Sunday, October 28, 2012

Die Zauberflöte, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A grove outside the temple. Sarastro, the Speaker, and a bunch of priests enter, and Sarastro delivers some expository dialogue with his characteristic gravitas – which is to say that it's very regal and very enlightened and also entirely devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

Sarastro: Blah blah Tamino blah blah prince blah blah seeking wisdom so we should probably let him join our little club.

The Speaker: But only if he can pass our deadly trials, right?

Sarastro: He damn well better. The whole reason I kidnapped Pamina in the first place was so she could get married to Tamino, who will take over as high priest once I pass away. If he screws up the trials, it kinda throws a monkey wrench into my plans.

First Priest: Sooo basically you're planning to marry a girl you kidnapped – and over whom you have no legal authority – to a guy you've just met.

Sarastro: Yuuup.

The Speaker: And you're also planning to make this guy, whom – to reiterate – you've never met before in your life, the head of our sacred order. Instead of, you know... someone who's actually a member already.

Sarastro: When you put it that way, it sounds irresponsible.

The Speaker: Little bit.

Second Priest: And where does the bird-man fit into your plan, anyway?

Sarastro: Oh, he doesn't.

Second Priest: So why are we making him go through the trials too?

Sarastro: … for the hell of it?

The Audience: Wow, this guy's kind of a dick.

Sarastro: Let us now pray to Isis and Osiris!

The Audience: Yeah, because praying to the Egyptian god of the underworld is the most optimistic thing you can do right now.

Sarastro: Great gods, grant Tamino and Papageno wisdom and patience and stuff!

The Chorus: GRANT THEM WISDOM AND PATIENCE AND STUUUUFF

Sarastro: Also, there's a distinct possibility that both of them will die during these trials – but it's okay because then they'll get to experience the joys of the afterlife!

The Chorus: WOOOO JOYS OF THE AFTERLIFE

The Audience: Okay, this is starting to get creepy.

Me: Yeah, Sarastro's band of sun-worshipers is pretty much just a glorified cult.

The Audience: How bad are we talking? Jonestown? Waco?

Me: They're less crazy militaristic and more obsessed with secret knowledge, sooo the closest parallel would probably be Scientology. Just picture Tamino and Pamina as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

The Audience: Holy shit. Everything makes sense now.

Me: You're welcome.

[Sarastro exits with the chorus. The Speaker and two priests lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: So, Tamino – are you willing to risk death to achieve enlightenment?

Tamino: Totally! I'm all about seeking wisdom, despite the fact that I've been nothing but a useless jackass this entire time and I've been thinking with my penis instead of with my brain.

First Priest: Awesome. What about bird-man?

Papageno: Hell no. Fuck this noise; I'm outta here.

Second Priest: But wait – there's more! If you undergo our trials in the next twenty minutes, we'll throw in a hot piece of barely-legal ass for free!

Papageno: DID SOMEONE SAY KNOWLEDGE I LOVE KNOWLEDGE

First Priest: So you'll do it?

Papageno: Maaaaybe. How hot is this girl, anyway? 'Cause I won't risk life and limb for anything under an eight.

Second Priest: Welllll she looks exactly like you, so...

Papageno: Wow. A perfect ten.

Tamino: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Papageno: What's her name, anyway?

Second Priest: Papagena.

Papageno: ... I'm so aroused right now it's not even funny.

Tamino: Aaaand I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that. So what happens now?

The Speaker: Your trials will consist of shutting the fuck up. We're imposing a vow of silence on you both, starting right now.

The Audience: Sooo wait. You want your two main characters to start being silent in the middle of the opera?

John Cage: I fail to see the problem.

Mozart: Shut up.

John Cage: Gladly!

The Speaker: On second thought, it might be a better idea to just forbid you from talking to women.

Tamino: Because they're evil bitches?

The Speaker: Exactly. You learn quickly!

First and Second Priests: WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED SO DON'T TALK TO THEM OR THE GODS WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

Tamino: … 'kay.

[The Speaker and the priests leave. Without the radiance of their Manly Wisdom™, night falls immediately.]

Papageno: DAMMIT WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS

[The Three Ladies enter.]

First Lady: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE

Second Lady: DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT SARASTRO WAS BAD NEWS

Third Lady: YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED NOW

Papageno: noooooooooo

Tamino: Shut up. Vow of silence, remember?

Papageno: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Tamino: Just be strong and keep repeating what the Priests told you.

Papageno: [sighing] “Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.”

Tamino: That's the spirit!

Men in the Audience: Man, this opera is hilarious.

Women in the Audience: Ahahahaha yeah it's great and also you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

First Lady: THE QUEEN IS COMING AND SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY

Papageno: Uh oh.

Second Lady: AND ALSO THE PRIESTS ARE TOTALLY EVIL

Papageno: Yeah, that's not good.

Third Lady: AND ANYONE WHO JOINS THE PRIESTS IS DRAGGED TO HELL

Papageno: OH GOD NO

The Audience: Soooo Papageno is talking to the Ladies. Is he gonna die now, or what?

Mozart: Nah.

The Audience: So what was the point of all those warnings?

Mozart: The warnings created the illusion that any of this actually matters and that Sarastro's order is more than just a kids' clubhouse with a “No Girls Allowed” sign on the door.

The Audience: Le sigh.

Papageno: Hey, Tamino, these chicks are really freaking me out with all their talk of damnation and stuff.

Tamino: Just calm your tits.

Papageno: But the Queen says –

Tamino: What the Queen says doesn't matter because she has the feeble mind of a female. Now sit down and shut up.

Papageno: grumble grumble

First Lady: Tamiiinooooo why are you being so meeeeeaaaan

Second Lady: Just taaaalk to uuuuuussssssss

[Tamino, having apparently grown a pair during the intermission, refuses to reply.]

Third Lady: Papageeeeeeeenoooooooo

Papageno: I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.

Tamino: That still counts as talking.

Papageno: But –

Tamino: Shhh!

Papageno: Fiiine.

[Papageno folds his arms and pouts.]

First Lady: Well, shit. They won't talk to us now.

Second Lady: This is boring. Let's just get out of here.

Tamino and Papageno: WOOO WE WIN

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Offstage Chorus: WE HEAR THE SOUND OF EVIL WOMEN

The Three Ladies: OH SHIT

Papageno: OH SHIIIIIIT

[The Three Ladies flee and Papageno faints. The Speaker and Second Priest enter.]

The Speaker: Great job, Tamino! Keep it up and you'll be a member of the cult in no time.

Tamino: Yaaaaaay

Second Priest: And Papageno... you suck. Really.

Papageno: Shut up. I'm only doing this so I can finally get laid.

[They leave to begin the next stage of their trials. The scene changes to a garden. Pamina is asleep on a chaise, and Monostatos enters with sore feet and blue balls.]

Monostatos: I FEEL YOU CREEPIN' I CAN SEE IT FROM MY SHADOW
WANNA JUMP UP IN MY LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO
MAYBE GO TO MY PLACE AND JUST KICK IT LIKE TAE BO
THEN POSSIBLY BEND YOU OVER
LOOK BACK AND WATCH ME SMACK THAT
ALL ON THE FLOOR –

The Audience: Gross.

Monostatos: Seriously, though. I'm gonna hit that, one way or another.

The Audience: I don't think you're her type.

Monostatos: Look at her! She's totally asking for it.

The Audience: She's asleep.

Monostatos: Exactly. If she were awake, she'd probably say no.

The Audience: Can't imagine why.

Monostatos: Hey, it's not my fault people don't want to get with me! It's 'cause I'm black!

The Audience: No, it's because you're CREEPY AS FUCK.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Monostatos: OH SHIT

[He hides. Pamina wakes up just in time to see the Queen of the Night enter, wielding a dagger.]

Queen of the Night: WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STUPID PRINCE I SENT TO RESCUE YOU

Pamina: Tamino? Oh, he's undergoing some trials to join the priests or something.

Queen of the Night: YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME

Pamina: Nope. Sorry.

Queen of the Night: Well, it looks like the balance of power is totally fucked now.

Pamina: How so? Aren't you crazy powerful and stuff?

Queen of the Night: My magic powers have gone to shit since your dad died. A woman is nothing without a man at her side, remember?

Pamina: Right. Sorry. So what's the deal with that dagger?

Queen of the Night: Oh, this old thing? It's just the dagger you're going to use to murder Sarastro and steal the magic sun-circle from his chest.

Pamina: What?

Queen of the Night: You heard me. Go shank the old bastard and bring me his necklace.

Pamina: Why don't you just do it yourself? You're the one who hates him, and you can clearly get in and out of the temple with no problem.

Queen of the Night: No, it has to be you. I'd explain, but it's all wibbly-wobbly and... magicky-wagicky.

Pamina: No.

Queen of the Night: Young lady, you should know better than to talk back to your mother when the vengeance of Hell is burning in her heart.

Pamina: But I don't wanna kill Sarastro!

Queen of the Night: PAMINA MARIE OF THE NIGHT IF YOU DO NOT USE THIS KNIFE TO KILL SARASTRO THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER

Pamina: GOD MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

[The Queen forces Pamina to take the dagger and promptly swoops out in proper diva fashion. Monostatos emerges from his hiding place.]

Pamina: Oh, Christ. Not you again.

Monostatos: Sooo I've got an idea. How about you have sex with me, and maybe I won't tell Sarastro that you're planning to murder him?

Pamina: Not gonna happen.

[He takes the dagger from her.]

Monostatos: Come on, baby. You know what they say; once you go black, you don't go –

The Audience: DON'T SAY IT

Monostatos: – to prison for conspiracy to commit murder.

The Audience: Whew.

Pamina: I would literally rather die than have sex with you.

Monostatos: Funny you should mention that.

[He tries to stab her, but Sarastro appears at the last minute and stops him.]

Monostatos: Oh. Hi. This really isn't what it looks like, you know.

Sarastro: Bullshit. Your soul is as black as your face.

The Audience: Uh... did he actually just say that?

Me: Yuuuup.

Sarastro: GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I WRECK YOUR SHIT

[Monostatos runs away, swearing vengeance.]

Pamina: Sooo my mom asked me to murder you.

Sarastro: Yeah, she's kind of a bitch. Are you gonna do it?

Pamina: Probably not.

Sarastro: Good. My order is hella peaceful, so violence and revenge have no place inside this holy temple.

The Audience: Um... didn't you have your underlings whip the shit out of Monostatos' feet at the end of Act I?

Sarastro: Technically, that occurred outside the temple. So I'm pretty sure that was okay.

The Audience: You're just all kinds of fucked up.

Sarastro: SOMETHING SOMETHING BROTHERLY LOOOOOVE

[The scene changes again. The Speaker and the Second Priest lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: Just remember – shut the hell up.

Second Priest: If you break your silence, the gods will punish you with thunder and lightning.

The Audience: Just some bad weather? Didn't they say before that the punishment would be death? Or something similar?

Mozart: That was like... two whole scenes ago. Let it go already.

[The Speaker and the Second Priest exit.]

Papageno: This sucks.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: You suck too.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Tamino: You're the worst companion ever.

Papageno: Tamiiinoooooooo I'm thirstyyyyyyyy

[A wrinkled old crone appears, carrying a goblet of water.]

Old Woman: Hey, baby. Come here often?

Papageno: Not if I can help it. Is that cup for me?

[She nods. He takes a drink of the water.]

Papageno: Dammit. I was hoping this was whiskey or something.

The Audience: Yeah, we could really use some Jack right now.

[Papageno and the Old Woman sit down.]

Papageno: Soooo you're pretty much the wrinkliest thing I've ever seen. How old are you, anyway?

Old Woman: Eighteen.

Papageno: You're so full of shit.

Old Woman: You know, you look an awful lot like my boyfriend. He wears lots of feathers –

Papageno: I don't like where this is going.

Old Woman: – and his name is Papageno –

Papageno: Starting to border on creepy.

Old Woman: – and he's sitting right next to me!

[She grabs his ass.]

Papageno: Aaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth.

[There's a clap of thunder. The Old Woman hobbles off, and the Three Spirits enter with a tray of food and the enchanted instruments.]

First Spirit: Hey, remember us from Act I? We get to do stuff now!

The Audience: Whatever. Do you guys want a medal or something?

First Spirit: SHUT UP WE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT

Second Spirit: Keep up the good work, Tamino! You've almost achieved enlightenment!

Tamino: Yaaaaay

Papageno: What about me?

Third Spirit: Just try to shut up for once.

Papageno: You know what? Fuck you guys.

[The Three Spirits leave. Papageno starts stuffing his face, but Tamino starts playing his flute instead.]

Papageno: You sure you don't want any of this?

Tamino: toot toot tootle

Papageno: Suit yourself.

[Papageno unhinges his jaw like a fucking burmese python and swallows an entire roast chicken.]

The Audience: That was horrifying.

[Pamina runs onstage.]

Pamina: My beautiful prince! I followed the sound of your flute!

Tamino:

Pamina: Want to make out?

Tamino:

Pamina: Why aren't you talking to me?

Tamino:

Pamina: DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE

Tamino:

Pamina: PAPAGENO WHAT'S GOING ON

Papageno: om nom nom nom

The Audience: Oh, for the love of god. You'll talk when the penalty is death, but now you decide to start following the rules?

Pamina: TAMINO YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART AND IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND IMPULSIVE

Tamino:

Pamina: MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE SUICIDE

Tamino:

Pamina: FINE THEN

[She leaves in tears. Tamino mopes.]

Papageno: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this vow of silence!

The Audience: You're an asshole.

[Trumpets sound, indicating that Tamino and Papageno should move on to the next section of their trials. Tamino, being dutiful and honorable and crap, leaves when he hears the trumpets. Papageno, on the other hand... ]

Papageno: Oh man, this food is so fucking good. A pride of ravenous lions couldn't drag me away from this feast!

Sarastro: Challenge accepted.

[Some magical lions appear.]

Papageno: oh shit I gotta lay off those 'shrooms

[Papageno runs offstage. The scene changes to a hall in the temple. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR TAMINO TO JOIN OUR CULT

[Tamino is led in by a priest.]

Sarastro: Excellent work so far, Tamino. You just have to beat the water temple and the fire temple, and then you can win the hand of the princess.

The Audience: … when exactly did this opera turn into a Zelda game?

The Three Spirits: Hey! Listen!

The Audience: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Sarastro: Anyway, it's time for you to say goodbye to Pamina. You know, just in case you drown or burn to death.

[Pamina is brought in, blindfolded.]

Tamino: Soooo you forbade me from speaking to her before, but now we can talk as long as we're only saying goodbye?

Sarastro: Pretty much.

Tamino: Dude... cockblock.

Pamina: TAMIIINOOOO HOLD ME

Tamino: On second thought, I'm cool with not seeing her again.

Sarastro: I know, right?

Pamina: DON'T GO

Tamino: BUT I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE REASONS

Pamina: I HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE

Sarastro: He'll be fine. Maybe.

Pamina: THAT'S NOT VERY REASSURING

Tamino: Stop being so damn clingy, woman. Don't you have a mournful aria to sing or something?

Sarastro: That's my boy. [to Pamina] It's time for Tamino to go face his destiny!

Pamina: NOOOOO

Tamino: It's okay; I'll see you after I defeat Ganondorf!

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU

Tamino: I'LL MISS YOU TOO

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU MORE

Sarastro: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE ALREADY

[Pamina is led away, crying womanly tears and generally making a scene. Tamino, Sarastro, and the chorus leave to prepare for the final trials. Papageno enters, having once again gotten himself completely lost.]

Papageno: TAMIIINOOOO WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE

[The Speaker enters.]

The Speaker: Okay, bird-man, here's the deal. You're completely and utterly pathetic and you deserve to wander in the darkness forever

Papageno: [whimpers]

The Speaker: – buuut the gods have taken pity on you for some reason.

Papageno: WOOHOO

The Speaker: The gods will allow you one wish. Ask, and it shall be granted.

Papageno: Anything in the world?

The Speaker: Anything.

Papageno: In that case, I could really go for a glass of wine.

The Speaker: … really? That's your one desire? Not the pretty little wife you've been looking for this whole opera, or even a map so your dumb ass can find a way out of here?

Papageno: I stand by my rash decision!

The Speaker: You're going to regret this later, you know.

Papageno: [shrugging] Meh.

[The Speaker exits and glass of wine appears. Papageno takes a sip.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT THIS WINE IS SO GOOD

[He drains the rest of the cup.]

Papageno: But you know what would be even better than a glass of wine? That pretty little wife I've been looking for the whole opera!

The Audience: YOU'RE A MORON

[Papageno quickly turns into a weepy drunk.]

Papageno: OH MAN I'M GONNA DIE ALONE

[The Old Woman enters.]

Old Woman: You know, you don't have to die alone.

Papageno: I don't?

Old Woman: You can marry me! I'll be the best wife ever!

Papageno: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Old Woman: Why not?

Papageno: Look at you! You're about a million years old and your lady-bits are probably drier than Oscar Wilde's sense of humor.

The Audience: Ouch.

Old Woman: Well, think of it this way – if you don't agree to marry me, you'll be stuck here forever. No friends, no sex, and nothing to eat and drink but bread and water.

Papageno: … when they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I don't think they mean it like this.

Old Woman: Time's running out, sweetcheeks.

Papageno: Ugh. If I marry you, you have to agree to never call me that again. Deal?

Old Woman: Deal.

Papageno: Fiiine. I promise to marry you and be completely faithful to you, at least until someone hotter comes along.

[Suddenly, the Old Woman turns into a hot, feathery eighteen-year-old.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE PAPAGENA

Papagena: Yuuuuuup.

[Papageno attempts to mount her then and there, but the Speaker appears and intervenes.]

The Speaker: Sorry, but you have to be at least this enlightened to ride the bird-lady.

Papageno: DAMMIT

The Audience: So, wait. Papagena looks and acts just like Papageno and even has a similar name?

Mozart: Pretty much.

The Audience: And yet Papageno never even considers the possibility that she could be his long-lost sister or something like that?

Mozart: Apparently not.

The Audience: Gross.

[The scene changes again. The Three Spirits enter, singing about the glory of the dawning day.]

The Three Spirits: IT SYMBOLIZES THE TRIUMPH OF WISDOM OVER SUPERSTITION

The Audience: Yeah, we got that. Thanks.

First Spirit: But wait! I see Pamina approaching!

Second Spirit: She looks crazy and suicidal!

Third Spirit: We should probably stop her. But let's wait until the last possible second before we do!

The Audience: You guys are dicks.

[They hide. Pamina enters, holding the Queen's dagger.]

Pamina: TAMINO HAS ABANDONED ME AND MY MOM HAS DISOWNED ME SO I THINK I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE

No One: [gives a fuck]

Pamina: I MEAN IT

No One: [still gives a fuck]

Pamina: OKAY I'M GONNA STAB MYSELF NOW

[The Three Spirits jump out and stop her.]

First Spirit: What, what, WHAT are you doing.

Pamina: TAMINO DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOORE

Second Spirit: And your first thought was to commit suicide?

Mozart: That's how women work, right?

The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY

Third Spirit: Look, Pamina – if you stop being a stupid bitch for two seconds, we'll take you to Tamino. It's kinda what we do.

Pamina: Really?

First Spirit: Yeah.

Pamina: Wow. Guess I kinda overreacted, huh.

Second Spirit: Yuuuuuuup.

[The Three Spirits lead Pamina offstage. The scene changes again – there are two mountains, one with a waterfall and one consumed by fire and lava and shit. Two men in armor lead Tamino in.]

The Armored Men: YOU MUST PASS THROUGH FIRE AND WATER BEFORE YOU CAN ASSUME THE MANTLE OF THE AVATAR AND BRING BALANCE TO THE WORLD

Tamino: It looks... fiery.

The Armored Men: YEAH HAVE FUN AND ALSO TRY NOT TO DIE

Pamina: [calling from offstage] TAMIIINOOOO

Tamino: Wait a sec. Is that Pamina?

The Armored Men: YES YOU MORON IT'S PAMINA

Tamino: Am I still under that stupid fucking vow of silence?

The Armored Men: NAH IT'S COOL

[Pamina runs in. She and Tamino embrace.]

Pamina: TAMINO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Tamino: I LOVE YOU TOO

Pamina: LET'S UNDERGO THE FINAL TRIAL TOGETHER

Tamino: OKAY

Pamina: BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PLAY YOUR MAGIC FLUTE BECAUSE IT CAN CONTROL THE ELEMENTS AND STUFF

Tamino: Really? Wow. That's a much better idea than the one I had.

Pamina: Which was... ?

Tamino: To run through the fire really fast before I got incinerated.

Pamina: Planning isn't your strong suit, is it.

Tamino: Nnnnnope.

[Tamino starts playing the flute and they pass through the trial of fire unharmed.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOO WE'RE AWESOME

[Tamino plays the flute again and they pass through the trial of water.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOOOO THAT WASN'T ANTICLIMACTIC AT ALL

Offstage Chorus: YAAAAAAY NOW YOU CAN ENTER THE TEMPLE

Pamina: And all the plot threads have been resolved!

Tamino: Yeah, about that. Have you seen Papageno anywhere?

Pamina: All the plot threads that matter have been resolved!

[The scene changes again. Papageno is still lost.]

Papageno: I'M REGRETTING MY RASH DECISION

The Speaker: [offstage] Told you, bitch!

Papageno: I can't find Papagena anywhere, so I think I'm going to commit suicide because that seems perfectly rational. Unless someone in the audience wants me to live...?

Crickets: chirp chirp

Papageno: Nothing? Oh, you can all go to hell. I bet you sons of bitches would clap for Tinkerbell if she asked!

The Audience: Remember the time that Pamina actually needed you to talk to her? And that was the one time in the opera when you decided to shut up? Yeah, karma's a bitch.

Papageno: Fuck.

The Audience: Yuuuuup.

Papageno: FINE. I don't want to live in your stupid world anymore because you're all a bunch of stupidheads and I hate you. And now I'm going to hang myself on this tree.

[The Three Spirits enter.]

The Three Spirits: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SUICIDE

Papageno: I LOST MY SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND AND NOW I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE

First Spirit: Remember your magic glockenspiel that can do anything the plot requires at any given moment?

Papageno: … no?

Second Spirit: We gave it back to you, like... four scenes ago.

Papageno: Not ringing any bells.

The Audience: Ha. We see what you did there.

Third Spirit: It's hanging from your belt, moron.

Papageno: Oh, you mean that glockenspiel.

[He starts playing the glockenspiel.]

Papageno: Come onnn big money big money no whammies!

[Papagena appears.]

Papageno: Pa... pa... pa... PAPAGENA

Papagena: Pika... pika... PIKACHU

Mozart: What?

Papagena: I MEAN PAPAGENO

Mozart: Better.

Papageno: homina homina homina

Papagena: We make the sex now?

Papageno: Absolutely. And we'll have so many babies!

Papagena: FOUR HUNDRED BABIES

[And then they start screwing like rabbits, right there on the stage.]

The Three Spirits: OH GOD WE'RE STILL HERE

[There's another scene change. The Queen of the Night, the Three Ladies, and the traitorous Monostatos are trying to sneak into the temple and murder everyone inside.]

The Audience: Oh, right. We forgot this opera had villains.

Monostatos: BE VERY VERY QUIET

Queen of the Night: QUIET IS WHAT I DO BEST

The Three Ladies: WE ARE ALSO VERY QUIET

Monostatos: WE'RE ALMOST INSIDE

Queen of the Night: AND THEN WE CAN GET OUR MURDER ON

The Three Ladies: YAAAAAAY

The Audience: Wait, hasn't the Queen of the Night already proven that she can get into the temple whenever she needs to?

Mozart: … maybe?

The Audience: So why does she even need Monostatos?

Mozart: Stop asking questions.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

The Villains: OH NO WE'RE DYING FOR SOME REASON

The Audience: Wait, what the hell just happened?

[And then the scene changes back to the interior of the temple and everyone's happy again!]

Sarastro: The power of Light has triumphed over Darkness!

Everyone: WOOOO

The Audience: No, really. Where are the Queen and the Three Ladies?

Sarastro: I did magic to them and they fell over. And now Tamino and Pamina can get married and they'll rule as enlightened monarchs and everything will be awesome forever!

Mozart: The moral of the story is that you don't need to be brave, intelligent, or even remotely competent to triumph over evil, as long as you have enough wizards and magic trinkets to keep saving your dumb ass!

Everyone: YAAAAY FREEMASONRY

[End of the opera.]

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Die Zauberflöte, Act I

Die Zauberflöte
A Singspiel in two acts (Act II)

Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Libretto: Emanuel Schikaneder



[Act I: Somewhere in a forest. Or on a mountain. Or some combination of the two. Everything looks vaguely mythological and there are probably triangles everywhere because MASONIC SYMBOLISM. Prince Tamino runs on, pursued by a giant phallic metaphor.]

The Audience: Okay, so the opera is off to a pretty exciting start. This guy is probably gonna slay the shit out of that dragon... serpent... thing, right?

Tamino: HOLY SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME

The Audience: ... or not.

Tamino: I'M SO SCARED I'M LITERALLY ABOUT TO VOID MY BOWELS

The Audience: Wow. What a pussy.

[And then he faints.]

The Audience: This is the worst opera ever. We're outta here.

[Just as the serpent is about to sink its fangs into Tamino's soft, supple body, a trio of foxy ladies appears.]

The Audience: Hellooooo nurses.

The Three Ladies: WE HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SERPENTS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FAIRY TALE

[The Three Ladies zap the creature with some crazy magic mojo and kill it totally dead.]

First Lady: That's right, bitch. No one messes with the Three Ladies.

The Audience: So, wait. Are they actually just called "the Three Ladies?"

Mozart: Yuuuuup.

The Audience: Huh. So what are their names? Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee? Charlotte, Emily, and Anne?

Mozart: First Lady, Second Lady, and Third Lady.

The Audience: They probably don't like that too much.

Mozart: Don't be ridiculous! Women don't have feelings.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Third Lady: Woooo we totally just saved this guy's life!

Second Lady: ... he's not moving. He is still alive, right?

[They move in closer to get a better look.]

First Lady: Yeah, he's still breathing. I think he's just unconscious.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaay

First Lady: And he's also really hot.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaaaaaaay

First Lady: DIBS

Second Lady: Hey, no fair!

Third Lady: I already called dibs in my head!

First Lady: That's stupid and so are you.

Third Lady: You're stupid!

Second Lady: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP

First Lady: ...

Third Lady: ...

Second Lady: There's only one way to settle this – rock, paper, magic glockenspiel.

First Lady: You always win that because you cheat.

Second Lady: No, you always lose because you always pick rock.

First Lady: Because rock should beat glockenspiel! It's a fucking rock, for god's sake!

Second Lady: Nothing beats glockenspiel. It's magic.

First Lady: grumble grumble

Third Lady: [getting an idea] Hey, do you think maybe this guy could help out the Queen?

First Lady: Maybe. You two go ask her; I'll stay here and guard McDreamy.

Second Lady: Nnnnope.

Third Lady: Yeah, I don't trust you to be here alone with him.

First Lady: [offended] And why not?

Third Lady: Because you're a weak-willed woman and you'll give in to your lustful desires as soon as we're gone?

First Lady: Hmph. Well, I could say the same about both of you.

Second Lady: Touché.

Third Lady: [sighing] If only we had a big, strong man to tell us what to do!

The Audience: This is awkward.

Me: Just wait; it gets worse.

First Lady: So I guess the only solution is for the three of us to go find the Queen together.

Third Lady: Unless we wanted to take turns... ?

First Lady: I don't share. Let's go, Ladies.

Second Lady: So, wait. We're just gonna leave him here?

First Lady: What's the worst that could happen?

Second Lady: Umm... he could get eaten by a fucking dragon, apparently.

First Lady: I'm sure he'll be fine.

[The Three Ladies depart, blowing kisses to their unconscious sweetheart. Tamino wakes up and sees the carcass of the serpent.]

Tamino: AHHHHH IT'S GONNA EAT ME AHHHHH oh wait it's dead. Huh.

[A pan flute sounds nearby.]

Tamino: OH GOD SOMEONE'S PLAYING A FLUTE I'D BETTER HIDE

The Audience: You're the worst mythological hero ever.

[Tamino hides. A strange bird-man enters, carrying a net and cage and wearing pan-pipes around his neck, and proceeds to introduce himself to the audience.]

Papageno: Howdy! I'm Papageno, your friendly neighborhood bird-catcher. I'm everyone's favorite character because I don't give a damn about wisdom or destiny and I mostly just want to eat, drink, and fuck all day long.

The Audience: Sounds about right.

Papageno: I use this net to catch birds, but I frequently fantasize about using it to catch women! If I could, I'd catch all the foxy ladies in the world and then I'd lock them up and choose the one I liked best and trade the other women for sugar because that's totally a thing that people do and then I'd give the sugar to my favorite lady and then she'd love me forever and she'd sex me up and give birth to dozens of bird-children!

The Audience: That's kinda fucked up. But kidnapping and sex trafficking have never sounded quite so charming!

Mozart: I know, right?

[Papageno starts tending to the birds in his cage. Tamino finally decides that Papageno isn't going to murder and/or eat him, so he emerges from his hiding place.]

Tamino: Hey!

Papageno: Hey.

Tamino: Um... who are you?

Papageno: Just a guy who's trying to do his job without random assholes interrupting him. Who are you?

Tamino: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a prince.

Papageno: Cool story, bro.

[Papageno starts feeding his birds again.]

Tamino: Sooo what's the deal with all those feathers? You look like a –

Papageno: – like a what? Like a bird? You know, I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone asking me about this. Just because I'm covered in feathers doesn't mean I'm some sort of disgusting avian hybrid creature. MAYBE I JUST LIKE FEATHERS YOU ASSHOLE

Tamino: ... I was just gonna say you look like an idiot.

Papageno: Oh. Fair enough.

Tamino: So hey, are you the one who killed that giant serpent?

Papageno: HOLY SHIT WHAT SERPENT

Tamino: That dead one over there. Did you kill it?

[The Three Ladies enter.]

Papageno: Oh. Ahem. Yes; yes I did. I kill dragons and serpents and shit all the time because I'm super strong and manly.

The Three Ladies: Aw, hell naw.

Tamino: Wait – who are those ladies?

Papageno: Oh, they're just the Queen of the Night's handmaidens or something. Every day they take my birds and give me food in return!

Tamino: Did you ever think that maybe you could just eat the birds and not bother with the exchange?

Papageno: ... no?

First Lady: Papageno, we need to have a little talk.

Papageno: We sure do! Here are today's birds; now hand over the food and wine!

Second Lady: Yeah, about that. Here's some water and a couple of rocks. Bon appétit, asshole.

Papageno: But –

Third Lady: And also here's a golden padlock for your mouth so you'll shut the hell up for once.

[And then they lock his mouth shut. Literally.]

The Audience: Wait, what the what?

Mozart: It's magic or something. Don't think about it too much.

First Lady: Okay, so let's ask you that question one more time – and if you lie to us, we'll murder you until you're dead. Got it?

[Papageno nods.]

Second Lady: Good. Were you the one who slew the serpent?

[Papageno shakes his head.]

Third Lady: Good boy. [to Tamino] We're the ones who saved your wonderfully-shaped ass, prince. You're welcome. Also, have a portrait of the Queen of the Night's daughter!

[She hands Tamino a locket with a picture of a pretty pretty princess, and the Three Ladies depart.]

Tamino: Wow. She's so hot. Like... seriously. I think I'm falling in love with her!

Papageno: [muffled sarcastic noises]

Tamino: I'LL BE THE PRINCE
AND YOU'LL BE THE PRINCESS
IT'S A LOVE STORY
BABY JUST SAY YES

The Audience: Once again... Worst. Hero. Ever.

[Tamino finishes drooling on the locket and the Three Ladies show up again.]

First Lady: We're getting really sick of leaving and re-entering every five seconds, so we're just gonna stay onstage for a while.

Papageno: [growls]

Second Lady: Oh, and by the way – the princess is named Pamina and she's been kidnapped by an evil sorcerer and the Queen wants to you rescue her.

Third Lady: You know, because you proved your bravery so well against the serpent.

Tamino: Shut up.

First Lady: In any case, if you can rescue the princess, you'll get to marry her and make lots of beautiful royal babies.

Mozart: Because that's what women are for! Amirite?

The Audience: Fuck off.

Tamino: Sounds good to me.

Second Lady: But first, the Queen of the Night is going to sing at you for several minutes!

[There is a crash of thunder.]

First Lady: She's coming!

Second Lady: She's coming!

Third Lady: She's coming!

Papageno: [muffled laughter]

First Lady: Shut up, bird-man.

[The Queen of the Night enters, looking appropriately splendiferous.]

Queen of the Night: OH HI TAMINO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD RESCUE MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS STOLEN FROM ME BY AN EVIL SORCERER NAMED SARASTRO AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEAK WOMAN –

Mozart: This is going to be a theme of the opera, in case you couldn't tell.

Queen of the Night: – BUT FIRST LISTEN TO MY KICKASS COLORATURA SHIT AND MY HIGH F

Tamino: daaaaaamn

Queen of the Night: But really. Go find my daughter or I'll cut you.

[She leaves.]

Tamino: She seems... intense.

Second Lady: You get used to it after a while.

Papageno: HM HM HM HM HRMF MRFLE

Tamino: I have no idea what you're saying.

Papageno: HLP MRF

Tamino: I'd take the lock off, but I'm too weak.

The Audience: Truth.

First Lady: Fiiiine, we'll take away the stupid lock.

[She unlocks Papageno's mouth.]

Papageno: YESSS I CAN TALK AGAIN

Second Lady: But don't tell any more lies, or else we'll find you and torture you some more.

Third Lady: Yeah, we do a lot of torturing.

Tamino: Really? That sounds kinda evil.

First Lady: What my stupid sister or friend or whatever meant to say is that we only hurt bad people like liars and thieves because we're the exact opposite of evil and you can always trust us forever.

Tamino: Sounds legit.

First Lady: Also, please take this magic flute! It can control men's hearts and the elements and shit.

Tamino: That's really cool, but I never learned how to play the flute.

Second Lady: You don't have to know how! It's magic!

Tamino: Yaaaaaaay

Papageno: Wellllll this is a really great party and everything, but I should really be going.

Third Lady: Not so fast. You're going to help Tamino rescue the princess from Sarastro's castle.

Papageno: Oh, hell to the no. Sarastro will murder me and feed my corpse to his dogs!

First Lady: I fail to see the problem.

Papageno: I'm too pretty to die!

First Lady: Whatever. Just trust the prince; he'll keep you safe.

Papageno: Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that. He's like... the prissiest prince ever. He doesn't even have a sword; he has a flute. What the fuck is he going to do against an evil sorcerer?

Second Lady: Fiiiiine. Just stop whining and take this magic glockenspiel.

Third Lady: It'll protect you or something.

Papageno: Really?

First Lady: Kinda. It pretty much does whatever is necessary to advance the plot at any given moment.

Papageno: Yaaaaay for protection!

The Audience: Yaaaaay for advancing the plot!

Tamino: So, wait. How exactly are we supposed to find Sarastro's secret lair, anyway?

Second Lady: It's not a secret lair. It's a giant fucking temple full of sun-worshipers. You can't miss it.

Papageno: You say that, but you might not want to underestimate how incredibly stupid we are.

Tamino: Seriously. It's kind of a problem.

[The Three Ladies confer for a moment.]

Third Lady: Fine; we'll give you a few guides to make sure you get there safely.

[She whistles, and three figures appear.]

Third Lady: These are the Three Spirits!

The Audience: And let us guess. Their names are –

Mozart: First Spirit, Second Spirit, and Third Spirit!

The Audience: You're the worst.

First Lady: The Three Spirits will guide you to Sarastro's temple, where you will rescue Pamina from the light of the sun and return her to her rightful place in the darkness of night!

Papageno: That doesn't sound even remotely foreboding!

Tamino: I'm sure we can trust these nice ladies! Let's go!

[Everyone waves goodbye to each other, and the Three Spirits lead Tamino and Papageno off to start their great adventure. The scene changes to a room in Sarastro's palace; Pamina has just been caught trying to escape, and is being harassed by the evil moor Monostatos, a servant of Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Pamina: Don't touch me.

Monostatos: Oh, stop being so frigid. I'm not really that bad.

Pamina: You're a disgusting barbarian and I hate you and I'd rather die than succumb to your advances.

Monostatos: It's funny that you think you have any choice in the matter. [calling to his slaves] Bring the fuzzy handcuffs!

Pamina: Noooooo

[She faints. The slaves tie Pamina up and leave her alone with the evil black man who wants to spend all of his time raping white women.]

The Audience: Jesus Christ. Who wrote this libretto, Jefferson Davis?

Mozart: Emanuel Schikaneder. He's a friend of mine.

Emanuel Schikaneder: But I prefer to be called "The Schikanator."

The Audience: You're a douche.

[Papageno chooses this moment to wander in. Unsurprisingly, it has taken him under two minutes to get separated from the others and completely lose his way – but he still managed to find Pamina, so Papageno's complete incompetence is still more effective than anything Tamino has done this whole opera.]

The Audience: That would be funny if it weren't so depressingly true.

Papageno: Where the hell am I? Oh, wait – there are people over there! I think I'll just ask for directions.

[He wanders over and comes face to face with Monostatos.]

Papageno: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BLACK MAN

Monostatos: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BIRD MAN

Both: OH SHIT IT MUST BE THE DEVIL

The Audience: oh woooow this is uncomfortable

Me: I know, right?

[And then Papageno and Monostatos make angry faces at each other until Monostatos runs away, proving himself to be a slightly bigger coward than Papageno.]

Papageno: What a wuss. I guess it was pretty stupid to be afraid of him because he's black.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Papageno: After all – there are black birds, so why shouldn't there be black people?

The Audience: But... that's not... wow. You just compared black people to animals.

[Pamina wakes up.]

Pamina: What the hell? What just happened?

Papageno: You passed out or something. Are you Pamina?

Pamina: HOLY CRAP WHO ARE YOU

Papageno: I'm Papageno! The Queen of the Night sent me and some jackass of a prince to find you.

Pamina: My mother sent you?

Papageno: Yes – assuming you're actually Pamina and not some random bondage enthusiast. I met this prince named Tamino earlier today and your mother thought he was handsome and stuff so she gave him your portrait and he fell in love with you right away!

Pamina: If he loves me so much, where the hell is he?

Papageno: Um... he sent me ahead to announce his arrival.

Pamina: Uh-huh.

Papageno: Yeah.

[He helps her out of the fuzzy handcuffs.]

Pamina: He has no idea where you are, does he.

Papageno: None at all. I'm completely fucking lost.

Pamina: Wonderful. I'm glad my rescuers are so competent.

Papageno: Look, can we just leave before Sarastro finds us and skins me alive? We have to get you back to your true love and everything.

Pamina: And I'm sure you have to get back to your wife!

Papageno: Nope.

Pamina: Girlfriend?

Papageno: Nnnnope.

Pamina: ... favorite prostitute?

Papageno: Surprisingly, there aren't many hookers who will accept payment in live birds.

Pamina: That's not as surprising as you might think.

Papageno: OH GOD I'M SO LONELY

Pamina: [patting him on the shoulder] It's okay. I'm sure you'll find a sweetheart eventually.

Papageno: But I want to get laid nooooow

Pamina: LOVE IS AWESOME AND IT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING

Papageno: FALLING IN LOVE AND HAVING BABIES IS A WOMAN'S MAIN DUTY IN LIFE

Both: WE LOVE THE IDEA OF LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE WILL BOTH ATTEMPT SUICIDE WHEN WE THINK OUR RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T GOING TO WORK OUT

The Audience: Nice to know you guys handle your problems in a healthy fashion.

[Pamina and Papageno have become best friends over the course of a three-minute duet, which is less of a problem than you might think because it actually makes more sense than instantly falling in love with someone's portrait. They join hands and run offstage. The scene changes once more, this time to a nearby grove. There are three temple gates here: the Temple of Nature, the Temple of Reason, and the Temple of Wisdom. Tamino enters with the Three Spirits.]

Tamino: Where the hell are we now?

First Spirit: We're at the Temple of Wisdom.

Tamino: And I'll find Pamina inside?

Second Spirit: Who said anything about Pamina?

Tamino: But –

Third Spirit: Here's the thing. You're kind of a wuss, so you won't be worthy of Pamina until you figure out how to be a man.

Tamino: And how do I do that?

First Spirit: You must be swift as a coursing river!

Second Spirit: With all the force of a great typhoon!

Third Spirit: With all the strength of a raging fire!

All Three: MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON

[They leave.]

Tamino: ... that didn't help at all.

[He looks around at the temples.]

Tamino: Welllll I still have to rescue Pamina, so I should probably go inside.

[He tries the door on the right.]

Disembodied Voices: NOPE

Tamino: Huh. Guess I'll try the door on the left.

Disembodied Voices: GTFO

Tamino: Son of a bitch. Well, let's see what's behind door number three!

[The door opens to reveal the Speaker, a member of Sarastro's order.]

The Speaker: What the hell do you want?

Tamino: Um... love and virtue and stuff like that.

The Speaker: You're a terrible liar. You're here to pick a fight.

Tamino: Not with you! Just with an evil sorcerer named Sarastro.

The Speaker: Sarastro's my boss.

Tamino: He lives in the Temple of Wisdom?

The Speaker: Yuuuuup.

Tamino: DAMMIT

[He starts to leave.]

The Speaker: You're just gonna walk away? What about your quest?

Tamino: Meh.

The Speaker: You know Sarastro isn't actually evil, right?

Tamino: He's totally evil! He kidnaps people and stuff!

The Speaker: Let me guess... you heard this from a woman?

Tamino: The Queen of the Night told me herself!

The Speaker: Yeah, you probably shouldn't believe anything that women tell you because they're all evil bitches and all they do is gossip.

Tamino: Huh. So Sarastro didn't kidnap Pamina?

The Speaker: Oh, he kidnapped the shit out of her – but he did it for a good reason.

Tamino: Which is... ?

The Speaker: I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Tamino: Well, how do I learn the answer?

The Speaker: Only by passing the trials of manhood and wisdom and joining our cult!

[He goes back inside and shuts the door.]

Tamino: Dammit. Will anyone ever tell me what's going on?

Disembodied Voices: Maybe soon! Or maybe never.

Tamino: GODDAMMIT STOP BEING SO MYSTERIOUS

Disembodied Voices: Nnnnnope.

Tamino: Fine. Can you just tell me if Pamina is still alive?

Disembodied Voices: Yeah, she's still alive.

Tamino: Yaaaaaaaaay

[He celebrates by sitting down and playing his flute. A bunch of animals come out of the woods, become entranced by the magic music, and start dancing.]

Tamino: THIS FLUTE IS SO AWESOME AND MAGICAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE AN OPERA ABOUT IT

The Audience: Soooo does the whole "controlling wild animals" thing serve any purpose in the opera other than taking up time?

Mozart: Nope. But it's pretty cool, right?

The Audience: Not really.

[Tamino keeps playing until he hears Papageno's pan-flute sounding nearby.]

Tamino: Hey! That sounds like Papageno!

[The magic flute and the pan pipes play back and forth a couple times, and Tamino rushes offstage to find Papageno. Papageno and Pamina run onstage from the other direction.]

The Audience: [facepalm]

Papageno: Oh man, we're so good at escaping! We should be fine as long as we stay quiet –

Pamina: HEY TAMINO WHERE ARE YOU

Papageno: LOWER YOUR GODDAMN VOICE

[Papageno plays his pipes. Tamino's flute answers nearby.]

Pamina: Yaaaay let's go find my pretty prince!

[Monostatos and his slaves enter.]

Monostatos: Or not.

Pamina and Papageno: SHIIIIIT

Monostatos: You'll never escape me, princess! Evil laughter!

Papageno: Hmm. Let's see what happens when I play the Deus Ex Glockenspiel...

[He starts playing. Monostatos and the slaves are immediately entranced by the music and start dancing.]

Monostatos: wooowww soooo prettyyyyyy

The Slaves: yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh

Papageno: That's right, bitches. Twirl for me.

[Monostatos and the slaves dance right offstage.]

Pamina and Papageno: THIS IS THE BEST GLOCKENSPIEL EVER

The Audience: … that's not really saying much.

[Suddenly, there are trumpets and an offstage chorus!]

Offstage Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO 'CAUSE HE'S PRETTY COOL

Papageno: Shit. What do we do?

The Audience: You could do the exact same thing you did two minutes ago and play your glockenspiel.

Papageno: No, because that would be the intelligent thing to do. Any other ideas?

Pamina: We'll just have to tell the truth and face our punishment!

Papageno: Screw that. I'm hiding.

[Papageno cowers and Pamina stands her ground. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: YAAAY FOR SARASTRO

Pamina: [kneeling before Sarastro] Sorry I tried to escape; your evil black servant was just being super molest-y.

Sarastro: It's okay. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.

Pamina: So can I go back to my mother?

Sarastro: Nope. She's an evil whore.

Pamina: But –

Sarastro: If I let you go back to her, she'll ruin you with her womanly ways.

Pamina: In case you hadn't noticed, I'm also a woman.

Sarastro: But you're still relatively innocent – and if you stay here long enough, you'll become so masculine that you'll barely be a woman at all!

Pamina: Yippee.

[Monostatos enters, dragging Tamino behind him.]

Monostatos: MASTER I FOUND THIS ASSHOLE SNOOPING AROUND THE TEMPLE

[Tamino and Pamina see each other.]

Pamina: My prince!

Tamino: My princess!

Both: [embracing each other] AND IIIIIIIIIIIIeeeIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUUUUUU

The Chorus: Aaahhhh they're touching each other! Gross!

[Monostatos pulls the lovers apart.]

Monostatos: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMAN

[He kneels before Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Master, this guy was planning on stealing the princess! You have to punish him and reward me for my loyal service!

Sarastro: Oh, you'll be rewarded, all right –

Monostatos: Yaaaaaaaay

Sarastro: – with seventy-seven lashes on the soles of your feet!

[Several chorus members grab Monostatos and drag him offstage.]

Monostatos: do not waaaaaaaaant

The Audience: So, wait. Sarastro's supposed to be a good guy, right?

Mozart: Yup.

The Audience: But he's a misogynistic asshole who owns slaves and will torture them at the drop of a hat?

Mozart: He sure is!

The Audience: So... why exactly is he better than the Queen of the Night?

Mozart: Because he has a penis.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Sarastro: Let Tamino and Papageno be blindfolded and led off to undergo some dangerous trials which they may not survive!

Papageno: Goddammit.

The Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]