Sunday, January 20, 2013

Il trovatore, Act IV

Previous installments: Act I, Act II, Act III

Act IV: The Punishment *

* Since this opera is hell-bent on disappointing me at every turn, this act doesn't end with a medieval version of the Punisher showing up and shooting everyone in the face. Thanks for nothing, Verdi.

Scene I: A wing of the castle of Aliaferia. A tower can be seen in the background, which is apparently where Manrico has been imprisoned. Two cloaked figures enter and lower their hoods, revealing themselves to be Leonora and Ruiz.

Ruiz: Well, that could have gone better.

Leonora: Gee, you think?

Ruiz: I mean... it wasn't a bad plan, per se. It's just that the execution of said plan left something to be desired.

Leonora: What plan? You guys just ran out of the castle, yelling and waving your swords. It's no wonder most of you were killed or captured.

Ruiz: Your negativity is not appreciated.

Leonora: Shut the fuck up. Also, “execution” was a pretty poor choice of words, considering what's in store for my beloved Manrico.

Ruiz: Yeeeah. My bad.

Leonora: And while we're on the subject of dick moves, let's talk about why you apparently abandoned your best friend/my lover in the middle of a battle and let him get captured.

The Audience: Because Ruiz isn't a suicidal moron?

Ruiz: Look. We can sit here all day and play the blame game, or we can figure out how to rescue Manrico.

Leonora: There's no “we.” It's just me. Get the fuck out of here.

Ruiz: Are you serious? I helped you escape Castellor! And – against my better judgement, I might add – I helped you break into the enemy stronghold!

The Audience: Actually, that's pretty awesome. This guy's kind of a badass.

Ruiz: Long story short, you need me.

Leonora: Nope! This ring on my hand is all the protection I need!

Ruiz: Whatever, Green Lantern. Just try not to get your dumb ass killed.

Leonora: Actually, getting my dumb ass killed is crucial to my plan.

Ruiz: [facepalm] Okay, fuck this noise. I'm out of here.

The Audience: NOOOO RUIZ DON'T LEAVE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S REMOTELY COMPETENT

Ruiz: Goddamn right I am.

[He leaves, taking with him everyone else's capacity to make good decisions. From this point on, all the characters act like complete jackasses.]

The Audience: … and how, exactly, is that different from the other three acts?

Me: Touché.

Verdi: Rude.

Leonora: [stroking her ring] Yes, my precious, you shall be my salvation...

The Audience: Is she –

Leonora: … preciousssssss …

The Audience: – she is. Okay.

Leonora: It's so wonderful to be back in the presence of my beloved – or, you know, the general vicinity of my beloved!

The Audience: You're just a big bag full of crazy, aren't you.

Leonora: Even though he doesn't know I'm here, it would be awesome if the breeze could carry my feelings of love to his cell and comfort him in his loneliness!

The Breeze: whooooosh okay but that's really not how air currents work whooooooooosh

Priests: [offstage] DEAR GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON THIS GUY WE'RE ABOUT TO PUT TO DEATH EVEN THOUGH HE TOTALLY HAS IT COMING

Leonora: OH GOD THEY'RE GONNA KILL MANRICO

Manrico: [offstage] I WELCOME DEATH BECAUSE I CAN'T BE WITH LEONORA

The Audience: Oh, for the love of god. STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY TEENAGER

Manrico: HEY I'M ABOUT TO BE EXECUTED SO I THINK A LITTLE WHINING IS ALLOWED

The Audience: [sigh] … fair enough.

Manrico: GOODBYE LEONORA

Leonora: NOOO I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE

Manrico: LEONORA ON THE SLIM CHANCE YOU'VE SNUCK INTO THE CASTLE AND YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU NOT TO FORGET ME BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PRETTY UNCOOL

Leonora: I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WOULD SACRIFICE MY OWN LIFE TO SAVE YOURS SO WE CAN BE REUNITED IN HEAVEN

The Audience: If death is the only way you can be reunited, why are you even trying to save his life? Wouldn't it just make more sense to kill yourself now?

Leonora: Because... I... uh...

The Audience: Yeah, that's what we thought.

Leonora: SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC HERE

[Count di Luna enters with several followers. Leonora hides.]

Di Luna: Okay, so I'm going to go over it one more time. When dawn comes, I want you to behead the rebel and burn the gypsy at the stake. Got it?

His Followers: Probably!

Di Luna: Good. Now get the hell out of here; I need to get my brood on.

[His followers exit.]

Di Luna: You know, it's entirely possible that I'm abusing my power by ordering these executions, but fuck it. The only thing I care about anymore is having dirty, violent sex with Leonora, and that bitch is nowhere to be found! HOW IS THAT REMOTELY FAIR

[Leonora emerges from her hiding place.]

Leonora: I think we need to have a little talk.

Di Luna: HOLY CRAP HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE

Leonora: I had a little help from a stone-cold badass.

Ruiz: [offstage] wooooooooo

Leonora: Basically, I'm here to ask you if you might be willing to let Manrico go.

Di Luna: Nnnnnope.

Leonora: Pretty please?

Di Luna: Nnnnnnooooope.

Leonora: PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU I'D DO ANYTHING

Di Luna: LISTEN YOU HEARTLESS BITCH THE MORE YOU BEG FOR HIS LIFE THE MORE I WANT TO KILL HIM SO THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE ME –

[Leonora shimmies seductively.]

Di Luna: … I stand corrected. You'd do anything, you say?

Leonora: [sigh] Yes, I'd even marry you.

Di Luna: Oh, we're way past that. The way I see it, there's a pretty solid chance that you and Manrico have already gone to town on each other – and there's no point in marrying a woman who's lost her virginity to someone else, because that's literally the only thing of value a woman has to offer a man!

The Audience: [growl]

Di Luna: Well, that and a hefty dowry.

Leonora: So... you don't want me anymore?

Di Luna: Oh, I never said that. I'm just thinking that maybe we could work out some kind of fuck-buddy arrangement instead of actually getting married. [undoing his pants] All aboard the Di Luna Express, baby.

Leonora: I think I just threw up a little.

Di Luna: I BEEN REALLY TRYIN' BABY
TRYIN' TO HOLD BACK THESE FEELINGS FOR SO LONG
AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE I FEEL BABY
THEN COME ON OHHH COME ON
LET'S GET IT ONNNN

Leonora: Aaaand I'm gonna stop you right there.

Di Luna: But you said –

Leonora: You free Manrico first, and then you can ravish me and whatnot.

Di Luna: Fiiiine. You promise?

Leonora: I swear on my own grave!

Di Luna: That sounds completely trustworthy!

[Di Luna calls a guard and takes a moment to confer with him.]

Leonora: Yeah, I'm totally gonna poison myself before he can get all up on this.

The Audience: Isn't that kinda breaking your promise?

Leonora: I mean, not really. He's welcome to do whatever he wants with my corpse.

The Audience: … gross.

[Leonora opens the Secret Poison Compartment™ on her ring.]

Leonora: DU RING AN MEINEM FINGER
MEIN GIFTIGES RINGELEIN
ICH DRÜCKE DICH FROMM AN DIE LIPPEN...

[She swallows the poison. Di Luna dismisses the guard.]

Di Luna: Okay, it's all set. We'll release Manrico –

Leonora: OH WONDERFUL RAPTURE AND BLISS

Di Luna: – and then I can take you back to my chambers and tear off all your clothes.

Leonora: Ugh.

Di Luna: WOOO THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY THIS COULD GO WRONG

[Scene II: The dungeon of Aliaferia. Azucena is lying on a mat in the corner; Manrico is seated a few feet away.]

Manrico: Hey, mom.

Azucena:

Manrico: Mom.

Azucena:

Manrico: MOM

Azucena: WHAT

Manrico: Are you still awake?

Azucena: I am now.

Manrico: Well, that's no good. You should try to get some sleep.

Azucena: … you're the worst son ever.

Manrico: Hey! I tried to come rescue you from a fiery death, so I think a little gratitude might be in order.

Azucena: I'd be more grateful if you had actually succeeded.

Manrico: Shut up. It's the thought that counts.

Azucena: I'll keep that in mind when my flesh is being seared by ravenous tongues of fire.

Manrico: You know what? I can't talk to you when you're like this.

Azucena: So do us both a favor and stop talking.

Manrico: FINE

Azucena: GOOD

[Sullen silence.]

Azucena: Look, I'm sorry. I'm just a little on edge because of the whole “being sentenced to death” thing.

Manrico: I know the feeling.

Azucena: But it's okay, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die before they come throw me on the fire.

Manrico: Oh. Are you sick?

Azucena: Maybe?

The Audience: No, but really. Is she actually dying?

Verdi: What do I look like, a doctor?

Azucena: Yes sir, they're only going to find my lifeless corpse when they come to get me and OH GOD THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME RIGHT NOW

Manrico: No one's coming, mom.

Azucena: MANRICOOO PROTECT YOUR POOR MOTHER

Manrico: Calm your tits, mom.

Azucena: OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE BURNED ALIVE

The Audience: To be fair, I don't think that's a thing that anyone wants.

Azucena: I STILL REMEMBER THE SIGHT OF MY MOTHER ON THE PYRE IT WAS AWFUL

Manrico: Well, take comfort in knowing that you're apparently going to die for some other reason before they can come get you.

Azucena: I WAS JUST MAKING THAT SHIT UP

Manrico: Oh. Then yeah, you're pretty much fucked.

Azucena: OH GOD I'M GONNA GET BURNED ALIVE

The Audience: If it's any consolation, you'll probably die from carbon monoxide poisoning before the flames can do much damage.

Azucena: Really?

The Audience: Well, unless the pyre-builder is really good at his job. If it's done right, it can last for hours and be utterly excruciating.

Azucena: YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYMORE

Manrico: Just calm down and go to sleep, mom.

Azucena: Okay, but wake me up if I start having nightmares.

Manrico: Deal.

[Azucena drifts off to sleep. Leonora enters.]

Manrico: Whaaaaaaaaaaat

Leonora: MANRICO MY BELOVED

Manrico: SHHHH MY MOM IS SLEEPING

Leonora: MANRICO MY BELOVED

Manrico: Thank you. What are you doing here? Is this one of those conjugal visits I've been hearing about?

Leonora: Even better – you're free!

Manrico: Holy shit. They're just letting us go?

Leonora: Well... not “us” so much as “just you.”

Manrico: You're not coming with me?

Leonora: Yeah, but it's fine. Just leave already!

Manrico: Waaaaait a minute. Did you promise to marry Count di Luna in exchange for my freedom?

Leonora: Well, not “marry,” exactly...

Manrico: YOU DIRTY HUSSY HOW COULD YOU BETRAY OUR LOVE

Leonora: I'M SAVING YOUR LIFE YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE

Azucena: [mumbling in her sleep] … yeah, more pancakes … sing me a song about the mountains …

Manrico: WELL I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE BECAUSE FUCK YOU

Leonora: JUST LISTEN TO ME

Manrico: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLUTTY SLUT SLUT

Leonora: I TOOK POISON SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO YIELD TO THE COUNT'S ADVANCES

Manrico: … wait, what?

Leonora: I'm literally dying to save your life. Now get the fuck out of here.

[She falls over.]

Manrico: OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS A JERK TO YOU

Leonora: It's … fine. I didn't expect … it would be so quick …

The Audience: thaaaaaat's what she said

Manrico: OH GOD TAKE CARE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL

Leonora: just leave already …

Manrico: NO I'M GONNA STAY WITH YOU

[Di Luna enters and sees what's going on.]

Leonora: I'm just glad … I'll never have to sleep with that asshole …

Di Luna: GodDAMMIT.

[She dies.]

Manrico: NOOOOO

Di Luna: Well, since she broke her promise, I don't have to keep mine. Guards! It's time to execute the prisoner!

[Several guards enter and drag Manrico out.]

Manrico: GOODBYE MOM YOU WERE THE BEST BIOLOGICAL MOTHER A REBEL GENERAL COULD HAVE ASKED FOR

Azucena: [waking up] Manrico! [to the Count] What have you done with him?

Di Luna: Oh, you know. He's just about to get beheaded.

Azucena: See, the thing about that is...

Di Luna: No time to listen to you! Look out the window!

The Audience: Now might be a really good time to mention that he's actually the Count's long-lost brother.

[Azucena goes over to the window and watches Manrico get beheaded.]

Di Luna: Aaaaand now he's dead! Hooray!

The Audience: Or not.

Azucena: YOU FOOL HE WAS YOUR LONG-LOST BROTHER

Di Luna: OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

Azucena: AND NOW MY MOTHER'S VENGEANCE IS COMPLETE

[She collapses.]

Di Luna: Fuuuuuuck.

The Audience: … so, wait. Instead of possibly saving the life of the man you raised as a son, you decided to wait until after he was dead to reveal your big secret.

Azucena: Yuuup.

The Audience: And the only reason he was captured in the first place was because he was trying to save your life.

Azucena: Yuuuuuup. But it was totally worth it to see the expression on the Count's face!

The Audience: … you're a bitch.

[End of the opera.]

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Il trovatore, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: The Son of the Gypsy Woman

Scene I: The Count di Luna's camp, outside the walls of Castellor. There are a bunch of soldiers sitting around and gambling. Ferrando enters.

The Soldiers: BOY WE SURE DO LOVE FUCKING AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING OUR JOBS

Ferrando: You guys are assholes. Why aren't you helping with the siege?

The Soldiers: We'll join the fight when we're needed.

[A group of archers walks across the stage.]

The Archers: … oh god … so much blood …

The Soldiers: See? They can handle it just fine.

Ferrando: Well, the Count has decided that we're storming the castle tomorrow morning. Participation is mandatory.

The Soldiers: But we don't wannaaaaaaa

Ferrando: Tough shit. On a happier note, we have reason to believe that Castellor holds a significant amount of booty, which will be ours for the taking once we get inside.

The Soldiers: This booty of which you speak. Is it, perchance, rockin' errywhere?

Ferrando: To the best of my knowledge, it's mostly just sitting there. But there's a fuckload of it!

The Soldiers: WOOO THEN LET'S GO GET SOME

Everyone: SOUND THE TRUMPET MOTHERFUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S GO TIME

[They run offstage to start preparing for the assault. The Count enters, looking broody.]

Di Luna: I SEE YOU OCCUPYING CASTELLOR WITH THE GIRL I LOVE
AND I'M LIKE “FUCK YOUUUU”

The Audience: Ooh ooh ooh!

Di Luna: There's only one solution to my problem – I need to storm the castle and murder everyone before Leonora can marry Manrico!

The Audience: Everyone?

Di Luna: Well, everyone except Leonora. Obviously.

[There's a commotion offstage. Ferrando rushes in.]

Ferrando: SIR OUR SENTRIES CAUGHT A GYPSY

Di Luna: OH MAN I HATE GYPSIES

Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT

Di Luna: What was she doing?

Ferrando: She was lurking around the edges of the camp like a total creeper, so she's clearly a spy. Also, she's probably a witch because that's how gypsies roll.

Di Luna: Well, duh.

[Several soldiers drag Azucena onstage.]

Azucena: GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS

Di Luna: Bring her over here so that we can see her face better, for reasons that have no significance whatsoever to the plot.

The Audience: Does she look familiar, Ferrando?

Ferrando: Not particularly. Why do you ask?

The Audience: No reason.

Di Luna: What were you doing skulking around our camp?

Azucena: Nothing. I'm a gypsy; we wander.

Di Luna: Bullshit. Where do you come from?

Azucena: I live in the mountains near Biscay.

Di Luna: A gypsy from Biscay? That sounds vaguely familiar for some reason.

Ferrando: Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

Azucena: I was perfectly happy there until my ungrateful son abandoned me to chase after some hussy, so now I'm stalking him. Because that's what good parents do.

Ferrando: HOLY CRAP HER FACE

The Audience: Took you long enough, jackass.

Di Luna: Say, would you happen to know anything about a kidnapping that happened near Biscay about fifteen years ago?

Azucena: Nnnnnope. Definitely not.

The Audience: Wait – it's only been fifteen years?

Verdi: Yeah, why?

The Audience: So that means that Manrico is only, like... sixteen or seventeen?

Verdi: Apparently.

The Audience: Then why'd you write the role so that no one under thirty-five can sing it?

Verdi: Because fuck you, that's why.

Azucena: Sooooo why do you want to know about this abducted baby, anyway?

Di Luna: BECAUSE HE WAS MY BROTHER

Azucena: OH SHIT

Di Luna: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING

Azucena: I'M TOTALLY POSITIVE NOW CAN I GO FIND MY SON

Ferrando: NNNOPE

Azucena: OH NOOOO

Ferrando: SHE'S TOTALLY THE ONE WHO MURDERED YOUR BABY BROTHER

The Soldiers: WHAAAAAT

Di Luna: YEAH THANKS I HAD ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT

Azucena: IT'S NOT TRUE IT WASN'T ME

Di Luna: SHUT YOUR LYING GYPSY MOUTH

The Soldiers: YEAH

Azucena: MANRICOOOOOOOO PLEASE COME HELP YOUR POOR CAPTURED MOTHER

Di Luna: Holy shit. You're Manrico's mother?

Azucena: Yeah. Why?

The Audience: Aaaand you just gave Count di Luna some pretty major leverage against your son. Way to go, you dumb bitch.

Di Luna: Today just keeps getting better and better!

Azucena: LET ME GO

Di Luna: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Azucena: WELL GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE THAN YOUR FATHER WAS

The Audience: You know who else God's gonna punish? People who set babies on fire.

Azucena: You're not helping.

Di Luna: Soooo here's the plan. I'm gonna torture the shit out of you in front of the walls of Castellor, and then I'm going to burn you at the stake. And if your son wants to save you, he'll have to come out from behind those big strong walls and fight my whole goddamn army.

Azucena: … shit.

[Di Luna, overjoyed, starts doing a Happy Revenge Dance.]

Di Luna: Doot de doot de dooo
Gonna avenge my brother's murder
Bow chicka chicka haaaaay

The Audience: Hey, do you know what dramatic irony is?

Di Luna: Nnnnope.

The Audience: Yeah, we didn't think so.

[The Count resumes his dance.]

Ferrando and the Soldiers: HELL YEAH LET'S BUILD US A MOTHERFUCKING PYRE

[They drag Azucena offstage.]

Scene II: A hall in Castellor, where Manrico and Leonora are preparing for their wedding. Ruiz, Manrico's second-in-command and all-around BFF, is also present.

Leonora: [looking out the window] I hear the sounds of battle! What's going on?

Manrico: Uh... did you miss the part where the Count di Luna and his entire fucking army are laying siege to the city?

Leonora: Apparently.

Manrico: Wow. Good thing I'm not marrying you for your brains.

Leonora: What?

Manrico: Nothing. In any case, I'm expecting them to mount a full-scale assault tomorrow morning.

Leonora: Oh noooooooo

Manrico: But it's okay! We'll triumph anyway – they may be a larger, stronger, better-equipped force, but we have justice on our side!

The Audience: Yeah, that's gonna work out great for you.

Manrico: Well, justice and some pretty huge walls. Yes sir, as long as we stay inside the castle and don't do anything stupid – like, say, going out and engaging them in open combat – there's no way we can lose!

The Audience: [sigh]

Manrico: [to Ruiz] Anyway, I'm just going to leave the entire defense of the castle in your capable hands.

Ruiz: But... you're the commander.

Manrico: Don't sass me, Ruiz. I'm about to get married! That's much more important than making sure we all survive the coming onslaught.

Ruiz: grumble grumble

[Ruiz leaves.]

Leonora: You know, maybe we don't have to get married right this instant. All this talk of war and stuff is kinda killing the mood.

The Audience: In a manner of speaking.

Manrico: Hush, darling. Just let the men-folk worry about that.

Leonora: And what should I think about instead?

Manrico: You know, womanly things. Love and rainbows and unicorns and stuff. Better yet, think about how lucky you are to be marrying a sixteen-year-old paragon of manliness like me!

Leonora: But –

Manrico: Oh, and there's a pretty significant possibility that I might die in battle. But if I do, just remember that I'm doing it for you!

Leonora: Yeah, that'll be a huge comfort when the Count di Luna kidnaps me and forces me to marry him. Thanks.

Manrico: Any time!

[An organ starts playing. Apparently they're next to the chapel or something.]

Leonora and Manrico: WOOO IT'S TIME TO GET MARRIED

[Ruiz rushes in.]

Ruiz: MANRICO THEY'VE CAPTURED THE GYPSY WOMAN

Manrico: Lots of gypsies are women. Which one are you talking about?

Ruiz: THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS TO THE PLOT

Manrico: OH SHIT

Ruiz: THEY'VE BUILT A PYRE AND THEY'RE GETTING READY TO THROW HER ONTO IT

Manrico: [running to the window] FUUUUUUUCK

Leonora: Why the hell do you care? Nobody even likes gypsies.

The Audience: Rude.

Manrico: YEAH BUT THIS ONE'S MY MOM

Leonora: Whaaaaaaaaaat

The Audience: Well... technically, she's not.

Manrico: RUIZ GO GATHER OUR SOLDIERS

[Ruiz runs out.]

Manrico: I'M GOING TO GO RESCUE MY MOTHER FROM THAT HORRIBLE PYRE EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS COMPLETELY ABANDONING MY ONE AND ONLY STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE

Leonora: Honey... no offense, but that's a terrible idea.

Manrico: I'M SORRY LEONORA I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY – “MOTHERS BEFORE LOVERS”

Leonora: … I don't think that's a thing that anyone says.

The Audience: AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL MOM

[Ruiz re-enters with a bunch of soldiers.]

Manrico: WHO'S READY FOR A SUICIDE MISSION

The Soldiers: THOUGH WE DIE IN COMBAT GORY
WE SHALL LIVE IN SONG AND STORY
WE GO TO IMMORTALITYYYYY

[Manrico and his men rush offstage to do battle.]

Leonora: Seriously? It's five minutes before our wedding, and you're just gonna abandon me?

Manrico: [offstage] YUUUUUP

[End of Act III.]

Next installment: Act IV

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Il trovatore, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The Gypsy Woman

Scene I: A gypsy camp in the mountains, several weeks (or possibly months) after Act I. It's almost dawn, and the camp-dwellers are sitting around a fire. Azucena (an old gypsy woman) and Manrico are both present, and doing what all Verdi characters do best: brooding.

Verdi: To be fair, most of my characters also have a particular affinity for fits of jealous rage. And sometimes murder.

Me: Duly noted.

[As the sun rises, the gypsies begin to sing.]

The Chorus: IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE THE SUN SHINE BECAUSE IT'S KINDA LIKE WHEN A HOT WIDOW DECIDES THAT SHE'S OVER HER DEAD HUSBAND AND SHE NEEDS TO GET HERSELF A NEW MAN SO SHE STARTS DRESSING ALL SLUTTY AGAIN AND EVERYONE IN TOWN IS LIKE “DAAAAMN” AND SHE'S LIKE “YEAH YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS”

The Audience: … is that a thing that happens often?

The Chorus: NOT VERY OFTEN WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO APPRECIATE IT WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN

The Audience: You people are weird.

The Chorus: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YOU PEOPLE”

The Audience: Nothing. Keep singing.

The Chorus: WELL NOW THAT THE SUN HAS RISEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

The Audience: No.

The Chorus: IT'S HAMMERTIME

[And then they all start pounding on anvils for no goddamn reason. Like... they're not in a blacksmith's shop and they don't have forges or anything. They just want to make some fucking noise.]

The Chorus: LA LA LA ANVIL CHORUS LA LA LA

The Audience: It's a catchy tune, though.

Verdi: I know, right?

The Chorus: THE ONLY THING WE LIKE MORE THAN POINTLESS HAMMERING IS HOT GYPSY BITCHES

The Audience: Is this at all relevant to the plot?

Verdi: Are chorus scenes ever relevant to the plot?

The Audience: … touché.

The Chorus: OH AND BOOZE
WE ALSO LIKE BOOZE

[Then Azucena gets up and totally bums everyone out by singing about death and stuff.]

Azucena: THEY THREW MY MOM IN A BURNING RING OF FIRE
SHE WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER
AND IT BURNED, BURNED, BURNED
THE RING OF FIIIIIRE
THE RING OF FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE

The Audience: So she's the daughter of the gypsy woman that Captain Whatshisname was singing about in Act I?

Verdi: Yuuup.

The Chorus: Way to kill the mood, Azucena. Now we're all hella depressed.

Azucena: You're depressed? I saw my own mother get burned at the stake, you assholes. I had to avenge her death and stuff.

[She looks meaningfully at Manrico.]

Manrico: Could you maybe stop giving me creepy looks when you talk about vengeance? It's kinda wigging me out.

Azucena: Nnnnnope.

An Old Gypsy Man: Okay, folks. It's time to get to work.

[And then everyone gets up and leaves, further proving the utter pointlessness of their short-lived anvil-banging schtick. No one seems to be a metal-worker by trade, so why the fuck do they keep anvils and hammers around? It literally serves no purpose whatsoever, except to give Leonora and Count di Luna three more minutes offstage.]

Di Luna: Bitch, this is some heavy-ass singing. We need all the rest we can get.

Verdi: Oh, stop being such a pussy.

[Once Manrico and Azucena are alone onstage, he starts pestering her.]

Manrico: Sooo can you explain that story you were telling earlier?

Azucena: It's pretty goddamn self-explanatory. The last Count di Luna had my mom burned at the stake for witchcraft.

Manrico: Seriously? That's rough.

Azucena: Yeah, jackass. How is it that you've never heard this story before? It was pretty much the defining moment of both of our lives.

The Audience: So, wait. Is she his mother or something?

Verdi: Yes. No. Kinda.

The Audience: What? She's either his mother or she isn't.

Verdi: JUST WATCH IT GETS EXPLAINED

Azucena: Sooo I was standing there, watching my mother get burned at the stake, and carrying my adorable infant son –

Manrico: And that was me?

Azucena:  yeah, I'm getting to that part. Anyway, when they lit the fire, she called to me and told me to avenge her death.

Manrico: Did she say anything else?

Azucena: “SWEET JESUS I CAN FEEL THE WRINKLED FLESH MELTING FROM MY BONES”

Manrico: Oh.

Azucena: And also screaming. There was a lot of screaming.

Manrico: I feel a little sick.

Azucena: Yeah, that happens. Anywho, I decided that I'd avenge my mother by stealing the Count's baby.

Manrico: That's kinda fucked up.

Azucena: Oh, you don't know the half of it. I stole the baby and made my way back to the fire, and suddenly I went a little crazy with bloodlust and threw the little bastard into the flames.

Manrico: Jesus Christ, mom. You killed a baby?

Azucena: And here's the kicker – when my vision cleared, I realized that I was still holding the Count's son! Turns out I threw my own child into the fire. Isn't that awkward?

The Audience: Soooo wait a minute. You were holding two babies, you decided to murder one, and you didn't bother to check which baby you were about to throw into a goddamn fire?

Azucena: Yeah, it was a pretty big slip-up. Boy, was my face red.

The Audience: You know what else turned red? Your son. And then he turned black. And then he turned into ash and fucking bone.

Azucena: It was an honest mistake!

Manrico: Sooo... I'm assuming I was born a few years later or something?

Azucena: Nope, he was my only child.

Manrico: … so you're telling me that you're not only a murderer of children, but that you're also not my real mother?

Azucena: Hey, I never said that. I took care of you! I raised you! That counts for way more than conceiving you, carrying you, and pushing you out my birth canal. You are – and always will be – my true son.

The Audience: That's pretty cold comfort, considering how you treated the other one.

Azucena: Shut the fuck up.

Manrico: okay, I'm confused.

The Audience: Big surprise.

Azucena: Of course you are. Strong, handsome, and intelligent was clearly too much to ask for.

Manrico: But –

Azucena: Listen – I'm old and crazy and my mind was such a jumble at the time of the baby-killing that I'm honestly not sure which child I threw to its horrific death. Don't pay any attention to my ramblings. Just think – haven't I been a good mother to you?

Manrico: [sighing] Yes, mother.

Azucena: And didn't I feed you and clothe you and stuff?

Manrico: Yes, mother.

Azucena: And didn't I drag your wounded ass off that battlefield –

The Audience: Wait, there was a battle? When the hell did that happen?

Verdi: It happened between acts.


The Audience: This is why we can't have nice things.

Azucena: – after the current Count di Luna kicked your ass and left you for dead?

Manrico: moooooooooooooom you're embarrassing meeeeeee

Azucena: Well, someone needs to tend to your wounds and keep you from dying.

Manrico: It wasn't my fault! All the other soldiers ran away and left me to fight di Luna's army on my own!

Azucena: Everyone else fled and you didn't?

Manrico: Because I'm brave!

Azucena: Because you're a fucking moron. And a terrible commanding officer, apparently.

Manrico: Sad face.

Azucena: This is why you should have killed that asshole of a count when you had the chance!

The Audience: Did this happen between acts, too?

Verdi: Kinda. It's from the end of Act I, just after the curtain fell.

The Audience: [growls]

Manrico: I know I should have killed him, but I just couldn't! There was some mystical force that held me back and told me to show him mercy!

The Audience: It's almost like he's your brother or something.

Verdi: SHHH YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT UNTIL THE VERY END

The Audience: Seriously? Because she pretty much just told him that he was the old count's son. The fact that he hasn't put two and two together yet is only a testament to how fucking stupid he is.

Verdi: grumble grumble

Azucena: Look, all I'm saying is that if you ever get the chance again, you need to kill that motherfucker until he's dead.

[A horn sounds offstage. Manrico replies with a blast on his own horn (not a euphemism). A messenger enters, carrying a letter.]

Messenger: I COME BEARING NEWS OF WAR AND STUFF

[He hands Manrico a letter.]

Manrico: [reading] “Dear Manrico,
Our kickass rebel army has captured the town of Castellor, and the prince has selected you to defend it! This task is of the utmost importance to our cause, so please make sure that absolutely nothing distracts you from this goal. Go directly to Castellor. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred doubloons.
Your pal,
Ruiz
PS – Remember your beloved Leonora? Well, she thinks you died in battle and so she's joining a convent tonight.”

The Audience: Sooo you tell him not to get distracted from this mission, and then you include the one piece of information that is absolutely sure to make him ignore his orders. Great job, Ruiz.

Manrico: AHHH I HAVE TO GO STOP HER

Azucena: NO YOU JACKASS YOUR WOUNDS ARE STILL HEALING

Manrico: I WILL DIE OF A BROKEN HEART IF I CAN'T MARRY HER

Azucena: YOU'LL DIE OF RAPID EXSANGUINATION IF YOU POP YOUR STITCHES

Manrico: TOTALLY WORTH IT

Azucena: DON'T LEAVE ME I'M JUST A FRAIL OLD GYPSY WOMAN AND ALSO DEFINITELY YOUR BIRTH MOTHER

The Audience: NO SHE'S NOT

Azucena: FUCK OFF

Manrico: I'M SORRY MOM I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE LEONORA MORE

[He exits.]

Azucena: Fuuuuuuck.

[Scene II: A convent, conveniently located near the town the rebels just captured. The Count di Luna enters with Ferrando and several soldiers.]

Di Luna: Okay. We're all clear on the plan, right?

Ferrando: You're going to kidnap a woman who would rather be celibate for the rest of her life than have sex with you. And then you're going to force her to marry you.

Di Luna: Well... when you put it like that, it sounds kinda douche-y.

Ferrando: Little bit.

Di Luna: Shut up. I finally kill that asshole Manrico, and just when I think there's nothing left to stop me from being with Leonora, the bitch decides to become a fucking nun! I mean, come on. Who does that?

Ferrando: The woman you're in love with, apparently.

Di Luna: [sighing] There's just something so attractive about the way she finds me utterly repugnant. And when I see her smile, I feel my soul ignite with a fiery passion that makes me want her even more!

Ferrando: … when was the last time she smiled at you?

Di Luna: SHUT THE FUCK UP FERRANDO

Ferrando: Yes, sir.

[The bells of the convent start ringing.]

Di Luna: OH SHIT THEY'RE COMING EVERYBODY HIDE

[Di Luna, Ferrando, and the soldiers conceal themselves in the shadows.]

Di Luna: Oh man, I'm gonna marry the hell out of this bitch. Not even God himself will prevent me from getting a piece of that ass!

The Audience: Again with the tempting fate. You can't say shit like that and expect things to work out in your favor.

[A group of nuns enter, leading Leonora and Inez toward the chapel.]

The Nuns: [offstage] YOUR HEART IS FULL OF SINFUL DESIRES BUT JOINING OUR ORDER WILL PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE YOU ENTRY INTO HEAVEN

The Audience: Yeah, that's not really how it works.

Leonora: Why the hell are you crying, Inez? You're not the one who's forsaking the world here.

Inez: [wailing] I'M JUST GONNA MISS YOU SO MUUUUUUCH

Leonora: Calm your tits. If anyone should be sad, it's me. With my true love dead, there's nothing in life that will ever make me happy again! I'm just going to shut myself within the walls of this convent and pray for the sweet release of death, which will reunite me with my beloved!

Di Luna: [stepping out of the shadows] Not if I have anything to say about it!

[Everyone gasps.]

The Nuns: OH HEAVENS IT'S THE COUNT

Ferrando: Nice dramatic timing, sir.

Di Luna: Thanks! [to Leonora] So hey, wanna get married?

Leonora: NO

Di Luna: Well, too bad. I like it so much that no power in heaven or hell will stop me from putting a ring on it!

[Manrico enters.]

Manrico: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Di Luna: GODDAMMIT THAT WAS MY LINE

Leonora: My beloved! Is it really you, or are you a vision sent from heaven?

Di Luna: AND ALSO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD

Manrico: I GOT BETTER

Di Luna: Well, we can fix that. Guards! Someone kill this asshole!

Manrico: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

[A bunch of Manrico's soldiers rush in and surround the Count and his guards.]

Manrico's Soldiers: LONG LIVE PRINCE URGEL

Di Luna: GODDAMMIT

Ferrando: Uh, we seem to be outnumbered. What do we do?

Di Luna: KILL EVERYONE EXCEPT LEONORA

Manrico's Soldiers: BRING IT BITCHES

Leonora: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON

[Chaos ensues as the curtain falls. End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III