[Act II: The ass end of Paris, the
morning after One Day More. Just for the sake of recap, let's see how
things stand at the moment.]
Poor People: We
hate rich people because they're assholes.
Rich People: We
hate poor people because they seem to think they have human rights.
Valjean: I'm
getting ready to flee the country because I heard someone scream
outside my apartment.
The Audience:
You haven't lived in a big city
for very long, have you.
Cosette: I'm
sad because I'll never see Marius again!
The Audience:
You guys have known each other
for less than twenty-four hours and you've only interacted with each
other for about five minutes. Cool it, Heidi Hormones.
Cosette: But
we shared a beautiful love duet!
Éponine: IT
WAS A TRIO YOU MAN-STEALING HUSSY
Enjolras: I'm
leading a bunch of students, most of whom have never used a weapon
before, against a fighting force with superior numbers, equipment,
and training – but our righteous zeal for JUSTICE will make up for
our stunning ignorance of military tactics!
Marius:
I'm moping about a girl, so I think it's entirely acceptable to throw
my life away for no reason.
Enjolras: For
JUSTICE!
Marius: Yeah
sure whatever.
Grantaire: I'M
DRUNK
Javert: [in
disguise] yes hello my
fellow students I am here for the rebelling against the government
Éponine: [also
in disguise] hello I
would also like to fight and also I am definitely a boy
The Students:
Come on in!
The Audience:
[facepalm]
Schönberg
& Boublil:
Also, we only had enough time to compose five or six musical themes
for the whole show – so we just repeat them over and over and
change the words each time.
[And
now we're pretty much caught up. Onward with the plot!]
Enjolras: Okay,
let's get started on building this barricade! Also, I'm gonna need a
volunteer to scout the enemy position and see how many soldiers
they're sending our way.
Javert: I
WILL VOLUNTEER BECAUSE I AM A GODLESS REBEL WHO DESPISES THE NATURAL
ORDER OF THE WORLD JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU
Enjolras: Seems
legit.
[Javert
leaves. The rest of the students start building their dumbass wall.]
The
Students: We
can't wait for the citizens of Paris to join us! It's gonna be the
best revolution ever.
[Marius
bumps into Éponine and immediately sees through her disguise.]
Marius:
ÉPONINE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A GIRL
Éponine:
Then
why are you
here? OHHH BURRRRN
Marius:
Rude.
Éponine:
Yeah,
that was uncalled for. You know what would make you feel better? Some
steamy makeouts.
Marius:
Look,
I just don't want you to get hurt.
Éponine:
Awww,
you care about my well-being!
Marius:
Of
course
I do! If you get hurt or killed, I won't have anyone to deliver my
love note to Cosette!
Éponine:
Aaaaand
you can go fuck yourself.
Marius:
Pretty
please? With a doomed rebellion on top?
Éponine:
[sighing]
Fiiiiine.
[He
gives her the letter.]
Éponine:
But
just for the record, I still think you're –
Marius:
thanks
gotta go bye
Éponine:
–
an asshole.
[She
takes the letter to the Rue Plumet, where she meets Valjean.]
Éponine:
Excuse
me, sir – is your daughter home?
Valjean:
[suspiciously]
Who wants to know?
Éponine:
I
have a letter for her from a hormonal, adolescent jackass.
Valjean:
If
you give it to me, I promise to give it directly to her and not read
it first. 'Cause that would be a pretty dickish thing to do.
[Éponine
gives him the letter, which he immediately opens and reads.]
The
Bishop of Digne's Ghost: noooooo
Valjean you're supposed to be gooooood
Valjean:
Shut
up. You don't know what it's like to have kids.
The
Audience: Technically
speaking, she's not
your kid.
Valjean:
I'm
ignoring you all now. [reading]
“Dearest Cosette,
I
know this might come across as a bit forward, considering how we only
met yesterday and all, but I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
WITHOUT YOU SO I'M GONNA FIGHT AND DIE ON THE BARRICADES BECAUSE
YOU'RE LEAVING
Melodramatically
yours,
Marius”
… HOLY
SHIT WHEN DID MY DAUGHTER MEET A BOY
[He
runs back inside, leaving Éponine alone onstage.]
Éponine:
ALL
BY MYSEEEEELF
DON'T
WANNA BE
ALL
BY MYSEEEEELF
The
Audience: We're
probably starting to sound like a broken record, but you could always
try telling Marius
how you feel
instead of waiting for him to figure it out.
Éponine:
No,
thanks; I'd rather construct an elaborate fantasy world in my head
where the two of us are together and happy and have incredible sex
ALL THE TIME
Éponine's
Fangirls: MARIUS
IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT LOVING HER BACK
The
Audience: No,
he's a jerk for treating her like an errand girl instead of a real
friend.
Éponine's
Fangirls: BUT
HE –
The
Audience: Nnnnnope.
Éponine:
I
KNOW I'M LIVING IN A FICTIONAL WORLD BUT IT'S PREFERABLE TO REALITY
BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH
Every
Fandom Ever: …
that hits uncomfortably close to home.
Éponine:
I
JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
Victor
Hugo: Hey,
remember that time when you had everything you wanted, and then you
were a spoiled little brat and a total bitch to Cosette?
Éponine:
OH
COME ON I WAS ONLY LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD
Victor
Hugo: IRRELEVANT
[The
scene changes back to the barricade, which is already complete.]
Enjolras:
We're
pretty lucky that Grantaire majored in engineering!
The
Audience: That
would explain why it looks so structurally unsound.
Enjolras: I
have no idea what you mean.
Grantaire:
[drinks]
The
Students: WOOO
WE'RE EXCITED TO KICK SOME ASS
Army
Officer: [offstage]
OKAY LISTEN UP YOU DUMBFUCKS YOU'RE SURROUNDED AND THERE'S NO ONE
COMING TO HELP YOU BUT IF YOU SURRENDER RIGHT NOW WE PROMISE TO LET
MOST OF YOU LIVE
Enjolras:
He's
lying! All of Paris will rally to our cause!
All
of Paris: …
Enjolras:
…
after they've finished doing whatever it is they're doing now! Which
I'm sure is extremely important!
All
of Paris: [crickets
chirping]
Enjolras:
Whatever.
If fiction has taught me anything, it's that the reinforcements will
always arrive at the last possible moment.
The
Students: YEAH
WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER
[Javert
climbs over the barricade.]
Javert: So,
I've got good news and bad news.
Enjolras: What's
the bad news?
Javert: They
outnumber us by about thirty to one.
The Students:
fuuuuuuck
Enjolras: And
the good news?
Javert: They
won't attack tonight because they're planning to starve us out –
but when they do
attack, they'll come from the right. I suggest that we concentrate
our forces there and leave our left flank completely exposed.
Enjolras: Sounds
like a plan!
Gavroche:
[entering]
HOLD UP YOU GUYS THAT'S TOTALLY
INSPECTOR JAVERT
The Students:
That's crazy talk. He's dressed like one of us!
[Enjolras takes
off Javert's hat.]
The
Students: HOLY
CRAP IT'S JAVERT
Enjolras:
Good
work, Gavroche. How did you know it was him?
Gavroche:
Um,
maybe because I'm not blind and also an idiot? He walks around the
streets of Paris all day, yelling at people to remember him.
Marius:
Good
point.
Gavroche:
Seriously,
I can't believe you guys didn't recognize him. He was gonna give you
false information so you'd do something stupid and suicidal, like
leaving your left flank entirely unprotected.
The
Students: [glare at
Enjolras]
Enjolras:
…
it sounded like a good idea at the time.
Javert:
And
I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling
kid!
Gavroche:
That'll
teach you to underestimate the little people! We'll fight and we'll
win!
The
Audience: Sure
you will.
Enjolras:
Take
the inspector into the tavern and tie him up. We're gonna have a
trial!
The
Students: That's
stupid. Can't we just shoot him and get it over with?
Enjolras:
No;
that would be rude. Besides, it's not like he's gonna escape or
anything.
Javert:
I
bet you pussies don't have the stones to shoot me.
Grantaire:
WANNA
BET
Javert:
BRING
IT YOU GODLESS SCUM
[Shots are
fired offstage.]
Enjolras:
You
can have your pissing contest later. Just tie him up already.
[Javert
is dragged away. Éponine stumbles onstage.]
Marius:
ÉPONINE
DID YOU DELIVER MY LETTER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO
Éponine:
[bleeding profusely]
…
yeah, I delivered your stupid love letter. Glad I could be so useful.
Marius:
Why'd
you come back? It's dangerous here! You could get hurt!
Éponine:
No
shit.
[She
collapses.]
Marius:
Hey,
is everything okay? [He
touches her.] Wait...
something feels wet. And a bit sticky.
Grantaire:
[offstage]
PHRASING
Marius:
[noticing the blood
on his hand] OH
GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE
Grantaire:
[offstage]
THAT TOO
Marius: ÉPONINE
YOU'RE WOUNDED
Éponine:
Thanks
for noticing, jackass.
[It
starts raining because symbolism.]
Éponine:
If
it makes you feel better, I can't feel any pain.
Marius:
Really?
Éponine:
Fuck
no; it hurts like a bitch. I was just trying to be nice.
Marius:
Oh.
Shit.
Éponine:
It's
okay, though, because you're here and I love you and that's all that
matters.
Marius:
Wow.
Okay, uh... would it help you get better if I told you I loved you
too?
Éponine:
[coughing up blood]
Probably
not.
Marius:
Fuck.
I'm sorry.
Éponine:
It's
all right. I might not get to be with you, but at least I can die for
you and maybe give you a chance of being with the person you love.
The
Headless Ghost of Sydney Carton: I
know that feel, bro.
Marius:
Is
there anything I can do?
Éponine:
…
just hold me until it's over.
[She
dies. Marius kisses her.]
Enjolras: Well,
that
was fucking depressing.
Marius: Yuuuup.
The Students: WE
WILL AVENGE HER DEATH
[Valjean
enters in a soldier's uniform.]
Valjean:
hello
I would like one ticket to the revolution please
Joly:
For
fuck's sake. Their spies aren't even trying
anymore.
Valjean:
I'm
not a spy!
Joly:
Not
a good one, at least. You're still dressed like a soldier, moron.
Valjean:
I
had
to dress like a soldier, or I wouldn't have gotten through their
lines!
Joly:
…
that actually kinda makes sense, but it could just be a trick. How
are we supposed to know that you're not a soldier pretending to be a
revolutionary dressed as a soldier?
Valjean:
Because
that would be needlessly complicated?
Joly:
Also,
you're old as fuck.
Valjean:
I'm
unnaturally strong. I'm sure it'll come in handy.
Joly:
Yeah
well I still don't trust you. We've already had one infiltrator
today.
Valjean:
Who?
Combeferre:
Some
cop named Javert.
Valjean:
Oh,
Christ. Not him
again.
A
Sentry: HEY
THE
SOLDIERS ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK
Enjolras:
[to Valjean]
Here, random stranger we have no reason to trust – take this gun!
Valjean:
Thanks!
Enjolras:
And
know that if you betray us, we'll shoot your fucking face off.
Valjean:
…
duly noted.
[They
all run to the barricade and ready their weapons.]
Enjolras: FIRE
AT WILL
[A lot of
gunfire happens.]
Feuilly: OH
SHIT THERE'S A SNIPER
Valjean:
EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN I
GOT THIS
[Valjean shoots
the sniper before the sniper can shoot Enjolras.]
Valjean:
yeeeeeah headshot I pwned that
fucking n00b
The Bishop of
Digne's Ghost: And now you're
killing people? Seriously?
Valjean: STOP
NAGGING ME
Grantaire:
They're retreating already! Did
we win?
Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Not yet. They're easily
startled, but they'll soon be back – and in greater numbers.
Grantaire: …
goddammit.
Enjolras: [to
Valjean] Thanks for the
save, bro.
Valjean: No
problem. If it's not too much to ask, could you do me a favor?
Enjolras:
Anything.
Valjean: Give
me Javert. Let me take care of him.
Valjean/Javert
Shippers: [squeal]
Valjean: …
I don't mean it like that.
Enjolras: Sure!
Despite the vague wording of your request and the fact that we don't
know you at all, we'll let you have Javert. Hell, we trust you so
much that none of us
will even watch you to make sure that you're actually killing him and
not doing something stupid, like secretly releasing him!
Valjean: I
appreciate that.
[Valjean
draws a knife and takes Javert aside as the students leave.]
Javert: You
think I'm afraid of dying? Bring
it. I will haunt your
bitch ass from beyond the
grave.
The Audience:
You know, he probably actually
would.
Javert: Go
ahead, motherfucker. Try me.
Valjean: For
once in your life, Javert, just shut the hell up.
[He
cuts the ropes binding Javert's wrists.]
Javert:
wait
what
Valjean:
Get
out of here.
Javert:
Is
this some sort of trick?
Valjean:
I'm
letting you live. Now leave
already.
Javert:
THIS
CHANGES NOTHING I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
Valjean:
Yeah,
whatever. If I survive this stupid revolution, you can find me at 55
Rue Plumet.
[Javert flees,
and Valjean fires his pistol in the air.]
The Students:
Yaaaay Javert's totally dead
now and we're all so sure that we're not going to bother checking to
see his body!
Enjolras:
Courfeyrac, you take the first
watch. They're definitely not going to attack again until the
morning, but I want everyone to stay awake all night so we can be
ready for them.
The Audience:
Won't that just mean that
everyone will be exhausted by the time the actual fighting starts?
Enjolras: Shut
up. I mean
it, guys. No one
is allowed to go to sleep.
The Students: :(
Enjolras: Except
you, Marius. You can sleep.
Marius: yaaaaaay
Feuilly: Since
we have to stay up all night anyway, let's get our drink on!
The Students:
WOOOO
The Audience:
Yeah, because sleep deprivation
and alcohol are the keys to success on the battlefield.
Joly: Let's
drink to all the girls we've had sex with!
Grantaire: Let's
drink to the fact that our lives and deaths mean absolutely nothing
in the grand scheme of things!
Everyone: LET'S
DRINK BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISION WE CAN MAKE RIGHT
NOW
Marius: I
have nothing left to live for now that Cosette's leaving, but maybe
she'll be sad when she hears about my agonizing death!
[Marius lies
down and goes to sleep. Valjean sits and watches him sleep because
he's creepy.]
Valjean: Dear
God: I know we haven't always been on the best of terms, but if you
could do me a favor and keep this little jackass alive through the
coming carnage, that would be great. I really want him to bone my
adopted daughter, even though I've done my best up until now to keep
her isolated from the rest of humanity. I won't be around forever,
and Cosette will need a man in her life to tell her what to do –
and if it can't be me, it might as well be some guy she met on the
street yesterday. Amen.
God: …
you're weird, man.
Schönberg:
Hey,
can you also sing some unnecessarily high notes? Thanks.
[The
rest of the night passes without incident. The sun rises.]
Enjolras: Well,
the people of Paris haven't joined our glorious revolution. I guess
we're pretty much fucked.
The Audience:
Yuuuuuup.
Enjolras: But
we'll fight anyway!
The Audience:
[facepalm]
Enjolras:
Since we're all going to die, though, anyone who has a family should
leave while they still can.
Feuilly: Does
anyone else reeeeeally
need a drink right now?
Grantaire:
Always.
The Students:
Well, at least we'll die
together! BROS FOR LIFE (AND ALSO DEATH)
[The
battle begins anew, and somehow the students manage to push the
soldiers back again.]
Enjolras:
Feuilly, how are our supplies
holding out?
Feuilly: Well,
we have guns practically coming out of every orifice.
Enjolras:
Awesome!
Feuilly: The
only problem is that we don't have any bullets for most of them.
Enjolras: Fuck.
Marius: I
can go loot the corpses of the soldiers in the street! I'm sure
they've got lots of ammo on them!
Enjolras: I
can't let you do that; it's too dangerous!
Marius: We're
participating in an attempt to violently overthrow the government.
Safety is clearly not our highest priority here.
Enjolras:
Touché.
But I still can't let you go; you're not expendable enough!
Valjean:
What
about me? I'm old and expendable!
Enjolras:
Oh,
please. I heard your song earlier; you're clearly
the show's leading man.
Valjean:
Dammit.
Gavroche:
I'LL
GO BECAUSE I'M SMALL AND QUICK AND THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT EVIL ENOUGH
TO SHOOT AT A KID
[He
scampers to the top of the barricade before anyone can stop him. To
no one's surprise, he is immediately shot.]
Gavroche:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
The
Students: NOOOOOO
Gavroche:
You
soldiers think you're so cool with your guns and stuff –
[He's
shot again.]
Gavroche:
–
but you shouldn't underestimate little people like me –
[He's
shot again.]
Gavroche:
–
because we'll keep fighting –
[He's
shot again.]
Gavroche:
–
even when we're riddled with bullets –
[He's
shot again.]
Gavroche:
–
because that's how we –
[He's
shot again. This time he's dead for real.]
The
Audience: Christ.
He's like a miniature Sonny Corleone.
The
Students: NOOOOOO
POOR GAVROCHE
The
Audience: Also,
these soldiers are assholes.
How can you guys shoot women and children?
A
Sharpshooter: Easy
– you just don't lead 'em so much.
Army
Officer: [offstage]
OKAY
GUYS YOU SERIOUSLY CAN'T WIN SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SURRENDER AND SAVE
US THE TROUBLE OF MURDERING YOU ALL ONE BY ONE
Enjolras:
GO
FUCK YOURSELVES
Grantaire:
WE'LL
FIGHT UNTIL WE DIE
[They
fight. They die.]
The
Audience: Don't
say we didn't warn you.
[In
the chaos, Marius is shot in the leg and passes out. Valjean picks up
Marius and escapes into the sewers before the barricade is overrun.
Enjolras dies at the top of the barricade, and his body slumps
backward over the edge in the most dramatic way possible.]
The
Audience: Enjolras
– fabulous even in death.
[Javert
enters and looks for Valjean's body, and is understandably pissed to
see that it's not there. Realizing that Valjean must have escaped
into the sewers, Javert hurries away to cut off his escape. The scene
shifts down into the sewers, where Monsieur Thénardier
is robbing corpses.]
Thénardier:
OH
HEY GUYS I BET YOU MISSED ME
The
Audience: Like
a hole in the head.
Thénardier:
So
apparently they're just dumping the dead bodies from the rebellion
down here! I'm gonna make a fortune
from all the stuff I'm stealing. Like this!
[He
yanks a tooth out of a cadaver's mouth.]
Thénardier:
Gold
fillings!
The
Audience: You're
gross.
Thénardier:
Hey,
it's not like they're gonna miss any of it.
The
Audience: It's
less the stealing and more the “knee-deep in shit” part.
Thénardier:
Oh, yeah. That part is
pretty disgusting.
[Valjean
stumbles in with Marius and falls over. Thénardier
examines Marius.]
Thénardier:
Aaaand
I'm just gonna take this ring. It's tragic, what's going on up there,
but that's all the more reason to find a silver lining in the
situation. Or gold. Hell, even copper would do.
[He
turns Valjean over and recognizes him.]
Thénardier:
shiiiiiit
this guy is nothing but trouble
[Thénardier
exits. Valjean regains consciousness, picks up Marius again, and
stumbles out of the sewers just in time to meet Javert.]
Valjean:
Oh,
for fuck's sake.
Javert:
I
TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND YOU
Valjean:
Yeah,
you're the best detective ever. Now will you get out of my way? This
boy has been shot and he needs medical attention.
The
Audience: All
the raw sewage that seeped into his open bullet wound probably didn't
help matters, either.
Javert:
I'M
NOT LETTING YOU GO AGAIN
Valjean:
YOU
CAN ARREST ME LATER BUT THIS KID IS DYING AND HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING
WRONG
The
Audience: Well...
he did
participate in a violent rebellion.
Valjean:
You're
not helping.
Javert:
YOU
ARE UNDER ARREST
Valjean:
FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD JAVERT HE'S GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T LET ME HELP HIM
Javert:
Fiiiiiine.
I'll let you go just this once, but then I'm going to start chasing
you again.
[Valjean
hurries away with Marius.]
Javert:
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
The
Audience: Rough
day, huh.
Javert:
That
son of a bitch had every reason to kill me, but he chose to let me
live because he knew
it would fuck with my head.
The
Audience:
Or maybe he just didn't want to kill you in cold blood.
Javert:
NO
BECAUSE HE'S A CRIMINAL AND CRIMINALS ARE EVIL AND I AM THE LAW AND I
CANNOT LET MYSELF OWE MY LIFE TO A CRIMINAL SO THE ONLY AVAILABLE
OPTION IS SUICIDE
The
Audience: We
think you might be overreacting a little bit.
Javert:
Well,
it's either that or admit that perhaps the world doesn't always work
in black-and-white moral absolutes and that committing a single
criminal act doesn't necessarily mean that a person is entirely evil.
The
Audience: And
the obvious choice is –
Javert:
Suicide!
[He
throws himself off of a bridge and into the Seine.]
The
Audience: [facepalm]
[The
scene changes. The women of Paris remember the fallen rebels:]
The
Women: They
were young and stupid and idealistic and now they're dead. Oh well.
[Marius,
recovering from his wounds, is dealing with a severe case of
survivor's guilt.]
Marius:
You
know, it really
fucking sucks
that all of my friends are dead now.
The
Audience: Right?
Marius:
I
remember the dreams they used to dream and the songs they used to
sing... in fact, I can hear them right now!
The
Audience: That's
probably not good.
Marius:
OH
GOD I CAN SEE THEM TOO
The
Audience: Aaaaand
now we're bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.
Marius:
WHY
AM I STILL ALIIIIIVE
[Cosette
enters.]
Marius:
Well,
at least I get to make out with the woman of my dreams.
Cosette:
You're
healing so quickly! Soon you'll be able to walk without a cane!
Marius:
That's
cool and all, but I can't help but wonder who saved my life.
Cosette:
Why
would you waste time thinking about that when you can think about HOW
MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER
The
Audience: oh
god she's crazy
Cosette:
WE
WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER AND I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE OR GIVE
YOU A MOMENT OF PRIVACY
Marius:
…
hooraaaaay …
[Valjean
enters, but they're too busy making puppy-dog eyes at each other to
notice.]
Cosette:
Remember
that night when you came to my house like a creepy stalker? It was so
romantic!
Marius:
I
felt kinda bad for not knowing your name.
Cosette:
I
fell in love with you then and I still love you and I always will!
Marius:
I
love you tooooooooo
Both:
WE'RE
SO ADORABLE
Valjean:
Christ,
they're obnoxious.
The
Audience: Seriously.
Valjean:
Oh,
well. Now that Cosette has a new man in her life, I can finally have
some time to myself!
[Marius
notices Valjean.]
Marius:
Oh
hey I forgot to mention that we want you to move in with us after we
get married and spend all your time with both of us and we can be the
HAPPIEST FAMILY EVER IN THE WORLD
Valjean:
oh
god no
[He
takes Marius aside. Cosette leaves.]
Valjean:
Listen,
I have to tell you something. My name is Jean Valjean and I was
arrested for stealing a loaf of bread almost forty years ago and I
broke my parole and I've been on the run ever since and Cosette isn't
really my daughter I just adopted her from a dead hooker and if
anyone ever finds any of this out Cosette will be disgraced forever
so I'm just going to leave you guys because you seem like you've got
stuff figured out pretty well. Okay, champ?
Marius:
Uh...
what am I going to tell Cosette?
Valjean:
Nothing.
Just tell her I went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came
back.
Marius:
That's
kinda harsh, man.
Valjean:
Fine.
Just say I've gone on a trip and I couldn't say goodbye to her in
person because I was feeling too many feels.
Marius:
Got
it.
Valjean:
And
you promise
you won't tell Cosette anything about my past?
Marius:
I
promise!
[The
scene changes again, this time to Marius and Cosette's wedding
reception.]
The
Chorus: YAY
FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND STUFF
[The
band starts playing a waltz. M. and Mme. Thénardier
enter, dressed all fancy.]
Some
Announcer Guy: The
Baron and Baroness de Thénard!
Thénardier:
[addressing
Marius] How
do you do, good sir? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being
introduced to you before.
Marius:
Shut
the fuck up, Thénardier;
I know it's you.
Mme.
Thénardier:
I
told
you he wouldn't fall for it.
Marius:
The
only worthwhile member of your family was your daughter and now she's
dead –
The
Audience: No
thanks to you.
Marius:
–
so I'd appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my wedding
reception.
Thénardier:
Before
you throw us out, you might want to listen to what we have to say.
Mme.
Thénardier:
We
have proof that your father-in-law is a criminal!
Thénardier:
But
we won't tell all
your guests
how he murdered a man and dumped his body in the sewer... as long as
you pay us five hundred francs.
Marius:
You're
blackmailing me at my own wedding?
Mme.
Thénardier:
Yuuuup.
Thénardier:
The
day that the barricades fell, I saw Jean Valjean dragging a dead body
through the sewers. I found this on the body!
[He
shows Marius the stolen ring.]
Marius:
THAT'S
MINE YOU ASSHOLE
Thénardier:
Wait,
what?
Marius:
HOLY
CRAP JEAN VALJEAN WAS THE ONE WHO SAVED MY LIFE
[He
throws some money at Thénardier
and runs out with Cosette.]
Thénardier:
Well,
as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy this party!
Mme.
Thénardier:
You
know what's funny?
Thénardier:
What
– the fact that we're still alive when most of the characters with
any redeeming qualities are dead, or that we're something vaguely
resembling rich again?
Mme.
Thénardier:
Both!
[They
cackle with laughter.]
Thénardier:
The
moral of the story is that people with ideals and convictions will
die horrible deaths, but human cockroaches like us will live long,
full lives!
The
Audience: We're
pretty sure that's also the moral of Game of Thrones.
[Victor
Hugo and George R. R. Martin high-five. The scene changes one last
time – Valjean is alone and dying.]
Valjean:
It
sure sucks that I can't see my daughter get married, but I can't come
out of my self-imposed exile because of reasons. Also, I'm pretty
much ready to die now. Beam me up, Jesus!
[Fantine's
ghost appears.]
Fantine's
Ghost: Hey,
thanks for raising my child and all that.
Valjean:
No
problem. Does this mean I get to go to heaven?
Fantine's
Ghost: You
sure do!
[Marius
and Cosette rush in.]
Cosette:
DAD
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME
Valjean:
…
pretty much.
Cosette:
[to
Marius]
YOU SAID HE WAS ON VACATION IN SPAIN
Marius:
He
told me not to tell!
Valjean:
I'm
just happy to see you both again.
Marius:
Soooo
I just found out that you're the one who saved my life at the
barricade. Why didn't you ever tell me?
Valjean:
Mostly
because I didn't want to emasculate you in front of my daughter.
[coughs]
By
the way, I think I'm dying.
Cosette:
DAAAAD
YOU DON'T HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE UNTIL YOU AT LEAST GIVE US A
WEDDING GIFT
Valjean:
Well,
fine. [handing
her a diary] This
is the story of how I'm actually a wanted criminal and your mom was a
prostitute. Happy wedding day!
[He
dies. Éponine's
spirit appears and joins Fantine.]
Fantine's
Ghost: Are
you ready?
Valjean's
Ghost: Yuuuuup.
Éponine's
Ghost: TO
INFINITY –
Fantine's
Ghost: –
AND BEYOOOOOOND
[Valjean
is taken to heaven, where he meets the spirits of everyone who died
over the course of the show. Well... everyone except Javert, because
fuck
that guy.]
All
The Dead People: DO
YOU HEAR OUR SPECTRES SING
SINGING
BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH
ALL
OF OUR LIVES WERE PRETTY AWFUL
UP
UNTIL OUR DYING BREATHS
BUT
WE'RE ALL IN HEAVEN NOW
AND
THAT'S THE ENDING OF THE SHOW –
AFTER
THE CURTAIN CALL JUST TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT AND GO
[End
of the show.]