Previous installments: Act I, Act II
Act III: The following morning. Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow have all fallen asleep. A distant chorus of workers can be heard as the sun rises.
The Orchestra: This is as close to an overture as you're ever going to get in a Puccini opera.
The Audience: So why isn't it at the beginning of the show?
The Orchestra: LISTEN TO ALL THE RECURRING MUSICAL THEMES
Half of the Chorus: Oh haaay
The Other Half of the Chorus: Oh haaaaaaaaay
[This goes on for much longer than it needs to. Finally, Suzuki wakes up.]
Suzuki: Huh. It's already morning.
Butterfly: [mumbling in her sleep] ... oh yeah, baby... right there...
[Suzuki clears her throat loudly.]
Butterfly: WHAT I'M AWAKE
Suzuki: No offense, but you look like crap. Go get some actual sleep in an actual bed, and I'll wake you up when he arrives.
[Butterfly picks up Sorrow, who's still fast asleep, and carries him inside.]
Butterfly: Lullabyyyyy and good niiiiight
Stay asleep, little love-chiiiiild
[Suzuki shakes her head sadly as she listens to the lullaby.]
Butterfly: [offstage] Twinkle, twinkle, little staaar
How I wonder what the fuck is taking your dad so loooooong
Suzuki: Man, marriage sucks. It's times like these I'm glad I'm a lesbian.
[Pinkerton and Sharpless enter through the garden, accompanied by a prim Caucasian woman.]
The Audience: Yeah, that can't be good.
[The two men approach the house, leaving the woman in the garden. Sharpless knocks lightly on the door.]
Suzuki: WHO'S THERE
[She throws open the door.]
Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU
Pinkerton and Sharpless: SHHHHH
Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU
Pinkerton: Is Butterfly asleep?
Suzuki: Yeah, she was up waiting for you all night. I'll go get her!
Pinkerton: You know what, I think she probably needs her sleep. There's no reason to wake her up yet, no sir.
Suzuki: Do you like all the flowers? We decorated the place just for you!
Sharpless: I told you.
Pinkerton: Shut up.
Suzuki: Waaaaaait a minute. Is that a white lady out in the garden?
Pinkerton: Um... yes?
Suzuki: WELL WHO THE FUCK IS SHE
Sharpless: Cat's out of the bag now, asshole.
Pinkerton: She's nobody!
Sharpless: She's his shiny new American wife.
Suzuki: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
Sharpless: Her name's Kate.
Suzuki: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER NAME
Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] Dude. Not cool.
Sharpless: Eat a dick. [to Suzuki] Look. I know Mister Thinks-With-His-Penis over here has completely fucked everything up, but we could really use your help.
Suzuki: With what?
Sharpless: Convincing Butterfly to give the Pinkertons her baby so they can take him back to America.
Suzuki: Wow. Okay. I'm just going to repeat what I said before: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
Sharpless: It's what's best for the child! He'll have a good life and he'll be fed and clothed and educated and they'll give him a real goddamn name instead of an emotion!
Kate: [calling from the garden] I was actually thinking of naming him Postpartum Depression Pinkerton!
Sharpless: Not helping.
Suzuki: You do realize this will literally kill Butterfly, right?
Sharpless: She's the leading soprano in a Puccini opera. She was pretty much doomed from the beginning.
The Audience: Fair enough.
Sharpless: Look, just go talk to Kate. She's really nice, I promise.
Suzuki: Go to hell.
[Suzuki goes into the garden. Meanwhile, Pinkerton has been wandering around the house and making sad faces instead of making any attempt to solve the problems he is entirely responsible for.]
Pinkerton: Wow, this is really sad. I wish something could have been done to prevent this whole awkward situation from ever happening!
The Audience: Fuck you. Fuck you so much.
Pinkerton: OH GOD I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS SADNESS
The Audience: We hope you spend your inevitable time in hell being endlessly violated by some unspeakable Lovecraftian horror.
Pinkerton: SHARPLESS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BUT I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING
Sharpless: Sooo let me get this straight. You came here to take the son you've never met away from his mother – whom you abandoned – and away from the only home he's ever known, and you're just going to dump that responsibility on me and on your new wife?
Pinkerton: If it helps at all, I feel really bad about it.
Sharpless: You're the worst fucking person I've ever met. I told you not to go through with the wedding; I told you she was in love with you; I told you there would be dire fucking consequences – and what did you do? YOU KNOCKED HER UP YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH
Puccini: Just remember, kids – don't be a fool; wrap your tool.
The Audience: Gross.
Pinkerton: Why are you yelling at me? I said I was sorry.
Sharpless: Actually, you didn't.
Pinkerton: Well, I am. And I'm gonna be tormented by this memory for the rest of my life!
Sharpless: Bullshit. You'll be over it in a week.
Pinkerton: Yeah, probably.
Sharpless: Just shut the fuck up and get out. I'll tell Butterfly myself.
Pinkerton: GOODBYE MY FLOWERY LOVE-SHACK
WE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER
BUT NOW I'M JUST GONNA RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE BIIITCH
Sharpless: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY
[Pinkerton runs away. Suzuki and Kate re-enter from the garden.]
Kate: So you'll tell Butterfly that it's for the best?
Suzuki: Yeah, whatever.
Kate: Awesome! I've always wanted to steal an Asian baby.
Suzuki: He's half-Caucasian.
Kate: Meh. Close enough.
Suzuki: In any case, it would be better if I talked to her alone. Maybe you guys should –
Butterfly: [offstage] SUZUKI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
Suzuki: Shit. Everybody hide!
[Kate retreats to the garden so she won't be seen, which is kinda pointless because it's still completely visible from the house. Sharpless, being old and creaky and whatnot, doesn't even bother to move.]
Suzuki: You guys are terrible at hiding. NO BUTTERFLY DON'T COME OUTSIDE
[Butterfly comes outside.]
Butterfly: AHHH WHERE IS HE I KNOW HE'S HERE HE MUST BE HIDING OR SOMETHING
[She runs around the house and the garden, looking for Pinkerton.]
Butterfly: ...huh. I can't find him anywhere, but there's a random American woman in the garden. Anyone feel like explaining?
Sharpless: Not really, no.
[Suzuki starts crying.]
Butterfly: I have a bad feeling about this.
The Audience: Better late than never.
Butterfly: What's wrong? Is my husband dead or something?
Suzuki: No, he's alive.
Butterfly: Is he ever coming back?
Butterfly: [starting to understand] Soooo who's that woman in the garden?
Sharpless: She's pretty much the cause of all your problems, but don't hold it against her.
Butterfly: OH GOD HE GOT A SEX CHANGE
The Audience: A swing and a miss.
Sharpless: Yeah, that's not Pinkerton.
[After two and a half acts of self-delusion, Butterfly's brain chooses this moment to start functioning again.]
Butterfly: OH GOD HE MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE
Sharpless: Now you're getting it.
Butterfly: OH GOD THEY WANT TO TAKE MY SON BACK TO AMERICA
Sharpless: More or less. But it's in the best interests of the child, you know.
Butterfly: Wellllll I have to obey the wishes of my husband, even though he's already married someone else and is actively trying to take away my only reason to keep living.
[Kate comes back from the garden.]
Kate: Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
I stole your husband
Give me your baby
Sharpless: Shut up, Kate.
Kate: Too soon?
Sharpless: Little bit.
Kate: Sorry, Butterfly.
Butterfly: Don't be sorry for me; you've married the best man in the world and I'm sure he'll bring you happiness. You know, until he abandons you and destroys your life.
Kate: Yeah that's great and all but when do I get to take your child?
Butterfly: Back off, you WASP-y bitch. If Pinkerton wants his son, tell him to come here in half an hour.
[Sharpless and Kate leave. Butterfly collapses in tears.]
Suzuki: Jesus. Are you all right?
Butterfly: NO YOU FUCKING MORON I'M NOT EVEN REMOTELY ALL RIGHT
Suzuki: You know what I mean.
Butterfly: WHERE'S MY SON
Suzuki: He's playing. Should I go get him?
Butterfly: No, just go and keep him company. I'm just gonna commit suicide.
Suzuki: Maybe I should stay and make sure you don't do anything crazy... ?
Butterfly: JUST LEAVE ALREADY
[Suzuki exits. Butterfly gets out her father's stabbin' knife and reads the inscription on the blade.]
Butterfly: "You've fucked up your life, but at least you can still die like a badass."
[She prepares to shank herself, but is interrupted by the arrival of Sorrow.]
Suzuki: [calling from offstage] I figured you wouldn't kill yourself in front of your son!
Butterfly: Challenge accepted.
[She embraces her son.]
Butterfly: Soooo your daddy is going to take you to America and I'm going to take a trip to heaven or Nirvana or whatever it is I'm supposed to believe in...
Puccini: Hey, don't look at me. I'm just as clueless as you.
Butterfly: ... but try not to forget me completely, okay? Mommy loves you. Now go play.
[She gives him a tiny American flag and blindfolds him.]
Sorrow: This is a weird game.
Butterfly: You can't talk. Shut up.
[And then she stabs herself.]
Pinkerton: [offstage] BUTTERFLYYYYYY
[Pinkerton and Sharpless run in, only to see Butterfly dead and the blindfolded love-child waving an American flag.]
The Audience: Shut up.
[Pinkerton falls to his knees.]
Pinkerton: WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE WARN ME THAT THIS MIGHT HAPPEN
Sharpless: Seriously, dude. Go fuck yourself.
[End of the opera.]