Previous installment: Act I
Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.
The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED
The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.
Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.
Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.
Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER
Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?
Gianetta: grumble grumble
Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON
The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.
Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.
The Audience: And how's that working out for you?
Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE
The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.
Adina: I know, right?
Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG
The Chorus: NNNNOPE
The Audience: NNNNOPE
Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO
[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]
Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.
The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?
Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.
The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.
Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.
Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?
Adina: ... yeah?
Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?
Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --
Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO
[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]
Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON
The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.
Half of My Readers: Rude.
Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.
Two of My Readers: Also rude.
Me: You know it's true.
Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]
Donizetti: But isn't it great?
The Audience: No comment.
The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?
Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.
The Chorus: Yaaaaaay
[A notary enters.]
Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!
The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?
Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?
Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!
Belcore: That's comforting.
Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.
Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?
Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.
Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE
[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]
Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Dulcamara: om nom nom nom
Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?
Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?
Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT
Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.
Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW
Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?
Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!
[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]
Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!
Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!
Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.
John Travolta: Seriously.
Nemorino: ... dammit.
Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?
Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?
Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.
Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!
Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.
Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?
Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY
Nemorino: But I don't want glory!
Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM
Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...
Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE
Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!
Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.
[Nemorino squints at the contract.]
Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?
Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.
Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!
[He signs the contract.]
Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.
Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?
[Belcore gives him the money.]
Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!
Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.
Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE
[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]
Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE
Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS
Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK
Gianetta: Shut up.
Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE
The Audience: Much appreciated.
Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?
The Audience: Not really, no.
Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.
Chorus Ladies: oooooh
Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!
Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST
The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.
Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?
Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE
[Nemorino enters, drunk.]
Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME
[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]
Nemorino: Oh, hey.
Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.
Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...
Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST
[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]
Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK
[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]
Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?
Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?
Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!
Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?
Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER
Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM
Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO
Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.
The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?
Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS
The Audience: You're a moron.
Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME
Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST
Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE
Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM
[A large catfight ensues.]
Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!
The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.
Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR
Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?
Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?
Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.
Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO
Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.
Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.
Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS
Adina: Wait! What about me?
Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.
Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.
Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?
The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.
[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]
Adina: But... but...
Dulcamara: Crazy, right?
Adina: That's one word I'd use.
Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!
Adina: How so?
Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.
Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!
Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?
Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.
Adina: Oh. Awkward.
The Audience: Yuuuup.
Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?
Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.
Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...
The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.
Adina: Shut up.
Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.
Adina: You shut up too.
Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.
Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME
Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.
Adina: Not gonna happen.
Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!
Adina: They already are.
Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.
Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.
The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?
Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn
Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR
Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.
Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...
Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.
Dulcamara: homina homina homina
Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!
The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.
The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.
Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.
Donizetti: And how!
[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]
Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME
The Audience: For some reason.
Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF
The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...
Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.
The Audience: Nnnnope.
Adina: ... hey. How's it going?
Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!
The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?
Nemorino: I sure don't!
Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.
Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.
Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.
Nemorino: People like you?
Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.
[She hands it to him.]
Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.
Nemorino: But you don't love me?
Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE
Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU
The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!
[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]
Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE
Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?
[Belcore draws his sword.]
Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU
Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO
Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS
Everyone: [calms their tits]
Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.
Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.
Gianetta: Like me?
Belcore: You wish.
Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!
Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --
Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!
Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME
Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!
The Audience: Dude... too soon.
The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL
The Chorus: Alcohol?
Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION
The Chorus: YAAAAAY
Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!
Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!
Belcore: Fuck you both.
Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!
The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE
The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE
[End of the opera.]