[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
Previous installments: Act I
Act II: Cafe Momus, the hang-out of choice for douchey Parisian hipsters. Still Christmas Eve.
The Chorus: WE'RE DRUNK
Street Urchins: WE'RE OBNOXIOUS
Vendors: GET SOME HOT COCOA, BITCHES
[Enter Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline. Schaunard makes a beeline for the music vendor.]
Schaunard: Hey, this trumpet is super out of tune. I'll take it!
The Audience: For the love of -- WHY DO YOU ALL SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO
Colline: I LOVE MY COAT
Anyone Who Cares About Colline: [does not appear in this scene]
[Enter Mimi and Rodolfo. Their psychotically codependent relationship has gotten exponentially worse since we saw them five minutes ago.]
Rodolfo: I love you!
Mimi: I love you more!
Rodolfo: No, I love you more!
Mimi: Well, I love you most.
The Audience: [vomits everywhere]
Marcello: Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. ... Wanna fuck?
Prune Vendor: WHO WANTS PRUNES
Marcello: Y'all better get ready, 'cause I'm into some weird shit.
Prune Vendor: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU ASSHOLES BETTER BUY SOME GODDAMN PRUNES
Marcello: Anyone? Aaaaanyone? ... Bueller?
Colline: I ALSO LOVE BOOKS
Schaunard: Yeah, no one cares.
Marcello: Well, no one's agreed to have sex with me yet. Let's just get a table.
Mimi: Oh. My. God. Look at this adorable bonnet!
The Audience: Wow. That's... really pink. And frilly.
Rodolfo: Ohmigod it's perfect for you and it brings out your eyes sooooo well!
Mimi: I know, right?
The Audience: It looks like a unicorn vomited.
Mimi: Buy it for me!
Rodolfo: Anything for you, baby.
Mimi: That necklace is pretty cool too...
Rodolfo: BITCH DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY
The Chorus: OH BY THE WAY WE'RE STILL HERE
Rodolfo: WHO WERE YOU LOOKING AT JUST THEN
Mimi: Really? We've been dating for ten minutes and you're already jealous?
Rodolfo: It's only because I love you SO MUCH that I just want to lock you in my attic and keep you ALL TO MYSELF
Mimi: Awww, that's so romantic.
The Audience: [uncomfortable silence]
Schaunard: Waiter! Bring us ALL THE FOOD
Parpignol: I'M SUPER CREEPY AND I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS
[Rodolfo and Mimi finally join the others.]
Rodolfo: Oh hey, guys. This is Mimi and she's my soul mate! Our group kinda sucked before, but now that she's here EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME FOREVER
Marcello: Yeah, good luck with that.
Colline: Pretentious Latin saying!
Schaunard: Witty retort!
Colline: It wasn't actually that witty.
Schaunard: Eat a dick.
Parpignol: WHAT'S UP BITCHES I'M BACK
Colline: SOMEONE BRING ME SOME SALAMI
Street Urchins: AAAAAHHHH IT'S PARPIGNOL AAAHHHHHH
The Audience: Goddammit. We came to the opera to get away from our kids.
Mothers: CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN HE'S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PEDERAST
Parpignol: I also have some candy in my pocket, but you'll have to reach in there to get it.
Street Urchins: YAAAAAY CANDY
[And then he leads all the children away like the Pied Piper and for some reason no one onstage seems to have a problem with it.]
The Audience: Wait, what in the actual fuck just happened?
Puccini: It's a metaphor or something. Stop asking questions.
Marcello: Aaaaaand let's never speak of that again. So what did Rodolfo buy you, Mimi?
Mimi: It's this cute pink bonnet that I really wanted and he knew that I wanted it because we're in love and he can read my heart's deepest desires!
The Audience: Either that or you just told him you wanted one.
Mimi: SHUT UP I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER
Marcello: Whatever, dumbasses. Love is totally overrated.
Mimi: What crawled up his ass?
Rodolfo: He's just pissed 'cause his hot girlfriend left him for a geriatric sugar daddy.
Schaunard: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Colline: MORE BOOZE
Marcello: I solemnly swear that I will never think about Musetta again!
[Musetta's laugh is heard.]
Marcello: GodDAMN it.
The Audience: Well, that was predictable.
[Musetta enters, followed shortly thereafter by Alcindoro, the previously mentioned geriatric sugar daddy.]
The Chorus: OH HEY IT'S MUSETTA DAAAAAMN SHE LOOK FINE
Alcindoro: ... so tired ... my brittle old bones ...
Musetta: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, LULU
The Audience: ... did she just call him "Lulu?"
The Audience: Why would you call him that?
Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT
The Audience: Ooooookay.
Alcindoro: Could you maybe not call me that in public?
Musetta: Excuse me, was I talking to you?
Alcindoro: ... no. Sorry.
Musetta: Sorry WHAT?
Alcindoro: Sorry, mistress.
Musetta: That's better. Now sit there and shut the fuck up while I order everything on the menu.
Alcindoro: Yes, mistress.
Mimi: Soooo is someone gonna tell me who that crazy bitch is?
Marcello: That's Musetta. She's pure evil and she mates with men and devours their hearts and also she has cooties and is a big stupid stupidhead.
Mimi: It's good to know you're handling the breakup so well.
Musetta: HEY MARCELLO OVER HERE LOOK AT ME
Marcello: [drinks a handle of vodka]
Marcello: [throws up]
Musetta: How to get his attention... HEY WAITER THIS PLATE SMELLS FUNNY
[She starts throwing dishes everywhere because she's insane.]
Colline: Wow, this is great food.
Schaunard: I know, right?
Musetta: COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU ASSHOLES
Alcindoro: Hey, mistress... do you think that maybe we could keep the volume and/or property damage to a minimum?
Musetta: Sounds like someone wants to spend another night in the cage.
Musetta: Good boy. Time for Plan B!
Alcindoro: What's Plan B?
Musetta: It's where I sing an aria to seduce my ex and then totally abandon you for him.
Musetta: Yeah, when I walk on by
Boys be lookin' like "Damn, she fly!
Something something something
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH
I'm sexy and I knooooow iiiiiiiit
Alcindoro: [weeps softly for his lost dignity]
Marcello: God help me I want to tap that ass so hard
Schaunard: Five bucks says Marcello gets back with Crazy-Face over there.
Colline: Meh. She's not my type.
Schaunard: What are you, gay?
Colline: As a matter of fact...
[Schaunard and Colline lock eyes. Time slows to a standstill, and then they start making out like WHOA.]
Musetta: It's still not working. Time for Plan C!
Alcindoro: I really don't want to know what that is, do I.
Musetta: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS SEARING PAIN IN MY FOOT
Alcindoro: Something tells me your foot doesn't actually hurt.
Musetta: IT MUST BE MY SHOE
Alcindoro: You know, you could just break up with me like a normal person.
Musetta: GO GET ME A DIFFERENT PAIR
Alcindoro: I think we should see other people. Mostly because you're a sociopath.
Marcello: Maybe it's the foot fetish talking, but I am so hot for you right now.
Musetta: Shut up and put on this ball-gag, bitch.
Marcello: I thought you'd never ask.
[Schaunard and Colline come up for air long enough to notice that the waiter has delivered their bill.]
Schaunard: Well, fuck. This is super expensive.
Rodolfo: I barely ate anything. Can Mimi and I be on a separate check?
Colline: Oh, come on. Let's just split it evenly.
Rodolfo: I don't want to pay for your giant salami, you asshole. You wouldn't even share!
Schaunard: I've got your giant salami riiiiiiiight here.
Everyone: SHUT UP, SCHAUNARD
Schaunard: Fuck you guys. Oh, and can somebody spot me for dinner? All that cash I had in Act I has mysteriously disappeared.
Mimi: So, wait. Is the tip included, or should we leave something on the table?
Colline: I still don't understand why we can't just divide it five ways.
Rodolfo: Because you ate twice as much as everyone else!
Musetta: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS WE CAN JUST PUT YOUR FOOD ON ALCINDORO'S TAB
Marcello: That's my girl!
Musetta: Did I say you were allowed to talk?
The Chorus: OH HEY THERE'S A PARADE OR SOMETHING
Everyone: LOVE IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US AGAIN
The Audience: [facepalm]
[End of Act II.]
Next installment: Act III