

Menotti: Black licorice!

The Audience: FUCK OFF

Kaspar: – AND YOU SHOULD EAT SOME OF THIS LICORICE BECAUSE CANDY ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WHEN IT'S FROM STRANGERS

Amahl: OKAY

[He takes a piece of licorice and starts eating it just as his mother returns.]

Mother: GODDAMMIT AMAHL I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OBNOXIOUS

Amahl: BUT I WASN'T

Balthazar: Yeah, you were.

Mother: Whatever. Just go and find the other shepherds and tell them to bring some food for our guests!

The Audience: So you want the child with a reputation for being a pathological liar to go and tell your neighbors that there are three kings staying at your house?

Mother: Of course. What could go wrong?

The Audience: [sigh]

[Amahl hobbles off into the night, while his mother admires all the shiny stuff the kings are traveling with.]

Mother: That's a lot of gold.

Melchior: Yuuuup.

Mother: Do you really need all of it? And did I mention that my son and I are penniless and starving?

Melchior: We can't spare a cent. It all has to go to the child.

Mother: And who is this child, exactly...?

Melchior: We don't really know. We're just following the star.

Mother: I see. Well, maybe I can help you out!

Melchior: I sincerely doubt it.

Mother: Oh, come on. How hard could it be?

Melchior: Okay. We're looking for a child who's the color of wheat.

Mother: That's not very specific.

Melchior: He could also be the color of dawn.

Mother: So, like... pinkish-red?

The Audience: Well, you know what they say – “Red savior at morning, sinners take warning...”

Menotti: Shut up.

Mother: In any case, I know a kid who looks just like that.

Melchior: Who?

Mother: My son! Your journey's at an end! Leave all the gold and frankincense and myrrh with us!

Melchior: Not gonna happen. Help me out, Balthazar.

Balthazar: He's the color of earth. Or maybe of thorns.

Mother: You're just naming weird colors. You have no idea what he looks like, do you.

Balthazar: Yes, we do. We totally do.

Mother: Okay. Height? Weight? Body type? Facial structure?

Melchior: Um... he can command the elements?

Kaspar: And he controls the sun and moon!

Balthazar: And he can tame animals with his mind.

Mother: Now you're just making shit up.

The Three Kings: HE'S SURROUNDED BY A LEGION OF ANGELS AND HIS MOTHER IS BOTH A VIRGIN AND A QUEEN

The Audience: … Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Jesus?

Mother: I'M STILL PRETTY SURE THAT MY SON IS THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SHINY EXPENSIVE STUFF

The Three Kings: NNNNOPE

Chorus of Shepherds: [offstage] WE ARE A CHORUS OF SHEPHERDS

Mother: The shepherds are coming!

Melchior: Yeah, we got that. We're not deaf, you know.

Balthazar: [coughs awkwardly]

Melchior: Uh... right. Except for Kaspar.

Balthazar: Yeah. It's kind of a problem.

Kaspar: WHAT DID YOU SAY

Balthazar: Nothing.

[And then the chorus of shepherds makes its entrance, led by Amahl. They all seem to be afflicted with some sort of obsessive personality disorder where they can't stop making lists, because they pretty much just sing a bunch of names for about six pages of music.]

Chorus of Shepherds: EMILY MICHAEL BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPHINE ANGELA JEREMY ETHEL ELAINE PATTI BERNADETTE GEORGE BILL GEORGE JUNIOR BARACK ROSE MARTHA DONNA AMY

The Audience: GET TO THE POINT

Chorus of Shepherds: HOW ARE YOU WE'RE DOING FINE OH THAT'S WONDERFUL

[They reach the house and stare through the open door at the kings.]

Chorus of Shepherds: oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh

Mother: GIVE US YOUR FOOD

[And then the list-making starts again.]

Chorus of Shepherds: HERE IS ALL THE STUFF WE BROUGHT THERE'S SOME OLIVES AND QUINCES AND RAISINS AND NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM AND TEA LEAVES AND PORK RINDS AND TURDUCKEN AND JUICY JUICE AND GO-GURT AND POWERADE AND PROTEIN SHAKE MIX AND JELL-O PUDDING

Melchior: holy shit that's a lot of food

Chorus: EAT IT EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW

Mother: Doesn't anyone want to dance for the kings?

Balthazar: That's really not necessary.

Mother: SOMEONE DO A DANCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW

[So then some shepherds do a dance.]

Balthazar: Ooookay. Well, thanks for the food and the entertainment, but we really need to go to sleep.

Chorus of Shepherds: OKAY SWEET DREAMS

[They all leave. Amahl and the kings and the page (remember him?) go to sleep, but Amahl's mother stays awake.]

Mother: THOSE FUCKERS HAVE SO MUCH GOLD AND THEY WON'T EVEN SHARE AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE POOR AND STARVING BECAUSE THEY'RE SNOOTY RICH BASTARDS

The Audience: Occupy Judea!

Mother: I COULD FEED MYSELF AND MY SON FOR A YEAR WITH A HANDFUL OF THAT GOLD SO I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG

[She takes some of the gold.]

The Page: THIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFF

Mother: Oh. That's what could go wrong.

[The page jumps on the mother and starts trying to wrestle the gold out of her hands.]

The Three Kings: [waking up] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

The Page: SHE TOOK SOME OF OUR JESUS-GOLD

The Three Kings: WHAT A BITCH

Amahl: [hobbling over] GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOM YOU CARPET-CARRYING FUCK

The Page: MAKE ME

Amahl: [turning to the kings] Please don't let him hurt my mom! She's a nice lady when she's not stealing shit from unsuspecting guests! [turning back] I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IF YOU DON'T LET MY MOM GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW

[At a sign from one of the kings, the page releases Amahl's mother. She and Amahl collapse in a whimpering heap on the floor.]

Melchior: Look, you can keep the gold. This new savior doesn't need money or anything, because he's going to build his kingdom on love and smiles and rainbows!

The Audience: So... if you know he doesn't need your money, why the fuck are you lugging that heavy-ass chest to Bethlehem?

Melchior: Huh. You know, I really should have thought that through before we left.

The Audience: Yuuup.

Melchior: Whatever. In any case – the new savior loves poor people, so have fun with your ill-gotten money. [to the other kings] Let's get the hell out of here.

Mother: Actually, I think I'll give the gold back – but only because you were pretty passive-aggressive there and it made me feel kinda bad.

Menotti: And that was the first recorded instance of Catholic guilt.

The Audience: And by “first recorded instance,” you mean “I just made that up.”

Menotti: Yeah, pretty much.

Amahl: This new savior sounds pretty cool! Let's send him my crutch, just in case he's a cripple like me!

Mother: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need your crutch to walk, moron.

[But in his excitement, Amahl has gotten up and is walking without the crutch!]

Mother: Whaaaaaaaaat

The Three Kings: oh snap

Amahl: HOLY SHIT I CAN WALK

Mother: HOLY SHIT YOU CAN WALK

The Three Kings: HOLY SHIT IT'S A MIRACLE

[And everyone dances around in jubilation.]

The Audience: Sooo Baby Jesus cured him or something?

Menotti: Because of his selfless concern for someone he had never met!

The Audience: Either that, or Amahl was just lying about being crippled to get attention.

Menotti: SHUT UP IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE

The Three Kings: O BLESSED CHILD CAN WE TOUCH YOU

The Audience: Gross.

The Three Kings: YOU KNOW IN A TOTALLY SPIRITUAL WAY OR WHATEVER

Amahl: Sure, knock yourselves out.

The Page: CAN I TOUCH YOU TOO

Amahl: Fuck you.

Mother: Be nice, Amahl.

Amahl: Fiiiine, he can touch me. But keep it above the belt, perv.

[The page touches Amahl.]

Amahl: OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I CAN DO NOW THAT I CAN WALK

Everyone Else: YEAH IT'S PRETTY COOL

Amahl: HEY MOM CAN I TRAVEL WITH THE KINGS TO MEET THIS CRAZY GOD-BABY OR WHATEVER

Balthazar: Wait, what?

Melchior: Yeah, we don't actually want him to come along with us.

Kaspar: WHAT DID HE SAY

Melchior: HE SAID HE WANTS TO COME WITH US

Kaspar: OH FUCK NO HE'S ANNOYING AS SHIT

Amahl: SCREW YOU GUYS I'M A MIRACLE CHILD AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT

Melchior: Fiiine, you can come.

Balthazar: Just try not to get yourself eaten by wild animals.

Amahl: YAAAAY

Mother: I don't know...

Amahl: PLEEEEASE

Mother: Okay, fine.

Amahl: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Mother: But don't forget to wash your ears and wear your hat and be a good boy!

Amahl: And can you take care of my cat while I'm away?

Mother: You don't have a cat anymore. I put him in the stew last week because we were about to starve to death.

Amahl: YOU TOLD ME HE WAS OUT HUNTING

Mother: Yeah, well... I lied. Deal with it.

Melchior: Oooookay. And with that awkward bit of family interaction completed, LET'S GET GOING

[The kings and the page process out of the house. Amahl gives his mother a last hug before running after the others. He starts playing his pipe in the distance, and his mother stares up at the star in the sky.]

Menotti: ISN'T IT HEARTWARMING

The Audience: Sure, except for the part where the story of the Three Kings doesn't actually include a random, formerly crippled boy.

Menotti: Yeah... he died about two days later. Mauled by a leopard.

The Audience: Oh. Wow. That's... kinda depressing.

Menotti: Yuuup.

[Awkward silence.]

Menotti: WOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

[End of the opera.]

Monday, November 19, 2012

L'elisir d'amore, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.

The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.

Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.

Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.

Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER

Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?

Gianetta: grumble grumble

Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON

The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.

Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.

The Audience: And how's that working out for you?

Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE

The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.

Adina: I know, right?

Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG

The Chorus: NNNNOPE

The Audience: NNNNOPE

Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO

[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]

Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.

The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?

Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.

The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.

Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.

Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?

Adina: ... yeah?

Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?

Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --

Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO

[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]

Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON

The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.

Half of My Readers: Rude.

Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.

Two of My Readers: Also rude.

Me: You know it's true.

Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED

Dulcamara: PLEEEEASE

Adina: NNNNOPE

[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]

Donizetti: But isn't it great?

The Audience: No comment.

The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?

Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.

The Chorus: Yaaaaaay

[A notary enters.]

Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!

The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?

Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?

Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!

Belcore: That's comforting.

Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.

Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?

Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.

Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE

[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]

Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER

Dulcamara: om nom nom nom

Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?

Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?

Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT

Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.

Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW

Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?

Nemorino: No?

Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!

[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]

Nemorino: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!

Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!

Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.

John Travolta: Seriously.

Nemorino: ... dammit.

Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?

Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?

Belcore: Obviously.

Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.

Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!

Nemorino: Seriously?

Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.

Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?

Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY

Nemorino: But I don't want glory!

Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM

Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...

Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE

Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!

Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.

[Nemorino squints at the contract.]

Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?

Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.

Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!

[He signs the contract.]

Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.

Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?

[Belcore gives him the money.]

Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!

Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.

Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE

[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]

Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE

Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS

Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK

Gianetta: Shut up.

Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE

The Audience: Much appreciated.

Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?

The Audience: Not really, no.

Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.

Chorus Ladies: oooooh

Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!

Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST

The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.

Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?

Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE

[Nemorino enters, drunk.]

Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME

[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]

Nemorino: Oh, hey.

Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.

Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...

Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST

[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]

Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK

[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]

Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?

Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?

Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!

Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?

Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER

Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM

Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO

Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.

The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?

Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS

The Audience: You're a moron.

Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME

Nemorino: OKAY

Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST

Nemorino: OKAY

Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE

Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM

Gianetta: OKAY

[A large catfight ensues.]

Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!

The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.

Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR

Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?

Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?

Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.

Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO

Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.

Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS

Nemorino: Okaaaaay

Adina: Wait! What about me?

Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.

Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.

Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?

The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.

[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]

Adina: But... but...

Dulcamara: Crazy, right?

Adina: That's one word I'd use.

Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!

Adina: How so?

Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.

Adina: Bullshit.

Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!

Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?

Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.

Adina: Oh. Awkward.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?

Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.

Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...

The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.

Adina: Shut up.

Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.

Adina: You shut up too.

Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.

Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME

Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!

Adina: They already are.

Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.

Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.

The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?

Adina: Probably.

Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn

Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR

Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.

Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...

Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.

Dulcamara: homina homina homina

Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!

The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.

Adina: Yuuup.

The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.

Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.

Donizetti: And how!

[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]

Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME

The Audience: For some reason.

Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF

The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...

Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.

The Audience: Nnnnope.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: ... hey. How's it going?

Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!

The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?

Nemorino: I sure don't!

Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.

Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.

Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.

Nemorino: People like you?

Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.

[She hands it to him.]

Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.

Nemorino: But you don't love me?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE

Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU

The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!

[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]

Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE

Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?

[Belcore draws his sword.]

Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU

Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO

Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS

Everyone: [calms their tits]

Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.

Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.

Gianetta: Like me?

Belcore: You wish.

Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!

Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --

Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!

Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME

Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!

The Audience: Dude... too soon.

The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL

The Chorus: Alcohol?

Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!

Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!

Belcore: Fuck you both.

Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!

The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE

The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE

[End of the opera.]

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

L'elisir d'amore, Act I

L'elisir d'amore
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)


Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani


[Act I: A quaint little village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside. Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and reading a book. Nemorino, the hero protagonist of our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]

Gianetta: Boy, it sure is awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything useful.

The Chorus: It sure is!

Adina: If you dirty peasant fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to evict you all.

Gianetta: … can she do that?

The Chorus: Maybe? We're all illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read through our laws and statutes and shit.

Gianetta: Good point.

The Chorus: So should we get back to work?

Gianetta: Nah, let's just keep repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.

The Chorus: With gusto!

Gianetta: RELAXING IN THE SHADE IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK

The Chorus: IT REALLY SUCKS YES YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS

The Audience: … this seems uncomfortably familiar.

Donizetti: Hi, everyone! Thanks for coming to my opera!

The Audience: Son of a bitch. Not this guy again.

Donizetti: Glad to see you, too.

[The chorus shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]

Nemorino: God, Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.

The Audience: That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.

Nemorino: If I could, I would just stare at her all day long.

The Audience: Okay, maybe you want to dial it back a bit.

Nemorino: And all night. I would love to watch her sleep.

Rodolfo: Back off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is my territory.

Nemorino: You back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three years!

Rodolfo: Them's fightin' words, boy.

Donizetti: GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD

Rodolfo: Fiiiine.

[He leaves.]

Nemorino: So, like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!

The Audience: That's rough, buddy.

Nemorino: I TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE
SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE
'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME
WALK RIGHT BY ME
AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE

The Audience: Really? 'Cause you seem to be attracting a lot of attention right now.

Nemorino: CADENZAAAA

The Audience: Case in point.

[Adina starts laughing.]

Adina: OH MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT

Gianetta: Yeah, you can read. We're really happy for you.

Adina: Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!

Gianetta: Really? 'Cause you were telling us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.

Adina: COME HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP

[Gianetta and the chorus all gather around Adina.]

Adina: Soooo once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was in love with a total bitch named Isolde!

Nemorino: Sounds familiar.

Adina: And he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any attention!

Donizetti: SEE IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA

The Audience: Yeah. Thanks.

Adina: But one day, Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!

Wagner: What the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED

Donizetti: SHUT UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS

Wagner: WELL THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN

The Audience: Girls, girls. You're both pretty.

Adina: And so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in love with him!

The Chorus: OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT

Nemorino: IT SURE WOULD

Everyone: [stares at Nemorino]

Nemorino: You know, for completely normal purposes that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.

The Audience: Okay, sooo wait a second. If Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall more in love with her?

Donizetti: It's magic or something. Shut up.

The Audience: It's not to say that we don't appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –

Donizetti: You're welcome.

The Audience: – it's just that the story makes no goddamn sense.

Donizetti: And when has that ever stopped me before?

The Audience: … touché.

The Chorus: SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

Adina: Isolde fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

The Audience: That's it; we're calling bullshit.

Donizetti: Again.

The Audience: Shut up. Aren't you missing the part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part where it all ends in tragedy?

Donizetti: It's a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!

The Audience: Yeah, lots. And the happiest of all those possible endings is the one where Tristan is exiled for life and Isolde stays married to a man she doesn't love.

Wagner: I like the version where they both die at the end!

The Audience: Yeah, we know.

Donizetti: Well, you can all piss off because this is my opera and I do what I want.

The Audience: Just so you know, we'll be keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.

Donizetti: Funny you should mention that...

[Belcore enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words, he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on her.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.

Adina: Fuck off; I'm reading.

[Belcore steals a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to Adina.]

Belcore: So you like books, huh? Well, try this literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –

The Audience: – thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were fighting and dying all around him –

Belcore: – I present you with these flowers!

The Audience: Yeah, that's two strikes.

Donizetti: STOP KEEPING TRACK

The Audience: Nnnnope.

Belcore: But I'm way cooler than that guy –

The Audience: – the cowardly adulterer –

Belcore: – because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the next few days.

The Audience: What? That comparison doesn't even make sense.

Adina: Look. No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –

Nemorino: grumble grumble

Adina: – but I'm not interested.

Belcore: But wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can bench-press about a bajillion pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.

Adina: Be still, my beating heart.

Belcore: I know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a man in uniform, especially when that man happens to be me.

Donizetti: Could you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?

Belcore: Sure thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!

The Audience: Oh, you mean like the time that Ares had sex with Aphrodite?

Belcore: Yuuuup.

The Audience: And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and trapped them in a net?

Belcore: Uh...

The Audience: That's three.

Belcore: Sooo it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do you want to get married?

The Audience: Wow. That's moving a little fast, even for an opera character.

Nemorino: oh god oh god what am I gonna do

Adina: I'm not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up among the townsfolk a little longer.

Nemorino: yesssssss

Belcore: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied

Adina: You are by far the clingiest man I have ever met.

Nemorino: Challenge accepted.

Belcore: What's the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot guy.

Adina: Look, just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy. You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to pillage this village, baby.

Belcore: Wait, who said anything about pillaging?

Adina: I'm using the word as a euphemism for sex.

Belcore: Ohhhhh. In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and slaughter all its inhabitants.

Adina: Uh... I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.

Belcore: Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Nemorino: [to himself] Dammit, he's so suave! I wish I could talk to ladies like he does!

The Audience: No, you really don't.

Belcore: Oh, and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Belcore: Just me, then?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Belcore: Fine; we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a bottle of wine or something?

Adina: Yeah sure whatever.

Belcore: [to himself] Oh, yeah. She wants me.

Adina: [to the townsfolk] What the hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK

[The soldiers and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]

Nemorino: Hey, um... can I talk to you for a second?

Adina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me like you always do?

Nemorino: … no?

Adina: Okay, you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?

Nemorino:

Adina: Tick-tock, Eeyore.

Nemorino: I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU

Adina: Aaaand that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.

Nemorino: WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE

Adina: Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything to society.

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: You should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of yours.

Nemorino: His pain is nothing compared to mine!

Adina: Really? 'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.

Nemorino: Loving you is way worse than syphilis!

Adina: Wow. You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.

Nemorino: Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.

Adina: You think?

Nemorino: Sorry.

Adina: Okay, just listen. You're a nice guy –

Nemorino: yaaaaaaaay

Adina: – but you're awkward as fuck and have no idea how to get women to like you.

Nemorino: My mom always told me that I should just be myself.

Adina: That's terrible advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.

Nemorino: But whyyyyyyyy

Adina: Mostly because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck who smells like cow shit.

Nemorino: Oh.

Adina: But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and there...

Nemorino: [sighing] I wish you'd blow here.

Adina: You've really gotta work on your phrasing, man.

Nemorino: What?

Adina: Never mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or something while you're at it.

Nemorino: BUT I CAN'T

Adina: And why not?

Nemorino: BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING

The Audience: He's really not good at metaphors.

Adina: Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.

Nemorino: I WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN
TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN
YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE
BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME

Adina: … 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of suicide –

Nemorino: Dammit.

Adina: – and tell you once again that I'm not interested.

The Audience: Good for you, Adina! Way to not define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!

Me: Just wait twenty minutes.

Nemorino: PLEEEEEASE

Adina: FUCK OFF ALREADY

Nemorino: FINE

[They both leave.]

The Audience: Thank god.

[The Chorus enters.]

The Chorus: OH WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN

[Enter Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]

Dulcamara: HI FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE

The Chorus: ooooh

Dulcamara: [holding up a bottle] IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON

The Chorus: aaaaah

Dulcamara: ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD

The Audience: Thanks for the infomercial. Can we move on with the opera yet?

Donizetti: Nope. He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.

The Audience: fuuuuuuuck

Dulcamara: I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW

The Chorus: HOW MUCH

Dulcamara: I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM

The Audience: That doesn't even make sense.

The Chorus: HERE YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY

Dulcamara: Done and done.

[Everyone buys some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets an idea.]

Nemorino: Hey, Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions and elixirs and whatnot.

Dulcamara: Indubitably! My suitcase holds more wonders than Pandora's box!

The Audience: THAT'S FOUR

Donizetti: You know what? I don't even care anymore.

Nemorino: Awesome. Would you possibly happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?

Dulcamara: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Nemorino: You know, like... an elixir of love?

Dulcamara: Oh, right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll let you have it for –

Nemorino: [counting his money] I have seventy-five cents.

Dulcamara: – seventy-five cents!

[Dulcamara takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]

Nemorino: OH WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH

Dulcamara: You're welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!

Nemorino: So how do I use it?

Dulcamara: You drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out of their hard-earned cash.

Nemorino: What?

Dulcamara: Nothing. No refunds, by the way.

Nemorino: I'm sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?

Dulcamara: It tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since it's definitely magical and totally not a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.

Nemorino: Awesome. Thanks!

Dulcamara: Also, you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Nemorino: I promise!

Dulcamara: Wonderful! Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.

Nemorino: But I only want one particular woman because she's my true love!

Dulcamara: It's funny how you think I give a shit. Later!

[Dulcamara exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]

Nemorino: You know, it really does taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!

[He chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are instantly visible, because of course they are.]

Nemorino: LA LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: So... was the alcohol instantly absorbed into his bloodstream or something?

Donizetti: Apparently.

The Audience: Wow. It really is magic.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: WHO THE FUCK IS SINGING

Nemorino: LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!

[He pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]

Adina: Oh, it's just Nemorono. What the hell is he so happy about?

Nemorino: Rrrgh, why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?

Adina: Is he actually ignoring me? The village idiot is ignoring me?

Nemorino: [to himself] Laugh while you can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be begging to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!

The Audience: That's a terrible name for your penis.

Adina: I think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.

[She approaches him.]

Adina: Soooo you seem pretty happy.

Nemorino: Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.

Adina: You know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I am, I'm gonna call bullshit.

Nemorino: GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

Adina: WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME

The Audience: Oh, just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.

Belcore: [offstage] DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED

Nemorino: Not this guy again.

Adina: Why, are you jealous?

Nemorino: NO

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Adina: Not even remotely.

Belcore: I love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?

Adina: [looking at Nemorino] Maaaaybe. As long as he's not jealous or anything.

Nemorino: DO WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE

Adina: Okay, fine. [to Belcore] Let's get married!

Belcore: yessssss

Nemorino: motherfucker

Adina: How does six days from now sound?

The Audience: Like you've already got a bun in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your baby-daddy?

Belcore: It sounds great!

Nemorino: AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES

Belcore: What the hell is he talking about?

Adina: Fucked if I know. He's an idiot.

Belcore: Do you mind if I kick his ass?

Adina: Be my guest!

[Belcore is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters, followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]

Gianetta: SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOU

[She hands Belcore a note.]

Belcore: [reading] It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow morning!

The Chorus: OH NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING

Nemorino: WOOHOO

The Soldiers: Are we going to war or something?

Belcore: How the fuck should I know? [to Adina] It looks like we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.

Adina: This is my disappointed face.

Belcore: Will you be true to me while I'm gone?

Adina: It's almost definitely a possibility!

Nemorino: [to himself] Oh man, I can't wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!

Belcore: Unless maybe you'd like to get married today... ?

Nemorino: What? NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA

Adina: Aaaand there's the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. [to Belcore] Sure! Today's a great day for a wedding!

Nemorino: MOTHERFUCKER

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS

The Audience: Yeah, because they always turn out so well in Donizetti operas.

Nemorino: ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW

Belcore: It's none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I wreck your shit.

Adina: It's okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.

Gianetta: HA HA WHAT A PUSSY

Everyone: [laughs at Nemorino]

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: [aside] This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of going through with this wedding.

The Audience: That... seems a little harsh.

Adina: Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they once were!

The Audience: Holy shit. We didn't know this opera had a villain.

Donizetti: Oh, yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.

[Nemorino has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd mocks him.]

Belcore: EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO

The Chorus: WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON

Nemorino: [weeps softly]

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II