Lucia di Lammermoor
A dramma tragico in two acts (Act II, Act III)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano
[Act I: The grounds of Ravenswood Castle in Scotland. Normanno, the captain of the guard, enters with an entourage of armed men.]
Normanno: SEARCH THE GROUNDS
The Guards: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: ALSO SEARCH THE RUINED TOWER
The Guards: THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: WE'RE GONNA SOLVE THIS MYSTERY
The Guards: WE SURE ARE
Normanno: OUR HONOR DEMANDS IT
The Guards: IT CERTAINLY DOES
The Audience: The only mystery in this opera is what the fuck is going on and why everyone feels the need to repeat each new phrase seventeen times.
Me: Welcome to the bel canto period, suckers.
The Audience: ... goddammit.
[Normanno and the guards keep singing about mysteries and honor and shit instead of actually doing anything useful.]
The Audience: This is going to be a long opera, isn't it.
The Guards: HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
[The guards finally shut up and go search for... whatever it is they're trying to find. Normanno stays behind because he's lazy. Enter Raimondo, the chaplain, and Enrico, the lord of Ravenswood Castle.]
The Audience: So is Ravenswood a family name, or just the name of the castle?
Donizetti: It's a family name.
The Audience: And Enrico is the head of the family?
Donizetti: Nope. Enrico's an Ashton. The Ravenswoods are his mortal enemies.
The Audience: But he's... That's their... gahhhh. We're less than ten minutes in and this opera already makes no goddamn sense. What the hell, man.
Donizetti: Hey, this isn't my fault. If you've got a problem, take it up with Sir Walter Scott.
Sir Walter Scott: Bring it, bitches.
The Audience: Whatever. You wrote the opera; we're holding you responsible.
Enrico: WOULD ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DELIVER SOME EXPOSITION
The Audience: Oh, thank Christ.
Normanno: Hey, Enrico! You sure look upset about something!
Enrico: And with good reason! As you know, the Ashton family is on the brink of disaster for numerous reasons which I won't bother to explain –
The Audience: GODDAMMIT
Enrico: – and that asshole Edgardo is laughing at us! Man, I hate that guy so much.
The Audience: And let us guess... he's not gonna tell us why.
Me: You're catching on!
The Audience: Go to hell.
Enrico: My stupid sister is the only one who can save the family, but for some reason she doesn't want to marry some guy she's never met in order to unite us with a more powerful clan!
Normanno: What a bitch.
Enrico: I know, right? So selfish.
Raimondo: You know, guys, her mom just died and stuff. Maybe we should be more understanding.
Enrico: You shut your insubordinate mouth.
Raimondo: She's in mourning! Her heart is broken and she can't be expected to love anyone right now.
Normanno: Ummmm I'm gonna call bullshit on that. She's totally banging some other dude.
Raimondo: Well, fuck. There goes her secret romance.
Enrico: How do you know this?
Normanno: I basically follow your sister everywhere she goes.
The Audience: Aaaaand it just got creepy.
Enrico: How did it start?
Normanno: Well, your sister's super hot and I thought that if I followed her long enough I'd get to see her undressing or something –
Enrico: Not the stalking, jackass. The secret affair.
Normanno: Oh. Well, one morning she was out walking near her mother's grave when she was suddenly attacked by a wild bull!
The Audience: Wild bulls in Scotland? Is that a thing?
Donizetti: How the fuck should I know?
Normanno: Anywho, just as she was about to get her very shapely ass killed, some guy comes out of nowhere and straight-up murders the bull.
The Audience: That actually sounds pretty exciting.
Donizetti: I know, right? Waaaay too interesting to actually happen onstage.
The Audience: ... we hate you so much.
Enrico: Okay, I'm going to roll right past your apparent sexual fixation on my little sister –
Normanno: Much appreciated.
Enrico: – and just ask you who this mystery man was.
Normanno: You're probably not gonna like the answer.
Enrico: Whoever he was, he saved Lucia's life! I need to repay him for his act of bravery!
Normanno: He's also been secretly meeting her every morning since then.
Enrico: A harmless flirtation. Just tell me where to send the fruit basket.
Normanno: Okay. Promise you won't get mad?
Normanno: Wellllll I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I'm almost positive he's an enemy of yours.
Enrico: You'll have to be more specific. I'm pretty much a giant asshole to everyone I meet.
Enrico: Shut up.
Normanno: Like... your arch-nemesis. You live in his castle for some reason.
Enrico: ... you mean Edgardo?
Normanno: Just remember, you promised you wouldn't get –
Enrico: SHIT PISS GODDAMN HELL MOTHERFUCKER
Normanno: – mad. Son of a bitch.
Raimondo: Sooo not so much with the gratitude anymore, huh.
Enrico: FUCK NO
Raimondo: Look – Normanno said he wasn't completely sure, so he's probably wrong. You should probably ignore everything he has to say.
Enrico: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAIMONDO
Raimondo: ... yes, m'lord.
Enrico: AHHH I'M SO VERY ANGRY
I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL EVERYONE HERE
Normanno: Please don't? I kinda like being alive.
Raimondo: Yeah, what he said.
Enrico: LUCIA HAS BROUGHT SHAME ON OUR FAMILY FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME AND I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS HIT BY LIGHTNING
The Audience: That... seems a little extreme.
[The guards re-enter.]
The Guards: OH HEY NORMANNO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT
Enrico: What happened?
The Guards: Wellllll we were searching the ruined tower and we saw some guy there and he rode away on a big horse before we could question him but one of us recognized him.
Enrico: And who was it?
The Guards: Edgardo.
Enrico: AHHHH I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW
Raimondo: IT'S NOT TRUE DON'T BELIEVE THEM
Enrico: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP
Enrico: I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER EDGARDO AND PISS ON HIS GRAVE
The Guards: WOOOO REVENGE
[Everyone exits. The scene changes to an old well/fountain somewhere on the castle grounds. Enter Lucia, our heroine – if one can really call her that – and Alisa, her handmaid.]
Lucia: Dammit, Edgardo's still not here.
Alisa: You know, it's probably not a great idea to come here when your brother's on the warpath.
Lucia: It's precisely because Enrico is so furious that I have to warn Edgardo!
Alisa: And you thought the best way to do this would be by having him come here, on the castle grounds, while there are armed men who want to kill him everywhere.
Lucia: Yeah. What's your point?
Alisa: Mostly that it really sucks to work for a moron.
Suzuki: I know, right?
[Lucia looks at the well fearfully.]
Alisa: What's wrong?
Lucia: Oh, nothing. You know that old story of how a Ravenswood, driven mad by love, stabbed his girlfriend and dumped her body in this well?
Lucia: Well, I've seen her ghost. I was out walking one night and I heard a low moan as I was passing this spot, and she suddenly appeared and beckoned to me.
Alisa: That bodes reeeeally well for your relationship with the last surviving Ravenswood.
The Audience: Seriously.
Lucia: Her lips were moving, too. It was like she was trying to say something to me.
Alisa: Like what?
Lucia: "Seven days."
Alisa: HOLY SHIT YOU SAW THE RING
Lucia: And then she disappeared. And the water had all turned blood-red.
Alisa: Yeah, you're fucked. Like... there's literally no way in hell you're making it out of this opera alive.
Alisa: But just to be safe, you could always try breaking up with Edgardo.
Lucia: But I love him so muuuuuuuch and he's so passionate and always makes me feel better about my pointless life!
Alisa: Hey, it's your funeral.
Alisa: Okay, you crazy kids. Have fun; I'll keep watch and make sure no one shows up to murder you.
Edgardo: Soooo just to let you know, I'm going to France for a while. I was thinking that maybe I could talk to your brother before I leave and put an end to this feud so we can get married?
Lucia: Ummm... maybe now isn't the best time to talk to him. There was talk of pissing on graves earlier.
Edgardo: What an asshole. First he killed my father, then he stole my fucking house...
The Audience: This whole feud is starting to make sense now.
Edgardo: … and now he wants to kill me and desecrate my remains. Seriously, I don't know why he hates me so much. He's fucked me over twice, and I have yet to do anything to get back at him.
The Audience: Except boning his sister.
Edgardo: Touché. But yeah, he's a son of a bitch and I swore on my father's grave to wage eternal war on him and his whole fucking family.
Edgardo: Except you, sweetheart.
Lucia: Thank you.
Edgardo: In fact, while I'm here...
Lucia: I don't like where this is going.
Edgardo: brb gonna murder your brother
Lucia: GET BACK HERE
Edgardo: But he's an asshoooooole
Lucia: True, but he's still my brother. Could you just put your revenge plans aside and focus on how much you love me?
Lucia: Like... to the exclusion of everything else. Let your love for me consume you completely.
Edgardo: That sounds like the healthiest possible thing to do!
Edgardo: Let's have a secret marriage! I have a ring for you right here!
[He slips the ring on her finger.]
Edgardo: Do you promise to be faithful to me forever, in the sight of God?
Lucia: I do!
[She produces a ring from somewhere and puts it on his finger.]
The Audience: Is that one of her rings? 'Cause if it fits him, she's got some serious man-hands.
Lucia and Edgardo: Now we're pledged to each other forever and only death can part us!
The Audience: You guys have never heard the phrase "tempting fate," have you.
Lucia and Edgardo: Nnnnnope.
Alisa: [offstage facepalm]
Edgardo: Okay, this has been great and all but I have to go to France. Later!
Lucia: Don't goooooo
Edgardo: I'll miss you so muuuuuuch
Lucia: Write to meeeeeee
Lucia: Seriously, though. I'm going to be a complete emotional wreck the whole time you're gone. I just want you to think about that and feel super guilty and maybe shed a few manly tears when you think about how much pain you're causing me.
Edgardo: Sounds good!
Edgardo: And don't forget, you swore to be faithful to me forever!
Lucia: How could I ever forget? I love you SO MUCH and I promise not to marry anyone else while you're gone!
Edgardo: Sounds legit.
[He exits. End of Act I.]
Donizetti: So, what did you think of the first act?
The Audience: It needs more ominous foreshadowing. I don't think we quite got the whole "doomed lovers" thing.
The Audience: No. Shut up.
Next installment: Act II
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]