Previous installment: Part I
Act I.V: Once
Valjean adopts Cosette, the story jumps forward again! We now find
ourselves in Paris in 1832, where we can instantly tell that times
are tough because those gross poor people are everywhere again.
Poor
People: LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN
YOU'VE HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE
BUT NOW – WE'RE DRESSED
LIKE GRIMY PIMPS AND WHORES
Gavroche:
Except
me! [bowing to the
audience]
Bonjour! I'm Gavroche, the lovable street urchin and your new
narrator!
The
Audience: We're
already an hour into the show. Why are we getting a narrator now?
Schönberg:
He's
not. He's just a character who directly addresses the audience from
time to time to explain the how the status quo has changed in the ten
years we skipped.
The
Audience: You
just described the exact
function
of a narrator.
Schönberg:
Shut
up.
Gavroche:
IN
WEST SAINT MICHELE I WAS BORN AND RAISED
IN THE GUTTER IS WHERE I SPENT
MOST OF MY DAYS
CHILLING OUT AND SCROUNGING FOR
MORSELS OF FOOD
AND PICKING THE POCKETS OF SOME
WEALTHY OLD DUDES
My
Readers: [facepalm]
Old
Beggar Woman: HEY
GET OFF OF MY BEGGIN' CORNER
Young
Prostitute:
NO YOU
GET OFF MY WHORIN'
CORNER AND STOP SCARING AWAY MY CUSTOMERS
Old
Beggar Woman: MAYBE
YOU'D HAVE MORE CUSTOMERS IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM ALL SYPHILIS
Young
Prostitute: OH
NO YOU DI–IIIIN'T
[Cue
catfight.]
The
Audience: [sighing]
Calm down, girls. You're both
pretty.
Both:
Really?
The
Audience: Not
even remotely. Now go away.
A
Pimp: Actually,
that old beggar woman was the hottest piece of ass here in the Rue
Putain until the pox fucked her face up and made her go crazy.
The
Audience: Gross.
Boublil:
So... practice safe sex, y'all.
Poor
People: WE
CAN'T AFFORD CONDOMS
[Enter
a group of students, led by Enjolras (who is charismatic, sexy, and
generally awesome) and Marius (who is a useless fucking moron). Guess
which one we'll spend more time with.]
Enjolras:
OCCUPY
PARIS, BITCHES
The
Audience: [swoon]
Marius:
I
WOULD ALSO LIKE TO DO THAT STUFF HE JUST SAID
The
Audience: Fuck
off.
Poor
People: FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE US SOME FOOD BECAUSE WE'RE LITERALLY STARVING TO
DEATH
Rich
People:
YOU'RE ONLY POOR BECAUSE OF YOUR BAD DECISIONS AND TERRIBLE WORK
ETHIC AND IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO BE SUCCESSFUL YOU'D PULL YOURSELVES
UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS LIKE WE
DID
Poor
People: …
wait, seriously? It's that easy?
Rich
People: Ahahahahaha
no. We were born rich.
Poor
People: Aw.
Rich
People: And
even if you work your way up into the middle class, we'll still treat
you nouveau-riche
assholes like shit because we're just fundamentally better than you.
Poor
People: Goddammit.
Marius:
ONLY
ONE MAN CARES ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR
The
Audience: You?
Marius:
What?
No. I mean... I care,
but what I meant
was ONLY ONE MAN IN A POSITION OF POWER CARES ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE
POOR
The
Audience: The
Bishop of Digne?
Marius:
No.
Dammit. ONLY ONE MAN IN A POSITION OF POWER WHO IS ALSO NOT A MEMBER
OF THE CLERGY CARES ABOUT –
Enjolras:
Jesus
Christ, Marius. [to
the audience] It's
General Lamarque.
The
Audience: Thanks,
Enjolras! You're so handsome!
Marius:
YES
IT'S THAT GUY BUT HE'S VERY SICK FOR SOME REASON AND HE MIGHT DIE
[Everyone
glares at the young prostitute on the corner.]
Young
Prostitute: IT
WASN'T ME I SWEAR
The
Audience: Sure
it wasn't.
Enjolras:
I ADVOCATE VIOLENCE AS A MEANS
FOR SOCIAL CHANGE
Gandhi:
Yeah, let me know how that works out for you.
Enjolras:
I ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING
PLANNED OUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE THESE KICKASS BARRICADES AND NOTHING
WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US
Michael
Collins: So instead of waging
an effective urban warfare campaign and blending into the general
population whenever you're not shooting your enemies in the face,
you're going to proclaim your intent to overthrow the government and
then just stay in one place and let the entire French army descend on
your position?
Enjolras:
It's foolproof.
Michael
Collins: [facepalm]
The
Audience: Goddammit. Why are
the pretty ones always so dumb?
Poor
People: THE SUN – HAS GONE
TO
BED AND SO MUST I
LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN
AUF
WIEDERSEHEN, GOODBYE
Gavroche:
NOW A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO ARE UP
TO NO GOOD
WANT
TO CAUSE SOME TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
[Enter
M. and Mme. Thénardier,
looking even sketchier than they did the first time around.]
The
Audience: We didn't even know
that was possible.
Me: I
know, right?
Gavroche: They
used to run an inn, but it closed as soon as everyone realized it was
a complete shithole and stopped drinking there. And now they run a
gang of pickpockets!
Thénardier:
It's amazing how much overlap
there is between those two skill sets.
[He
gestures for the gang to gather around.]
Thénardier:
Okay, so everyone knows what
they have to do. You start crying to attract some marks, and you
keep an eye out for the police with... DAMMIT ÉPONINE
WHERE DID YOU GO
Mme.
Thénardier:
She's
busy lusting after some students.
Thénardier:
grumble
grumble lousy no-good daughter
[Éponine
scampers across the stage to go see Marius.]
Éponine:
♥
♥ Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,
Mariuuuuuuus ♥
♥
Marius:
Oh
– hi, Éponine! How's it going?
Éponine:
gooooooooooood
Marius:
Are
you and your parents running your pickpocket schtick again?
Éponine:
Yeah, but I'd rather spent time with youuuuuuuuu
Marius:
[is
completely oblivious]
Éponine:
What are you doing with all those books?
Marius:
I'm
a student. Books come with the territory.
Éponine:
Pffffft. Reading is overrated! I'm plenty smart on my own!
My
Readers: we
see what you did there
Éponine:
I
could have gone to school if I wanted to, but I've already learned
everything I need to know from my life on the streets!
The
Audience: That's
too bad, because the Paris Community College is offering a course
that might be pretty useful for you. It's called “Asking Out Hot
Boys 101: How to Actively Secure Your Own Happiness Instead of
Sitting Around and Feeling Sorry for Yourself and Waiting for Him to
Notice You.”
Teenage
Girls in the Audience: OH
– EM – GEE
YOU GUYS CAN JUST SHUT UP BECAUSE ÉPONINE
IS PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND MARIUS IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT KNOWING
THAT SHE LOVES HIM AND IMMEDIATELY LOVING HER BACK BECAUSE THAT'S
TOTALLY HOW EMOTIONS WORK AND STUFF
Everyone
Else: Thanks,
Taylor Swift. Now be quiet; the adults are talking.
Marius:
It's
kinda cute how you think your simple, feminine brain is capable of
understanding complex concepts!
Éponine:
And
I
think it's cute how you style your hair!
The
Audience: This
is the worst flirting ever.
Éponine:
♥
♥ ♥
[Valjean
enters with Cosette.]
Marius:
BRB,
I have to go fall in love with someone else now!
[Marius
bumps into Cosette.]
Marius:
…♥…
Cosette:
♥!
Éponine:
GODDAMMIT
[Thénardier
beckons Valjean into a corner.]
Thénardier:
How
do you do, good sir! Would you be able to spare some change for a
poor, destitute – HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU
Valjean:
I
have no idea what you're talking about.
Thénardier:
YOU'RE
THE GUY WHO BOUGHT COSETTE FROM US
The
Audience: YOU
CAN'T BUY HER SHE'S A HUMAN BEING
[Thénardier's
thugs grab Valjean.]
Valjean:
You
must have me confused with someone else!
Thénardier:
Lies!
[They
tear open Valjean's shirt to display his sweet prison tats.]
Valjean:
Well,
this is awkward.
Éponine:
OH
SHIT IT'S THE COPS
[Javert
enters with several police officers and they break up the scuffle.]
Javert:
HOW
DARE YOU PEASANT SCUM ATTACK THIS DECENT GOD-FEARING RICH MAN
Thénardier:
But
Monsieur Inspector –
Javert:
Shut
up, lowlife. [turning
to Valjean] You're
safe now, sir!
[Valjean
has disappeared with Cosette.]
Javert:
…
?
Thénardier:
By
the way, that guy was totally an ex-convict.
Javert:
HOLY
SHIT IT MUST HAVE BEEN JEAN VALJEAN
The
Audience: Because
Jean Valjean is the only parole violator in all
of France.
Javert:
SHUT
UP I KNOW IT'S HIM
[The
other police officers run off to look for Valjean.]
Thénardier:
Sooooo
because I wasn't robbing anyone important, can I go?
Javert:
Yeah
sure whatever.
[Everyone
clears the stage so Javert can brood.]
Javert:
SOMEWHEEEERE
OUUUT THERE
BENEATH
THE PALE MOONLIIIIIIIGHT
SOMEONE'S
RUNNING FROOOOOOM ME
AND
HIDING IN THE NIIIIIIIGHT
My
Readers: No.
Me:
Yuuuuuuup.
Javert:
AND
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HOW VERY LONG I'VE FOLLOWED HIM
IT
HELPS TO THINK THAT I JUST MIGHT BE FINALLY CLOSING IIIIIIIIN
AND
WHILE HE RUNS AND STAGGERS THROUGH THE COLD AND DAMP NIGHT AIR
HE
KNOWS THAT HE WILL VERY SOON BE CAPTURED BY JAVEEEEEERT
The
Orchestra: Huge
crescendo into the final refrain!
Javert:
SOMEWHEEEEERE
OUUUUUT THERE
BEFORE
THE MISTY DAAAAAWN
I'LL
CLAP HIM IN IROOOONS
AND
AT LAST I'LL –
HAVE
CAUGHT JEAN –
VALJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
Javert's
Fangirls: [swoon]
[Gavroche
enters.]
Gavroche:
That
police guy thinks he's so great, but I'm way
more awesome than he is. In fact, I'm pretty much the main character
of this whole damn show. Just wait and see – I'll be alive and
kicking when everyone around me has gone the way of the dodo!
Victor
Hugo: It's
cute how you think that.
[Gavroche
leaves as Éponine
enters.]
Éponine:
That
girl looked so familiar... if only I could remember who she – HOLY
CRAP IT WAS COSETTE
[Marius
enters.]
Marius:
Hi,
Éponine!
Is there any way you could track down that girl I bumped into before?
Éponine:
Why
thank you, Marius – I'm glad you're safe too! And no, no one in my
family was hurt or arrested in that huge scuffle before.
Marius:
Well
I am
glad you're safe, but it's only because I'm going to use you to stalk
some random girl.
Éponine:
She looked like a stuck-up, spoiled bitch.
Marius:
She
was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen!
Éponine:
Thanks.
Marius:
Oh,
don't be that way. You don't count – you're such a good friend that
I hardly even think of you as a girl at all!
Éponine:
[facepalm]
Marius:
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease
find her for meeeeeee I'm so in looooooooooove
Éponine:
FINE
JUST STOP WHINING
Marius:
YAAAAAY
ÉPONINE
YOU'RE THE BEST
Éponine:
And
you're a jackass.
The
Audience: This
is why Éponine
needs a Sassy Gay Friend.
[Marius
and Éponine
go their separate ways. The scene changes to the ABC Cafe, which is
presumably located somewhere along the Rue Sésame. Enjolras and the
other students are inside, drinking and planning their glorious
revolution. The other students all have names – Combeferre,
Courfeyrac, Grantaire, etc. – but good luck telling them apart.]
The
Students: Everyone
in Paris is extremely dissatisfied with the current state of affairs,
so we can definitely
count on them to join in our glorious revolution!
The
Audience: Definitely.
The
Students: I
mean, it's not like they'd say
that they believe in some sort of political cause and then not do
anything about it except sit around and whine... right?
The
Audience: Of
course
not. That would be hypocritical.
Enjolras:
That's
right! If there's one thing we can count on, it's the willingness of
the average person to put his or her life on the line instead of just
sitting on their asses at home and staying safe!
The
Audience: Yeah,
you guys are pretty much fucked.
[Marius
walks in.]
Enjolras:
MARIUS
WHY ARE YOU LATE
Marius:
I
met a girl today! I'm in love!
Grantaire:
WOOOOO
MARIUS IS GOING TO GET LAAAAAID
[Actually,
you can always tell Grantaire apart from the others because he's a
huge bro and he's drunk all the time. He's kinda great.]
Grantaire:
GRATUITOUS
DON GIOVANNI REFERENCE
Enjolras:
Shut
up, Grantaire. [to
Marius]
Look, man – you need to decide what's more important to you: some
random girl you just met, or planning and participating in a bloody
revolution.
Grantaire:
YEAH
MAN BROS BEFORE HOS
Enjolras:
You're
not helping.
Marius:
But...
but... she's pretty!
Enjolras:
You
know what else is pretty? Our vision of a utopian France where
everyone is treated with dignity and respect! WON'T YOU HELP ME
ACHIEVE THAT GOAL
Marius:
But
I wanna get laaaaaaaaid
Grantaire:
That's
what prostitutes are for, bro.
Enjolras:
For
once, I agree with Grantaire. Women are a dime a dozen –
Grantaire:
Actually,
the good ones are more like twenty francs...
Enjolras:
–
but freedom is priceless!
Schönberg:
Could
you make your point again with some sort of color-based metaphor?
Enjolras:
With
gusto!
[He
picks up a checkerboard from a nearby table.]
Enjolras:
THE
RED STANDS FOR BLOOD AND THE BLACK STANDS FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT
WE'RE SICK OF
The
Students: YEAH
Marius:
[whining]
The red stands for my heart and the black stands for my despair if I
can't be with her!
Enjolras:
MARIUS
IT'S TIME TO MAN UP AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH
Marius:
But
–
[Just
so everyone knows, this next line is a direct quote:]
Enjolras:
WHO
CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL
The
Audience: Aaaaand
this is why Enjolras is awesome.
Everyone:
WOOOOO
THE
RED STANDS FOR BLOOD AND THE BLACK STANDS FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT
WE'RE SICK OF
Enjolras:
So,
boys – we don't have much time left! Do we have all our weapons and
supplies?
The
Students: Yuuuuup!
Grantaire:
We're
running a bit low on Natty Ice, bro.
Enjolras:
Go
home, Grantaire; you're drunk.
Grantaire:
…
are you not?
[Gavroche
rushes in.]
Gavroche:
HOLY
SHIT YOU GUYS GENERAL LAMARQUE JUST DIED
Enjolras:
MY
BROTHERS THIS IS THE SIGN WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TO BEGIN OUR
GLORIOUS REVOLUTION
The
Audience: …
what would you guys have done if he'd gotten better?
Enjolras:
Shut
up. TOMORROW WE SHALL RAISE THE BARRICADES AND ALL OF PARIS WILL
RALLY BEHIND US
The
Audience: You
hope.
Enjolras:
I
WANT EVERYONE TO GET UP AND GO TO THEIR WINDOWS AND SHOUT “WE'RE
MAD AS HELL AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE”
The
Students: YEAH
WE ARE GONNA BE SINGING SOME ANGRY SONGS WHILE WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR
LIVES AND A LOT OF US ARE PROBABLY GONNA DIE BUT IT'S ALL FOR THE
GREATER GOOOOOOOD
Everyone:
HOORAY
FOR MARTYRDOM
[The
scene changes to Valjean's house on the Rue Plumet. Cosette is
standing out in the garden.]
Cosette:
oh
man I don't understand all of these feels I'm experiencing right now
The
Audience: And
what do these feels feel like?
Cosette:
Well,
I feel excited and confused and a little scared and also kinda
hungry.
The
Audience: That's
probably love.
Cosette:
Really?
The
Audience: Yuuup.
God only knows why, though; Marius is a complete fucking moron.
Cosette:
But
he's so pretty!
The
Audience: Sure,
if you go for that sort of thing. Also, the hunger is probably
unrelated to you being in love, so you might want to eat a sandwich
or something.
Cosette:
I'm
so excited! I just want him to come and find me and take me in his
arms... I've been alone for so long that I never imagined having
someone to share my life with!
[Valjean
enters.]
Valjean:
Rude.
Cosette:
You
don't count, dad; I can't make out with you.
Fanfiction
Writers: Challenge
accepted!
Everyone
Else: Gross.
Valjean:
It's
okay. I know that you're almost a grown woman now, and you probably
want some company other than the old man who keeps you locked up in
the house all day.
The
Audience: …
when did this show turn into Sweeney
Todd?
Cosette:
Well,
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you'd tell me some stuff about your
mysterious past! Or maybe explain why you felt the need to run away
from those police officers today.
Valjean:
Nooope.
Cosette:
But
–
Valjean:
Noooooooope.
You're still to young to hear that story.
Cosette:
DAD
I'M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD I'M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN NOW
The
Audience: By
the standards of the time, she's practically a spinster already.
Cosette:
OH
GOD I'M A SPINSTER
Valjean:
CALM
YOUR TITS YOU'LL FIND OUT THE TRUTH WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT
[Valjean
goes back inside. Marius and Éponine enter on the street outside the
garden gate.]
Marius:
MY
GOD I'M
SO CLOSE TO THE WOMAN I LOVE I'M PRACTICALLY IN HEAVEN ALREADY
Éponine:
That
sound you hear is me throwing up in my mouth.
Marius:
THANK
YOU ÉPONINE YOU'RE THE BEST TOTALLY PLATONIC FRIEND A GUY COULD EVER
ASK FOR
Éponine:
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The
Audience: You
know, you could always tell him how you feel.
Éponine:
No
thanks, I think I'm gonna sit here and keep suffering in silence.
The
Audience: Hey,
we didn't know you were Catholic!
[Marius
approaches the garden gate.]
Marius:
WAY,
WAY DOWN INSIDE, HONEY YOU NEED
I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE
I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE
HEEEYYYYYYYYY
WANNA
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
Cosette:
[coming
to the gate] I
do
want a whole lot of love!
Marius:
My
name is Marius! What's yours?
Cosette:
I'm
Cosette!
Marius:
Is
it weird that I had someone follow you back to your house after I
bumped into you on the street today?
The
Audience: Yes.
Cosette:
Not
at all! I think it's romantic!
Marius:
This
is wonderful! We're together at last!
Cosette:
yaaaaaaaaaaaaay
The
Audience: [vomits]
Éponine:
I
know, right?
Marius:
I
WANNA GIVE YOU EVERY INCH OF MY LOVE
I
WANNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE
Cosette:
HEEEEEYYYY
WANNA
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
Marius:
SHAKE
FOR ME, GIRL
I
WANNA BE YOUR BACKDOOR MAN
Cosette:
Whooooaaaaaaaaa.
Slow your roll, motherfucker.
Marius:
Too
soon?
Cosette:
Ummm...
yeah. That's, like, third date material at the earliest.
Éponine:
[sadly]
He never offered to be my
backdoor man...
The
Audience: That's
probably a good thing. Marius is pretty much the
worst ever.
Marius
and Cosette: WE
LOVE EACH OTHER SOOO MUUUUUUUUCH
Éponine:
EAT
A DICK
[Montparnasse,
a member of Thénardier's gang, enters and notices Éponine.]
Montparnasse:
The
fuck are you
doing here?
Éponine:
I
could ask you the same question.
Montparnasse:
Oh,
nothing. We're just gonna rob this house.
Éponine:
Fuuuuuuuck.
[to
herself]
On the one hand, I'd love
to see Cosette and her old man get robbed blind – but on the other
hand, Marius would hate me if he thought I was involved with this.
[Thénardier
enters with the rest of the gang.]
Thénardier:
Okay,
everyone; here's the deal. The guy who lives in this house bought a
little girl from me about ten years ago – and since he's rich and
we're poor now, I think we should collect some interest.
Éponine:
That's
not how interest works.
Thénardier:
Who
the fuck are you?
Brujon:
She's
your daughter, moron.
Thénardier:
Oh.
Huh.
The
Audience: So
it's either really dark outside or he's got some serious dementia.
Me:
Can
it be both?
Thénardier:
Go
home, Éponine. We don't need you for this job.
Éponine:
You
don't need anyone
because he doesn't have anything worth stealing and maybe we should
leave him alone!
Thénardier:
I
have never been more ashamed to call you my daughter.
Montparnasse:
Just
stay out of our way, all right?
Éponine:
I'm
going to stop you from robbing that house, one way or the other.
Thénardier:
And
how exactly do you plan on doing that?
[Éponine
used SCREAM! It's super effective!]
Montparnasse:
FUCK
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE
Thénardier:
GODDAMMIT
ÉPONINE THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T STEAL NICE THINGS
[The
gang scatters.]
Marius:
Éponine,
you totally scared away all the bad guys! That was totally awesome!
Éponine:
[blushing]
Well,
I don't like to brag, but –
Marius:
Cosette!
This is Éponine, the girl who brought me here! She just saved you
from a gang of robbers!
Cosette:
Ohmygawd
Éponine thank you sooooo
much! Maybe you can be a bridesmaid when Marius and I get married!
Éponine:
[hisses]
Marius:
Someone's
coming! Let's hide!
[Marius
and Éponine scurry away as Valjean enters from the house.]
Valjean:
WHAT
THE HELL WHO JUST SCREAMED
Cosette:
Oh,
that was totally me. There were some creepy-looking dudes outside of
the gate and I got scared.
Valjean:
OH
SHIT IT MUST HAVE BEEN JAVERT HE'S CAUGHT UP WITH ME AT LAST
The
Audience: Okay,
this is an intervention. You and Javert are obviously obsessed with
each other, so can you guys just hate-fuck and get it over with?
Boublil:
I
think you guys might have misunderstood the meaning of the term
“intervention.”
The
Audience: DON'T
RUIN OUR FANTASIES
Valjean:
COSETTE
PACK YOUR SHIT WE'RE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF PARIS FIRST THING
TOMORROW
Cosette:
But
daaaaaaaaaaaaaad
–
Valjean:
JUST
SHUT UP AND DO IT
Schönberg:
And
now for the big ensemble finale, where all the characters close out
the act by singing about important events that are looming in the
next act!
Boublil:
It's
super original and no one's ever done anything like it before!
Leonard
Bernstein: Ahem.
Schönberg:
…
Boublil:
…
sorry.
Leonard
Bernstein: Damn
straight.
[One
by one, all the main characters appear onstage and announce their
plans for the second act.]
Valjean:
We're
going to get the hell out of town!
Cosette
and Marius: OH
NO WE MIGHT NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN BUT OUR LOVE WILL BE ETERNAL
Éponine:
I'm
going to make Marius finally
notice me
by participating in the revolution! What could possibly
go wrong?
Enjolras:
SOON
WE SHALL ERECT OUR BARRICADES AND SPREAD GLORIOUS REVOLUTION THROUGH
A SMALL SECTION OF THE PARIS SLUMS
Marius:
Should
I follow Cosette to wherever she's going, or would that be kinda
creepy?
Javert:
I'm
going to go undercover and infiltrate the rebel movement so I can
learn their plans!
The
Audience: That's
a terrible idea for two reasons. First of all, everyone
knows who you are
because you walk around shouting “I AM THE LAAAW” and telling
every criminal you encounter to remember your name.
Javert:
Yeah,
but –
The
Audience: And
the second
problem is that the entirety of the rebel plan consists of erecting
shoddy walls in the middle of the city and sitting
around waiting to get shot at.
Why bother risking your life when their cause is already doomed to
spectacular failure?
Javert:
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME
The
Thénardiers: We're
gonna loot some corpses! Hooraaaaaay
Marius:
[to
Enjolras]
Well, since my lady-love is leaving town, I guess I'll stay and fight
for freedom or whatever.
Grantaire:
WOOOOOOO
LET'S RAISE THOSE BRO-RICADES
Schönberg:
And
when
is this all gonna happen?
Everyone:
AT
THE END OF THE DAAAAAAAAY
Boublil:
No,
goddammit. That number already happened.
Everyone:
TOOONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
Leonard
Bernstein: [growls]
Everyone:
ONE
DAY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE