Monday, September 10, 2012

Madama Butterfly, Act I

Madama Butterfly
An opera in three acts (Act II, Act III)

Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
 

[Act I: A mountaintop overlooking the harbor of Nagasaki, some time around the turn of the twentieth century. There's a small, stereotypically Japanese house and some cherry blossom trees which are always in bloom because this is Japan and ritual suicide doesn't look nearly as dramatic unless there are fucking flower petals blowing all over the place.]

The Audience: Wait, what about ritual suicide?

Me: Oh. Whoops.

The Audience: Dude, not cool. Throw up a spoiler alert next time or something.

Me: Yeah, it was clearly a huge spoiler. OH NO SOMEONE DIES AT THE END OF AN OPERA

The Audience: Stop mocking us.

Me: Then pipe down and just watch the goddamn show.

[Goro enters, followed by Lieutenant B. F. Pinkerton of the United States Navy. Goro is your typical Western caricature of a shifty Asian businessman, and is apparently a real estate agent as well as a glorified pimp.]

The Audience: Yaaay for racial sensitivity!

[Pinkerton, on the other hand, is a handsome Aryan exemplar in an immaculate uniform. He's also a smug, ethnocentric asshole.]

The Audience: Yaaay for positive perceptions of Americans traveling abroad!

[Goro starts showing off the house. Pinkerton is rather confused.]

Pinkerton: Wait, what the shit? WHY ARE THE WALLS MADE OF PAPER

Goro: They're called shōji, esteemed white devil.

Pinkerton: I don't give a shit what you backward savages call them; I just want to know why I don't have a real goddamn house. Where's the bedroom?

Goro: Wherever you want it to be, according to the whims of your superior Western intellect!

Pinkerton: Yes, well. I suppose it's rather charming – in a quaint, barbaric sort of way.

Goro: Oh yes, very charming. You can move the walls around however you want!

Pinkerton: It looks like a strong wind could blow it over. You don't have any wolves around Nagasaki, do you? Possibly of the big and/or bad variety?

Goro: To his undying shame, your humble servant has no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Pinkerton: It's a joke, Goro.

Goro: OH YES HA HA VERY GOOD SIR

Pinkerton: Shut up. Where are my servants?

[Goro claps his hands. Three servants in traditional Japanese garb shuffle out of the house and bow to Pinkerton.]

Goro: This is the maid and this is the cook and I have no idea what the third one is for. Also, only one of them is remotely important in any way. Guess which one!

Suzuki: OH HI MISTER LIEUTENANT PINKERTON SIR IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND IT WILL BE MY HONOR TO SERVE YOU

Pinkerton: Let me guess... the chatty one.

Goro: I am once again amazed by your incredible Western powers of deduction.

Pinkerton: Yeah, whatever. So where's my bride-to-be?

Goro: She is probably still preparing herself. Geisha make-up takes a long time to put on.

Pinkerton: So who else is coming to this ceremony?

Goro: The official from the American consulate, the Imperial commissary, a registrar, your bride, and her entire extended family – except her uncle, who has the honor of being a respected Buddhist priest and will not be gracing us with his presence because you are barbarian scum.

Pinkerton: Gee, thanks.

Goro: His words, not mine.

Sharpless: [offstage] JESUS FUCK WHY IS THIS MOUNTAIN SO GODDAMN STEEP

Goro: And that must be the consul.

[Sharpless enters, looking like he's about die.]

Sharpless: Holy fucking shit, man. You need to install, like... an escalator or a ski lift or something. Jesus.

Pinkerton: [attempting to shake hands] Nice to meet you! I'm Lieutenant –

[Sharpless vomits everywhere.]

Pinkerton: – wow. Okay. I'm just gonna give you a minute.

Sharpless: fuuuuuuuuck

Pinkerton: [clearing his throat awkwardly] Soooo isn't the view great from up here?

Sharpless: I hate you and I hate this goddamn mountain.

Pinkerton: And I got such a great deal on this awesome house!

Sharpless: [wiping off his mouth] Fascinating.

Pinkerton: The contract is actually for nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years, but I'm allowed to cancel it whenever I want! Pretty cool, huh?

Sharpless: You bought a house and a wife? Why the fuck can't you just go to a brothel like every other sailor ever?

Pinkerton: BECAUSE I'M AN AMERICAN AND WE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT

The Audience: Wow. Not a lot has changed in the past hundred years.

Sharpless: Also, you're a moron.

[Goro brings out a tray with booze and glasses.]

Pinkerton: Want something to wash the taste of vomit out of your mouth?

Sharpless: I thought you'd never ask.

Pinkerton: Let's see... you can either have whiskey or milk-punch.

The Audience: What in the flying fuck is milk-punch?

Pinkerton: It's whole milk mixed with Kool-Aid and left out to ferment in the sun!

[Sharpless vomits again.]

Pinkerton: Fuck, man. Get it together.

Sharpless: ... yeah, I'll take a whiskey.

[Pinkerton pours him a glass and keeps rambling.]

Pinkerton: Soooo like I was saying – Americans are fucking awesome and we fuck all the hot bitches in all the other countries BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOO

Sharpless: You should probably get yourself checked for herpes.

Pinkerton: I GOT HOES IN DIFFERENT AREA COOOODES

Sharpless: Or syphilis. Syphilis would also be a problem.

Pinkerton: Soooo long story short, I'm marrying some Japanese hooker but I'm not going to take it even remotely seriously, because what's the worst that could happen?

The Audience: [facepalm]

Sharpless: Once again: moron.

[Pinkerton raises his glass for a toast.]

Pinkerton: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH

Sharpless: [sighing] ... fuck yeah. So is your hooker-wife hot?

Goro: SHE'S SUPER HOT AND ALSO REALLY CHEAP AND I HAVE MORE IF YOU'RE INTERESTED

Pinkerton: FUCK OFF HE WASN'T TALKING TO YOU

[Goro scurries offstage.]

Sharpless: So are you actually in love with this girl?

Pinkerton: Well, I definitely love parts of her.

Sharpless: You know what I mean.

Pinkerton: Wellllll I don't know if it's really love or just good old-fashioned lust, but every time I see her I want to tear off her clothes and bend her over a table and just start going to TOWN.

Sharpless: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's lust.

Pinkerton: I'm comfortable with that. I mean, come on – she's just a glorified prostitute, right? Last time I checked – and believe me, I have – whores don't really believe in true love.

Sharpless: Actually, she came by the consulate yesterday to fill out some marriage paperwork and I heard her talking about you and I could tell from the sound of her voice that she's completely and totally in love with you.

Pinkerton: I think I'm gonna call bullshit on that.

The Audience: Yeah, us too. He knows she's in love because he heard her talking?

Puccini: That's totally a thing that real people do in real life!

The Audience: What if that's just what her voice sounds like?

Puccini: SHUT UP SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

Sharpless: Long story short, you should probably try to not be a dick and break her heart, because she might do something drastic.

Puccini: Hint hint.

The Audience: Piss off.

Pinkerton: Whatever. You're just jealous because you're super old and not getting any hot Asian ass.

Sharpless: I'm serious. There could be dire consequences.

Pinkerton: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Sharpless: Now you're just being childish.

Pinkerton: Just shut up and have another drink.

Sharpless: Don't mind if I do!

[Pinkerton pours more whiskey in both glasses.]

Sharpless: Let's toast to your family back home!

Pinkerton: Nah, I think I'm gonna toast to the day when I have an actual marriage to an actual American wife instead of some yellow savage!

Sharpless: [facepalm]

The Audience: This isn't going to end well, is it.

Puccini: Nnnnnnope.

[Goro rushes back in.]

Goro: HEY EVERYONE THE GEISHAS ARE HERE

Pinkerton: I will never get tired of hearing that sentence.

The Geishas: [offstage] Woooow it's so pretty up heeeeere

Butterfly: [also offstage] Yaaaaay I'm super excited to marry this studly American guuuuuy

The Geishas: [still offstage] BEING IN LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL

Butterfly: [also still offstage] WE'RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER

Pinkerton: ... for about a week. And then I'm outta here! WOOO AMERICA

[Pinkerton attempts to give Sharpless a high five.]

Sharpless: You're a douche.

[Butterfly – also known as Cio-Cio-San – enters, accompanied by a gaggle of geishas. They all bow to Pinkerton.]

Pinkerton: Did you guys have a hard time getting up the mountain?

Sharpless: grumble grumble

Butterfly: Nah, mostly I just can't wait to have you ravish me.

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] I take back everything I said. I think she's my soul mate.

Sharpless: Shut up. [to Butterfly] Soooo are you from around here?

Butterfly: Yeah, my family was pretty important in Nagasaki until we weren't anymore and then I had to become a geisha to pay the bills. But that's how the world works, I guess. How do you say it in English... "Shit happens?"

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] God, I love that she's so young and still sounds like a little kid. Not gonna lie, it gets me really hot.

The Audience: Gross. Is this about to turn into an episode of To Catch a Predator?

Sharpless: Ahem. And would you happen to have any sisters? You know, who might be single and/or also geishas?

Butterfly: No, but my mom's single... ?

Sharpless: Not really what I had in mind. Where's your dad?

Butterfly: Dead.

The Orchestra: Ominous music!

[Butterfly and the geishas hide their faces behind their fans.]

Pinkerton: Way to make things awkward, asshole.

Sharpless: Shut up, Humbert Humbert. [to Butterfly] So, wait. How old are you, anyway?

Butterfly: Guess!

Sharpless: Um... ten?

Pinkerton: I wish.

The Audience: Ew.

Butterfly: Nope! Go higher.

Sharpless: Twenty?

The Audience: ... you're the worst age-guesser ever.

Butterfly: Too high! I'm actually fifteen. I'm so old!

[The geishas all giggle in a stereotypically Japanese fashion.]

Sharpless: [to Pinkerton] ... a fifteen-year-old? Really?

Pinkerton: I know! Awesome, right?

Sharpless: You're the worst human being I've ever met.

Goro: OH HEY THE GUESTS ARE ARRIVING

[The Imperial commissary and the registrar enter, followed by Butterfly's entire extended family.]

The Relatives: OH GROSS THAT FOREIGN DEVIL HAS YELLOW HAIR HE LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN GOLDEN LION TAMARIN

Butterfly's Mother: Oh baby, I'm so happy for you!

Butterfly: Because I'm marrying the man of my dreams?

Butterfly's Mother: Mostly because he's rich. But yeah, sure.

The Relatives: WE HOPE THEY'LL GET DIVORCED BUT MEANWHILE WE'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS KICKASS PARTY

The Audience: ... yeah, we've been to weddings like that.

Goro: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

Sharpless: Soooo I guess your child bride is pretty hot after all. Props, bro.

[He and Pinkerton fist-bump.]

Sharpless: But really, try not to be a dick. Remember: dire consequences.

Puccini: SPOILER ALERT HE'S GONNA BE A DICK

The Audience: Yeah, we figured.

Butterfly: EVERYONE BOW TO MY BELOVED

Everyone: ... 'kay.

[Everyone bows to Pinkerton.]

The Audience: Sooooo basically we have a stage full of Asians and they're all bowing to a single white man. Huh.

Me: That sound you hear is the ghost of Rudyard Kipling having a spontaneous orgasm.

Kipling's Ghost: I mean... I'd have preferred a bunch of sepoys, but I'll take what I can get.

[The crowd disperses into the garden and Pinkerton takes Butterfly to look at the house.]

Pinkerton: Do you like the love-shack that I bought for us?

Butterfly: It's very nice.

Pinkerton: Nothing too fancy, just a little place where we can –

Butterfly: [rummaging in her sleeves] Hold that thought.

Pinkerton: – get together. What's going on?

Butterfly: Oh, nothing. I just crammed a bunch of stuff up my sleeve earlier and now I'm trying to get it out.

Pinkerton: Stuff like what?

Butterfly: The usual. Handkerchiefs, makeup, nipple clamps –

Pinkerton: Wait, what?

Butterfly: – a couple combs, my hair dryer, and a big fucking knife.

Pinkerton: Jesus. First of all, how did that all fit in there? And second, why the shit are you carrying a knife like that?

Butterfly: I don't want to talk about it.

The Orchestra: Ominous music!

Goro: [whispering to Pinkerton] It's the knife that her father used to commit ritual suicide. She always keeps it around.

Chekhov: And THAT'S how you introduce an important object.

[Chekhov and Puccini fist-bump.]

The Audience: Could you take your bromance elsewhere? We're trying to watch the opera.

Puccini: Sorry.

[Butterfly also takes some small statues out of her sleeves.]

Pinkerton: Jesus, there's more? What the hell are these?

Butterfly: They represent the spirits of my ancestors, so don't be a jerk.

Pinkerton: Oh. Sorry.

Butterfly: And just to let you know, I converted to Christianity the other day because I love you SO MUCH but don't tell my family because they'd be super pissed at me for abandoning the traditions of my family and culture.

The Audience: Uh oh.

[Everyone files back in for the ceremony.]

Goro: EVERYONE BE QUIET

The Imperial Commissary: Do you, Benjamin Franklin Pinkerton, take this geisha to be your lawfully wedded wife until you get bored and abandon her?

Pinkerton: I do!

The Imperial Commissary: And do you, Butterfly, take this American asshole to be your husband to whom you will be devoted until death, even when it's clear he doesn't give a shit about you anymore?

Butterfly: I do!

[They both sign the marriage contract.]

Pinkerton: WOOOO

The Geishas: Ohmigaaawwwd now you're like... Mrs. Butterfly!

Butterfly: Mrs. Pinkerton, bitches.

[The commissary and the registrar congratulate Pinkerton and leave.]

Sharpless: [shaking Pinkerton's hand] Just remember – don't be an asshole.

[Sharpless leaves.]

Pinkerton: Soooo now it's just me and the new in-laws. LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON

The Relatives: Actually, we're just going to pray that Butterfly realizes her mistake and dumps your obnoxious ass.

Pinkerton: Tough crowd.

The Bonze: [offstage] WHERE THE FUCK IS CIO-CIO-SAN

The Relatives: OH SHIT IT'S BUTTERFLY'S UNCLE

[The Bonze enters in a rage.]

The Bonze: CIO-CIO-SAN I JUST FOUND OUT THAT YOU CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

The Relatives: OH SHIT THAT AIN'T COOL

The Bonze: YOU'RE FORSAKING YOUR ANCESTORS AND YOUR HERITAGE FOR SOME FUCKING CRACKER

The Relatives: ALSO NOT COOL

The Bonze: THEREFORE WE WILL NOW DISOWN YOU

The Relatives: WHAT HE SAID

Pinkerton: HOW DARE YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY TEMPORARY WIFE GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOUNTAIN

[The Bonze and all of Butterfly's relatives leave, shouting insults. Butterfly starts crying.]

Pinkerton: Don't cry, sweetheart. They're just dicks.

Butterfly: Thanks! I love you so much that I hardly even care that everyone I ever loved before has just abandoned me!

Suzuki: [from the house] SOMETHING SOMETHING JAPANESE CREATOR GODS

Pinkerton: What the hell is that?

Butterfly: Oh, that's just Suzuki praying to her barbaric pagan gods.

Pinkerton: Oh. Sooooo it's getting dark and we're all alone up here... wanna fuck?

Butterfly: I love that you're so romantic!

Pinkerton: You know it, baby.

Butterfly: I just have to change into my night-clothes and sing for another twenty minutes, and then we can consummate our marriage.

Pinkerton: But I'm horny noooowwww

[Butterfly goes inside, where Suzuki helps her change into another obi. Pinkerton checks his watch.]

Butterfly: Sooo now I'm wearing white because it's the color of bridal purity and stuff!

Pinkerton: If I wanted to talk about clothes, I would have gone to some fashion boutique instead of literally buying you to be my wife.

Butterfly: I'm so happy my family has disowned me, because now I belong to you completely!

The Audience: Oh, honey. Look at your life; look at your choices.

Pinkerton: Yeah, yeah, you belong to me and all that happy horseshit. Can we bone yet?

Butterfly: I look just like the goddess of the moooooooooon

Pinkerton: All this waiting isn't making Pinkerton Junior any happier.

Butterfly: SOMETHING SOMETHING SYMBOLISM

Pinkerton: SOMETHING SOMETHING TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

Butterfly: You're so handsome and manly and I'd really like it if you'd love me like a little child!

Pinkerton: Heh. No problem there, baby.

The Audience: AHHH WHY ARE YOU SO GROSS

Pinkerton: You're so pretty and graceful; the name “Butterfly” suits you very well.

Butterfly: I've heard that in America, people catch butterflies and stick pins in them and mount them on walls.

Pinkerton: [unzipping his pants] Funny you should mention that...

Puccini: THAT WAS A PHALLIC REFERENCE

The Audience: YES WE GOT IT THANK YOU

Pinkerton: Anyway, the reason we do that to butterflies is so they can't run away. And now that I've caught you, you won't be able to run from me either.

The Audience: You just keep getting creepier and creepier.

Pinkerton: So, once again – we're alone under the stars and no one else is around; let's have some crazy sex.

Butterfly: You'll have to wait a little longer; I'm not done singing about how pretty the sky is yet!

Pinkerton: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

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