Cavalleria Rusticana
A melodrama in one
act
Music:
Pietro Mascagni
Libretto:
Giovanni Targioni-Tozzetti and
Guido Menasci
[The opera takes place in the
mid-nineteenth century, in a small Sicilian village. During the
prelude, the tenor starts singing from behind the curtain.]
Turiddu:
[offstage]
I met her in my mom's bar down in Sicily
And she was super hot and had sex with me, oh my Lola
L-O-L-A, Lola
And she went and got married while I was away
But I'm back and now I'm sleeping with her anyway, 'cause YOLO
Y-O-L-O, YOLO
And her husbands pretty tough and a jealous guy
But she's hot enough that I don't even care if I die, oh my Lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola
Mascagni:
Actually, that pretty much
covers the whole plot of the opera right there.
The Audience:
So... can we leave now, or
would that be awkward?
Mascagni: You
can't leave yet! You'll miss all the Catholic guilt!
The Audience: Oh
joy.
[The curtain
rises on the town square, which has a church at one end and Turiddu's
mom's wine bar at the other.]
The Audience:
Religion and alcohol, the two
staples of any Sicilian upbringing.
Me: To
be fair, that also describes Ireland.
[The chorus
enters.]
Chorus Women: WE
ARE SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK WHO ENJOY OUR SIMPLE COUNTRY LIVES
Chorus Men: YES
INDEED WE WORK HARD ALL DAY AND THEN WE ENJOY THE SIMPLE COMFORTS OF
OUR QUAINT HOMES
Chorus Women:
YOU COULD EVEN SAY OUR LIVES
ARE PRETTY RUSTIC
Chorus Men: AND
CHIVALROUS
Chorus Women:
THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE
THAN AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WHO WAS
CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY, SUFFERED UNDER
PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED, AND WAS BURIED
Mascagni:
Oh, right. It's Easter, by the way.
The Audience: Of
course it is.
The Chorus: WE'RE
SO EXCITED TO CELEBRATE EASTER IN A COMPLETELY PEACEFUL AND
NON-MURDEROUS FASHION
[They exit.
Enter Santuzza, a young woman from the village. She seeks out Mama
Lucia, who is Turiddu's mother and the proprietor of the wine bar.]
Santuzza: MAMA
LUCIA WHERE IS TURIDDU
Mama Lucia: I'm
sorry; you must have me confused with someone who talks to dirty
whores.
Santuzza: Rude.
Mama Lucia: Hey,
I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Santuzza:
Pleeeeease I need to talk to
Turiddu and I need to know where he iiiiiiiiis
Mama
Lucia: He's not here; he's gone
to Francofonte to buy more wine.
Santuzza:
No, he's totally back.
Mama
Lucia: BITCH IF YOU KNOW SO
MUCH THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME WHERE HE WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE
Santuzza:
Someone saw him here in town
last night!
Mama
Lucia: What? Aw, hell
naw. He can cavort with brazen hussies all he wants –
Santuzza:
I have feelings, you know.
Mama
Lucia: – but the minute he
starts messing with my business, it is on.
The
Audience: Good to know she's
got her priorities in order.
[Mama
Lucia beckons to Santuzza.]
Mama
Lucia: Come
inside; we can talk more.
Santuzza:
I
CAN'T ENTER YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED
The
Audience: We're
pretty sure that's not how excommunication works, but whatever.
Mama
Lucia: Fine. Just tell me what
my son's been up to!
Santuzza:
Well...
[Alfio
enters. The chorus follows him on because they have nothing better to
do.]
Alfio:
BOY I SURE LOVE CARTING SHIT
FROM TOWN TO TOWN
The
Chorus: YEAH THAT'S APPARENTLY
A THING THAT PEOPLE DO
Alfio:
BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE BACK
HOME FOR EASTER SO I CAN SEE MY LOVING WIFE LOLA WHO WOULD NEVER EVER
CUCKOLD ME
Santuzza:
cough cough SLUT cough cough
Alfio:
YAAAAY IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME
The
Chorus: YAAAAAAAY
Alfio:
Hey, Mama Lucia – do you have
any of that wine I love so much?
Mama
Lucia: Not at the moment –
Turiddu has gone to get more.
Alfio:
But he's back, isn't he? I saw
him near my house this morning, looking completely inconspicuous!
Mama
Lucia: GODDAMMIT HOW LONG HAS
HE BEEN BACK IN TOWN
[Santuzza
elbows Mama Lucia.]
Santuzza:
[whispering]
Ix-nay on the Uriddu-Tay.
Mama
Lucia: Bitch,
you know I don't speak Latin.
Santuzza:
Just
shut up.
[Singing
can be heard from the church.]
Alfio:
Y'all bitches are late for
mass.
Mama
Lucia: Aren't you gonna go?
Alfio:
I have to drop some stuff off
at home first, but I'm sure I'll arrive at the church at an
appropriately dramatic moment.
[He
leaves. The offstage chorus sings in Latin.]
Offstage
Chorus: LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT
VESTIBULUM FEUGIAT IMPERDIET
LIBERO UT ALIQUAM
Onstage Chorus: YAY
FOR JESUS
HE
HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND STUFF
Santuzza: I
AM SAD BECAUSE I CAN'T GO INTO THE CHURCH
The Chorus:
ALLELUIAAAAAAAA
[Everyone goes into
church except Santuzza and Mama Lucia.]
Mama
Lucia: Soooo why did you tell
me to shut up?
Santuzza:
You know how Turiddu had sworn
to love Lola forever before he went off to be a soldier?
Mama
Lucia: Yeah...
Santuzza:
Well, when he got back and saw
that she was married, he seduced me to make her jealous.
The
Audience: What a douche.
Santuzza:
He said he loved me and
promised that we would get married, but now he's just banging Lola
whenever Alfio's out of town. OH GOD I'M THE TOWN HARLOT
Mama
Lucia: Well, shit. And this is
why you can't go to church?
Santuzza:
More or less. But it's okay;
I'll just wait outside and interact with the other main characters.
[Mama
Lucia leaves. Turiddu enters.]
Turiddu:
Oh, hey.
Santuzza:
There
you are! I've been waiting for you!
Turiddu:
That's great. Aren't you going
to church?
Santuzza:
NO BECAUSE I'M A SINFUL SINNER
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT
Turiddu:
Oh, right. The pre-marital sex.
Hey, have you seen my mom around?
Santuzza:
Yeah, but I need to talk to
you.
Turiddu:
Not in front of the church. It
might give people the wrong idea.
The
Audience: Like the idea that
you're an asshole?
Turiddu:
More or less. Anyway, I'm gonna
go –
Santuzza:
Where have you been?
Turiddu:
I was buying wine in
Francofonte.
Santuzza:
Bullshit. Half the town saw you
creeping around Lola's house this morning.
Turiddu:
HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME
Santuzza:
YEAH MAYBE A LITTLE but this
time it was actually Alfio who saw you.
Turiddu:
Shiiiiit.
Santuzza:
If you're going to be a
two-timing dick, you could at least be more careful about it.
Turiddu:
Shut up! Do you want to get me
killed?
Santuzza:
NO BECAUSE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU
LOVE LOLA
Turiddu:
Calm down. I don't love Lola; I
love you!
Jerry
Springer: Is that true? Let's
find out! Come on out, Lola!
[Lola
enters.]
The
Audience: WOOOO
Santuzza:
[expletive deleted]
Lola:
DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND
WAS HOT LIKE ME
DON'T
YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME
Santuzza:
[throws a chair]
The
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lola:
Oh hey, Turiddu. Have you seen
Alfio?
Turiddu:
I dunno; I just got here.
Lola:
Whatever; I'm sure he'll be
here soon. [molto bitchy]
Aren't you coming in, Santuzza?
Santuzza:
People who have committed
grievous sins aren't allowed in church.
Lola:
[innocently] Well,
I guess I should be glad that I'm not a skank like you!
Santuzza:
Yeah, you're a fucking model
of womanly virtue.
Turiddu:
You know what? Your negativity
is really bumming me out. Let's go, Lola.
Lola:
No, thanks. You can stay out
here and finish your conversation.
Turiddu:
But –
Lola:
Stay.
Turiddu:
Yes, ma'am.
[Lola
goes into church.]
Turiddu:
GODDAMMIT SANTUZZA LOOK WHAT
YOU'VE DONE
Santuzza:
I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Turiddu:
I DON'T CARE GET AWAY FROM ME
Santuzza:
DON'T LEAVE ME
Turiddu:
WATCH ME
[She
tries to cling to him, but he shoves her away and runs into the
church.]
Santuzza:
I HOPE YOU HAVE... A BAD
EASTER
The
Orchestra: Dun DUN DUNNNNNNN
The
Audience: … is that supposed
to be some sort of grievous curse?
Mascagni:
Of course. Everyone in the town
is, like... super
Catholic.
The
Audience: It doesn't seem that
terrible, though. “Have a bad Easter.” You might as well tell
someone that you hope they overcook their dinner.
Mascagni:
That would probably get you
shot in some parts Sicily.
The
Audience: … you people are
weird.
[Alfio
enters.]
Santuzza:
ALFIO
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
Alfio:
How
late am I for mass?
Santuzza:
I'm
pretty sure it's ending in five minutes. But what's important right
now is that LOLA IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH TURIDDU
Alfio:
whaaaaaaaaaaat
Santuzza:
Whenever
you leave town, they pretty much fuck like rabbits.
Alfio:
GodDAMMIT
Santuzza:
Right?
Alfio:
If
you're lying to me, I will rip your heart out and eat
it.
The
Audience: Whoa.
Calm down there, khaleesi.
Santuzza:
I'm
not lying!
Alfio:
Okay,
I'll just take your word for it and not bother to verify your
statements in any way.
The
Audience: Don't
worry. It's all true.
Alfio:
TIME
TO GET MY MURDER ON
Santuzza:
…
maybe telling you like this wasn't the best idea.
Alfio:
WHERE'S MY STABBIN' KNIFE
[They
exit. An orchestral intermezzo plays.]
The
Orchestra: Listen to how
beautiful and melodic this is! There's no
way this is all going to
end in tragedy!
The
Audience: Bullshit.
The
Orchestra: Yeah, we're just
fucking with you. Shit's about to get real.
[The
mass ends and the chorus re-enters with Turiddu and Lola.]
The
Chorus: Now that mass is over,
let's go home to our families!
Turiddu:
How about you, Lola?
Lola:
I have to go home, too. I still
haven't found Alfio!
Turiddu:
Meh. He'll get here eventually.
HEY EVERYONE LET'S GET DRUNK
The
Chorus: That sounds way
better than Easter dinner with our loved ones!
Turiddu:
TRA LA LA WINE IS AWESOME
BECAUSE IT REMOVES OUR INHIBITIONS AND MAKES GETTING LUCKY THAT MUCH
EASIER
The
Audience: You're gross and we
hate you.
[Turiddu
and Lola toast to each other.]
Turiddu:
To
your love life!
Lola:
To
your enormous...
health. Ahem. To your health.
The
Chorus: WOOOO
WE LOVE BOOZE
[Everyone
drinks. Alfio enters, looking pissed off.]
The
Chorus: HI ALFIO
Alfio:
Fuck off.
Turiddu:
HEY ALFIO COME DRINK WITH US
Alfio:
Actually, I'd rather drink
poison. Or, you know. Kill
you.
Turiddu:
BRING IT
Lola:
shit shit shit
Chorus
Women: We're outta here.
[They
exit with Lola.]
Turiddu:
So
when do you want to do this?
Alfio:
Right
now.
Turiddu:
Fine.
[Turiddu
embraces Alfio and bites part of his ear off.]
The
Audience: JESUS
CHRIST ALFIO JUST GOT MIKE TYSON'D
Mascagni:
It's
how Sicilians accept challenges.
The
Audience: We
think you're full of shit. You're not even from Sicily.
Alfio:
Looks
like we understand one another. I'll wait for you outside.
Turiddu:
Just
so you know, I'm sorry for screwing your wife and stuff – I'd
totally commit suicide to right the wrong I've caused you, but I
kinda promised to marry Santuzza and if I die then no one will want
her because I took her virginity. Sooooooo I guess I'm gonna have to
kill you!
The
Audience: If
you actually gave a shit about Santuzza's future, maybe you shouldn't
have slept with her in the first place.
Alfio:
And
you also shouldn't have cuckolded me, so you can pretty much eat a
whole bag of dicks.
[Alfio
leaves with the chorus men. Mama Lucia enters.]
Turiddu:
Hey, mom. I just have to go out
into the fields for a few minutes, but if I don't come back for some
completely unexpected reason, could you promise to take care of
Santuzza for me?
Mama
Lucia: Uh... what's going on?
Turiddu:
Oh, nothing. I'm pretty sure
it's just the wine talking.
Mama
Lucia: Oh, okay.
Turiddu:
Now that I think about it,
though, I probably should have waited until I sobered up before
agreeing to fight Alfio to the death.
Mama
Lucia: Wait, what?
Turiddu:
Gottagobye!
[He
runs out.]
Mama
Lucia: TURIDDU MARCO CAZZONE
YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT
[Santuzza
enters and embraces Mama Lucia. A scream is heard in the distance.]
Offstage
Voice: OH GOD TURIDDU'S DEAD
[The
chorus enters, looking shell-shocked. Santuzza and Mama Lucia begin
to weep.]
The
Chorus: OH NOOOOOO
The
Audience: Good fucking
riddance. That guy was an asshole.
[Santuzza
and Mama Lucia glare at the audience.]
The
Audience: … too soon?
[End
of the opera.]
This is perfection :D
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