La bohème, Act II

[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]

Previous installments: Act I

Act II: Cafe Momus, the hang-out of choice for douchey Parisian hipsters. Still Christmas Eve.

The Chorus: WE'RE DRUNK

Street Urchins: WE'RE OBNOXIOUS

Vendors: GET SOME HOT COCOA, BITCHES

[Enter Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline. Schaunard makes a beeline for the music vendor.]

Schaunard: Hey, this trumpet is super out of tune. I'll take it!

The Audience: For the love of -- WHY DO YOU ALL SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO

Colline: I LOVE MY COAT

Anyone Who Cares About Colline: [does not appear in this scene]

[Enter Mimi and Rodolfo. Their psychotically codependent relationship has gotten exponentially worse since we saw them five minutes ago.]

Rodolfo: I love you!

Mimi: I love you more!

Rodolfo: No, I love you more!

Mimi: Well, I love you most.

The Audience: [vomits everywhere]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. ... Wanna fuck?

Prune Vendor: WHO WANTS PRUNES

Marcello: Y'all better get ready, 'cause I'm into some weird shit.

Prune Vendor: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU ASSHOLES BETTER BUY SOME GODDAMN PRUNES

Marcello: Anyone? Aaaaanyone? ... Bueller?

Colline: I ALSO LOVE BOOKS

Schaunard: Yeah, no one cares.

Marcello: Well, no one's agreed to have sex with me yet. Let's just get a table.

Mimi: Oh. My. God. Look at this adorable bonnet!

The Audience: Wow. That's... really pink. And frilly.

Rodolfo: Ohmigod it's perfect for you and it brings out your eyes sooooo well!

Mimi: I know, right?

The Audience: It looks like a unicorn vomited.

Mimi: Buy it for me!

Rodolfo: Anything for you, baby.

Mimi: That necklace is pretty cool too...

Rodolfo: BITCH DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY

The Chorus: OH BY THE WAY WE'RE STILL HERE

Rodolfo: WHO WERE YOU LOOKING AT JUST THEN

Mimi: Really? We've been dating for ten minutes and you're already jealous?

Rodolfo: It's only because I love you SO MUCH that I just want to lock you in my attic and keep you ALL TO MYSELF

Mimi: Awww, that's so romantic.

The Audience: [uncomfortable silence]

Schaunard: Waiter! Bring us ALL THE FOOD

Parpignol: I'M SUPER CREEPY AND I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS

[Rodolfo and Mimi finally join the others.]

Rodolfo: Oh hey, guys. This is Mimi and she's my soul mate! Our group kinda sucked before, but now that she's here EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME FOREVER

Marcello: Yeah, good luck with that.

Colline: Pretentious Latin saying!

Schaunard: Witty retort!

Colline: It wasn't actually that witty.

Schaunard: Eat a dick.

Parpignol: WHAT'S UP BITCHES I'M BACK

Colline: SOMEONE BRING ME SOME SALAMI

Street Urchins: AAAAAHHHH IT'S PARPIGNOL AAAHHHHHH

The Audience: Goddammit. We came to the opera to get away from our kids.

Mothers: CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN HE'S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PEDERAST

Parpignol: I also have some candy in my pocket, but you'll have to reach in there to get it.

Street Urchins: YAAAAAY CANDY

[And then he leads all the children away like the Pied Piper and for some reason no one onstage seems to have a problem with it.]

The Audience: Wait, what in the actual fuck just happened?

Puccini: It's a metaphor or something. Stop asking questions.

Marcello: Aaaaaand let's never speak of that again. So what did Rodolfo buy you, Mimi?

Mimi: It's this cute pink bonnet that I really wanted and he knew that I wanted it because we're in love and he can read my heart's deepest desires!

The Audience: Either that or you just told him you wanted one.

Mimi: SHUT UP I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER

Marcello: Whatever, dumbasses. Love is totally overrated.

Mimi: What crawled up his ass?

Rodolfo: He's just pissed 'cause his hot girlfriend left him for a geriatric sugar daddy.

Schaunard: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT

Colline: MORE BOOZE

Marcello: I solemnly swear that I will never think about Musetta again!

[Musetta's laugh is heard.]

Marcello: GodDAMN it.

The Audience: Well, that was predictable.

[Musetta enters, followed shortly thereafter by Alcindoro, the previously mentioned geriatric sugar daddy.]

The Chorus: OH HEY IT'S MUSETTA DAAAAAMN SHE LOOK FINE

Alcindoro: ... so tired ... my brittle old bones ...

Musetta: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, LULU

The Audience: ... did she just call him "Lulu?"

Musetta: Yuuuuuup.

The Audience: Why would you call him that?

Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT

The Audience: Ooooookay.

Alcindoro: Could you maybe not call me that in public?

Musetta: Excuse me, was I talking to you?

Alcindoro: ... no. Sorry.

Musetta: Sorry WHAT?

Alcindoro: Sorry, mistress.

Musetta: That's better. Now sit there and shut the fuck up while I order everything on the menu.

Alcindoro: Yes, mistress.

Mimi: Soooo is someone gonna tell me who that crazy bitch is?

Marcello: That's Musetta. She's pure evil and she mates with men and devours their hearts and also she has cooties and is a big stupid stupidhead.

Mimi: It's good to know you're handling the breakup so well.

Musetta: HEY MARCELLO OVER HERE LOOK AT ME

Marcello: [drinks a handle of vodka]

Musetta: MARCELLOOOOOOO

Marcello: [throws up]

Musetta: How to get his attention... HEY WAITER THIS PLATE SMELLS FUNNY

[She starts throwing dishes everywhere because she's insane.]

Colline: Wow, this is great food.

Schaunard: I know, right?

Musetta: COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU ASSHOLES

Alcindoro: Hey, mistress... do you think that maybe we could keep the volume and/or property damage to a minimum?

Musetta: Sounds like someone wants to spend another night in the cage.

Alcindoro: [whimpers]

Musetta: Good boy. Time for Plan B!

Alcindoro: What's Plan B?

Musetta: It's where I sing an aria to seduce my ex and then totally abandon you for him.

Alcindoro: Oh.

Musetta: Yeah, when I walk on by
Boys be lookin' like "Damn, she fly!
Something something something
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH
I'm sexy and I knooooow iiiiiiiit

Alcindoro: [weeps softly for his lost dignity]

Marcello: God help me I want to tap that ass so hard

Schaunard: Five bucks says Marcello gets back with Crazy-Face over there.

Colline: Meh. She's not my type.

Schaunard: What are you, gay?

Colline: As a matter of fact...

[Schaunard and Colline lock eyes. Time slows to a standstill, and then they start making out like WHOA.]

Musetta: It's still not working. Time for Plan C!

Alcindoro: I really don't want to know what that is, do I.

Musetta: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS SEARING PAIN IN MY FOOT

Alcindoro: Something tells me your foot doesn't actually hurt.

Musetta: IT MUST BE MY SHOE

Alcindoro: You know, you could just break up with me like a normal person.

Musetta: GO GET ME A DIFFERENT PAIR

Alcindoro: I think we should see other people. Mostly because you're a sociopath.

[Alcindoro leaves.]

Marcello: Maybe it's the foot fetish talking, but I am so hot for you right now.

Musetta: Shut up and put on this ball-gag, bitch.

Marcello: I thought you'd never ask.

[Schaunard and Colline come up for air long enough to notice that the waiter has delivered their bill.]

Schaunard: Well, fuck. This is super expensive.

Rodolfo: I barely ate anything. Can Mimi and I be on a separate check?

Colline: Oh, come on. Let's just split it evenly.

Rodolfo: I don't want to pay for your giant salami, you asshole. You wouldn't even share!

Schaunard: I've got your giant salami riiiiiiiight here.

Everyone: SHUT UP, SCHAUNARD

Schaunard: Fuck you guys. Oh, and can somebody spot me for dinner? All that cash I had in Act I has mysteriously disappeared.

Mimi: So, wait. Is the tip included, or should we leave something on the table?

Colline: I still don't understand why we can't just divide it five ways.

Rodolfo: Because you ate twice as much as everyone else!

Musetta: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS WE CAN JUST PUT YOUR FOOD ON ALCINDORO'S TAB

Marcello: That's my girl!

Musetta: Did I say you were allowed to talk?

The Chorus: OH HEY THERE'S A PARADE OR SOMETHING

Everyone: LOVE IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US AGAIN

The Audience: [facepalm]

[End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III