tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90923744560695759162024-02-20T22:08:26.298-05:00OperagasmicBecause you can't spell "PROFANE" without "OPERA"Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-25735462083969496582017-01-01T08:42:00.000-05:002017-01-01T08:42:52.622-05:00Tosca, Act IIPrevious installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/10/tosca-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a><br />
<br />
<i><b>Act II:</b> Scarpia's private chambers on an upper floor of the Palazzo Farnese. Scarpia is sitting at the table and eating dinner, waiting impatiently for something to happen. It feels like he's been waiting forever, really. Well, maybe not exactly forever; maybe just a little over three years. And maybe you're about to say that I make a version of this joke every goddamn time I go a long time between posts but FUCK YOU MAYBE I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN A WHILE AND MAYBE I'M A LITTLE BIT RUSTY, OKAY.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Readers:</b> Jesus. Someone's feeling insecure.
<br />
<br />
<i>[I have no idea what you mean. And also shut up.]</i>
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> You know what this opera needs? A good falconry metaphor.
<br />
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<b>The Audience:</b> Those are hard to come by these days. Proceed!
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> So Tosca is like a falcon and my men are like dogs and by now she should have led them to wherever Cavaradossi is hiding Angelotti! I don't really know what animals those two would be in this metaphor, though. Rabbits? Foxes?
<br />
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<b>The Audience:</b> Ummmm actually that's technically a simile and not a metaphor because you said "like".
<br />
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Ummmm actually I could have you all LITERALLY KILLED so sure, keep talking back. See how that works out for you.
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<b>The Audience:</b> ...
<br />
<br />
<b>Crickets:</b> <i>[chirp chirp]</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Damn straight.
<br />
<br />
<i>[He rings a bell. Sciarrone comes running like his life depends on it, because let's face it — it probably does.]</i>
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Has Tosca arrived to sing for the cantata yet?
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<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> We've sent someone to look for her.
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<br />
<i>[At Scarpia's order, Sciarrone opens the window. Music can be heard from the courtyard below.]</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Well, the orchestra is still killing time, so she's obviously not here yet. <i>[He scribbles a note.]</i> Wait for her at the entrance and give her this when she arrives.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Sciarrone takes the note and leaves. Scarpia sits back down at the dinner table and sings about his lust, and you just KNOW that under the table he's jerking himself into a murder-frenzy.]</i>
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<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> oh god no
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<b>Scarpia:</b> oh god YES
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<b>My Parents:</b> <i>[are incredibly disappointed that their son has grown into such a crass human being]</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b> I can't wait to bargain the painter's life for sex with his girlfriend! I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. It's like a magnet. And when you're a baron, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.
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<b>The Entire Internet:</b> TOO SOON
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Anyway, I like my women like I like my wine: strong, full-bodied, and locked in a cellar with lots of others so I can choose one according to my mood.
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<b>The Audience:</b> You are the actual worst.
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<br />
<i>[Sciarrone enters.]</i>
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<b>Sciarrone:</b> Sir, I — oh. Oh god. Oh no.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING
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<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[averting his eyes]</i> Yeah, I'm just gonna give you a couple minutes to finish up and also I need to binge-drink until the past thirty seconds are erased from my brain forever.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> No need to leave; you ruined it anyway.
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<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[shudder]</i>
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> You were saying something?
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<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> Right. Uhhh. Spoletta is back. Thought you should know.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Excellent! Send him in.
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<br />
<i>[Sciarrone opens the door and lets Spoletta in.]</i>
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<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[whispering]</i> I hope you've got good news, man. I just cock-blocked the boss.
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<b>Spoletta:</b> Fuuuuuuck.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Spoletta! How was the stalking?
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<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> It went really well in the sense that I followed Tosca to Cavaradossi's secret love-shack and burst in as soon as she left and searched the whole place...
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Awesome! So where's our escaped convict?
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<b>Spoletta:</b> ... buuuuuuut it went somewhat <i>less</i> well in the sense that Angelotti was nowhere to be found.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> YOU SHIT-EATING SNAKE-SNOUTED MOTHERFUCKER I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU
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<b>Spoletta:</b> JESUS CHRIST CALM DOWN I ALSO ARRESTED THE PAINTER BECAUSE HE WAS BEING HELLA SMUG AND OBVIOUSLY KNEW WHERE ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Oh. Good. Send him in, then. <i>[to Sciarrone]</i> And you — go fetch the torture guy. And probably the judge too, I guess.
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<b>The Audience:</b> Right, because you give so many shits about due process.
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<br />
<i>[The flunkies leave and return a moment later with Cavaradossi, the judge, and the torture guy.]</i>
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<br />
<b>Torture Guy:</b> I have a name, you know.
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<b>The Audience:</b> Do you have any lines?
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<br />
<b>Torture Guy:</b> No, but —
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> And do you do any actual onstage torturing?
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<b>Torture Guy:</b> <i>No,</i> but —
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Then yeah, we really don't care.
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<b>Torture Guy:</b> <i>[mumbling sadly]</i> ... but my name's Roberti.
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<b>The Audience:</b> We can't hear you byyyyyyyyyye
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Could you tell your goons to be more careful? I have delicate painter-hands and I need them in working order.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Don't push your luck, pretty-boy. Sit down.
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I think I'd rather stand.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Don't be a dick, man. I'm trying to give this whole ugly affair a veneer of respectability, okay? So just. Sit. Down.
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> No thanks, I'm good.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> SIT THE FUCK DOWN
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I DON'T WANNA
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<b>Scarpia:</b> FINE BUT THE CHAIRS ARE SUPER CUSHY SO IT'S YOUR LOSS
<br />
<br />
<i>[From the courtyard, Tosca can be heard singing the cantata.]</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b> So, are you aware —
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> SHHH I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY GIRLFRIEND
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<b>Scarpia:</b> You haven't yet realized how thoroughly fucked you are, have you.
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> What was that?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Oh, nothing. Just clearing my throat. Aaaaanyway, did you know about the prison break yesterday?
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> This is the first time I'm hearing about it! I didn't even know there was a prison nearby!
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Really? Because I have men who say you sheltered and fed the escaped prisoner and took him to your country house.
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> And who's saying that, exactly?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>Top.</i> Men.
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Look, these charges are bullshit and your spies didn't find anything when they searched my house.
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> That just proves you're really good at hiding people.
<br />
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> What? That's not how evidence works.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> But that <i>is</i> how brutal authoritarian rule works. Guess which one is more important right now!
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<b>Spoletta:</b> ALSO HE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS QUESTIONING HIM
<br />
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<b>Scarpia:</b> See? More evidence you're lying.
<br />
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<b>Spoletta:</b> It's not really evidence; it just hurt my feelings.
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[laughing]</i> I don't give two shits about your feelings, you jack-booted thug!
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Stop laughing! <i>[menacingly]</i> This is a place for tears.
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<b>Spoletta:</b> <i>[sniffling]</i> Well, it is <i>now.</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b> WHERE IS ANGELOTTI
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I DON'T KNOW
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<b>Scarpia:</b> DID YOU GIVE HIM FOOD
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I SURE DIDN'T
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<b>Scarpia:</b> DID YOU TAKE HIM TO YOUR LOVE SHACK
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I DEFINITELY DID NOT TAKE HIM TO THE PALAZZO DI CAZZO
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<b>Scarpia:</b> DID YOU — wait, is that seriously what you call it?
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> ... it was Tosca's idea.
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<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Sure it was.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Okay but let's be real for a second. I'm about to torture the ever-loving fuck out of you, so this would be a great time to confess and save yourself a butt-load of pain.
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<b>The Audience:</b> Uhhh... does he mean "butt-load" in a colloquial sense, or is that something we should be taking literally?
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<b>Torture Guy:</b> Oh, I <i>would</i> tell you, but you guys are dicks.
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<b>The Audience:</b> Boooo.
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> So is there anything you'd like to share with me?
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Nope.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Nothing at all?
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Noooooooope.
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<b>Spoletta:</b> JUST TORTURE HIM ALREADY HE'S SUCH A JERK
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<br />
<i>[Tosca rushes in and embraces Cavaradossi.]</i>
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Ugh, <i>finally</i>. I thought that cantata was never gonna end.
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> MARIO WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU ARRESTED
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[whispering to her]</i> Don't say shit about what you saw at the Palazzo di Cazzo or they'll kill my friend and execute me for treason.
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<b>Tosca:</b> <i>[whispering back]</i> Okay, but can we stop calling it that? It's kinda gross.
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<b>The Audience:</b> HAAAAA WE KNEW YOU WERE LYING
<br />
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Yeah, I'm not a great liar. Or actor, for that matter.
<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Foreshadowing!
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<b>The Audience:</b> Go away.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> MARIO CAVARADOSSI NOW THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS HERE YOU CAN BEGIN YOUR TESTIMONY UNDER EXTREME DURESS
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<br />
<i>[Sciarrone opens a door, revealing Scarpia's hidden torture chamber. Cavaradossi is dragged inside, followed by Sciarrone, the judge, and Roberti the Torture Guy. Spoletta shuts the door behind them and stands guard.]</i>
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<b>Scarpia:</b><i> [to Tosca] </I>And now that that's out of the way, we can have a nice little chat like best girlfriends! You know, just drink skim lattes and gab about boys and whether or not those boys are secretly harboring fugitives from justice!
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> That seems awfully specific.
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Is that not a common topic of conversation? Huh. On another note entirely and for no reason whatsoever, how did it go earlier when you stormed off to find Cavaradossi? Did you find him with the Marchesa Attavanti, or maybe with anyone else who shares her name and bloodline?
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Nope. He was alone.
<br />
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Are you sure?
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<b>Tosca:</b> Positive. Turns out I was just being crazy and jealous!
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Don't forget easily manipulated!
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Yeah, well, you're never gonna manipulate me again.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> It's adorable that you think that.
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> I mean it. You're not getting anything out of me.
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> If you want your boyfriend back in one piece, you might want to rethink that last statement.
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM IN THERE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU <i>THINK</i> THEY'RE DOING TO HIM IN THERE
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> They're not playing backgammon, that's for damn sure.
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<br />
<b>Torture Guy:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> Yeah — we're playing Trivial Pursuit!
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> SOMEONE HELP ME I KEEP LANDING ON SPORTS AND LEISURE
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<b>Tosca:</b> NOOOO THAT'S THE WORST CATEGORY
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<b>Scarpia:</b> TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR THEY'LL MAKE HIM PLAY MONOPOLY NEXT
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<b>Tosca:</b> SWEET JESUS THAT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER
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<b>Scarpia:</b> AND THEY WON'T EVEN LET HIM HAVE ONE OF THE COOL PIECES — HE'LL HAVE TO BE THE THIMBLE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT
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<b>Tosca:</b> I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW JUST MAKE IT STOP
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<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[calling through the door]</i> SCIARRONE STOP
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<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[poking his head out]</i> But I was just about to get the blue wedge!
<br />
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Am I having a stroke, or did you just talk back to me?
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<br />
<i>[Sciarrone whimpers and goes back inside.]</i>
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<b>Tosca:</b> Can I see him?
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<b>Scarpia:</b> No. Tell me what I want to know.
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<b>Tosca:</b> MARIO ARE YOU OKAY
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> YEAH AND I CAN HANDLE THE SHITTY BOARD GAMES FOR A WHILE SO KEEP YOUR GIANT DIVA MOUTH SHUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
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<b>Tosca:</b> Rude. <i>[turning back to Scarpia]</i> I don't know anything. So there.
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Fine, have it your way. START TORTURING HIM AGAIN
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<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> yaaaaay blue wedge
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> HOW COULD YOU DO THIS YOU MONSTER
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> They can stop any time you want, you know. All you have to do is betray your principles and your lover!
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<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Oh, is <i>that</i> all.
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<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> But I don't knoooowwwww anythiiiiiiiiiing
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Christ, you're like a broken record. SCIARRONE OPEN THE DOOR SO SHE CAN HEAR HIS TORMENT BETTER
<br />
<br />
<i>[Sciarrone complies.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Torture Guy:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> What was the exact weight in centigrams of the first person ever to win a silver medal at the Olympics?
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> HOW WOULD ANYONE EVER KNOW THAT
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> <i>[incoherent sobbing]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> FUCK THIS GAME AND FUCK YOU TOO I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> SCARPIAAAA HE KICKED OVER THE BOARD AND NOW THERE ARE PIECES EVERYWHERE
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<b>Scarpia:</b> Oh, for the love of — JUST PUT HIM IN THE BRAIN-STABBY-DOOHICKEY ALREADY
<br />
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> DO YOUR WORST YOU FASCIST SCUM I'M SURE I CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU — <i>OH SWEET MERCIFUL </i>CHRIST<i> THAT HURTS BAD</i>
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<b>Tosca:</b> NOOOOO okay fine Angelotti is hiding in the well in the garden.
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<b>Scarpia:</b> It took you long enough. ROBERTI YOU CAN STOP NOW
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<br />
<b>Torture Guy:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> Aw, it was just getting fun.
<br />
<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> <i>[opening the door again]</i> Only thirty seconds of actual torture and he's already passed out. What a wuss.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Let me see him!
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<br />
<i>[At an order from Scarpia, Cavaradossi is dragged in and deposited at Tosca's feet. Sciarrone, the judge, and Torture Guy all leave, but Spoletta stays behind.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> ewwwwwww he's all bloody and gross now
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<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[regaining consciousness]</i> ... Tosca? Is that you? Please hold me; I need to be comforted.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> I love you and everything but this dress is <i>hella</i> expensive and I don't want to ruin it.
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<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[coughing up blood]</i> Fair enough. You didn't tell them anything, though, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Of course not! That would have been really shitty and I would never, ever —
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<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> HEY SPOLETTA REMEMBER WHEN TOSCA TOLD US THAT ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING IN THE WELL
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<b>Spoletta:</b> I SURE DO AND NOW I'M GONNA GO ARREST HIM
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<br />
<i>[He runs out.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> ... god<i>dammit</i>.
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> WHAT THE HELL TOSCA WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM TORTURE
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THEY STARTED STABBING ME WITH POINTY OBJECTS
<br />
<br />
<i>[Sciarrone rushes in.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> YOUR EXCELLENCY THERE'S SOME TERRIBLE NEWS REGARDING OUR STUNNING VICTORY AT MARENGO
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> What about it?
<br />
<br />
<b>Sciarrone:</b> TURNS OUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A STUNNING DEFEAT AND BONAPARTE KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF MELAS
<br />
<br />
<i>[The news sends Scarpia into a rage and turns Cavaradossi into the Kool-Aid Man.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> <i>[jumping up]</i> OH YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> <i>[tugging on his sleeve]</i> Hey, Mario, maaaaaybe it's not the best time for —
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> FUCK YOU SCARPIA YOU UTTER SHITBAG YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> — doing exactly what you just did. You know this guy still controls whether you live or die, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> RAISE A GLASS TO FREEDOM
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> aaaaayyyyyyyyy
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Something you will never see again... <i>[indicating Tosca]</i> ... no matter what she tells you.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Yeah, there was no way this script wasn't going to include a Hamilton reference. You all really should have seen that coming.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Well, now that that little outburst is finished, I can have you officially arrested and executed as an enemy of the state. Thanks for making my job easier!
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> But... but... freedom!
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Look out the window. Do you see Napoleon's army here to rescue you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> No... ?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Then I can still do <i>whatever the fuck I want</i>, and that includes hanging you. In short: ARRIVEDERCI, FELICIA
<br />
<br />
<i>[Cavaradossi is dragged away. Tosca goes to follow, but Scarpia cuts her off.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Not you. You get to watch me eat my dinner.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> You have to saaaaave hiiiiiiim
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>I</i> don't have to do shit. <i>You</i>, on the other hand... <i>[He sits back down at the table and resumes eating.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Fine. How much money do you want?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> That's adorable. <i>[gesturing at their surroundings]</i> Does it <i>look</i> like I need money?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Well, what do you want instead?
<br />
<br />
<i>[Scarpia wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Oh, for fuck's sake.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> I mean, I always knew you were a fox. But seeing you tonight, full of anguish for your lover and utter hatred for me? Turns out that reeeeeally gets me going.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Just so we're on the same page, I would literally rather jump out this window —
<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> <i>Also</i> foreshadowing!
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> — and plummet to my certain death than have sex with you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> God, I love it when you talk dirty.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> That's not — we're not gonna — GAHHH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Because you're a strong, outspoken woman and I feel entitled to violate your body so I can claim some sort of sick ownership of you, thereby stripping you of your agency? And I'm also utterly undeterred — nay, even <i>encouraged</i> — by your lack of consent?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
<br />
<br />
<b>Women in the Audience:</b> Oh, honey. On the internet, we call that a Tuesday.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Christ. Really?
<br />
<br />
<b>Women in the Audience:</b> And also Wednesday. And Thursday. And most other days.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> So what's it gonna be, Sugar-tits?
<br />
<br />
<i>[He advances on her and she retreats behind the couch.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> I CAN'T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR SPASMS OF PASSION OR HATRED OR EPILEPSY OR WHATEVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> YOU ARE THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> WELL THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER ALSO HAS THE POWER TO STOP YOUR LOVER'S HANGING SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OVER IT
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tosca collapses on the couch in despair.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> DEAR JESUS WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME I'M JUST AN ARTIST AND I'VE NEVER HURT ANYONE EVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Jesus:</b> <i>[from Heaven]</i> Welllllll the script for Act I heavily implied you're the earthly vessel for some kind of Lovecraftian hellbeast, and I'm not down with tentacled horrors from dimensions unknown.
<br />
<br />
<b>Cthulhu:</b> <i>[from the nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh]</i> IS THAT WHY YOU HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST
<br />
<br />
<b>Jesus:</b> In a word: yes.
<br />
<br />
<b>Cthulhu:</b> WELL FHTAGN YOU AND FHTAGN YOUR MOTHER TOO
<br />
<br />
<b>Jesus:</b> YOU LEAVE MARY OUT OF THIS
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Uhhhh... that was weird. <i>[to Scarpia]</i> Look, I'm begging you. Don't make me do this.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> I'm not asking that much — a long, happy life with Cavaradossi in exchange for an instant with me.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> An instant? Really?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> IT'S A MORE COMMON PROBLEM THAN YOU MIGHT THINK AND ALSO SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<i>[Spoletta rushes in.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Good <i>God</i>, I need to put a lock on that door.
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> Sooooooo we found Angelotti but he committed suicide before we could capture him.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Well, just hang his corpse from the scaffold. And is everything ready for Cavaradossi?
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> It sure is! We've even rigged it to make sure his neck won't snap from the drop, so he'll just have a slow, painful death by strangling!
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> fuuuuuuuck
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Great! Then I'll let you go and execute him in five... four... three... two...
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> OKAY FINE I'LL DO IT
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[unbuttoning his pants]</i> Awwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Not yet. First, you let Mario go.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Hold on now; I can't just go around pardoning people willy-nilly.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> What happened to being able to do whatever the fuck you want?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Hush. Just to keep up appearances, we'll have to stage a fake execution. <i>[to Spoletta]</i> Remember how we did that fake firing squad for Count Palmieri? Do it like that.
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> Palmieri? Pretty sure we actually shot that guy.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[gritting his teeth]</i> No, you must be thinking of that guy <i>Fieri</i>, because we <i>definitely let Palmieri go</i>, alive and un-bullet-riddled.
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> No, I <i>distinctly</i> remember that we drowned Fieri in his own terrible sauce as an ironic punishment. Palmieri was the one we shot —
<br />
<br />
<i>[He sees Scarpia making wild "shut up, you jackass" gestures at him from behind Tosca's back.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> — with fake bullets at a fake execution because the whole thing was fake. I remember now!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Smooth.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> So now that that's settled, you should probably go make the arrangements.
<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> That sounds like a great idea! I'm gonna leave before I say anything else incriminating.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> What?
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[pushing Spoletta out the door]</i> Nothing! He said nothing. <i>[dropping his pants]</i> So about that hate-sex...
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Not so fast! I need official, written assurance that Mario and I will be able to leave the country unmolested.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Uh... phrasing.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Is my word not good enough?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Yeah, I just don't trust you for some reason. Maybe it's the secret police. Or the torture. Or the sexual blackmail.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> That's fair. <i>[sitting down at his writing desk]</i> Which route do you want to take?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> The shortest.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Civitavecchia it is!
<br />
<br />
<i>[He starts to write while Tosca looks on in shame and disgust.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[humming to himself]</i> doot doot de doo, gonna go down to Bone Town once this letter is finiiiiished
<br />
<br />
<i>[While Scarpia is distracted, Tosca notices a knife on the dinner table. She sidles over, picks it up, and hides it behind her back.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> Aaaaaaaand done! <i>[getting up]</i> Allow me to slip into something a little more comfortable.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> ... you mean my vagina, don't you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> I sure do! YOU'RE MINE AT LAST
<br />
<br />
<i>[He rushes toward her and she stabs him right in the fucking chest.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> LOL NOPE
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SOMEONE HELP ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> ARE YOU DROWNING IN YOUR OWN BLOOD YET YOU SON OF A BITCH
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> help... me...
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> SAY MY NAME MOTHERFUCKER
<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[gurgling sounds]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Holy shit. This opera is metal as fuck.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> YEAH YOU DON'T FUCK WITH FLORIA TOSCA BECAUSE — because... you.....
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tosca's eyes turn completely black. Her jaw opens wide — far too wide for a human — and what Scarpia sees lurking inside her body is too horrific to comprehend. What remains of his mind is irreparably shattered. The creature feeds on his madness, leaving his rapidly exsanguinating body little more than a withered husk. When death finally overtakes him, it is a merciful release.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS
<br />
<br />
<i>[But wouldn't it be awesome if it did?]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> No. Now tell it <i>right</i>, goddammit.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Fiiiiiine.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> <i>[standing over Scarpia's corpse]</i> I can't believe everyone was so afraid of this ass-clown. All it took to kill him was one teensy little stab in the heart!
<br />
<br />
<i>[She pries the letter of safe passage from Scarpia's cold, dead fingers.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Hey, didn't you make a big deal in Act I about being super religious?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Yeah? So?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> ... thou shalt not kill?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Shiiiiiiiit
<br />
<br />
<i><b>[End of Act II.]</b></i>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-44317250947704347682013-10-24T14:06:00.003-04:002016-12-12T18:08:29.680-05:00Tosca, Act I<b>Tosca</b><br />
A series of unfortunate events in three acts<br />
<b> </b><br />
<i>Music: </i>Giacomo Puccini<br />
<i>Libretto:</i> Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa<br />
<br />
<i>[<b>Act I: </b>Due to certain important historical events that take place during the story, this opera has a very specific setting (Rome, a couple days after June 14th, 1800) </i><i>– but if you think that detail stops people from attempting to update the opera, <a href="http://midoba.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/061.jpg" target="_blank">you're wrong</a>.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Everyone Ever: </b>That's... really weird.<br />
<br />
<b>Administrators of the Bregenzer Festspiele: </b>YEAH WELL WE WERE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE SO SUCK IT<i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>[The curtain opens on the interior of Sant'Andrea del Valle, a church in Rome. On one side of the stage, a large painter's scaffold stands beneath a covered painting; on the other, there is a locked gate leading into the Attavanti chapel. There's also a statue of the Virgin Mary near the chapel entrance, which you wouldn't think would be a plot point but it kinda is. Enter Angelotti, a political dissident who has just escaped from prison.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Thank god I'm finally here! I was afraid that everyone I passed on the street was an undercover cop.<br />
<br />
<b>Javert:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>Wrong country, decade, and art form. Get out.<br />
<br />
<i>[Angelotti runs over to the statue of Mary, examining it closely and mumbling to himself like the type of crazy vagrant he so strongly resembles.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Oh, come on. My sister said it would be right over here – ah!<br />
<br />
<i>[He discovers a key hidden near the statue, which he promptly uses to open the chapel gate. He retreats inside just as the sacristan enters, carrying a bunch of paintbrushes.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>grumble grumble stupid artists and their stupid paints getting all over my robes – <br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>[He looks around.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Signor Cavaradossi?<i> </i>... Huh. I could have sworn I heard him in here.<br />
<br />
<i>[One of the church bells chimes the Angelus, and the sacristan kneels to pray.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary, and he was all like, "Hey girl haaaaay you're holy and you're going to bear the son of God," and she was all like, "That sounds pretty cool." And thus the Word of God was made flesh and came to dwell among us. Amen.<br />
<br />
<i>[Enter Mario Cavaradossi, painter and tenor extraordinaire.]</i><i></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>The fuck are you doing?<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>I'm praying the Angelus, you miserable heathen.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>[Cavaradossi climbs the scaffold and removes the cover from his painting. It's a foxy blonde woman.]</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Sacristan: </b>Wait, who is that?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>It's Mary Magdalene.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Well, it looks suspiciously like the woman who's been praying near the statue of the Madonna every day for the past week.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Yeah... she was pretty hot, so I painted her while she wasn't paying attention.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>That's kinda sketchy.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Just shut up and give me my paints.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>grumble grumble godless pervert<br />
<br />
<i>[Cavaradossi resumes painting for about a minute before stopping to take out a picture of his girlfriend and stare at it lovingly.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Is he getting paid by the hour?<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>He wishes.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>It's funny how people can look so different from each other! My girlfriend, the famous singer Floria Tosca –<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Name-dropper.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>– has dark hair, but the woman I've been painting has <i>blonde</i> hair!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Yeah, people can have different hair colors. You're not just noticing this now, are you?<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>But that's not all! The woman in the painting has blue eyes, but Tosca's eyes are black!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>... wait, her eyes are <i>black?</i><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Blacker than obsidian. Blacker than the nearly palpable darkness of a sealed tomb miles beneath the surface of the earth, in which slumbers an ancient, unspeakable horror. To gaze into her eyes is to taste madness. It is to be drawn into a twilit realm of gnawing fear and waking nightmare, from which there is no hope of escape.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>...<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>...<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>...<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>And she's got tits like you wouldn't fucking believe.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Of course she does.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>And even though I'm painting this random woman on a church wall without her knowledge or consent –<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>– which, we have to admit, is pretty creepy –<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>– I'm still only thinking of Tosca because we're SO IN LOVE<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>D'awwww.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>THE ONLY WOMAN DESERVING OF SUCH SINGLE-MINDED ADORATION IS THE VIRGIN MARY BECAUSE SHE BECAME A MOTHER (which is, of course, a woman's highest calling) WITHOUT EVER DEBASING HERSELF BY ENGAGING IN <i>THE SEX</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>You're a bit of an extremist, aren't you.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>No, that's more or less the church's official position.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> And that's why I'm an agnostic! Among other reasons.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Shut it. Since you're clearly too busy thinking lustful thoughts to <i>do your damn job</i>, can I leave?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Please do.<br />
<br />
<i>[As the sacristan is leaving, he notices Cavaradossi's basket of food on the scaffold.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan:</b> Are you fasting or something?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>I'm just not hungry.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Pity. Your flesh could use a little mortification.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>JUST GO ALREADY<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Fine. Lock up when you leave.<br />
<br />
<i>[He exits. Cavaradossi resumes painting. Angelotti, assuming that the church is empty again, emerges from the chapel. Cavaradossi hears the gate creak and looks up.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>WHO'S THERE<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>[Angelotti looks terrified for a moment, but then he recognizes Cavaradossi.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Thank god it's you! You have to help me!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Sorry, man; I don't have any spare change.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>I'M NOT A HOBO YOU ASSHOLE<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[recognizing him]</i> ... Angelotti? Weren't you in prison?<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Yeah, I just broke out of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Can you help me out?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Sure, I –<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[offstage]</i> MARIO<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Fuuuck. It's my crazy-jealous girlfriend. <i>[to Angelotti]</i> You'd better hide again.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Crazy-jealous, huh. Weren't you babbling about how much you loved her two minutes ago?<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> This is opera. Insane jealousy <i>is</i> love.<br />
<br />
<i>[Somewhere in a drafty Parisian attic, Mimi and Rodolfo high-five.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[offstage]</i> MARIO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i><b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[calling back] </i>Right here, darling! <i>[to Angelotti]</i> Seriously, man, you need to get back in that chapel.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>BUT I'M HUNGRYYYYY<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[handing him the basket of food]</i> Here. Now shut up and go.<br />
<br />
<i>[Angelotti retreats into the chapel as Cavaradossi goes to let Tosca in.] </i><br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[offstage]</i> MARIO LUIGI CAVARADOSSI IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THIS <i>INSTANT</i> –<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[opening the door]</i> Hello to you too, darling.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> Why was the door locked and WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO JUST NOW AND <i>IS SHE PRETTIER AND/OR YOUNGER THAN I AM</i><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>The sacristan wanted it shut, I was talking to you, and you need to calm down because there's no one else here.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>NUH-UH I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE SO WHERE IS SHE<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>There's no other woman. Calm down.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>That is <i>exactly</i> what I'm saying. And also that I love you.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>For some reason.<br />
<br />
<i>[Cavaradossi attempts to give Tosca sloppy makeouts, but she pushes him away.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Not in front of the statue of Mary! I can feel her ever-watching eyes silently judging us!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Yeah, I've never really been a fan of T. J. Eckleburg's sculptures.<i> </i>There's always something weird and off-putting about them.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Hush, darling. I have to pray!<br />
<br />
<i>[She kneels in front of the statue of Mary and arranges some flowers around the base.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>That's not prayer; that's botany.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>YOU SHUT UP I'M THE BEST CATHOLIC EVER<i> [to Cavaradossi]</i> Sooo I'm singing in a concert tonight, but if you meet me backstage after I'm done, we can go to your villa and have passionate pre-marital sex!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Yup. Best Catholic <i>ever</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>I'M PIOUS AS SHIT SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Sorry, what were you saying about tonight?<i> </i> <br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>We're gonna go to your flowery little love-nest and bone in the light of the full moon!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[distracted]</i> Yeah, sure. That sounds fine.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>I'm overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>No, really. I'm excited and aroused and stuff.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca:</b> It's been so long since we enjoyed each other carnally in the sweet embrace of nature, with the moon and the stars and all sorts of nocturnal creatures watching us in the throes of passion and OH GOD I NEED IT SO BAD<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>... did it just get really hot in here?<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>I'm just sayin' – Tosca's got a fire in her loins that needs <i>you</i> to quench it.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>And Tosca apparently likes referring to herself in the third person.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Are you sure we can't just have a quickie here in the church?<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Of course not. That would be sinful.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>You really pick and choose with the sin stuff, don't you.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Well, fine. If we're not gonna bone yet, I need you to leave so I can get some work done.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Are you seriously kicking me out of church?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> I really need to finish this painting. The sacristan has been a passive-aggressive bitch to me all day.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Fine, I'll go. But can I see your painting first?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Sure!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>... this isn't going to go well, is it.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[looking at the painting]</i> WHO IS THAT AND WHY IS SHE SO BEAUTIFUL<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>It's supposed to be Mary Magdalene.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>NO SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR SOMEHOW<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Just one of those faces, I guess.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MARCHESA ATTAVANTI<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Well, technically...<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>I <i>KNEW</i> YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE JUST NOW YOU RAT BASTARD TELL ME WHERE SHE'S HIDING<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Whoa, girl; calm your exceptionally nice tits. She was here to pray and I painted her. That's all.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>... you promise?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>I promise.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[whining]</i> But now she's staring at meeeee and I don't like iiiiiiit<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>You are literally the craziest person I have ever met.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>But her eyes –<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>– are nowhere <i>near</i> as beautiful as yours. <i>[mesmerized] </i>Your black, shining eyes... filled with all the secrets of the nether-world... one could almost get lost in them forever...<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Jesus Christ, someone get the holy water.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[hugging Cavaradossi]</i> Aww, you say the sweetest things sometimes.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b><i>[waking from his trance]</i> What? I didn't say anything.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Okay, I guess I'll leave now. But can you do me a favor and paint her eyes black, like mine?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>You're crazy and jealous and apparently feel the need to interfere with my work, but I love you!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>That doesn't really answer her question.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>You would forgive me for my jealousy if you knew how it tormented me inside! Sometimes I get so upset that I black out and wake up hours later in a field – naked, covered in blood, and surrounded by eviscerated livestock!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>That might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Holy water. HOLY WATER.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>But it only happens because I just LOVE YOU SO MUCH<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>I LOVE YOU TOO<br />
<br />
<i>[They embrace.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>GODDAMMIT MARIO YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> Sorry. Can I finish painting now?<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Of course – just promise me that no women of any hair color whatsoever will come and pray here!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi:</b> That's not something I really have much control over, but... sure?<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Good. See you tonight!<br />
<br />
<i>[She starts to go.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Oh, and don't forget to paint her eyes black!<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>YES THANK YOU PLEASE LEAVE NOW<br />
<br />
<i>[They give each other a quick kiss and Tosca finally leaves. Once she's gone, Cavaradossi hurries over to the chapel and lets Angelotti out again.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Sorry about that.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>She seems a bit... clingy.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>You've got no idea. And she tells her priest <i>literally everything</i> in confession, so I thought it would be best to leave her in the dark about this.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Yeah, keeping secrets from your jealous and easily-angered girlfriend seems like the most logical course of action here.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Shut up. So what's your plan?<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Well, I either need to hide somewhere or to get out of Rome. My sister, the Marchesa Attavanti, left some women's clothes in the chapel so I could disguise myself.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Oh, so <i>that's</i> why she's been coming here so often.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Yuuup. She took a pretty big risk, helping me escape from Scarpia and all that.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Scarpia! That asshole of a baron who likes to torture men and seduce women!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>He's gonna be a baritone, isn't he.<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>How'd you guess?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>But seriously, you can't stay here until nighttime. There's a path behind the rectory that leads through some fields and straight to my villa – you can hide there. <i>[handing Angelotti a key]</i> This will get you inside, and I'll be there as soon as I can. If there's any trouble, you can hide in the well – there's a secret room about halfway down.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Awesome. <i>[fetching the dress from the chapel]</i> Should I wear this?<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>No need. The path is usually deserted at this time of day.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Aww, but I wanted to be pretty!<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Fiiiiine, you can play dress-up. But make it quick, okay? It probably won't be long before they discover that –<br />
<br />
<i>[A cannon sounds in the distance.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>– you've escaped. Fuuuuuck.<br />
<br />
<b>Angelotti: </b>Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the cannon at the prison.<br />
<br />
<b>Cavaradossi: </b>Okay, we need to get you out of here before Scarpia and his henchmen show up. I'll come along, just in case you run into any trouble!<br />
<br />
<i>[They rush out. The sacristan enters.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>HEY MISTER PAINTER I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>[He looks around and sees that he's alone.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Oh, for the love of – he's gone <i>again?</i> That painting's never gonna get finished. <i>[sighing]</i> And I wish I could see his face when he hears the news! After all, anyone who ruins a heathen's day is granted an indulgence!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Shouldn't you treat him with respect and love? You know, like Jesus would?<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>That sounds like filthy Protestant talk to me.<br />
<br />
<i>[Various priests, altar boys, and children's choir members enter in a hurry.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>WHAT'S GOING ON<i> </i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Wonderful news! Napoleon has just been defeated by the Austrian army!<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>WOW REALLY TELL US MORE<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>When they write about this war in history books, the Battle of Marengo will forever be remembered as the final defeat of that uppity Corsican scumbag!<br />
<br />
<b>Historians in the Audience: </b><i>[snicker]</i><b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>General Melas sent<i> </i>a messenger along with news of the battle! I mean, the battle wasn't technically over yet, but he was <i>completely sure</i> that the French army wouldn't <i>possibly</i> be able to turn their crushing defeat into a surprise victory!<br />
<br />
<b>Historians in the Audience: </b><i>[guffaw]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>And in celebration of this joyous occasion, we're going to be doing a full <i>Te deum</i> mass that starts in ten minutes, followed by a gala celebration at Palazzo Farnese and the premiere of a new cantata – presumably written in the past thirty minutes – starring Floria Tosca!<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>ooooooooh<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Now go get ready for the mass!<br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>The Chorus: </b>LOL NO IT'S PARTY TIME<br />
<br />
<i>[And then the children run around screaming about how excited they are.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>This is an entirely accurate depiction of how children behave in large groups.<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Thanks!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>That wasn't a compliment.<br />
<br />
<i>[The craziness continues until Scarpia enters, followed by several flunkies. Let's do a roll call!]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta: </b>I'm Spoletta, Scarpia's right-hand man!<br />
<br />
<b>Sciarrone: </b>And I'm Sciarrone, Scarpia's left-hand man!<br />
<br />
<b>Javert: </b>AND I'M JAVERT – DO NOT FORGET MY NAME<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta and Sciarrone: </b>STOP FOLLOWING US<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>WOOOO WE'RE SO EXCITED AND STUFF<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS A CHURCH FOR FUCK'S SAKE<br />
<br />
<i>[Everyone cowers.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Um... sorry. We're just really excited about the great news and stuff...<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Everyone get out. Start preparing for the mass.<br />
<br />
<i>[The chorus departs quickly, and the sacristan prepares to leave as well.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Except you.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b><i>[whimpers]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b><i>[to Spoletta]</i> Search every corner. There has to be evidence somewhere.<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta:</b> Yes, sir!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b><i>[to Sciarrone and the others] </i>Keep watch at the doors, but don't make it too obvious.<br />
<br />
<b>Sciarrone and the others: </b>Yes, sir!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b><i>[to the sacristan]</i> And you're going to answer my questions – but I want you to know in advance that this is a matter of national security. I will <i>literally</i> feed you your own entrails if you lie to me.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>... yes, sir.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>A prisoner just escaped from the Castel Sant'Angelo, and we have reason to believe he hid here. Where is the Attavanti chapel?<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b><i>[pointing]</i> Over there! And the gate's open!<br />
<br />
<i>[They go inside. Scarpia returns, holding a fan.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>I'll have to find the jackass who fired off that cannon and torture him to death. Angelotti was here, but he must have known we were coming and run away.<i> </i>He must have had some help... but from whom?<br />
<br />
<i>[He paces, tapping the fan against his hand.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Maybe from whoever left that fan in the chapel... ?<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Oh, don't be ridiculous. This clearly belonged to Angelotti.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>But... that's a lady's fan.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>His predilection for dressing in women's clothing is widely known – and it's at least half the reason we arrested him in the first place.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>It looks like there's a family crest on it.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b><i>[looking closer]</i> HOLY CRAP THERE IS<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>The world's greatest detective. Move over, Batman.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>This belongs to the Marchesa Attavanti! <i>[noticing the painting]</i> And there she is! Thank god no one painted her eyes black, or I wouldn't have recognized her! <i>[to the sacristan]</i> Who painted that portrait?<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan:</b> Mario Cavaradossi.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Tosca's boyfriend? This might be an excellent opportunity to blackmail her into sleeping with me.<br />
<br />
<i>[One of the policemen comes out of the chapel, carrying Cavaradossi's empty food basket.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>The basket! It's empty!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>So?<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>There was food in it for Cavaradossi, but it was full the last time I saw him!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Yeah, the funny thing about food is that it tends to disappear when people eat it.<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan:</b> But he said he wasn't hungry – and he didn't have a key to the chapel, either!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Well, I guess I'll just have to arrest this guy and bang his girlfriend. Work, work, work.<br />
<br />
<i>[Tosca enters.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Speak of the devil! <i>[stepping out of sight]</i> I guess it's time to start Operation<i> </i>Manipulate a Jealous Girlfriend Into Helping Me Arrest Her Lover!<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>MARIO WHERE ARE YOU<br />
<br />
<b>Sacristan: </b>Who the hell knows? He just vanished, probably with the help of some heathen black magic.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>What? You're crazy.<br />
<br />
<i>[The sacristan exits. Scarpia steps out of his hiding place, dips his hand into the holy water basin, and offers some to Tosca.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Care to bless yourself, my lady?<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Tosca: </b>Thank you! That's not remotely sketchy behavior at all!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>It's nice to see someone like you coming to church with entirely pure intentions. Not like some other sluts I could mention.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b><i>[eyes narrowing]</i> What do you mean?<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Well, there's a woman – who looks <i>remarkably</i> like the one in that painting, by the way – who's been coming her every day to meet her lover. <i>[holds up the fan]</i> She even left this among his paintbrushes!<br />
<br />
<i>[Tosca grabs the fan and notices the crest.]</i> <br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ATTAVANTI WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>OH NO IS CAVARADOSSI YOUR BOYFRIEND I HAD NO IDEA THIS MUST BE SO UPSETTING FOR YOU<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I COULDN'T GO TO HIS LOVE-SHACK TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ATTEND THE ROYAL GALA BUT I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY BONING SOME PRETTY BLONDE BITCH<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> <i>[to himself]</i> This is way easier than anticipated. It's like taking candy from a fish, or shooting babies in a barrel, or however those sayings go.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia:</b> I'm sorry to see you're so upset – is there <i>anything</i> I can do comfort you?<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>You are such a sleaze.<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Yuuuuuuuup.<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>HOW DARE HE TURN OUR SPECIAL PLACE INTO A SEEDY BROTHEL<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>YEAH THAT'S TERRIBLE I THINK YOU SHOULD GO THERE RIGHT NOW AND FIND HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM<br />
<br />
<b>Tosca: </b>YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING MANIPULATED RIGHT NOW<br />
<br />
<i>[Tosca runs out. Scarpia signals for Spoletta to come over, and people begin filing into church.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Follow her. She'll lead you straight to Cavaradossi and Angelotti.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Spoletta: </b><i>[in a singsong voice]</i> Weeeeee're following the diva, the diva, the diva –<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>Shut up. Meet me in my quarters at the Palazzo Farnese when you've found them.<br />
<br />
<b>Spoletta: </b>Yes, sir.<br />
<br />
<i>[Spoletta exits.</i> <i>The mass begins, and the procession of</i><i> cardinals, priests, and altar boys passes behind Scarpia.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> You know, I'm a little concerned that Scarpia isn't villainous enough.<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Maybe you could give him a gloating monologue while the <i>Te deum</i> goes on in the background.<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>You think?<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Oh, yeah. The juxtaposition of sacred and profane actions will make him seem so much more evil than he would on his own!<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini:</b> ... you may have a point.<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>OH GOD YOU CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>GO, TOSCA – FEEL MY VENOM PENETRATE YOUR BOSOM<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>How's that?<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>It's a good start. Try expanding on his lustful intentions.<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>PRAISE GOD'S NAME NOW AND FOREVER<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND CAVARADOSSI TO HIS DEATH WHILE I SCREW HIS GIRLFRIEND<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Good, good.<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>And now for the big finish!<br />
<br />
<b>Scarpia: </b>TOSCA YOU MAKE ME FORGET GOD<br />
<br />
<b>Everyone: </b>YAAAAY JESUS<br />
<br />
<b>Puccini: </b>... nailed it. <br />
<br />
<i>[End of Act I.]</i>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-17249669487992931432013-09-29T21:12:00.000-04:002013-09-29T21:12:40.810-04:00Pagliacci, Act IIPrevious installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/06/pagliacci-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a><br />
<br />
<i><b>Act II: </b>Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, </i>fuck<i> that guy.</i> <i>Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Brilliant plan.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda: </b>Canio wouldn't <i>dare</i> hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b><i>[sigh]</i> It was nice knowing you.<br />
<br />
<i>[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Beppe: </b>:(<br />
<br />
<i>[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Beppe: </b>:(<i> </i>:( :(<br />
<br />
<i>[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> I hate you all so much.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY
<br />
<br />
<i>[Beppe and Nedda enter.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Fiiiiiiine.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE
<br />
<br />
<i>[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is <i>right over there.</i> Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!
<br />
<br />
<b>Creepy Ghost Twins:</b> ... and ever... and <i>ever</i>...
<br />
<br />
<i>[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<i>[<b>The Play-Within-the-Opera:</b> Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> GET SOME
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here <i>ages</i> ago.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT<br />
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE<br />
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE<br />
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> There's Arlecchino!
<br />
<br />
<i>[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> There's my beloved! <i>[sighing]</i> Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Nooooope.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. <i>[pause]</i> ... you. I gotta hump you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> <i>[whispering]</i> That last part wasn't in the script.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> <i>[whispering back]</i> But it sure felt appropriate!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Fuck off, Taddeo.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> But -- but --
<br />
<br />
<i>[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> GTFO N00B
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.
<br />
<br />
<b>My Readers:</b> Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?
<br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> Shut up. I don't need your sass.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Arlecchino!
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> Colombina!
<br />
<br />
<i>[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> ... this is the most boring affair ever.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU
<br />
<br />
<i>[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> YAAAAAY
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda and Beppe:</b> OH SHIT
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> I'M OUT, BITCHES
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> Don't forget to roofie your husband!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> <i>[to himself]</i> <span style="font-size: x-small;">THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT
</span><br />
<br />
<b>Tumblr Users in the Audience:</b> And that's what trigger warnings are for.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> Yuuuuuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Why are you home early?
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> Oh, did I interrupt something? <i>[pointing to the table]</i> And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Tonio steps out of the closet.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>R. Kelly:</b> This is <i>amazing</i>. I really need to write an opera one of these days.
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio:</b> Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, <i>ever</i> lie to or cheat on her husband!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> <i>[to the chorus]</i> SHUT THE FUCK UP
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> oh shit
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> <i>[to Nedda]</i> WHAT'S HIS NAME
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Whose name?
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Is anyone else, like... <i>super</i> uncomfortable right now?
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> Yuuuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Hey, <i>Pagliaccio,</i> maybe you should calm down --
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Women:</b> OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Men:</b> SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS <i>CLEARLY</i> A PART OF THE SHOW
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Women:</b> Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a <i>wonderful</i> performer!
<br />
<br />
<b>Silvio:</b> That's the <i>exact opposite</i> of what I just said.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Men:</b> SHUT IT
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> <i>[looking out at the villagers]</i> You guys <i>have</i> to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> ... fuck.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> <i>[to Canio]</i> Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> Kinda, yeah.
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> <i>[attempting to get the play back on track]</i> Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> APPARENTLY
<br />
<br />
<b>Canio:</b> TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE
<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda:</b> My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you <i>shit,</i> you punk-ass motherfucker.
<br />
<br />
<b>Beppe:</b> <i>[to Tonio]</i> Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?
<br />
<br />
<b>Tonio: </b>What do I look like, a police officer?<br />
<br />
<i>[Canio pulls out a knife.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Orchestra: </b><i>[starts playing The Rains of Castamere]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Game of Thrones Fans: </b>Too soon.<i> </i><b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Canio: </b>WHAT'S HIS NAME<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda: </b>GO FUCK YOURSELF<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Silvio: </b><i>[jumping to his feet] </i>JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW<br />
<br />
<i>[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>Silvio and Beppe: </b>HOLY FUCK<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING<br />
<br />
<b>Canio: </b>TELL ME WHO IT IS<br />
<br />
<b>Nedda: </b><i>[dying]</i> ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...<br />
<br />
<i>[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>That might have been useful some time <i>before</i> Canio stabbed your lover to death.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<b>Silvio: </b>NEDDA NOOOOO<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Canio: </b>Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.<br />
<i></i><br />
<i>[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.] </i><br />
<br />
<b>Nedda: </b>... god<i>dammit</i>, Silvio.<br />
<br />
<i>[Silvio and Nedda both die.]</i><br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.<br />
<br />
<b>Canio: </b><i>[dropping the knife]</i> THE COMEDY IS FINISHED<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>...<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience: </b>... <br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus: </b>... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT <i>ALL</i> YOU ASSHOLE<br />
<br />
<i>[End of the opera.]</i>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-82509223091949334422013-06-17T18:49:00.001-04:002013-09-29T21:13:55.697-04:00Pagliacci, Act I<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pagliacci</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">An
absolute shit-show in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/09/pagliacci-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a>)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Music
and Libretto: </i>Ruggero Leoncavallo</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[</i><i><b>Prologue:</b></i><i>
Tonio, the scheming hunchback, steps in front of the curtain and
directly addresses the audience.]</i></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
w</span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">hy do hunchbacks in
opera always have to be morally bankrupt?</span></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leoncavallo:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Because their outer ugliness
represents their twisted souls?</span></span></div>
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</span>
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</div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're an asshole.</span></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>...</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>That's better. <i>[bowing] </i>Allow me to introduce myself –
I'm the Prologue!</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Hi!</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>Soooo here's the deal. Usually, when someone recites a prologue
for the audience, it's full of a bunch of "don't worry if bad
stuff happens onstage because none of it is real" bullshit.
Well, I'm here to tell you that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING CASE ANYMORE.
This is a true fucking story and Leoncavallo poured his heart and
soul into composing this shit and every emotion you see and hear
onstage tonight is ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT REAL. Tears? Real.
Anger? <i>Real.</i> Murder in a fit of jealous rage? YOU BETTER
FUCKING BELIEVE IT'S REAL.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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</div>
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</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b> Wait. Are you telling us that someone is actually,
<i>literally</i> going to get murdered onstage tonight?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>I'M NOT DONE YET SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tonight, you assholes are
going to learn that actors and singers and performers are real people
with real emotions who feel the same things that you do.</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Yeah, we're already aware of that.</span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>... you are?</span></div>
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</span>
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</div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Yeah. It's not a hard concept to grasp.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>Oh. Shit.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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</div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Awkward
silence.]</i></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b>THEN LET'S GET ON WITH THE FUCKING SHOW</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
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</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He
leaves. The curtain rises.]</i></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Well, <i>that</i> was weird.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[</i><i><b>Act
I: </b></i><i>A village in Calabria, some time during the
mid-nineteenth century. A trumpet and a drum are heard offstage. A
chorus of villagers enters.]</i></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>OH SHIT THE CLOWNS ARE COMING YAAAAAAY THEY'RE SO AWESOME</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
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</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Sorry, but no. Clowns are fucking terrifying.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
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</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>WE LOVE THIS TROUPE OF TRAVELING PERFORMERS BECAUSE THEY
MAKE US MOMENTARILY FORGET THAT OUR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Oh. Well, that makes a bit more sense.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The
performers enter on a large cart, each dressed as a character from
the Commedia dell'Arte. Tonio is dressed as Taddeo, the buffoon;
Beppe and Nedda are dressed as the lovers Arlecchino and Colombina,
respectively; lastly, Nedda's husband Canio is dressed as Pagliaccio,
who is Colombina's cuckolded husband.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leoncavallo:</b>
See, their roles in the show mirror their roles in real life!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Yeah, that's great.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leoncavallo:</b>
Except Beppe, because <i>fuck</i> that guy.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b>Thank you, good townsfolk –</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus
Men: </b>YAAAAAAAY ARLECCHINO AND COLOMBINA OTP 4EVER</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus
Women: </b>WHY WOULD YOU SHIP THEM IT'S SO BORING AND CANON</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b>Uh... guys?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus
Men: </b>SHUT UP THEY'RE ADORABLE</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus
Women: </b>NUH UH PAGLIECCHINO IS THE ONLY PAIRING THAT MAKES ANY
SENSE IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><i>[banging on a drum] </i>WOULD YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP WITH YOUR
FANDOM BULLSHIT</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus:</b> <i>[covering their ears]</i> JESUS CHRIST THAT'S LOUD</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Canio
keeps banging on the drum.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DEAR GOD OUR EARS ARE
BLEEDING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Canio
stops.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Are you guys gonna let me talk
now?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AHAHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No, it wasn't. You
people are morons.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE
HAS TO SAY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OKAY I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE
ILLITERATE HICKS SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE'RE PUTTING ON A REALLY
FUCKING AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT WITH ALL KINDS OF WACKY HIJINX AND
YOU'LL LAUGH AND CRY AND IT'LL BE AMAZING SO Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING BE
THERE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOOOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
tries to help Nedda down from the cart, but Canio shoves him away.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HA HA EVERYONE LAUGH AT
THE CRIPPLED GUY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck you guys.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No, but seriously.
Y'all are assholes.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Villager 1: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY CANIO COME
DRINK WITH US</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OKAY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'LL COME TOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">How about you, Tonio?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'll be along soon; I have to
clean the donkey first.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is that supposed to
be taken literally or as some sort of euphemism?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leoncavallo:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">… can it be both?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Villager 2: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Watch out, Canio!
He's only staying behind so he can bang your hot wife!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Everyone
laughs.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Canio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AHAHAHAHA
YEAH THAT'S REALLY FUNNY but if you say that to me again I'll break
your fucking nose.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Random
Villager 2: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Calm
down, man. It was just a joke.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Canio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
all well and good when Nedda takes a different lover onstage, because
that's what's supposed to happen and everyone thinks it's funny. But
if I ever found out she had a lover in real life, I'd probably have a
serious mental breakdown and murder them both in the most public way
possible.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Chorus: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
wait, seriously?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Canio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
I'd never actually do that, because Nedda would </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">never</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
cheat on me!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HA
HA YEAH TOTALLY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND NOT REMOTELY HOT IN
ANY WAY</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Suddenly,
bagpipes are heard playing offstage.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH MAN THE BAGPIPES I
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH NOW</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">… wait, there are
Italian bagpipes?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JUST REMEMBER TO COME TO OUR
SHOW TONIGHT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE ARE BELLS NOW DING
DONG DING DONG</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This is stupid.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND ALL THE TEENAGERS
WANT TO MAKE OUT ON THE WAY TO CHURCH BECAUSE THAT'S APPARENTLY A
THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Canio
exits with Beppe and the villagers. Nedda stays behind.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck
fuckity fuck he suspects I'm having an affair and he's probably going
to kill me OH GOD WHAT DO I DO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well, you should
probably keep calm and think about how you can get out of this
dangerous situation.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Actually, I think I'm just
going to waste my time wishing I could turn into a bird.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BIRDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY GO
WHEREVER THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NOTHING CAN STOP
THEM</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Except bigger birds.
Or lightning, for that matter.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHUT UP IT'S MY DAYDREAM AND I
CAN DO WHAT I WANT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
enters and listens to her.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">UP IN THE SKY – IT'S A BIRD –
IT'S A PLANE – NO WAIT IT'S DEFINITELY A BIRD BECAUSE PLANES
HAVEN'T BEEN INVENTED YET</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're crazy.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Nedda
starts to leave and notices Tonio watching her.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS TONIO WHY ARE YOU SUCH A
CREEPER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's not my fault! You're so
hot that I can't control my own actions!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're gross.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO I'M NOT I'M THE NICEST GUY
EVER AND YOU'RE JUST REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU HATE HUNCHBACKS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No, I'm rejecting you because
you're an asshole who won't stop sexually harassing me even though
I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested and I'm also </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">married
to your boss</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">COME ON STOP FRIENDZONING ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">First of all, the friend zone
is made-up bullshit. Second, I don't even want to be your friend, so
please </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuck off already</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHATEVER YOU'RE JUST A BITCH
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just leave before I call Canio
and he beats the hell out of you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HE WON'T GET HERE BEFORE I GET
SOME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
attempts to grab Nedda and kiss her. Nedda grabs a whip left by the
cart and whacks Tonio in the face.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Boom. Headshot.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER CHECK
YOURSELF BEFORE </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">WRECK
YOU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[running away]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What a fucking asshole.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Enter
Silvio, Nedda's secret lover.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nedda!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
worry too much. Canio's at the tavern, and I made sure no one saw me
on my way here!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
well. If you'd gotten here any sooner, Tonio would have seen you.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whatever.
Tonio's just an idiot.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
an attempted rapist.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus
Christ. Are you okay?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
I'm fine. I hit him in the face with a whip.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
my girl.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
embrace.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Silvio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo since your life with the
traveling circus sucks so much, how about running away with me?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You know I can't.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Come
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">onnnnnnnn</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you don't even love Canio and you never have so why are you still
with him and why don't you want to run away and don't you love
meeeeeeeeeeee</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus.
Are </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">all</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
the men in this opera crazy, needy, or some combination of the above?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Leoncavallo:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
pretty much.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Nedda:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
too dangerous, darling. It would be better for us to part ways and
pretend this never happened.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
enters, unseen.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Silvio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">THEN
YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to himself]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
She's cheating on Canio? Time to get my Iago on!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
runs off.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Of </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">course</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I love you, Silvio!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Silvio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BUT YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE AND I'M
GONNA BE SAD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But – </span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Silvio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I DON'T BE</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">LIEVE</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
IN LIFE AFTER LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
REALLY DON'T THINK I'M STRONG ENOUGH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, for fuck's sake. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fine</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">,
I'll run away with you and we'll live happily ever after and stuff.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Silvio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
start making out as Tonio and Canio arrive, hidden in the shadows.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He moves pretty
quickly for a hunchback.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Silvio:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to Nedda]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Meet me at midnight, and then we can be together forever!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's not even
remotely ominous wording.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yes, I'll be yours forever!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">A-</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">HA</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH SHIT IT'S MY HUSBAND –
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">RUUUUUUUN</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
and Canio emerge from their hiding place, but Silvio escapes before
Canio can see his face. Canio chases him off.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHERE
ARE YOU GODDAMMIT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
laughs.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is this your fault?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuuuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This is low, even for you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It serves you right, harlot.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck yourself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Canio
re-enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I have no idea what you're
talking about.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[drawing his knife] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">TELL
ME HIS NAME OR I'LL KILL YOU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not gonna happen.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Canio
raises his knife to stab her, but Beppe rushes in and stops him.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN PUT
DOWN THE KNIFE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NEVER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE COMING AND
THE SHOW STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TELL ME HIS NAME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO GET
READY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
takes Canio off to one side as Beppe talks to Nedda.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Are we seriously going to do a
show after he just tried to kill me?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, you know Canio. He'll calm
down soon enough.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nedda:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And what if he doesn't?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's not like he'll try
anything with the whole town watching. Come on – what could go
wrong?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[groan]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Nedda
exits.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to Tonio]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
What the fuck am I gonna do now?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just stay calm and get ready
for the show. Nedda's lover will probably be there, so maybe you can
kill two birds with one knife!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You mean stone.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Tonio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I know what I mean.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Beppe:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">COME ON YOU GUYS GET DRESSED
ALREADY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Tonio
and Beppe exit. Canio begins to get ready.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Canio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PERFORM
WHEN I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME OH GOD MY WHOLE LIFE
IS RUINED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He
starts putting on his makeup and costume.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="line_1"></a><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Canio:
</b></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">SMIIIILE THOUGH
YOUR HEART IS ACHING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="line_2"></a><span style="font-weight: normal;">SMIIIIILE
EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>At Least a Quarter of the Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ohhhh, we get it now! This is
that opera about the sad clown, isn't it?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone Else: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
for fuck's sake.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of Act I.]</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/09/pagliacci-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-88301742937592183392013-06-10T15:13:00.002-04:002013-06-10T16:12:04.214-04:00Cavalleria rusticana<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cavalleria Rusticana</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">A melodrama in one
act</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Music:</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
Pietro Mascagni</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Libretto:
</i><span style="font-style: normal;">Giovanni Targioni-Tozzetti and
Guido Menasci</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The opera takes place in the
mid-nineteenth century, in a small Sicilian village. During the
prelude, the tenor starts singing from behind the curtain.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I met her in my mom's bar down in Sicily</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
And she was super hot and had sex with me, oh my Lola</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
L-O-L-A, Lola</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
And she went and got married while I was away</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
But I'm back and now I'm sleeping with her anyway, 'cause YOLO</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
Y-O-L-O, YOLO</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
And her husbands pretty tough and a jealous guy</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
But she's hot enough that I don't even care if I die, oh my Lola</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mascagni:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Actually, that pretty much
covers the whole plot of the opera right there.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So... can we leave now, or
would that be awkward?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mascagni: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
can't leave yet! You'll miss all the Catholic guilt!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh
joy.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The curtain
rises on the town square, which has a church at one end and Turiddu's
mom's wine bar at the other.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Religion and alcohol, the two
staples of any Sicilian upbringing.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">To
be fair, that also describes Ireland.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The chorus
enters.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus Women: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
ARE SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK WHO ENJOY OUR SIMPLE COUNTRY LIVES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus Men: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YES
INDEED WE WORK HARD ALL DAY AND THEN WE ENJOY THE SIMPLE COMFORTS OF
OUR QUAINT HOMES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus Women:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU COULD EVEN SAY OUR LIVES
ARE PRETTY RUSTIC</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus Men: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
CHIVALROUS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus Women:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE
THAN AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WHO WAS
CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY, SUFFERED UNDER
PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED, AND WAS BURIED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mascagni:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oh, right. It's Easter, by the way.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Of
course it is.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE'RE
SO EXCITED TO CELEBRATE EASTER IN A COMPLETELY PEACEFUL AND
NON-MURDEROUS FASHION</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[They exit.
Enter Santuzza, a young woman from the village. She seeks out Mama
Lucia, who is Turiddu's mother and the proprietor of the wine bar.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MAMA
LUCIA WHERE IS TURIDDU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
sorry; you must have me confused with someone who talks to dirty
whores.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rude.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
I calls 'em as I sees 'em.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Pleeeeease I need to talk to
Turiddu and I need to know where he iiiiiiiiis</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He's not here; he's gone
to Francofonte to buy more wine.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No, he's totally back.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BITCH IF YOU KNOW SO
MUCH THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME WHERE HE WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Someone saw him here in town
last night!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What? Aw, </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">hell</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
naw. He can cavort with brazen hussies all he wants – </span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I have feelings, you know.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">– but the minute he
starts messing with my business, it is </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">on</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Good to know she's
got her priorities in order.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Mama
Lucia beckons to Santuzza.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mama
Lucia: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Come
inside; we can talk more.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
CAN'T ENTER YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
pretty sure that's not how excommunication works, but whatever.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fine. Just tell me what
my son's been up to!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Alfio
enters. The chorus follows him on because they have nothing better to
do.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BOY I SURE LOVE CARTING SHIT
FROM TOWN TO TOWN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH THAT'S APPARENTLY
A THING THAT PEOPLE DO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE BACK
HOME FOR EASTER SO I CAN SEE MY LOVING WIFE LOLA WHO WOULD NEVER EVER
CUCKOLD ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">cough cough SLUT cough cough</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAAAAY IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAAAAAAAY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey, Mama Lucia – do you have
any of that wine I love so much?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not at the moment –
Turiddu has gone to get more.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But he's back, isn't he? I saw
him near my house this morning, looking completely inconspicuous!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GODDAMMIT HOW LONG HAS
HE BEEN BACK IN TOWN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Santuzza
elbows Mama Lucia.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[whispering]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Ix-nay on the Uriddu-Tay.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mama
Lucia: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bitch,
you know I don't speak Latin.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just
shut up.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Singing
can be heard from the church.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Y'all bitches are late for
mass.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aren't you gonna go?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I have to drop some stuff off
at home first, but I'm sure I'll arrive at the church at an
appropriately dramatic moment.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
leaves. The offstage chorus sings in Latin.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Offstage
Chorus: </b></span>LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">VESTIBULUM FEUGIAT IMPERDIET</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">LIBERO UT ALIQUAM</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Onstage Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAY
FOR JESUS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HE
HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND STUFF</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
AM SAD BECAUSE I CAN'T GO INTO THE CHURCH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALLELUIAAAAAAAA</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Everyone goes into
church except Santuzza and Mama Lucia.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo why did you tell
me to shut up?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You know how Turiddu had sworn
to love Lola forever before he went off to be a soldier?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well, when he got back and saw
that she was married, he seduced me to make her jealous.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What a douche.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He said he loved me and
promised that we would get married, but now he's just banging Lola
whenever Alfio's out of town. OH GOD I'M THE TOWN HARLOT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well, shit. And this is
why you can't go to church?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">More or less. But it's okay;
I'll just wait outside and interact with the other main characters.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Mama
Lucia leaves. Turiddu enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, hey.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">There</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you are! I've been waiting for you!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's great. Aren't you going
to church?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO BECAUSE I'M A SINFUL SINNER
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, right. The pre-marital sex.
Hey, have you seen my mom around?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah, but I need to talk to
you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not in front of the church. It
might give people the wrong idea.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Like the idea that
you're an asshole?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">More or less. Anyway, I'm gonna
go –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Where have you been?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I was buying wine in
Francofonte.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bullshit. Half the town saw you
creeping around Lola's house this morning.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH MAYBE A LITTLE but this
time it was actually Alfio who saw you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shiiiiit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">If you're going to be a
two-timing dick, you could at least be more careful about it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut up! Do you want to get me
killed?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO BECAUSE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU
LOVE LOLA</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Calm down. I don't love Lola; I
love </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jerry
Springer: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is that true? Let's
find out! Come on out, Lola!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Lola
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[expletive deleted]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND
WAS HOT LIKE ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T
YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[throws a chair]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOOOOOOOOOOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh hey, Turiddu. Have you seen
Alfio?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I dunno; I just got here.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whatever; I'm sure he'll be
here soon. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[molto bitchy]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Aren't you coming in, Santuzza?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">People who have committed
grievous sins aren't allowed in church.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[innocently] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
I guess I should be glad that I'm not a skank like you!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah, you're a fucking </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">model</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
of womanly virtue.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You know what? Your negativity
is really bumming me out. Let's go, Lola.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No, thanks. You can stay out
here and finish your conversation.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Stay.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yes, ma'am.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Lola
goes into church.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GODDAMMIT SANTUZZA LOOK WHAT
YOU'VE DONE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I DON'T CARE GET AWAY FROM ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T LEAVE ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WATCH ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
tries to cling to him, but he shoves her away and runs into the
church.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Santuzza:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I HOPE YOU HAVE... A </span><b><i>BAD
EASTER</i></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Orchestra: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dun DUN </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">DUNNNNNNN</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">… is that supposed
to be some sort of grievous curse?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mascagni:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Of course. Everyone in the town
is, like... </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">super
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Catholic.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It doesn't seem that
terrible, though. “Have a bad Easter.” You might as well tell
someone that you hope they overcook their dinner.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mascagni:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That would probably get you
shot in some parts Sicily.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">… you people are
weird.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Alfio
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALFIO
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">How
late am I for mass?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
pretty sure it's ending in five minutes. But what's important right
now is that LOLA IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH TURIDDU</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">whaaaaaaaaaaat</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whenever
you leave town, they pretty much fuck like rabbits.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">GodDAMMIT</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Right?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
you're lying to me, I will rip your heart out and </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">eat
it</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whoa.
Calm down there, khaleesi.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
not lying!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
I'll just take your word for it and not bother to verify your
statements in any way.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Don't
worry. It's all true.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">TIME
TO GET MY MURDER ON</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Santuzza:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
maybe telling you like this wasn't the best idea.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
WHERE'S MY STABBIN' KNIFE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
exit. An orchestral intermezzo plays.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Orchestra: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Listen to how
beautiful and melodic this is! There's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">no
way</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> this is all going to
end in tragedy!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bullshit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Orchestra: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah, we're just
fucking with you. Shit's about to get real.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
mass ends and the chorus re-enters with Turiddu and Lola.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Now that mass is over,
let's go home to our families!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">How about you, Lola?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I have to go home, too. I still
haven't found Alfio!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Meh. He'll get here eventually.
HEY EVERYONE LET'S GET DRUNK</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That sounds </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">way</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
better than Easter dinner with our loved ones!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TRA LA LA WINE IS AWESOME
BECAUSE IT REMOVES OUR INHIBITIONS AND MAKES GETTING LUCKY THAT MUCH
EASIER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're gross and we
hate you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Turiddu
and Lola toast to each other.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Turiddu:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">To
your love life!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Lola:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">To
your e</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">nor</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">mous...
health. Ahem. To your health.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Chorus: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOO
WE LOVE BOOZE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Everyone
drinks. Alfio enters, looking pissed off.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HI ALFIO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck off.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY ALFIO COME DRINK WITH US</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alfio:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Actually, I'd rather drink
poison. Or, you know. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Kill
you.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BRING IT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lola:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">shit shit shit</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chorus
Women: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're outta here.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
exit with Lola.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Turiddu:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
when do you want to do this?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Right
now.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Turiddu:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fine.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Turiddu
embraces Alfio and bites part of his ear off.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS
CHRIST ALFIO JUST GOT MIKE TYSON'D</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mascagni:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
how Sicilians accept challenges.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
think you're full of shit. You're not even from Sicily.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Looks
like we understand one another. I'll wait for you outside.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Turiddu:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just
so you know, I'm sorry for screwing your wife and stuff – I'd
totally commit suicide to right the wrong I've caused you, but I
kinda promised to marry Santuzza and if I die then no one will want
her because I took her virginity. Sooooooo I guess I'm gonna have to
kill you!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
you actually gave a shit about Santuzza's future, maybe you shouldn't
have slept with her in the first place.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Alfio:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
you also shouldn't have cuckolded me, so you can pretty much eat a
whole bag of dicks.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Alfio
leaves with the chorus men. Mama Lucia enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey, mom. I just have to go out
into the fields for a few minutes, but if I don't come back for some
completely unexpected reason, could you promise to take care of
Santuzza for me?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Uh... what's going on?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, nothing. I'm pretty sure
it's just the wine talking.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, okay.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Now that I think about it,
though, I probably should have waited until I sobered up before
agreeing to fight Alfio to the death.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Wait, </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">what?</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Turiddu:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gottagobye!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
runs out.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mama
Lucia: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TURIDDU MARCO CAZZONE
YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Santuzza
enters and embraces Mama Lucia. A scream is heard in the distance.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Offstage
Voice: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH GOD TURIDDU'S DEAD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
chorus enters, looking shell-shocked. Santuzza and Mama Lucia begin
to weep.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH NOOOOOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Good fucking
riddance. That guy was an </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">asshole</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Santuzza
and Mama Lucia glare at the audience.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">… too soon?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div align="LEFT" style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[End
of the opera.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-43912444043905659832013-05-23T00:58:00.001-04:002013-05-23T01:18:29.391-04:00Les Misérables, Part III
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Previous installments: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/02/les-miserables-part-i.html" target="_blank">Part I</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/02/les-miserables-part-ii.html" target="_blank">Part II</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Act II: The ass end of Paris, the
morning after One Day More. Just for the sake of recap, let's see how
things stand at the moment.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
hate rich people because they're assholes.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Rich People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
hate poor people because they seem to think they have human rights.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
getting ready to flee the country because I heard someone scream
outside my apartment.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You haven't lived in a big city
for very long, have you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
sad because I'll never see Marius again!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You guys have known each other
for less than twenty-four hours and you've only interacted with each
other for about five minutes. Cool it, Heidi Hormones.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
we shared a beautiful love duet!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT
WAS A TRIO YOU MAN-STEALING HUSSY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
leading a bunch of students, most of whom have never used a weapon
before, against a fighting force with superior numbers, equipment,
and training – but our righteous zeal for JUSTICE will make up for
our stunning ignorance of military tactics!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I'm moping about a girl, so I think it's entirely acceptable to throw
my life away for no reason.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">For
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">JUSTICE!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah
sure whatever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
DRUNK</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[in
disguise]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> yes hello my
fellow students I am here for the rebelling against the government</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[also
in disguise]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> hello I
would also like to fight and also I am definitely a boy</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Come on in!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg
& Boublil:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Also, we only had enough time to compose five or six musical themes
for the whole show – so we just repeat them over and over and
change the words each time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[And
now we're pretty much caught up. Onward with the plot!]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
let's get started on building this barricade! Also, I'm gonna need a
volunteer to scout the enemy position and see how many soldiers
they're sending our way.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WILL VOLUNTEER BECAUSE I AM A GODLESS REBEL WHO DESPISES THE NATURAL
ORDER OF THE WORLD JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Seems
legit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
leaves. The rest of the students start building their dumbass wall.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
can't wait for the citizens of Paris to join us! It's gonna be the
best revolution </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">ever</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
bumps into Éponine and immediately sees through her disguise.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ÉPONINE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A GIRL</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Then
why are </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
here? OHHH BURRRRN</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rude.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
that was uncalled for. You know what would make you feel better? Some
steamy makeouts.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Look,
I just don't want you to get hurt.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Awww,
you care about my well-being!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Of
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">course</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I do! If you get hurt or killed, I won't have anyone to deliver my
love note to Cosette!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaaand
you can go fuck yourself.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Pretty</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
please? With a doomed rebellion on top?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[sighing]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Fiiiiine.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
gives her the letter.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
just for the record, I still think you're –</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">thanks
gotta go bye</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
an </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">ass</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">hole.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
takes the letter to the Rue Plumet, where she meets Valjean.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Excuse
me, sir – is your daughter home?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[suspiciously]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Who wants to know?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have a letter for her from a hormonal, adolescent jackass.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
you give it to me, I promise to give it directly to her and not read
it first. 'Cause that would be a pretty dickish thing to do.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Éponine
gives him the letter, which he immediately opens and reads.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Bishop of Digne's Ghost: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">noooooo
Valjean you're supposed to be gooooood</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up. You don't know what it's like to have kids.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Technically
speaking, she's </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
your kid.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
ignoring you all now. </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[reading]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
“Dearest Cosette,</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
know this might come across as a bit forward, considering how we only
met yesterday and all, but I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
WITHOUT YOU SO I'M GONNA FIGHT AND DIE ON THE BARRICADES BECAUSE
YOU'RE LEAVING</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Melodramatically
yours,</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Marius”</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">… <span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
SHIT WHEN DID MY DAUGHTER MEET A BOY</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
runs back inside, leaving Éponine alone onstage.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALL
BY MYSEEEEELF</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T
WANNA BE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALL
BY MYSEEEEELF</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
probably starting to sound like a broken record, but you could always
try </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">telling Marius
how you feel</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
instead of waiting for him to figure it out.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No,
thanks; I'd rather construct an elaborate fantasy world in my head
where the two of us are together and happy and have incredible sex
ALL THE TIME</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine's
Fangirls: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">MARIUS
IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT LOVING HER BACK</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No,
he's a jerk for treating her like an errand girl instead of a real
friend.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine's
Fangirls: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BUT
HE – </span></span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nnnnnope.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
KNOW I'M LIVING IN A FICTIONAL WORLD BUT IT'S PREFERABLE TO REALITY
BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Every
Fandom Ever: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
that hits uncomfortably close to home.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Victor
Hugo: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
remember that time when you had everything you wanted, and then you
were a spoiled little brat and a total bitch to Cosette?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
COME ON I WAS ONLY LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Victor
Hugo: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">IRRELEVANT</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
scene changes back to the barricade, which is already complete.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
pretty lucky that Grantaire majored in engineering!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That
would explain why it looks so structurally unsound.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have no idea what you mean.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Grantaire:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[drinks]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOO
WE'RE EXCITED TO KICK SOME ASS</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Army
Officer: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
OKAY LISTEN UP YOU DUMBFUCKS YOU'RE SURROUNDED AND THERE'S NO ONE
COMING TO HELP YOU BUT IF YOU SURRENDER RIGHT NOW WE PROMISE TO LET
MOST OF YOU LIVE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">He's
lying! All of Paris will rally to our cause!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">All
of Paris: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
after they've finished doing whatever it is they're doing now! Which
I'm sure is extremely important!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">All
of Paris: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[crickets
chirping]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whatever.
If fiction has taught me anything, it's that the reinforcements will
always arrive at the last possible moment.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH
WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
climbs over the barricade.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So,
I've got good news and bad news.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What's
the bad news?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">They
outnumber us by about thirty to one.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuuuuuuck</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
the good news?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">They
won't attack tonight because they're planning to starve us out –
but when they </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">do</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
attack, they'll come from the right. I suggest that we concentrate
our forces there and leave our left flank completely exposed.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sounds
like a plan!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[entering]</span></i><b>
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLD UP YOU GUYS THAT'S TOTALLY
INSPECTOR JAVERT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
That's crazy talk. He's dressed like one of us!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enjolras takes
off Javert's hat.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
CRAP IT'S JAVERT</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Good
work, Gavroche. How did you know it was him?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Um,
maybe because I'm not blind and also an idiot? He walks around the
streets of Paris all day, yelling at people to remember him.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Good
point.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Seriously,
I can't believe you guys didn't recognize him. He was gonna give you
false information so you'd do something stupid and suicidal, like
leaving your left flank entirely unprotected.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[glare at
Enjolras]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
it sounded like a good idea at the time.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling
kid!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That'll
teach you to underestimate the little people! We'll fight and we'll
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">win!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure
you will.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Take
the inspector into the tavern and tie him up. We're gonna have a
trial!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
stupid. Can't we just shoot him and get it over with?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No;
that would be rude. Besides, it's not like he's gonna escape or
anything.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
bet you pussies don't have the stones to shoot me.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Grantaire:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WANNA
BET</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BRING
IT YOU GODLESS SCUM</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Shots are
fired offstage.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
can have your pissing contest later. Just tie him up already.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
is dragged away. Éponine stumbles onstage.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ÉPONINE
DID YOU DELIVER MY LETTER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[bleeding profusely]
</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
yeah, I delivered your stupid love letter. Glad I could be so useful.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Why'd
you come back? It's dangerous here! You could get hurt!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
shit.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
collapses.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
is everything okay? </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
touches her.] </span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wait...
something feels wet. And a bit sticky.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Grantaire:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
PHRASING</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[noticing the blood
on his hand] </span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Grantaire:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
THAT TOO</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ÉPONINE
YOU'RE WOUNDED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks
for noticing, jackass.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[It
starts raining because </span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">symbolism</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
it makes you feel better, I can't feel any pain.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck
no; it hurts like a bitch. I was just trying to be nice.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh.
Shit.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
okay, though, because you're here and I love you and that's all that
matters.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wow.
Okay, uh... would it help you get better if I told you I loved you
too?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[coughing up blood]
</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Probably
not.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck.
I'm sorry.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
all right. I might not get to be with you, but at least I can die for
you and maybe give you a chance of being with the person you love.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Headless Ghost of Sydney Carton: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
know that feel, bro.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is
there anything I can do?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Éponine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
just hold me until it's over.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
dies. Marius kisses her.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">that</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
was fucking depressing.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
WILL AVENGE HER DEATH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
enters in a soldier's uniform.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">hello
I would like one ticket to the revolution please</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Joly:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">For
fuck's sake. Their spies aren't even </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">trying</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
anymore.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
not a spy!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Joly:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not
a good one, at least. You're still dressed like a soldier, moron.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">had</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
to dress like a soldier, or I wouldn't have gotten through their
lines!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Joly:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
that actually kinda makes sense, but it could just be a trick. How
are we supposed to know that you're not a soldier pretending to be a
revolutionary dressed as a soldier?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Because
that would be needlessly complicated?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Joly:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Also,
you're old as fuck.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
unnaturally strong. I'm sure it'll come in handy.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Joly:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah
well I still don't trust you. We've already had one infiltrator
today.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Who?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Combeferre:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Some
cop named Javert.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
Christ. Not </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">him</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
again.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">A
Sentry: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY</span></span><b><span style="font-style: normal;">
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE
SOLDIERS ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to Valjean]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Here, random stranger we have no reason to trust – take this gun!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
know that if you betray us, we'll shoot your fucking face off.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
duly noted.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
all run to the barricade and ready their weapons.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FIRE
AT WILL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[A lot of
gunfire happens.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Feuilly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT THERE'S A SNIPER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN I
GOT THIS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Valjean shoots
the sniper before the sniper can shoot Enjolras.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">yeeeeeah headshot I pwned that
fucking n00b</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Bishop of
Digne's Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And now you're
killing people? Seriously?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">STOP
NAGGING ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">They're retreating already! Did
we win?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Obi-Wan Kenobi:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not yet. They're easily
startled, but they'll soon be back – and in greater numbers.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
goddammit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Valjean]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Thanks for the
save, bro.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
problem. If it's not too much to ask, could you do me a favor?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Anything.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Give
me Javert. Let me take care of him.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean/Javert
Shippers: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[squeal]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
I don't mean it like that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure!
Despite the vague wording of your request and the fact that we don't
know you at all, we'll let you have Javert. Hell, we trust you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">so
much</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> that none of us
will even watch you to make sure that you're actually killing him and
not doing something stupid, like secretly releasing him!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
appreciate that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
draws a knife and takes Javert aside as the students leave.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
think I'm afraid of dying? </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bring
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">it. I will haunt your
bitch ass from </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">beyond the
grave.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You know, he probably actually
would.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Go
ahead, motherfucker. Try me.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">For
once in your life, Javert, just shut the hell up.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
cuts the ropes binding Javert's wrists.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">wait
what</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Get
out of here.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is
this some sort of trick?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
letting you live. Now </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">leave</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
already.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Javert:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">THIS
CHANGES NOTHING I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
whatever. If I survive this stupid revolution, you can find me at 55
Rue Plumet.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Javert flees,
and Valjean fires his pistol in the air.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yaaaay Javert's totally dead
now and we're all so sure that we're not going to bother checking to
see his body!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Courfeyrac, you take the first
watch. They're definitely not going to attack again until the
morning, but I want everyone to stay awake all night so we can be
ready for them.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Won't that just mean that
everyone will be exhausted by the time the actual fighting starts?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up. I </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">mean</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
it, guys. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">No one</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
is allowed to go to sleep.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">:(</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Except
you, Marius. You can sleep.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">yaaaaaay</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Feuilly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Since
we have to stay up all night anyway, let's get our drink on!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah, because sleep deprivation
and alcohol are the keys to success on the battlefield.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Joly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Let's
drink to all the girls we've had sex with!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Let's
drink to the fact that our lives and deaths mean absolutely nothing
in the grand scheme of things!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">LET'S
DRINK BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISION WE CAN MAKE RIGHT
NOW</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have nothing left to live for now that Cosette's leaving, but maybe
she'll be sad when she hears about my agonizing death!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Marius lies
down and goes to sleep. Valjean sits and watches him sleep because
he's creepy.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dear
God: I know we haven't always been on the best of terms, but if you
could do me a favor and keep this little jackass alive through the
coming carnage, that would be great. I really want him to bone my
adopted daughter, even though I've done my best up until now to keep
her isolated from the rest of humanity. I won't be around forever,
and Cosette will need a man in her life to tell her what to do –
and if it can't be me, it might as well be some guy she met on the
street yesterday. Amen.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>God: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span><b>
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">you're weird, man.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
can you also sing some unnecessarily high notes? Thanks.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
rest of the night passes without incident. The sun rises.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
the people of Paris haven't joined our glorious revolution. I guess
we're pretty much fucked.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
we'll fight anyway!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Since we're all going to die, though, anyone who has a family should
leave while they still can.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Feuilly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Does
anyone else </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">reeeeeally</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
need a drink right now?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Always.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Students:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well, at least we'll die
together! BROS FOR LIFE (AND ALSO DEATH)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
battle begins anew, and somehow the students manage to push the
soldiers back again.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Feuilly, how are our supplies
holding out?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Feuilly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
we have guns practically coming out of every orifice.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Awesome!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Feuilly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
only problem is that we don't have any bullets for most of them.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
can go loot the corpses of the soldiers in the street! I'm sure
they've got lots of ammo on them!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
can't let you do that; it's too dangerous!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
participating in an attempt to violently overthrow the government.
Safety is clearly not our highest priority here.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Touch</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
But I still can't let you go; you're not expendable enough!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
about me? I'm old and expendable!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
please. I heard your song earlier; you're </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">clearly</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
the show's leading man.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dammit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'LL
GO BECAUSE I'M SMALL AND QUICK AND THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT EVIL ENOUGH
TO SHOOT AT A KID</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
scampers to the top of the barricade before anyone can stop him. To
no one's surprise, he is immediately shot.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">NOOOOOO</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
soldiers think you're so cool with your guns and stuff –</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He's
shot again.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
but you shouldn't underestimate little people like me –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He's
shot again.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
because we'll keep fighting –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He's
shot again.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
even when we're riddled with bullets –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He's
shot again.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
because that's how we –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He's
shot again. This time he's dead for real.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Christ.
He's like a miniature Sonny Corleone.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NOOOOOO
POOR GAVROCHE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Also,
these soldiers are </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">assholes</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
How can you guys shoot women and children?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Sharpshooter: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Easy
– you just don't lead 'em so much.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Army
Officer: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[offstage]
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">OKAY
GUYS YOU SERIOUSLY CAN'T WIN SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SURRENDER AND SAVE
US THE TROUBLE OF MURDERING YOU ALL ONE BY ONE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GO
FUCK YOURSELVES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE'LL
FIGHT UNTIL WE DIE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
fight. They die.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Don't
say we didn't warn you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[In
the chaos, Marius is shot in the leg and passes out. Valjean picks up
Marius and escapes into the sewers before the barricade is overrun.
Enjolras dies at the top of the barricade, and his body slumps
backward over the edge in the most dramatic way possible.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Enjolras
– fabulous even in death.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
enters and looks for Valjean's body, and is understandably pissed to
see that it's not there. Realizing that Valjean must have escaped
into the sewers, Javert hurries away to cut off his escape. The scene
shifts down into the sewers, where Monsieur Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
is robbing corpses.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
HEY GUYS I BET YOU MISSED ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Like
a hole in the head.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
apparently they're just dumping the dead bodies from the rebellion
down here! I'm gonna make a </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fortune</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
from all the stuff I'm stealing. Like this!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He
yanks a tooth out of a cadaver's mouth.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold
fillings!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
gross.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
it's not like they're gonna miss any of it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
less the stealing and more the “knee-deep in shit” part.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oh, yeah. That part </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">is</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
pretty disgusting.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
stumbles in with Marius and falls over. Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
examines Marius.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaand
I'm just gonna take this ring. It's tragic, what's going on up there,
but that's all the more reason to find a silver lining in the
situation. Or gold. Hell, even copper would do.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
turns Valjean over and recognizes him.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">shiiiiiit
this guy is nothing but trouble</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
exits. Valjean regains consciousness, picks up Marius again, and
stumbles out of the sewers just in time to meet Javert.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
for fuck's sake.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND YOU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
you're the best detective ever. Now will you get out of my way? This
boy has been shot and he needs medical attention.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">All
the raw sewage that seeped into his open bullet wound probably didn't
help matters, either.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
NOT LETTING YOU GO AGAIN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
CAN ARREST ME LATER BUT THIS KID IS DYING AND HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING
WRONG</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well...
he </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">did</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
participate in a violent rebellion.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
not helping.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
ARE UNDER ARREST</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD JAVERT HE'S GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T LET ME HELP HIM</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fiiiiiine</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
I'll let you go just this once, but then I'm going to start chasing
you again.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Valjean
hurries away with Marius.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rough
day, huh.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That
son of a bitch had every reason to kill me, but he chose to let me
live because he </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">knew</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
it would fuck with my head.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Or maybe he just didn't want to kill you in cold blood.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO
BECAUSE HE'S A CRIMINAL AND CRIMINALS ARE EVIL AND I AM THE LAW AND I
CANNOT LET MYSELF OWE MY LIFE TO A CRIMINAL SO THE ONLY AVAILABLE
OPTION IS SUICIDE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
think you might be overreacting a little bit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
it's either that or admit that perhaps the world doesn't always work
in black-and-white moral absolutes and that committing a single
criminal act doesn't necessarily mean that a person is entirely evil.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
the obvious choice is –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Suicide!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
throws himself off of a bridge and into the Seine.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
scene changes. The women of Paris remember the fallen rebels:]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Women: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">They
were young and stupid and idealistic and now they're dead. Oh well.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Marius,
recovering from his wounds, is dealing with a severe case of
survivor's guilt.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, it </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">really
fucking sucks</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
that all of my friends are dead now.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
remember the dreams they used to dream and the songs they used to
sing... in fact, I can hear them right now!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
probably not good.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
GOD I CAN SEE THEM TOO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaaand
now we're bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHY
AM I STILL ALIIIIIVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Cosette
enters.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
at least I get to make out with the woman of my dreams.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
healing so quickly! Soon you'll be able to walk without a cane!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
cool and all, but I can't help but wonder who saved my life.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Why
would you waste time thinking about that when you can think about HOW
MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">oh
god she's crazy</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER AND I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE OR GIVE
YOU A MOMENT OF PRIVACY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
hooraaaaay …</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
enters, but they're too busy making puppy-dog eyes at each other to
notice.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Remember
that night when you came to my house like a creepy stalker? It was </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">so
romantic!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
felt kinda bad for not knowing your name.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
fell in love with you then and I still love you and I always will!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
love you tooooooooo</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Both:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE'RE
SO ADORABLE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Christ,
they're obnoxious.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Seriously.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
well. Now that Cosette has a new man in her life, I can finally have
some time to myself!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
notices Valjean.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh
hey I forgot to mention that we want you to move in with us after we
get married and spend all your time with both of us and we can be the
HAPPIEST FAMILY EVER IN THE WORLD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">oh
god no</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
takes Marius aside. Cosette leaves.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Listen,
I have to tell you something. My name is Jean Valjean and I was
arrested for stealing a loaf of bread almost forty years ago and I
broke my parole and I've been on the run ever since and Cosette isn't
really my daughter I just adopted her from a dead hooker and if
anyone ever finds any of this out Cosette will be disgraced forever
so I'm just going to leave you guys because you seem like you've got
stuff figured out pretty well. Okay, champ?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Uh...
what am I going to tell Cosette?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nothing.
Just tell her I went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came
back.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
kinda harsh, man.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fine.
Just say I've gone on a trip and I couldn't say goodbye to her in
person because I was feeling too many feels.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Got
it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">promise</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you won't tell Cosette anything about my past?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
promise!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
scene changes again, this time to Marius and Cosette's wedding
reception.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAY
FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND STUFF</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
band starts playing a waltz. M. and Mme. Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
enter, dressed all fancy.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Some
Announcer Guy: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
Baron and Baroness de Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nard!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[addressing
Marius] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">How
do you do, good sir? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being
introduced to you before.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
the fuck up, Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier;
I know it's you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">told</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you he wouldn't fall for it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
only worthwhile member of your family was your daughter and now she's
dead – </span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
thanks to you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
so I'd appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my wedding
reception.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Before
you throw us out, you might want to listen to what we have to say.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
have proof that your father-in-law is a criminal!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
we won't tell </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">all
your guests</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
how he murdered a man and dumped his body in the sewer... as long as
you pay us five hundred francs.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
blackmailing me at my own wedding?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
day that the barricades fell, I saw Jean Valjean dragging a dead body
through the sewers. I found this on the body!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
shows Marius the stolen ring.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THAT'S
MINE YOU ASSHOLE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wait,
what?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
CRAP JEAN VALJEAN WAS THE ONE WHO SAVED MY LIFE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
throws some money at Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
and runs out with Cosette.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy this party!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know what's funny?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
– the fact that we're still alive when most of the characters with
any redeeming qualities are dead, or that we're something vaguely
resembling rich again?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Both!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
cackle with laughter.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
moral of the story is that people with ideals and convictions will
die horrible deaths, but human cockroaches like us will live long,
full lives!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
pretty sure that's also the moral of Game of Thrones.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Victor
Hugo and George R. R. Martin high-five. The scene changes one last
time – Valjean is alone and dying.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It
sure sucks that I can't see my daughter get married, but I can't come
out of my self-imposed exile because of reasons. Also, I'm pretty
much ready to die now. Beam me up, Jesus!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Fantine's
ghost appears.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
thanks for raising my child and all that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
problem. Does this mean I get to go to heaven?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
sure do!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
and Cosette rush in.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DAD
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
pretty much.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Marius]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YOU SAID HE WAS ON VACATION IN SPAIN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He
told me not to tell!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
just happy to see you both again.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo
I just found out that you're the one who saved my life at the
barricade. Why didn't you ever tell me?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Mostly
because I didn't want to emasculate you in front of my daughter.
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[coughs]
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">By
the way, I think I'm dying.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DAAAAD
YOU DON'T HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE UNTIL YOU AT LEAST GIVE US A
WEDDING GIFT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
fine. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[handing
her a diary] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
is the story of how I'm actually a wanted criminal and your mom was a
prostitute. Happy wedding day!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
dies. </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ponine's
spirit appears and joins Fantine.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Are
you ready?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TO
INFINITY –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine's
Ghost: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
AND BEYOOOOOOND</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
is taken to heaven, where he meets the spirits of everyone who died
over the course of the show. Well... everyone except Javert, because
</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuck</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
that guy.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>All
The Dead People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DO
YOU HEAR OUR SPECTRES SING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SINGING
BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALL
OF OUR LIVES WERE PRETTY AWFUL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">UP
UNTIL OUR DYING BREATHS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BUT
WE'RE ALL IN HEAVEN NOW</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
THAT'S THE ENDING OF THE SHOW – </span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AFTER
THE CURTAIN CALL JUST TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT AND GO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of the show.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-88380554815477048792013-02-24T13:40:00.001-05:002013-05-23T01:05:11.744-04:00Les Misérables, Part II<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/02/les-miserables-part-i.html" target="_blank">Part I</a><i><b> </b></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Act I.V: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Once
Valjean adopts Cosette, the story jumps forward again! We now find
ourselves in Paris in 1832, where we can instantly tell that times
are tough because those gross poor people are everywhere again.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Poor
People: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
YOU'VE HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
BUT NOW – WE'RE DRESSED</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
LIKE GRIMY PIMPS AND WHORES</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Except
me! </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[bowing to the
audience]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Bonjour! I'm Gavroche, the lovable street urchin and your new
narrator!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
already an hour into the show. Why are we getting a narrator </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">now?</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Sch</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ö</span><span style="font-style: normal;">nberg:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">He's
not. He's just a character who directly addresses the audience from
time to time to explain the how the status quo has changed in the ten
years we skipped.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
just described the </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">exact
function</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
of a narrator.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Sch</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ö</span><span style="font-style: normal;">nberg:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Gavroche:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">IN
WEST SAINT MICHELE I WAS BORN AND RAISED</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">IN THE GUTTER IS WHERE I SPENT
MOST OF MY DAYS</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">CHILLING OUT AND SCROUNGING FOR
MORSELS OF FOOD</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">AND PICKING THE POCKETS OF SOME
WEALTHY OLD DUDES</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">My
Readers: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Old
Beggar Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY
GET OFF OF MY BEGGIN' CORNER</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Young
Prostitute:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
NO </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
GET OFF MY </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHORIN'</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
CORNER AND STOP SCARING AWAY MY CUSTOMERS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Old
Beggar Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MAYBE
YOU'D HAVE MORE CUSTOMERS IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM ALL SYPHILIS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Young
Prostitute: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
NO YOU DI–IIIIN'T</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Cue
catfight.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[sighing]</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Calm down, girls. You're </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">both</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
pretty.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Both:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not
even remotely. Now go away.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">A
Pimp: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Actually,
that old beggar woman was the hottest piece of ass here in the Rue
Putain until the pox fucked her face up and made her go crazy.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gross.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Boublil:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
So... practice safe sex, y'all.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Poor
People: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
CAN'T AFFORD CONDOMS</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enter
a group of students, led by Enjolras (who is charismatic, sexy, and
generally awesome) and Marius (who is a useless fucking moron). Guess
which one we'll spend more time with.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OCCUPY
PARIS, BITCHES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[swoon]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WOULD ALSO LIKE TO DO THAT STUFF HE JUST SAID</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck
off.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE US SOME FOOD BECAUSE WE'RE LITERALLY STARVING TO
DEATH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Rich
People:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YOU'RE ONLY POOR BECAUSE OF YOUR BAD DECISIONS AND TERRIBLE WORK
ETHIC AND IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO BE SUCCESSFUL YOU'D PULL YOURSELVES
UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS LIKE </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
DID</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
wait, seriously? It's that easy?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Rich
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ahahahahaha
no. We were born rich.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aw.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Rich
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
even if you work your way up into the middle class, we'll still treat
you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">nouveau-riche</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
assholes like shit because we're just fundamentally better than you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">God</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">dam</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">mit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ONLY
ONE MAN CARES ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What?
No. I mean... I </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">care,</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
but what I </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">meant</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
was ONLY ONE MAN IN A POSITION OF POWER CARES ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE
POOR</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
Bishop of Digne?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No.
Dammit. ONLY ONE MAN IN A POSITION OF POWER WHO IS ALSO NOT A MEMBER
OF THE CLERGY CARES ABOUT –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus
Christ, Marius. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
the audience] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
General Lamarque.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks,
Enjolras! You're so handsome!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YES
IT'S THAT GUY BUT HE'S VERY SICK FOR SOME REASON AND HE MIGHT DIE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Everyone
glares at the young prostitute on the corner.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Young
Prostitute: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT
WASN'T ME I SWEAR</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure
it wasn't.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I ADVOCATE VIOLENCE AS A MEANS
FOR SOCIAL CHANGE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gandhi:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah, let me know how that works out for you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING
PLANNED OUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE THESE KICKASS BARRICADES AND NOTHING
WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Michael
Collins:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;"> So instead of waging
an effective urban warfare campaign and blending into the general
population whenever you're not shooting your enemies in the face,
you're going to proclaim your intent to overthrow the government and
then just stay in one place and let the entire French army descend on
your position?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fool</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">proof.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Michael
Collins: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Goddammit. Why are
the pretty ones always so dumb?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE SUN – HAS GONE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">TO
BED AND SO MUST I</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AUF
WIEDERSEHEN, GOODBYE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NOW A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO ARE UP
TO NO GOOD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WANT
TO CAUSE SOME TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enter
M. and Mme. Thénardier,
looking even sketchier than they did the first time around.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We didn't even know
that was </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">possible.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
know, right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">They
used to run an inn, but it closed as soon as everyone realized it was
a complete shithole and stopped drinking there. And now they run a
gang of pickpockets!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's amazing how much overlap
there is between those two skill sets.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
gestures for the gang to gather around.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay, so everyone knows what
they have to do. You start crying to attract some marks, and </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
keep an eye out for the police with... DAMMIT </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">PONINE
WHERE DID YOU GO</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">She's
busy lusting after some students.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">grumble
grumble lousy no-good daughter</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ponine
scampers across the stage to go see Marius.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">♥
♥ </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,
Mariuuuuuuus </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">♥
♥</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh
– hi, Éponine! How's it going?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">gooooooooooood</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Are
you and your parents running your pickpocket schtick again?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah, but I'd rather spent time with youuuuuuuuu</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[is
completely oblivious]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
What are you doing with all those books?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
a student. Books come with the territory.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Pffffft. Reading is overrated! I'm plenty smart on my own!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>My
Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">we
see what you did there</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
could have gone to school if I wanted to, but I've already learned
everything I need to know from my life on the streets!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
too bad, because the Paris Community College is offering a course
that might be pretty useful for you. It's called “Asking Out Hot
Boys 101: How to Actively Secure Your Own Happiness Instead of
Sitting Around and Feeling Sorry for Yourself and Waiting for Him to
Notice You.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Teenage
Girls in the Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
– EM – </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">GEE</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YOU GUYS CAN JUST SHUT UP BECAUSE </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">PONINE
IS PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND MARIUS IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT KNOWING
THAT SHE LOVES HIM AND IMMEDIATELY LOVING HER BACK BECAUSE THAT'S
TOTALLY HOW EMOTIONS WORK AND STUFF</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone
Else: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks,
Taylor Swift. Now be quiet; the adults are talking.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
kinda cute how you think your simple, feminine brain is capable of
understanding complex concepts!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
think it's cute how you style your hair!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
is the worst flirting ever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">♥
♥ ♥</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
enters with Cosette.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BRB,
I have to go fall in love with someone else now!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
bumps into Cosette.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">♥…</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">♥!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GOD</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">DAM</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">MIT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier
beckons Valjean into a corner.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">How
do you do, good sir! Would you be able to spare some change for a
poor, destitute – HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have no idea what you're talking about.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU'RE
THE GUY WHO BOUGHT COSETTE FROM US</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
CAN'T BUY HER SHE'S A HUMAN BEING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Th</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">nardier's
thugs grab Valjean.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
must have me confused with someone else!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Lies!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
tear open Valjean's shirt to display his sweet prison tats.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
this is awkward.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT IT'S THE COPS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
enters with several police officers and they break up the scuffle.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOW
DARE YOU PEASANT SCUM ATTACK THIS DECENT GOD-FEARING RICH MAN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
Monsieur Inspector –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up, lowlife. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[turning
to Valjean] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
safe now, sir!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Valjean
has disappeared with Cosette.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">By
the way, that guy was totally an ex-convict.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
SHIT IT MUST HAVE BEEN JEAN VALJEAN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Because
Jean Valjean is the only parole violator in </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">all
of France.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHUT
UP I KNOW IT'S HIM</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
other police officers run off to look for Valjean.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sooooo
because I wasn't robbing anyone important, can I go?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah
sure whatever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Everyone
clears the stage so Javert can brood.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMEWHEEEERE
OUUUT THERE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BENEATH
THE PALE MOONLIIIIIIIGHT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMEONE'S
RUNNING FROOOOOOM ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
HIDING IN THE NIIIIIIIGHT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>My
Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HOW VERY LONG I'VE FOLLOWED HIM</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT
HELPS TO THINK THAT I JUST MIGHT BE FINALLY CLOSING IIIIIIIIN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
WHILE HE RUNS AND STAGGERS THROUGH THE COLD AND DAMP NIGHT AIR</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HE
KNOWS THAT HE WILL VERY SOON BE CAPTURED BY JAVEEEEEERT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Orchestra: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Huge
crescendo into the final refrain!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMEWHEEEEERE
OUUUUUT THERE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BEFORE
THE MISTY DAAAAAWN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'LL
CLAP HIM IN IROOOONS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
AT LAST I'LL –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HAVE
CAUGHT JEAN –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">VALJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert's
Fangirls: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[swoon]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Gavroche
enters.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That
police guy thinks he's so great, but I'm </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">way</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
more awesome than he is. In fact, I'm pretty much the main character
of this whole damn show. Just wait and see – I'll be alive and
kicking when everyone around me has gone the way of the dodo!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Victor
Hugo: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
cute how you think that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Gavroche
leaves as </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ponine
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That
girl looked so familiar... if only I could remember who she – HOLY
CRAP IT WAS COSETTE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hi,
</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ponine!
Is there any way you could track down that girl I bumped into before?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Why
thank you, Marius – I'm glad you're safe too! And no, no one in my
family was hurt or arrested in that huge scuffle before.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well
I </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">am</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
glad you're safe, but it's only because I'm going to use you to stalk
some random girl.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
She looked like a stuck-up, spoiled bitch.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">She
was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
don't be that way. You don't count – you're such a good friend that
I hardly even think of you as a girl at all!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease
find her for meeeeeee I'm so in looooooooooove</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FINE
JUST STOP WHINING</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAAAAAY
</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">PONINE
YOU'RE THE BEST</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
you're a jackass.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
is why </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ponine
needs a Sassy Gay Friend.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
and </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">Éponine
go their separate ways. The scene changes to the ABC Cafe, which is
presumably located somewhere along the Rue Sésame. Enjolras and the
other students are inside, drinking and planning their glorious
revolution. The other students all have names – Combeferre,
Courfeyrac, Grantaire, etc. – but good luck telling them apart.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Everyone
in Paris is extremely dissatisfied with the current state of affairs,
so we can </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">definitely</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
count on them to join in our glorious revolution!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Definitely.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Students: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
mean, it's not like they'd </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">say</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
that they believe in some sort of political cause and then not </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">do</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
anything about it except sit around and whine... right?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Of
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">course</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
not. That would be hypocritical.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Enjolras:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
right! If there's one thing we can count on, it's the willingness of
the average person to put his or her life on the line instead of just
sitting on their asses at home and staying safe!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
you guys are pretty much fucked.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
walks in.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MARIUS
WHY ARE YOU LATE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
met a girl today! I'm in </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">love!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOOO
MARIUS IS GOING TO GET LAAAAAID</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Actually,
you can always tell Grantaire apart from the others because he's a
huge bro and he's drunk all the time. He's kinda great.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GRATUITOUS
DON GIOVANNI REFERENCE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up, Grantaire. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Marius]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Look, man – you need to decide what's more important to you: some
random girl you just met, or planning and participating in a bloody
revolution.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH
MAN BROS BEFORE HOS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
not helping.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But...
but... she's pretty!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know what else is pretty? Our vision of a utopian France where
everyone is treated with dignity and respect! WON'T YOU HELP ME
ACHIEVE THAT GOAL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
I wanna get laaaaaaaaid</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
what prostitutes are for, bro.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">For
once, I agree with Grantaire. Women are a dime a dozen –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Actually,
the good ones are more like twenty francs...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
but freedom is </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">priceless!</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Could
you make your point again with some sort of color-based metaphor?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">With
gusto!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
picks up a checkerboard from a nearby table.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE
RED STANDS FOR BLOOD AND THE BLACK STANDS FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT
WE'RE SICK OF</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[whining]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
The red stands for my heart and the black stands for my despair if I
can't be with her!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MARIUS
IT'S TIME TO MAN UP AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
–</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Just
so everyone knows, this next line is a direct quote:]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHO
CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaaand
this is why Enjolras is awesome.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOOO</span><b>
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE
RED STANDS FOR BLOOD AND THE BLACK STANDS FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT
WE'RE SICK OF</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So,
boys – we don't have much time left! Do we have all our weapons and
supplies?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuup!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
running a bit low on Natty Ice, bro.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Go
home, Grantaire; you're drunk.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
are you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Gavroche
rushes in.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Gavroche:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
SHIT YOU GUYS GENERAL LAMARQUE JUST DIED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MY
BROTHERS THIS IS THE SIGN WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TO BEGIN OUR
GLORIOUS REVOLUTION</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
what would you guys have done if he'd gotten better?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up. TOMORROW WE SHALL RAISE THE BARRICADES AND ALL OF PARIS WILL
RALLY BEHIND US</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
hope.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WANT EVERYONE TO GET UP AND GO TO THEIR WINDOWS AND SHOUT “WE'RE
MAD AS HELL AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Students: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH
WE ARE GONNA BE SINGING SOME ANGRY SONGS WHILE WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR
LIVES AND A LOT OF US ARE PROBABLY GONNA DIE BUT IT'S ALL FOR THE
GREATER GOOOOOOOD</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOORAY
FOR MARTYRDOM</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
scene changes to Valjean's house on the Rue Plumet. Cosette is
standing out in the garden.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">oh
man I don't understand all of these feels I'm experiencing right now</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
what do these feels feel like?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
I feel excited and confused and a little scared and also kinda
hungry.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
probably love.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuup.
God only knows why, though; Marius is a complete fucking moron.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
he's so pretty!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure,
if you go for that sort of thing. Also, the hunger is probably
unrelated to you being in love, so you might want to eat a sandwich
or something.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
so excited! I just want him to come and find me and take me in his
arms... I've been alone for so long that I never imagined having
someone to share my life with!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rude.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Cosette:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
don't count, dad; I can't make out with you.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Fanfiction
Writers: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Challenge
accepted!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Everyone
Else: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gross.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
okay. I know that you're almost a grown woman now, and you probably
want some company other than the old man who keeps you locked up in
the house all day.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
when did this show turn into </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sweeney
Todd</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Cosette:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you'd tell me some stuff about your
mysterious past! Or maybe explain why you felt the need to run away
from those police officers today.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nooope.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Cosette:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
–</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><i>Noooooooope.</i>
You're still to young to hear that story.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Cosette:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">DAD
I'M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD I'M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN NOW</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">By
the standards of the time, she's practically a spinster already.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Cosette:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
GOD I'M A SPINSTER</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">CALM
YOUR TITS YOU'LL FIND OUT THE TRUTH WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
goes back inside. Marius and Éponine enter on the street outside the
garden gate.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MY
GOD</span><b> </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
SO CLOSE TO THE WOMAN I LOVE I'M PRACTICALLY IN HEAVEN ALREADY </span></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That
sound you hear is me throwing up in my mouth.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Marius:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">THANK
YOU ÉPONINE YOU'RE THE BEST TOTALLY PLATONIC FRIEND A GUY COULD EVER
ASK FOR</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oh, for fuck's sake.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, you could always tell him how you feel.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
thanks, I think I'm gonna sit here and keep suffering in silence.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
we didn't know you were Catholic!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
approaches the garden gate.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WAY,
WAY DOWN INSIDE, HONEY YOU NEED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEEEYYYYYYYYY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WANNA
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[coming
to the gate] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">do</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
want a whole lot of love!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">My
name is Marius! What's yours?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
Cosette!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is
it weird that I had someone follow you back to your house after I
bumped into you on the street today?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yes.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not
at all! I think it's romantic!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
is wonderful! We're together at last!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">yaaaaaaaaaaaaay</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[vomits]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
know, right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WANNA GIVE YOU EVERY INCH OF MY LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WANNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEEEEEYYYY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WANNA
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHAKE
FOR ME, GIRL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WANNA BE YOUR BACKDOOR MAN</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Whooooaaaaaaaaa.
Slow your roll, motherfucker.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Too
soon?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ummm...
yeah. That's, like, third date material at the </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">earliest</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[sadly]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
He never offered to be </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">my</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
backdoor man...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
probably a good thing. Marius is pretty much </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">the
worst ever.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius
and Cosette: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
LOVE EACH OTHER SOOO MUUUUUUUUCH</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">EAT
A DICK</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Montparnasse,
a member of Thénardier's gang, enters and notices Éponine.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Montparnasse:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
fuck are </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
doing here?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
could ask you the same question.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Montparnasse:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
nothing. We're just gonna rob this house.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuuuuuuuck.
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
herself]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
On the one hand, I'd </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">love</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
to see Cosette and her old man get robbed blind – but on the </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">other</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
hand, Marius would hate me if he thought I was involved with this.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Thénardier
enters with the rest of the gang.]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
everyone; here's the deal. The guy who lives in this house bought a
little girl from me about ten years ago – and since he's rich and
we're poor now, I think we should collect some interest.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
not how interest works.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Who
the fuck are you?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Brujon:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">She's
your daughter, moron.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh.
Huh.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
it's either really dark outside or he's got some serious dementia.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Can
it be both?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Go
home, Éponine. We don't need you for this job.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
don't need </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">anyone</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
because he doesn't have anything worth stealing and maybe we should
leave him alone!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have never been more ashamed to call you my daughter.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Montparnasse:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just
stay out of our way, all right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
going to stop you from robbing that house, one way or the other.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
how exactly do you plan on doing that?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Éponine
used SCREAM! It's super effective!]</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Montparnasse:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FUCK
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GODDAMMIT
ÉPONINE THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T STEAL NICE THINGS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
gang scatters.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Éponine,
you totally scared away all the bad guys! That was totally awesome!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[blushing]
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
I don't like to brag, but –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cosette!
This is Éponine, the girl who brought me here! She just saved you
from a gang of robbers!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ohmy</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">gawd</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Éponine thank you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">sooooo</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
much! Maybe you can be a bridesmaid when Marius and I get married!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[hisses]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Someone's
coming! Let's hide!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Marius
and Éponine scurry away as Valjean enters from the house.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
THE HELL WHO JUST SCREAMED</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
that was totally me. There were some creepy-looking dudes outside of
the gate and I got scared.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT IT MUST HAVE BEEN JAVERT HE'S CAUGHT UP WITH ME AT LAST</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
this is an intervention. You and Javert are obviously obsessed with
each other, so can you guys just hate-fuck and get it over with?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
think you guys might have misunderstood the meaning of the term
“intervention.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T
RUIN OUR FANTASIES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">COSETTE
PACK YOUR SHIT WE'RE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF PARIS FIRST THING
TOMORROW</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">daaaaaaaaaaaaaad
–</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JUST
SHUT UP AND DO IT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
now for the big ensemble finale, where all the characters close out
the act by singing about important events that are looming in the
next act!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
super original and no one's ever done anything like it before!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leonard
Bernstein: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">A</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">hem</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
sorry.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leonard
Bernstein: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Damn
straight.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[One
by one, all the main characters appear onstage and announce their
plans for the second act.]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
going to get the hell out of town!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette
and Marius: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
NO WE MIGHT NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN BUT OUR LOVE WILL BE ETERNAL</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
going to make Marius </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">finally
notice me</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
by participating in the revolution! What could </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">possibly</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
go wrong?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enjolras:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOON
WE SHALL ERECT OUR BARRICADES AND SPREAD GLORIOUS REVOLUTION THROUGH
A SMALL SECTION OF THE PARIS SLUMS</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Should
I follow Cosette to wherever she's going, or would that be kinda
creepy?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
going to go undercover and infiltrate the rebel movement so I can
learn their plans!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
a terrible idea for two reasons. First of all, </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">everyone
knows who you are</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
because you walk around shouting “I AM THE LAAAW” and telling
every criminal you encounter to remember your name.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
but –</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
the </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">second</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
problem is that the entirety of the rebel plan consists of erecting
shoddy walls in the middle of the city and </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">sitting
around waiting to get shot at.</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Why bother risking your life when their cause is already doomed to
spectacular failure?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Thénardiers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
gonna loot some corpses! Hooraaaaaay</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Marius:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Enjolras]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Well, since my lady-love is leaving town, I guess I'll stay and fight
for freedom or whatever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Grantaire:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOOOOOO
LET'S RAISE THOSE BRO-RICADES</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">when</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
is this all gonna happen?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AT
THE END OF THE DAAAAAAAAY</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No,
goddammit. That number already happened.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TOOONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Leonard
Bernstein: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[growls]</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ONE
DAY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of Act I.]</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/05/les-miserables-part-iii.html" target="_blank">Part III</a></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-49577216960096242492013-02-04T00:29:00.000-05:002013-06-10T16:36:34.824-04:00Les Misérables, Part I<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">[<b>Note: </b>For anyone who's wondering, this is the synopsis of the stage version and not the movie. Also, don't bother complaining that this is a musical and not an opera, because <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/08/oklahoma-act-i.html" target="_blank">a precedent</a> for this sort of thing has already been set.]</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Les Misérables</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">A musical in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/02/les-miserables-part-ii.html">Part II</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/05/les-miserables-part-iii.html">Part III</a>)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Music: </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Claude-Michel Schönberg</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Lyrics: </i>Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Book: </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Claude-Michel Schönberg and Alain Boublil</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Based on Victor Hugo's 1862 novel of the same name.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[<b>Act I:</b> The show opens on a
chain gang in Toulon in 1815, doing... whatever it is that chain
gangs do.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Prisoners: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BREAKING
ROCKS IN THE – HOT SUN</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE – LAW WON</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Claude-Michel Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wrong kind of chain gang, guys.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Prisoners:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
IIIIIII AM A MAAAAAN OF CONSTANT SORROOOW</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
SEEN TROOOOUBLE ALL MY DAAAAAYS</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alain Boublil:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Still not right.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Prisoners:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OR
YOU MIGHT STUB YOUR TOE</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AND
THAT WOULD SUCK, YOU KNOW</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Better.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Prisoner: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
JESUS THIS IS THE WORST TORTURE EVER</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jesus:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
No sympathy. Talk to me again when you've been scourged and
crucified.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random Prisoner:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Dammit.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edmond Dantès:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Man, I can't wait to get free
and return to my beloved Merc</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">d</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">è</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">s!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mercédès:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeeeah, about that. I married your best friend and now we've got a
kid. Sorry!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edmond Dantès:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
FUCK</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Victor Hugo:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
OH COME ON THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT NOVEL</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alexandre Dumas:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
You're just jealous 'cause my story's cooler than yours.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Victor Hugo:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
You shut your whore mouth, Dumas. I will </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">cut</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Me:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Though it does raise the question of why no one has turned The Count
of Monte Cristo into an opera yet.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Philip
Glass:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I'll do it!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Me:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
one's talking to you.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Philip
Glass: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">:(</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Sch</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ö</span><span style="font-style: normal;">nberg:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE SHOW</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Everyone:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fiiiiiine.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Enter
Inspector Javert, an eternally grumpy policeman who sees the world in
black-and-white terms and says stupid shit like “I am the law.”
Come to think of it, he's pretty much the Judge Dredd of 19</span><sup><span style="font-weight: normal;">th</span></sup><span style="font-weight: normal;">
century France.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Half
of my Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Either
that or Judge Dredd is the Javert of the future.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know what I mean. Shut up.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Other Half of my Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Who's
Judge Dredd?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
SOMEONE BRING ME PRISONER TWENTY-FOUR-THOUSAND-SIX-HUNDRED-AND-ONE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
… you're supposed to say the numbers individually.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh.
TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-ONE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert's
Fangirls: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[swoon]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Jean
Valjean approaches Javert, looking all haggard and dirty and shit.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
IT IS TIME FOR YOUR PAROLE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YAAAAY I'M FREE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YOU'RE NOT FREE YOU'RE STILL ON PAROLE AND STUFF SO YOU MUST ALWAYS
WEAR THIS SIGN THAT SAYS “I AM AN EVIL EX-CONVICT”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
stupid and so are you. I only stole a loaf of bread to feed my
sister's family.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THAT
MAKES YOU A THIEF AND THIEVES ARE SERVANTS OF THE DEVIL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
What about Robin Hood? He stole shit all the time, and I'm pretty
sure no one thinks </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">he</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
was a servant of the devil.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
He was English. That's even worse.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Whatever. Nineteen years of hard labor seems like an excessive
punishment for a single loaf of bread.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Hey, now. It was just gonna be </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">five</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
years, but then you tried to run away like a total pussy a bunch of
times. You brought the other fourteen years on yourself, 24601.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[à
la 007]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
The name's Jean. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Val</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">jean.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah, I don't care. Just make sure you remember </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">my</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
name, because in the event that you do something stupid – like,
say, breaking your parole and assuming a new identity – I will
pretty much shirk all of my other responsibilities and hunt you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">even
to the ends of the earth.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
That sounds like a waste of time and effort.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah well I AM THE LAAAAAW</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oookay. You have fun with that.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
leaves.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Prisoners: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOOK
UP, LOOK UP</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE
SCENE'S ABOUT TO CHANGE</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOOK
UP, LOOK UP</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">CHECK
OUT OUR TURNING STAGE</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">whooooaaaaa</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
walks in place while the stage rotates beneath his feet. The moving
set is arguably the most worthwhile part of the show.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Half
of my Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
TAKE THAT BACK</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Look,
I thought this was a really awesome musical back in high school –
but these days, I want to hear more than five constantly recycled
melodies if I'm gonna be sitting in a theater for three hours.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Half
of my Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">grumble
grumble</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
It's so great to be free! I feel like I'm walking through a whole new
world and seeing everything from a new fantastic point of view!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Walt
Disney:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey.
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
will fuck your shit </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">up</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">In
any case, I'm completely positive that life is going to be awesome
from this point on!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Montage
of Valjean's Life Sucking: GO!]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Farmer: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
not going to pay you as much as my other day-laborers because you're
a convict and also because fuck you.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Innkeeper:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Also</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
also, we've got no room at the inn for pieces of shit like you.
You'll have to sleep in the stable.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Christ
metaphor!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Is that intentional?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I mean, he pretty much dies for everyone's sins at the end of the
show.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
SPOILER ALERT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
were even gonna change his name to Jesus Valjesus, but we thought
that might be too obvious.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Because subtlety is totally your strong point.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
glad you noticed!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[But
just when Valjean seems to be on the verge of total despair...]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
FUCK MY LIFE AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[…
he meets the Bishop of Digne, who is probably the only truly virtuous
member of the clergy in the entire history of French literature.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hello,
Monsieur Complete-Stranger! You look tired and hungry!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
You think?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Come
inside! We've got plenty of food and warm beds in the rectory.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks!
I promise you won't regret this! By the way, do you mind showing me
the exact location of all of your valuables?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Sure!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
goes inside, where the bishop gives him food and drink. Valjean waits
until the bishop is asleep, and then promptly steals all of the
bishop's shit.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
a douche.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey!
I was sentenced to hard labor for </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">nineteen
years of my life</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">,
so ex</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">cuuuse</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
me if the experience has left me bitter and broken!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
but... stealing from the one person who treats you like a human
being? Not cool, man.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nineteen
fucking years!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
still a douche.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Whatever. I'm gonna go sell this stuff and buy a bunch of cocaine and
hookers.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
attempts to run away, but is promptly caught by some police
officers.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Police Officers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What's
in the bag, sir?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DEFINITELY
NOTHING STOLEN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Police Officers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
do realize you just gave us probable cause to search you, right?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Fuuuuuck.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[They
find the stolen silverware and drag him back to the Bishop of Digne.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Police Officers:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
We found the guy who stole all your shit, Your Excellency. And he had
the nerve to claim it was a gift from you!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
It totally was. I gave it to him of my own free will!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Isn't
lying a sin?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Valjean]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
But you were in such a hurry to leave that you forgot to take my
candlesticks! They're hella valuable.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Uh... thanks?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
as you can see, officers, there's been no crime committed here. But
thanks for being so vigilant!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
police leave.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
what just happened?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
What just happened is I saved your life, so now you owe me. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Big
time.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
isn't going to turn into some weird sex thing, is it?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hell</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
no. Here's the deal: since I pretty much just bankrupted my parish to
help you out – even though you were a complete stranger who fucked
me over and gave me </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">every
reason</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
not to trust you or give you any sort of aid whatsoever – you're in
some serious karmic debt that can only be repaid by using this money
to become someone who's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not
a complete asshole</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
Got it?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wow.
I don't know what to say.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">“Thank
you” would be nice.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
feel... strange. Like an invisible weight has suddenly been placed on my shoulders.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Bishop:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
That's Catholic guilt. Welcome to the rest of your life!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The
Bishop leaves. Valjean proceeds to have a complete mental breakdown.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
shit piss balls hell ass tits fuckmothering </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">whore</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Wow.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He
has a lot of feelings right now.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
THAT OLD PRIESTY ASSHOLE DOESN'T KNOW ME OR WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO
FUCK HIM but maybe he's right, I mean I was kind of being a dick BUT
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AFTER NINETEEN YEARS OF HARD LABOR but he was
really nice to me and maybe I should be nice to other people from now
on too EXCEPT DAMMIT NOW I FEEL ALL ASHAMED AND CATHOLIC AND STUFF
but I guess now that I'm rich I could just create a new identity and
forget that Jean Valjean ever existed!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Victor
Hugo: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
almost cute how you think that's gonna happen.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
tears up the paper identifying him as a criminal. Fast-forward to
1823! Valjean is now the owner of a factory in Montreuil-sur-Mer, as
well as being the fucking </span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">mayor
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">because
he's just that badass. He's not doing a great job at mayoring,
though, because his town is overrun with the worst kind of vermin
imaginable: poor people.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AT
THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE ANOTHER DAY OLDER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
and every hour makes you another hour older. That's pretty fucking
self-evident.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AT
THE END OF THE NIGHT IT'S THE START OF THE MORNING</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Also self-evident. Any other pearls of wisdom to dispense?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
AT THE END OF A MEAL YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD LEFT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">At
the end of the show, we're not going to clap when you bow.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rude.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
So is there any point to this scene, other than you guys saying a
bunch of obvious shit and trying to make it sound meaningful?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Poor
People: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Mostly
we're just around to illustrate the dissatisfaction of the common man
with the state of affairs at this point in French history.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Hooray.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The
factory workers enter with their foreman. One of the workers is a
young woman named Fantine – you can recognize her by the aura of
pure, heavenly light which surrounds her at all times.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AT
THE END OF THE DAY I WANT SOMEONE TO BONE ME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Factory Workers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Man,
wouldn't it be nice if there were laws prohibiting sexual harassment
in the workplace?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Quiet! There's no talking in the factory, unless you're being </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">super
bitchy</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
about one of your co-workers.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Maybe the foreman would be in a better mood if Fantine would stop
being such a fucking prude and start putting out.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Better.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Factory Workers:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE JOBS WE ARE ALSO DISSATISFIED WITH THE CURRENT
ECONOMIC CLIMATE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
HEY FANTINE ARE YOU READING A LETTER LET ME SEE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
NO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Random
Woman takes the letter anyway and starts reading it.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT FANTINE HAS A BASTARD CHILD</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Factory Workers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ohhhhh
snap</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A SLUTTY SLUT SLUT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I'M NOT A SLUT YOU'RE A SLUT SO SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MY LETTER BACK</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
NNNNOPE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Fantine
bitch-slaps Random Woman. The two of them start fighting. Valjean
enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
THE HELL IS ALL THIS COMMOTION AND DID I MENTION I'M THE OWNER OF
THIS FACTORY AND ALSO THE MAYOR</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Factory Workers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
know who you are, Mayor Definitely-Not-A-Parole-Violator.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
pronounced “Violateur.” </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
the foreman]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Sort this mess out, would you? I know you'll handle the matter with
fairness and discretion, because I'm an excellent judge of character
when it comes to the people I employ.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
totally.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
leaves.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sooo...
what happened here?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Random
Woman: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[pointing
to Fantine]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
She hit me in the face and also she has a secret love-child that
she's sending money to!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
have a child out of wedlock, but you haven't yielded to my gross
sexual advances?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
because I have this thing called “self-respect.”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
awesome. You'll have to tell me all about that some other time
because YOU'RE FIRED.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wait,
what? What happened to fairness and discretion?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Foreman: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[shrug]
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Meh.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
fine! You can take my job, but you'll never be able to take away my
dignity!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Two
minutes later:]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine
the Prostitute:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME FOR MONEY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[But
some other stuff happens first.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
had this really weird dream last night, you guys.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Really?
Do tell.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
it was mostly about my life being awesome and not even remotely
terrible and meeting my true love and getting married and having
babies and being together forever. But then a bunch of tigers showed
up and they started eating me and destroying my life and I'm pretty
sure they were just some sort of bizarre metaphor for my baby-daddy.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
huh.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
and by the way, I've decided to give in to crushing despair.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sounds
like a plan!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
wanders down to the docks, which are littered with whores and horny
sailors.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Whores: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">LOVELY
LADIES, WAITING FOR A BITE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Sailors: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
your use of the word “bite” doesn't exactly inspire confidence in
the quality of your blowjobs.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Whores: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
a figure of speech. Most of us don't even have any teeth to speak of.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Sailors: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Confidence
re-inspired!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Anyone
want to buy a locket?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Some
Old Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaand
now I have nothing else to sell.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Different Old Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'll
pay you for your pretty hair!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
creepy and so are you.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Different Old Woman: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ten
francs.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">LET'S
GO GET SOME SCISSORS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Fantine
and the old woman exit.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Whores: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY
SISTER, GO SISTER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOUL
SISTER, FLOW SISTER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Fantine
re-enters, minus her hair.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Pimp:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Hey, who's that?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Whore:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oh, no one. Just some random woman who's desperate to earn enough
money to keep her daughter alive.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>A
Pimp: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
desperate, eh?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Whores: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY
THIS IS A REALLY EASY WAY TO MAKE SOME MONEY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sign
me up!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[And
so Fantine becomes a prostitute.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Whores: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HEY
SISTER, SOUL SISTER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BETTER
GET THAT DOUGH, SISTER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, this isn't actually that bad. Well, except for the whole “being
dead on the inside” part.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
fancy gentleman by the name of Bamatabois shows up, looking for a
little action.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Bamatabois:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hey,
I don't recognize you. How much?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not
interested. You look like a douche.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Bamatabois:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
the – THAT'S NOT HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK YOU LITTLE SLUT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FUCK
OFF</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[She
bitch-slaps him, because that's apparently how she deals with all of
her problems.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
did you not learn your lesson the first time?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Fantine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Pattern
recognition is </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
my strong suit.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
noticed.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Bamatabois:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOW
DARE YOU STRIKE ME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Fantine:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah...
sorry about that.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Bamatabois:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
SHALL SEE YOU THROWN IN PRISON</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Enter
Inspector Javert, because of course he's there. He's accompanied by a
couple constables.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
AM THE LAAAAAAWWWW</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Bamatabois:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Inspector!
I was just minding my own business when this crazy whore attacked me
for no reason!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hmm...
you appear to have money, so it's clear that you're a virtuous man
and that I can trust you to tell the truth.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Bamatabois:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Totally.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
crowd begins to gather and watch the drama unfold. ]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Officers!
Place this woman under arrest at once!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">PLEASE
DON'T ARREST ME I HAVE A DAUGHTER AND SHE'LL DIE WITHOUT ME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Save
your stories, foul temptress; I've heard them all before. “I have a
daughter!” “I only stole that bread to feed my sister's family!”
“I was framed!” “You just knowingly destroyed the one piece of
evidence that could prove my innocence!”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
wait, seriously?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Long
story short – I can't trust anything you say because you're a
criminal, and I can </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">tell</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you're a criminal because you're dressed in rags and you have the
haircut of a depraved lesbian.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TAKE
HER AWAY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[All
of a sudden, Valjean steps out of the crowd.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Deus
ex mayor!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aw,
dammit.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Leave
her alone, Javert. I believe her story.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
Monsieur Mayor – </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
don't want to hear it. She needs our help.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YEAH
YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT WHEN YOU LET YOUR FOREMAN FIRE ME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
that was you?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YUUUUUP</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
shit.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dooooouche.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Fantine]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Don't worry! We'll get you to a hospital right away!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Why
exactly does she need to be in a hospital? She's been a whore for
like... two days. Or maybe more. It's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">really</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
hard to judge the passing of time in this show, by the way.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
She contracted super-fast-acting syphilis or something.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">cough
cough oh I'm so sick all of a sudden</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Boublil:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">See?
There you go.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Also,
could you find my daughter and bring her to me?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sure
thing!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
–</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No
buts, Javert.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
haven't arrested anyone in almost a week! I need my fix!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Calm your tits. I'm sure you'll find a jaywalker to harass or something.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[There
is a loud crash.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Crowd: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT SOME POOR BASTARD JUST GOT TRAPPED UNDER A CART</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Stand
aside, citizens!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
hulks out and lifts the cart, freeing the man trapped underneath.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fauchelevant:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THANK
YOU FOR SAVING ME YOU'RE LIKE SOME SORT OF CHRIST FIGURE OR SOMETHING</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
do my best.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Crowd: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAAAAY
WE HAVE THE COOLEST MAYOR EVER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
You know, Monsieur Definitely-Not-A-Parole-Violateur, your display of
freakish strength reminds me of a man that I once swore to hunt to
the ends of the earth.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Even
though this man of whom you speak sounds pretty badass and also very
handsome, I'm not sure I like what you're implying.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">My
apologies, monsieur. The only other person I've seen do something
like that is a man named Jean Valjean, but you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">can't</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
be him because we just found and arrested him!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean: </b>Wait, you did <i>what</i>now?</span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We caught Jean Valjean! He's going to spend the rest of his miserable life back in the chain
gang.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
just gonna go out on a limb and guess that he's denying
everything...?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
but criminals do that. Anywho, have fun with that whore you rescued!
I'm just going to go condemn this guy to a life of slavery and
back-breaking labor. Hey, wouldn't it be awkward if we had the wrong
guy for some reason? I bet the real Valjean would feel </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">super
guilty</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
about letting an innocent man take his place.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
that sounds like it would be totally terrible for that “Valjean”
guy I've never met and know nothing about.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
sure his conscience would torture him for the rest of his life. It
might even be worse than the chain gang.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YES
THANK YOU JAVERT YOU CAN LEAVE NOW</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Javert
leaves and the crowd disperses, leaving Valjean alone onstage.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
god</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">damm</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">it.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuup.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">On
the one hand, I could let a complete stranger be convicted and
punished for my crimes and I'd never have to be afraid of being
caught ever again – but I'd have to live with the knowledge that I
sent an innocent man to his death. One the other hand, I could
abandon my workers and my constituents, all of whom rely on me in one
way or another, and confess that I'm Jean Valjean – but at least I
wouldn't be screwing anyone over. Well, except for all those people
that I'd leave unemployed, but </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuck</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
those guys. They're not even named characters!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Your
moral logic is impeccable.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">All
that matters is that I take care of Fantine, because she's a
beautiful, unique snowflake and this show's representation of
everything pure and good in the world! Which I guess is kinda weird,
considering that she's a prostitute with a bastard child who
frequently resorts to violence to solve her problems.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
SHUT UP FANTINE IS PERFECT</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Valjean:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Long
story short – even if it royally fucks my life up, I can't just let
some other guy take my punishment.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[And
suddenly he's in court, because that makes sense.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Who
am I? I'M TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He
tears open his shirt, partly to show off his sweet prison tats, but
mostly because he has PECS OF STEEL.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everybody:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[And
then Valjean runs away before anyone can arrest him. The scene
changes to a hospital, where Fantine is dying because reasons.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">cough
cough I'm so sick y'all</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Apparently.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[hallucinating]
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">COSETTE
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO BED AND ALSO I'M DYING AND STUFF</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Valjean
enters.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">How
are you feeling?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Look
at all the lonely people!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Where
do they all come from? Where </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">do</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
they all belong?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ooookay.
You're clearly feverish and crazy.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">a
blee blee bloo blah</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hush,
my darling prostitute. Sleep the sweet sleep of death.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WAIT
WHAT ABOUT COSETTE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'll
adopt her and raise her as my own daughter!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">yaaaaaay</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
I promise to be an overbearing and unnecessarily protective father!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">booooo</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
just shut up and die already.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Fantine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span><b>
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">'kay.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
dies. Enter Javert!]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He
might be an asshole, but at least he has impeccable timing.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
WHAT'S UP FUCKER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
This really isn't a good time, Javert.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT'S
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">GO</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
TIME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
have to adopt and raise a child first, but I promise you can
re-arrest me in ten years or so!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
have </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">got</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
to be shitting me.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nope,
sorry.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Do you think I'm an idiot?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
don't want me to answer that question, do you.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Javert:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WILL NEVER LET YOU GO BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRIMINAL AND I AM THE LAW AND
I MUST VANQUISH YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS FURY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY JAVERT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
breaks the leg off of a chair and bonks Javert on the head. Javert
falls over and Valjean escapes.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
that was anticlimactic.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
scene changes to an inn in Montfermeil owned by the Thénardiers, the
wacky comic relief characters who are taking care of Cosette. And by
that, I mean “using Cosette as unpaid child labor.” She's
sweeping the floor and singing in a tremulous, waif-ish voice.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Tra
la laaaa I like to dream about castles and clouds and ladies dressed
in whiiiiite</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Weird
dreams must run in the family.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
And in my cloud castle, no one is allowed to cry. Ever. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Or
else.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're
creepy. Didn't we see you in a Japanese horror movie or something?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
NO I HEAR MADAME THÉNARDIER COMING BACK AND I'M NOT DONE WITH MY
CHORES YET</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Mme.
Thénardier enters with her daughter, Éponine.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
THE FUCK COSETTE AREN'T YOU DONE YET</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Child
labor. You get what you pay for.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GO
INTO THE DARK SCARY WOODS AND GET SOME WATER FROM THE WELL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
But I don't wannaaaaaaa</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHY
ARE YOU SO STUPID AND AWFUL WHY CAN'T YOU BE PRETTY AND AWESOME LIKE
MY DAUGHTER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">PLEASE
DON'T SEND ME OUT ALONE INTO THE WOODS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHY
ARE YOU STILL HERE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[whimper]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Éponine:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GTFO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Cosette
scurries out as Monsieur Thénardier enters. The inn's evening
customers begin to arrive.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BRING
US SOMETHING TO DRINK</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OKAY
SURE you fucking scumbags.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Schönberg:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT'S
FUNNY BECAUSE WHAT HE SAYS AND WHAT HE ACTUALLY THINKS ARE DIFFERENT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
yeah, thanks.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
love coming here because it's such a dive and Thénardier is an
untrustworthy piece of shit who has been known to literally rob
corpses!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
not a good reason to frequent a place of business.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
But I love them because they keep giving me their money!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THE
FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT AND THE WINE TASTES LIKE PISS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SO
WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
new customer comes in, and is greeted enthusiastically by
Thénardier.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BONJOUR
PLEASE COME IN AND HAVE A SEAT IN THE MOST REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENT IN
TOWN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>New
Customer: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sounds
trustworthy!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
MASTER OF MY DOMAIN, KING OF THE CASTLE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BLAH
BLAH BLAH I'M STEALING ALL YOUR SHIT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TRA
LA LA LA HE'LL ROB YOU FUCKING BLIND</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
DON'T LEAVE YOUR BELONGINGS LYING AROUND OR THEY'LL DISAPPEAR AND YOU
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ORDER FOOD OR DRINK HERE BECAUSE IT'S ALL MADE
FROM SPOILED INGREDIENTS AND LACED WITH ROHYPNOL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YAAAAAAAY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
YOU'RE AN AWFUL HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS AND STUPID AND YOU
HAVE A TINY PENIS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Customers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">IT'S
FUNNY BECAUSE SHE SAID PENIS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Thénardier:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
TAKE THAT BACK</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mme.
Thénardier: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NNNNOPE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOORAY
FOR STABLE MARRIAGES AND SHITTY INNS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Some
time passes and the customers file out. Valjean enters with Cosette
in tow and confronts the Thénardiers.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
found her wandering alone in the woods!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
kinda creepy.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
made a promise to her dead mother to raise her as my own child, so
I'm taking her away with me and I'll pay you to let her go.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
that's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">really</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
creepy. You're literally trying to </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">buy
a little girl </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">right
now.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Thénardiers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You'll
pay us, huh?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuup.
How much for the little girl?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Thénardiers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BUT
WE LOVE COSETTE SO MUCH AND SHE'S SO DEAR TO US</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHUT
UP AND TAKE MY MONEY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
pays them.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Thénardiers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
all well and good, but she was always sick and we had to buy medicine
and food and stuff and Fantine never really sent us that much money.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Look,
here's fifteen hundred francs. I'm taking Cosette now and you
assholes can go to hell.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Thénardiers:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
WOOOO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Valjean
and Cosette leave the inn.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hi,
Cosette! I'm your new daddy!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yay!
Are we going to move into a new house?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
are!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
will I finally be allowed to play outside with the other children?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Valjean:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hell</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
no. I'm literally never letting you out of my sight.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Cosette:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">:(</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of Act I.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thank
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">god.</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
We've had to piss for the last half hour.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Just
kidding. Act I is only half over.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br>Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/02/les-miserables-part-ii.html">Part II</a><br /></span></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-44576187314084464442013-01-20T14:36:00.001-05:002013-01-20T14:42:12.210-05:00Il trovatore, Act IV<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installments: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/12/il-trovatore-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-iii.html" target="_blank">Act III</a></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Act IV: The Punishment *</span></b></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">
* Since this opera is hell-bent on disappointing me at every turn,
this act doesn't end with a medieval version of the Punisher showing up and shooting everyone in the face.
Thanks for <i>nothing</i>, Verdi.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Scene I: </b>A
wing of the castle of Aliaferia. A tower can be seen in the
background, which is apparently where Manrico has been imprisoned.
Two cloaked figures enter and lower their hoods, revealing themselves
to be Leonora and Ruiz.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Well, <i>that</i>
could have gone better.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Gee, you think?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
I mean... it wasn't a bad plan, per se. It's just that the <i>execution</i>
of said plan left something to be desired.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
<i>What</i>
plan? You guys just ran out of the castle, yelling and waving your
swords. It's no wonder most of you were killed or captured.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Your negativity is not appreciated.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Shut the fuck up. Also, “execution” was a pretty poor choice of
words, considering what's in store for my beloved Manrico.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Yeeeah. My bad.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
And while we're on the subject of dick moves, let's talk about why
you apparently abandoned your best friend/my lover in the middle of a
battle and let him get captured.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b>Because Ruiz isn't a suicidal
moron?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Look. We can sit here all day and play the blame game, or we can
figure out how to rescue Manrico.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
There's no “we.” It's just me. Get the fuck out of here.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Are you serious? I helped you escape Castellor! And – against my
better judgement, I might add – I helped you break into the enemy
stronghold!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b>
Actually, that's pretty awesome. This guy's kind of a badass.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz: </b>Long
story short, <i>you need me</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Nope! This ring on my hand is all the protection I need!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Whatever, Green Lantern. Just try not to get your dumb ass killed.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Actually, getting my dumb ass killed is <i>crucial</i>
to my plan.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
<i>[facepalm]</i>
Okay, fuck this noise. I'm out of here.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b>
NOOOO RUIZ DON'T LEAVE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S REMOTELY COMPETENT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
Goddamn right I am.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[He
leaves, taking with him everyone else's capacity to make good
decisions. From this point on, all the characters act like complete
jackasses.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b>
… and how, exactly, is that different from the other three acts?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b>
Touché.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Rude.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
<i>[stroking
her ring]</i>
Yes, my precious, you shall be my salvation...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Is she –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
… preciousssssss …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
– she is. Okay.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
It's so wonderful to be back in the presence of my beloved – or,
you know, the general vicinity of my beloved!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
You're just a big bag full of crazy, aren't you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>Even
though he doesn't know I'm here, it would be awesome if the breeze
could carry my feelings of love to his cell and comfort him in his
loneliness!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Breeze:</b>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">whooooosh
okay but that's really not how air currents work whooooooooosh</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Priests:</b>
<i>[offstage]</i>
DEAR GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON THIS GUY WE'RE ABOUT TO PUT TO DEATH
EVEN THOUGH HE TOTALLY HAS IT COMING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>OH
GOD THEY'RE GONNA KILL MANRICO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
<i>[offstage]</i>
I WELCOME DEATH BECAUSE I CAN'T BE WITH LEONORA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Oh, for the love of god. STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY TEENAGER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
HEY I'M ABOUT TO BE EXECUTED SO I THINK A LITTLE WHINING IS ALLOWED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
<i>[sigh]</i>
… fair enough.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>GOODBYE
LEONORA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
NOOO I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
LEONORA ON THE SLIM CHANCE YOU'VE SNUCK INTO THE CASTLE AND YOU'RE
LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU NOT TO FORGET ME
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PRETTY UNCOOL</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WOULD
SACRIFICE MY OWN LIFE TO SAVE YOURS SO WE CAN BE REUNITED IN HEAVEN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>If
death is the only way you can be reunited, why are you even trying to
save his life? Wouldn't it just make more sense to kill yourself now?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Because... I... uh...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Yeah, that's what we thought.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC HERE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Count
di Luna enters with several followers. Leonora hides.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Okay,
so I'm going to go over it one more time. When dawn comes, I want you
to behead the rebel and burn the gypsy at the stake. Got it?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>His
Followers:</b>
Probably!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Good.
Now get the hell out of here; I need to get my brood on.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[His
followers exit.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>You
know, it's entirely possible that I'm abusing my power by ordering
these executions, but fuck it. The only thing I care about anymore is
having dirty, violent sex with Leonora, and that bitch is nowhere to
be found! HOW IS THAT REMOTELY FAIR</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Leonora
emerges from her hiding place.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>I
think we need to have a little talk.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
HOLY CRAP HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>I
had a little help from a stone-cold badass.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:
</b><i>[offstage]</i>
wooooooooo</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Basically, I'm here to ask you if you might be willing to let Manrico
go.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Nnnnnope.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Pretty please?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Nnnnnnooooope.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>PLEASE
I'M BEGGING YOU I'D DO ANYTHING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>LISTEN
YOU HEARTLESS BITCH THE MORE YOU BEG FOR HIS LIFE THE MORE I WANT TO
KILL HIM SO THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE ME –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Leonora
shimmies seductively.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>…
I stand corrected. You'd do <i>anything,</i>
you say?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b><i>[sigh]</i>
Yes, I'd even marry you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Oh, we're <i>way</i>
past that. The way I see it, there's a pretty solid chance that you
and Manrico have already gone to town on each other – and there's
no point in marrying a woman who's lost her virginity to someone
else, because that's literally the <i>only
thing of value</i>
a woman has to offer a man!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
<i>[growl]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Well,
that and a hefty dowry.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
So... you don't want me anymore?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Oh,
I never said <i>that</i>.
I'm just thinking that maybe we could work out some kind of
fuck-buddy arrangement instead of actually getting married. <i>[undoing
his pants] </i>All
aboard the Di Luna Express, baby.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I think I just threw up a little.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
I BEEN REALLY TRYIN' BABY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">TRYIN'
TO HOLD BACK THESE FEELINGS FOR SO LONG</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">AND
IF YOU FEEL LIKE I FEEL BABY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">THEN
COME ON OHHH COME ON</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">LET'S
GET IT ONNNN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>Aaaand
I'm gonna stop you right there.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
But you said –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
You free Manrico first, and <i>then</i>
you can ravish me and whatnot.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Fiiiine. You promise?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I swear on my own grave!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
That sounds completely trustworthy!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Di
Luna calls a guard and takes a moment to confer with him.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>Yeah,
I'm totally gonna poison myself before he can get all up on this.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Isn't
that kinda breaking your promise?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I mean, not really. He's welcome to do <i>whatever
he wants</i>
with my corpse.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>…
gross.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Leonora
opens the Secret Poison Compartment</i>™ <i>on
her ring.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>DU
RING AN MEINEM FINGER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">MEIN
GIFTIGES RINGELEIN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ICH
DRÜCKE
DICH FROMM AN DIE LIPPEN...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She
swallows the poison. Di Luna dismisses the guard.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Okay,
it's all set. We'll release Manrico –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
OH WONDERFUL RAPTURE AND BLISS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
– and then I can take you back to my chambers and tear off all your
clothes.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Ugh.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
WOOO THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY THIS COULD GO WRONG</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[<b>Scene
II:</b>
The dungeon of Aliaferia. Azucena is lying on a mat in the corner;
Manrico is seated a few feet away.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Hey, mom.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>…</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
<i>Mom.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>…</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
<i>MOM</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
WHAT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Are you still awake?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>I
am now.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Well, that's no good. You should try to get some sleep.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
… you're the worst son ever.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Hey! I tried to come rescue you from a fiery death, so I think a
little gratitude might be in order.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I'd be more grateful if you had actually succeeded.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Shut up. It's the thought that counts.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I'll keep that in mind when my flesh is being seared by ravenous
tongues of fire.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>You
know what? I can't talk to you when you're like this.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
So do us both a favor and stop talking.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
FINE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
GOOD</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Sullen
silence.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Look, I'm sorry. I'm just a little on edge because of the whole
“being sentenced to death” thing.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
I know the feeling.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
But it's okay, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die before they
come throw me on the fire.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Oh.
Are you sick?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Maybe?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>No,
but really. Is she actually dying?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
What do I look like, a doctor?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Yes sir, they're only going to find my lifeless corpse when they come
to get me and OH GOD THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME RIGHT NOW</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>No
one's coming, mom.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
MANRICOOO PROTECT YOUR POOR MOTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Calm
your tits, mom.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE BURNED ALIVE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
To be fair, I don't think that's a thing that <i>anyone</i>
wants.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I STILL REMEMBER THE SIGHT OF MY MOTHER ON THE PYRE IT WAS AWFUL</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Well, take comfort in knowing that you're apparently going to die for
some other reason before they can come get you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I WAS JUST MAKING THAT SHIT UP</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Oh.
Then yeah, you're pretty much fucked.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
OH GOD I'M GONNA GET BURNED ALIVE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
If it's any consolation, you'll probably die from carbon monoxide
poisoning before the flames can do much damage.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Really?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Well, unless the pyre-builder is really good at his job. If it's done
right, it can last for hours and be utterly excruciating.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYMORE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Just calm down and go to sleep, mom.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Okay, but wake me up if I start having nightmares.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Deal.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Azucena
drifts off to sleep. Leonora enters.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Whaaaaaaaaaaat</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
MANRICO MY BELOVED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>SHHHH
MY MOM IS SLEEPING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">MANRICO
MY BELOVED</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico: </b>Thank you. What
are you doing here? Is this one of those conjugal visits I've been
hearing about?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Even better – you're free!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Holy shit. They're just letting us go?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Well... not “us” so much as “just you.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
You're not coming with me?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Yeah, but it's fine. Just leave already!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Waaaaait a minute. Did you promise to marry Count di Luna in exchange
for my freedom?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Well, not “marry,” exactly...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
YOU DIRTY HUSSY HOW COULD YOU BETRAY OUR LOVE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I'M SAVING YOUR LIFE YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b><i>
[mumbling in her sleep] </i>…
yeah, more pancakes … sing me a song about the mountains …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
WELL I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE BECAUSE FUCK YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
JUST LISTEN TO ME</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLUTTY SLUT SLUT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I TOOK POISON SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO YIELD TO THE COUNT'S ADVANCES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
… wait, what?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I'm literally dying to save your life. Now get the fuck out of here.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She
falls over.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS A JERK TO YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
It's … fine. I didn't expect … it would be so quick …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>thaaaaaat's
what she said</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
OH GOD TAKE CARE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>…<b>
</b>just
leave already …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>NO
I'M GONNA STAY WITH YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Di
Luna enters and sees what's going on.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
I'm just glad … I'll never have to sleep with that asshole …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
God<i>DAMMIT</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She
dies.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
NOOOOO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well, since she broke her promise, I don't have to keep mine. <i>Guards!</i>
It's time to execute the prisoner!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Several
guards enter and drag Manrico out.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>GOODBYE
MOM YOU WERE THE BEST BIOLOGICAL MOTHER A REBEL GENERAL COULD HAVE
ASKED FOR</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
<i>[waking
up]</i>
Manrico! <i>[to
the Count] </i>What
have you done with him?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Oh, you know. He's just about to get beheaded.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
See, the thing about that is...</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
No time to listen to you! Look out the window!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Now
might be a really good time to mention that he's actually the Count's
long-lost brother.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Azucena
goes over to the window and watches Manrico get beheaded.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Aaaaand now he's dead! Hooray!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Or not.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
YOU FOOL HE WAS YOUR LONG-LOST BROTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
AND NOW MY MOTHER'S VENGEANCE IS COMPLETE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She
collapses.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Fuuuuuuck.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>…
so, wait. Instead of possibly saving the life of the man you raised
as a son, you decided to wait until <i>after
he was dead</i>
to reveal your big secret.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Yuuup.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>And
the only reason he was captured in the first place was because he was
trying to save <i>your</i> life.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena: </b>Yuuuuuup. But it was totally worth it to see the expression on the Count's face!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>…
you're a <i>bitch</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[End
of the opera.]</span></i></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-34546750519899713692013-01-13T14:53:00.002-05:002013-02-08T14:50:11.051-05:00Il trovatore, Act III<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installments: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/12/il-trovatore-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><br />
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></i>
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Act III: The Son of the Gypsy
Woman</span></b></i><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Scene I:</b>
The Count di Luna's camp, outside the walls of Castellor. There are a bunch of soldiers sitting
around and gambling. Ferrando enters.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers:
</b>BOY WE SURE DO LOVE FUCKING
AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING OUR JOBS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
You guys are assholes. Why aren't you helping with the siege?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers:</b>
We'll join the fight when we're needed.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[A
group of archers walks across the stage.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Archers:</b>
… oh god … so much blood …</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers:
</b>See? They can handle it just
fine.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
Well, the Count has decided that we're storming the castle tomorrow
morning. Participation is <i>mandatory.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers:
</b>But we don't wannaaaaaaa</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando: </b>Tough
shit. On a happier note, we have reason to believe that Castellor
holds a significant amount of booty, which will be ours for the
taking once we get inside.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers: </b>This booty of which you speak. Is it, perchance, rockin' errywhere?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
To the best of my knowledge, it's mostly just sitting there. But
there's a fuckload of it!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Soldiers:</b>
WOOO THEN LET'S GO GET SOME</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone: </b>SOUND
THE TRUMPET MOTHERFUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S <i>GO</i>
TIME</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[They
run offstage to start preparing for the assault. The Count enters,
looking broody.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>I
SEE YOU OCCUPYING CASTELLOR WITH THE GIRL I LOVE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">AND
I'M LIKE “FUCK YOUUUU”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Ooh
ooh <i>ooh!</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>There's
only one solution to my problem – I need to storm the castle and
<i>murder everyone</i>
before Leonora can marry Manrico!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Everyone?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well, everyone except Leonora.<i>
Ob</i>viously.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[There's
a commotion offstage. Ferrando rushes in.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
SIR OUR SENTRIES CAUGHT A GYPSY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
OH MAN I <i>HATE</i>
GYPSIES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
I KNOW RIGHT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>What
was she doing?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
She was lurking around the edges of the camp like a total creeper, so
she's clearly a spy. Also, she's probably a witch because that's how
gypsies roll.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well, <i>duh.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Several
soldiers drag Azucena onstage.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Bring her over here so that we can see her face better, for reasons
that have no significance whatsoever to the plot.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Does she look familiar, Ferrando?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
Not particularly. Why do you ask?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>No
reason.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
What were you doing skulking around our camp?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Nothing. I'm a gypsy; we wander.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Bullshit. Where do you come from?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I live in the mountains near Biscay.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>A
gypsy from Biscay? That sounds vaguely familiar for some reason.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:
</b>Waaaaaaaaaaaait
a minute.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I was perfectly happy there until my ungrateful son abandoned me to
chase after some hussy, so now I'm stalking him. Because that's what
good parents <i>do</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
HOLY CRAP HER FACE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Took you long enough, jackass.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Say, would you happen to know anything about a kidnapping that
happened near Biscay about fifteen years ago?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Nnnnnope. Definitely not.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Wait
– it's only been fifteen years?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Yeah, why?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
So that means that Manrico is only, like... sixteen or seventeen?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Apparently.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Then
why'd you write the role so that no one under thirty-five can sing
it?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Because fuck you, that's why.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Sooooo why do you want to know about this abducted baby, anyway?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
BECAUSE HE WAS MY BROTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
OH SHIT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
I'M TOTALLY POSITIVE NOW CAN I GO FIND MY SON</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
NNNOPE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
OH NOOOO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
SHE'S TOTALLY THE ONE WHO MURDERED YOUR BABY BROTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Soldiers: </b>WHAAAAAT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
YEAH THANKS I HAD ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
IT'S NOT TRUE IT WASN'T ME</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
SHUT YOUR LYING GYPSY MOUTH</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Soldiers:</b>
YEAH</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
MANRICOOOOOOOO PLEASE COME HELP YOUR POOR CAPTURED MOTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Holy shit. <i>You're</i> Manrico's mother?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Yeah. Why?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Aaaand you just gave Count di Luna some pretty major leverage against
your son. Way to go, you dumb bitch.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Today just keeps getting better and better!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>LET
ME GO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
WELL GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE
THAN YOUR FATHER WAS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>You
know who else God's gonna punish? <i>People
who set babies on fire.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
You're not helping.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Soooo
here's the plan. I'm gonna torture the <i>shit</i>
out of you in front of the walls of Castellor, and then I'm going to
burn you at the stake. And if your son wants to save you, he'll have
to come out from behind those big strong walls and fight my whole goddamn army.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
… shit.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Di
Luna, overjoyed, starts doing a Happy Revenge Dance.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Doot de doot de dooo</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Gonna
avenge my brother's murder</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Bow
chicka chicka haaaaay</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Hey, do you know what dramatic irony is?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Nnnnope.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Yeah,
we didn't think so.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[The Count
resumes his dance.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando
and the Soldiers:</b>
HELL YEAH LET'S BUILD US A MOTHERFUCKING PYRE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[They
drag Azucena offstage.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Scene II: </b>A
hall in Castellor, where Manrico and Leonora are preparing for their
wedding. Ruiz, Manrico's second-in-command and all-around BFF, is
also present.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b><i>[looking out the window]</i>
I hear the sounds of battle! What's going on?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico: </b>Uh...
did you miss the part where the Count di Luna and his <i>entire
fucking army</i> are laying
siege to the city?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>Apparently.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Wow. Good thing I'm not marrying you for your brains.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora: </b>What?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Nothing. In any case, I'm
expecting them to mount a full-scale assault tomorrow morning.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora: </b>Oh
noooooooo</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
But it's okay! We'll triumph anyway – they may be a larger,
stronger, better-equipped force, but we have <i>justice</i>
on our side!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah, that's gonna work out
great for you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Well, justice and some pretty huge walls. Yes sir, as long as we stay
inside the castle and don't do anything stupid – like, say, going
out and engaging them in open combat – there's no <i>way</i>
we can lose!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b>
<i>[sigh]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
<i>[to Ruiz]</i>
Anyway, I'm just going to leave the entire defense of the castle in
your capable hands.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
But... you're the commander.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Don't sass me, Ruiz. I'm about to get married! That's <i>much</i>
more important than making sure we all survive the coming onslaught.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
grumble grumble</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Ruiz
leaves.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
You know, maybe we don't have to get married right this instant. All
this talk of war and stuff is kinda killing the mood.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b>
In a manner of speaking.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Hush, darling. Just let the men-folk worry about that.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
And what should I think about instead?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
You know, womanly things. Love and rainbows and unicorns and stuff.
Better yet, think about how lucky you are to be marrying a
sixteen-year-old paragon of manliness like me!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
But –
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Oh, and there's a pretty significant possibility that I might die in
battle. But if I do, just remember that I'm doing it for <i>you!</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Yeah, that'll be a huge comfort when the Count di Luna kidnaps me and
forces me to marry him. Thanks.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Any time!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[An
organ starts playing. Apparently they're next to the chapel or
something.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora
and Manrico:</b>
WOOO IT'S TIME TO GET MARRIED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Ruiz
rushes in.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
MANRICO THEY'VE CAPTURED THE GYPSY WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Lots of gypsies are women. Which one are you talking about?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS TO THE PLOT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
OH SHIT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ruiz:</b>
THEY'VE BUILT A PYRE AND THEY'RE GETTING READY TO THROW HER ONTO IT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b><i>[running to the
window]</i>
FUUUUUUUCK</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Why the hell do <i>you</i>
care? Nobody even <i>likes</i> gypsies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b>
<b>The Audience:</b> Rude.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
YEAH BUT THIS ONE'S MY MOM</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Whaaaaaaaaaat</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Well...
technically, she's not.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
RUIZ GO GATHER OUR SOLDIERS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Ruiz
runs out.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>I'M
GOING TO GO RESCUE MY MOTHER FROM THAT HORRIBLE PYRE EVEN THOUGH IT
MEANS COMPLETELY ABANDONING MY ONE AND ONLY STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Honey... no offense, but that's a terrible idea.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
I'M SORRY LEONORA I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY –
“MOTHERS BEFORE LOVERS”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
… I don't think that's a thing that <i>anyone</i>
says.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL MOM</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Ruiz
re-enters with a bunch of soldiers.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
WHO'S READY FOR A SUICIDE MISSION</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Soldiers: </b>THOUGH
WE DIE IN COMBAT GORY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WE
SHALL LIVE IN SONG AND STORY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WE
GO TO IMMORTALITYYYYY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Manrico and
his men rush offstage to do battle.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Seriously? It's five minutes before our wedding, and you're just gonna abandon me?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b> <i>[offstage] </i>YUUUUUP</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[End
of Act III.]</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-iv.html" target="_blank">Act IV</a></span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span></i></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-70140769325894197452013-01-06T19:12:00.002-05:002013-01-13T15:03:02.141-05:00Il trovatore, Act II<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/12/il-trovatore-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Act II:</b>
<b>The Gypsy Woman</b></span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Scene I: </b>A
gypsy camp in the mountains, several weeks (or possibly months) after
Act I. It's almost dawn, and the camp-dwellers are sitting around a
fire. Azucena (an old gypsy woman) and Manrico are both present, and
doing what all Verdi characters do best: brooding.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi: </b>To
be fair, most of my characters <i>also</i>
have a particular affinity for fits of jealous rage. And sometimes
murder.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me: </b>Duly
noted.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[As
the sun rises, the gypsies begin to sing.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>IT
SURE IS NICE TO SEE THE SUN SHINE BECAUSE IT'S KINDA LIKE WHEN A HOT
WIDOW DECIDES THAT SHE'S OVER HER DEAD HUSBAND AND SHE NEEDS TO GET
HERSELF A NEW MAN SO SHE STARTS DRESSING ALL SLUTTY AGAIN AND
EVERYONE IN TOWN IS LIKE “DAAAAMN” AND SHE'S LIKE “YEAH YOU
WANT A PIECE OF THIS”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
… is that a thing that happens often?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus:</b>
NOT VERY OFTEN WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO APPRECIATE IT WHEN IT <i>DOES</i>
HAPPEN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>You
people are weird.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>WHAT
DO YOU MEAN “YOU PEOPLE”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Nothing.
Keep singing.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>WELL
NOW THAT THE SUN HAS RISEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>No.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>IT'S
HAMMERTIME</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[And
then they all start pounding on anvils for no goddamn reason. Like...
they're not in a blacksmith's shop and they don't have forges or
anything. They just want to make some fucking noise.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>LA
LA LA ANVIL CHORUS LA LA LA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>It's
a catchy tune, though.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
I know, right?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus:</b>
THE ONLY THING WE LIKE MORE THAN POINTLESS HAMMERING IS HOT GYPSY
BITCHES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Is
this at all relevant to the plot?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:
</b>Are
chorus scenes <i>ever</i>
relevant to the plot?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>…
touché.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>OH
AND BOOZE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WE
ALSO LIKE BOOZE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Then
Azucena gets up and totally bums everyone out by singing about death
and stuff.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
THEY THREW MY MOM IN A BURNING RING OF FIRE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">SHE
WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">AND
IT BURNED, BURNED, BURNED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">THE
RING OF FIIIIIRE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">THE
RING OF FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>So
she's the daughter of the gypsy woman that Captain Whatshisname was
singing about in Act I?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:
</b>Yuuup.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Chorus: </b>Way
to kill the mood, Azucena. Now we're all hella depressed.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b><i>You're</i>
depressed? I saw my own mother<i>
</i>get
<i>burned
at the stake</i>,
you assholes. I had to avenge her death and stuff.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She
looks meaningfully at Manrico.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Could you maybe stop giving me creepy looks when you talk about
vengeance? It's kinda wigging me out.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Nnnnnope.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>An
Old Gypsy Man:</b>
Okay, folks. It's time to get to work.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And
then everyone gets up and leaves, further proving the utter
pointlessness of their short-lived anvil-banging schtick. No one
seems to be a metal-worker by trade, so why the fuck do they keep
anvils and hammers around? It literally serves </i>no
purpose whatsoever,<i>
except to give Leonora and Count di Luna three more minutes
offstage.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di Luna:
</b>Bitch,
this is some heavy-ass singing. We need all the rest we can get.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Oh, stop being such a pussy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Once
Manrico and Azucena are alone onstage, he starts pestering her.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Sooo
can you explain that story you were telling earlier?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>It's
pretty goddamn self-explanatory. The last Count di Luna had my mom
burned at the stake for witchcraft.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Seriously? That's rough.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Yeah,
jackass. How is it that you've never heard this story before? It was
pretty much the defining moment of <i>both</i> of our lives.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>So,
wait. Is she his mother or something?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
Yes. No. Kinda.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
What? She's either his mother or she isn't.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
JUST WATCH IT GETS EXPLAINED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Sooo I was standing there, watching my mother get burned at the
stake, and carrying my adorable infant son –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
And that was me?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">–</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> yeah, I'm getting to that part. Anyway, when they lit the fire,
she called to me and told me to avenge her death.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Did
she say anything else?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b> “SWEET JESUS I CAN FEEL THE WRINKLED
FLESH MELTING FROM MY BONES”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Oh.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
And also screaming. There was a lot of screaming.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>I
feel a little sick.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Yeah,
that happens. Anywho, I decided that I'd avenge my mother by stealing
the Count's baby.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
That's kinda fucked up.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Oh, you don't know the half of it. I stole the baby and made my way
back to the fire, and suddenly I went a little crazy with bloodlust
and threw the little bastard into the flames.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Jesus <i>Christ</i>,
mom. You killed a <i>baby?</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
And here's the kicker – when my vision cleared, I realized that I
was still holding the Count's son! Turns out I threw my own child
into the fire. Isn't that awkward?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Soooo wait a minute. You were holding two babies, you decided to
murder one, and you didn't bother to check <i>which
baby you were about to throw into a goddamn fire?</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Yeah,
it was a pretty big slip-up. Boy, was <i>my</i>
face red.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>You
know what else turned red? <i>Your
son.</i>
And then he turned <i>black.</i>
And then he turned into <i>ash
and fucking bone.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>It
was an honest mistake!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Sooo... I'm assuming I was born a few years later or something?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Nope, he was my only child.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
… so you're telling me that you're <i>not
only</i>
a murderer of children, but that you're <i>also</i>
not my real mother?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Hey, I never said <i>that</i>.
I took care of you! I raised you! That counts for <i>way</i>
more than conceiving you, carrying you, and pushing you out my birth
canal. You are – and always <i>will</i>
be – my true son.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>That's
pretty cold comfort, considering how you treated the other one.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Shut the fuck up.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>…<b>
</b>okay,
I'm confused.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Big
surprise.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Of course you are. Strong, handsome, <i>and</i>
intelligent was clearly too much to ask for.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
But –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Listen
– I'm old and crazy and my mind was such a jumble at the time of
the baby-killing that I'm honestly not sure <i>which</i>
child I threw to its horrific death. Don't pay any attention to my
ramblings. Just think – haven't I been a good mother to you?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b><i>[sighing]</i>
Yes, mother.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>And
didn't I feed you and clothe you and stuff?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Yes,
mother.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
And didn't I drag your wounded ass off that battlefield –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Wait, there was a battle? When the hell did that happen?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:
</b>It
happened between acts.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>This is why we can't have nice things.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
– after the current Count di Luna kicked your ass and left you for
dead?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>moooooooooooooom
you're em<i>barr</i>assing
meeeeeee</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Well, <i>someone</i>
needs to tend to your wounds and keep you from dying.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
It wasn't my fault! All the other soldiers ran away and left me to
fight di Luna's army on my own!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Everyone else fled and you didn't?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Because
I'm brave!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Because
you're a fucking moron. And a terrible commanding officer,
apparently.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Sad face.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
This is why you should have killed that asshole of a count when you
had the chance!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b> Did this happen between acts, too?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b> Kinda. It's from the end of Act I, just after the curtain fell.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[growls]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
I know I should have killed him, but I just couldn't! There was some
mystical force that held me back and told me to show him mercy!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>It's
almost like he's your brother or something.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
SHHH YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT UNTIL THE VERY END</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Seriously?
Because she pretty much <i>just
told him</i>
that he was the old count's son. The fact that he hasn't put two and
two together yet is only a testament to how fucking stupid he is.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Verdi:</b>
grumble grumble</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
Look, all I'm saying is that if you ever get the chance again, you
need to kill that motherfucker until he's <i>dead.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[A
horn sounds offstage. Manrico replies with a blast on his own horn
(not a euphemism). A messenger enters, carrying a letter.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Messenger:</b>
I COME BEARING NEWS OF WAR AND STUFF</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[He
hands Manrico a letter.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b><i>[reading]</i>
“Dear Manrico,
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our
kickass rebel army has captured the town of Castellor, and the prince
has selected you to defend it! This task is of the <i>utmost
importance</i>
to our cause, so please make sure that <i>absolutely
nothing</i>
distracts you from this goal. Go <i>directly</i>
to Castellor. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred doubloons.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Your
pal,</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ruiz</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">PS
– Remember your beloved Leonora? Well, she thinks you died in
battle and so she's joining a convent tonight.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Sooo you tell him not to get distracted from this mission, and then
you include the one piece of information that is <i>absolutely
sure</i>
to make him ignore his orders. Great job, Ruiz.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>AHHH
I HAVE TO GO STOP HER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>NO
YOU JACKASS YOUR WOUNDS ARE STILL HEALING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
I WILL DIE OF A BROKEN HEART IF I CAN'T MARRY HER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
YOU'LL DIE OF RAPID EXSANGUINATION IF YOU POP YOUR STITCHES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
TOTALLY WORTH IT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:</b>
DON'T LEAVE ME I'M JUST A FRAIL OLD GYPSY WOMAN AND ALSO <i>DEFINITELY</i>
YOUR BIRTH MOTHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>NO
SHE'S NOT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>FUCK
OFF</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>I'M
SORRY MOM I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE LEONORA MORE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[He
exits.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Azucena:
</b>Fuuuuuuck.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[<b>Scene
II: </b>A convent,
conveniently located near the town the rebels just captured. The
Count di Luna enters with Ferrando and several soldiers.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Okay. We're all clear on the plan, right?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
You're going to kidnap a woman who would rather be celibate for the
rest of her life than have sex with you. And then you're going to
force her to marry you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well... when you put it like <i>that</i>,
it sounds kinda douche-y.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
Little bit.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Shut
up. I <i>finally</i>
kill that asshole Manrico, and just when I think there's nothing left
to stop me from being with Leonora, the bitch decides to become a
fucking <i>nun!</i>
I mean, come on. Who <i>does
</i>that?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
The woman you're in love with, apparently.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b><i>[sighing]</i> There's just something <i>so
attractive</i>
about the way she finds me utterly repugnant. And when I see her
smile, I feel my soul ignite with a fiery passion that makes me want
her even more!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
… when was the last time she smiled at you?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
SHUT THE FUCK UP FERRANDO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
Yes, sir.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[The
bells of the convent start ringing.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
OH SHIT THEY'RE COMING EVERYBODY HIDE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Di
Luna, Ferrando, and the soldiers conceal themselves in the shadows.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Oh
man, I'm gonna marry the <i>hell</i>
out of this bitch. Not even <i>God
himself</i>
will prevent me from getting a piece of that ass!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b>Again
with the tempting fate. You can't say shit like that and expect
things to work out in your favor.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[A
group of nuns enter, leading Leonora and Inez toward the chapel.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Nuns: </b><i>[offstage]</i>
YOUR HEART IS FULL OF SINFUL DESIRES BUT JOINING OUR ORDER WILL
PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE YOU ENTRY INTO HEAVEN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b>
Yeah, that's not really how it works.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>Why
the hell are <i>you</i>
crying, Inez? You're not the one who's forsaking the world here.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Inez:</b>
<i>[wailing]
</i>I'M
JUST GONNA MISS YOU SO MUUUUUUCH</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
Calm your tits. If anyone should be sad, it's <i>me</i>.
With my true love dead, there's nothing in life that will ever make
me happy again! I'm just going to shut myself within the walls of
this convent and pray for the sweet release of death, which will
reunite me with my beloved!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
<i>[stepping
out of the shadows]</i>
Not if <i>I
</i>have
anything to say about it!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Everyone
gasps.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The
Nuns:</b>
OH HEAVENS IT'S THE COUNT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:
</b>Nice
dramatic timing, sir.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna: </b>Thanks!
<i>[to
Leonora] </i>So
hey, wanna get married?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
NO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well, too bad. I like it <i>so much</i> that no power in heaven or hell will
stop me from putting a ring on it!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Manrico
enters.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>Not
if <i>I</i>
have anything to say about it!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
GODDAMMIT THAT WAS <i>MY</i>
LINE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:
</b>My
beloved! Is it really you, or are you a vision sent from heaven?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b> AND ALSO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:
</b>I
GOT BETTER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
Well, we can fix that. <i>Guards!</i>
Someone kill this asshole!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico:</b>
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[A
bunch of Manrico's soldiers rush in and surround the Count and his
guards.]</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico's
Soldiers:</b>
LONG LIVE PRINCE URGEL</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
GODDAMMIT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ferrando:</b>
Uh, we seem to be outnumbered. What do we do?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Di
Luna:</b>
KILL EVERYONE EXCEPT LEONORA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Manrico's
Soldiers:</b>
BRING IT BITCHES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Leonora:</b>
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Chaos
ensues as the curtain falls. End of Act II.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-iii.html" target="_blank">Act III</a></span></div>
<br />Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-19171262544040160832012-12-10T14:38:00.002-05:002013-06-10T16:47:59.621-04:00Il trovatore, Act I<b>Il trovatore</b><br />
Grand opera in four acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-ii.html">Act II</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-iii.html">Act III</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-iv.html">Act IV</a>)<br />
<br />
<i>Music: </i>Giuseppe Verdi<br />
<i>Libretto: </i>Salvadore Cammarano and Leone Emanuele Bardare<br />
<b> </b><i><b> </b></i><br />
<br />
<i><b>Act I: The Duel</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i>[<b>Scene I:</b></i> <i>A hall in the palace of Aliaferia, just outside the chambers of the Count di Luna. The count is loyal to the prince of Aragon, who is currently waging war against Urgel, a rebel with his own claim to the throne.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> And which side are we supposed to sympathize with?
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> Well, di Luna is the baritone, sooo...
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Urgel all the way. Gotcha.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Ferrando, di Luna's captain of the guard, is waiting in the hallway. A chorus of retainers and soldiers is also present for some reason, because apparently he needs a whole fucking battalion to guard his room in the middle of the night.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> WE'RE BOOOORED
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Like I give a shit.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> WE'RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> NOOO THE COUNT NEEDS US TO BE VIGILANT WHILE HE'S OUT STALKING HIS BELOVED
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Wait. He's not even <i>here?</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Nnnope. He's busy trying to look in Leonora's window and obsessing over the mysterious troubadour she loves instead of him.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> ... so we're just guarding an empty room?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Yuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Wow. What a dick.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Yeah, pretty much.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> ...
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> ...
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> WE'RE BOOOOOOORED
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Oh, not <i>this</i> shit again.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> TELL US A STOOORYYYY
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> I'm sorry, when exactly did you all turn into toddlers?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> TELL US THE STORY OF GARZIA
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> FINE BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> yaaaaaay
<br />
<br />
<i>[Everyone gathers around as Ferrando begins his story.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Okay. Once upon a time, there was a father who had two sons and they were all very happy.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> What about the mother?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> She was dead or something.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Shouldn't that have made them <i>un</i>happy?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> She was a bitch and they were happier without her. Now stop asking questions.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Rude.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Oh, and also the father was the Count di Luna. That's kinda important.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Sooo when you say "once upon a time," you really mean "last week."
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Actually, this was the <i>previous</i> Count di Luna. The current count is his son.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Oh. So who's Garzia?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> He's the other son. The current count's brother.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> This is way more complicated than it needs to be.
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> Oh, just wait. Y'all bitches ain't seen <i>nothing</i> yet.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> So, like I was saying before I was <i>so rudely interrupted --</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Eat a dick.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> -- the father and his two sons were perfectly happy and content... <i>until one day.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> OH NO WHAT HAPPENED
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> One morning, Garzia's nurse awoke to find a strange figure in the room, leaning over the child's cradle!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> OH SHIT WHO WAS IT
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> AN UGLY OLD GYPSY WOMAN
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> EWW GROSS
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> So the nurse screamed and servants came running and threw the old bitch out. She claimed to be reading the baby's fortune, but everyone knew that she was <i>actually</i> putting a curse on him because that's what gypsies do. You know, when they're not picking your pocket and stuff.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> YEAH GYPSIES ARE ASSHOLES
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Okay, despite the blatant racism at work here, we have to admit that it's generally considered <i>not cool</i> to break into kids' bedrooms. So it's pretty understandable that people would get upset about that.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> And then the child started getting sick, which <i>proved</i> that he was cursed! So the count sent out his soldiers to capture the old gypsy woman, and then they burned her at the stake for witchcraft!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> That, on the other hand, seems like an overreaction.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> THE BITCH TOTALLY HAD IT COMING
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Of course. Because babies <i>never</i> get sick unless they're cursed.
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> But the story doesn't end there! The gypsy woman's daughter stole Garzia from his crib and threw him on her mother's pyre as an act of revenge on the count!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Whoa. This got dark <i>really quickly.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> They found the child's blackened bones amid the smoldering remains of the pyre.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> FUCKING EVIL GYPSIES
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> I KNOW RIGHT
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> So how did the old count deal with his son getting char-broiled?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> He pretty much went crazy from grief and died. But he still believed that Garzia was alive somewhere, and he made his remaining son promise to keep searching for his brother and the crazy gypsy woman.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> But he was never found?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Of <i>course</i> not. He's dead and buried and there's <i>no chance whatsoever</i> that this story will be important later in the opera.
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> Hint hint.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we got it.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> And was the old gypsy's daughter ever found?
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> No, but I'm sure we'll catch her some day. I'd recognize that crazy bitch <i>anywhere.</i><br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> <i>Also</i> hint hint.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Shut up. You're as bad as Donizetti.
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> YOU TAKE THAT BACK
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> WOO LET'S CATCH HER AND SEND HER TO HELL TO MEET HER MOM
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> Actually, some people believe that the old gypsy woman's spirit still haunts the castle, and she appears to people in various shapes to frighten them.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Is this foreshadowing too?
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> No, this part actually has no significance to the rest of the plot.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> OH YEAH WE'VE SEEN HER FLYING AROUND IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL AND SOMETIMES A CROW
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Either that or you just saw normal birds.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> NO IT WAS TOTALLY THE OLD GYPSY
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> AND ONE SERVANT DIED OF FRIGHT BECAUSE HE PUNCHED THE GYPSY IN THE FOREHEAD
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> THAT WAS RANDOM BUT OKAY SURE
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando:</b> SHE APPEARED TO HIM IN THE FORM OF AN OWL AND LOOKED AT THE MOON AND LET OUT A LOUD HOOT
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> That's what owls <i>do.</i> It was just a normal fucking owl.
<br />
<br />
<i>[The clock strikes midnight.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Ferrando and the Chorus:</b> AHHH MAY THAT OLD GYPSY BITCH BE CURSED FOREVER
<br />
<br />
<i>[Everyone exits.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> You people are morons.
<br />
<br />
<i>[<b>Scene II:</b> The gardens of the palace. Leonora, a lady-in-waiting to the princess of Aragon, is waiting to see her lover. She's accompanied by her servant, Inez.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> CAN WE GO INSIDE YET
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> NO I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MYSTERIOUS LOVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> BUT THE PRINCESS WANTS TO SEE YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> NOT UNTIL I SEE MY BELOVED
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> Seriously, though. Who is this troubadour guy and where did you meet him?
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> At a tournament. He was a mysterious knight in dark armor and he kicked everyone's asses and I presented him with the crown of victory!
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> Sorry, I'm confused. Is he a knight or a troubadour?
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> He's both.
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> That's stupid and so are you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> Shut up. I didn't see him for a long time after the civil war broke out -- but one night, I heard someone in the garden playing a lute and singing a love song for me! And guess who it was!
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> The trouba-knight?
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> EXACTLY
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> Okay, so... how much do you know about this guy, anyway?
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN LOVE AND NOTHING WILL EVER KEEP US APART
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> Challenge accepted.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> No, but really. This bitch must have taken "Tempting Fate 101" at Lammermoor Community College, 'cause <i>damn.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> Look, just take my advice and stop seeing this guy because it's probably gonna end in tears.
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> NOPE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HIM
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Inez:</b> Welllll if it all goes to shit, I'm going to carve "I told you so" on your tombstone.
<br />
<br />
<i>[They leave. The Count di Luna enters.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> Doot de doo, it's such a nice quiet night that I think I'm gonna stalk Leonora!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> You're creepy.
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> HEY LEONORA I KNOW YOU'RE AWAKE BECAUSE THE LAMP IN YOUR WINDOW IS STILL LIT
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> ... and also a bit desperate.
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> SHE FILLS ME WITH THE FIRE OF PASSION AND I'M COMING
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> GROSS
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> ... TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW
<br />
<br />
<i>[A harp starts playing offstage.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> OH GODDAMMIT IT'S THAT FUCKING MINSTREL AGAIN
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> COME WHAT MAAAAY<br />
COME WHAT MAAAAAAY<br />
IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU<br />
UNTIL MY DYING DAAAAAAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> AT LEAST SING SOMETHING GOOD
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> <i>[still offstage]</i> NIGHT AND DAAAAY<br />
YOU ARE THE ONE<br />
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON<br />
AND UNDER THE SUUUUUN
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> ... son of a <i>bitch.</i>
<br />
<br />
<i>[Leonora runs onstage, having heard the singing. She sees the count in the darkness and mistakes him for her beloved knight.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH
<br />
<br />
<i>[She embraces the count.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> Not that I'm complaining, but what the fuck is going on?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> What a dumb bitch.
<br />
<br />
<b>Verdi:</b> It's almost like the count and the troubadour look a lot like each other or something.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU
<br />
<br />
<i>[The troubadour enters, his face concealed, and sees Leonora macking on Count di Luna.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
<br />
<br />
<i>[Leonora realizes her mistake and retracts her tongue from di Luna's mouth.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> It's just a misunderstanding! It was super dark and I heard your voice and thought he was you!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> Oh. Okay, then.
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> But really. How could you ever think I could love this asshole instead of you? He's not as tender or passionate and he's also kind of a dick.
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> Still here, guys.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> Yeah, he's pretty terrible. Come give me a kiss!
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> You're hurting my feelings.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Leonora and the troubadour make out.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> SHOW ME YOUR FACE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> 'KAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> DON'T DO IT
<br />
<br />
<i>[He pulls back his hood/visor/big floppy hat and shows his face.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Troubadour:</b> IT IS I, MANRICO
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> OH SHIT THAT IS A HUGE REVELATION
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> WE DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> HE'S THE GENERAL OF THE REBEL PRINCE'S ARMIES
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> OH OKAY I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> <i>[drawing his sword]</i> HOW DARE YOU COME HERE YOU TRAITOROUS WRETCH
<br />
<br />
<b>Manrico:</b> <i>[also drawing his sword]</i> COME AT ME BRO
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> OKAY BITCH LET'S DO THIS
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAN WE STOP COMPARING DICKS FOR TWO MINUTES
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> ...
<br />
<br />
<b>Manrico:</b> ...
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> Nnnnope.
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> Shit.
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> SINCE YOU LOVE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WATCH ME KILL HIM
<br />
<br />
<b>Manrico:</b> NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST
<br />
<br />
<b>Di Luna:</b> SOMETHING SOMETHING FIERY RAGE
<br />
<br />
<b>Manrico:</b> SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT
<br />
<br />
<b>Leonora:</b> AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
<br />
<br />
<i>[Manrico and Count di Luna begin to duel.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> This is awesome! We almost <i>never</i> get to see this kind of stuff onstage!
<br />
<br />
<i>[The curtain falls.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Oh, for fuck's sake.
<br />
<br />
<i>[End of Act I.]</i>
<br />
<i><br /></i>
Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2013/01/il-trovatore-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-38141893014973273902012-12-02T13:31:00.000-05:002013-06-10T15:35:36.526-04:00Amahl and the Night Visitors<b>Amahl and the Night Visitors</b><br />
An opera in one act<br />
<br />
<i>Music and Libretto: </i>Gian Carlo Menotti<br />
<b> </b><i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>[The opera is set somewhere in ancient Judea, with a star in the sky that looks suspiciously like it might be hanging over Bethlehem. Most of the action centers around a dilapidated hovel inhabited by a mother and her child. Amahl, the aforementioned child, is an obnoxious eleven-year-old boy who enjoys playing his shepherd's pipes (not a euphemism) and being a pathological liar. Also, he's crippled and he needs a crutch to walk.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Charles Dickens:</b> Oh wow, a crippled kid in a story about Christmas. I can't believe <i>no one's ever thought of that before.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Fuck off.
<br />
<br />
<i>[And while we're handing out tragic illnesses, it should probably be mentioned that Amahl's mother – who is never given a real name because of course not – has a terminal case of being a </i>complete bitch.<i>]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> AMAHL
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> <i>[sitting outside]</i> WHAT
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> COME INSIDE
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> 'KAY
<br />
<br />
<i>[And then he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before – in short, playing his pipes and giving zero fucks.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> AMAHL
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> WHAT
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING YOUR PIPES SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> OKAY I'M PUTTING THEM AWAY NOW AND COMING IN
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> GOOD
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl immediately resumes his playing.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> trololololol
<br />
<br />
<i>[She opens the door and steps out.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> COME INSIDE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> But Mooooooom I want to stay outsiiiiiide
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> It's cold and dark and it's getting late.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> But I want to keep looking at the skyyyyy
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> If you keep talking back to me, I swear to <i>God</i> I will curbstomp the shit out of you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Fiiiine.
<br />
<br />
<i>[He begins the laborious process of getting his crutch, getting up, and hobbling inside.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Any time now.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl moves two more steps.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> No, really. It's not like we have anything better to do.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl finally gets back into the house. His mother shuts the door behind them both.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Sooo why did you feel the need to be such a little douche tonight?
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> THERE'S THIS BIG STAR IN THE SKY AND IT'S REALLY COOL
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP TELLING LIES
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> I'M NOT LYING
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> YOU TOTALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU LIE ALL THE TIME
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE IT OUT THE WINDOW JUST GO LOOK
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> NOPE I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR SHIT EVER AGAIN
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> It's actually there, though.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Just sayin'.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> You wouldn't <i>believe</i> the shit that this little bastard tells me – and most of the time, he doesn't even bother trying to make it sound believable!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Like what?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Like the time he told me he saw a jungle cat with a woman's head. Or the time he told me that he saw a tree that was screaming and bleeding profusely. Or the time he told me about the giant catfish with wings and horns that was terrorizing a small fishing village on the coast.
<br />
<br />
<b>SyFy Channel Executives:</b> Aaaand we just got our idea for our next original movie... "Batfish: Rivers of Blood."
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Whatever. The point is, everything that comes out of the little bastard's mouth is a lie.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, but compared with the rest of that shit, isn't "there's a really bright star in the sky" pretty believable?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> HE'S A LYING LIAR SO SHUT UP
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> I'm not lying! I <i>swear!</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> OH GOD HE THINKS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Because I <i>am.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> HUSH MY SWEET CHILD; HUNGER HAS CLEARLY ADDLED YOUR BRAINS
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> But –
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> WE'LL HAVE TO GO BEGGING IF WE WANT TO STAY ALIVE
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl shrugs.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Sure, whatever.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> <i>[starting to sob]</i> IT'S SO SHAMEFUL
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Well, let's see... you can either keep your dignity or <i>not starve to death.</i> Yeah, that's a tough choice.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> It's okay, Mom! I'm gonna be the bestest beggar <i>ever</i> and I'll play my pipes and you'll sing and dance and everyone will give us food and money and everything will be awesome forever!
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Aw, that's so sweet.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Actually, I was just lying to make you feel better. We're pretty much fucked.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Shut up and go to sleep.
<br />
<br />
<i>[They lie down and close their eyes. Soon, a trio of voices can be heard in the distance.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>A Trio of Voices:</b> HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO TIRED
<br />
<br />
<i>[Three kings walk onstage, each carrying a gift of some sort. They're followed by a page, who's carrying the rest of their shit.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> ARE WE THERE YET
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wait. Are these the <i>actual</i> three kings? Like... on their way to visit the baby Jesus?
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Yuuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Oh, god. This isn't an opera; it's a fucking greeting card.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> DEAR GOD WE JUST WANT TO REST AND STOP FOLLOWING THIS STUPID STAR FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES
<br />
<br />
<i>[They see the decrepit old hovel and decide to stop there. Melchior, the first king, knocks on the door.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> <i>[half-asleep]</i> Amahl, go see who the fuck is knocking on our door in the middle of the night.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl gets his crutch, gets up, and hobbles to the door.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Seriously? He can barely walk. Do it yourself, you lazy bitch.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl opens the door, sees Melchior, and slams the door with a gasp of surprise.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HOLY CRAP MOM THERE'S A KING OUTSIDE
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Stop being a lying piece of shit.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> But Mooooooom it's truuuuuuue
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Not buying it.
<br />
<br />
<i>[The kings have switched places outside. Kaspar, the second king, knocks on the door.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Just answer the door and stop being a jackass.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl opens the door, sees Kaspar, and loses his shit.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Door:</b> <i>[slam]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HOLY CRAP MOM THERE ARE <i>TWO</i> KINGS OUTSIDE
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> If you keep lying to me, I'm going to break your <i>other</i> leg.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> <i>[whimpers]</i>
<br />
<br />
<i>[The kings have switched places again. Balthazar, the third king, knocks on the door. Only this time it's different, because – ]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOM THERE'S A BLACK KING OUTSIDE
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Don't be ridiculous, Amahl; black people can't occupy positions of power. That's what we like to call "The White Man's Burden!"
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> But we're not white either. We're Palestinian or something.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> ARE YOU SASSING ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> No, mother.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Good. Since you're too busy being an idiot, I'll just answer the door <i>myself.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Like you should have in the first place.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Fuck off.
<br />
<br />
<i>[She gets up and opens the door.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> HIIIII
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> HOLY SHIT
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Told you so.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Don't be a dick. <i>[to the kings]</i> Can I help you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Can we take a nap in your house? We've been walking for like... forever.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> If you're so rich, shouldn't you have some mode of transportation? Like camels or horses or palanquins carried by broad-shouldered eunuchs?
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> It's cheaper to travel on foot. These gifts we're carrying were pretty expensive.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I see. Well, I'm just a <i>poor, starving widow with a crippled son,</i> but you're welcome to stay in my humble home for a little while.
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Thanks!
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> And maybe you could toss a couple coins my way to pay me for my trouble?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Nnnnope. Come on in, boys!
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> WHAT WAS THAT I DIDN'T HEAR IT BECAUSE I AM DEAF
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> And deaf people are <i>hilarious!</i> Almost as funny as the idea of a black king, amirite?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> You're a douche.
<br />
<br />
<i>[The page hurries into the house and unrolls a carpet for them to walk in on, even though they've been walking across dirt and rocks and sand for god knows how long. Seriously, it's kinda pointless. The kings proceed into the house one by one and sit down together on a bench.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> This place is a shithole.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Poor, starving widow, remember?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Oh, right. I guess it's okay.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Fuck you too. I have to go gather firewood so we don't freeze to death, but I'll be back soon. <i>[to Amahl]</i> Don't be obnoxious, okay?
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Of <i>course</i> not, mother.
<br />
<br />
<i>[She leaves.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HEY MISTER BLACK GUY ARE YOU A REAL KING BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T BE KINGS
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Your mom's a bitch. And yes, I'm a real king.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> DO YOU HAVE ROYAL BLOOD AND STUFF
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> By definition, yes.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> CAN I SEE IT
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> <i>Hell</i> no. Go away.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> WHERE DO YOU LIIIIVE
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> And while you're answering this question, could you say “black” as many times as possible?
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> I live in a palace –
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> – a <i>black</i> palace –
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> – and I own some panthers –
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> – which are a <i>slightly darker black</i> –
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> – and also some doves.
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> – which are the <i>opposite</i> of black. Black black blacky black black.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> YES WE GET IT
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Can I stop talking now?
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> SURE AND NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALLLLLL ABOUT ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Oh joy.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> I USED TO HAVE SOME SHEEP BUT MY MOM SOLD THEM AND I USED TO HAVE A GOAT BUT SHE DIED AND I USED TO HAVE A DAD BUT HE DIED TOO AND NOW MOM BRINGS HOME A SPECIAL FRIEND SOMETIMES BUT SHE MAKES ME GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE COMES OVER AND THEN I HEAR WEIRD NOISES COMING FROM THE HOUSE AND –
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Aaaand that's way too much information. Go bother the deaf guy for a while.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> 'Kay.
<br />
<br />
<i>[He approaches Kaspar.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Are you a real king too?
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Oh, man. Comedy <i>gold.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> I ASKED IF YOU'RE A REAL KING
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> YES I AM AT LEAST I WAS THE LAST TIME I CHECKED
<br />
<br />
<i>[The conversation continues along the following lines:]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Stupid question!
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> Confused noise?
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> THE SAME QUESTION BUT LOUDER THIS TIME
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> Response!
<br />
<br />
<i>[And that formula repeats itself about </i>fifty goddamn times.<i>]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> It's not actually fifty times.
<br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> But it sure feels like it!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Finally, Amahl points to a box sitting next to Kaspar.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> What the hell is that?
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> THIS IS MY BOX AND IT IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE BOXES AND I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY BOX BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO BOXTASTIC AND I KEEP ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS BOX LIKE MAGIC GEMSTONES AND BEADS AND ESPECIALLY LICORICE –
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> <i>Black</i> licorice!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> FUCK OFF
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> – AND YOU SHOULD EAT SOME OF THIS LICORICE BECAUSE CANDY ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WHEN IT'S FROM STRANGERS
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> OKAY
<br />
<br />
<i>[He takes a piece of licorice and starts eating it just as his mother returns.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> GODDAMMIT AMAHL I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OBNOXIOUS
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> BUT I WASN'T
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Yeah, you were.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Whatever. Just go and find the other shepherds and tell them to bring some food for our guests!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> So you want the child with a reputation for being a <i>pathological liar</i> to go and tell your neighbors that there are <i>three kings</i> staying at your house?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Of course. What could go wrong?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[sigh]</i>
<br />
<br />
<i>[Amahl hobbles off into the night, while his mother admires all the shiny stuff the kings are traveling with.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> That's a lot of gold.
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Yuuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Do you really need <i>all</i> of it? And did I mention that my son and I are <i>penniless and starving?</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> We can't spare a cent. It all has to go to the child.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> And who is this child, exactly...?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> We don't really know. We're just following the star.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I see. Well, maybe I can help you out!
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> I sincerely doubt it.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Oh, come on. How hard could it be?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Okay. We're looking for a child who's the color of wheat.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> That's not very specific.
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> He could also be the color of dawn.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> So, like... pinkish-red?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Well, you know what they say – “Red savior at morning, sinners take warning...”
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Shut up.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> In any case, I know a kid who looks <i>just like that.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Who?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> My son! Your journey's at an end! Leave all the gold and frankincense and myrrh with <i>us!</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Not gonna happen. Help me out, Balthazar.
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> He's the color of earth. Or maybe of thorns.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> You're just naming weird colors. You have no idea what he looks like, do you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Yes, we do. We <i>totally</i> do.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Okay. Height? Weight? Body type? Facial structure?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Um... he can command the elements?
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> And he controls the sun and moon!
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> And he can tame animals with his <i>mind.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Now you're just making shit up.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> HE'S SURROUNDED BY A LEGION OF ANGELS AND HIS MOTHER IS BOTH A VIRGIN AND A QUEEN
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> … Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Jesus?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I'M STILL PRETTY SURE THAT MY SON IS THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SHINY EXPENSIVE STUFF
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> NNNNOPE
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> WE ARE A CHORUS OF SHEPHERDS
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> The shepherds are coming!
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Yeah, we got that. We're not deaf, you know.
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> <i>[coughs awkwardly]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Uh... right. Except for Kaspar.
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Yeah. It's kind of a problem.
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> WHAT DID YOU SAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Nothing.
<br />
<br />
<i>[And then the chorus of shepherds makes its entrance, led by Amahl. They all seem to be afflicted with some sort of obsessive personality disorder where they can't stop making lists, because they pretty much just sing a bunch of names for about six pages of music.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> EMILY MICHAEL BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPHINE ANGELA JEREMY ETHEL ELAINE PATTI BERNADETTE GEORGE BILL GEORGE JUNIOR BARACK ROSE MARTHA DONNA AMY
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> GET TO THE POINT
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> HOW ARE YOU WE'RE DOING FINE OH THAT'S WONDERFUL
<br />
<br />
<i>[They reach the house and stare through the open door at the kings.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> GIVE US YOUR FOOD
<br />
<br />
<i>[And then the list-making starts again.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> HERE IS ALL THE STUFF WE BROUGHT THERE'S SOME OLIVES AND QUINCES AND RAISINS AND NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM AND TEA LEAVES AND PORK RINDS AND TURDUCKEN AND JUICY JUICE AND GO-GURT AND POWERADE AND PROTEIN SHAKE MIX AND JELL-O PUDDING
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> holy shit that's a lot of food
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus:</b> EAT IT EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Doesn't anyone want to dance for the kings?
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> That's really not necessary.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> SOMEONE DO A DANCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW
<br />
<br />
<i>[So then some shepherds do a dance.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Ooookay. Well, thanks for the food and the entertainment, but we really need to go to sleep.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus of Shepherds:</b> OKAY SWEET DREAMS
<br />
<br />
<i>[They all leave. Amahl and the kings and the page (remember him?) go to sleep, but Amahl's mother stays awake.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> THOSE FUCKERS HAVE SO MUCH GOLD AND THEY WON'T EVEN SHARE AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE POOR AND STARVING BECAUSE THEY'RE SNOOTY RICH BASTARDS
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Occupy Judea!
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I COULD FEED MYSELF AND MY SON FOR A YEAR WITH A HANDFUL OF THAT GOLD SO I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG
<br />
<br />
<i>[She takes some of the gold.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Page:</b> THIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFF
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Oh. <i>That's</i> what could go wrong.
<br />
<br />
<i>[The page jumps on the mother and starts trying to wrestle the gold out of her hands.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> <i>[waking up]</i> WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
<br />
<br />
<b>The Page:</b> SHE TOOK SOME OF OUR JESUS-GOLD
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> WHAT A BITCH
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> <i>[hobbling over]</i> GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOM YOU CARPET-CARRYING FUCK
<br />
<br />
<b>The Page:</b> MAKE ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> <i>[turning to the kings]</i> Please don't let him hurt my mom! She's a nice lady when she's not stealing shit from unsuspecting guests! <i>[turning back]</i> I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IF YOU DON'T LET MY MOM GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW
<br />
<br />
<i>[At a sign from one of the kings, the page releases Amahl's mother. She and Amahl collapse in a whimpering heap on the floor.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Look, you can keep the gold. This new savior doesn't need money or anything, because he's going to build his kingdom on <i>love and smiles and rainbows!</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> So... if you <i>know</i> he doesn't need your money, why the fuck are you lugging that heavy-ass chest to Bethlehem?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Huh. You know, I really should have thought that through before we left.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Whatever. In any case – the new savior <i>loves</i> poor people, so have fun with your ill-gotten money. <i>[to the other kings]</i> Let's get the hell out of here.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Actually, I think I'll give the gold back – but only because you were pretty passive-aggressive there and it made me feel kinda bad.
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> And <i>that</i> was the first recorded instance of Catholic guilt.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> And by “first recorded instance,” you mean “I just made that up.”
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Yeah, pretty much.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> This new savior sounds pretty cool! Let's send him my crutch, just in case he's a cripple like me!
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need your crutch to <i>walk,</i> moron.
<br />
<br />
<i>[But in his excitement, Amahl has gotten up and is walking </i>without the crutch!<i>]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Whaaaaaaaaat
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> oh snap
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HOLY SHIT I CAN WALK
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> HOLY SHIT YOU CAN WALK
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> HOLY SHIT IT'S A MIRACLE
<br />
<br />
<i>[And everyone dances around in jubilation.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Sooo Baby Jesus cured him or something?
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Because of his selfless concern for someone he had never met!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Either that, or Amahl was just lying about being crippled to get attention.
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> SHUT UP IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> O BLESSED CHILD CAN WE TOUCH YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Gross.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Three Kings:</b> YOU KNOW IN A TOTALLY SPIRITUAL WAY OR WHATEVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Sure, knock yourselves out.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Page:</b> CAN I TOUCH YOU TOO
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Fuck you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Be nice, Amahl.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> Fiiiine, he can touch me. But keep it above the belt, perv.
<br />
<br />
<i>[The page touches Amahl.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I CAN DO NOW THAT I CAN WALK
<br />
<br />
<b>Everyone Else:</b> YEAH IT'S PRETTY COOL
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> HEY MOM CAN I TRAVEL WITH THE KINGS TO MEET THIS CRAZY GOD-BABY OR WHATEVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Wait, what?
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Yeah, we don't actually want him to come along with us.
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> WHAT DID HE SAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> HE SAID HE WANTS TO COME WITH US
<br />
<br />
<b>Kaspar:</b> OH <i>FUCK</i> NO HE'S ANNOYING AS SHIT
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> SCREW YOU GUYS I'M A MIRACLE CHILD AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Fiiine, you can come.
<br />
<br />
<b>Balthazar:</b> Just try not to get yourself eaten by wild animals.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> YAAAAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> I don't know...
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> PLEEEEASE
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Okay, fine.
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> But don't forget to wash your ears and wear your hat and be a good boy!
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> And can you take care of my cat while I'm away?
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> You don't have a cat anymore. I put him in the stew last week because we were about to <i>starve to death.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Amahl:</b> YOU TOLD ME HE WAS OUT HUNTING
<br />
<br />
<b>Mother:</b> Yeah, well... I lied. Deal with it.
<br />
<br />
<b>Melchior:</b> Oooookay. And with that awkward bit of family interaction completed, LET'S GET GOING
<br />
<br />
<i>[The kings and the page process out of the house. Amahl gives his mother a last hug before running after the others. He starts playing his pipe in the distance, and his mother stares up at the star in the sky.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> ISN'T IT HEARTWARMING
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Sure, except for the part where the story of the Three Kings doesn't actually include a random, formerly crippled boy.
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Yeah... he died about two days later. Mauled by a leopard.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Oh. Wow. That's... kinda depressing.
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> Yuuup.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Awkward silence.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Menotti:</b> WOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS
<br />
<br />
<i>[End of the opera.]</i>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-23806082982713189182012-11-19T12:06:00.000-05:002012-11-19T12:06:17.280-05:00L'elisir d'amore, Act IIPrevious installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/11/lelisir-damore-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a><br />
<br />
<b><i>Act II:</i></b> <i>A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> <i>[to Dulcamara]</i> How did <i>you</i> get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. <i>Also</i> also, I have as much right to be at this table as <i>you</i> do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> <i>[patting her on the head]</i> Of <i>course</i> you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> grumble grumble
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> And how's that working out for you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> I know, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> NNNNOPE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> NNNNOPE
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> DON'T MIND IF I DO
<br />
<br />
<i>[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?
<br />
<br />
<b>Donizetti:</b> Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me <i>started</i> on the way they grasp those oars.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.
<br />
<br />
<b>Donizetti:</b> I'll be in my bunk.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> <i>[to Adina]</i> Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> ... yeah?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Actually, I don't think that's a good --
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> OKAY HERE WE GO
<br />
<br />
<i>[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.
<br />
<br />
<b>Half of My Readers:</b> Rude.
<br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be <i>all over that shit</i> like white on the Republican Party.
<br />
<br />
<b>Two of My Readers:</b> <i>Also</i> rude.
<br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> You know it's true.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> PLEEEEASE
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> NNNNOPE
<br />
<br />
<i>[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Donizetti:</b> But isn't it great?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> No comment.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> <i>[applauding]</i> So how does the story end?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Yaaaaaay
<br />
<br />
<i>[A notary enters.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Not at all! I'm <i>totally</i> gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> That's comforting.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some <i>crazy shit</i> in the bedroom when I'm hammered.
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE
<br />
<br />
<i>[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> om nom nom nom
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Doctor! What are you doing here?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Meh. You can't win 'em all.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> No?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!
<br />
<br />
<i>[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Belcore enters.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> <i>[to himself]</i> Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> <i>[also to himself]</i> It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry <i>me</i> instead!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nicolas Cage:</b> Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.
<br />
<br />
<b>John Travolta:</b> Seriously.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> ... dammit.
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> <i>[noticing Nemorino]</i> Hey, what the hell are <i>you</i> so unhappy about?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Obviously.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Well, I need some money. Like... right now.
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Seriously?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Yuuup. I've got the money right here.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> But I don't want glory!
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Fine; I'll do it!
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> <i>[producing a paper]</i> Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nemorino squints at the contract.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Oh. Okay, then!
<br />
<br />
<i>[He signs the contract.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?
<br />
<br />
<i>[Belcore gives him the money.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> <i>[to himself]</i> Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE
<br />
<br />
<i>[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> Shut up.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Much appreciated.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Not really, no.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a <i>shit-ton</i> of money.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> oooooh
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's <i>exactly</i> what we're saying.
<br />
<br />
<b>Random Chorus Girl:</b> Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?
<br />
<br />
<b>Everyone Else:</b> NO YOU DUMB WHORE
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nemorino enters, drunk.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME
<br />
<br />
<i>[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Oh, hey.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Oh, well, I... uh...
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> I SAW HIM FIRST
<br />
<br />
<i>[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the </i>least desirable man in town<i> until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK
<br />
<br />
<i>[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> ... are they actually fawning all over <i>Nemorino?</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> That can't be right. <i>[to the women]</i> Do you actually find this man <i>remotely</i> attractive?
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Because the women in town are all greedy whores?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> You're a moron.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OKAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OKAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> OKAY
<br />
<br />
<i>[A large catfight ensues.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of <i>God himself!</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> This really has nothing to do with you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> WHAT OH NOOOO
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.
<br />
<br />
<b>Chorus Ladies:</b> NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Okaaaaay
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Wait! What about me?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> I'll talk to you later! <i>[to himself]</i> Yeah, she's falling in love with me.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yes. Yes it is.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> But... but...
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Crazy, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> That's one word I'd use.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> And it's all thanks to me!
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> How so?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Bullshit.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> <i>Bullshit?</i> I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> And you gave it to Nemorino?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Oh. Awkward.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yuuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> So he <i>loves</i> this frigid bitch?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally <i>any woman in town.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Except for that time when you said he was <i>always telling you that.</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Shut up.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> You look like you could use some love potion.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> You shut up too.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Not gonna happen.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> You could make all the women in town jealous!
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> They already are.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> You could marry the fucking <i>pope</i> if you wanted.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Probably.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you <i>looked</i> at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> You <i>are</i> pretty foxy...
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> homina homina homina
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use <i>all my feminine wiles</i> and Nemorino won't be able to resist!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him <i>any other option</i> except marrying you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Yuuup.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> And all in the span of about ten minutes.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.
<br />
<br />
<b>Donizetti:</b> And how!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> For some reason.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Nnnnope.
<br />
<br />
<i>[Adina enters.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> ... hey. How's it going?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> You know he's not a real doctor, right?
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> I sure don't!
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> People like you?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.
<br />
<br />
<i>[She hands it to him.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> But <i>you</i> don't love me?
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Nnnnope.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!
<br />
<br />
<i>[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> ... is that a trick question?
<br />
<br />
<i>[Belcore draws his sword.]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> I'MA KILL YOU
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> COME AT ME BRO
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS
<br />
<br />
<b>Everyone:</b> <i>[calms their tits]</i>
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I <i>definitely</i> never planned to actually marry you.
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Fine by me, skank. The world is <i>full</i> of hot bitches for me to have sex with.
<br />
<br />
<b>Gianetta:</b> Like me?
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> You wish.
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> <i>[sobbing]</i> WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women <i>and</i> totally fucking rich!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Dude... too soon.
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> Alcohol?
<br />
<br />
<b>Dulcamara:</b> I MEAN MAGIC POTION
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> YAAAAAY
<br />
<br />
<b>Nemorino:</b> And even though my only living relative is dead and literally <i>everyone</i> knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!
<br />
<br />
<b>Belcore:</b> Fuck you both.
<br />
<br />
<b>Adina:</b> And now we're all going to be happy forever!
<br />
<br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE
<br />
<br />
<b>The Audience:</b> FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE
<br />
<br />
<i>[End of the opera.]</i>
<br />
<br />Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-56194987918120474892012-11-13T11:44:00.000-05:002013-06-10T16:46:25.597-04:00L'elisir d'amore, Act I<b>L'elisir d'amore</b><br />
A <i>melodramma giocoso</i> in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/11/lelisir-damore-act-ii.html">Act II</a>)<br />
<b> </b><br />
<br />
<i>Music:</i> Gaetano Donizetti<br />
<i>Libretto: </i>Felice Romani<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[<b>Act I:</b> A quaint little
village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside.
Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a
soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead
of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and
reading a book. Nemorino, the <s>hero</s> protagonist of
our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina
and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:</b> Boy, it sure is
awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything
useful.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b> It sure is!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b> If you dirty peasant
fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to
evict you all.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:</b> … can she do that?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b> Maybe? We're all
illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read
through our laws and statutes and shit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:</b> Good point.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b> So should we get
back to work?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:</b> Nah, let's just keep
repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b> With gusto!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:</b> RELAXING IN THE SHADE
IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b> IT REALLY SUCKS YES
YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:</b> … this seems
uncomfortably familiar.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti:</b> Hi, everyone! Thanks
for coming to my opera!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:</b> Son of a <i>bitch</i>.
Not this guy again.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Glad
to see you, too.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[The chorus
shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>God,
Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:</b>
That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>If
I could, I would just stare at her all day long.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Okay, maybe you want to dial it
back a bit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>And
all night. I would <i>love
</i>to watch her sleep.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Rodolfo: </b>Back
off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is <i>my</i>
territory.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b><i>You</i>
back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three
years!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Rodolfo: </b>Them's
fightin' words, boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti:</b>
GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Rodolfo:
</b>Fiiiine.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[He leaves.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>So,
like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a
piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That's rough, buddy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>I
TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
WALK RIGHT BY ME</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Really? 'Cause you seem to be
attracting a lot of attention right now.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>CADENZAAAA</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Case in point.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Adina starts
laughing.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>OH
MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta: </b>Yeah,
you can read. We're really happy for you.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:
</b>Really? 'Cause you were telling
us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>COME
HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Gianetta and
the chorus all gather around Adina.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Soooo
once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was
in love with a total bitch named Isolde!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Sounds
familiar.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>And
he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any
attention!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>SEE
IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah. Thanks.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>But one day,
Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Wagner: </b>What
the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>SHUT
UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Wagner: </b>WELL
THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Girls, girls. You're both
pretty.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>And
so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in
love with him!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:</b>
OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>IT
SURE WOULD</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Everyone:
</b><i>[stares at Nemorino]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>You
know, for <i>completely normal purposes</i> that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Okay, sooo wait a second. If
Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it
affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall <i>more</i>
in love with her?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>It's
magic or something. Shut up.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>It's not to say that we don't
appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti:
</b>You're welcome.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience: </b>–
it's just that the story makes <i>no
goddamn sense</i>.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>And
when has that ever stopped me before?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience: </b>…
touch<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">é</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus: </b>SO
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Isolde
fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and
nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:
</b>YAAAAAY</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That's it; we're calling
bullshit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti:
</b>Again.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Shut up. Aren't you missing the
part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part
where <i>it all ends in
tragedy?</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>It's
a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah, lots. And the happiest of
<i>all those possible
endings</i> is the one where
Tristan is <i>exiled for
life</i> and Isolde stays
married to a man she doesn't love.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Wagner: </b>I
like the version where they both die at the end!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah, we know.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Well,
you can all piss off because this is <i>my</i>
opera and I do what I want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Just so you know, we'll be
keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Funny
you should mention that...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Belcore
enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering
douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words,
he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on
her.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Hey,
baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Fuck
off; I'm reading.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Belcore steals
a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to
Adina.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>So
you like books, huh? Well, try <i>this</i>
literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the
golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience: </b>–
thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another
man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room
and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were
fighting and dying all around him –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>–
I present you with these flowers!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah, that's two strikes.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>STOP
KEEPING TRACK</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Nnnnope.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>But
I'm way cooler than that guy –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience: </b>–
the cowardly adulterer –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>–
because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the
next few days.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>What? That comparison doesn't
even make sense.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Look.
No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>grumble grumble</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>–
but I'm not interested.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>But
wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can
bench-press about a ba<i>jillion</i>
pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Be
still, my beating heart.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>I
know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a
man in uniform, <i>especially</i> when that man happens to be me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Could
you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Sure
thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Oh, you mean like the time that
Ares had sex with Aphrodite?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Yuuuup.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:</b>
And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and
trapped them in a net?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Uh...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That's three.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Sooo
it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do
you want to get married?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Wow. That's moving a little
fast, even for an opera character.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>oh
god oh god what am I gonna do</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>I'm
not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up
among the townsfolk a little longer.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>yesssssss</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Come
onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>You
are <i>by far</i>
the clingiest man I have ever met.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>Challenge accepted.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>What's
the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and
gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot
guy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Look,
just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy.
You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to
pillage <i>this</i>
village, baby.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Wait,
who said anything about pillaging?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>I'm
using the word as a euphemism for sex.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b><i>Ohhhhh.</i>
In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my
big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and
slaughter all its inhabitants.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Uh...
I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Yeah,<b>
</b>I do that sometimes.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b><i>[to
himself]</i> Dammit, he's so
suave! I wish <i>I</i>
could talk to ladies like <i>he</i>
does!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>No, you really don't.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Oh,
and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Not
gonna happen.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore:</b>
Just me, then?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Nnnnope.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Fine;
we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a
bottle of wine or something?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Yeah
sure whatever.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b><i>[to
himself]</i> Oh, yeah. She
wants me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b><i>[to
the townsfolk] </i>What the
hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[The soldiers
and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but
Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Hey,
um... can I talk to you for a second?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Oh,
for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me
like you always do?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
… no?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Okay,
you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
…</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>Tick-tock, Eeyore.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Aaaand
that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything
to society.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
But... but...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>You
should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of
yours.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>His
pain is <i>nothing</i>
compared to mine!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Really?
'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
Loving you is <i>way</i>
worse than syphilis!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Wow.
You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>You
think?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Sorry.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Okay,
just listen. You're a nice guy –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>yaaaaaaaay</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>–
but you're <i>awkward as
fuck</i> and have <i>no
idea</i> how to get women to
like you.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>My
mom always told me that I should just be myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>That's
<i>terrible</i>
advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>But
whyyyyyyyy</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Mostly
because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck
who smells like cow shit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Oh.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and
there...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
<i>[sighing] </i>I
wish you'd blow here.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>You've
<i>really</i> gotta work on your phrasing, man.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>What?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Never
mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or
something while you're at it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>BUT
I CAN'T</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
And why not?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE
A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>He's really not good at
metaphors.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>I
WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
… 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of
suicide –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>Dammit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>–
and tell you <i>once again</i>
that I'm not interested.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Good for you, Adina! Way to not
define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Me: </b>Just
wait twenty minutes.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>PLEEEEEASE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>FUCK
OFF ALREADY</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
FINE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[They both
leave.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Thank god.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[The Chorus
enters.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The
Chorus: </b>OH
WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Enter
Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the
Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>HI
FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION
THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:
</b>ooooh</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:</b>
<i>[holding up a bottle]</i>
IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR
GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE
FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:
</b>aaaaah</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION
LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Thanks for the infomercial. Can
we move on with the opera yet?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Nope.
He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>fuuuuuuuck</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:</b>
I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD
ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus: </b>HOW
MUCH</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>I'LL
GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That doesn't even make sense.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus: </b>HERE
YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>Done
and done.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Everyone buys
some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets
an idea.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Hey,
Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions
and elixirs and whatnot.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>Indubitably! My suitcase holds
more wonders than Pandora's box!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>THAT'S FOUR</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>You
know what? I don't even care anymore.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>Awesome. Would you possibly
happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>I
have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
You know, like... an elixir of love?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>Oh,
right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll
let you have it for –</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b><i>[counting his money]</i>
I have seventy-five cents.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara: </b>–
seventy-five cents!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Dulcamara
takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>OH
WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>You're
welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>So
how do I use it?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>You
drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by
which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any
unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out
of their hard-earned cash.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
What?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>Nothing.
No refunds, by the way.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>I'm
sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>It
tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since
it's <i>definitely
magical </i>and
<i>totally not</i>
a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>Awesome.
Thanks!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>Also,
you have to promise not to tell anyone.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
I promise!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>Wonderful!
Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
But I only want <i>one
particular woman</i>
because she's my true love!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dulcamara:
</b>It's
funny how you think I give a shit. Later!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Dulcamara
exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>You
know, it really<i> does</i>
taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[He
chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are
instantly visible, because of course they are.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>LA
LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>So... was the alcohol instantly
absorbed into his bloodstream or something?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti:
</b>Apparently.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Wow. It really <i>is</i>
magic.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Adina
enters.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>WHO
THE FUCK IS SINGING</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[He
pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>Oh,
it's just Ne<i>moron</i>o.
What the hell is he so happy about?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>Rrrgh,
why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>Is
he actually ignoring me? The <i>village
idiot</i>
is ignoring <i>me?</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b><i>[to
himself] </i>Laugh while you
can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be <i>begging</i>
to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That's a terrible name for your
penis.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>I
think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[She
approaches him.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>Soooo
you seem pretty happy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>You
know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and
richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I <i>am</i>,
I'm gonna call bullshit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:
</b>WHY
ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The
Audience: </b>Oh,
just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore:
</b><i>[offstage]</i>
DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH
IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>Not
<i>this</i>
guy again.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Why,
are you jealous?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
NO</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Belcore
enters.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Hey,
baby. Did you miss me?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Not
even remotely.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>I
love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b><i>[looking
at Nemorino]</i> Maaaaybe.
As long as he's not jealous or anything.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>DO
WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Okay,
fine. <i>[to Belcore]</i>
Let's get married!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore:
</b>yessssss</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:
</b>mother<i>fucker</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>How
does six days from now sound?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Like you've already got a bun
in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your
baby-daddy?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>It
sounds great!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>What
the hell is he talking about?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Fucked
if I know. He's an idiot.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Do
you mind if I kick his ass?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Be
my guest!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Belcore
is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters,
followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta:
</b>SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A
MESSAGE FOR YOU</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[She
hands Belcore a note.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore:
</b><i>[reading]</i>
It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow
morning!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus: </b>OH
NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
WOOHOO</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Soldiers:
</b>Are we going to war or
something?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>How
the fuck should I know? <i>[to
Adina]</i> It looks like
we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>This
is my disappointed face.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Will
you be true to me while I'm gone?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>It's
almost definitely a possibility!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b><i>[to
himself]</i> Oh man, I can't
wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>Unless
maybe you'd like to get married today... ?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b><i>What?</i>
NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>Aaaand
<i>there's</i>
the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. <i>[to
Belcore]</i> Sure! Today's a
<i>great</i>
day for a wedding!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
MOTHERFUCKER</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:
</b>YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Yeah, because they always turn
out <i>so well</i>
in Donizetti operas.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore: </b>It's
none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I
wreck your shit.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b>It's
okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with
me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Gianetta: </b>HA
HA WHAT A PUSSY</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Everyone:
</b><i>[laughs at Nemorino]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino: </b>But...
but...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina: </b><i>[aside]</i>
This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to
inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that
I have absolutely <i>no
intention whatsoever</i> of
going through with this wedding.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>That... seems a little harsh.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Adina:</b>
Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and
Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they
once were!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Audience:
</b>Holy shit. We didn't know this
opera had a villain.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Donizetti: </b>Oh,
yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[Nemorino
has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd
mocks him.]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Belcore:
</b>EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE
WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>The Chorus:
</b>WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Nemorino:</b>
<i>[weeps softly]</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>[End
of Act I.]</i><br />
<br />
Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/11/lelisir-damore-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-75294454934196710462012-10-28T19:35:00.000-04:002012-10-28T19:42:15.007-04:00Die Zauberflöte, Act II<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/die-zauberflote-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Act II:</i></b> <i>A grove outside the temple. Sarastro, the Speaker, and a bunch of priests enter, and Sarastro delivers some expository dialogue with his characteristic gravitas – which is to say that it's very regal and very enlightened and also entirely devoid of any emotion whatsoever.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Blah blah Tamino blah blah prince blah blah seeking wisdom so we should probably let him join our little club.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> But only if he can pass our deadly trials, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> He damn well better. The whole reason I kidnapped Pamina in the first place was so she could get married to Tamino, who will take over as high priest once I pass away. If he screws up the trials, it kinda throws a monkey wrench into my plans.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Priest:</b> Sooo basically you're planning to marry a girl you <i>kidnapped</i> – and over whom you have <i>no legal authority</i> – to a guy you've just met.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Yuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> And you're also planning to make this guy, whom – to reiterate – you've <i>never met before in your life,</i> the head of our sacred order. Instead of, you know... someone who's actually a member already.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> When you put it <i>that</i> way, it sounds irresponsible.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Little bit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> And where does the bird-man fit into your plan, anyway?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Oh, he doesn't.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> So why are we making him go through the trials too?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> … for the hell of it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wow, this guy's kind of a dick.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Let us now pray to Isis and Osiris!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, because praying to the Egyptian god of the underworld is the most optimistic thing you can do right now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Great gods, grant Tamino and Papageno wisdom and patience and stuff!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> GRANT THEM WISDOM AND PATIENCE AND STUUUUFF
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Also, there's a distinct possibility that both of them will die during these trials – but it's okay because then they'll get to experience the joys of the afterlife!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> WOOOO JOYS OF THE AFTERLIFE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Okay, this is starting to get creepy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yeah, Sarastro's band of sun-worshipers is pretty much just a glorified cult.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> How bad are we talking? Jonestown? Waco?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> They're less crazy militaristic and more obsessed with secret knowledge, sooo the closest parallel would probably be Scientology. Just picture Tamino and Pamina as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Holy shit. Everything makes sense now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> You're welcome.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Sarastro exits with the chorus. The Speaker and two priests lead Tamino and Papageno in.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> So, Tamino – are you willing to risk death to achieve enlightenment?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Totally! I'm <i>all about</i> seeking wisdom, despite the fact that I've been nothing but a useless jackass this entire time and I've been thinking with my penis instead of with my brain.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Priest:</b> Awesome. What about bird-man?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>Hell</i> no. Fuck this noise; I'm outta here.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> But wait – there's more! If you undergo our trials in the next twenty minutes, we'll throw in a hot piece of barely-legal ass for <i>free!</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> DID SOMEONE SAY KNOWLEDGE I LOVE KNOWLEDGE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Priest:</b> So you'll do it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Maaaaybe. How hot <i>is</i> this girl, anyway? 'Cause I won't risk life and limb for anything under an eight.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> Welllll she looks exactly like you, so...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Wow. A perfect ten.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> What's her name, anyway?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> Papagena.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> ... I'm <i>so aroused</i> right now it's not even funny.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Aaaand I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that. So what happens now?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Your trials will consist of shutting the fuck up. We're imposing a vow of silence on you both, starting right now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Sooo wait. You want your two main characters to start being silent in the middle of the opera?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>John Cage:</b> I fail to see the problem.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>John Cage:</b> Gladly!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> On second thought, it might be a better idea to just forbid you from talking to <i>women.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Because they're evil bitches?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Exactly. You learn quickly!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First and Second Priests:</b> WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED SO DON'T TALK TO THEM OR THE GODS WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> … 'kay.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Speaker and the priests leave. Without the radiance of their Manly Wisdom™, night falls immediately.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> DAMMIT WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT SARASTRO WAS BAD NEWS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED NOW
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> noooooooooo
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Shut up. Vow of silence, remember?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Just be strong and keep repeating what the Priests told you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[sighing]</i> “Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> That's the spirit!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Men in the Audience:</b> Man, this opera is <i>hilarious.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Women in the Audience:</b> Ahahahaha yeah it's great and also you're sleeping on the couch tonight.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> THE QUEEN IS COMING AND SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Uh oh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> AND ALSO THE PRIESTS ARE TOTALLY EVIL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yeah, that's not good.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> AND ANYONE WHO JOINS THE PRIESTS IS DRAGGED TO HELL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> OH GOD NO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Soooo Papageno is talking to the Ladies. Is he gonna die now, or what?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Nah.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So what was the point of all those warnings?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> The warnings created the illusion that any of this actually matters and that Sarastro's order is more than just a kids' clubhouse with a “No Girls Allowed” sign on the door.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Le sigh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Hey, Tamino, these chicks are really freaking me out with all their talk of damnation and stuff.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Just calm your tits.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> But the Queen says –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> What the Queen says doesn't matter because she has the feeble mind of a female. Now sit down and shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> grumble grumble
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Tamiiinooooo why are you being so meeeeeaaaan
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Just taaaalk to uuuuuussssssss
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino, having apparently grown a pair during the intermission, refuses to reply.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Papageeeeeeeenoooooooo
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> That still counts as talking.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> But –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> <i>Shhh!</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Fiiine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno folds his arms and pouts.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Well, shit. They won't talk to us now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> This is boring. Let's just get out of here.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino and Papageno:</b> WOOO WE WIN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Offstage Chorus:</b> WE HEAR THE SOUND OF EVIL WOMEN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Ladies:</b> OH SHIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> OH SHIIIIIIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies flee and Papageno faints. The Speaker and Second Priest enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Great job, Tamino! Keep it up and you'll be a member of the cult in no time.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Yaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> And Papageno... you suck. Really.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Shut up. I'm only doing this so I can finally get laid.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They leave to begin the next stage of their trials. The scene changes to a garden. Pamina is asleep on a chaise, and Monostatos enters with sore feet and blue balls.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> I FEEL YOU CREEPIN' I CAN SEE IT FROM MY SHADOW</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WANNA JUMP UP IN MY LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">MAYBE GO TO MY PLACE AND JUST KICK IT LIKE TAE BO</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">THEN POSSIBLY BEND YOU OVER</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">LOOK BACK AND WATCH ME SMACK THAT</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ALL ON THE FLOOR –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Gross.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Seriously, though. I'm gonna hit that, one way or another.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> I don't think you're her type.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Look at her! She's <i>totally</i> asking for it.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> She's asleep.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Exactly. If she were awake, she'd probably say no.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Can't imagine why.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Hey, it's not <i>my</i> fault people don't want to get with me! It's 'cause I'm black!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> No, it's because you're CREEPY AS FUCK.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> OH SHIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He hides. Pamina wakes up just in time to see the Queen of the Night enter, wielding a dagger.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STUPID PRINCE I SENT TO RESCUE YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Tamino? Oh, he's undergoing some trials to join the priests or something.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Nope. Sorry.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> Well, it looks like the balance of power is totally fucked now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> How so? Aren't you crazy powerful and stuff?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> My magic powers have gone to shit since your dad died. A woman is <i>nothing</i> without a man at her side, remember?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Right. Sorry. So what's the deal with that dagger?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> Oh, this old thing? It's just the dagger you're going to use to murder Sarastro and steal the magic sun-circle from his chest.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> <i>What?
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> You heard me. Go shank the old bastard and bring me his necklace.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Why don't you just do it yourself? <i>You're</i> the one who hates him, and you can clearly get in and out of the temple with no problem.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> No, it has to be you. I'd explain, but it's all wibbly-wobbly and... magicky-wagicky.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> No.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> Young lady, you should know better than to talk back to your mother when the vengeance of Hell is burning in her heart.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> But I don't <i>wanna</i> kill Sarastro!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> PAMINA MARIE OF THE NIGHT IF YOU DO NOT USE THIS KNIFE TO KILL SARASTRO THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> GOD MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Queen forces Pamina to take the dagger and promptly swoops out in proper diva fashion. Monostatos emerges from his hiding place.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Oh, Christ. Not <i>you</i> again.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Sooo I've got an idea. How about you have sex with me, and maybe I won't tell Sarastro that you're planning to murder him?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Not gonna happen.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He takes the dagger from her.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Come on, baby. You know what they say; once you go black, you don't go –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> DON'T SAY IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> – to prison for conspiracy to commit murder.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Whew.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> I would <i>literally rather die</i> than have sex with you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Funny you should mention that.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He tries to stab her, but Sarastro appears at the last minute and stops him.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Oh. Hi. This really isn't what it looks like, you know.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Bullshit. Your soul is as black as your face.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Uh... did he actually just say that?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I WRECK YOUR SHIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Monostatos runs away, swearing vengeance.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Sooo my mom asked me to murder you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Yeah, she's kind of a bitch. Are you gonna do it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Probably not.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Good. My order is hella peaceful, so violence and revenge have no place inside this holy temple.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Um... didn't you have your underlings whip the shit out of Monostatos' feet at the end of Act I?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Technically, that occurred <i>outside</i> the temple. So I'm pretty sure that was okay.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You're just all kinds of fucked up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> SOMETHING SOMETHING BROTHERLY LOOOOOVE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The scene changes again. The Speaker and the Second Priest lead Tamino and Papageno in.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Just remember – shut the hell up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Priest:</b> If you break your silence, the gods will punish you with thunder and lightning.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Just some bad weather? Didn't they say before that the punishment would be <i>death?</i> Or something similar?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> That was like... two whole scenes ago. Let it go already.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Speaker and the Second Priest exit.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> This sucks.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You suck too.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> You're the worst companion ever.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Tamiiinoooooooo I'm thirstyyyyyyyy
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[A wrinkled old crone appears, carrying a goblet of water.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Hey, baby. Come here often?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Not if I can help it. Is that cup for me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She nods. He takes a drink of the water.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Dammit. I was hoping this was whiskey or something.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we could really use some Jack right now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno and the Old Woman sit down.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Soooo you're pretty much the wrinkliest thing I've ever seen. How old are you, anyway?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Eighteen.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You're so full of shit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> You know, you look an awful lot like my boyfriend. He wears lots of feathers –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I don't like where this is going.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> – and his name is Papageno –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Starting to border on creepy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> – and he's sitting right next to me!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She grabs his ass.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Aaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[There's a clap of thunder. The Old Woman hobbles off, and the Three Spirits enter with a tray of food and the enchanted instruments.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> Hey, remember us from Act I? We get to do stuff now!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Whatever. Do you guys want a medal or something?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> SHUT UP WE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> Keep up the good work, Tamino! You've almost achieved enlightenment!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Yaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> What about me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> Just try to shut up for once.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You know what? <i>Fuck</i> you guys.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Spirits leave. Papageno starts stuffing his face, but Tamino starts playing his flute instead.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You sure you don't want any of this?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> <i>toot toot tootle
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Suit yourself.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno unhinges his jaw like a fucking burmese python and swallows an entire roast chicken.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> That was horrifying.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina runs onstage.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> My beautiful prince! I followed the sound of your flute!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Want to make out?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Why aren't you talking to me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> PAPAGENO WHAT'S GOING ON
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> om nom nom nom
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh, for the love of god. You'll talk when the penalty is death, but <i>now</i> you decide to start following the rules?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> TAMINO YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART AND IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND IMPULSIVE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE SUICIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> …
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> FINE THEN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She leaves in tears. Tamino mopes.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this vow of silence!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You're an asshole.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Trumpets sound, indicating that Tamino and Papageno should move on to the next section of their trials. Tamino, being dutiful and honorable and crap, leaves when he hears the trumpets. Papageno, on the other hand... ]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh man, this food is <i>so fucking good</i>. A pride of <i>ravenous lions</i> couldn't drag me away from this feast!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro: </b>Challenge accepted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Some magical lions appear.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> oh shit I gotta lay off those 'shrooms
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno runs offstage. The scene changes to a hall in the temple. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR TAMINO TO JOIN OUR CULT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino is led in by a priest.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Excellent work so far, Tamino. You just have to beat the water temple and the fire temple, and then you can win the hand of the princess.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> … when exactly did this opera turn into a Zelda game?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Spirits:</b> Hey! <i>Listen!
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> SHUT THE FUCK UP
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Anyway, it's time for you to say goodbye to Pamina. You know, just in case you drown or burn to death.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina is brought in, blindfolded.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Soooo you forbade me from speaking to her before, but now we can talk as long as we're only saying goodbye?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Pretty much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Dude... cockblock.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> TAMIIINOOOO HOLD ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> On second thought, I'm cool with not seeing her again.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> I know, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> DON'T GO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> BUT I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE REASONS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> I HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> He'll be fine. Maybe.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> THAT'S NOT VERY REASSURING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Stop being so damn clingy, woman. Don't you have a mournful aria to sing or something?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> That's my boy. <i>[to Pamina]</i> It's time for Tamino to go face his destiny!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> NOOOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> It's okay; I'll see you after I defeat Ganondorf!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> I'LL MISS YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I'LL MISS YOU TOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> I'LL MISS YOU MORE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE ALREADY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina is led away, crying womanly tears and generally making a scene. Tamino, Sarastro, and the chorus leave to prepare for the final trials. Papageno enters, having once again gotten himself completely lost.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> TAMIIINOOOO WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Speaker enters.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Okay, bird-man, here's the deal. You're completely and utterly pathetic and you deserve to wander in the darkness <i>forever</i> –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[whimpers]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> – buuut the gods have taken pity on you for some reason.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> WOOHOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> The gods will allow you one wish. Ask, and it shall be granted.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Anything in the world?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Anything.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> In that case, I could <i>really</i> go for a glass of wine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> … really? That's your <i>one desire?</i> Not the pretty little wife you've been looking for this whole opera, or even a map so your dumb ass can find a way out of here?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I stand by my rash decision!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> You're going to regret this later, you know.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[shrugging]</i> Meh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Speaker exits and glass of wine appears. Papageno takes a sip.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> HOLY SHIT THIS WINE IS SO GOOD
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He drains the rest of the cup.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> But you know what would be even <i>better</i> than a glass of wine? That pretty little wife I've been looking for the whole opera!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> YOU'RE A MORON
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno quickly turns into a weepy drunk.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> OH MAN I'M GONNA DIE ALONE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Old Woman enters.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> You know, you don't <i>have to</i> die alone.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I don't?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> You can marry me! I'll be the best wife <i>ever!
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Why not?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>Look</i> at you! You're about a <i>million years old</i> and your lady-bits are probably drier than Oscar Wilde's sense of humor.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Ouch.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Well, think of it this way – if you <i>don't</i> agree to marry me, you'll be stuck here forever. No friends, no sex, and nothing to eat and drink but bread and water.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> … when they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I don't think they mean it like this.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Time's running out, sweetcheeks.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Ugh. If I marry you, you have to agree to <i>never call me that again.</i> Deal?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Old Woman:</b> Deal.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Fiiine. I promise to marry you and be completely faithful to you, at least until someone hotter comes along.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Suddenly, the Old Woman turns into a hot, feathery eighteen-year-old.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> HOLY SHIT YOU'RE PAPAGENA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papagena:</b> Yuuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno attempts to mount her then and there, but the Speaker appears and intervenes.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Sorry, but you have to be at least <i>this</i> enlightened to ride the bird-lady.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> DAMMIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So, wait. Papagena looks and acts just like Papageno and even has a similar name?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Pretty much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> And yet Papageno never even <i>considers</i> the possibility that she could be his long-lost sister or something like that?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart: </b>Apparently not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Gross.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The scene changes again. The Three Spirits enter, singing about the glory of the dawning day.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Spirits:</b> IT SYMBOLIZES THE TRIUMPH OF WISDOM OVER SUPERSTITION
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we got that. Thanks.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> But wait! I see Pamina approaching!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> She looks crazy and suicidal!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> We should probably stop her. But let's wait until the <i>last possible second</i> before we do!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You guys are dicks.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They hide. Pamina enters, holding the Queen's dagger.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> TAMINO HAS ABANDONED ME AND MY MOM HAS DISOWNED ME SO I THINK I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>No One:</b> <i>[gives a fuck]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> I MEAN IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>No One:</b> <i>[still gives a fuck]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> OKAY I'M GONNA STAB MYSELF NOW
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Spirits jump out and stop her.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> What, what, WHAT are you doing.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> TAMINO DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOORE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> And your first thought was to commit suicide?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> That's how women work, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> SHUT UP ALREADY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> Look, Pamina – if you stop being a stupid bitch for two seconds, we'll take you to Tamino. It's kinda what we do.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Really?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> Yeah.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Wow. Guess I kinda overreacted, huh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> Yuuuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Spirits lead Pamina offstage. The scene changes again – there are two mountains, one with a waterfall and one consumed by fire and lava and shit. Two men in armor lead Tamino in.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Armored Men:</b> YOU MUST PASS THROUGH FIRE AND WATER BEFORE YOU CAN ASSUME THE MANTLE OF THE AVATAR AND BRING BALANCE TO THE WORLD
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> It looks... fiery.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Armored Men:</b> YEAH HAVE FUN AND ALSO TRY NOT TO DIE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> <i>[calling from offstage]</i> TAMIIINOOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Wait a sec. Is that Pamina?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Armored Men:</b> YES YOU MORON IT'S PAMINA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Am I still under that stupid fucking vow of silence?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Armored Men:</b> NAH IT'S COOL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina runs in. She and Tamino embrace.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> TAMINO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I LOVE YOU TOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> LET'S UNDERGO THE FINAL TRIAL TOGETHER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> OKAY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PLAY YOUR MAGIC FLUTE BECAUSE IT CAN CONTROL THE ELEMENTS AND STUFF
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Really? Wow. That's a <i>much</i> better idea than the one I had.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Which was... ?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> To run through the fire really fast before I got incinerated.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Planning isn't your strong suit, is it.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Nnnnnope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino starts playing the flute and they pass through the trial of fire unharmed.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino and Pamina:</b> WOO WE'RE AWESOME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino plays the flute again and they pass through the trial of water.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino and Pamina:</b> WOOOO THAT WASN'T ANTICLIMACTIC AT ALL</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Offstage Chorus:</b> YAAAAAAY NOW YOU CAN ENTER THE TEMPLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> And all the plot threads have been resolved!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Yeah, about that. Have you seen Papageno anywhere?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> All the plot threads that <i>matter</i> have been resolved!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The scene changes again. Papageno is still lost.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I'M REGRETTING MY RASH DECISION
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> Told you, bitch!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I can't find Papagena anywhere, so I think I'm going to commit suicide because that seems perfectly rational. Unless someone in the audience wants me to live...?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Crickets:</b> chirp chirp
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Nothing? Oh, you can all go to hell. I bet you sons of bitches would clap for Tinkerbell if <i>she</i> asked!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Remember the time that Pamina actually needed you to talk to her? And that was the <i>one time in the opera</i> when you decided to shut up? Yeah, karma's a bitch.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Fuck.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> FINE. I don't want to live in your stupid world anymore because you're all a bunch of stupidheads and I hate you. And now I'm going to hang myself on this tree.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Spirits enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Spirits:</b> WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SUICIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I LOST MY SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND AND NOW I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> Remember your magic glockenspiel that can do anything the plot requires at any given moment?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> … no?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> We gave it back to you, like... four scenes ago.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Not ringing any bells.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Ha. We see what you did there.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> It's hanging from your belt, moron.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh, you mean <i>that</i> glockenspiel.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He starts playing the glockenspiel.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Come onnn big money big money no whammies!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papagena appears.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Pa... pa... pa... PAPAGENA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papagena:</b> Pika... pika... PIKACHU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> What?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papagena:</b> I MEAN PAPAGENO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Better.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> homina homina homina
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papagena:</b> We make the sex now?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Absolutely. And we'll have so many babies!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papagena:</b> FOUR HUNDRED BABIES
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then they start screwing like rabbits, right there on the stage.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Spirits:</b> OH GOD WE'RE STILL HERE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[There's another scene change. The Queen of the Night, the Three Ladies, and the traitorous Monostatos are trying to sneak into the temple and murder everyone inside.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh, right. We forgot this opera had villains.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> BE VERY VERY QUIET
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> QUIET IS WHAT I DO BEST
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Ladies:</b> WE ARE ALSO VERY QUIET
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> WE'RE ALMOST INSIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> AND THEN WE CAN GET OUR MURDER ON
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Ladies:</b> YAAAAAAY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wait, hasn't the Queen of the Night already proven that she can get into the temple whenever she needs to?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> … maybe?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So why does she even need Monostatos?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Stop asking questions.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Villains:</b> OH NO WE'RE DYING FOR SOME REASON
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wait, what the hell just happened?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then the scene changes back to the interior of the temple and everyone's happy again!]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> The power of Light has triumphed over Darkness!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> WOOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> No, really. Where are the Queen and the Three Ladies?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> I did magic to them and they fell over. And now Tamino and Pamina can get married and they'll rule as enlightened monarchs and <i>everything</i> will be awesome <i>forever!
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> The moral of the story is that you don't need to be brave, intelligent, or even <i>remotely competent</i> to triumph over evil, as long as you have enough wizards and magic trinkets to keep saving your dumb ass!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> YAAAAY FREEMASONRY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[End of the opera.]</i>
</span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Partially adapted from the <a href="http://snarkincorporated.blogspot.com/2012/01/operagasm-magic-flute-act-ii.html" target="_blank">original post</a> at Snark & Son, Inc.]</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-61889838417323269352012-10-21T19:34:00.001-04:002013-06-10T16:44:45.691-04:00Die Zauberflöte, Act I<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Die Zauberflöte</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A <i>Singspiel</i><b><i> </i></b>in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/die-zauberflote-act-ii.html">Act II</a>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Music:</i> Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Libretto: </i>Emanuel Schikaneder</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[</i><b><i>Act I:</i></b> <i>Somewhere in a forest. Or on a mountain. Or some combination of the two. Everything looks vaguely mythological and there are probably triangles everywhere because MASONIC SYMBOLISM. Prince Tamino runs on, pursued by a giant phallic metaphor.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Okay, so the opera is off to a pretty exciting start. This guy is probably gonna slay the shit out of that dragon... serpent... thing, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> HOLY SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> ... or not.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I'M SO SCARED I'M LITERALLY ABOUT TO VOID MY BOWELS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wow. What a pussy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then he faints.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> This is the worst opera ever. We're outta here.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Just as the serpent is about to sink its fangs into Tamino's soft, supple body, a trio of foxy ladies appears.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Hellooooo nurses.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Ladies:</b> WE HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SERPENTS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FAIRY TALE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies zap the creature with some crazy magic mojo and kill it totally dead.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> That's right, bitch. <i>No one</i> messes with the Three Ladies.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So, wait. Are they actually just called "the Three Ladies?"
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Yuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Huh. So what are their names? Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee? Charlotte, Emily, and Anne?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> First Lady, Second Lady, and Third Lady.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> They probably don't like that too much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Don't be ridiculous! Women don't have <i>feelings.
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Woooo we totally just saved this guy's life!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> ... he's not moving. He <i>is</i> still alive, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They move in closer to get a better look.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Yeah, he's still breathing. I think he's just unconscious.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second and Third Ladies:</b> Yaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> And he's also really hot.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second and Third Ladies:</b> Yaaaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> DIBS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Hey, no fair!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> I already called dibs in my head!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> That's stupid and so are you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> <i>You're</i> stupid!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> ...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> ...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> There's only one way to settle this – rock, paper, magic glockenspiel.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> You always win that because you cheat.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> No, <i>you</i> always lose because you always pick rock.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Because rock should beat glockenspiel! It's a fucking <i>rock,</i> for god's sake!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Nothing beats glockenspiel. It's magic.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> grumble grumble
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> <i>[getting an idea]</i> Hey, do you think maybe this guy could help out the Queen?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Maybe. You two go ask her; I'll stay here and guard McDreamy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Nnnnope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Yeah, I don't trust you to be here alone with him.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> <i>[offended]</i> And why not?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Because you're a weak-willed woman and you'll give in to your lustful desires as soon as we're gone?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Hmph. Well, I could say the same about both of you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Touché.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> <i>[sighing]</i> If only we had a big, strong man to tell us what to do!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> This is awkward.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Just wait; it gets worse.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> So I guess the only solution is for the three of us to go find the Queen together.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Unless we wanted to take turns... ?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> I don't share. Let's go, Ladies.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> So, wait. We're just gonna leave him here?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> What's the worst that could happen?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Umm... he could get eaten by a fucking dragon, apparently.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> I'm sure he'll be fine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies depart, blowing kisses to their unconscious sweetheart. Tamino wakes up and sees the carcass of the serpent.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> AHHHHH IT'S GONNA EAT ME AHHHHH oh wait it's dead. Huh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[A pan flute sounds nearby.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> OH GOD SOMEONE'S PLAYING A FLUTE I'D BETTER HIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You're the worst mythological hero ever.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino hides. A strange bird-man enters, carrying a net and cage and wearing pan-pipes around his neck, and proceeds to introduce himself to the audience.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Howdy! I'm Papageno, your friendly neighborhood bird-catcher. I'm everyone's favorite character because I don't give a damn about wisdom or destiny and I mostly just want to eat, drink, and fuck all day long.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Sounds about right.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I use this net to catch birds, but I frequently fantasize about using it to catch women! If I could, I'd catch <i>all the foxy ladies in the world</i> and then I'd lock them up and choose the one I liked best and trade the other women for sugar because that's <i>totally</i> a thing that people do and then I'd give the sugar to my favorite lady and then she'd love me <i>forever</i> and she'd sex me up and give birth to dozens of bird-children!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> That's kinda fucked up. But kidnapping and sex trafficking have never sounded quite so charming!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> I know, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno starts tending to the birds in his cage. Tamino finally decides that Papageno isn't going to murder and/or eat him, so he emerges from his hiding place.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Hey!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Hey.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Um... who are you?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Just a guy who's trying to do his job without random assholes interrupting him. Who are you?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a prince.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Cool story, bro.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno starts feeding his birds again.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Sooo what's the deal with all those feathers? You look like a –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> – like a what? Like a <i>bird?</i> You know, I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone asking me about this. Just because I'm covered in feathers doesn't mean I'm some sort of disgusting avian hybrid creature. MAYBE I JUST LIKE FEATHERS YOU ASSHOLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> ... I was just gonna say you look like an idiot.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh. Fair enough.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> So hey, are you the one who killed that giant serpent?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> HOLY SHIT WHAT SERPENT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> That dead one over there. Did you kill it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh. Ahem. Yes; yes I did. I kill dragons and serpents and shit all the time because I'm super strong and manly.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Three Ladies:</b> Aw, <i>hell</i> naw.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Wait – who are those ladies?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh, they're just the Queen of the Night's handmaidens or something. Every day they take my birds and give me food in return!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Did you ever think that maybe you could just eat the birds and not bother with the exchange?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> ... no?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Papageno, we need to have a little talk.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> We sure do! Here are today's birds; now hand over the food and wine!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Yeah, about that. Here's some water and a couple of rocks. Bon appétit, asshole.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> But –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> And also here's a golden padlock for your mouth so you'll shut the hell up for once.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then they lock his mouth shut. Literally.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wait, what the <i>what?</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> It's magic or something. Don't think about it too much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Okay, so let's ask you that question one more time – and if you lie to us, we'll murder you until you're <i>dead.</i> Got it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno nods.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Good. Were you the one who slew the serpent?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno shakes his head.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Good boy. <i>[to Tamino]</i> <i>We're</i> the ones who saved your wonderfully-shaped ass, prince. You're welcome. Also, have a portrait of the Queen of the Night's daughter!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She hands Tamino a locket with a picture of a pretty pretty princess, and the Three Ladies depart.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Wow. She's so hot. Like... seriously. I think I'm falling in love with her!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[muffled sarcastic noises]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I'LL BE THE PRINCE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">AND YOU'LL BE THE PRINCESS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">IT'S A LOVE STORY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">BABY JUST SAY YES
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Once again... Worst. Hero. <i>Ever.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino finishes drooling on the locket and the Three Ladies show up again.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> We're getting really sick of leaving and re-entering every five seconds, so we're just gonna stay onstage for a while.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[growls]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Oh, and by the way – the princess is named Pamina and she's been kidnapped by an evil sorcerer and the Queen wants to you rescue her.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> You know, because you proved your bravery <i>so well</i> against the serpent.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> In any case, if you can rescue the princess, you'll get to marry her and make lots of beautiful royal babies.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Because that's what women are for! Amirite?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Fuck off.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Sounds good to me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> But first, the Queen of the Night is going to sing at you for several minutes!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[There is a crash of thunder.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> She's coming!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> She's coming!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> She's coming!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> <i>[muffled laughter]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Shut up, bird-man.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Queen of the Night enters, looking appropriately splendiferous.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> OH HI TAMINO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD RESCUE MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS STOLEN FROM ME BY AN EVIL SORCERER NAMED SARASTRO AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEAK WOMAN –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> This is going to be a theme of the opera, in case you couldn't tell.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> – BUT FIRST LISTEN TO MY KICKASS COLORATURA SHIT AND MY HIGH F
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> daaaaaamn
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Queen of the Night:</b> But really. Go find my daughter or I'll cut you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She leaves.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> She seems... intense.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> You get used to it after a while.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> HM HM HM HM HRMF MRFLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I have no idea what you're saying.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> HLP MRF
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I'd take the lock off, but I'm too weak.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Truth.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Fiiiine, we'll take away the stupid lock.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She unlocks Papageno's mouth.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> YESSS I CAN TALK AGAIN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> But don't tell any more lies, or else we'll find you and torture you some more.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Yeah, we do a lot of torturing.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Really? That sounds kinda evil.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> What my stupid sister or friend or whatever <i>meant</i> to say is that we only hurt bad people like liars and thieves because we're the <i>exact opposite</i> of evil and you can <i>always trust us forever.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Sounds legit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Also, please take this magic flute! It can control men's hearts and the elements and shit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> That's really cool, but I never learned how to play the flute.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> You don't have to know how! It's magic!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Yaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Wellllll this is a really great party and everything, but I should really be going.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Not so fast. You're going to help Tamino rescue the princess from Sarastro's castle.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh, <i>hell</i> to the no. Sarastro will murder me and feed my corpse to his dogs!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> I fail to see the problem.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I'm too pretty to die!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Whatever. Just trust the prince; he'll keep you safe.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that. He's like... the prissiest prince ever. He doesn't even have a sword; he has a <i>flute.</i> What the fuck is he going to do against an evil sorcerer?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> Fiiiiine. Just stop whining and take this magic glockenspiel.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> It'll protect you or something.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Really?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> Kinda. It pretty much does whatever is necessary to advance the plot at any given moment.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yaaaaay for protection!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yaaaaay for advancing the plot!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> So, wait. How exactly are we supposed to find Sarastro's secret lair, anyway?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Lady:</b> It's not a secret lair. It's a giant fucking temple full of sun-worshipers. You can't miss it.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You say that, but you might not want to underestimate how <i>incredibly stupid</i> we are.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Seriously. It's kind of a problem.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The Three Ladies confer for a moment.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> Fine; we'll give you a few guides to make sure you get there safely.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She whistles, and three figures appear.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Lady:</b> These are the Three Spirits!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> And let us guess. Their names are –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> First Spirit, Second Spirit, and Third Spirit!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You're the worst.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Lady:</b> The Three Spirits will guide you to Sarastro's temple, where you will rescue Pamina from the light of the sun and return her to her rightful place in the darkness of night!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> That doesn't sound even <i>remotely</i> foreboding!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> I'm <i>sure</i> we can trust these nice ladies! Let's go!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Everyone waves goodbye to each other, and the Three Spirits lead Tamino and Papageno off to start their great adventure. The scene changes to a room in Sarastro's palace; Pamina has just been caught trying to escape, and is being harassed by the evil moor Monostatos, a servant of Sarastro.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Hey, baby. Did you miss me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Don't touch me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Oh, stop being so frigid. I'm not really that bad.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> You're a disgusting barbarian and I hate you and I'd rather die than succumb to your advances.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> It's funny that you think you have any choice in the matter. <i>[calling to his slaves]</i> Bring the fuzzy handcuffs!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Noooooo
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She faints. The slaves tie Pamina up and leave her alone with the evil black man who wants to spend all of his time raping white women.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Jesus Christ. Who wrote this libretto, Jefferson Davis?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Emanuel Schikaneder. He's a friend of mine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Emanuel Schikaneder:</b> But I prefer to be called "The Schikanator."
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You're a douche.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno chooses this moment to wander in. Unsurprisingly, it has taken him under two minutes to get separated from the others and completely lose his way – but he still managed to find Pamina, so Papageno's complete incompetence is still more effective than anything Tamino has done this whole opera.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> That would be funny if it weren't so depressingly true.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Where the hell <i>am</i> I? Oh, wait – there are people over there! I think I'll just ask for directions.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He wanders over and comes face to face with Monostatos.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BLACK MAN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BIRD MAN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Both:</b> OH SHIT IT MUST BE THE DEVIL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> oh woooow this is uncomfortable
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> I know, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then Papageno and Monostatos make angry faces at each other until Monostatos runs away, proving himself to be a slightly bigger coward than Papageno.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> What a wuss. I guess it was pretty stupid to be afraid of him because he's black.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> After all – there are black <i>birds,</i> so why shouldn't there be black <i>people?</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> But... that's not... wow. You just compared black people to animals.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina wakes up.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> What the hell? What just happened?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> You passed out or something. Are you Pamina?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> HOLY CRAP WHO ARE YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> I'm Papageno! The Queen of the Night sent me and some jackass of a prince to find you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> My mother sent you?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yes – assuming you're actually Pamina and not some random bondage enthusiast. I met this prince named Tamino earlier today and your mother thought he was handsome and stuff so she gave him your portrait and he fell in love with you right away!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> If he loves me so much, where the hell <i>is</i> he?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Um... he sent me ahead to announce his arrival.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Uh-huh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Yeah.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He helps her out of the fuzzy handcuffs.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> He has no idea where you are, does he.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> None at all. I'm completely fucking lost.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Wonderful. I'm glad my rescuers are so competent.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Look, can we just leave before Sarastro finds us and skins me alive? We have to get you back to your true love and everything.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> And I'm sure you have to get back to your wife!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Nope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Girlfriend?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Nnnnope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> ... favorite prostitute?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Surprisingly, there aren't many hookers who will accept payment in live birds.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> That's not as surprising as you might think.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> OH GOD I'M SO LONELY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> <i>[patting him on the shoulder]</i> It's okay. I'm sure you'll find a sweetheart eventually.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> But I want to get laid nooooow
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> LOVE IS AWESOME AND IT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> FALLING IN LOVE AND HAVING BABIES IS A WOMAN'S MAIN DUTY IN LIFE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Both:</b> WE LOVE THE IDEA OF LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE WILL BOTH ATTEMPT SUICIDE WHEN WE THINK OUR RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T GOING TO WORK OUT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Nice to know you guys handle your problems in a healthy fashion.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pamina and Papageno have become best friends over the course of a three-minute duet, which is less of a problem than you might think because it actually makes more sense than instantly falling in love with someone's portrait. They join hands and run offstage. The scene changes once more, this time to a nearby grove. There are three temple gates here: the Temple of Nature, the Temple of Reason, and the Temple of Wisdom. Tamino enters with the Three Spirits.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Where the hell are we now?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> We're at the Temple of Wisdom.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> And I'll find Pamina inside?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> Who said anything about Pamina?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> But –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> Here's the thing. You're kind of a wuss, so you won't be worthy of Pamina until you figure out how to be a man.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> And how do I do that?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>First Spirit:</b> You must be swift as a coursing river!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Second Spirit:</b> With all the force of a great typhoon!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Third Spirit:</b> With all the strength of a raging fire!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>All Three:</b> MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They leave.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> ... that didn't help at all.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He looks around at the temples.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Welllll I still have to rescue Pamina, so I should probably go inside.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He tries the door on the right.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Disembodied Voices:</b> NOPE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Huh. Guess I'll try the door on the left.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Disembodied Voices:</b> GTFO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Son of a bitch. Well, let's see what's behind door number three!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The door opens to reveal the Speaker, a member of Sarastro's order.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> What the hell do you want?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Um... love and virtue and stuff like that.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> You're a terrible liar. You're here to pick a fight.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Not with you! Just with an evil sorcerer named Sarastro.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Sarastro's my boss.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> He lives in the Temple of Wisdom?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Yuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> DAMMIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He starts to leave.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> You're just gonna walk away? What about your quest?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Meh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> You know Sarastro isn't actually evil, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> He's <i>totally</i> evil! He kidnaps people and stuff!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Let me guess... you heard this from a woman?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> The Queen of the Night told me herself!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Yeah, you probably shouldn't believe anything that women tell you because they're all evil bitches and all they do is gossip.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Huh. So Sarastro didn't kidnap Pamina?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Oh, he kidnapped the <i>shit</i> out of her – but he did it for a good reason.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Which is... ?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> I can't tell you. It's a secret.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Well, how do I learn the answer?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Speaker:</b> Only by passing the trials of manhood and wisdom and joining our cult!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He goes back inside and shuts the door.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Dammit. Will anyone <i>ever</i> tell me what's going on?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Disembodied Voices:</b> Maybe soon! Or maybe never.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> GODDAMMIT STOP BEING SO MYSTERIOUS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Disembodied Voices:</b> Nnnnnope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Fine. Can you just tell me if Pamina is still alive?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Disembodied Voices:</b> Yeah, she's still alive.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Yaaaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He celebrates by sitting down and playing his flute. A bunch of animals come out of the woods, become entranced by the magic music, and start dancing.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> THIS FLUTE IS SO AWESOME AND MAGICAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE AN OPERA ABOUT IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Soooo does the whole "controlling wild animals" thing serve any purpose in the opera other than taking up time?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Nope. But it's pretty cool, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Not really.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino keeps playing until he hears Papageno's pan-flute sounding nearby.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> Hey! That sounds like Papageno!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The magic flute and the pan pipes play back and forth a couple times, and Tamino rushes offstage to find Papageno. Papageno and Pamina run onstage from the other direction.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Oh man, we're so good at escaping! We should be fine as long as we stay quiet –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> HEY TAMINO WHERE ARE YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> LOWER YOUR GODDAMN VOICE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno plays his pipes. Tamino's flute answers nearby.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Yaaaay let's go find my pretty prince!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Monostatos and his slaves enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Or not.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina and Papageno:</b> SHIIIIIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> You'll <i>never</i> escape me, princess! <i>Evil laughter!
</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Hmm. Let's see what happens when I play the Deus Ex Glockenspiel...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He starts playing. Monostatos and the slaves are immediately entranced by the music and start dancing.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> wooowww soooo prettyyyyyy
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Slaves:</b> yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> That's right, bitches. <i>Twirl</i> for me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Monostatos and the slaves dance right offstage.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina and Papageno:</b> THIS IS THE BEST GLOCKENSPIEL EVER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> … that's not really saying much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Suddenly, there are trumpets and an offstage chorus!]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Offstage Chorus:</b> LONG LIVE SARASTRO 'CAUSE HE'S PRETTY COOL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Shit. What do we do?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You could do the <i>exact same thing</i> you did two minutes ago and play your glockenspiel.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> No, because that would be the intelligent thing to do. Any other ideas?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> We'll just have to tell the truth and face our punishment!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> Screw that. I'm hiding.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Papageno cowers and Pamina stands her ground. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> YAAAY FOR SARASTRO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> <i>[kneeling before Sarastro]</i> Sorry I tried to escape; your evil black servant was just being super molest-y.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> It's okay. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> So can I go back to my mother?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Nope. She's an evil whore.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> But –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> If I let you go back to her, she'll ruin you with her womanly ways.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> In case you hadn't noticed, I'm <i>also</i> a woman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> But you're still relatively innocent – and if you stay here long enough, you'll become so masculine that you'll <i>barely</i> be a woman <i>at all!</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> Yippee.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Monostatos enters, dragging Tamino behind him.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> MASTER I FOUND THIS ASSHOLE SNOOPING AROUND THE TEMPLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Tamino and Pamina see each other.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pamina:</b> My prince!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Tamino:</b> My princess!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Both:</b> <i>[embracing each other]</i> AND IIIIIIIIIIIIeeeIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUUUUUU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Aaahhhh they're touching each other! Gross!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Monostatos pulls the lovers apart.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMAN
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He kneels before Sarastro.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Master, this guy was planning on stealing the princess! You have to punish him and reward me for my loyal service!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Oh, you'll be rewarded, all right –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> Yaaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> – with seventy-seven lashes on the soles of your feet!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Several chorus members grab Monostatos and drag him offstage.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Monostatos:</b> do not waaaaaaaaant
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So, wait. Sarastro's supposed to be a good guy, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Yup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> But he's a misogynistic asshole who owns slaves and will torture them at the drop of a hat?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> He sure is!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So... why exactly is he better than the Queen of the Night?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Mozart:</b> Because he has a penis.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sarastro:</b> Let Tamino and Papageno be blindfolded and led off to undergo some dangerous trials which they may not survive!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Papageno:</b> God<i>dammit</i>.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> LONG LIVE SARASTRO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[End of Act I.]</span></i>
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/die-zauberflote-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">[Partially adapted from the </span><a href="http://snarkincorporated.blogspot.com/2012/01/operagasm-magic-flute-act-i.html" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">original post</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> at Snark & Son, Inc.]</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-39927010047524676982012-10-14T00:11:00.000-04:002012-10-14T00:11:31.707-04:00Lucia di Lammermoor, Act III<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Previous installments: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-i.html">Act I,</a> <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-ii.html">Act II</a></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><i>Act III:</i></b> <i>Later the same evening. Edgardo is brooding his way around his secret lair in Broodingswood Tower while a storm rages outside. Everyone </i>always<i> cuts this scene because the opera is long enough without more emo bullshit.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> THE STORM SYMBOLIZES MY INNER ANGUISH </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Or maybe it just symbolizes atmospheric convection. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I have no idea what that means. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we can tell. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Anyway, Lucia's a bitch and I hope she goes crazy and murders her husband or something. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> I thought I told you to stop reading ahead in the score. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> OH NO I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh nooooo </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enrico enters.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> IT IS I, ENRICO </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> What! How'd you find my secret lair? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> You're in a tower at night and there's a fire in the hearth. This place is practically a lighthouse right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Shit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Anyway, I came here to challenge you to a duel for your insult to my honor. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> <i>My</i> insult? <i>You're</i> the one who killed my father! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Well, <i>you</i> broke into my castle – </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> – which is <i>supposed to be mine</i> – </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> – and called my sister a whore. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> But to be fair, you <i>are</i> pimping her out for power and influence. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Shut up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> WELL YOU CAN'T CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL BECAUSE I CHALLENGE YOU FIRST </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> NUH-UH </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> YUH-HUH </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> ... dammit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> THE GHOST OF MY FATHER CRIES OUT FOR VENGEANCE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> AND LUCIA IS ALSO CRYING OUT BECAUSE ARTURO IS BANGING HER SENSELESS AS WE SPEAK </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> YOU TAKE THAT BACK </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> MAKE ME </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> BITCH I WILL CUT YOU </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> BRING IT </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> NAME THE TIME AND PLACE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> TOMORROW MORNING AT YOUR DAD'S TOMB </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> FINE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> GOOD </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Both:</b> SOMETHING SOMETHING VENGEANCE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enrico exits. The scene shifts to the great hall of Ravenswood Castle, where everyone is getting drunk at the wedding reception.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> WOOO NOW THAT LUCIA'S MARRIED TO ARTURO NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO THE ASHTON FAMILY AGAAAIIIN </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Raimondo enters.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> HEY SOMETHING BAD JUST HAPPENED </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> GODDAMMIT </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> I know, right? I wish someone could have seen this coming. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> <i>[sighs heavily]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> So what the hell happened, anyway? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Well, I was walking past the honeymoon suite when I heard a man groaning and crying out – </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Ew. Too much information. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Not in a sexy way. More in an "Oh god, I'm being horrifically murdered" kinda way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Oh. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Sooo I rushed inside and saw Arturo lying in a puddle of his own blood, with fifteen stab wounds in his torso and his pants around his ankles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Holy shit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Yeah. Lucia was just sitting on the bed, clutching Arturo's dagger and making crazy eyes at me. And then she smiled and asked me where her husband was. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Jesus. Did you call the guards? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Nah, I thought the safest thing to do was to let this mentally unhinged murderess wander around the castle for a while. I'm sure she won't hurt anyone else. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, that wasn't your best decision. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> I just hope that Lucia's penchant for inflicting stabbity death doesn't bring the wrath of heaven down on us! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You should probably worry more about what the rest of Arturo's family is going to do when they find out he was <i>murdered at his own wedding.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> ... oh, fuck. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> We're all screwed, aren't we. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yuuuuuuup. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Lucia enters, covered in blood and looking crazy.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> Wow, she looks like shit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> HEY EDGARDO I GOT RID OF THAT OTHER GUY SO NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[She starts wandering around, brandishing the bloody dagger.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Meet me by the fountain and we can hold hands and kiss and HOLY SHIT CAN YOU SEE THAT GHOST but oh man we should get married now! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Okay, this is a little awkward. Maybe it would have been better to call the guards. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Nice of you to notice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I CAN HEAR THE BELLS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">JUST HEAR THEM CHIMING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I CAN HEAR THE BELLS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">MY TEMPERATURE'S CLIMBING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">'CAUSE I FINALLY FOUND THE BOY I'VE BEEN MISSIN'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">LISTEN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I CAN HEAR THE BEEEELLLLLLS </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>My Blog Readers:</b> ... <i>Hairspray</i>? Really?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b> Don't judge me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> TAKE PITY ON HER, O LORD </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Um... bitch just murdered her husband. Jesus probably isn't too happy with her right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jesus:</b> Meh. I'll give her a pass because she's crazy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AWESOME FOR US FROM NOW ON </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enrico enters.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> HOLY SHIT DID MY SISTER REALLY MURDER ARTURO </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Yuuuup. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL WHORE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, That about sums it up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> YOU CRAZY BITCH THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> You know, if you think about it, this is actually <i>your</i> fault. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Um... was <i>I</i> the one who stabbed Arturo to death? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> No, but – </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FAULT </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> – you were such a dick to her that she went crazy? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> You're so full of shit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Enrico sees Lucia.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> babble babble oogaboogaboo </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> OH GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> EDGARDO I'M SORRY FOR SIGNING THAT MARRIAGE CONTRACT BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS A HUGE DOUCHEBAG </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> It's true; he really is. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> DON'T RUN FROM ME EDGARDO I LOVE YOUUUUU </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> MAY THE ALMIGHTY HAVE PITY ON THIS POOR INNOCENT CREATURE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Uh... has everyone forgotten that she straight-up <i>murdered</i> a guy ten minutes ago? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> YUUUUUP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> THIS IS SO VERY SAD </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> You know, I really liked those last four pages. Let's do them all over again! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> THIS IS SO VERY SAD </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Perfect. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Lucia sings a high note and collapses into Alisa's arms.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Remember me? I'm a character! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, whatever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The scene changes once again. Edgardo is waiting in the graveyard for his duel to the death with Enrico, and still being a whiny son of a bitch.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Hey, spirits of my ancestors – I know I'm about to fight a duel to avenge our family's besmirched honor, but I think I'm actually just going to impale myself on Enrico's sword because my life is <i>completely worthless</i> without Lucia to keep me happy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Spirits of Edgardo's Ancestors:</b> You're the worst descendant ever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Seriously. What a pussy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I bet everyone's still up celebrating and she's busy getting plowed by that asshole Arturo. WELL FINE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You never learned about dramatic irony in English class, did you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> No... why do you ask? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> No reason. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Whatever. SOON I WILL JOIN MY DEAD ANCESTORS AND NO ONE WILL BE AROUND TO MOURN ME </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> SHUT UP ALREADY </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> POOR MEEEE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The Male Chorus enters, looking sad.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> WOE IS US </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> What the fuck do <i>you</i> assholes have to be sad about? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> THAT POOR GIRL </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Which poor girl? What are you talking about? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> LUCIA IS DYING BECAUSE REASONS </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Oh no! Is she sick? Or possibly wounded by a wild bull? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> NAH SHE JUST WENT CRAZY AND STABBED HER HUSBAND </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Oh. So she's dying because... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> GOING CRAZY IS APPARENTLY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR HEALTH </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I'll just take your word for it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> SHE WAS JUST SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT SHE COULDN'T MARRY ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT BRUTALLY MURDERING HIM </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Aw, that's kinda sweet. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[A bell begins to ring.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> HER DEATH BELL IS RINGING </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Oh nooooo I have to see her one last time before I die! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Edgardo attempts to exit, but is stopped by Raimondo.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Don't bother; she's already dead. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> GODDAMMIT </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> But I'm pretty sure she's in heaven now, so it's okay. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jesus:</b> We're now admitting murderers! COME ON IN </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> OH MY BEAUTIFUL LUCIA WE WERE PARTED ON EARTH BUT WE WILL BE REJOINED IN HEAVEN </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He draws his dagger.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Raimondo and the Chorus:</b> WHAT ARE YOU DOING </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> Don't kill yourself! Suicide is a sin! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jesus:</b> And for a limited time only, we're also accepting suicides into heaven! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> WOOOO </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He stabs himself.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Male Chorus:</b> OH NOOOO </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Jesus:</b> Just kidding. You're probably gonna go to hell. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Son of a BITCH. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He dies. End of the opera.]</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">[Partially adapted from the <a href="http://snarkincorporated.blogspot.com/2012/02/operagasm-lucia-di-lammermoor.html">original post</a> at Snark & Son, Inc.]<i> </i></span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-65310019598168766412012-10-07T10:24:00.000-04:002012-10-14T00:10:58.648-04:00Lucia di Lammermoor, Act II<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a></span><br />
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>Act II:</b> Enrico's chambers in the castle. An unspecified amount of time has passed. Enrico is sitting at a table, thinking really hard about how he can be more of an asshole to his last remaining family member. Enter Normanno.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Lucia's on her way, sir.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Good. Now all I have to do is convince her to marry Arturo Bucklaw, and the Ashton family will be in a position of power once again!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Should be a piece of cake. How many weeks do you have before the wedding?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> It's tonight. The guests are already starting to arrive.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Oh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Yeah.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Well, it sounds like you're pretty much screwed.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Shut up. We've got the forged letter saying Edgardo doesn't love Lucia anymore, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Yeah, but –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Then it'll be <i>fine.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> You should probably give her some time to process this. Like... more than a few hours.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Why should I bother? All she needs to do is sign a little piece of paper. And also let a complete stranger plow her like a plot of fertile land.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Well, the shock of apparently being betrayed by her true love will be a lot to deal with, even <i>before</i> you take the "sex with a complete stranger" thing into account. She could have a nervous breakdown or something.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> She's a big girl; she can deal with it. Give me the letter and go find Arturo.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Fine. Just don't blame me when she goes crazy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Deal.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Normanno hands over the letter and exits. Lucia enters, looking frail and pallid.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Okay, either the strain of her separation from Edgardo is taking a really big toll, or she developed a heroin addiction between acts.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Can't it be both?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <i>[attempting to be friendly]</i> Heyyyyy, sis. How's it going?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Fuck yourself.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> You should really be happier. It's your wedding day!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Fuck yourself.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Still in love with Edgardo, huh?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> YES YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Actually, as your closest living male relative, I can pretty much make you do <i>whatever I want</i> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> <i>[growls]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Women in the Audience:</b> <i>[also growl]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–</span> but it would be a lot easier for everyone involved if I didn't have to force you. Can you just get over that Ravenswood asshole and marry this complete stranger I've picked out for you?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> NO I SWORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO EDGARDO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Not <i>this</i> bullshit again. Look, just read this letter and maybe you'll change your mind.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He gives her the letter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> "My Dearest Lucia,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is I, Edgardo. Sorry about not writing to you sooner <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–</span> it's <i>definitely not</i> because your dashingly handsome brother has been intercepting my letters; it's just that I've been balls-deep in French pussy this whole time and I pretty much forgot you existed. The women here do things you would never even <i>dream</i> of, and it's made me realize that I don't love you anymore because you're a frigid bitch. You should probably marry whatever guy your brother wants you to, because he's an <i>excellent</i> judge of character.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Go to hell,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Edgardo</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">PS: In case you're wondering why my handwriting looks <i>completely different than it ever has before,</i> it's because my right hand is currently occupied with a charming Parisian prostitute by the name of Mademoiselle Pamplemousse and so I'm writing this letter with my left. Goodbye forever."
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Lucia starts crying.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I know it's pretty harsh, but he has some good points. Like how you should do whatever I tell you to.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> There, there... it's not your fault. Well, <i>except</i> for the part where you were ready to put your own selfish desires before the good of your family. That's all on you, champ.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I CAN'T BELIEVE I SWORE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Festive music starts playing the the background.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Wait... what's that?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Oh, that's just your new husband arriving. So you're all set to get married now, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I don't get what the problem is. Your boyfriend dumped you, so the perfect way to get revenge on him is by marrying someone else!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Well, tough. I've made some questionable political decisions in the past couple years, and they're gonna come back and bite me in the ass if you don't get married to Arturo.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> NOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS GUY I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING EXECUTED
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Jesus. What did he do?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Wait just a second; they're going to explain everything.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Seriously?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Nope. I'm just gonna leave it to your imagination.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> We hate you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> OH GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> IF I GET MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS I'M GOING TO COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> GOD HAVE MERCY ON ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> SAY YES TO THE DRESS, LUCIA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I WANT TO DIE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> DO IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> NO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> DOOO IIIIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> ... maybe.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then there's a scene change. The scene that follows is frequently cut, so here's the quick version:]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Hey, so I know you were worried that Enrico might have been intercepting your mail because he's an asshole, but I personally made sure that one of your letters was actually sent to France. Since we haven't heard anything back from Edgardo, the <i>only possible conclusion</i> is that he doesn't love you anymore.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> ... god<i>dammit.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Also, I know that you don't want to marry a complete stranger, but it's for the good of your family so you should probably suck it up and do what your brother tells you to. It's a pretty big sacrifice, but God will be proud of you for taking one for the team and you'll be rewarded in Heaven.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> So you're saying that death is my best-case scenario?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> More or less.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> ... sounds legit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> YOU'RE THE WORST PRIEST EVER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Another scene change! The chorus has gathered in the great hall of the castle for a super awesome wedding celebration.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> WE LOVE WEDDINGS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Arturo enters and addresses Enrico.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Sooo your family has had its problems, but I'm going to use my considerable influence to make sure you stay wealthy and powerful!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Yaaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Assuming, of course, that your sister puts out.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <i>[muttering]</i> That bitch better hold up her end of the bargain or I will pimp-slap her back to the Renaissance.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> What was that?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Nothing. Here, have a drink! We're almost brothers now!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They shotgun beers together and it's </i>hella<i> manly.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> WOOOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Soooo not to sound impatient, but where the hell is my bride-to-be?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Just getting ready. By the way, if it seems like she's utterly repulsed by you on a physical and/or emotional level, don't take it personally. She's just reeeally sad about her dead mother.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Duly noted. Also, I've heard rumors that she's been seeing some asshole named Edgardo?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Yeah, see, the thing about that is <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> OH HEY HERE COMES LUCIA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–</span> never mind. Come meet your wife!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Nice. I especially like the glint of impending madness in her eyes.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I've always said it was one of her best features. Say hello to the nice man, Lucia!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> DO NOT WANT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <i>[whispering]</i> bitch if you ruin this for me I will fucking kill you
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Props on having a hot sister, bro. I'm gonna tear that ass <i>up.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Yeah, she's a real peach. Now let's sign the contract and make this marriage legally binding before someone does something stupid!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Sounds good to me!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Hold on, we've got to get the obligatory line out of the way first <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">–</span> if any man here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh man, so Edgardo's gonna come in and break up the wedding and it's gonna be super awesome, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Not exactly.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> <i>[shuts up]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> No, really. Does anyone want to object?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Crickets:</b> chirp chirp
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Huh. I was expecting some sort of dramatic entrance there.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Seriously.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> CAN THEY SIGN THE CONTRACT NOW
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Yeah sure whatever.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Arturo signs.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Don't wannaaaaa
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Shut your whiny mouth and write your name on that parchment.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Fiiiine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She signs the marriage contract.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> WOOOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> And now I think I'm gonna faint!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[There's a commotion outside.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> OH NO WHAT IS THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Edgardo bursts in, ready to buckle some motherfucking swash and stop a wedding.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> 'TIS I, EDGARDO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I object to this wedding!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> It's a little late for that, man. I said the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing like... ten minutes ago.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Seriously. It's like he has no sense of dramatic timing.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> So she's already married?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Yuuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Fuck.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then everyone stands in place and sings a sextet.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE BUT I LOVE YOU ANWAY YOU STUPID WHORE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> OH SHIT IT'S MY ARCH-NEMESIS AND I SHOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BAD FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO MY SISTER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> DAMMIT I HAD HOPED THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH WOULD TAKE ME BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT BUT IT DIDN'T AND NOW I'M MARRIED TO SOME ASSHOLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> OH MAN THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> HEY LOOK AT ME I'M STILL A CHARACTER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> I JUST WANTED A NICE WEDDING AND NOW IT'S RUINED
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> POOOOOR LUCIAAAAA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Oh, and by the way. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE YOU ASSHOLE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> YEAH
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Chorus:</b> ALSO YEAH
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> IT WAS MY CASTLE FIRST
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Everyone draws their swords.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo's Backup:</b> <i>[does not appear in this opera]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> So, wait. I'm alone against a castle full of armed men who want to murder me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Yuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You really didn't think this through, did you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Fuuuuuuuck.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah. This might be a good time to run the hell away, or maybe start being <i>extremely polite.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Edgardo draws his sword.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> OKAY KILL ME IF YOU CAN BUT I'MA TAKE SOME OF YOU BASTARDS WITH ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wow. It's like he has a death wish or something.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Yeah, about that...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh, well. At least things are getting interesting now!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> EVERYBODY CALM YOUR TITS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> God<i>dammit.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Put your weapons away in the name of God! He who lives by the sword shall also die by the sword!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Do daggers count as swords?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> What about axes?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Ooh! Or what about gangrene from a festering sword wound?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> ... for fuck's sake. HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD OR SOME OTHER WEAPON WILL DIE FROM A WEAPON-RELATED INJURY OR RELATED MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Better.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> What about wild bulls? 'Cause that's apparently a thing in Scotland.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> JUST SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> Fiiiiine.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They all put their swords away.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> So what the hell are you doing here, anyway?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I came here to claim Lucia as my wife! We swore sacred vows to each other!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Well, it's too late for that now. They signed the marriage contract and everything.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Wesley:</b> You know, the marriage isn't <i>really</i> official until both parties say "I do!"
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Shut up, Wesley.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Wesley:</b> ... as you wish.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Edgardo reads the marriage contract.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Son of a <i>bitch.</i> <i>[to Lucia]</i> Is this your signature?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> ... yes?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> WHAT THE HELL LUCIA HOW COULD YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Hey, remember that time when women were allowed to marry whomever they wanted and were treated like <i>actual human beings</i> instead of sentient pieces of property?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> No?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Yeah, me neither. SO FUCK OFF IT'S NOT REALLY MY FAULT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> TAKE BACK YOUR STUPID RING I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> FINE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> AND GIVE ME BACK MY RING TOO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> FINE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> YOU'RE A DIRTY LYING BACKSTABBING WHORE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone Else:</b> JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY AND STOP RUINING THE WEDDING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> MAKE ME
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Everyone Else:</b> ... 'kay.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They draw their swords.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Fuuuuuuck.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Hasn't this happened already?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yeah, pretty much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITH THIS BETRAYAL
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico and Arturo:</b> THAT CAN BE ARRANGED
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL JUST RUN THE HELL AWAY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Edgardo exits, pursued by a bunch of sword-wielding Scotsmen. Lucia's delicate female mind chooses this precise moment to snap like a brittle twig.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> ahblahblahblooble
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Arturo:</b> Awesome. Time to consummate the marriage!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[End of Act II.]</i></span><br />
<br />
Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-iii.html">Act III</a>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i> </i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Partially adapted from the <a href="http://snarkincorporated.blogspot.com/2012/02/operagasm-lucia-di-lammermoor.html">original post</a> at Snark & Son, Inc.]</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-53198192001046291152012-09-30T11:35:00.002-04:002013-06-10T16:43:55.595-04:00Lucia di Lammermoor, Act I<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Lucia di Lammermoor</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A <i>dramma tragico</i> in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-ii.html">Act II</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-iii.html">Act III</a>)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Music: </i>Gaetano Donizetti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Libretto: </i>Salvadore Cammarano</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b> </b></span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b> </b></i><br />
<br />
<i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">[<b>Act I:</b> The grounds of Ravenswood Castle in Scotland. Normanno, the captain of the guard, enters with an entourage of armed men.]</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> SEARCH THE GROUNDS
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> ALSO SEARCH THE RUINED TOWER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> WE'RE GONNA SOLVE THIS MYSTERY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> WE SURE ARE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> OUR HONOR DEMANDS IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> IT CERTAINLY DOES
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> The only mystery in this opera is what the fuck is going on and why everyone feels the need to repeat each new phrase seventeen times.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Welcome to the bel canto period, suckers.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> ... goddammit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Normanno and the guards keep singing about mysteries and honor and shit instead of actually doing anything useful.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> This is going to be a long opera, isn't it.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yuuuuuup.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> HONOR DEMANDS IT</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">HONOR DEMANDS IT</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">HONOR DEMANDS IT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The guards finally shut up and go search for... whatever it is they're trying to find. Normanno stays behind because he's lazy. Enter Raimondo, the chaplain, and Enrico, the lord of Ravenswood Castle.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> So is Ravenswood a family name, or just the name of the castle?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> It's a family name.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> And Enrico is the head of the family?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Nope. Enrico's an Ashton. The Ravenswoods are his mortal enemies.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> But he's... That's their... <i>gahhhh.</i> We're less than ten minutes in and this opera already makes no goddamn sense. What the <i>hell,</i> man.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Hey, this isn't my fault. If you've got a problem, take it up with Sir Walter Scott.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sir Walter Scott:</b> Bring it, bitches.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Whatever. You wrote the opera; we're holding you responsible.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Rude.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> WOULD ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DELIVER SOME EXPOSITION
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Oh, thank Christ.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Hey, Enrico! You sure look upset about something!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> And with good reason! As you know, the Ashton family is on the brink of disaster for numerous reasons which I won't bother to explain –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> GODDAMMIT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> – and that asshole Edgardo is laughing at us! Man, I hate that guy <i>so much.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> And let us guess... he's not gonna tell us why.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Me:</b> You're catching on!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Go to hell.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> My stupid sister is the only one who can save the family, but for some reason she doesn't want to marry some guy she's never met in order to unite us with a more powerful clan!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> What a bitch.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I know, right? So selfish.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> You know, guys, her mom just died and stuff. Maybe we should be more understanding.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> You shut your insubordinate mouth.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> She's in mourning! Her heart is broken and she can't be expected to love anyone right now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Ummmm I'm gonna call bullshit on that. She's totally banging some other dude.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> WHAT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Well, fuck. There goes her secret romance.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> How do you know this?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> I basically follow your sister everywhere she goes.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Aaaaand it just got creepy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> How did it start?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Well, your sister's super hot and I thought that if I followed her long enough I'd get to see her undressing or something –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Not the stalking, jackass. The secret affair.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Oh. Well, one morning she was out walking near her mother's grave when she was suddenly attacked by a wild bull!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wild bulls in Scotland? Is that a thing?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> How the fuck should I know?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Anywho, just as she was about to get her very shapely ass <i>killed,</i> some guy comes out of nowhere and straight-up <i>murders</i> the bull.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> That actually sounds pretty exciting.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> I know, right? <i>Waaaay</i> too interesting to actually happen onstage.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> ... we hate you so much.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Okay, I'm going to roll right past your apparent sexual fixation on my little sister –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Much appreciated.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> – and just ask you who this mystery man was.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> You're probably not gonna like the answer.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Whoever he was, he saved Lucia's life! I need to repay him for his act of bravery!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> He's also been secretly meeting her every morning since then.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> A harmless flirtation. Just tell me where to send the fruit basket.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Okay. Promise you won't get mad?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> <i>Promise.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Wellllll I'm not a <i>hundred</i> percent sure, but I'm almost positive he's an enemy of yours.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> You'll have to be more specific. I'm pretty much a giant asshole to everyone I meet.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Agreed.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> Shut up.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Like... your <i>arch-nemesis.</i> You live in his castle for some reason.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> ... you mean Edgardo?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Just remember, you promised you wouldn't get –
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> SHIT PISS GODDAMN HELL MOTHERFUCKER
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> – mad. Son of a <i>bitch.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Sooo not so much with the gratitude anymore, huh.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> FUCK NO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Look – Normanno said he wasn't completely sure, so he's probably wrong. You should probably ignore everything he has to say.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> SHUT THE FUCK UP RAIMONDO
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> ... yes, m'lord.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> AHHH I'M SO VERY ANGRY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL EVERYONE HERE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Normanno:</b> Please don't? I kinda like being alive.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Yeah, what he said.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> LUCIA HAS BROUGHT SHAME ON OUR FAMILY FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME AND I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS HIT BY LIGHTNING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> That... seems a little extreme.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[The guards re-enter.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> OH HEY NORMANNO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> What happened?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> Wellllll we were searching the ruined tower and we saw some guy there and he rode away on a big horse before we could question him but one of us recognized him.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> And who was it?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> Edgardo.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> AHHHH I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> IT'S NOT TRUE DON'T BELIEVE THEM
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Raimondo:</b> Douche.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Enrico:</b> I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER EDGARDO AND PISS ON HIS GRAVE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Guards:</b> WOOOO REVENGE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Everyone exits. The scene changes to an old well/fountain somewhere on the castle grounds. Enter Lucia, our heroine – if one can really call her that – and Alisa, her handmaid.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Dammit, Edgardo's still not here.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> You know, it's probably not a great idea to come here when your brother's on the warpath.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> It's precisely because Enrico is so furious that I have to warn Edgardo!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> And you thought the best way to do this would be by having him come here, on the castle grounds, while there are armed men who want to kill him everywhere.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Yeah. What's your point?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Mostly that it really sucks to work for a moron.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> I know, right?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Lucia looks at the well fearfully.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> What's wrong?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Oh, nothing. You know that old story of how a Ravenswood, driven mad by love, stabbed his girlfriend and dumped her body in this well?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Yeah...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Well, I've seen her ghost. I was out walking one night and I heard a low moan as I was passing this spot, and she suddenly appeared and beckoned to me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> That bodes reeeeally well for your relationship with the last surviving Ravenswood.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Seriously.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Her lips were moving, too. It was like she was trying to say something to me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Like what?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> "Seven days."
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> HOLY SHIT YOU SAW THE RING
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> And then she disappeared. And the water had all turned blood-red.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Yeah, you're fucked. Like... there's literally <i>no way in hell</i> you're making it out of this opera alive.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Shit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> But just to be safe, you could always try breaking up with Edgardo.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> But I love him so muuuuuuuch and he's so passionate and always makes me feel better about my pointless life!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Hey, it's your funeral.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Edgardo enters.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> Okay, you crazy kids. Have fun; I'll keep watch and make sure no one shows up to murder you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Thanks!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Alisa exits.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Soooo just to let you know, I'm going to France for a while. I was thinking that maybe I could talk to your brother before I leave and put an end to this feud so we can get married?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Ummm... maybe now isn't the best time to talk to him. There was talk of pissing on graves earlier.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> What an asshole. <i>First</i> he killed my father, <i>then</i> he stole my fucking house...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> This whole feud is starting to make sense now.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> … and <i>now</i> he wants to kill me and desecrate my remains. Seriously, I don't know why he hates me so much. He's fucked me over twice, and I have yet to do anything to get back at him.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Except boning his sister.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Touché. But yeah, he's a son of a bitch and I swore on my father's grave to wage eternal war on him and his whole fucking family.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Hey!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Except you, sweetheart.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Thank you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> In fact, while I'm here...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I don't like where this is going.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> brb gonna murder your brother
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> GET BACK HERE
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> But he's an asshoooooole
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> True, but he's still my brother. Could you just put your revenge plans aside and focus on how much you love me?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Maybe.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Like... to the exclusion of everything else. Let your love for me <i>consume you completely.</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> That sounds like the healthiest possible thing to do!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Yaaaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Let's have a secret marriage! I have a ring for you right here!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[He slips the ring on her finger.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Do you promise to be faithful to me forever, in the sight of God?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> I do!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She produces a ring from somewhere and puts it on his finger.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Is that one of <i>her</i> rings? 'Cause if it fits him, she's got some serious man-hands.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia and Edgardo:</b> Now we're pledged to each other forever and <i>only death</i> can part us!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> You guys have never heard the phrase "tempting fate," have you.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia and Edgardo:</b> Nnnnnope.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Alisa:</b> <i>[offstage facepalm]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Okay, this has been great and all but I have to go to France. Later!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Don't goooooo
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> I'll miss you so muuuuuuch
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Write to meeeeeee
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Okaaaaaay
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> Seriously, though. I'm going to be a <i>complete emotional wreck</i> the whole time you're gone. I just want you to think about that and feel super guilty and maybe shed a few manly tears when you think about how much pain you're causing me.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Sounds good!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[They embrace.]</i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> And don't forget, you swore to be faithful to me forever!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Lucia:</b> How could I ever forget? I love you SO MUCH and I promise not to marry anyone else while you're gone!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Edgardo:</b> Sounds legit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><i style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[He exits. End of Act I.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> So, what did you think of the first act?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> It needs more ominous foreshadowing. I don't think we quite got the whole "doomed lovers" thing.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Donizetti:</b> Really?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> No. Shut up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/10/lucia-di-lammermoor-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Partially adapted from the <a href="http://snarkincorporated.blogspot.com/2012/02/operagasm-lucia-di-lammermoor.html" target="_blank">original post</a> at Snark & Son, Inc.]</span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-29928139166999421202012-09-23T12:55:00.000-04:002012-09-23T12:55:06.405-04:00Madama Butterfly, Act III<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Previous installments: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Act III: </b>The following morning. Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow have all fallen asleep. A distant chorus of workers can be heard as the sun rises.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>The Orchestra: </b>This is as close to an overture as you're ever going to get in a Puccini opera.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>So why isn't it at the beginning of the show?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Puccini: </b>Meh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Orchestra: </b>LISTEN TO ALL THE RECURRING MUSICAL THEMES</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Half of the Chorus: </b>Oh haaay </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Other Half of the Chorus: </b>Oh haaaaaaaaay</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[This goes on for much longer than it needs to. Finally, Suzuki wakes up.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Suzuki:</b> Huh. It's already morning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> <i>[mumbling in her sleep] </i>... oh yeah, baby... right there...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Suzuki clears her throat loudly.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Butterfly: </b>WHAT I'M AWAKE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>No offense, but you look like crap. Go get some actual sleep in an actual bed, and I'll wake you up when he arrives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Butterfly picks up Sorrow, who's still fast asleep, and carries him inside.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Butterfly: </b>Lullabyyyyy and good niiiiight</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Stay asleep, little love-chiiiiild</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Suzuki shakes her head sadly as she listens to the lullaby.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Butterfly: </b><i>[offstage] </i>Twinkle, twinkle, little staaar</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How I wonder what the fuck is taking your dad so loooooong</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> Man, marriage sucks. It's times like these I'm glad I'm a lesbian.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Pinkerton and Sharpless enter through the garden, accompanied by a prim Caucasian woman.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>The Audience: </b>Yeah, that can't be good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[The two men approach the house, leaving the woman in the garden. Sharpless knocks lightly on the door.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Suzuki:</b> WHO'S THERE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She throws open the door.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Suzuki: </b>HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton and Sharpless: </b>SHHHHH</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b><span style="font-size: x-small;">HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<b>Sharpless: </b>Better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Is Butterfly asleep?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Yeah, she was up waiting for you all night. I'll go get her!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>You know what, I think she probably needs her sleep. There's no reason to wake her up yet, no sir.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Do you like all the flowers? We decorated the place <i>just for you!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Sharpless: </b>I <i>told</i> you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>Shut up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Waaaaaait a minute. Is that a white lady out in the garden?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>Um... yes?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>WELL WHO THE FUCK IS SHE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Cat's out of the bag now, asshole.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>She's nobody!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>She's his shiny new American wife.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Her name's Kate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER NAME</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><i>[to Sharpless]</i> Dude. Not cool.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Eat a dick. <i>[to Suzuki]</i> Look. I know Mister Thinks-With-His-Penis over here has completely fucked everything up, but we could really use your help.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> With what?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Convincing Butterfly to give the Pinkertons her baby so they can take him back to America.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Wow. Okay. I'm just going to repeat what I said before: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>It's what's best for the child! He'll have a good life and he'll be fed and clothed and educated and they'll give him a real goddamn name instead of an emotion!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b><i>[calling from the garden]</i> I was actually thinking of naming him Postpartum Depression Pinkerton!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Not helping.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b>Sorry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>You do realize this will <i>literally kill</i> Butterfly, right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>She's the leading soprano in a Puccini opera. She was pretty much doomed from the beginning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>Fair enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Look, just go talk to Kate. She's really nice, I promise.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Go to hell.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Suzuki goes into the garden. Meanwhile, Pinkerton has been wandering around the house and making sad faces instead of making any attempt to solve the problems he is </i>entirely responsible for<i>.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Pinkerton: </b>Wow, this is really sad. I wish <i>something</i> could have been done to prevent this whole awkward situation from ever happening!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>Fuck you. Fuck you <i>so much.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Pinkerton: </b>OH GOD I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS SADNESS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>We hope you spend your inevitable time in hell being endlessly violated by some unspeakable Lovecraftian horror.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>SHARPLESS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BUT I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Sooo let me get this straight. You came here to take the son you've never met away from his mother – whom you abandoned – and away from the only home he's ever known, and you're just going to dump that responsibility on me and on <i>your new wife?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>If it helps at all, I feel <i>really</i> bad about it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>You're the worst fucking person I've ever met. I <i>told</i> you not to go through with the wedding; I <i>told</i> you she was in love with you; I <i>told </i>you there would be <i>dire fucking consequences</i> – and what did you do? YOU KNOCKED HER UP YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Puccini: </b>Just remember, kids – don't be a fool; wrap your tool.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>Gross.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>Why are you yelling at me? I <i>said</i> I was sorry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Actually, you didn't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>Well, I <i>am</i>. And I'm gonna be tormented by this memory for the rest of my life!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Bullshit. You'll be over it in a week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>Yeah, probably.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Just shut the fuck up and get out. I'll tell Butterfly myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b>GOODBYE MY FLOWERY LOVE-SHACK</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">BUT NOW I'M JUST GONNA RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE BIIITCH</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Sharpless: </b>JUST GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Pinkerton runs away. Suzuki and Kate re-enter from the garden.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Kate: </b>So you'll tell Butterfly that it's for the best?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i><b>Suzuki: </b>Yeah, whatever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b>Awesome! I've always wanted to steal an Asian baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>He's half-Caucasian.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b>Meh. Close enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i><b>Suzuki: </b>In any case, it would be better if I talked to her alone. Maybe you guys should –</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><i>[offstage]</i> SUZUKI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Shit. Everybody hide!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i><i>[Kate retreats to the garden so she won't be seen, which is kinda pointless because it's still completely visible from the house. Sharpless, being old and creaky and whatnot, doesn't even bother to move.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Suzuki: </b>You guys are terrible at hiding. NO BUTTERFLY DON'T COME OUTSIDE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Butterfly comes outside.]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Suzuki: </b>God<i>dammit.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
<b>Butterfly: </b>AHHH WHERE IS HE I KNOW HE'S HERE HE MUST BE HIDING OR SOMETHING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[She runs around the house and the garden, looking for Pinkerton.]</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>...huh. I can't find him anywhere, but there's a random American woman in the garden. Anyone feel like explaining?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Not really, no.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Suzuki starts crying.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>I have a bad feeling about this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>Better late than never.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>What's wrong? Is my husband dead or something?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>No, he's alive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>Is he ever coming back?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Nnnnope.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><i>[starting to understand]</i> Soooo who's that woman in the garden?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>She's pretty much the cause of all your problems, but don't hold it against her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> OH GOD HE GOT A SEX CHANGE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience: </b>A swing and a miss.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b>Yeah, that's not Pinkerton.</span><br />
<i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></i>
<i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">[After two and a half acts of self-delusion, Butterfly's brain chooses this moment to start functioning again.]</i><br />
<br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Butterfly: </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">OH GOD HE MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless: </b><i>Now</i> you're getting it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> OH GOD THEY WANT TO TAKE MY SON BACK TO AMERICA</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> More or less. But it's in the best interests of the child, you know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Wellllll I <i>have</i> to obey the wishes of my husband, even though he's already married someone else and is actively trying to take away my only reason to keep living.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Kate comes back from the garden.]</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate:</b> Hey, I just met you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And this is crazy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I stole your husband</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Give me your baby</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Shut up, Kate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate:</b> Too soon?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Little bit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b>Sorry, Butterfly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>Don't be sorry for me; you've married the best man in the world and I'm sure he'll bring you happiness. You know, until he abandons you and destroys your life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Kate: </b>Yeah that's great and all but when do I get to take your child?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>Back off, you WASP-y bitch. If Pinkerton wants his son, tell him to come here in half an hour.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Sharpless and Kate leave. Butterfly collapses in tears.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>Jesus. Are you all right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> NO YOU FUCKING MORON I'M NOT EVEN REMOTELY ALL RIGHT</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> You know what I mean.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> WHERE'S MY SON</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b>He's playing. Should I go get him?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>No, just go and keep him company. I'm just gonna commit suicide.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> Maybe I should stay and make sure you don't do anything crazy... ?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> JUST LEAVE ALREADY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> FINE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Suzuki exits. Butterfly gets out her father's stabbin' knife and reads the inscription on the blade.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>"You've fucked up your life, but at least you can still die like a badass."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She prepares to shank herself, but is interrupted by the arrival of Sorrow.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Suzuki: </b><i>[calling from offstage] </i>I figured you wouldn't kill yourself in front of your son!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Challenge accepted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She embraces her son.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>Soooo your daddy is going to take you to America and I'm going to take a trip to heaven or Nirvana or whatever it is I'm supposed to believe in...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> Hey, don't look at me. I'm just as clueless as you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>... but try not to forget me completely, okay? Mommy loves you. Now go play.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[She gives him a tiny American flag and blindfolds him.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sorrow: </b>This is a weird game.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>You can't talk. Shut up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[And then she stabs herself.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><i>[offstage]</i> BUTTERFLYYYYYY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pinkerton and Sharpless run in, only to see Butterfly dead and the blindfolded love-child waving an American flag.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> Symbolism!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Shut up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>[Pinkerton falls to his knees.]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE WARN ME THAT THIS MIGHT HAPPEN</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Seriously, dude. Go fuck yourself.</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
<i>[End of the opera.]</i></span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-40354277347604790912012-09-17T17:29:00.003-04:002013-03-24T13:28:27.329-04:00Madama Butterfly, Act II<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a><i><b> </b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Act II:</b> The same location as Act I, three years later. Everything looks exactly the same and no one looks any older, but that’s fine – no soprano who’s actually old enough to sing Butterfly would ever be remotely believable as a teenager anyway, so who gives a shit. As the curtain rises, Suzuki can be seen praying and ringing a little bell in front of a shrine to the Buddha, and Butterfly is lying on the floor with her head in her hands.</i><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b>... holy shit so hung over...
<b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> Yeah, we should probably go easy on the sake bombs from now on. My head is <i>killing</i> me.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>If your head hurts so much, you could always stop ringing that goddamn bell.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Nah, I’m good.
<br /><br />
<i>[She starts ringing again.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b><i>[growls]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Dear Japanese Creator Gods: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Please make Butterfly stop being such a cranky bitch all the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Love, Suzuki.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> So, wait. She’s sitting at a Buddhist shrine and praying to Shinto gods? How does that make <i>any sense at all?</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Shinto and Buddhism aren’t the same thing?
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Meh. All them Eastern religions look alike to me.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>THE JAPANESE GODS ARE LAZY ASSHOLES
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Rude.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>The American God is <i>so much cooler!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Neil Gaiman:</b> Thanks!
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Wasn’t talking to you.
<br /><br />
<b>Neil Gaiman:</b> Oh. Sad face.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> If the American God is so awesome, why doesn’t he ever answer your prayers?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Well <i>obviously</i> he hasn’t figured out where we live yet because we’re so far from America. <i>Duh.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Impeccable logic.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> So why don’t you try praying to someone who knows where you live?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Because fuck you, that’s why. How much money do we have left?
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki opens a small box and takes out a few coins.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Looks like we’re pretty much broke.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Shit.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Maybe you could try getting a job or something?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>NO I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK AND PROVIDE FOR ME
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> You mean the husband who left Japan three years ago and hasn’t even written to you since?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Yeah, that one. He knows how to take care of his family.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> You and I have very different definitions of “take care.”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Well he made sure that the guy from the American consulate kept paying our rent, so he <i>must</i> be coming back!
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Are we sure that Mister Sharpless isn’t paying the rent on his own because he’s a good person and doesn’t want to see us go homeless?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>NO GODDAMMIT IT WAS MY HUSBAND’S IDEA
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Sure it was.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>My darling Pinkerton wants to keep me safe and sound until he returns because he loves me and he always will!
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Yeah, about that. When was the last time you heard of an American sailor actually coming back to Japan for his woman?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>IF YOU KEEP SASSING ME I’M GONNA CUT OUT YOUR GODDAMN OVARIES AND FEED THEM TO A TANUKI
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wow. She seems a little touchy today.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Don't you remember? I asked him when he was coming back and he told me he’d return in the season when the robins build their nests!
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Yeah, that’s super specific and it really inspires confidence in his trustworthiness.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Shut the fuck up. I’m <i>telling</i> you, one of these days he’ll just come sailing back into the harbor and walking up this huge fucking mountain to come see me but I’m going to hide and keep him waiting, mostly because I’m a huge cocktease –
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> As demonstrated by the last twenty minutes of Act I...
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>– but also so I don’t just <i>die</i> when I see him again!
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Once again... <i>hint hint.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> GO AWAY ALREADY
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>And then I’ll run to him and he’ll embrace me and kiss me and tear off my clothes and whip out his <i>huge – </i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Oooookay, I think I get the idea.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I CAN’T WAIT IT’S GONNA BE SO AWESOME
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly dismisses Suzuki. Goro and Sharpless appear at the top of the hill. Sharpless approaches the house and knocks. Goro hides near the house so he can eavesdrop because he’s shifty and also an asshole.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Hello? Mrs. Butterfly?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME MY NAME IS MRS. PINKERTON
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Um. If this is a bad time, I can come back later...
<br /><br />
<i>[She opens the door.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh, <i>hello!</i> It's so good to see you!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> You remember me?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>No offense, but I've only ever met, like... <i>two</i> white guys. And since I'm pretty sure you're not my husband, that narrows it down a bit.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Fair enough.
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly beckons for Sharpless to come inside and claps her hands to call Suzuki.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Soooo how are all your ancestors doing?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Uh... still dead, last time I checked. But thanks for asking!
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly and Sharpless kneel on cushions on either side of a small table, and Butterfly giggles at her guest’s obvious discomfort because she’s a huge bitch. Suzuki brings in a tray with a long pipe and some tobacco, while Sharpless removes a letter from his jacket pocket.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b><i>[gesturing to the tray]</i> Care for a smoke?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> No thanks, I’m good. Listen, I’ve got to talk to you about –
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly takes a hit from the pipe.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh <i>man</i> that’s some good shit. You sure you don’t want some?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> No, really. I’m fine.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>What are you, some kinda narc? Are you wearing a wire?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I have no idea what that means. Can we just –
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Maybe you’d like some cigarettes instead? Or some black tar heroin?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Rude.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I’m here because I have a letter from your husband.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>OHMIGAWD REALLY HOW IS HE
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> He’s fine.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Well, that’s a relief. Soooo could you tell me when robins build their nests in America?
<br /><br />
<b>Me:</b> When they’re adopted by eccentric billionaires who dress up as flying rodents and fight crime.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> That’s really not as funny as you think it is.
<br /><br />
<b>Me:</b> Batman is <i>always</i> funny.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Shut up.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Sorry, I’m confused. Why exactly do you need to know this?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>My husband said he’d return when the robins make their nests, but they’ve already done that several times now. But there’s <i>no way</i> my beloved Pinkerton would ever lie to me, so maybe American robins don’t make nests as often as they do in Japan?
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Once again... impeccable logic. And do they even <i>have</i> robins in Japan?
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> How the fuck should I know?
<br /><br />
<i>[Goro emerges from his hiding place and starts laughing at Butterfly’s naïveté.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> ahahahaha oh <i>man</i> you’re a moron
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>WHO THE FUCK IS LAUGHING AT ME
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> ‘Sup.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh, it’s <i>this</i> asshole. Get the fuck off my property. <i>[to Sharpless]</i> Can you answer my question now?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Actually, I can’t. I don’t know anything about ornithology.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Orni-<i>what</i>now?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Ornithology. The study of birds.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh. So you don’t know when robins build their nests?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Nnnnope.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>THEN WHAT GODDAMN USE ARE YOU
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[indicating Pinkerton’s letter]</i> Look, can we just get back to –
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh, right. <i>[pointing at Goro]</i> Soooo this douchebag keeps showing up at my house and trying to hook me up with new husbands, even though I keep telling him that I’m <i>already married.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Bitch, you’re broke as hell, your family has disowned you, and your handsome American husband has totally abandoned you. If you don’t marry someone else, you’re going to starve to death.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I’m comfortable with that. Tell your suitor to find another geisha.
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Wellll he’s already here, so you can tell him yourself! HEY YAMADORI COME ON IN
<br /><br />
<i>[Yamadori enters on a sedan chair, carried by several servants.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Again? Don’t you <i>ever</i> get tired of being rejected?
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Hey, baby. I <i>know</i> you must be tired, ‘cause you’ve been meekly shuffling through my mind <i>allllll</i> day.
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Heh. Good one, your highness.
<br /><br />
<i>[Goro goes for a high-five. Yamadori ignores him.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I bet you said that to all the other girls you married... and then divorced.
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> More or less. But I <i>promise</i> to be true to <i>you!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Fuck off.
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Are you serious? He’s a prince and he’s got a palace and he’s just generally rich as fuck! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I’M ALREADY MARRIED
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori and Sharpless:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>DON’T YOU FACEPALM AT ME
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> But the law says –
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LAW
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> – that if a husband abandons his wife, it’s the same thing as getting a divorce.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Nuh-<i>uh.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Yuh-<i>huh.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Welllll Japanese law no longer applies to me because I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN NOW
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> That’s... not really how it works.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>If someone wants to get divorced in Japan, all they have to do is kick the wife out of the house and that’s <i>bull</i>shit. But in America, anyone who tries to get a divorce is immediately thrown in prison and spends the next twenty years getting sodomized by burly men covered with scars and tattoos!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Your understanding of the American legal system is rudimentary at best.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Suzuki, bring some tea for our guests!
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly and Suzuki busy themselves with the tea while the men-folk converse.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> That’s not actually how it works, right?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> No. She’s a moron.
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> But Pinkerton’s ship has almost arrived!
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Wait. He’s actually coming back for her?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> <i>Hell</i> no. He doesn’t actually want to see her, but he sent <i>me</i> to tell her because he’s too much of a pussy to do it himself.
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Wow. What a little bitch.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> I know, right?
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly approaches and hands Sharpless a cup of tea.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Here you go, Mister Sharpless! Those other two assholes can wait.
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Aaaand that’s my cue to leave.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Your cue to leave was at least four pages ago, but you ignored it.
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Charming, as always. If you ever decide to stop being such a frigid bitch, give me a call.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Not gonna happen.
<br /><br />
<b>Yamadori:</b> Okay, have fun starving to death. Yamadori out.
<br /><br />
<i>[He and his servants exit, followed by Goro.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Okay, they’re gone. Can we <i>please</i> read this letter now?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh, right! I had forgotten all about it. Have I mentioned that you’re the <i>best person in the world</i> for reading me this love letter from my adoring husband?
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Womp womp.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I’m just gonna ignore that and start reading.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Probably a good idea.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Ahem. “Dear Sharpless,<br />
I’d like you to go find that hot piece of ass I married – ”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>He really says that? How <i>romantic!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Yes. Now shut up.<br />
“ – and read her this letter. Three years have passed since we were together – ”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>He’s been counting the days too! He misses me!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> “ – and maybe Butterfly doesn’t remember me anymore – ”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>How could I ever forget him? He’s my <i>soul mate!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> “ – but if she still loves me and is still waiting for me – ”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUCH
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> “ – then I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell her that – ”
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>OHMIGAAAWD HE’S COMING BACK ISN’T HE THAT’S WHY HE SENT THE LETTER AHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[aside]</i> Oh, for fuck’s sake. Pinkerton, you’re an asshole. <i>[putting the letter away]</i> Look. Speaking from an entirely hypothetical point of view... what would you do if you were to find out that <i>maaaaybe</i> your husband might never actually come back to you at all?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh, that’s easy. I could either go back to being a geisha, or – and this is my preferred option – I could FUCKING KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Oh. Wow. Have you considered that maybe it would be better to just marry Yamadori and let him provide for you?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>FUCK NO IT’S EITHER GEISHA-ING OR SUICIDE
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Ooookay.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I ALSO DON’T APPRECIATE THE INSINUATION THAT MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Yeah, I think it might be best if I left.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>NOOO I DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE STAY
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Getting mixed signals here.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>It’s just that your words hurt me so much that I thought I might <i>literally die.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Wow.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>But I’m okay now. <i>[taking a deep breath]</i> So that motherfucker’s forgotten me, huh?
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Well, not exactly...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Orchestra: </b>ALLEGRO MODERATO, MOLTO VIBRATO</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Anyone Who Has Fallen Asleep: </b>HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<i>[Butterfly exits and re-enters a few measures later, carrying a child who’s approximately two years and three months old.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wait, what the shit?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>AND HAS HE FORGOTTEN HIS CHILD TOO
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> There’s been a kid at the house <i>this whole time,</i> and we never saw him running around and playing or even heard him crying? Either that's the most well-behaved child in the world, or he’s been tied up and gagged in a closet since the beginning of the act.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Sooo Pinkerton knocked you up?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>You bet your white ass he did. Check it out – he even has blonde hair and blue eyes!
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wait. Blonde hair and blue eyes on a half-Japanese child? Aren’t both of those genetic traits recessive?
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> Fuck off.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Damn. Does Pinkerton know?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Nnnnope. I didn’t start showing until after he went back to America.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Okay, well... he can’t actually <i>forget</i> his child if he doesn’t actually know it exists.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Huh. Good point.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Yeah.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Well, you can write to Pinkerton and tell him that he has a beautiful son! <i>That</i> will definitely get him to come back.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, because he cares about family <i>so much.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b><i>[to her son]</i> Do you want to know what this gentleman told me I should do?
<br /><br />
<i>[He nods.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> D'awwwww he's the cutest thing <i>ever.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>He said that I should take you in my arms and wander through the mud and the rain and beg for alms on the side of the road!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Uh... I never said that.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>And that I should call out for people to listen as I sang my song in front of an unfeeling, pitiless crowd!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> You're just making shit up.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>WELL I'M NEVER GOING TO SING OR DANCE LIKE A GEISHA AGAIN
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I didn't <i>ask</i> you to!
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I WOULD RATHER DIE FIRST
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly embraces her son, sobbing.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wow. She's pretty crazy, but for some reason we can't stop crying now.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I know, right?
<br /><br />
<b>Puccini:</b> That's how I roll, motherfuckers.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> Okay, well. I hate to ruin the moment, but I have to go. Sorry for ruining your day and whatnot.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>It's all right. <i>[to her son]</i> Say goodbye to Mister Sharpless!
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> He's so cute! What's his name?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Wellll his name is Sorrow at the moment, but when my baby-daddy comes home, his name will be <i>Joy!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> It says in the program that his name is Trouble.
<br /><br />
<b>Me:</b> Yeah, that's stupid. He's not a blues singer <i>or</i> a song-and-dance number from a Meredith Willson musical, so there's no good reason to call him that.
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> But “Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pinkerton” <i>does</i> have certain ring to it...
<br /><br />
<b>Me:</b> Touché.
<br /><br />
<b>Sharpless:</b> I'll tell his father, I promise.
<br /><br />
<i>[Sharpless bids Butterfly goodbye and leaves. Suzuki enters a few moments later, dragging Goro behind her.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> But – but –
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> I DARE YOU – I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>What's going on?
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> THIS ASSHOLE HAS BEEN SPREADING RUMORS IN TOWN THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOUR BABY-DADDY IS
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Oh no he DIDN'T
<br /><br />
<b>Goro:</b> Look, I was <i>only</i> saying – since you love America so much – that if he were to actually <i>live</i> in America, he would be a social outcast!
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, because that's so much better.
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly grabs her dad's seppuku knife, throws Goro on the floor, and puts the blade to his throat.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>MOTHERFUCKER IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU AND DUMP YOUR BODY OFF A CLIFF
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Oookay, maybe we should all calm down before someone actually gets murdered.
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly releases Goro, who flees offstage and is never seen again. Butterfly puts the knife down and turns back to Sorrow.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Sorry about all the yelling. But just wait – your dad's going to come home and we're going to be one big happy family again!
<br /><br />
<i>[A cannon sounds offstage.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> The cannon in the harbor! There's a ship coming in!
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I can see it! It's a white ship, and it's flying an American flag!
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>Damn,</i> she's got good eyesight.
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki brings Butterfly a telescope so she can read the name of the ship.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>HOLY SHIT IT'S THE U.S.S. ABRAHAM LINCOLN THAT'S HIS SHIP
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> … wow. Looks like you were right all along.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY TO WAIT FOR HIM BUT WHO'S LAUGHING NOW
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Yeah, about that. My bad.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>MY HUSBAND'S COMING HOME AND LOVE HAS TRIUMPHED
<br /><br />
<b>Pinkerton:</b> <i>[somewhere in the harbor]</i> Boy, I'm sure glad I had Sharpless tell Butterfly that I don't love her anymore! It's <i>such a relief</i> to know that I won't have to deal with some ridiculous drama on my return visit to Japan.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>YAAAAAAAAAY
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>QUICK SUZUKI GET SOME CHERRY BLOSSOMS I WANT TO MAKE THE PLACE LOOK ALL PRETTY
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> … are you crying?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I'M JUST SO HAPPY
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Okay. Well, it'll take him at least a couple hours to get here, so we have time to make the house look pretty.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Let's pick ALL THE FLOWERS
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Sounds like a plan!
<br /><br />
<i>[They run around the garden picking flowers and singing.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> I'm so glad that you're not going to be a whiny bitch anymore!
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I know, right?
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Okay, we've pretty much cleaned out the garden. What now?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Now we scatter the flowers <i>everywhere!</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> The flowers were <i>already</i> all over the place. Couldn't we have just left them where they were?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>NOOO MY WAY IS BETTER
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Fiiine.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>And also we're gonna sing about it.
<br /><br />
<i>[They start tossing flowers around the house.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly and Suzuki:</b> SOUS LE DÔME ÉPAIS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">OÙ LE BLANC JASMIN
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Wrong flower duet, guys.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Shit.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly and Suzuki:</b> LET'S MAKE THE HOUSE SMELL LIKE SPRINGTIME</span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">BY THROWING FLOWERS EVERYWHEEEERE<br /><br />
<i>[They eventually run out of flowers.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Now bring me my son and help me get dressed!
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki exits. Butterfly looks in a mirror.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Oh man, I look so <i>old.</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> Yuuuuup.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Shut the fuck up. I've had a rough three years.
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki comes back in with Sorrow.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Put some makeup on my face!
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Can't you do it yourself?
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Nnnnope. And also put some rouge on Sorrow's cheeks; I want him to look <i>fabulous</i> when his dad gets here!
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki touches up Butterfly’s makeup and starts brushing her hair.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> Hold still, goddammit.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> I can't wait to rub this in my family's stupid faces. Especially my uncle, that stupid stupidhead of a Bonze.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> There. Finished.
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> And also bring me my wedding robe.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST DO ONE THING YOURSELF
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>I don't pay you to complain.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> You don't pay me <i>at all</i> anymore because you're <i>broke as fuck.</i> I'm only here because I love you like a sister!
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Aww, that's so sweet. Now bring me my fucking robe.
<br /><br />
<b>Suzuki:</b> grumble grumble
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> And Sorrow's robe too, please.
<br /><br />
<i>[Suzuki brings the clothes out, helping Butterfly and Sorrow get dressed.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> I want to look just like I did on the day of our wedding!
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> That's convenient, because you look exactly the same.
</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Suzuki finishes Butterfly's outfit by putting a poppy in her hair.]</i><br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b> Wonderful! And now we play the waiting game.
<br /><br />
<i>[They sit down and wait for Pinkerton to arrive. And wait. Aaaaand wait.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> <i>[offstage]</i> <span style="font-size: x-small;">HEY HOW DO YOU LIKE OUR HUMMING</span>
<br /><br />
<b>The Audience:</b> It's very pretty.
<br /><br />
<b>The Chorus:</b> <span style="font-size: x-small;">THAAAAANKS</span>
<br /><br />
<i>[Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow keep waiting. The sky turns dark.]</i>
<br /><br />
<b>Sorrow:</b> But I hafta peeeeeeee
<br /><br />
<b>Butterfly: </b>Shut up and sit still.
<br /><br />
<i>[End of Act II.]</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-iii.html" target="_blank">Act III</a><i> </i></span>Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-67623972285149109732012-09-10T19:34:00.001-04:002013-06-10T16:42:43.425-04:00Madama Butterfly, Act I<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Madama Butterfly</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">An opera in three acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-ii.html">Act II</a>, <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-iii.html">Act III</a>)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Music: </i>Giacomo Puccini</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Libretto: </i>Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b> </b><i><b> </b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[<b>Act I:</b> A mountaintop
overlooking the harbor of Nagasaki, some time around the turn of the
twentieth century. There's a small, stereotypically Japanese house
and some cherry blossom trees which are always in bloom because this
is Japan and ritual suicide doesn't look nearly as dramatic unless
there are fucking flower petals blowing all over the place.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>The
Audience:</b></span> Wait, <i>what</i> about ritual suicide?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b> Oh. Whoops.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Dude, not cool.
Throw up a spoiler alert next time or something.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yeah, it was <i>clearly</i>
a huge spoiler. OH NO SOMEONE DIES AT THE END OF AN OPERA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Stop mocking us.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b> Then pipe down and just
watch the goddamn show.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro enters, followed by Lieutenant
B. F. Pinkerton of the United States Navy. Goro is your typical
Western caricature of a shifty Asian businessman, and is apparently a
real estate agent as well as a glorified pimp.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yaaay for racial
sensitivity!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Pinkerton, on the other hand, is a
handsome Aryan exemplar in an immaculate uniform. He's also a smug,
ethnocentric asshole.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yaaay for positive
perceptions of Americans traveling abroad!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro starts showing off the house.
Pinkerton is rather confused.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Wait, what the shit?
WHY ARE THE WALLS MADE OF PAPER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> They're called shōji,
esteemed white devil.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I don't give a shit
what you backward savages call them; I just want to know why I don't
have a real goddamn house. Where's the bedroom?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> Wherever you want it to
be, according to the whims of your superior Western intellect!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Yes, well. I suppose
it's rather charming – in a quaint, barbaric sort of way.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> Oh yes, very charming. You
can move the walls around however you want!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> It looks like a
strong wind could blow it over. You don't have any wolves around
Nagasaki, do you? Possibly of the big and/or bad variety?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> To his undying shame, your
humble servant has no idea what the fuck you're talking about.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> It's a joke, Goro.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> OH YES HA HA VERY GOOD SIR</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Shut up. Where are my
servants?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro claps his hands. Three
servants in traditional Japanese garb shuffle out of the house and
bow to Pinkerton.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> This is the maid and this
is the cook and I have no idea what the third one is for. Also, only
one of them is remotely important in any way. Guess which one!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b> OH HI MISTER LIEUTENANT
PINKERTON SIR IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND IT WILL BE MY HONOR TO
SERVE YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Let me guess... the
chatty one.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> I am once again amazed by
your incredible Western powers of deduction.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Yeah, whatever. So
where's my bride-to-be?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> She is probably still
preparing herself. Geisha make-up takes a long time to put on.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> So who else is coming
to this ceremony?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> The official from the
American consulate, the Imperial commissary, a registrar, your bride,
and her entire extended family – except her uncle, who has the
honor of being a respected Buddhist priest and will not be gracing us
with his presence because you are barbarian scum.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Gee, thanks.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> His words, not mine.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[offstage]</i>
JESUS FUCK WHY IS THIS MOUNTAIN SO GODDAMN STEEP</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> And that must be the
consul.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Sharpless enters, looking like he's
about die.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Holy fucking shit,
man. You need to install, like... an escalator or a ski lift or
something. Jesus.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> <i>[attempting to
shake hands]</i> Nice to meet you! I'm Lieutenant –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Sharpless vomits everywhere.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> – wow. Okay. I'm
just gonna give you a minute.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> fuuuuuuuuck</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> <i>[clearing his
throat awkwardly]</i> Soooo isn't the view great from up here?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> I hate you and I hate
this goddamn mountain.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> And I got such a
great deal on this awesome house!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[wiping off his
mouth]</i> Fascinating.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> The contract is
actually for nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years, but I'm allowed to
cancel it<span style="font-style: normal;"> whenever I want! </span>Pretty
cool, huh?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> You bought a house
<i>and</i> a wife? Why the fuck can't you just go to a brothel like
every other sailor ever?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> BECAUSE I'M AN
AMERICAN AND WE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wow. Not a lot has
changed in the past hundred years.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Also, you're a moron.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro brings out a tray with booze
and glasses.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Want something to
wash the taste of vomit out of your mouth?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> I thought you'd never
ask.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Let's see... you can
either have whiskey or milk-punch.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> What in the flying
fuck is milk-punch?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> It's whole milk mixed
with Kool-Aid and left out to ferment in the sun!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Sharpless vomits again.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><i>Fuck</i>, man. Get
it together.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> ... yeah, I'll take a
whiskey.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Pinkerton pours him a glass and
keeps rambling.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Soooo like I was
saying – Americans are fucking awesome and we fuck all the hot
bitches in all the other countries BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL
MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> You should probably
get yourself checked for herpes.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I GOT HOES IN
DIFFERENT AREA COOOODES</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Or syphilis. Syphilis
would also be a problem.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Soooo long story
short, I'm marrying some Japanese hooker but I'm not going to take it
even remotely seriously, because what's the worst that could happen?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Once again: <i>moron.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Pinkerton raises his glass for a
toast.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> AMERICA, FUCK YEAH</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[sighing]</i> ...
fuck yeah. So is your hooker-wife hot?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> SHE'S SUPER HOT AND ALSO
REALLY CHEAP AND I HAVE MORE IF YOU'RE INTERESTED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> FUCK OFF HE WASN'T
TALKING TO YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro scurries offstage.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> So are you actually
in love with this girl?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Well, I definitely
love <i>parts</i> of her.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> You know what I mean.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Wellllll I don't know
if it's really love or just good old-fashioned lust, but every time I
see her I want to tear off her clothes and bend her over a table and
just start going to TOWN.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's lust.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I'm comfortable with
that. I mean, come on – she's just a glorified prostitute, right?
Last time I checked – and believe me, I <i>have</i> – whores
don't really believe in true love.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Actually, she came by
the consulate yesterday to fill out some marriage paperwork and I
heard her talking about you and I could tell from the sound of her
voice that she's completely and totally in love with you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I think I'm gonna
call bullshit on that.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, us too. He
knows she's in love because he heard her talking?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> That's totally a thing
that real people do in real life!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> What if that's
just what her voice sounds like?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> SHUT UP SHE'S MADLY IN
LOVE WITH HIM JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Long story short, you
should probably try to <i>not</i> be a dick and break her heart,
because she might do something drastic.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> Hint hint.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Piss off.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Whatever. You're just
jealous because you're super old and not getting any hot Asian ass.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> I'm serious. There
could be <i>dire consequences</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR
YOU</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Now you're just being
childish.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Just shut up and have
another drink.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Don't mind if I do!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Pinkerton pours more whiskey in
both glasses.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Let's toast to your
family back home!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Nah, I think I'm
gonna toast to the day when I have an <i>actual marriage</i> to an
<i>actual American wife</i> instead of some yellow savage!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[facepalm]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> This isn't going
to end well, is it.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> Nnnnnnope.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Goro rushes back in.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> HEY EVERYONE THE GEISHAS
ARE HERE</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I will never get
tired of hearing that sentence.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Geishas:</b> <i>[offstage]</i>
Woooow it's so pretty up heeeeere</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> <i>[also offstage]</i>
Yaaaaay I'm super excited to marry this studly American guuuuuy</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Geishas:</b> <i>[still offstage]</i>
BEING IN LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> <i>[also still
offstage]</i> WE'RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> ... for about a week.
And then I'm outta here! WOOO AMERICA</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Pinkerton attempts to give
Sharpless a high five.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> You're a douche.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Butterfly – also known as
Cio-Cio-San – enters, accompanied by a gaggle of geishas. They all
bow to Pinkerton.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Did you guys have a
hard time getting up the mountain?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> grumble grumble</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Nah, mostly I just
can't wait to have you ravish me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> <i>[to Sharpless]</i>
I take back everything I said. I think she's my soul mate.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Shut up. <i>[to
Butterfly]</i> Soooo are you from around here?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Yeah, my family was
pretty important in Nagasaki until we weren't anymore and then I had
to become a geisha to pay the bills. But that's how the world works,
I guess. How do you say it in English... "Shit happens?"</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> <i>[to Sharpless]</i>
God, I love that she's so young and still sounds like a little kid.
Not gonna lie, it gets me <i>really hot</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Gross. Is this
about to turn into an episode of To Catch a Predator?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Ahem. And would you
happen to have any sisters? You know, who might be single and/or also geishas?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> No, but my mom's
single... ?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Not really what I had
in mind. Where's your dad?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Dead.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Orchestra:</b> Ominous music!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Butterfly and the geishas hide
their faces behind their fans.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Way to make things
awkward, asshole.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Shut up, Humbert
Humbert. <i>[to Butterfly]</i> So, wait. How old <i>are</i> you,
anyway?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Guess!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Um... ten?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I <i>wish</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Ew.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Nope! Go higher.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Twenty?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> ... you're the
worst age-guesser ever.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Too high! I'm
actually fifteen. I'm <i>so old!</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The geishas all giggle in a
stereotypically Japanese fashion.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[to Pinkerton]</i>
... a <span style="font-style: normal;">fifteen</span>-year-old?
<i>Really?</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I know! <i>Awesome,</i>
right?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> You're the worst
human being I've ever met.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> OH HEY THE GUESTS ARE
ARRIVING</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The Imperial commissary and the
registrar enter, followed by Butterfly's entire extended family.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:</b> OH GROSS THAT
FOREIGN DEVIL HAS YELLOW HAIR HE LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN GOLDEN LION
TAMARIN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly's Mother:</b> Oh baby, I'm
so happy for you!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Because I'm marrying
the man of my dreams?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly's Mother:</b> Mostly
because he's rich. But yeah, sure.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:</b> WE HOPE THEY'LL
GET DIVORCED BUT MEANWHILE WE'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS KICKASS PARTY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> ... yeah, we've
been to weddings like that.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP
ALREADY</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> Soooo I guess your
child bride is pretty hot after all. Props, bro.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[He and Pinkerton fist-bump.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> But really, try not
to be a dick. Remember: <i>dire consequences</i>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> SPOILER ALERT HE'S
GONNA BE A DICK</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Yeah, we figured.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> EVERYONE BOW TO MY
BELOVED</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> ... 'kay.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Everyone bows to Pinkerton.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Sooooo basically
we have a stage full of Asians and they're all bowing to a single
white man. Huh.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:</b> That sound you hear is the
ghost of Rudyard Kipling having a spontaneous orgasm.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Kipling's Ghost:</b> I mean... I'd
have preferred a bunch of sepoys, but I'll take what I can get.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The crowd disperses into the garden
and Pinkerton takes Butterfly to look at the house.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Do you like the
love-shack that I bought for us?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> It's very nice.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Nothing too fancy,
just a little place where we can –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> <i>[rummaging in her
sleeves]</i> Hold that thought.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> – get together.
What's going on?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Oh, nothing. I just
crammed a bunch of stuff up my sleeve earlier and now I'm trying to
get it out.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Stuff like what?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> The usual.
Handkerchiefs, makeup, nipple clamps –</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Wait, what?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> – a couple combs,
my hair dryer, and a big fucking knife.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Jesus. First of all,
how did that all fit in there? And second, why the shit are you
carrying a knife like that?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> I don't want to talk
about it.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Orchestra:</b> Ominous music!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> <i>[whispering to
Pinkerton]</i> It's the knife that her father used to commit ritual
suicide. She always keeps it around.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chekhov:</b> And THAT'S how you
introduce an important object.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Chekhov and Puccini fist-bump.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Could you take
your bromance elsewhere? We're trying to watch the opera.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b> Sorry.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Butterfly also takes some small
statues out of her sleeves.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Jesus, there's <i>more?</i>
What the hell are these?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> They represent the
spirits of my ancestors, so don't be a jerk.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Oh. Sorry.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> And just to let you
know, I converted to Christianity the other day because I love you SO
MUCH but don't tell my family because they'd be super pissed at me
for abandoning the traditions of my family and culture.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Uh oh.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Everyone files back in for the
ceremony.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Goro:</b> EVERYONE BE QUIET</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Imperial Commissary:</b> Do you,
Benjamin Franklin Pinkerton, take this geisha to be your lawfully
wedded wife until you get bored and abandon her?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> I do!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Imperial Commissary:</b> And do
you, Butterfly, take this American asshole to be your husband to whom
you will be devoted until death, even when it's clear he doesn't give
a shit about you anymore?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> I do!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[They both sign the marriage
contract.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> WOOOO</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Geishas:</b> Ohmigaaawwwd now
you're like... <i>Mrs.</i> Butterfly!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:</b> Mrs. <i>Pinkerton,</i>
bitches.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The commissary and the registrar
congratulate Pinkerton and leave.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Sharpless:</b> <i>[shaking
Pinkerton's hand]</i> Just remember – <i>don't be an asshole.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Sharpless leaves.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Soooo now it's just
me and the new in-laws. LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:</b> Actually, we're
just going to pray that Butterfly realizes her mistake and dumps your
obnoxious ass.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b> Tough crowd.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Bonze:</b> <i>[offstage]</i>
WHERE THE FUCK IS CIO-CIO-SAN</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT IT'S BUTTERFLY'S UNCLE</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The Bonze
enters in a rage.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Bonze:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">CIO-CIO-SAN I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT YOU CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH SHIT THAT AIN'T COOL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Bonze:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU'RE FORSAKING YOUR ANCESTORS
AND YOUR HERITAGE FOR SOME FUCKING CRACKER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ALSO NOT COOL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Bonze:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THEREFORE WE WILL NOW DISOWN
YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Relatives:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT HE SAID</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOW
DARE YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY TEMPORARY WIFE GET THE FUCK OFF MY
MOUNTAIN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[The Bonze and
all of Butterfly's relatives leave, shouting insults. Butterfly
starts crying.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Don't
cry, sweetheart. They're just dicks.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks! I love you so much that
I hardly even care that everyone I ever loved before has just
abandoned me! </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Suzuki:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[from the house]</span></i><b><i>
</i></b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMETHING SOMETHING
JAPANESE CREATOR GODS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
the hell is that?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
that's just Suzuki praying to her barbaric pagan gods.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Oh. Sooooo it's getting dark and we're all alone up here... wanna
fuck?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
love that you're so romantic!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know it, baby.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
just have to change into my night-clothes and sing for another twenty
minutes, and </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">then</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
we can consummate our marriage.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
But I'm horny </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">noooowwww</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Butterfly goes
inside, where Suzuki helps her change into another obi. Pinkerton
checks his watch.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sooo
now I'm wearing white because it's the color of bridal purity and
stuff!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
I wanted to talk about clothes, I would have gone to some fashion
boutique instead of </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">literally
buying you</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> to be my
wife.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
so happy my family has disowned me, because now I belong to you
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">completely!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh, honey. Look at your life;
look at your choices.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
yeah, you belong to me and all that happy horseshit. Can we bone yet?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
look just like the goddess of the moooooooooon</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
All this waiting isn't making Pinkerton Junior any happier.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMETHING SOMETHING SYMBOLISM</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMETHING SOMETHING TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're so handsome and manly
and I'd really like it if you'd love me like a little child!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Heh.
No problem there, baby.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AHHH WHY ARE YOU SO GROSS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You're so pretty and graceful;
the name “Butterfly” suits you very well.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I've
heard that in America, people catch butterflies and stick pins in
them and mount them on walls.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[unzipping his pants] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Funny
you should mention that...</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Puccini:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
THAT WAS A PHALLIC REFERENCE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YES WE GOT IT THANK YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Anyway, the reason we do that
to butterflies is so they can't run away. And now that I've caught
you, you won't be able to run from me either.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You just keep getting creepier
and creepier.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So,
once again – we're alone under the stars and no one else is around;
let's have some crazy sex.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Butterfly:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You'll have to wait a little
longer; I'm not done singing about how pretty the sky is yet!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Pinkerton: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
FOR FUCK'S SAKE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of Act I.]</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/madama-butterfly-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></i></span></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-75851492865808848492012-09-02T15:55:00.001-04:002012-09-17T17:36:40.063-04:00The Medium, Act II<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Previous installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-medium-act-i.html" target="_blank">Act I</a><i><b><br /></b></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Act II:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
The same goddamn setting as Act I, about a week later. Toby is
putting on a puppet show for Monica because she's devolved into a
six-year-old again. Monica applauds as he finishes.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yaaaaaay
that was awesome and now I think I'll completely lose my grip on
reality!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wow. Crazy really runs in your
family, doesn't it.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica starts
waltzing with an invisible partner.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
LA LA LA SOMEONE IN THE SKY IS PLAYING A TROMBONE AND A GUITAR</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Bitch,
I </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">told</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you not to eat those magic mushrooms.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Also,
trombone and guitar is just plain weird orchestration.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Yeah,
'cause </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">that's</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
definitely the weirdest thing about this scene.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[still dancing]</span><b>
</b></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">MONICA
MONICA SINGS IN THIRD PERSON</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
touch</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">COME
FLY WITH ME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LET'S
FLY LET'S FLY AWAAAAY</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Toby
takes Monica by the arm.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Okay,
you need to calm down now.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
is it, boy? Timmy fell down the old well?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{BITCH
I AIN'T A GODDAMN DOG}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
is it you're trying to tell me?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{TO
SHUT THE FUCK UP}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[And
then Monica starts narrating Toby's thoughts, because apparently one
bullshit psychic in the family isn't enough.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">“Monica,
I know I'm just a poor mute gypsy boy that your mother took in off
the street – ”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Wow.
You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">“
– and I know I could </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">never</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
be worthy of someone so beautiful and graceful and super-foxy – ”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{You
could make a living as a motivational speaker.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
“ – but I'm deeply, madly, </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">passionately</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
in love with you – ”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Okay,
now you're just making shit up.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">“
– I wanna – li-li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes –
”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Oh,
come </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">on</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">“
– I wanna – </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">mooove</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
from the bed, down to the – down to the floor – ”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{You're
painting a grossly inaccurate picture of my sexual fantasies. Also,
SING A DIFFERENT SONG}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica's
alternate personality suddenly takes over, and she starts freaking
out.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">How
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">dare</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you say such filthy things to me, slave!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">CAN
WE DIAL BACK THE RACIST UNDERTONES PLEASE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Menotti:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nnnnnope.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Don't
you know who I am? I'M A FUCKING QUEEEEEN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{CALM
THE FUCK DOWN}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OFF
WITH HIS HEAD</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Nice
Monica resurfaces, and she has a full-on split-personality battle.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nice
Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Toby...
is our </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">friend!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Evil
Monica:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Liiiiies! We </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">hates</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
him!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Nice
Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
loves him!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
great deal of hissing and spitting ensues.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Evil
Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Don't
make us leave, precioussss... we can be good, yesss...</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
passes out on the floor.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fuck.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{I
know, right?}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
regains consciousness.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Toby,
I know you can't talk, but I think you have the most </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">beautiful</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
voice in the </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">world!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Yeah,
silence is golden. SO WHY WON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
waltzes off into her room like nothing ever happened because she's
fucking insane.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">what
is this I don't even</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
door slams. Baba enters, visibly drunk and carrying a half-finished
bottle of liquor.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Where
th' fuck's Monica?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
points in the direction of her room.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Meh, whatever. Come sit on mama's lap, Toby.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
shudders.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">COME
HERE GODDAMMIT</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus,
this is creepy. Like... </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">way
</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">creepier
than the séance bullshit.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Tell
me about it.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Toby
slowly approaches Baba and sits in her lap.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Now,
I know you're just a dirty gypsy child I picked out of the gutter in
Budapest –</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{WHY
DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING THAT UP TODAY}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
– but I love you like you're </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">my
own son!</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
That's why it hurts me so much whenever you make me hit you!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeeeeeah,
it's getting more awkward in here with every passing second. We're
just gonna step outside for a minute –</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Ushers: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[hiss
menacingly]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
or we could just stay here.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
I promise I'll never hit you again – </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{I'll
believe it when I see it.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
and I'll </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">also</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
buy you a bunch of fancy shit – </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{See
previous comment.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
but </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">only
if you tell me:</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
were </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
the one who grabbed my throat during the séance last week?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
haven't we been over this already?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">promise</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I won't get mad.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Toby
does nothing.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, now might be a good time to shake your head or something.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
{Meh.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Look,
I </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">know</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
it was you. Just show me how you did it.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{You're
not my real mom; you can't tell me what to do.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MOTHERFUCKER
ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A GODDAMN QUESTION</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{MAKE
ME}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
calms down.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">See?
You make me want to beat your shifty gypsy ass when I'm just trying
to be your friend. Just tell me – I'll give you anything you want!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Toby:
</b></span><i>[gives zero
fucks]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOW
ABOUT MONICA HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TAP THAT FINE JAILBAIT ASS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Is
she actually pimping out her daughter right now?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Yes.
Yes she is. Also, I don't want Monica 'cause SHE CRAZY.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MAYBE
IT WASN'T YOU BUT I KNOW YOU SAW WHO OR WHAT DID IT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[still
gives zero fucks]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JUST
NOD OR SOMETHING SO SHE'LL CALM DOWN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Nah,
she usually just yells for a while and then passes out. Trust me; the
worst part's already over.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ANSWER
ME YOU SON OF A BITCH</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Baba
goes to the cupboard and takes out a whip – apparently she keeps
her BDSM gear next to the cheese and crackers – and proceeds to
chase Toby around the room and beat his ass with it.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{OH
GOD I WAS WRONG IT GOT SO MUCH WORSE}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
whipping scene is super uncomfortable and it also goes on way longer
than it needs to.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>My
Blog Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">oh
god this isn't funny anymore</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
not so much.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
doorbell rings. Monica, who apparently couldn't hear her alcoholic
mother beating the shit out of a defenseless child, somehow hears the
doorbell over all the yelling and the sounds of tearing flesh.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yaaaay
for more customers!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus
Christ. You have the worst selective hearing </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">ever.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica
sees Baba and Toby.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BABA
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{It's
about goddamn time. HELP ME YOU DUMB BITCH}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[innocently]
</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
you know how it is... just a couple of </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">bestest
buddies</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
roughhousing after pounding half a bottle of Jack. Like you do.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica
comforts Toby as the Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan enter.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Um...
hi. Are we interrupting something?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
fuck are you guys doing here?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We're
here for the séance. You know, the one that's been the same night
every week for the past</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
two years?</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ohhhhhhh,
right. About that: I'm actually a fraud and I've been cheating you
out of your money this whole time and I'm never doing another séance
again so please go away and let me keep drinking myself to death.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Wait, what?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
FAKED EVERYTHING YOU MORONS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
But –</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HERE
TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK AND GET OUT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't possibly have faked all that.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
pulls back the curtain of the puppet theater and shows them all the
switches.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DO
YOU GET IT NOW</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
what about Mickey's laughter?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MONICA
SHOW THEM</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica
does the exact same baby laugh she's been doing every week for the
past two years.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr.
Gobineau: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
nah, I'm not buying it.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mrs.
Gobineau: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
that doesn't sound like our son at all!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
what about Doodly?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
puts on her dead teenager voice.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
… Moooom … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Moooooooooooooooom
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
don't know where your daughter learned how to do impressions, Madame
Flora, but she's terrible at it. I'd know my Doodly's voice </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">anywhere</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">,
and that's not what I heard last week.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[double-facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
I even found the gold locket she told me about!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">EVERYONE
HAS A GOLD LOCKET SOMEWHERE IT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Waaaaait
a minute. I think I know what's going on here – </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[sighing]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Finally.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: – </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">you
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">thought</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
you were cheating us out of our money, but you've actually been a
real medium the entire time </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">without
even knowing it!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[has
a collective brain aneurysm]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
the single dumbest thing I've ever heard in my very long life. Get
the fuck out of my house.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
PLEASE LET US HAVE OUR S</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ANCE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">PLEEEEEEEEEEASE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
SAID NO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
PRETTY PLEASE WITH SOME SELF-DELUSION ON TOP</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO
GODDAMMIT JUST TAKE YOUR MONEY AND GO AWAY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Fiiiine.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[They
leave, sulking.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Now,
where was I? Oh, right. TOBY I HATE YOU</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BABA
BE NICE</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
sick of being nice to this little asshole. TOBY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
AND NEVER COME BACK</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">What?
But where will he go?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
a great question. Ask me if I give a shit!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
you can't just throw him out into the street!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Watch
me.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
ignores Monica's protestations and chases Toby out of the house.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU'RE
THE WORST MOM EVER</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">GO
TO YOUR ROOM</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica
runs into her room and slams the door. Baba goes over to her liquor
cabinet and pours herself another drink.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Creepy
Voice:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
… Moooom … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Moooooooooooooooom
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">HOLY
SHIT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
goes over to Monica's door.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Monica? Did you just say something?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FUCK
OFF I HATE YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
guess not.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
locks Monica's door and keeps drinking.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Creepy
Voice:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
… Moooom … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Moooooooooooooooom
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHUT
THE FUCK UP YOU ECTOPLASMIC MOTHERFUCKER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
goes over to the table and sits down.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Afraid...
am I afraid? Could I really be afraid? Afraid afraid afraid?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">YES
WE GET IT</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Menotti:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
lost my thesaurus when I was writing this part.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo
I've had a really long life and I've seen people being murdered and
raped and shit and I never gave a fuck because I'm a straight-up
</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">badass</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">...
but for some reason, all this ghost shit has me scared enough to flip
out and murder someone.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Menotti:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Foreshadowing!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Baba
proceeds to have a full-scale meltdown, which ranges from rocking
back and forth in a fetal position and singing the lullaby from Act I
while weeping profusely...]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">oh
black swan where oh where has my sanity gone</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[...to
fits of maniacal laughter...]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AHAHAHAHA
I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[...to
crying and praying.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Holy
Mary, Mother of God, please help me STOP TRIPPING BALLS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[And
finally she just passes out on the table.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well,
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">that</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
was awkward.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
enters, having returned to collect his few belongings.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{grumble
grumble bitch gonna throw me out without letting me get my tambourine
and shit}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
creeps past Baba to Monica's door and finds it locked. He knocks
quietly, and Baba stirs in her sleep.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{fuck
fuck fuck}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[He
hides behind the couch, but Baba doesn't wake up. Eventually he
emerges and starts rummaging around in a trunk for his tambourine,
because a loud obnoxious percussion instrument is </span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">exactly</span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
what everyone needs when they're trying to be silent.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">We'd
facepalm, but our hands are starting to get sore.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
trunk lid falls shut suddenly and makes a loud goddamn noise.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Saw
that coming.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Toby
dives into the puppet theater as Baba wakes up.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
THE FUCK WHO'S THERE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[There's
no response. Baba reaches into a drawer in the table and pulls out a
gun.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Chekhov:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THERE
ARE LIKE THREE PAGES LEFT IN THE OPERA WHY ARE WE ONLY SEEING THE GUN
NOW</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Menotti:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHOOT EVEN THOUGH BULLETS PROBABLY WON'T DO
ANYTHING TO A GHOST</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
curtain of the puppet theater moves slightly.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">AAAAAHHHHHHH
HOLY FUCKING SHIT</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
empties the revolver into the puppet theater. Blood gets everywhere.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WOOO
I'VE KILLED THE GHOST</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
are officially too dumb to live.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
stumbles out of the puppet theater with six bullet holes in his chest
and collapses on the floor.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
huh. That ghost looks an awful lot like Toby.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[through
the door] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">BABA
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
unlocks the door and Monica rushes out.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Guess
what! I'm a Ghostbuster now!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS
CHRIST YOU KILLED TOBY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wait,
seriously? … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">shit.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THIS
IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
runs outside, screaming for help. Baba approaches Toby's corpse and
leans in close.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
so I know I've asked you this a lot, but I promise this is the last
time. Were </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
the one who touched me during the séance?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby's
Corpse: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[bleeds
on the carpet]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, whenever you feel like answering. Just take your time.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[facepalm]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of the opera.]</span></i></span></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9092374456069575916.post-49476985486919499452012-08-26T21:21:00.000-04:002013-06-10T16:41:41.741-04:00The Medium, Act I<div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Medium</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">An opera in two acts (<a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-medium-act-ii.html">Act II</a>)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Music and Libretto: </i>Gian Carlo Menotti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b> </b><i><b> </b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[<b>Act I:</b> A living room
belonging to Baba, a fake medium known professionally as “Madame
Flora.” The room has no windows and there are silk wall-hangings
and beaded lamps everywhere because everyone knows you can't contact
the spirits of the dear departed unless you're in a place that
strongly resembles an opium den. There are also astrological charts
and a small shrine to the Virgin Mary, which would seem to be
contradictory but whatever. There's also a big puppet theater in the
corner because why the fuck not. Toby, a young boy who happens to be
mute for no reason that's ever explained, is busy dressing himself in
Baba's jewelry and scarves from the Fake Gypsy Discount Warehouse.]</i></span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:</b> Wait. This opera
has a drag queen? That's <i>awesome.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Me:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
But at least half the fun of drag queens is listening to them say
sassy shit, and Toby's a mute.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>The
Audience:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;"> Hmm. This could
present a problem.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Menotti:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
My plan with this opera was to take a concept with a lot of potential
for awesome stuff, and then make everything </span><i>substantially
less awesome</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> in practice. I
think it worked out great!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>The
Audience:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;"> Goddammit.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica, Baba's daughter, is over in
the corner, wearing something that looks like a wedding dress and
playing with a veil. She's presumably somewhere in her teens, but she
might have some mild brain damage or something because she spends
half the opera acting like she's six goddamn years old.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Monica:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
BLAH BLAH RUMPELSTILTSKIN BLAH BLAH I THINK MY LIFE IS A FAIRY TALE</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>The
Audience:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;"> … sooo
instead of an awesome sassy drag queen, we have to listen to </span><i>this?</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Menotti:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
Yuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>The
Audience:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;"> YOU MADE THE
WRONG CHARACTER MUTE YOU ASSHOLE</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>Menotti:</b></span><span style="font-style: normal;">
Meh. </span><i>[shrug] </i></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Monica notices that Toby is playing
pretty princess dress-up.]</i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
DAMMIT TOBY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING READY FOR THE S</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">É</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ANCE</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[It's
at about this point that the audience starts imagining that Toby can
actually talk, and that he also sounds exactly like Lafayette from
True Blood.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Bitch,
you just jealous 'cause I'm </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fab</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">ulous.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
Baba gets home and nothing's ready, she's gonna beat your ass again.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Waaaait...
an angry white person beating the shit out of someone named Toby?
This seems familiar.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Kunta
Kinte: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Tell
me about it.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
starts brushing her hair.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">La
la laaaa crowns and gnomes and queeeeeeens</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Maybe
if you shut your dumb mouth for two minutes you'd be able to get
ready faster.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">TOBY
YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME YOU'RE LIKE SOME DUSKY-HUED BABYLONIAN MONARCH</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
did it just get racist in here?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
hugs Toby.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
WOULD TOTALLY MARRY YOU IF YOU WEREN'T DEFECTIVE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Hookuh,
I'm about to slap the shit outta you.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
door slams offstage.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT BABA'S HOME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
now might be a good time to look like you've actually been getting
ready instead of just fucking around.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nah,
we're good.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
and Monica do absolutely nothing. Baba enters.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHAT
THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS WHY IS NOTHING READY</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sorry,
Baba; I was </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">reeeeally
busy</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> pretending I was
the queen of a magical kingdom.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
for fuck's sake. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[to
Toby]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> AND HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP WEARING MY GYPSY SHIT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{You
just mad 'cause I look better in it than you do.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
look like one of them </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">homos.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You know that cross-dressing
and homosexuality aren't the same thing, right?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DON'T
SASS ME I'M A PSYCHIC</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
You're a </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">fake </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">psychic.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
the fuck up and go get ready. And I swear to god, Toby – if
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">anything</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
goes wrong tonight, I'll skin you alive and use your hide as the
world's most grotesque throw-rug.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
where have you been all night, anyway?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Where
have I been? </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Money!</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The Audience:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That doesn't actually answer
her question.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FUCK
OFF</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Baba,
did you rob the liquor store again?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">God,
that was only like... two times. Let it go already.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
It was </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">six</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
times.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Two, six, whatever. The point is, it's in the past.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
I'm pretty sure there's still a warrant out for your arrest a couple
counties over.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Water
under the bridge! Anyway, that miserly bitch Mrs. Campi still owed us
money for contacting the spirit of her dead sister –</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
for </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">pretending</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
to contact the spirit of her dead sister –</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">–
so I sat on her steps all night until she paid me.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">She
paid you? Just like that?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yuuuuup.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
you didn't threaten her or anything?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
not directly.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
folds her arms.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Tell
me what you did, Baba.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fiiiiine.
I may or may not have brought along a can of kerosene and a book of
matches.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">DAMMIT
BABA YOU CAN'T JUST THREATEN TO BURN DOWN PEOPLE'S HOUSES</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">FIRST
OF ALL I NEVER TECHNICALLY THREATENED HER AND SECOND OF ALL IT
TOTALLY WORKED SO I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAD</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">BECAUSE
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS AND SO WE NEVER GET REPEAT CUSTOMERS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Meh.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
how could you do that to poor Mrs. Campi? She's practically broke!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
are we! And if she's so poor, maybe she shouldn't be wasting her
money on bullshit s</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">é</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">ances.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
know, that's the first thing she's said that actually makes sense.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Just
stop whining and get dressed already.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
helps Monica put on the veil. Toby draws back the curtain of the
puppet theater, revealing a number of hidden switches. One messes
with the lights, another levitates the table, and the rest all do
similarly spoooooky shit.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wow.
They're not half-assing this, are they.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
take the art of being a fake psychic </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">very</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
seriously, thank you very much.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
doorbell rings.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SHIT
EVERYONE GET READY</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
conceals himself inside the puppet theater, and Monica retreats into
a hidden room. Baba buzzes the guests in, then sits down at the table
and starts playing solitaire.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Solitaire?
Is that part of the s</span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">éance?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It
makes me look mystical or something. Shut up.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Mr.
and Mrs. Gobineau enter and take off their coats. They're followed
shortly thereafter by Mrs. Nolan, who looks nervous.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Is this your first time visiting Madame Flora?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
I'm kinda freaked out.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
you'll get used to it. She's really great.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
who are you trying to contact?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">My
daughter, Doodly.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Whoa, hold up. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Doodly?</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
What the fuck kind of name is that?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm
sorry... when did she die?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Last year.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo
she was still a toddler or something, right? Like, Doodly was just a
silly nickname for a little girl?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
she was only sixteen...</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jesus
Christ. She probably committed suicide because her heartless bitch of
a mother gave her such a stupid fucking name.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Mrs.
Nolan starts to cry.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
MISS HER SO MUCH</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">really</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
loved her, you would have named her Katherine or something.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[drying
her tears]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
How long have you been coming to Madame Flora?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Every
week for the past two years. We come to communicate with the spirit
of our infant son.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Every
week? That seems excessive. Dude was like... two years old; it's not
like conversation is going to be his strong suit.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sometimes
we hear him laugh! It's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">totally</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
worth all the money we've spent. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
people are morons.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Rich
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">morons
– and that's the only part I care about!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
How did he die?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">He
drowned in a fountain because I'm a terrible mother and I was picking
flowers instead of watching him.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I'm glad we ended up naming him Mickey instead of Bob, 'cause that
would have just been </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">super
awkward</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>[Mrs.
Gobineau starts crying.]</i></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr.
Gobineau:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
There, there. It's probably for the best that he didn't live long
enough to discover what a loveless sham our marriage is.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaaaand
now that we've gotten all that exposition out of the way –</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thanks!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
– it's time to start the séance!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
Gobineaux join hands while Baba turns out the lights. Mrs. Nolan just
sits there and looks nervous.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[whispering]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
we all have to hold hands you stupid bitch</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Mrs.
Nolan joins her hands to the circle. Baba pretends to go into a
trance and starts humming. Then, suddenly –]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">AAAAHHHRGBLEBLE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS
CHRIST WHAT'S WRONG</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
lights come up on Monica, who is visible in ghostly silhouette
through a picture on the wall.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
Moooom … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Moooooooooooooooom
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Doodly?
Is that you?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yeah,
Mom, it's totally me.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That's
pretty convenient – but what do they do when someone wants to
contact a spirit that's </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
a teenage girl?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Menotti:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">She
does a pretty good laughing baby impression...</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
besides that?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Menotti:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">There's
a reason they're practically broke.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Fair enough.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Go on, Mrs. Nolan – talk to her!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
Doodly, I've missed you so much! Will Jesus be mad at me for going to
a séance and consorting with witches like this?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hold
on, let me check.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[There
is a long pause.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nah,
he says it's all good.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Are
you happy? Are you with your father? WHY DID YOU LEAVE MEEE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Yes,
yes, and </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">damn</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">,
girl, calm your tits.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
SO ALOOOOONE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Okay,
here's what you need to do. You need to gather all my stuff up into a
big pile and set it on fire.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">That...
seems a little extreme.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bitch,
I'm just getting started. You also need to stop visiting my grave,
and you have to promise never to cry again. </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ever</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Um...</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Because
if you ever cry about anything again, I'm going to send spirits from
beyond the grave to torment you.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[whimpers
softly]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">You
need to forget about me and move on with your life.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[muttering]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah, </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'm</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
the one who's killing our customer return rate.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So,
to summarize: never cry again, never visit my grave, and burn all my
shit. Oh, except for the gold locket.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Nolan: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold
locket? Doodly didn't have a –</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
WOW LOOK AT THE TIME I GOTTA GO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
light on Monica fades out.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mrs.
Nolan: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Was
it just me, or did that seem a bit... harsh?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Shut
up and let me continue.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr.
Gobineau: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We
now summon the spirit of our beloved son... </span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Mickey.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Yeah, I don't need your help.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr.
Gobineau: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sorry.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica's
voice is heard again, this time in a child-like giggle.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hello,
Mickey! You sound so happy tonight!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Daddy loves you, Mickey! Daddy loves you so much more than your
neglectful Mommy ever did!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[tearing
up a little]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Don't listen to him, Mickey – Mommy loves you </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">almost</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
as much as she loves abandoning tiny children near bodies of water!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wow.
This is just... wow.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica's
laughter starts to fade. The Gobineaux wave goodbye to the ghostly
voice.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Mrs.
Gobineau: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">We'll
be back to see you next week!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[The
room goes silent for a little while. And then –]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS
FUCK WHO TOUCHED ME</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Um...
Mrs. Nolan and I were holding your hands...?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO
NO SOMEONE GRABBED MY THROAT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mrs.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Maybe
it was a spirit! I often feel little Mickey touch me on the shoulder
during our séances.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THAT'S
STUPID AND SO ARE YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Mr.
Gobineau: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oh,
come on. You're not afraid, are you? You spend your whole life
communicating with the spirit world!</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">THANKS
FOR TELLING ME WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING NOW KINDLY GET THE FUCK OUT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
rushes the Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan out of the house. Monica comes
back into the living room, still dressed in her ghost outfit.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">What
the hell happened?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[quietly]</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
Get me my sippy cup of whiskey, Monica. Mama needs her medicine.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
gets Baba some booze. Baba starts drinking like a fish.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Seriously,
though. What's wrong?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[between
gulps] </span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
felt an icy hand on my throat... and it wasn't the hand of a man.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So
it was a woman's hand?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">No.
I mean, like... not </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">human.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">So,
like... a chimp?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NO
GODDAMMIT I MEAN LIKE A GHOST BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE GHOSTS
AREN'T REAL</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Oooookay,
someone's had too much to drink.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">MONICA
I'M SCAAAAARED</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">It's
okay, Baba. Just give me the sippy cup.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">NEVER</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[She
runs over to the puppet theater and pulls back the curtain. Toby is
still huddled inside.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I'M
GOING TO BLAME YOU EVEN THOUGH IT'S OBVIOUS YOU HAVEN'T MOVED THIS
WHOLE TIME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Toby:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">{Bitch,
I was taking a nap until you started yelling. Get the hell out of my
face.}</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU
DID IT JUST TO FUCK WITH ME</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Baba,
he didn't do anything. Just let it go.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
THINK HE'S STUPID JUST BECAUSE HE CAN'T TALK BUT HE'S OBVIOUSLY
DEVIOUS BECAUSE OF THE DIRTY GYPSY BLOOD IN HIS VEINS</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Audience: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Aaaaand
we're back to racism. Awesome.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SEE
HOW HE'S LOOKING AT ME THAT SHIFTY LITTLE BASTARD</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">JUST
CALM THE FUCK DOWN SO I CAN SING YOU THAT GODDAMN LULLABY YOU LOVE SO
MUCH</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
'kay.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica
starts singing, and Toby starts accompanying her on the tambourine
because why the fuck not.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
Queen of Light took her bow</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
then she turned to go</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
Prince of Peace embraced the gloom</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
walked the night aloooooooone</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">…
is that Led Zeppelin?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ohhhhhh,
dance in the dark of niiiight</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sing
to the morning liiiiiiiiight</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">No,
not that one. Sing me something else.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Monica:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
BLACK SWAAAAN</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHERE
OH WHERE HAS MY LOVER GOOOONE</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Natalie
Portman: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bitch,
I have no goddamn idea. Text him or something and leave my crazy ass
out of this.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba,
swaying back and forth drunkenly, starts singing along.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba
and Monica: </span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMETHING
SOMETHING CREEPIEST LULLABY EVEEEERRRRRR</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-style: normal;">Baba:
</span></b><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wait
a minute, shut up.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[A
voice that sounds eerily like Monica's is heard from offstage,
repeating what she said to Mrs. Nolan.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Creepy
Voice:</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">
… Moooom … </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Moooooooooooooooom
</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">…</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">JESUS
CHRIST DO YOU HEAR THAT</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Hear
what?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Monica's
baby-laugh is also heard.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
SHIT SOMEONE MUST BE HIDING IN THE BACK ROOM</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
goes and checks.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">There's
no one else here, Baba. You're either drunk or crazy.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The
Audience: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Can't
it be both?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Toby
comes back.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">TOBY
DID YOU SEE ANYTHING</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Toby:
</b><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[shaking
his head]</span></i><b> </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">{I
don't see nothing except an old-ass drunk lady.}</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">YOU'RE
LYING I'MA BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">GODDAMMIT
CALM YOUR TITS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">WE
HAVE TO PRAY TO JESUS TO SAVE OUR SOULS</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[Baba
kneels down in front of the little shrine in the corner.]</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Baba:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">SOMEBODY
SAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>About
a Quarter of my Blog Readers: </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">A
</span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Smallville</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
reference? Seriously?</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Me:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Fuck
off.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Monica:
</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">OH
BLACK SWAAAAAAAAAAN</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WHERE
OH WHERE HAS MY MOM'S SOBRIETY GOOOONE</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">[End
of Act I.]</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Next installment: <a href="http://operagasmic.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-medium-act-ii.html" target="_blank">Act II</a> </span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></i></span></div>
Charliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17958114280008861988noreply@blogger.com1