Sunday, September 30, 2012

Lucia di Lammermoor, Act I

Lucia di Lammermoor
A dramma tragico in two acts (Act II, Act III)

Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano
 

[Act I: The grounds of Ravenswood Castle in Scotland. Normanno, the captain of the guard, enters with an entourage of armed men.]

Normanno: SEARCH THE GROUNDS

The Guards: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA

Normanno: ALSO SEARCH THE RUINED TOWER

The Guards: THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA

Normanno: WE'RE GONNA SOLVE THIS MYSTERY

The Guards: WE SURE ARE

Normanno: OUR HONOR DEMANDS IT

The Guards: IT CERTAINLY DOES

The Audience: The only mystery in this opera is what the fuck is going on and why everyone feels the need to repeat each new phrase seventeen times.

Me: Welcome to the bel canto period, suckers.

The Audience: ... goddammit.

[Normanno and the guards keep singing about mysteries and honor and shit instead of actually doing anything useful.]

The Audience: This is going to be a long opera, isn't it.

Me: Yuuuuuup.

The Guards: HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT

[The guards finally shut up and go search for... whatever it is they're trying to find. Normanno stays behind because he's lazy. Enter Raimondo, the chaplain, and Enrico, the lord of Ravenswood Castle.]

The Audience: So is Ravenswood a family name, or just the name of the castle?

Donizetti: It's a family name.

The Audience: And Enrico is the head of the family?

Donizetti: Nope. Enrico's an Ashton. The Ravenswoods are his mortal enemies.

The Audience: But he's... That's their... gahhhh. We're less than ten minutes in and this opera already makes no goddamn sense. What the hell, man.

Donizetti: Hey, this isn't my fault. If you've got a problem, take it up with Sir Walter Scott.

Sir Walter Scott: Bring it, bitches.

The Audience: Whatever. You wrote the opera; we're holding you responsible.

Donizetti: Rude.

Enrico: WOULD ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DELIVER SOME EXPOSITION

The Audience: Oh, thank Christ.

Normanno: Hey, Enrico! You sure look upset about something!

Enrico: And with good reason! As you know, the Ashton family is on the brink of disaster for numerous reasons which I won't bother to explain –

The Audience: GODDAMMIT

Enrico: – and that asshole Edgardo is laughing at us! Man, I hate that guy so much.

The Audience: And let us guess... he's not gonna tell us why.

Me: You're catching on!

The Audience: Go to hell.

Enrico: My stupid sister is the only one who can save the family, but for some reason she doesn't want to marry some guy she's never met in order to unite us with a more powerful clan!

Normanno: What a bitch.

Enrico: I know, right? So selfish.

Raimondo: You know, guys, her mom just died and stuff. Maybe we should be more understanding.

Enrico: You shut your insubordinate mouth.

Raimondo: She's in mourning! Her heart is broken and she can't be expected to love anyone right now.

Normanno: Ummmm I'm gonna call bullshit on that. She's totally banging some other dude.

Enrico: WHAT

Raimondo: Well, fuck. There goes her secret romance.

Enrico: How do you know this?

Normanno: I basically follow your sister everywhere she goes.

The Audience: Aaaaand it just got creepy.

Enrico: How did it start?

Normanno: Well, your sister's super hot and I thought that if I followed her long enough I'd get to see her undressing or something –

Enrico: Not the stalking, jackass. The secret affair.

Normanno: Oh. Well, one morning she was out walking near her mother's grave when she was suddenly attacked by a wild bull!

The Audience: Wild bulls in Scotland? Is that a thing?

Donizetti: How the fuck should I know?

Normanno: Anywho, just as she was about to get her very shapely ass killed, some guy comes out of nowhere and straight-up murders the bull.

The Audience: That actually sounds pretty exciting.

Donizetti: I know, right? Waaaay too interesting to actually happen onstage.

The Audience: ... we hate you so much.

Enrico: Okay, I'm going to roll right past your apparent sexual fixation on my little sister –

Normanno: Much appreciated.

Enrico: – and just ask you who this mystery man was.

Normanno: You're probably not gonna like the answer.

Enrico: Whoever he was, he saved Lucia's life! I need to repay him for his act of bravery!

Normanno: He's also been secretly meeting her every morning since then.

Enrico: A harmless flirtation. Just tell me where to send the fruit basket.

Normanno: Okay. Promise you won't get mad?

Enrico: Promise.

Normanno: Wellllll I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I'm almost positive he's an enemy of yours.

Enrico: You'll have to be more specific. I'm pretty much a giant asshole to everyone I meet.

Raimondo: Agreed.

Enrico: Shut up.

Normanno: Like... your arch-nemesis. You live in his castle for some reason.

Enrico: ... you mean Edgardo?

Normanno: Just remember, you promised you wouldn't get –

Enrico: SHIT PISS GODDAMN HELL MOTHERFUCKER

Normanno: – mad. Son of a bitch.

Raimondo: Sooo not so much with the gratitude anymore, huh.

Enrico: FUCK NO

Raimondo: Look – Normanno said he wasn't completely sure, so he's probably wrong. You should probably ignore everything he has to say.

Enrico: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAIMONDO

Raimondo: ... yes, m'lord.

Enrico: AHHH I'M SO VERY ANGRY
I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL EVERYONE HERE

Normanno: Please don't? I kinda like being alive.

Raimondo: Yeah, what he said.

Enrico: LUCIA HAS BROUGHT SHAME ON OUR FAMILY FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME AND I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS HIT BY LIGHTNING

The Audience: That... seems a little extreme.

[The guards re-enter.]

The Guards: OH HEY NORMANNO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT

Enrico: What happened?

The Guards: Wellllll we were searching the ruined tower and we saw some guy there and he rode away on a big horse before we could question him but one of us recognized him.

Enrico: And who was it?

The Guards: Edgardo.

Enrico: AHHHH I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW

Raimondo: IT'S NOT TRUE DON'T BELIEVE THEM

Enrico: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP

Raimondo: Douche.

Enrico: I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER EDGARDO AND PISS ON HIS GRAVE

The Guards: WOOOO REVENGE

[Everyone exits. The scene changes to an old well/fountain somewhere on the castle grounds. Enter Lucia, our heroine – if one can really call her that – and Alisa, her handmaid.]

Lucia: Dammit, Edgardo's still not here.

Alisa: You know, it's probably not a great idea to come here when your brother's on the warpath.

Lucia: It's precisely because Enrico is so furious that I have to warn Edgardo!

Alisa: And you thought the best way to do this would be by having him come here, on the castle grounds, while there are armed men who want to kill him everywhere.

Lucia: Yeah. What's your point?

Alisa: Mostly that it really sucks to work for a moron.

Suzuki: I know, right?

[Lucia looks at the well fearfully.]

Alisa: What's wrong?

Lucia: Oh, nothing. You know that old story of how a Ravenswood, driven mad by love, stabbed his girlfriend and dumped her body in this well?

Alisa: Yeah...

Lucia: Well, I've seen her ghost. I was out walking one night and I heard a low moan as I was passing this spot, and she suddenly appeared and beckoned to me.

Alisa: That bodes reeeeally well for your relationship with the last surviving Ravenswood.

The Audience: Seriously.

Lucia: Her lips were moving, too. It was like she was trying to say something to me.

Alisa: Like what?

Lucia: "Seven days."

Alisa: HOLY SHIT YOU SAW THE RING

Lucia: And then she disappeared. And the water had all turned blood-red.

Alisa: Yeah, you're fucked. Like... there's literally no way in hell you're making it out of this opera alive.

Lucia: Shit.

Alisa: But just to be safe, you could always try breaking up with Edgardo.

Lucia: But I love him so muuuuuuuch and he's so passionate and always makes me feel better about my pointless life!

Alisa: Hey, it's your funeral.

[Edgardo enters.]

Alisa: Okay, you crazy kids. Have fun; I'll keep watch and make sure no one shows up to murder you.

Edgardo: Thanks!

[Alisa exits.]

Edgardo: Soooo just to let you know, I'm going to France for a while. I was thinking that maybe I could talk to your brother before I leave and put an end to this feud so we can get married?

Lucia: Ummm... maybe now isn't the best time to talk to him. There was talk of pissing on graves earlier.

Edgardo: What an asshole. First he killed my father, then he stole my fucking house...

The Audience: This whole feud is starting to make sense now.

Edgardo: … and now he wants to kill me and desecrate my remains. Seriously, I don't know why he hates me so much. He's fucked me over twice, and I have yet to do anything to get back at him.

The Audience: Except boning his sister.

Edgardo: Touché. But yeah, he's a son of a bitch and I swore on my father's grave to wage eternal war on him and his whole fucking family.

Lucia: Hey!

Edgardo: Except you, sweetheart.

Lucia: Thank you.

Edgardo: In fact, while I'm here...

Lucia: I don't like where this is going.

Edgardo: brb gonna murder your brother

Lucia: GET BACK HERE

Edgardo: But he's an asshoooooole

Lucia: True, but he's still my brother. Could you just put your revenge plans aside and focus on how much you love me?

Edgardo: Maybe.

Lucia: Like... to the exclusion of everything else. Let your love for me consume you completely.

Edgardo: That sounds like the healthiest possible thing to do!

Lucia: Yaaaaaaaay

Edgardo: Let's have a secret marriage! I have a ring for you right here!

[He slips the ring on her finger.]

Edgardo: Do you promise to be faithful to me forever, in the sight of God?

Lucia: I do!

[She produces a ring from somewhere and puts it on his finger.]

The Audience: Is that one of her rings? 'Cause if it fits him, she's got some serious man-hands.

Lucia and Edgardo: Now we're pledged to each other forever and only death can part us!

The Audience: You guys have never heard the phrase "tempting fate," have you.

Lucia and Edgardo: Nnnnnope.

Alisa: [offstage facepalm]

Edgardo: Okay, this has been great and all but I have to go to France. Later!

Lucia: Don't goooooo

Edgardo: I'll miss you so muuuuuuch

Lucia: Write to meeeeeee

Edgardo: Okaaaaaay

Lucia: Seriously, though. I'm going to be a complete emotional wreck the whole time you're gone. I just want you to think about that and feel super guilty and maybe shed a few manly tears when you think about how much pain you're causing me.

Edgardo: Sounds good!

[They embrace.]

Edgardo: And don't forget, you swore to be faithful to me forever!

Lucia: How could I ever forget? I love you SO MUCH and I promise not to marry anyone else while you're gone!

Edgardo: Sounds legit.

[He exits. End of Act I.]

Donizetti: So, what did you think of the first act?

The Audience: It needs more ominous foreshadowing. I don't think we quite got the whole "doomed lovers" thing.

Donizetti: Really?

The Audience: No. Shut up.

Next installment: Act II

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Madama Butterfly, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: The following morning. Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow have all fallen asleep. A distant chorus of workers can be heard as the sun rises.

The Orchestra: This is as close to an overture as you're ever going to get in a Puccini opera.


The Audience: So why isn't it at the beginning of the show?

Puccini: Meh.

The Orchestra: LISTEN TO ALL THE RECURRING MUSICAL THEMES

Half of the Chorus: Oh haaay 


The Other Half of the Chorus: Oh haaaaaaaaay

[This goes on for much longer than it needs to. Finally, Suzuki wakes up.]

Suzuki: Huh. It's already morning.


Butterfly: [mumbling in her sleep] ... oh yeah, baby... right there...

[Suzuki clears her throat loudly.]

Butterfly: WHAT I'M AWAKE


Suzuki: No offense, but you look like crap. Go get some actual sleep in an actual bed, and I'll wake you up when he arrives.

[Butterfly picks up Sorrow, who's still fast asleep, and carries him inside.]

Butterfly: Lullabyyyyy and good niiiiight

Stay asleep, little love-chiiiiild

[Suzuki shakes her head sadly as she listens to the lullaby.]

Butterfly: [offstage] Twinkle, twinkle, little staaar

How I wonder what the fuck is taking your dad so loooooong

Suzuki: Man, marriage sucks. It's times like these I'm glad I'm a lesbian.

[Pinkerton and Sharpless enter through the garden, accompanied by a prim Caucasian woman.]

The Audience: Yeah, that can't be good.


[The two men approach the house, leaving the woman in the garden. Sharpless knocks lightly on the door.]

Suzuki: WHO'S THERE


[She throws open the door.]

Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU


Pinkerton and Sharpless: SHHHHH

Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU

Sharpless: Better.


Pinkerton: Is Butterfly asleep?

Suzuki: Yeah, she was up waiting for you all night. I'll go get her!

Pinkerton: You know what, I think she probably needs her sleep. There's no reason to wake her up yet, no sir.

Suzuki: Do you like all the flowers? We decorated the place just for you!

Sharpless: I told you.


Pinkerton: Shut up.

Suzuki: Waaaaaait a minute. Is that a white lady out in the garden?

Pinkerton: Um... yes?

Suzuki: WELL WHO THE FUCK IS SHE

Sharpless: Cat's out of the bag now, asshole.

Pinkerton: She's nobody!

Sharpless: She's his shiny new American wife.

Suzuki: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Sharpless: Her name's Kate.

Suzuki: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER NAME

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] Dude. Not cool.

Sharpless: Eat a dick. [to Suzuki] Look. I know Mister Thinks-With-His-Penis over here has completely fucked everything up, but we could really use your help.

Suzuki: With what?

Sharpless: Convincing Butterfly to give the Pinkertons her baby so they can take him back to America.

Suzuki: Wow. Okay. I'm just going to repeat what I said before: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Sharpless: It's what's best for the child! He'll have a good life and he'll be fed and clothed and educated and they'll give him a real goddamn name instead of an emotion!

Kate: [calling from the garden] I was actually thinking of naming him Postpartum Depression Pinkerton!

Sharpless: Not helping.

Kate: Sorry.

Suzuki: You do realize this will literally kill Butterfly, right?

Sharpless: She's the leading soprano in a Puccini opera. She was pretty much doomed from the beginning.

The Audience: Fair enough.

Sharpless: Look, just go talk to Kate. She's really nice, I promise.

Suzuki: Go to hell.

[Suzuki goes into the garden. Meanwhile, Pinkerton has been wandering around the house and making sad faces instead of making any attempt to solve the problems he is entirely responsible for.]

Pinkerton: Wow, this is really sad. I wish something could have been done to prevent this whole awkward situation from ever happening!


The Audience: Fuck you. Fuck you so much.

Pinkerton: OH GOD I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS SADNESS


The Audience: We hope you spend your inevitable time in hell being endlessly violated by some unspeakable Lovecraftian horror.

Pinkerton: SHARPLESS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BUT I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING

Sharpless: Sooo let me get this straight. You came here to take the son you've never met away from his mother – whom you abandoned – and away from the only home he's ever known, and you're just going to dump that responsibility on me and on your new wife?

Pinkerton: If it helps at all, I feel really bad about it.

Sharpless: You're the worst fucking person I've ever met. I told you not to go through with the wedding; I told you she was in love with you; I told you there would be dire fucking consequences – and what did you do? YOU KNOCKED HER UP YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

Puccini: Just remember, kids – don't be a fool; wrap your tool.

The Audience: Gross.

Pinkerton: Why are you yelling at me? I said I was sorry.

Sharpless: Actually, you didn't.

Pinkerton: Well, I am. And I'm gonna be tormented by this memory for the rest of my life!

Sharpless: Bullshit. You'll be over it in a week.

Pinkerton: Yeah, probably.

Sharpless: Just shut the fuck up and get out. I'll tell Butterfly myself.

Pinkerton: GOODBYE MY FLOWERY LOVE-SHACK
WE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER
BUT NOW I'M JUST GONNA RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE BIIITCH

Sharpless: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY


[Pinkerton runs away. Suzuki and Kate re-enter from the garden.]

Kate: So you'll tell Butterfly that it's for the best?


Suzuki: Yeah, whatever.


Kate: Awesome! I've always wanted to steal an Asian baby.

Suzuki: He's half-Caucasian.

Kate: Meh. Close enough.

Suzuki: In any case, it would be better if I talked to her alone. Maybe you guys should –


Butterfly: [offstage] SUZUKI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Suzuki: Shit. Everybody hide!

[Kate retreats to the garden so she won't be seen, which is kinda pointless because it's still completely visible from the house. Sharpless, being old and creaky and whatnot, doesn't even bother to move.]


Suzuki: You guys are terrible at hiding. NO BUTTERFLY DON'T COME OUTSIDE


[Butterfly comes outside.]

Suzuki: Goddammit.


Butterfly: AHHH WHERE IS HE I KNOW HE'S HERE HE MUST BE HIDING OR SOMETHING


[She runs around the house and the garden, looking for Pinkerton.]

Butterfly: ...huh. I can't find him anywhere, but there's a random American woman in the garden. Anyone feel like explaining?

Sharpless: Not really, no.

[Suzuki starts crying.]

Butterfly: I have a bad feeling about this.

The Audience: Better late than never.

Butterfly: What's wrong? Is my husband dead or something?

Suzuki: No, he's alive.

Butterfly: Is he ever coming back?

Suzuki: Nnnnope.

Butterfly: [starting to understand] Soooo who's that woman in the garden?

Sharpless: She's pretty much the cause of all your problems, but don't hold it against her.

Butterfly: OH GOD HE GOT A SEX CHANGE

The Audience: A swing and a miss.

Sharpless: Yeah, that's not Pinkerton.

[After two and a half acts of self-delusion, Butterfly's brain chooses this moment to start functioning again.]

Butterfly: OH GOD HE MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE

Sharpless: Now you're getting it.

Butterfly: OH GOD THEY WANT TO TAKE MY SON BACK TO AMERICA

Sharpless: More or less. But it's in the best interests of the child, you know.

Butterfly: Wellllll I have to obey the wishes of my husband, even though he's already married someone else and is actively trying to take away my only reason to keep living.

[Kate comes back from the garden.]

Kate: Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
I stole your husband
Give me your baby

Sharpless: Shut up, Kate.

Kate: Too soon?

Sharpless: Little bit.

Kate: Sorry, Butterfly.

Butterfly: Don't be sorry for me; you've married the best man in the world and I'm sure he'll bring you happiness. You know, until he abandons you and destroys your life.

Kate: Yeah that's great and all but when do I get to take your child?

Butterfly: Back off, you WASP-y bitch. If Pinkerton wants his son, tell him to come here in half an hour.

[Sharpless and Kate leave. Butterfly collapses in tears.]

Suzuki: Jesus. Are you all right?

Butterfly: NO YOU FUCKING MORON I'M NOT EVEN REMOTELY ALL RIGHT

Suzuki: You know what I mean.

Butterfly: WHERE'S MY SON

Suzuki: He's playing. Should I go get him?

Butterfly: No, just go and keep him company. I'm just gonna commit suicide.

Suzuki: Maybe I should stay and make sure you don't do anything crazy... ?

Butterfly: JUST LEAVE ALREADY

Suzuki: FINE

[Suzuki exits. Butterfly gets out her father's stabbin' knife and reads the inscription on the blade.]

Butterfly: "You've fucked up your life, but at least you can still die like a badass."

[She prepares to shank herself, but is interrupted by the arrival of Sorrow.]

Suzuki: [calling from offstage] I figured you wouldn't kill yourself in front of your son!

Butterfly: Challenge accepted.

[She embraces her son.]

Butterfly: Soooo your daddy is going to take you to America and I'm going to take a trip to heaven or Nirvana or whatever it is I'm supposed to believe in...

Puccini: Hey, don't look at me. I'm just as clueless as you.

Butterfly: ... but try not to forget me completely, okay? Mommy loves you. Now go play.

[She gives him a tiny American flag and blindfolds him.]

Sorrow: This is a weird game.

Butterfly: You can't talk. Shut up.

[And then she stabs herself.]

Pinkerton: [offstage] BUTTERFLYYYYYY

[Pinkerton and Sharpless run in, only to see Butterfly dead and the blindfolded love-child waving an American flag.]

Puccini: Symbolism!

The Audience: Shut up.

[Pinkerton falls to his knees.]

Pinkerton: WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE WARN ME THAT THIS MIGHT HAPPEN

Sharpless: Seriously, dude. Go fuck yourself.

[End of the opera.]

Monday, September 17, 2012

Madama Butterfly, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The same location as Act I, three years later. Everything looks exactly the same and no one looks any older, but that’s fine – no soprano who’s actually old enough to sing Butterfly would ever be remotely believable as a teenager anyway, so who gives a shit. As the curtain rises, Suzuki can be seen praying and ringing a little bell in front of a shrine to the Buddha, and Butterfly is lying on the floor with her head in her hands. 

Butterfly: ... holy shit so hung over...  

Suzuki: Yeah, we should probably go easy on the sake bombs from now on. My head is killing me.

Butterfly: If your head hurts so much, you could always stop ringing that goddamn bell.

Suzuki: Nah, I’m good.

[She starts ringing again.]

Butterfly: [growls]

Suzuki: Dear Japanese Creator Gods: 

Please make Butterfly stop being such a cranky bitch all the time. 
Love, Suzuki.

The Audience: So, wait. She’s sitting at a Buddhist shrine and praying to Shinto gods? How does that make any sense at all?

Puccini: Shinto and Buddhism aren’t the same thing?

The Audience: [facepalm]

Puccini: Meh. All them Eastern religions look alike to me.

Butterfly: THE JAPANESE GODS ARE LAZY ASSHOLES

Suzuki: Rude.

Butterfly: The American God is so much cooler!

Neil Gaiman: Thanks!

Butterfly: Wasn’t talking to you.

Neil Gaiman: Oh. Sad face.

Suzuki: If the American God is so awesome, why doesn’t he ever answer your prayers?

Butterfly: Well obviously he hasn’t figured out where we live yet because we’re so far from America. Duh.

The Audience: Impeccable logic.

Suzuki: So why don’t you try praying to someone who knows where you live?

Butterfly: Because fuck you, that’s why. How much money do we have left?

[Suzuki opens a small box and takes out a few coins.]

Suzuki: Looks like we’re pretty much broke.

Butterfly: Shit.

Suzuki: Maybe you could try getting a job or something?

Butterfly: NO I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK AND PROVIDE FOR ME

Suzuki: You mean the husband who left Japan three years ago and hasn’t even written to you since?

Butterfly: Yeah, that one. He knows how to take care of his family.

Suzuki: You and I have very different definitions of “take care.”

Butterfly: Well he made sure that the guy from the American consulate kept paying our rent, so he must be coming back!

Suzuki: Are we sure that Mister Sharpless isn’t paying the rent on his own because he’s a good person and doesn’t want to see us go homeless?

Butterfly: NO GODDAMMIT IT WAS MY HUSBAND’S IDEA

Suzuki: Sure it was.

Butterfly: My darling Pinkerton wants to keep me safe and sound until he returns because he loves me and he always will!

Suzuki: Yeah, about that. When was the last time you heard of an American sailor actually coming back to Japan for his woman?

Butterfly: IF YOU KEEP SASSING ME I’M GONNA CUT OUT YOUR GODDAMN OVARIES AND FEED THEM TO A TANUKI

The Audience: Wow. She seems a little touchy today.

Butterfly: Don't you remember? I asked him when he was coming back and he told me he’d return in the season when the robins build their nests!

Suzuki: Yeah, that’s super specific and it really inspires confidence in his trustworthiness.

Butterfly: Shut the fuck up. I’m telling you, one of these days he’ll just come sailing back into the harbor and walking up this huge fucking mountain to come see me but I’m going to hide and keep him waiting, mostly because I’m a huge cocktease –

The Audience: As demonstrated by the last twenty minutes of Act I...

Butterfly: – but also so I don’t just die when I see him again!

Puccini: Once again... hint hint.

The Audience: GO AWAY ALREADY

Butterfly: And then I’ll run to him and he’ll embrace me and kiss me and tear off my clothes and whip out his huge –

Suzuki: Oooookay, I think I get the idea.

Butterfly: I CAN’T WAIT IT’S GONNA BE SO AWESOME

[Butterfly dismisses Suzuki. Goro and Sharpless appear at the top of the hill. Sharpless approaches the house and knocks. Goro hides near the house so he can eavesdrop because he’s shifty and also an asshole.]

Sharpless: Hello? Mrs. Butterfly?

Butterfly: FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME MY NAME IS MRS. PINKERTON

Sharpless: Um. If this is a bad time, I can come back later...

[She opens the door.]

Butterfly: Oh, hello! It's so good to see you!

Sharpless: You remember me?

Butterfly: No offense, but I've only ever met, like... two white guys. And since I'm pretty sure you're not my husband, that narrows it down a bit.

Sharpless: Fair enough.

[Butterfly beckons for Sharpless to come inside and claps her hands to call Suzuki.]

Butterfly: Soooo how are all your ancestors doing?

Sharpless: Uh... still dead, last time I checked. But thanks for asking!

[Butterfly and Sharpless kneel on cushions on either side of a small table, and Butterfly giggles at her guest’s obvious discomfort because she’s a huge bitch. Suzuki brings in a tray with a long pipe and some tobacco, while Sharpless removes a letter from his jacket pocket.]

Butterfly: [gesturing to the tray] Care for a smoke?

Sharpless: No thanks, I’m good. Listen, I’ve got to talk to you about –

[Butterfly takes a hit from the pipe.]

Butterfly: Oh man that’s some good shit. You sure you don’t want some?

Sharpless: No, really. I’m fine.

Butterfly: What are you, some kinda narc? Are you wearing a wire?

Sharpless: I have no idea what that means. Can we just –

Butterfly: Maybe you’d like some cigarettes instead? Or some black tar heroin?

Sharpless: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS

Butterfly: Rude.

Sharpless: I’m here because I have a letter from your husband.

Butterfly: OHMIGAWD REALLY HOW IS HE

Sharpless: He’s fine.

Butterfly: Well, that’s a relief. Soooo could you tell me when robins build their nests in America?

Me: When they’re adopted by eccentric billionaires who dress up as flying rodents and fight crime.

The Audience: That’s really not as funny as you think it is.

Me: Batman is always funny.

The Audience: Shut up.

Sharpless: Sorry, I’m confused. Why exactly do you need to know this?

Butterfly: My husband said he’d return when the robins make their nests, but they’ve already done that several times now. But there’s no way my beloved Pinkerton would ever lie to me, so maybe American robins don’t make nests as often as they do in Japan?

The Audience: Once again... impeccable logic. And do they even have robins in Japan?

Puccini: How the fuck should I know?

[Goro emerges from his hiding place and starts laughing at Butterfly’s naïveté.]

Goro: ahahahaha oh man you’re a moron

Butterfly: WHO THE FUCK IS LAUGHING AT ME

Goro: ‘Sup.

Butterfly: Oh, it’s this asshole. Get the fuck off my property. [to Sharpless] Can you answer my question now?

Sharpless: Actually, I can’t. I don’t know anything about ornithology.

Butterfly: Orni-whatnow?

Sharpless: Ornithology. The study of birds.

Butterfly: Oh. So you don’t know when robins build their nests?

Sharpless: Nnnnope.

Butterfly: THEN WHAT GODDAMN USE ARE YOU

Sharpless: [indicating Pinkerton’s letter] Look, can we just get back to –

Butterfly: Oh, right. [pointing at Goro] Soooo this douchebag keeps showing up at my house and trying to hook me up with new husbands, even though I keep telling him that I’m already married.

Goro: Bitch, you’re broke as hell, your family has disowned you, and your handsome American husband has totally abandoned you. If you don’t marry someone else, you’re going to starve to death.

Butterfly: I’m comfortable with that. Tell your suitor to find another geisha.

Goro: Wellll he’s already here, so you can tell him yourself! HEY YAMADORI COME ON IN

[Yamadori enters on a sedan chair, carried by several servants.]

Butterfly: Again? Don’t you ever get tired of being rejected?

Yamadori: Hey, baby. I know you must be tired, ‘cause you’ve been meekly shuffling through my mind allllll day.

Goro: Heh. Good one, your highness.

[Goro goes for a high-five. Yamadori ignores him.]

Butterfly: I bet you said that to all the other girls you married... and then divorced.

Yamadori: More or less. But I promise to be true to you!

Butterfly: Fuck off.

Goro: Are you serious? He’s a prince and he’s got a palace and he’s just generally rich as fuck! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Butterfly: I’M ALREADY MARRIED

Yamadori and Sharpless: [facepalm]

Butterfly: DON’T YOU FACEPALM AT ME

Goro: But the law says –

Butterfly: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LAW

Goro: – that if a husband abandons his wife, it’s the same thing as getting a divorce.

Butterfly: Nuh-uh.

Goro: Yuh-huh.

Butterfly: Welllll Japanese law no longer applies to me because I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN NOW

Sharpless: That’s... not really how it works.

Butterfly: If someone wants to get divorced in Japan, all they have to do is kick the wife out of the house and that’s bullshit. But in America, anyone who tries to get a divorce is immediately thrown in prison and spends the next twenty years getting sodomized by burly men covered with scars and tattoos!

Sharpless: Your understanding of the American legal system is rudimentary at best.

Butterfly: Suzuki, bring some tea for our guests!

[Butterfly and Suzuki busy themselves with the tea while the men-folk converse.]

Yamadori: That’s not actually how it works, right?

Sharpless: No. She’s a moron.

Goro: But Pinkerton’s ship has almost arrived!

Yamadori: Wait. He’s actually coming back for her?

Sharpless: Hell no. He doesn’t actually want to see her, but he sent me to tell her because he’s too much of a pussy to do it himself.

Yamadori: Wow. What a little bitch.

The Audience: I know, right?

[Butterfly approaches and hands Sharpless a cup of tea.]

Butterfly: Here you go, Mister Sharpless! Those other two assholes can wait.

Yamadori: Aaaand that’s my cue to leave.

Butterfly: Your cue to leave was at least four pages ago, but you ignored it.

Yamadori: Charming, as always. If you ever decide to stop being such a frigid bitch, give me a call.

Butterfly: Not gonna happen.

Yamadori: Okay, have fun starving to death. Yamadori out.

[He and his servants exit, followed by Goro.]

Sharpless: Okay, they’re gone. Can we please read this letter now?

Butterfly: Oh, right! I had forgotten all about it. Have I mentioned that you’re the best person in the world for reading me this love letter from my adoring husband?

The Audience: Womp womp.

Sharpless: I’m just gonna ignore that and start reading.

The Audience: Probably a good idea.

Sharpless: Ahem. “Dear Sharpless,
I’d like you to go find that hot piece of ass I married – ”

Butterfly: He really says that? How romantic!

Sharpless: Yes. Now shut up.
“ – and read her this letter. Three years have passed since we were together – ”

Butterfly: He’s been counting the days too! He misses me!

Sharpless: “ – and maybe Butterfly doesn’t remember me anymore – ”

Butterfly: How could I ever forget him? He’s my soul mate!

Sharpless: “ – but if she still loves me and is still waiting for me – ”

Butterfly: I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUCH

Sharpless: “ – then I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell her that – ”

Butterfly: OHMIGAAAWD HE’S COMING BACK ISN’T HE THAT’S WHY HE SENT THE LETTER AHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED

Sharpless: [aside] Oh, for fuck’s sake. Pinkerton, you’re an asshole. [putting the letter away] Look. Speaking from an entirely hypothetical point of view... what would you do if you were to find out that maaaaybe your husband might never actually come back to you at all?

Butterfly: Oh, that’s easy. I could either go back to being a geisha, or – and this is my preferred option – I could FUCKING KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM

Sharpless: Oh. Wow. Have you considered that maybe it would be better to just marry Yamadori and let him provide for you?

Butterfly: FUCK NO IT’S EITHER GEISHA-ING OR SUICIDE

Sharpless: Ooookay.

Butterfly: I ALSO DON’T APPRECIATE THE INSINUATION THAT MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

Sharpless: Yeah, I think it might be best if I left.

Butterfly: NOOO I DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE STAY

Sharpless: Getting mixed signals here.

Butterfly: It’s just that your words hurt me so much that I thought I might literally die.

Sharpless: Wow.

Butterfly: But I’m okay now. [taking a deep breath] So that motherfucker’s forgotten me, huh?

Sharpless: Well, not exactly...


The Orchestra: ALLEGRO MODERATO, MOLTO VIBRATO

Anyone Who Has Fallen Asleep: HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON

[Butterfly exits and re-enters a few measures later, carrying a child who’s approximately two years and three months old.]

The Audience: Wait, what the shit?

Butterfly: AND HAS HE FORGOTTEN HIS CHILD TOO

The Audience: There’s been a kid at the house this whole time, and we never saw him running around and playing or even heard him crying? Either that's the most well-behaved child in the world, or he’s been tied up and gagged in a closet since the beginning of the act.

Sharpless: Sooo Pinkerton knocked you up?

Butterfly: You bet your white ass he did. Check it out – he even has blonde hair and blue eyes!

The Audience: Wait. Blonde hair and blue eyes on a half-Japanese child? Aren’t both of those genetic traits recessive?

Puccini: Fuck off.

Sharpless: Damn. Does Pinkerton know?

Butterfly: Nnnnope. I didn’t start showing until after he went back to America.

Sharpless: Okay, well... he can’t actually forget his child if he doesn’t actually know it exists.

Butterfly: Huh. Good point.

Sharpless: Yeah.

Butterfly: Well, you can write to Pinkerton and tell him that he has a beautiful son! That will definitely get him to come back.

The Audience: Yeah, because he cares about family so much.

Butterfly: [to her son] Do you want to know what this gentleman told me I should do?

[He nods.]

The Audience: D'awwwww he's the cutest thing ever.

Butterfly: He said that I should take you in my arms and wander through the mud and the rain and beg for alms on the side of the road!

Sharpless: Uh... I never said that.

Butterfly: And that I should call out for people to listen as I sang my song in front of an unfeeling, pitiless crowd!

Sharpless: You're just making shit up.

Butterfly: WELL I'M NEVER GOING TO SING OR DANCE LIKE A GEISHA AGAIN

Sharpless: I didn't ask you to!

Butterfly: I WOULD RATHER DIE FIRST

[Butterfly embraces her son, sobbing.]

The Audience: Wow. She's pretty crazy, but for some reason we can't stop crying now.

Sharpless: I know, right?

Puccini: That's how I roll, motherfuckers.

Sharpless: Okay, well. I hate to ruin the moment, but I have to go. Sorry for ruining your day and whatnot.

Butterfly: It's all right. [to her son] Say goodbye to Mister Sharpless!

Sharpless: He's so cute! What's his name?

Butterfly: Wellll his name is Sorrow at the moment, but when my baby-daddy comes home, his name will be Joy!

The Audience: It says in the program that his name is Trouble.

Me: Yeah, that's stupid. He's not a blues singer or a song-and-dance number from a Meredith Willson musical, so there's no good reason to call him that.

The Audience: But “Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pinkerton” does have certain ring to it...

Me: Touché.

Sharpless: I'll tell his father, I promise.

[Sharpless bids Butterfly goodbye and leaves. Suzuki enters a few moments later, dragging Goro behind her.]

Suzuki: SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME

Goro: But – but –

Suzuki: I DARE YOU – I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Butterfly: What's going on?

Suzuki: THIS ASSHOLE HAS BEEN SPREADING RUMORS IN TOWN THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOUR BABY-DADDY IS

Butterfly: Oh no he DIDN'T

Goro: Look, I was only saying – since you love America so much – that if he were to actually live in America, he would be a social outcast!

The Audience: Yeah, because that's so much better.

[Butterfly grabs her dad's seppuku knife, throws Goro on the floor, and puts the blade to his throat.]

Butterfly: MOTHERFUCKER IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU AND DUMP YOUR BODY OFF A CLIFF

Suzuki: Oookay, maybe we should all calm down before someone actually gets murdered.

[Butterfly releases Goro, who flees offstage and is never seen again. Butterfly puts the knife down and turns back to Sorrow.]

Butterfly: Sorry about all the yelling. But just wait – your dad's going to come home and we're going to be one big happy family again!

[A cannon sounds offstage.]

Suzuki: The cannon in the harbor! There's a ship coming in!

Butterfly: I can see it! It's a white ship, and it's flying an American flag!

The Audience: Damn, she's got good eyesight.

[Suzuki brings Butterfly a telescope so she can read the name of the ship.]

Butterfly: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE U.S.S. ABRAHAM LINCOLN THAT'S HIS SHIP

Suzuki: … wow. Looks like you were right all along.

Butterfly: EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY TO WAIT FOR HIM BUT WHO'S LAUGHING NOW

Suzuki: Yeah, about that. My bad.

Butterfly: MY HUSBAND'S COMING HOME AND LOVE HAS TRIUMPHED

Pinkerton: [somewhere in the harbor] Boy, I'm sure glad I had Sharpless tell Butterfly that I don't love her anymore! It's such a relief to know that I won't have to deal with some ridiculous drama on my return visit to Japan.

Butterfly: YAAAAAAAAAY

The Audience: [facepalm]

Butterfly: QUICK SUZUKI GET SOME CHERRY BLOSSOMS I WANT TO MAKE THE PLACE LOOK ALL PRETTY

Suzuki: … are you crying?

Butterfly: I'M JUST SO HAPPY

Suzuki: Okay. Well, it'll take him at least a couple hours to get here, so we have time to make the house look pretty.

Butterfly: Let's pick ALL THE FLOWERS

Suzuki: Sounds like a plan!

[They run around the garden picking flowers and singing.]

Suzuki: I'm so glad that you're not going to be a whiny bitch anymore!

Butterfly: I know, right?

Suzuki: Okay, we've pretty much cleaned out the garden. What now?

Butterfly: Now we scatter the flowers everywhere!

Suzuki: The flowers were already all over the place. Couldn't we have just left them where they were?

Butterfly: NOOO MY WAY IS BETTER

Suzuki: Fiiine.

Butterfly: And also we're gonna sing about it.

[They start tossing flowers around the house.]

Butterfly and Suzuki: SOUS LE DÔME ÉPAIS

OÙ LE BLANC JASMIN

The Audience: Wrong flower duet, guys.

Butterfly: Shit.

Butterfly and Suzuki: LET'S MAKE THE HOUSE SMELL LIKE SPRINGTIME

BY THROWING FLOWERS EVERYWHEEEERE

[They eventually run out of flowers.]

Butterfly: Now bring me my son and help me get dressed!

[Suzuki exits. Butterfly looks in a mirror.]

Butterfly: Oh man, I look so old.

The Audience: Yuuuuup.

Butterfly: Shut the fuck up. I've had a rough three years.

[Suzuki comes back in with Sorrow.]

Butterfly: Put some makeup on my face!

Suzuki: Can't you do it yourself?

Butterfly: Nnnnope. And also put some rouge on Sorrow's cheeks; I want him to look fabulous when his dad gets here!

[Suzuki touches up Butterfly’s makeup and starts brushing her hair.]

Suzuki: Hold still, goddammit.

Butterfly: I can't wait to rub this in my family's stupid faces. Especially my uncle, that stupid stupidhead of a Bonze.

Suzuki: There. Finished.

Butterfly: And also bring me my wedding robe.

Suzuki: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST DO ONE THING YOURSELF

Butterfly: I don't pay you to complain.

Suzuki: You don't pay me at all anymore because you're broke as fuck. I'm only here because I love you like a sister!

Butterfly: Aww, that's so sweet. Now bring me my fucking robe.

Suzuki: grumble grumble

Butterfly: And Sorrow's robe too, please.

[Suzuki brings the clothes out, helping Butterfly and Sorrow get dressed.]

Butterfly: I want to look just like I did on the day of our wedding!

The Audience: That's convenient, because you look exactly the same.


[Suzuki finishes Butterfly's outfit by putting a poppy in her hair.]

Butterfly: Wonderful! And now we play the waiting game.

[They sit down and wait for Pinkerton to arrive. And wait. Aaaaand wait.]

The Chorus: [offstage] HEY HOW DO YOU LIKE OUR HUMMING

The Audience: It's very pretty.

The Chorus: THAAAAANKS

[Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow keep waiting. The sky turns dark.]

Sorrow: But I hafta peeeeeeee

Butterfly: Shut up and sit still.

[End of Act II.]


Next installment: Act III

Monday, September 10, 2012

Madama Butterfly, Act I

Madama Butterfly
An opera in three acts (Act II, Act III)

Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
 

[Act I: A mountaintop overlooking the harbor of Nagasaki, some time around the turn of the twentieth century. There's a small, stereotypically Japanese house and some cherry blossom trees which are always in bloom because this is Japan and ritual suicide doesn't look nearly as dramatic unless there are fucking flower petals blowing all over the place.]

The Audience: Wait, what about ritual suicide?

Me: Oh. Whoops.

The Audience: Dude, not cool. Throw up a spoiler alert next time or something.

Me: Yeah, it was clearly a huge spoiler. OH NO SOMEONE DIES AT THE END OF AN OPERA

The Audience: Stop mocking us.

Me: Then pipe down and just watch the goddamn show.

[Goro enters, followed by Lieutenant B. F. Pinkerton of the United States Navy. Goro is your typical Western caricature of a shifty Asian businessman, and is apparently a real estate agent as well as a glorified pimp.]

The Audience: Yaaay for racial sensitivity!

[Pinkerton, on the other hand, is a handsome Aryan exemplar in an immaculate uniform. He's also a smug, ethnocentric asshole.]

The Audience: Yaaay for positive perceptions of Americans traveling abroad!

[Goro starts showing off the house. Pinkerton is rather confused.]

Pinkerton: Wait, what the shit? WHY ARE THE WALLS MADE OF PAPER

Goro: They're called shōji, esteemed white devil.

Pinkerton: I don't give a shit what you backward savages call them; I just want to know why I don't have a real goddamn house. Where's the bedroom?

Goro: Wherever you want it to be, according to the whims of your superior Western intellect!

Pinkerton: Yes, well. I suppose it's rather charming – in a quaint, barbaric sort of way.

Goro: Oh yes, very charming. You can move the walls around however you want!

Pinkerton: It looks like a strong wind could blow it over. You don't have any wolves around Nagasaki, do you? Possibly of the big and/or bad variety?

Goro: To his undying shame, your humble servant has no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Pinkerton: It's a joke, Goro.

Goro: OH YES HA HA VERY GOOD SIR

Pinkerton: Shut up. Where are my servants?

[Goro claps his hands. Three servants in traditional Japanese garb shuffle out of the house and bow to Pinkerton.]

Goro: This is the maid and this is the cook and I have no idea what the third one is for. Also, only one of them is remotely important in any way. Guess which one!

Suzuki: OH HI MISTER LIEUTENANT PINKERTON SIR IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND IT WILL BE MY HONOR TO SERVE YOU

Pinkerton: Let me guess... the chatty one.

Goro: I am once again amazed by your incredible Western powers of deduction.

Pinkerton: Yeah, whatever. So where's my bride-to-be?

Goro: She is probably still preparing herself. Geisha make-up takes a long time to put on.

Pinkerton: So who else is coming to this ceremony?

Goro: The official from the American consulate, the Imperial commissary, a registrar, your bride, and her entire extended family – except her uncle, who has the honor of being a respected Buddhist priest and will not be gracing us with his presence because you are barbarian scum.

Pinkerton: Gee, thanks.

Goro: His words, not mine.

Sharpless: [offstage] JESUS FUCK WHY IS THIS MOUNTAIN SO GODDAMN STEEP

Goro: And that must be the consul.

[Sharpless enters, looking like he's about die.]

Sharpless: Holy fucking shit, man. You need to install, like... an escalator or a ski lift or something. Jesus.

Pinkerton: [attempting to shake hands] Nice to meet you! I'm Lieutenant –

[Sharpless vomits everywhere.]

Pinkerton: – wow. Okay. I'm just gonna give you a minute.

Sharpless: fuuuuuuuuck

Pinkerton: [clearing his throat awkwardly] Soooo isn't the view great from up here?

Sharpless: I hate you and I hate this goddamn mountain.

Pinkerton: And I got such a great deal on this awesome house!

Sharpless: [wiping off his mouth] Fascinating.

Pinkerton: The contract is actually for nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years, but I'm allowed to cancel it whenever I want! Pretty cool, huh?

Sharpless: You bought a house and a wife? Why the fuck can't you just go to a brothel like every other sailor ever?

Pinkerton: BECAUSE I'M AN AMERICAN AND WE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT

The Audience: Wow. Not a lot has changed in the past hundred years.

Sharpless: Also, you're a moron.

[Goro brings out a tray with booze and glasses.]

Pinkerton: Want something to wash the taste of vomit out of your mouth?

Sharpless: I thought you'd never ask.

Pinkerton: Let's see... you can either have whiskey or milk-punch.

The Audience: What in the flying fuck is milk-punch?

Pinkerton: It's whole milk mixed with Kool-Aid and left out to ferment in the sun!

[Sharpless vomits again.]

Pinkerton: Fuck, man. Get it together.

Sharpless: ... yeah, I'll take a whiskey.

[Pinkerton pours him a glass and keeps rambling.]

Pinkerton: Soooo like I was saying – Americans are fucking awesome and we fuck all the hot bitches in all the other countries BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOO

Sharpless: You should probably get yourself checked for herpes.

Pinkerton: I GOT HOES IN DIFFERENT AREA COOOODES

Sharpless: Or syphilis. Syphilis would also be a problem.

Pinkerton: Soooo long story short, I'm marrying some Japanese hooker but I'm not going to take it even remotely seriously, because what's the worst that could happen?

The Audience: [facepalm]

Sharpless: Once again: moron.

[Pinkerton raises his glass for a toast.]

Pinkerton: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH

Sharpless: [sighing] ... fuck yeah. So is your hooker-wife hot?

Goro: SHE'S SUPER HOT AND ALSO REALLY CHEAP AND I HAVE MORE IF YOU'RE INTERESTED

Pinkerton: FUCK OFF HE WASN'T TALKING TO YOU

[Goro scurries offstage.]

Sharpless: So are you actually in love with this girl?

Pinkerton: Well, I definitely love parts of her.

Sharpless: You know what I mean.

Pinkerton: Wellllll I don't know if it's really love or just good old-fashioned lust, but every time I see her I want to tear off her clothes and bend her over a table and just start going to TOWN.

Sharpless: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's lust.

Pinkerton: I'm comfortable with that. I mean, come on – she's just a glorified prostitute, right? Last time I checked – and believe me, I have – whores don't really believe in true love.

Sharpless: Actually, she came by the consulate yesterday to fill out some marriage paperwork and I heard her talking about you and I could tell from the sound of her voice that she's completely and totally in love with you.

Pinkerton: I think I'm gonna call bullshit on that.

The Audience: Yeah, us too. He knows she's in love because he heard her talking?

Puccini: That's totally a thing that real people do in real life!

The Audience: What if that's just what her voice sounds like?

Puccini: SHUT UP SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

Sharpless: Long story short, you should probably try to not be a dick and break her heart, because she might do something drastic.

Puccini: Hint hint.

The Audience: Piss off.

Pinkerton: Whatever. You're just jealous because you're super old and not getting any hot Asian ass.

Sharpless: I'm serious. There could be dire consequences.

Pinkerton: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Sharpless: Now you're just being childish.

Pinkerton: Just shut up and have another drink.

Sharpless: Don't mind if I do!

[Pinkerton pours more whiskey in both glasses.]

Sharpless: Let's toast to your family back home!

Pinkerton: Nah, I think I'm gonna toast to the day when I have an actual marriage to an actual American wife instead of some yellow savage!

Sharpless: [facepalm]

The Audience: This isn't going to end well, is it.

Puccini: Nnnnnnope.

[Goro rushes back in.]

Goro: HEY EVERYONE THE GEISHAS ARE HERE

Pinkerton: I will never get tired of hearing that sentence.

The Geishas: [offstage] Woooow it's so pretty up heeeeere

Butterfly: [also offstage] Yaaaaay I'm super excited to marry this studly American guuuuuy

The Geishas: [still offstage] BEING IN LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL

Butterfly: [also still offstage] WE'RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER

Pinkerton: ... for about a week. And then I'm outta here! WOOO AMERICA

[Pinkerton attempts to give Sharpless a high five.]

Sharpless: You're a douche.

[Butterfly – also known as Cio-Cio-San – enters, accompanied by a gaggle of geishas. They all bow to Pinkerton.]

Pinkerton: Did you guys have a hard time getting up the mountain?

Sharpless: grumble grumble

Butterfly: Nah, mostly I just can't wait to have you ravish me.

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] I take back everything I said. I think she's my soul mate.

Sharpless: Shut up. [to Butterfly] Soooo are you from around here?

Butterfly: Yeah, my family was pretty important in Nagasaki until we weren't anymore and then I had to become a geisha to pay the bills. But that's how the world works, I guess. How do you say it in English... "Shit happens?"

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] God, I love that she's so young and still sounds like a little kid. Not gonna lie, it gets me really hot.

The Audience: Gross. Is this about to turn into an episode of To Catch a Predator?

Sharpless: Ahem. And would you happen to have any sisters? You know, who might be single and/or also geishas?

Butterfly: No, but my mom's single... ?

Sharpless: Not really what I had in mind. Where's your dad?

Butterfly: Dead.

The Orchestra: Ominous music!

[Butterfly and the geishas hide their faces behind their fans.]

Pinkerton: Way to make things awkward, asshole.

Sharpless: Shut up, Humbert Humbert. [to Butterfly] So, wait. How old are you, anyway?

Butterfly: Guess!

Sharpless: Um... ten?

Pinkerton: I wish.

The Audience: Ew.

Butterfly: Nope! Go higher.

Sharpless: Twenty?

The Audience: ... you're the worst age-guesser ever.

Butterfly: Too high! I'm actually fifteen. I'm so old!

[The geishas all giggle in a stereotypically Japanese fashion.]

Sharpless: [to Pinkerton] ... a fifteen-year-old? Really?

Pinkerton: I know! Awesome, right?

Sharpless: You're the worst human being I've ever met.

Goro: OH HEY THE GUESTS ARE ARRIVING

[The Imperial commissary and the registrar enter, followed by Butterfly's entire extended family.]

The Relatives: OH GROSS THAT FOREIGN DEVIL HAS YELLOW HAIR HE LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN GOLDEN LION TAMARIN

Butterfly's Mother: Oh baby, I'm so happy for you!

Butterfly: Because I'm marrying the man of my dreams?

Butterfly's Mother: Mostly because he's rich. But yeah, sure.

The Relatives: WE HOPE THEY'LL GET DIVORCED BUT MEANWHILE WE'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS KICKASS PARTY

The Audience: ... yeah, we've been to weddings like that.

Goro: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

Sharpless: Soooo I guess your child bride is pretty hot after all. Props, bro.

[He and Pinkerton fist-bump.]

Sharpless: But really, try not to be a dick. Remember: dire consequences.

Puccini: SPOILER ALERT HE'S GONNA BE A DICK

The Audience: Yeah, we figured.

Butterfly: EVERYONE BOW TO MY BELOVED

Everyone: ... 'kay.

[Everyone bows to Pinkerton.]

The Audience: Sooooo basically we have a stage full of Asians and they're all bowing to a single white man. Huh.

Me: That sound you hear is the ghost of Rudyard Kipling having a spontaneous orgasm.

Kipling's Ghost: I mean... I'd have preferred a bunch of sepoys, but I'll take what I can get.

[The crowd disperses into the garden and Pinkerton takes Butterfly to look at the house.]

Pinkerton: Do you like the love-shack that I bought for us?

Butterfly: It's very nice.

Pinkerton: Nothing too fancy, just a little place where we can –

Butterfly: [rummaging in her sleeves] Hold that thought.

Pinkerton: – get together. What's going on?

Butterfly: Oh, nothing. I just crammed a bunch of stuff up my sleeve earlier and now I'm trying to get it out.

Pinkerton: Stuff like what?

Butterfly: The usual. Handkerchiefs, makeup, nipple clamps –

Pinkerton: Wait, what?

Butterfly: – a couple combs, my hair dryer, and a big fucking knife.

Pinkerton: Jesus. First of all, how did that all fit in there? And second, why the shit are you carrying a knife like that?

Butterfly: I don't want to talk about it.

The Orchestra: Ominous music!

Goro: [whispering to Pinkerton] It's the knife that her father used to commit ritual suicide. She always keeps it around.

Chekhov: And THAT'S how you introduce an important object.

[Chekhov and Puccini fist-bump.]

The Audience: Could you take your bromance elsewhere? We're trying to watch the opera.

Puccini: Sorry.

[Butterfly also takes some small statues out of her sleeves.]

Pinkerton: Jesus, there's more? What the hell are these?

Butterfly: They represent the spirits of my ancestors, so don't be a jerk.

Pinkerton: Oh. Sorry.

Butterfly: And just to let you know, I converted to Christianity the other day because I love you SO MUCH but don't tell my family because they'd be super pissed at me for abandoning the traditions of my family and culture.

The Audience: Uh oh.

[Everyone files back in for the ceremony.]

Goro: EVERYONE BE QUIET

The Imperial Commissary: Do you, Benjamin Franklin Pinkerton, take this geisha to be your lawfully wedded wife until you get bored and abandon her?

Pinkerton: I do!

The Imperial Commissary: And do you, Butterfly, take this American asshole to be your husband to whom you will be devoted until death, even when it's clear he doesn't give a shit about you anymore?

Butterfly: I do!

[They both sign the marriage contract.]

Pinkerton: WOOOO

The Geishas: Ohmigaaawwwd now you're like... Mrs. Butterfly!

Butterfly: Mrs. Pinkerton, bitches.

[The commissary and the registrar congratulate Pinkerton and leave.]

Sharpless: [shaking Pinkerton's hand] Just remember – don't be an asshole.

[Sharpless leaves.]

Pinkerton: Soooo now it's just me and the new in-laws. LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON

The Relatives: Actually, we're just going to pray that Butterfly realizes her mistake and dumps your obnoxious ass.

Pinkerton: Tough crowd.

The Bonze: [offstage] WHERE THE FUCK IS CIO-CIO-SAN

The Relatives: OH SHIT IT'S BUTTERFLY'S UNCLE

[The Bonze enters in a rage.]

The Bonze: CIO-CIO-SAN I JUST FOUND OUT THAT YOU CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

The Relatives: OH SHIT THAT AIN'T COOL

The Bonze: YOU'RE FORSAKING YOUR ANCESTORS AND YOUR HERITAGE FOR SOME FUCKING CRACKER

The Relatives: ALSO NOT COOL

The Bonze: THEREFORE WE WILL NOW DISOWN YOU

The Relatives: WHAT HE SAID

Pinkerton: HOW DARE YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY TEMPORARY WIFE GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOUNTAIN

[The Bonze and all of Butterfly's relatives leave, shouting insults. Butterfly starts crying.]

Pinkerton: Don't cry, sweetheart. They're just dicks.

Butterfly: Thanks! I love you so much that I hardly even care that everyone I ever loved before has just abandoned me!

Suzuki: [from the house] SOMETHING SOMETHING JAPANESE CREATOR GODS

Pinkerton: What the hell is that?

Butterfly: Oh, that's just Suzuki praying to her barbaric pagan gods.

Pinkerton: Oh. Sooooo it's getting dark and we're all alone up here... wanna fuck?

Butterfly: I love that you're so romantic!

Pinkerton: You know it, baby.

Butterfly: I just have to change into my night-clothes and sing for another twenty minutes, and then we can consummate our marriage.

Pinkerton: But I'm horny noooowwww

[Butterfly goes inside, where Suzuki helps her change into another obi. Pinkerton checks his watch.]

Butterfly: Sooo now I'm wearing white because it's the color of bridal purity and stuff!

Pinkerton: If I wanted to talk about clothes, I would have gone to some fashion boutique instead of literally buying you to be my wife.

Butterfly: I'm so happy my family has disowned me, because now I belong to you completely!

The Audience: Oh, honey. Look at your life; look at your choices.

Pinkerton: Yeah, yeah, you belong to me and all that happy horseshit. Can we bone yet?

Butterfly: I look just like the goddess of the moooooooooon

Pinkerton: All this waiting isn't making Pinkerton Junior any happier.

Butterfly: SOMETHING SOMETHING SYMBOLISM

Pinkerton: SOMETHING SOMETHING TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

Butterfly: You're so handsome and manly and I'd really like it if you'd love me like a little child!

Pinkerton: Heh. No problem there, baby.

The Audience: AHHH WHY ARE YOU SO GROSS

Pinkerton: You're so pretty and graceful; the name “Butterfly” suits you very well.

Butterfly: I've heard that in America, people catch butterflies and stick pins in them and mount them on walls.

Pinkerton: [unzipping his pants] Funny you should mention that...

Puccini: THAT WAS A PHALLIC REFERENCE

The Audience: YES WE GOT IT THANK YOU

Pinkerton: Anyway, the reason we do that to butterflies is so they can't run away. And now that I've caught you, you won't be able to run from me either.

The Audience: You just keep getting creepier and creepier.

Pinkerton: So, once again – we're alone under the stars and no one else is around; let's have some crazy sex.

Butterfly: You'll have to wait a little longer; I'm not done singing about how pretty the sky is yet!

Pinkerton: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II