Pagliacci
An
absolute shit-show in two acts (Act II)
Music
and Libretto: Ruggero Leoncavallo
[Prologue:
Tonio, the scheming hunchback, steps in front of the curtain and
directly addresses the audience.]
The
Audience: Hey,
why do hunchbacks in
opera always have to be morally bankrupt?
Leoncavallo:
Because their outer ugliness
represents their twisted souls?
The
Audience: You're an asshole.
Tonio:
EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN
The
Audience: ...
Tonio:
That's better. [bowing] Allow me to introduce myself –
I'm the Prologue!
The
Audience: Hi!
Tonio:
Soooo here's the deal. Usually, when someone recites a prologue
for the audience, it's full of a bunch of "don't worry if bad
stuff happens onstage because none of it is real" bullshit.
Well, I'm here to tell you that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING CASE ANYMORE.
This is a true fucking story and Leoncavallo poured his heart and
soul into composing this shit and every emotion you see and hear
onstage tonight is ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT REAL. Tears? Real.
Anger? Real. Murder in a fit of jealous rage? YOU BETTER
FUCKING BELIEVE IT'S REAL.
The
Audience: Wait. Are you telling us that someone is actually,
literally going to get murdered onstage tonight?
Tonio:
I'M NOT DONE YET SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tonight, you assholes are
going to learn that actors and singers and performers are real people
with real emotions who feel the same things that you do.
The
Audience: Yeah, we're already aware of that.
Tonio:
... you are?
The
Audience: Yeah. It's not a hard concept to grasp.
Tonio:
Oh. Shit.
[Awkward
silence.]
Tonio:
THEN LET'S GET ON WITH THE FUCKING SHOW
[He
leaves. The curtain rises.]
The
Audience: Well, that was weird.
[Act
I: A village in Calabria, some time during the
mid-nineteenth century. A trumpet and a drum are heard offstage. A
chorus of villagers enters.]
The
Chorus: OH SHIT THE CLOWNS ARE COMING YAAAAAAY THEY'RE SO AWESOME
The
Audience: Sorry, but no. Clowns are fucking terrifying.
The
Chorus: WE LOVE THIS TROUPE OF TRAVELING PERFORMERS BECAUSE THEY
MAKE US MOMENTARILY FORGET THAT OUR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING
The
Audience: Oh. Well, that makes a bit more sense.
[The
performers enter on a large cart, each dressed as a character from
the Commedia dell'Arte. Tonio is dressed as Taddeo, the buffoon;
Beppe and Nedda are dressed as the lovers Arlecchino and Colombina,
respectively; lastly, Nedda's husband Canio is dressed as Pagliaccio,
who is Colombina's cuckolded husband.]
Leoncavallo:
See, their roles in the show mirror their roles in real life!
The
Audience: Yeah, that's great.
Leoncavallo:
Except Beppe, because fuck that guy.
Canio:
Thank you, good townsfolk –
Chorus
Men: YAAAAAAAY ARLECCHINO AND COLOMBINA OTP 4EVER
Chorus
Women: WHY WOULD YOU SHIP THEM IT'S SO BORING AND CANON
Canio:
Uh... guys?
Chorus
Men: SHUT UP THEY'RE ADORABLE
Chorus
Women: NUH UH PAGLIECCHINO IS THE ONLY PAIRING THAT MAKES ANY
SENSE IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT
Canio:
[banging on a drum] WOULD YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP WITH YOUR
FANDOM BULLSHIT
The
Chorus: [covering their ears] JESUS CHRIST THAT'S LOUD
[Canio
keeps banging on the drum.]
The
Chorus: DEAR GOD OUR EARS ARE
BLEEDING
[Canio
stops.]
Canio:
Are you guys gonna let me talk
now?
The
Chorus: AHAHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY
The
Audience: No, it wasn't. You
people are morons.
The
Chorus: LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE
HAS TO SAY
Canio:
OKAY I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE
ILLITERATE HICKS SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT
The
Chorus: Thanks!
Canio:
WE'RE PUTTING ON A REALLY
FUCKING AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT WITH ALL KINDS OF WACKY HIJINX AND
YOU'LL LAUGH AND CRY AND IT'LL BE AMAZING SO Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING BE
THERE
The
Chorus: WOOOOOO
[Tonio
tries to help Nedda down from the cart, but Canio shoves him away.]
Canio:
DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE
The
Chorus: HA HA EVERYONE LAUGH AT
THE CRIPPLED GUY
Tonio:
Fuck you guys.
The
Audience: No, but seriously.
Y'all are assholes.
Random
Villager 1: HEY CANIO COME
DRINK WITH US
Canio:
OKAY
Beppe:
I'LL COME TOO
Canio:
How about you, Tonio?
Tonio:
I'll be along soon; I have to
clean the donkey first.
The
Audience: Is that supposed to
be taken literally or as some sort of euphemism?
Leoncavallo:
… can it be both?
Random
Villager 2: Watch out, Canio!
He's only staying behind so he can bang your hot wife!
[Everyone
laughs.]
Canio:
AHAHAHAHA
YEAH THAT'S REALLY FUNNY but if you say that to me again I'll break
your fucking nose.
Random
Villager 2: Calm
down, man. It was just a joke.
Canio:
It's
all well and good when Nedda takes a different lover onstage, because
that's what's supposed to happen and everyone thinks it's funny. But
if I ever found out she had a lover in real life, I'd probably have a
serious mental breakdown and murder them both in the most public way
possible.
The
Chorus: …
wait, seriously?
Canio:
But
I'd never actually do that, because Nedda would never
cheat on me!
Nedda:
HA
HA YEAH TOTALLY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND NOT REMOTELY HOT IN
ANY WAY
[Suddenly,
bagpipes are heard playing offstage.]
The
Chorus: OH MAN THE BAGPIPES I
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH NOW
The
Audience: … wait, there are
Italian bagpipes?
Canio:
JUST REMEMBER TO COME TO OUR
SHOW TONIGHT
The
Chorus: WE ARE BELLS NOW DING
DONG DING DONG
The
Audience: This is stupid.
The
Chorus: AND ALL THE TEENAGERS
WANT TO MAKE OUT ON THE WAY TO CHURCH BECAUSE THAT'S APPARENTLY A
THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD
[Canio
exits with Beppe and the villagers. Nedda stays behind.]
Nedda:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck
fuckity fuck he suspects I'm having an affair and he's probably going
to kill me OH GOD WHAT DO I DO
The
Audience: Well, you should
probably keep calm and think about how you can get out of this
dangerous situation.
Nedda:
Actually, I think I'm just
going to waste my time wishing I could turn into a bird.
The
Audience: [facepalm]
Nedda:
BIRDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY GO
WHEREVER THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NOTHING CAN STOP
THEM
The
Audience: Except bigger birds.
Or lightning, for that matter.
Nedda:
SHUT UP IT'S MY DAYDREAM AND I
CAN DO WHAT I WANT
[Tonio
enters and listens to her.]
Nedda:
UP IN THE SKY – IT'S A BIRD –
IT'S A PLANE – NO WAIT IT'S DEFINITELY A BIRD BECAUSE PLANES
HAVEN'T BEEN INVENTED YET
The
Audience: You're crazy.
[Nedda
starts to leave and notices Tonio watching her.]
Nedda:
JESUS TONIO WHY ARE YOU SUCH A
CREEPER
Tonio:
It's not my fault! You're so
hot that I can't control my own actions!
Nedda:
You're gross.
Tonio:
NO I'M NOT I'M THE NICEST GUY
EVER AND YOU'RE JUST REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU HATE HUNCHBACKS
Nedda:
No, I'm rejecting you because
you're an asshole who won't stop sexually harassing me even though
I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested and I'm also married
to your boss.
Tonio:
COME ON STOP FRIENDZONING ME
Nedda:
First of all, the friend zone
is made-up bullshit. Second, I don't even want to be your friend, so
please fuck off already.
Tonio:
WHATEVER YOU'RE JUST A BITCH
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY
Nedda:
Just leave before I call Canio
and he beats the hell out of you.
Tonio:
HE WON'T GET HERE BEFORE I GET
SOME
[Tonio
attempts to grab Nedda and kiss her. Nedda grabs a whip left by the
cart and whacks Tonio in the face.]
The
Audience: Boom. Headshot.
Nedda:
MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER CHECK
YOURSELF BEFORE I WRECK
YOU
Tonio:
[running away]
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE
Nedda:
What a fucking asshole.
[Enter
Silvio, Nedda's secret lover.]
Silvio:
Nedda!
Nedda:
WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY
Silvio:
You
worry too much. Canio's at the tavern, and I made sure no one saw me
on my way here!
Nedda:
Yeah,
well. If you'd gotten here any sooner, Tonio would have seen you.
Silvio:
Whatever.
Tonio's just an idiot.
Nedda:
And
an attempted rapist.
Silvio:
Jesus
Christ. Are you okay?
Nedda:
Yeah,
I'm fine. I hit him in the face with a whip.
Silvio:
That's
my girl.
[They
embrace.]
Silvio:
Soooo since your life with the
traveling circus sucks so much, how about running away with me?
Nedda:
You know I can't.
Silvio:
Come
onnnnnnnn
you don't even love Canio and you never have so why are you still
with him and why don't you want to run away and don't you love
meeeeeeeeeeee
The
Audience: Jesus.
Are all
the men in this opera crazy, needy, or some combination of the above?
Leoncavallo:
Yeah,
pretty much.
Nedda:
It's
too dangerous, darling. It would be better for us to part ways and
pretend this never happened.
[Tonio
enters, unseen.]
Silvio:
THEN
YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE
Tonio:
[to himself]
She's cheating on Canio? Time to get my Iago on!
[He
runs off.]
Nedda:
Of course
I love you, Silvio!
Silvio:
BUT YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE AND I'M
GONNA BE SAD
Nedda:
But –
Silvio:
I DON'T BELIEVE
IN LIFE AFTER LOVE
I
CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY
I
REALLY DON'T THINK I'M STRONG ENOUGH
Nedda:
Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine,
I'll run away with you and we'll live happily ever after and stuff.
Silvio:
Really?
Nedda:
Really.
[They
start making out as Tonio and Canio arrive, hidden in the shadows.]
The
Audience: He moves pretty
quickly for a hunchback.
Silvio:
[to Nedda]
Meet me at midnight, and then we can be together forever!
The
Audience: That's not even
remotely ominous wording.
Nedda:
Yes, I'll be yours forever!
Canio:
A-HA
Nedda:
OH SHIT IT'S MY HUSBAND –
RUUUUUUUN
[Tonio
and Canio emerge from their hiding place, but Silvio escapes before
Canio can see his face. Canio chases him off.]
Canio:
[offstage] WHERE
ARE YOU GODDAMMIT
[Tonio
laughs.]
Nedda:
Is this your fault?
Tonio:
Yuuuuuuuuuup.
Nedda:
This is low, even for you.
Tonio:
It serves you right, harlot.
Nedda:
Fuck yourself.
[Canio
re-enters.]
Canio:
WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT
Nedda:
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
Canio:
[drawing his knife] TELL
ME HIS NAME OR I'LL KILL YOU
Nedda:
Not gonna happen.
[Canio
raises his knife to stab her, but Beppe rushes in and stops him.]
Beppe:
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN PUT
DOWN THE KNIFE
Canio:
NEVER
Beppe:
THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE COMING AND
THE SHOW STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES
Canio:
TELL ME HIS NAME
Beppe:
CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO GET
READY
[Tonio
takes Canio off to one side as Beppe talks to Nedda.]
Nedda:
Are we seriously going to do a
show after he just tried to kill me?
Beppe:
Oh, you know Canio. He'll calm
down soon enough.
Nedda:
And what if he doesn't?
Beppe:
It's not like he'll try
anything with the whole town watching. Come on – what could go
wrong?
The
Audience: [groan]
[Nedda
exits.]
Canio:
[to Tonio]
What the fuck am I gonna do now?
Tonio:
Just stay calm and get ready
for the show. Nedda's lover will probably be there, so maybe you can
kill two birds with one knife!
The
Audience: You mean stone.
Tonio:
I know what I mean.
Beppe:
COME ON YOU GUYS GET DRESSED
ALREADY
[Tonio
and Beppe exit. Canio begins to get ready.]
Canio:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PERFORM
WHEN I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME OH GOD MY WHOLE LIFE
IS RUINED
[He
starts putting on his makeup and costume.]
At Least a Quarter of the Audience:
Ohhhh, we get it now! This is
that opera about the sad clown, isn't it?
Everyone Else: Oh,
for fuck's sake.