Act III: The Son of the Gypsy Woman
Scene I: The Count di Luna's camp, outside the walls of Castellor. There are a bunch of soldiers sitting around and gambling. Ferrando enters.
The Soldiers: BOY WE SURE DO LOVE FUCKING AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING OUR JOBS
Ferrando: You guys are assholes. Why aren't you helping with the siege?
The Soldiers: We'll join the fight when we're needed.
[A group of archers walks across the stage.]
The Archers: … oh god … so much blood …
The Soldiers: See? They can handle it just fine.
Ferrando: Well, the Count has decided that we're storming the castle tomorrow morning. Participation is mandatory.
The Soldiers: But we don't wannaaaaaaa
Ferrando: Tough shit. On a happier note, we have reason to believe that Castellor holds a significant amount of booty, which will be ours for the taking once we get inside.
The Soldiers: This booty of which you speak. Is it, perchance, rockin' errywhere?
Ferrando: To the best of my knowledge, it's mostly just sitting there. But there's a fuckload of it!
The Soldiers: WOOO THEN LET'S GO GET SOME
Everyone: SOUND THE TRUMPET MOTHERFUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S GO TIME
[They run offstage to start preparing for the assault. The Count enters, looking broody.]
Di Luna: I SEE YOU OCCUPYING CASTELLOR WITH THE GIRL I LOVE
AND I'M LIKE “FUCK YOUUUU”
The Audience: Ooh ooh ooh!
Di Luna: There's only one solution to my problem – I need to storm the castle and murder everyone before Leonora can marry Manrico!
The Audience: Everyone?
Di Luna: Well, everyone except Leonora. Obviously.
[There's a commotion offstage. Ferrando rushes in.]
Ferrando: SIR OUR SENTRIES CAUGHT A GYPSY
Di Luna: OH MAN I HATE GYPSIES
Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT
Di Luna: What was she doing?
Ferrando: She was lurking around the edges of the camp like a total creeper, so she's clearly a spy. Also, she's probably a witch because that's how gypsies roll.
Di Luna: Well, duh.
[Several soldiers drag Azucena onstage.]
Azucena: GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS
Di Luna: Bring her over here so that we can see her face better, for reasons that have no significance whatsoever to the plot.
The Audience: Does she look familiar, Ferrando?
Ferrando: Not particularly. Why do you ask?
The Audience: No reason.
Di Luna: What were you doing skulking around our camp?
Azucena: Nothing. I'm a gypsy; we wander.
Di Luna: Bullshit. Where do you come from?
Azucena: I live in the mountains near Biscay.
Di Luna: A gypsy from Biscay? That sounds vaguely familiar for some reason.
Ferrando: Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute.
Azucena: I was perfectly happy there until my ungrateful son abandoned me to chase after some hussy, so now I'm stalking him. Because that's what good parents do.
Ferrando: HOLY CRAP HER FACE
The Audience: Took you long enough, jackass.
Di Luna: Say, would you happen to know anything about a kidnapping that happened near Biscay about fifteen years ago?
Azucena: Nnnnnope. Definitely not.
The Audience: Wait – it's only been fifteen years?
Verdi: Yeah, why?
The Audience: So that means that Manrico is only, like... sixteen or seventeen?
The Audience: Then why'd you write the role so that no one under thirty-five can sing it?
Verdi: Because fuck you, that's why.
Azucena: Sooooo why do you want to know about this abducted baby, anyway?
Di Luna: BECAUSE HE WAS MY BROTHER
Azucena: OH SHIT
Di Luna: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING
Azucena: I'M TOTALLY POSITIVE NOW CAN I GO FIND MY SON
Azucena: OH NOOOO
Ferrando: SHE'S TOTALLY THE ONE WHO MURDERED YOUR BABY BROTHER
The Soldiers: WHAAAAAT
Di Luna: YEAH THANKS I HAD ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT
Azucena: IT'S NOT TRUE IT WASN'T ME
Di Luna: SHUT YOUR LYING GYPSY MOUTH
The Soldiers: YEAH
Azucena: MANRICOOOOOOOO PLEASE COME HELP YOUR POOR CAPTURED MOTHER
Di Luna: Holy shit. You're Manrico's mother?
Azucena: Yeah. Why?
The Audience: Aaaand you just gave Count di Luna some pretty major leverage against your son. Way to go, you dumb bitch.
Di Luna: Today just keeps getting better and better!
Azucena: LET ME GO
Di Luna: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Azucena: WELL GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE THAN YOUR FATHER WAS
The Audience: You know who else God's gonna punish? People who set babies on fire.
Azucena: You're not helping.
Di Luna: Soooo here's the plan. I'm gonna torture the shit out of you in front of the walls of Castellor, and then I'm going to burn you at the stake. And if your son wants to save you, he'll have to come out from behind those big strong walls and fight my whole goddamn army.
Azucena: … shit.
[Di Luna, overjoyed, starts doing a Happy Revenge Dance.]
Di Luna: Doot de doot de dooo
Gonna avenge my brother's murder
Bow chicka chicka haaaaay
The Audience: Hey, do you know what dramatic irony is?
Di Luna: Nnnnope.
The Audience: Yeah, we didn't think so.
[The Count resumes his dance.]
Ferrando and the Soldiers: HELL YEAH LET'S BUILD US A MOTHERFUCKING PYRE
[They drag Azucena offstage.]
Scene II: A hall in Castellor, where Manrico and Leonora are preparing for their wedding. Ruiz, Manrico's second-in-command and all-around BFF, is also present.
Leonora: [looking out the window] I hear the sounds of battle! What's going on?
Manrico: Uh... did you miss the part where the Count di Luna and his entire fucking army are laying siege to the city?
Manrico: Wow. Good thing I'm not marrying you for your brains.
Manrico: Nothing. In any case, I'm expecting them to mount a full-scale assault tomorrow morning.
Leonora: Oh noooooooo
Manrico: But it's okay! We'll triumph anyway – they may be a larger, stronger, better-equipped force, but we have justice on our side!
The Audience: Yeah, that's gonna work out great for you.
Manrico: Well, justice and some pretty huge walls. Yes sir, as long as we stay inside the castle and don't do anything stupid – like, say, going out and engaging them in open combat – there's no way we can lose!
The Audience: [sigh]
Manrico: [to Ruiz] Anyway, I'm just going to leave the entire defense of the castle in your capable hands.
Ruiz: But... you're the commander.
Manrico: Don't sass me, Ruiz. I'm about to get married! That's much more important than making sure we all survive the coming onslaught.
Ruiz: grumble grumble
Leonora: You know, maybe we don't have to get married right this instant. All this talk of war and stuff is kinda killing the mood.
The Audience: In a manner of speaking.
Manrico: Hush, darling. Just let the men-folk worry about that.
Leonora: And what should I think about instead?
Manrico: You know, womanly things. Love and rainbows and unicorns and stuff. Better yet, think about how lucky you are to be marrying a sixteen-year-old paragon of manliness like me!
Leonora: But –
Manrico: Oh, and there's a pretty significant possibility that I might die in battle. But if I do, just remember that I'm doing it for you!
Leonora: Yeah, that'll be a huge comfort when the Count di Luna kidnaps me and forces me to marry him. Thanks.
Manrico: Any time!
[An organ starts playing. Apparently they're next to the chapel or something.]
Leonora and Manrico: WOOO IT'S TIME TO GET MARRIED
[Ruiz rushes in.]
Ruiz: MANRICO THEY'VE CAPTURED THE GYPSY WOMAN
Manrico: Lots of gypsies are women. Which one are you talking about?
Ruiz: THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS TO THE PLOT
Manrico: OH SHIT
Ruiz: THEY'VE BUILT A PYRE AND THEY'RE GETTING READY TO THROW HER ONTO IT
Manrico: [running to the window] FUUUUUUUCK
Leonora: Why the hell do you care? Nobody even likes gypsies.
The Audience: Rude.
The Audience: Rude.
Manrico: YEAH BUT THIS ONE'S MY MOM
The Audience: Well... technically, she's not.
Manrico: RUIZ GO GATHER OUR SOLDIERS
[Ruiz runs out.]
Manrico: I'M GOING TO GO RESCUE MY MOTHER FROM THAT HORRIBLE PYRE EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS COMPLETELY ABANDONING MY ONE AND ONLY STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE
Leonora: Honey... no offense, but that's a terrible idea.
Manrico: I'M SORRY LEONORA I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY – “MOTHERS BEFORE LOVERS”
Leonora: … I don't think that's a thing that anyone says.
The Audience: AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL MOM
[Ruiz re-enters with a bunch of soldiers.]
Manrico: WHO'S READY FOR A SUICIDE MISSION
The Soldiers: THOUGH WE DIE IN COMBAT GORY
WE SHALL LIVE IN SONG AND STORY
WE GO TO IMMORTALITYYYYY
[Manrico and his men rush offstage to do battle.]
Leonora: Seriously? It's five minutes before our wedding, and you're just gonna abandon me?
Manrico: [offstage] YUUUUUP
[End of Act III.]
Next installment: Act IV
Next installment: Act IV