[Act II: The ass end of Paris, the morning after One Day More. Just for the sake of recap, let's see how things stand at the moment.]
Poor People: We hate rich people because they're assholes.
Rich People: We hate poor people because they seem to think they have human rights.
Valjean: I'm getting ready to flee the country because I heard someone scream outside my apartment.
The Audience: You haven't lived in a big city for very long, have you.
Cosette: I'm sad because I'll never see Marius again!
The Audience: You guys have known each other for less than twenty-four hours and you've only interacted with each other for about five minutes. Cool it, Heidi Hormones.
Cosette: But we shared a beautiful love duet!
Éponine: IT WAS A TRIO YOU MAN-STEALING HUSSY
Enjolras: I'm leading a bunch of students, most of whom have never used a weapon before, against a fighting force with superior numbers, equipment, and training – but our righteous zeal for JUSTICE will make up for our stunning ignorance of military tactics!
Marius: I'm moping about a girl, so I think it's entirely acceptable to throw my life away for no reason.
Enjolras: For JUSTICE!
Marius: Yeah sure whatever.
Grantaire: I'M DRUNK
Javert: [in disguise] yes hello my fellow students I am here for the rebelling against the government
Éponine: [also in disguise] hello I would also like to fight and also I am definitely a boy
The Students: Come on in!
The Audience: [facepalm]
Schönberg & Boublil: Also, we only had enough time to compose five or six musical themes for the whole show – so we just repeat them over and over and change the words each time.
[And now we're pretty much caught up. Onward with the plot!]
Enjolras: Okay, let's get started on building this barricade! Also, I'm gonna need a volunteer to scout the enemy position and see how many soldiers they're sending our way.
Javert: I WILL VOLUNTEER BECAUSE I AM A GODLESS REBEL WHO DESPISES THE NATURAL ORDER OF THE WORLD JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU
Enjolras: Seems legit.
[Javert leaves. The rest of the students start building their dumbass wall.]
The Students: We can't wait for the citizens of Paris to join us! It's gonna be the best revolution ever.
[Marius bumps into Éponine and immediately sees through her disguise.]
Marius: ÉPONINE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A GIRL
Éponine: Then why are you here? OHHH BURRRRN
Éponine: Yeah, that was uncalled for. You know what would make you feel better? Some steamy makeouts.
Marius: Look, I just don't want you to get hurt.
Éponine: Awww, you care about my well-being!
Marius: Of course I do! If you get hurt or killed, I won't have anyone to deliver my love note to Cosette!
Éponine: Aaaaand you can go fuck yourself.
Marius: Pretty please? With a doomed rebellion on top?
Éponine: [sighing] Fiiiiine.
[He gives her the letter.]
Éponine: But just for the record, I still think you're –
Marius: thanks gotta go bye
Éponine: – an asshole.
[She takes the letter to the Rue Plumet, where she meets Valjean.]
Éponine: Excuse me, sir – is your daughter home?
Valjean: [suspiciously] Who wants to know?
Éponine: I have a letter for her from a hormonal, adolescent jackass.
Valjean: If you give it to me, I promise to give it directly to her and not read it first. 'Cause that would be a pretty dickish thing to do.
[Éponine gives him the letter, which he immediately opens and reads.]
The Bishop of Digne's Ghost: noooooo Valjean you're supposed to be gooooood
Valjean: Shut up. You don't know what it's like to have kids.
The Audience: Technically speaking, she's not your kid.
Valjean: I'm ignoring you all now. [reading] “Dearest Cosette,
I know this might come across as a bit forward, considering how we only met yesterday and all, but I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU SO I'M GONNA FIGHT AND DIE ON THE BARRICADES BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING
… HOLY SHIT WHEN DID MY DAUGHTER MEET A BOY
[He runs back inside, leaving Éponine alone onstage.]
Éponine: ALL BY MYSEEEEELF
DON'T WANNA BE
ALL BY MYSEEEEELF
The Audience: We're probably starting to sound like a broken record, but you could always try telling Marius how you feel instead of waiting for him to figure it out.
Éponine: No, thanks; I'd rather construct an elaborate fantasy world in my head where the two of us are together and happy and have incredible sex ALL THE TIME
Éponine's Fangirls: MARIUS IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT LOVING HER BACK
The Audience: No, he's a jerk for treating her like an errand girl instead of a real friend.
Éponine's Fangirls: BUT HE –
The Audience: Nnnnnope.
Éponine: I KNOW I'M LIVING IN A FICTIONAL WORLD BUT IT'S PREFERABLE TO REALITY BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH
Every Fandom Ever: … that hits uncomfortably close to home.
Éponine: I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
Victor Hugo: Hey, remember that time when you had everything you wanted, and then you were a spoiled little brat and a total bitch to Cosette?
Éponine: OH COME ON I WAS ONLY LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD
Victor Hugo: IRRELEVANT
[The scene changes back to the barricade, which is already complete.]
Enjolras: We're pretty lucky that Grantaire majored in engineering!
The Audience: That would explain why it looks so structurally unsound.
Enjolras: I have no idea what you mean.
The Students: WOOO WE'RE EXCITED TO KICK SOME ASS
Army Officer: [offstage] OKAY LISTEN UP YOU DUMBFUCKS YOU'RE SURROUNDED AND THERE'S NO ONE COMING TO HELP YOU BUT IF YOU SURRENDER RIGHT NOW WE PROMISE TO LET MOST OF YOU LIVE
Enjolras: He's lying! All of Paris will rally to our cause!
All of Paris: …
Enjolras: … after they've finished doing whatever it is they're doing now! Which I'm sure is extremely important!
All of Paris: [crickets chirping]
Enjolras: Whatever. If fiction has taught me anything, it's that the reinforcements will always arrive at the last possible moment.
The Students: YEAH WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER
[Javert climbs over the barricade.]
Javert: So, I've got good news and bad news.
Enjolras: What's the bad news?
Javert: They outnumber us by about thirty to one.
The Students: fuuuuuuck
Enjolras: And the good news?
Javert: They won't attack tonight because they're planning to starve us out – but when they do attack, they'll come from the right. I suggest that we concentrate our forces there and leave our left flank completely exposed.
Enjolras: Sounds like a plan!
Gavroche: [entering] HOLD UP YOU GUYS THAT'S TOTALLY INSPECTOR JAVERT
The Students: That's crazy talk. He's dressed like one of us!
[Enjolras takes off Javert's hat.]
The Students: HOLY CRAP IT'S JAVERT
Enjolras: Good work, Gavroche. How did you know it was him?
Gavroche: Um, maybe because I'm not blind and also an idiot? He walks around the streets of Paris all day, yelling at people to remember him.
Marius: Good point.
Gavroche: Seriously, I can't believe you guys didn't recognize him. He was gonna give you false information so you'd do something stupid and suicidal, like leaving your left flank entirely unprotected.
The Students: [glare at Enjolras]
Enjolras: … it sounded like a good idea at the time.
Javert: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling kid!
Gavroche: That'll teach you to underestimate the little people! We'll fight and we'll win!
The Audience: Sure you will.
Enjolras: Take the inspector into the tavern and tie him up. We're gonna have a trial!
The Students: That's stupid. Can't we just shoot him and get it over with?
Enjolras: No; that would be rude. Besides, it's not like he's gonna escape or anything.
Javert: I bet you pussies don't have the stones to shoot me.
Grantaire: WANNA BET
Javert: BRING IT YOU GODLESS SCUM
[Shots are fired offstage.]
Enjolras: You can have your pissing contest later. Just tie him up already.
[Javert is dragged away. Éponine stumbles onstage.]
Marius: ÉPONINE DID YOU DELIVER MY LETTER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO
Éponine: [bleeding profusely] … yeah, I delivered your stupid love letter. Glad I could be so useful.
Marius: Why'd you come back? It's dangerous here! You could get hurt!
Éponine: No shit.
Marius: Hey, is everything okay? [He touches her.] Wait... something feels wet. And a bit sticky.
Grantaire: [offstage] PHRASING
Marius: [noticing the blood on his hand] OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE
Grantaire: [offstage] THAT TOO
Marius: ÉPONINE YOU'RE WOUNDED
Éponine: Thanks for noticing, jackass.
[It starts raining because symbolism.]
Éponine: If it makes you feel better, I can't feel any pain.
Éponine: Fuck no; it hurts like a bitch. I was just trying to be nice.
Marius: Oh. Shit.
Éponine: It's okay, though, because you're here and I love you and that's all that matters.
Marius: Wow. Okay, uh... would it help you get better if I told you I loved you too?
Éponine: [coughing up blood] Probably not.
Marius: Fuck. I'm sorry.
Éponine: It's all right. I might not get to be with you, but at least I can die for you and maybe give you a chance of being with the person you love.
The Headless Ghost of Sydney Carton: I know that feel, bro.
Marius: Is there anything I can do?
Éponine: … just hold me until it's over.
[She dies. Marius kisses her.]
Enjolras: Well, that was fucking depressing.
The Students: WE WILL AVENGE HER DEATH
[Valjean enters in a soldier's uniform.]
Valjean: hello I would like one ticket to the revolution please
Joly: For fuck's sake. Their spies aren't even trying anymore.
Valjean: I'm not a spy!
Joly: Not a good one, at least. You're still dressed like a soldier, moron.
Valjean: I had to dress like a soldier, or I wouldn't have gotten through their lines!
Joly: … that actually kinda makes sense, but it could just be a trick. How are we supposed to know that you're not a soldier pretending to be a revolutionary dressed as a soldier?
Valjean: Because that would be needlessly complicated?
Joly: Also, you're old as fuck.
Valjean: I'm unnaturally strong. I'm sure it'll come in handy.
Joly: Yeah well I still don't trust you. We've already had one infiltrator today.
Combeferre: Some cop named Javert.
Valjean: Oh, Christ. Not him again.
A Sentry: HEY THE SOLDIERS ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK
Enjolras: [to Valjean] Here, random stranger we have no reason to trust – take this gun!
Enjolras: And know that if you betray us, we'll shoot your fucking face off.
Valjean: … duly noted.
[They all run to the barricade and ready their weapons.]
Enjolras: FIRE AT WILL
[A lot of gunfire happens.]
Feuilly: OH SHIT THERE'S A SNIPER
Valjean: EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN I GOT THIS
[Valjean shoots the sniper before the sniper can shoot Enjolras.]
Valjean: yeeeeeah headshot I pwned that fucking n00b
The Bishop of Digne's Ghost: And now you're killing people? Seriously?
Valjean: STOP NAGGING ME
Grantaire: They're retreating already! Did we win?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not yet. They're easily startled, but they'll soon be back – and in greater numbers.
Grantaire: … goddammit.
Enjolras: [to Valjean] Thanks for the save, bro.
Valjean: No problem. If it's not too much to ask, could you do me a favor?
Valjean: Give me Javert. Let me take care of him.
Valjean/Javert Shippers: [squeal]
Valjean: … I don't mean it like that.
Enjolras: Sure! Despite the vague wording of your request and the fact that we don't know you at all, we'll let you have Javert. Hell, we trust you so much that none of us will even watch you to make sure that you're actually killing him and not doing something stupid, like secretly releasing him!
Valjean: I appreciate that.
[Valjean draws a knife and takes Javert aside as the students leave.]
Javert: You think I'm afraid of dying? Bring it. I will haunt your bitch ass from beyond the grave.
The Audience: You know, he probably actually would.
Javert: Go ahead, motherfucker. Try me.
Valjean: For once in your life, Javert, just shut the hell up.
[He cuts the ropes binding Javert's wrists.]
Javert: wait what
Valjean: Get out of here.
Javert: Is this some sort of trick?
Valjean: I'm letting you live. Now leave already.
Javert: THIS CHANGES NOTHING I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
Valjean: Yeah, whatever. If I survive this stupid revolution, you can find me at 55 Rue Plumet.
[Javert flees, and Valjean fires his pistol in the air.]
The Students: Yaaaay Javert's totally dead now and we're all so sure that we're not going to bother checking to see his body!
Enjolras: Courfeyrac, you take the first watch. They're definitely not going to attack again until the morning, but I want everyone to stay awake all night so we can be ready for them.
The Audience: Won't that just mean that everyone will be exhausted by the time the actual fighting starts?
Enjolras: Shut up. I mean it, guys. No one is allowed to go to sleep.
The Students: :(
Enjolras: Except you, Marius. You can sleep.
Feuilly: Since we have to stay up all night anyway, let's get our drink on!
The Students: WOOOO
The Audience: Yeah, because sleep deprivation and alcohol are the keys to success on the battlefield.
Joly: Let's drink to all the girls we've had sex with!
Grantaire: Let's drink to the fact that our lives and deaths mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things!
Everyone: LET'S DRINK BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISION WE CAN MAKE RIGHT NOW
Marius: I have nothing left to live for now that Cosette's leaving, but maybe she'll be sad when she hears about my agonizing death!
[Marius lies down and goes to sleep. Valjean sits and watches him sleep because he's creepy.]
Valjean: Dear God: I know we haven't always been on the best of terms, but if you could do me a favor and keep this little jackass alive through the coming carnage, that would be great. I really want him to bone my adopted daughter, even though I've done my best up until now to keep her isolated from the rest of humanity. I won't be around forever, and Cosette will need a man in her life to tell her what to do – and if it can't be me, it might as well be some guy she met on the street yesterday. Amen.
God: … you're weird, man.
Schönberg: Hey, can you also sing some unnecessarily high notes? Thanks.
[The rest of the night passes without incident. The sun rises.]
Enjolras: Well, the people of Paris haven't joined our glorious revolution. I guess we're pretty much fucked.
The Audience: Yuuuuuup.
Enjolras: But we'll fight anyway!
The Audience: [facepalm]
Enjolras: Since we're all going to die, though, anyone who has a family should leave while they still can.
Feuilly: Does anyone else reeeeeally need a drink right now?
The Students: Well, at least we'll die together! BROS FOR LIFE (AND ALSO DEATH)
[The battle begins anew, and somehow the students manage to push the soldiers back again.]
Enjolras: Feuilly, how are our supplies holding out?
Feuilly: Well, we have guns practically coming out of every orifice.
Feuilly: The only problem is that we don't have any bullets for most of them.
Marius: I can go loot the corpses of the soldiers in the street! I'm sure they've got lots of ammo on them!
Enjolras: I can't let you do that; it's too dangerous!
Marius: We're participating in an attempt to violently overthrow the government. Safety is clearly not our highest priority here.
Enjolras: Touché. But I still can't let you go; you're not expendable enough!
Valjean: What about me? I'm old and expendable!
Enjolras: Oh, please. I heard your song earlier; you're clearly the show's leading man.
Gavroche: I'LL GO BECAUSE I'M SMALL AND QUICK AND THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT EVIL ENOUGH TO SHOOT AT A KID
[He scampers to the top of the barricade before anyone can stop him. To no one's surprise, he is immediately shot.]
The Students: NOOOOOO
Gavroche: You soldiers think you're so cool with your guns and stuff –
[He's shot again.]
Gavroche: – but you shouldn't underestimate little people like me –
[He's shot again.]
Gavroche: – because we'll keep fighting –
[He's shot again.]
Gavroche: – even when we're riddled with bullets –
[He's shot again.]
Gavroche: – because that's how we –
[He's shot again. This time he's dead for real.]
The Audience: Christ. He's like a miniature Sonny Corleone.
The Students: NOOOOOO POOR GAVROCHE
The Audience: Also, these soldiers are assholes. How can you guys shoot women and children?
A Sharpshooter: Easy – you just don't lead 'em so much.
Army Officer: [offstage] OKAY GUYS YOU SERIOUSLY CAN'T WIN SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SURRENDER AND SAVE US THE TROUBLE OF MURDERING YOU ALL ONE BY ONE
Enjolras: GO FUCK YOURSELVES
Grantaire: WE'LL FIGHT UNTIL WE DIE
[They fight. They die.]
The Audience: Don't say we didn't warn you.
[In the chaos, Marius is shot in the leg and passes out. Valjean picks up Marius and escapes into the sewers before the barricade is overrun. Enjolras dies at the top of the barricade, and his body slumps backward over the edge in the most dramatic way possible.]
The Audience: Enjolras – fabulous even in death.
[Javert enters and looks for Valjean's body, and is understandably pissed to see that it's not there. Realizing that Valjean must have escaped into the sewers, Javert hurries away to cut off his escape. The scene shifts down into the sewers, where Monsieur Thénardier is robbing corpses.]
Thénardier: OH HEY GUYS I BET YOU MISSED ME
The Audience: Like a hole in the head.
Thénardier: So apparently they're just dumping the dead bodies from the rebellion down here! I'm gonna make a fortune from all the stuff I'm stealing. Like this!
[He yanks a tooth out of a cadaver's mouth.]
Thénardier: Gold fillings!
The Audience: You're gross.
Thénardier: Hey, it's not like they're gonna miss any of it.
The Audience: It's less the stealing and more the “knee-deep in shit” part.
Thénardier: Oh, yeah. That part is pretty disgusting.
[Valjean stumbles in with Marius and falls over. Thénardier examines Marius.]
Thénardier: Aaaand I'm just gonna take this ring. It's tragic, what's going on up there, but that's all the more reason to find a silver lining in the situation. Or gold. Hell, even copper would do.
[He turns Valjean over and recognizes him.]
Thénardier: shiiiiiit this guy is nothing but trouble
[Thénardier exits. Valjean regains consciousness, picks up Marius again, and stumbles out of the sewers just in time to meet Javert.]
Valjean: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Javert: I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND YOU
Valjean: Yeah, you're the best detective ever. Now will you get out of my way? This boy has been shot and he needs medical attention.
The Audience: All the raw sewage that seeped into his open bullet wound probably didn't help matters, either.
Javert: I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO AGAIN
Valjean: YOU CAN ARREST ME LATER BUT THIS KID IS DYING AND HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG
The Audience: Well... he did participate in a violent rebellion.
Valjean: You're not helping.
Javert: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST
Valjean: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JAVERT HE'S GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T LET ME HELP HIM
Javert: Fiiiiiine. I'll let you go just this once, but then I'm going to start chasing you again.
[Valjean hurries away with Marius.]
Javert: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
The Audience: Rough day, huh.
Javert: That son of a bitch had every reason to kill me, but he chose to let me live because he knew it would fuck with my head.
The Audience: Or maybe he just didn't want to kill you in cold blood.
Javert: NO BECAUSE HE'S A CRIMINAL AND CRIMINALS ARE EVIL AND I AM THE LAW AND I CANNOT LET MYSELF OWE MY LIFE TO A CRIMINAL SO THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTION IS SUICIDE
The Audience: We think you might be overreacting a little bit.
Javert: Well, it's either that or admit that perhaps the world doesn't always work in black-and-white moral absolutes and that committing a single criminal act doesn't necessarily mean that a person is entirely evil.
The Audience: And the obvious choice is –
[He throws himself off of a bridge and into the Seine.]
The Audience: [facepalm]
[The scene changes. The women of Paris remember the fallen rebels:]
The Women: They were young and stupid and idealistic and now they're dead. Oh well.
[Marius, recovering from his wounds, is dealing with a severe case of survivor's guilt.]
Marius: You know, it really fucking sucks that all of my friends are dead now.
The Audience: Right?
Marius: I remember the dreams they used to dream and the songs they used to sing... in fact, I can hear them right now!
The Audience: That's probably not good.
Marius: OH GOD I CAN SEE THEM TOO
The Audience: Aaaaand now we're bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.
Marius: WHY AM I STILL ALIIIIIVE
Marius: Well, at least I get to make out with the woman of my dreams.
Cosette: You're healing so quickly! Soon you'll be able to walk without a cane!
Marius: That's cool and all, but I can't help but wonder who saved my life.
Cosette: Why would you waste time thinking about that when you can think about HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER
The Audience: oh god she's crazy
Cosette: WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER AND I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE OR GIVE YOU A MOMENT OF PRIVACY
Marius: … hooraaaaay …
[Valjean enters, but they're too busy making puppy-dog eyes at each other to notice.]
Cosette: Remember that night when you came to my house like a creepy stalker? It was so romantic!
Marius: I felt kinda bad for not knowing your name.
Cosette: I fell in love with you then and I still love you and I always will!
Marius: I love you tooooooooo
Both: WE'RE SO ADORABLE
Valjean: Christ, they're obnoxious.
The Audience: Seriously.
Valjean: Oh, well. Now that Cosette has a new man in her life, I can finally have some time to myself!
[Marius notices Valjean.]
Marius: Oh hey I forgot to mention that we want you to move in with us after we get married and spend all your time with both of us and we can be the HAPPIEST FAMILY EVER IN THE WORLD
Valjean: oh god no
[He takes Marius aside. Cosette leaves.]
Valjean: Listen, I have to tell you something. My name is Jean Valjean and I was arrested for stealing a loaf of bread almost forty years ago and I broke my parole and I've been on the run ever since and Cosette isn't really my daughter I just adopted her from a dead hooker and if anyone ever finds any of this out Cosette will be disgraced forever so I'm just going to leave you guys because you seem like you've got stuff figured out pretty well. Okay, champ?
Marius: Uh... what am I going to tell Cosette?
Valjean: Nothing. Just tell her I went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
Marius: That's kinda harsh, man.
Valjean: Fine. Just say I've gone on a trip and I couldn't say goodbye to her in person because I was feeling too many feels.
Marius: Got it.
Valjean: And you promise you won't tell Cosette anything about my past?
Marius: I promise!
[The scene changes again, this time to Marius and Cosette's wedding reception.]
The Chorus: YAY FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND STUFF
[The band starts playing a waltz. M. and Mme. Thénardier enter, dressed all fancy.]
Some Announcer Guy: The Baron and Baroness de Thénard!
Thénardier: [addressing Marius] How do you do, good sir? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being introduced to you before.
Marius: Shut the fuck up, Thénardier; I know it's you.
Mme. Thénardier: I told you he wouldn't fall for it.
Marius: The only worthwhile member of your family was your daughter and now she's dead –
The Audience: No thanks to you.
Marius: – so I'd appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my wedding reception.
Thénardier: Before you throw us out, you might want to listen to what we have to say.
Mme. Thénardier: We have proof that your father-in-law is a criminal!
Thénardier: But we won't tell all your guests how he murdered a man and dumped his body in the sewer... as long as you pay us five hundred francs.
Marius: You're blackmailing me at my own wedding?
Mme. Thénardier: Yuuuup.
Thénardier: The day that the barricades fell, I saw Jean Valjean dragging a dead body through the sewers. I found this on the body!
[He shows Marius the stolen ring.]
Marius: THAT'S MINE YOU ASSHOLE
Thénardier: Wait, what?
Marius: HOLY CRAP JEAN VALJEAN WAS THE ONE WHO SAVED MY LIFE
[He throws some money at Thénardier and runs out with Cosette.]
Thénardier: Well, as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy this party!
Mme. Thénardier: You know what's funny?
Thénardier: What – the fact that we're still alive when most of the characters with any redeeming qualities are dead, or that we're something vaguely resembling rich again?
Mme. Thénardier: Both!
[They cackle with laughter.]
Thénardier: The moral of the story is that people with ideals and convictions will die horrible deaths, but human cockroaches like us will live long, full lives!
The Audience: We're pretty sure that's also the moral of Game of Thrones.
[Victor Hugo and George R. R. Martin high-five. The scene changes one last time – Valjean is alone and dying.]
Valjean: It sure sucks that I can't see my daughter get married, but I can't come out of my self-imposed exile because of reasons. Also, I'm pretty much ready to die now. Beam me up, Jesus!
[Fantine's ghost appears.]
Fantine's Ghost: Hey, thanks for raising my child and all that.
Valjean: No problem. Does this mean I get to go to heaven?
Fantine's Ghost: You sure do!
[Marius and Cosette rush in.]
Cosette: DAD HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME
Valjean: … pretty much.
Cosette: [to Marius] YOU SAID HE WAS ON VACATION IN SPAIN
Marius: He told me not to tell!
Valjean: I'm just happy to see you both again.
Marius: Soooo I just found out that you're the one who saved my life at the barricade. Why didn't you ever tell me?
Valjean: Mostly because I didn't want to emasculate you in front of my daughter. [coughs] By the way, I think I'm dying.
Cosette: DAAAAD YOU DON'T HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE UNTIL YOU AT LEAST GIVE US A WEDDING GIFT
Valjean: Well, fine. [handing her a diary] This is the story of how I'm actually a wanted criminal and your mom was a prostitute. Happy wedding day!
[He dies. Éponine's spirit appears and joins Fantine.]
Fantine's Ghost: Are you ready?
Valjean's Ghost: Yuuuuup.
Éponine's Ghost: TO INFINITY –
Fantine's Ghost: – AND BEYOOOOOOND
[Valjean is taken to heaven, where he meets the spirits of everyone who died over the course of the show. Well... everyone except Javert, because fuck that guy.]
All The Dead People: DO YOU HEAR OUR SPECTRES SING
SINGING BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH
ALL OF OUR LIVES WERE PRETTY AWFUL
UP UNTIL OUR DYING BREATHS
BUT WE'RE ALL IN HEAVEN NOW
AND THAT'S THE ENDING OF THE SHOW –
AFTER THE CURTAIN CALL JUST TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT AND GO
[End of the show.]