Monday, June 17, 2013

Pagliacci, Act I

Pagliacci
An absolute shit-show in two acts (Act II)

Music and Libretto: Ruggero Leoncavallo


[Prologue: Tonio, the scheming hunchback, steps in front of the curtain and directly addresses the audience.]

The Audience: Hey, why do hunchbacks in opera always have to be morally bankrupt?

Leoncavallo: Because their outer ugliness represents their twisted souls?

The Audience: You're an asshole.

Tonio: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN

The Audience: ...

Tonio: That's better. [bowing] Allow me to introduce myself – I'm the Prologue!

The Audience: Hi!

Tonio: Soooo here's the deal. Usually, when someone recites a prologue for the audience, it's full of a bunch of "don't worry if bad stuff happens onstage because none of it is real" bullshit. Well, I'm here to tell you that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING CASE ANYMORE. This is a true fucking story and Leoncavallo poured his heart and soul into composing this shit and every emotion you see and hear onstage tonight is ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT REAL. Tears? Real. Anger? Real. Murder in a fit of jealous rage? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT'S REAL.

The Audience: Wait. Are you telling us that someone is actually, literally going to get murdered onstage tonight?

Tonio: I'M NOT DONE YET SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tonight, you assholes are going to learn that actors and singers and performers are real people with real emotions who feel the same things that you do.

The Audience: Yeah, we're already aware of that.

Tonio: ... you are?

The Audience: Yeah. It's not a hard concept to grasp.

Tonio: Oh. Shit.

[Awkward silence.]

Tonio: THEN LET'S GET ON WITH THE FUCKING SHOW

[He leaves. The curtain rises.]

The Audience: Well, that was weird.

[Act I: A village in Calabria, some time during the mid-nineteenth century. A trumpet and a drum are heard offstage. A chorus of villagers enters.]

The Chorus: OH SHIT THE CLOWNS ARE COMING YAAAAAAY THEY'RE SO AWESOME

The Audience: Sorry, but no. Clowns are fucking terrifying.

The Chorus: WE LOVE THIS TROUPE OF TRAVELING PERFORMERS BECAUSE THEY MAKE US MOMENTARILY FORGET THAT OUR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING

The Audience: Oh. Well, that makes a bit more sense.

[The performers enter on a large cart, each dressed as a character from the Commedia dell'Arte. Tonio is dressed as Taddeo, the buffoon; Beppe and Nedda are dressed as the lovers Arlecchino and Colombina, respectively; lastly, Nedda's husband Canio is dressed as Pagliaccio, who is Colombina's cuckolded husband.]

Leoncavallo: See, their roles in the show mirror their roles in real life!

The Audience: Yeah, that's great.

Leoncavallo: Except Beppe, because fuck that guy.

Canio: Thank you, good townsfolk –

Chorus Men: YAAAAAAAY ARLECCHINO AND COLOMBINA OTP 4EVER

Chorus Women: WHY WOULD YOU SHIP THEM IT'S SO BORING AND CANON

Canio: Uh... guys?

Chorus Men: SHUT UP THEY'RE ADORABLE

Chorus Women: NUH UH PAGLIECCHINO IS THE ONLY PAIRING THAT MAKES ANY SENSE IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT

Canio: [banging on a drum] WOULD YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP WITH YOUR FANDOM BULLSHIT

The Chorus: [covering their ears] JESUS CHRIST THAT'S LOUD

[Canio keeps banging on the drum.]

The Chorus: DEAR GOD OUR EARS ARE BLEEDING

[Canio stops.]

Canio: Are you guys gonna let me talk now?

The Chorus: AHAHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY

The Audience: No, it wasn't. You people are morons.

The Chorus: LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY

Canio: OKAY I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE ILLITERATE HICKS SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT

The Chorus: Thanks!

Canio: WE'RE PUTTING ON A REALLY FUCKING AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT WITH ALL KINDS OF WACKY HIJINX AND YOU'LL LAUGH AND CRY AND IT'LL BE AMAZING SO Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING BE THERE

The Chorus: WOOOOOO

[Tonio tries to help Nedda down from the cart, but Canio shoves him away.]

Canio: DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE

The Chorus: HA HA EVERYONE LAUGH AT THE CRIPPLED GUY

Tonio: Fuck you guys.

The Audience: No, but seriously. Y'all are assholes.

Random Villager 1: HEY CANIO COME DRINK WITH US

Canio: OKAY

Beppe: I'LL COME TOO

Canio: How about you, Tonio?

Tonio: I'll be along soon; I have to clean the donkey first.

The Audience: Is that supposed to be taken literally or as some sort of euphemism?

Leoncavallo: … can it be both?

Random Villager 2: Watch out, Canio! He's only staying behind so he can bang your hot wife!

[Everyone laughs.]

Canio: AHAHAHAHA YEAH THAT'S REALLY FUNNY but if you say that to me again I'll break your fucking nose.

Random Villager 2: Calm down, man. It was just a joke.

Canio: It's all well and good when Nedda takes a different lover onstage, because that's what's supposed to happen and everyone thinks it's funny. But if I ever found out she had a lover in real life, I'd probably have a serious mental breakdown and murder them both in the most public way possible.

The Chorus: … wait, seriously?

Canio: But I'd never actually do that, because Nedda would never cheat on me!

Nedda: HA HA YEAH TOTALLY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND NOT REMOTELY HOT IN ANY WAY

[Suddenly, bagpipes are heard playing offstage.]

The Chorus: OH MAN THE BAGPIPES I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH NOW

The Audience: … wait, there are Italian bagpipes?

Canio: JUST REMEMBER TO COME TO OUR SHOW TONIGHT

The Chorus: WE ARE BELLS NOW DING DONG DING DONG

The Audience: This is stupid.

The Chorus: AND ALL THE TEENAGERS WANT TO MAKE OUT ON THE WAY TO CHURCH BECAUSE THAT'S APPARENTLY A THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD

[Canio exits with Beppe and the villagers. Nedda stays behind.]

Nedda: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck he suspects I'm having an affair and he's probably going to kill me OH GOD WHAT DO I DO

The Audience: Well, you should probably keep calm and think about how you can get out of this dangerous situation.

Nedda: Actually, I think I'm just going to waste my time wishing I could turn into a bird.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Nedda: BIRDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY GO WHEREVER THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NOTHING CAN STOP THEM

The Audience: Except bigger birds. Or lightning, for that matter.

Nedda: SHUT UP IT'S MY DAYDREAM AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT

[Tonio enters and listens to her.]

Nedda: UP IN THE SKY – IT'S A BIRD – IT'S A PLANE – NO WAIT IT'S DEFINITELY A BIRD BECAUSE PLANES HAVEN'T BEEN INVENTED YET

The Audience: You're crazy.

[Nedda starts to leave and notices Tonio watching her.]

Nedda: JESUS TONIO WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CREEPER

Tonio: It's not my fault! You're so hot that I can't control my own actions!

Nedda: You're gross.

Tonio: NO I'M NOT I'M THE NICEST GUY EVER AND YOU'RE JUST REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU HATE HUNCHBACKS

Nedda: No, I'm rejecting you because you're an asshole who won't stop sexually harassing me even though I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested and I'm also married to your boss.

Tonio: COME ON STOP FRIENDZONING ME

Nedda: First of all, the friend zone is made-up bullshit. Second, I don't even want to be your friend, so please fuck off already.

Tonio: WHATEVER YOU'RE JUST A BITCH AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY

Nedda: Just leave before I call Canio and he beats the hell out of you.

Tonio: HE WON'T GET HERE BEFORE I GET SOME

[Tonio attempts to grab Nedda and kiss her. Nedda grabs a whip left by the cart and whacks Tonio in the face.]

The Audience: Boom. Headshot.

Nedda: MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE I WRECK YOU

Tonio: [running away] I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE

Nedda: What a fucking asshole.

[Enter Silvio, Nedda's secret lover.]

Silvio: Nedda!

Nedda: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY

Silvio: You worry too much. Canio's at the tavern, and I made sure no one saw me on my way here!

Nedda: Yeah, well. If you'd gotten here any sooner, Tonio would have seen you.

Silvio: Whatever. Tonio's just an idiot.

Nedda: And an attempted rapist.

Silvio: Jesus Christ. Are you okay?

Nedda: Yeah, I'm fine. I hit him in the face with a whip.

Silvio: That's my girl.

[They embrace.]

Silvio: Soooo since your life with the traveling circus sucks so much, how about running away with me?

Nedda: You know I can't.

Silvio: Come onnnnnnnn you don't even love Canio and you never have so why are you still with him and why don't you want to run away and don't you love meeeeeeeeeeee

The Audience: Jesus. Are all the men in this opera crazy, needy, or some combination of the above?

Leoncavallo: Yeah, pretty much.

Nedda: It's too dangerous, darling. It would be better for us to part ways and pretend this never happened.

[Tonio enters, unseen.]

Silvio: THEN YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE

Tonio: [to himself] She's cheating on Canio? Time to get my Iago on!

[He runs off.]

Nedda: Of course I love you, Silvio!

Silvio: BUT YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE AND I'M GONNA BE SAD

Nedda: But –

Silvio: I DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE
I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY
I REALLY DON'T THINK I'M STRONG ENOUGH

Nedda: Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine, I'll run away with you and we'll live happily ever after and stuff.

Silvio: Really?

Nedda: Really.

[They start making out as Tonio and Canio arrive, hidden in the shadows.]

The Audience: He moves pretty quickly for a hunchback.

Silvio: [to Nedda] Meet me at midnight, and then we can be together forever!

The Audience: That's not even remotely ominous wording.

Nedda: Yes, I'll be yours forever!

Canio: A-HA

Nedda: OH SHIT IT'S MY HUSBAND – RUUUUUUUN

[Tonio and Canio emerge from their hiding place, but Silvio escapes before Canio can see his face. Canio chases him off.]

Canio: [offstage] WHERE ARE YOU GODDAMMIT

[Tonio laughs.]

Nedda: Is this your fault?

Tonio: Yuuuuuuuuuup.

Nedda: This is low, even for you.

Tonio: It serves you right, harlot.

Nedda: Fuck yourself.

[Canio re-enters.]

Canio: WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT

Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Canio: [drawing his knife] TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL KILL YOU

Nedda: Not gonna happen.

[Canio raises his knife to stab her, but Beppe rushes in and stops him.]

Beppe: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN PUT DOWN THE KNIFE

Canio: NEVER

Beppe: THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE COMING AND THE SHOW STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES

Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME

Beppe: CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO GET READY

[Tonio takes Canio off to one side as Beppe talks to Nedda.]

Nedda: Are we seriously going to do a show after he just tried to kill me?

Beppe: Oh, you know Canio. He'll calm down soon enough.

Nedda: And what if he doesn't?

Beppe: It's not like he'll try anything with the whole town watching. Come on – what could go wrong?

The Audience: [groan]

[Nedda exits.]

Canio: [to Tonio] What the fuck am I gonna do now?

Tonio: Just stay calm and get ready for the show. Nedda's lover will probably be there, so maybe you can kill two birds with one knife!

The Audience: You mean stone.

Tonio: I know what I mean.

Beppe: COME ON YOU GUYS GET DRESSED ALREADY

[Tonio and Beppe exit. Canio begins to get ready.]

Canio: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PERFORM WHEN I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME OH GOD MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED

[He starts putting on his makeup and costume.]

Canio: SMIIIILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS ACHING
SMIIIIILE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING

At Least a Quarter of the Audience: Ohhhh, we get it now! This is that opera about the sad clown, isn't it?

Everyone Else: Oh, for fuck's sake.

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

Monday, June 10, 2013

Cavalleria rusticana

Cavalleria Rusticana
A melodrama in one act

Music: Pietro Mascagni
Libretto: Giovanni Targioni-Tozzetti and Guido Menasci


[The opera takes place in the mid-nineteenth century, in a small Sicilian village. During the prelude, the tenor starts singing from behind the curtain.]

Turiddu: [offstage] I met her in my mom's bar down in Sicily
And she was super hot and had sex with me, oh my Lola
L-O-L-A, Lola
And she went and got married while I was away
But I'm back and now I'm sleeping with her anyway, 'cause YOLO
Y-O-L-O, YOLO
And her husbands pretty tough and a jealous guy
But she's hot enough that I don't even care if I die, oh my Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola

Mascagni: Actually, that pretty much covers the whole plot of the opera right there.

The Audience: So... can we leave now, or would that be awkward?

Mascagni: You can't leave yet! You'll miss all the Catholic guilt!

The Audience: Oh joy.

[The curtain rises on the town square, which has a church at one end and Turiddu's mom's wine bar at the other.]

The Audience: Religion and alcohol, the two staples of any Sicilian upbringing.

Me: To be fair, that also describes Ireland.

[The chorus enters.]

Chorus Women: WE ARE SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK WHO ENJOY OUR SIMPLE COUNTRY LIVES

Chorus Men: YES INDEED WE WORK HARD ALL DAY AND THEN WE ENJOY THE SIMPLE COMFORTS OF OUR QUAINT HOMES

Chorus Women: YOU COULD EVEN SAY OUR LIVES ARE PRETTY RUSTIC

Chorus Men: AND CHIVALROUS

Chorus Women: THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE THAN AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WHO WAS CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY, SUFFERED UNDER PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED, AND WAS BURIED

Mascagni: Oh, right. It's Easter, by the way.

The Audience: Of course it is.

The Chorus: WE'RE SO EXCITED TO CELEBRATE EASTER IN A COMPLETELY PEACEFUL AND NON-MURDEROUS FASHION

[They exit. Enter Santuzza, a young woman from the village. She seeks out Mama Lucia, who is Turiddu's mother and the proprietor of the wine bar.]

Santuzza: MAMA LUCIA WHERE IS TURIDDU

Mama Lucia: I'm sorry; you must have me confused with someone who talks to dirty whores.

Santuzza: Rude.

Mama Lucia: Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Santuzza: Pleeeeease I need to talk to Turiddu and I need to know where he iiiiiiiiis

Mama Lucia: He's not here; he's gone to Francofonte to buy more wine.

Santuzza: No, he's totally back.

Mama Lucia: BITCH IF YOU KNOW SO MUCH THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME WHERE HE WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Santuzza: Someone saw him here in town last night!

Mama Lucia: What? Aw, hell naw. He can cavort with brazen hussies all he wants –

Santuzza: I have feelings, you know.

Mama Lucia: – but the minute he starts messing with my business, it is on.

The Audience: Good to know she's got her priorities in order.

[Mama Lucia beckons to Santuzza.]

Mama Lucia: Come inside; we can talk more.

Santuzza: I CAN'T ENTER YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED

The Audience: We're pretty sure that's not how excommunication works, but whatever.

Mama Lucia: Fine. Just tell me what my son's been up to!

Santuzza: Well...

[Alfio enters. The chorus follows him on because they have nothing better to do.]

Alfio: BOY I SURE LOVE CARTING SHIT FROM TOWN TO TOWN

The Chorus: YEAH THAT'S APPARENTLY A THING THAT PEOPLE DO

Alfio: BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE BACK HOME FOR EASTER SO I CAN SEE MY LOVING WIFE LOLA WHO WOULD NEVER EVER CUCKOLD ME

Santuzza: cough cough SLUT cough cough

Alfio: YAAAAY IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME

The Chorus: YAAAAAAAY

Alfio: Hey, Mama Lucia – do you have any of that wine I love so much?

Mama Lucia: Not at the moment – Turiddu has gone to get more.

Alfio: But he's back, isn't he? I saw him near my house this morning, looking completely inconspicuous!

Mama Lucia: GODDAMMIT HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN BACK IN TOWN

[Santuzza elbows Mama Lucia.]

Santuzza: [whispering] Ix-nay on the Uriddu-Tay.

Mama Lucia: Bitch, you know I don't speak Latin.

Santuzza: Just shut up.

[Singing can be heard from the church.]

Alfio: Y'all bitches are late for mass.

Mama Lucia: Aren't you gonna go?

Alfio: I have to drop some stuff off at home first, but I'm sure I'll arrive at the church at an appropriately dramatic moment.

[He leaves. The offstage chorus sings in Latin.]

Offstage Chorus: LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT
VESTIBULUM FEUGIAT IMPERDIET
LIBERO UT ALIQUAM

Onstage Chorus: YAY FOR JESUS
HE HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND STUFF

Santuzza: I AM SAD BECAUSE I CAN'T GO INTO THE CHURCH

The Chorus: ALLELUIAAAAAAAA

[Everyone goes into church except Santuzza and Mama Lucia.]

Mama Lucia: Soooo why did you tell me to shut up?

Santuzza: You know how Turiddu had sworn to love Lola forever before he went off to be a soldier?

Mama Lucia: Yeah...

Santuzza: Well, when he got back and saw that she was married, he seduced me to make her jealous.

The Audience: What a douche.

Santuzza: He said he loved me and promised that we would get married, but now he's just banging Lola whenever Alfio's out of town. OH GOD I'M THE TOWN HARLOT

Mama Lucia: Well, shit. And this is why you can't go to church?

Santuzza: More or less. But it's okay; I'll just wait outside and interact with the other main characters.

[Mama Lucia leaves. Turiddu enters.]

Turiddu: Oh, hey.

Santuzza: There you are! I've been waiting for you!

Turiddu: That's great. Aren't you going to church?

Santuzza: NO BECAUSE I'M A SINFUL SINNER AND IT'S YOUR FAULT

Turiddu: Oh, right. The pre-marital sex. Hey, have you seen my mom around?

Santuzza: Yeah, but I need to talk to you.

Turiddu: Not in front of the church. It might give people the wrong idea.

The Audience: Like the idea that you're an asshole?

Turiddu: More or less. Anyway, I'm gonna go –

Santuzza: Where have you been?

Turiddu: I was buying wine in Francofonte.

Santuzza: Bullshit. Half the town saw you creeping around Lola's house this morning.

Turiddu: HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME

Santuzza: YEAH MAYBE A LITTLE but this time it was actually Alfio who saw you.

Turiddu: Shiiiiit.

Santuzza: If you're going to be a two-timing dick, you could at least be more careful about it.

Turiddu: Shut up! Do you want to get me killed?

Santuzza: NO BECAUSE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU LOVE LOLA

Turiddu: Calm down. I don't love Lola; I love you!

Jerry Springer: Is that true? Let's find out! Come on out, Lola!

[Lola enters.]

The Audience: WOOOO

Santuzza: [expletive deleted]

Lola: DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME
DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME

Santuzza: [throws a chair]

The Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lola: Oh hey, Turiddu. Have you seen Alfio?

Turiddu: I dunno; I just got here.

Lola: Whatever; I'm sure he'll be here soon. [molto bitchy] Aren't you coming in, Santuzza?

Santuzza: People who have committed grievous sins aren't allowed in church.

Lola: [innocently] Well, I guess I should be glad that I'm not a skank like you!

Santuzza: Yeah, you're a fucking model of womanly virtue.

Turiddu: You know what? Your negativity is really bumming me out. Let's go, Lola.

Lola: No, thanks. You can stay out here and finish your conversation.

Turiddu: But –

Lola: Stay.

Turiddu: Yes, ma'am.

[Lola goes into church.]

Turiddu: GODDAMMIT SANTUZZA LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE

Santuzza: I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Turiddu: I DON'T CARE GET AWAY FROM ME

Santuzza: DON'T LEAVE ME

Turiddu: WATCH ME

[She tries to cling to him, but he shoves her away and runs into the church.]

Santuzza: I HOPE YOU HAVE... A BAD EASTER

The Orchestra: Dun DUN DUNNNNNNN

The Audience: … is that supposed to be some sort of grievous curse?

Mascagni: Of course. Everyone in the town is, like... super Catholic.

The Audience: It doesn't seem that terrible, though. “Have a bad Easter.” You might as well tell someone that you hope they overcook their dinner.

Mascagni: That would probably get you shot in some parts Sicily.

The Audience: … you people are weird.

[Alfio enters.]

Santuzza: ALFIO I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU

Alfio: How late am I for mass?

Santuzza: I'm pretty sure it's ending in five minutes. But what's important right now is that LOLA IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH TURIDDU

Alfio: whaaaaaaaaaaat

Santuzza: Whenever you leave town, they pretty much fuck like rabbits.

Alfio: GodDAMMIT

Santuzza: Right?

Alfio: If you're lying to me, I will rip your heart out and eat it.

The Audience: Whoa. Calm down there, khaleesi.

Santuzza: I'm not lying!

Alfio: Okay, I'll just take your word for it and not bother to verify your statements in any way.

The Audience: Don't worry. It's all true.

Alfio: TIME TO GET MY MURDER ON

Santuzza: … maybe telling you like this wasn't the best idea.

Alfio: WHERE'S MY STABBIN' KNIFE

[They exit. An orchestral intermezzo plays.]

The Orchestra: Listen to how beautiful and melodic this is! There's no way this is all going to end in tragedy!

The Audience: Bullshit.

The Orchestra: Yeah, we're just fucking with you. Shit's about to get real.

[The mass ends and the chorus re-enters with Turiddu and Lola.]

The Chorus: Now that mass is over, let's go home to our families!

Turiddu: How about you, Lola?

Lola: I have to go home, too. I still haven't found Alfio!

Turiddu: Meh. He'll get here eventually. HEY EVERYONE LET'S GET DRUNK

The Chorus: That sounds way better than Easter dinner with our loved ones!

Turiddu: TRA LA LA WINE IS AWESOME BECAUSE IT REMOVES OUR INHIBITIONS AND MAKES GETTING LUCKY THAT MUCH EASIER

The Audience: You're gross and we hate you.

[Turiddu and Lola toast to each other.]

Turiddu: To your love life!

Lola: To your enormous... health. Ahem. To your health.

The Chorus: WOOOO WE LOVE BOOZE

[Everyone drinks. Alfio enters, looking pissed off.]

The Chorus: HI ALFIO

Alfio: Fuck off.

Turiddu: HEY ALFIO COME DRINK WITH US

Alfio: Actually, I'd rather drink poison. Or, you know. Kill you.

Turiddu: BRING IT

Lola: shit shit shit

Chorus Women: We're outta here.

[They exit with Lola.]

Turiddu: So when do you want to do this?

Alfio: Right now.

Turiddu: Fine.

[Turiddu embraces Alfio and bites part of his ear off.]

The Audience: JESUS CHRIST ALFIO JUST GOT MIKE TYSON'D

Mascagni: It's how Sicilians accept challenges.

The Audience: We think you're full of shit. You're not even from Sicily.

Alfio: Looks like we understand one another. I'll wait for you outside.

Turiddu: Just so you know, I'm sorry for screwing your wife and stuff – I'd totally commit suicide to right the wrong I've caused you, but I kinda promised to marry Santuzza and if I die then no one will want her because I took her virginity. Sooooooo I guess I'm gonna have to kill you!

The Audience: If you actually gave a shit about Santuzza's future, maybe you shouldn't have slept with her in the first place.

Alfio: And you also shouldn't have cuckolded me, so you can pretty much eat a whole bag of dicks.

[Alfio leaves with the chorus men. Mama Lucia enters.]

Turiddu: Hey, mom. I just have to go out into the fields for a few minutes, but if I don't come back for some completely unexpected reason, could you promise to take care of Santuzza for me?

Mama Lucia: Uh... what's going on?

Turiddu: Oh, nothing. I'm pretty sure it's just the wine talking.

Mama Lucia: Oh, okay.

Turiddu: Now that I think about it, though, I probably should have waited until I sobered up before agreeing to fight Alfio to the death.

Mama Lucia: Wait, what?

Turiddu: Gottagobye!

[He runs out.]

Mama Lucia: TURIDDU MARCO CAZZONE YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

[Santuzza enters and embraces Mama Lucia. A scream is heard in the distance.]

Offstage Voice: OH GOD TURIDDU'S DEAD

[The chorus enters, looking shell-shocked. Santuzza and Mama Lucia begin to weep.]

The Chorus: OH NOOOOOO

The Audience: Good fucking riddance. That guy was an asshole.

[Santuzza and Mama Lucia glare at the audience.]

The Audience: … too soon?

[End of the opera.]