[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
Previous installments: Act I, Act II, Act III
Act IV: Back in the shitty apartment from Act I. It's spring now, but everything still looks drab as fuck.
Puccini: This act starts in mid-conversation! Isn't that cool?
The Audience: Yeah sure whatever.
Marcello: So you saw Musetta?
Rodolfo: Yuuup. She was in a carriage and looking foxy as hell.
Marcello: grumble grumble dirty whore
Rodolfo: So I was all like "Hey" and she was all like "Hey yourself" and then I was like "Marcello is still totally pining for you" and she was like "Wow, what a pussy."
Marcello: Thanks. Good to know you've got my back, douche.
Rodolfo: Any time!
Marcello: And speaking of being a little bitch about exes, I saw Mimi the other day!
Rodolfo: ... goddammit.
Marcello: Yeah, she's totally shacking up with some rich guy who's buying her a bunch of fancy shit and just generally treating her better than you could ever hope to. Soooooo you can eat a bag of dicks.
Rodolfo: Whatever; I'm totally over her.
Marcello: Sure you are.
Rodolfo: Just shut up and let me work.
Marcello: YOU shut up.
[Rodolfo goes back to his writing and Marcello goes back to his painting. To no one's surprise, they get absolutely nothing done.]
Both: WE'RE STILL TERRIBLE AT WHAT WE DO
The Audience: Yuuuuuup.
[Rodolfo takes out Mimi's pink bonnet and Marcello takes out Musetta's favorite pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Both men start stroking their respective keepsakes lovingly.]
The Audience: This is... slightly uncomfortable.
Rodolfo: Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Marcello: But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
Both: I GUESS THAT I DON'T NEED THAT THOUGH
NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW
The Audience: SING A BETTER SONG
[They pause and look at each other.]
Rodolfo: DO YOU BELIEEEEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE
Marcello: I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY --
Both: -- I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH
The Audience: Your gay is showing, boys.
Marcello: Fuck off.
Rodolfo: So is it just me, or are we starving to death again?
Marcello: Pretty much.
Rodolfo: Huh. Maybe one of us should get a job.
Marcello: Hey, now. Let's not start talking crazy.
[Enter Schaunard and Colline, carrying bread and also a pickled herring because why the fuck not.]
Schaunard: HEY GUYS WE'RE BACK
Rodolfo: What took you so long? Did you stop for a quickie on the way?
Schaunard: OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY GAY AND WE'RE NOT GAY AT ALL
Colline: [wiping off his mouth] Um, yeah. What he said.
Marcello: WOW THIS BREAD LOOKS LIKE A DELICIOUS CHANGE OF SUBJECT
Schaunard: THIS TRULY IS A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET
Rodolfo: WHO WANTS SOME SALMON
Marcello: TRY THE SAUTÉED BREAST OF PARROT
Puccini: See what I did there? It's funny because they're not actually eating all that stuff they say they are.
The Audience: Yeah, you're a genius. Shut up.
Colline: WHILE WE ARE ENGAGING IN JOCULAR HYPERBOLE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD MENTION THAT THE KING HAS HIRED ME TO BE HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR
The Audience: ... is this what they think humor is?
Schaunard: LET'S DRINK A TOAST
Everyone Else: Nnnnnnope.
Everyone Else: Shut up.
Schaunard: Fine. Anyone want to dance?
Everyone Else: OHMIGOD YES
Marcello: I'LL BE THE LADY
[Awkward silence. Everyone looks at Marcello.]
Marcello: I mean... only if no one else wants to.
[Everyone splits up into pairs. Rodolfo dances with Marcello and Schaunard dances with Colline because they're attached at the dick. Things go downhill pretty quickly.]
Colline: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DANCE
Schaunard: YOUR MOM DID
Marcello and Rodolfo: Ohhhhh snap.
Colline: DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MOM
Schaunard: I DO WHAT I WANT
Colline: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU
[And then they duel with kitchen implements because they're apparently eight years old.]
The Audience: You know, this is actually pretty enjoyable and not depressing at all!
[Musetta bursts in like a total fucking buzzkill.]
Musetta: HEY YOU GUYS MIMI IS TOTALLY DYING
The Audience: Goddammit.
Mimi: Oh hey, guys. Don't mind me; my lungs are just turning inside out.
Rodolfo: MIMI I MISSED YOU SO MUCH
Mimi: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TOO EVEN THOUGH MY CURRENT SUGAR DADDY DOESN'T VERBALLY ABUSE ME AND EXACERBATE MY LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS LIKE YOU DID
Musetta: She wanted to spend her last moments here. God only knows why; this place is a shit-hole.
Mimi: I have so many fond memories of this place! I feel better already!
[Mimi vomits blood all over the couch.]
Schaunard: NOT ON THE UPHOLSTERY
Colline: WE JUST HAD IT STEAM-CLEANED
Rodolfo: Would you assholes shut up and let me continue my epic grief-wank?
Schaunard and Colline: ... sorry.
Mimi: Jesus, it's cold in here.
The Audience: How do you not remember that? It's kind of an important plot point.
Mimi: I wish I had something to warm up my hands...
Rodolfo: GOD WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEEDY
Mimi: I'M DYING SO I THINK IT'S ALLOWED
Rodolfo: Fiiiiiine. We'll get you some mittens or something -- but we're hella broke, so Colline will probably have to sell his stupid coat.
Mimi: Oh -- hello, Marcello! And Schaunard and Colline are here too!
Marcello: BITCH WE'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU THIS WHOLE TIME
Mimi: You know, you and Musetta made a pretty cute couple. You two should get back together!
Marcello and Musetta: Hmmmmmmm...
The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR GENITALS
Marcello: I... have to go. Outside. To buy medicine.
Musetta: I also have to go, for a similarly selfless reason that in no way involves hot, incredibly dirty sex in the alley behind the building.
The Audience: We can only hope that the opera ends with the building catching fire and killing all of you assholes.
[Marcello and Musetta leave.]
Colline: I WILL NOW SELL MY BELOVED COAT
Schaunard: AND I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO DO
Colline: You should come with me! Let Mimi and Rodolfo get their bone on one last time.
Schaunard: Good call.
[They leave Rodolfo and Mimi alone.]
Mimi: Are they gone yet? I was pretending to be asleep because I can't stand those assholes.
Rodolfo: I thought you liked them!
Mimi: Yeah, and you also thought you routinely gave me multiple orgasms. What's your point?
Rodolfo: Wait, what?
Mimi: Nothing. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Rodolfo: I LOVE YOU TOO
Mimi: Do you still think I'm pretty?
Rodolfo: As pretty as a sunrise!
Mimi: Actually, considering the circumstances, "pretty as a sunset" might be more appropriate.
Rodolfo: BITCH I'M A POET I SAID SUNRISE AND I MEANT IT
Mimi: Oooookay. On a completely different note, do you remember when I said I had no idea why people called me Mimi?
Mimi: Well, I still have no idea. And now I'm gonna die, so we'll never know!
Rodolfo: Huh. Somehow that managed to be both depressing and completely pointless.
The Audience: I know, right?
Rodolfo: By the way, I kept your bonnet! I tenderly stroke it every day because it reminds me of you.
Mimi: That's... great. Hey, remember that time when we met and I dropped my key in your apartment and you found it right away but pretended you hadn't so you could keep me in your apartment?
Mimi: I only just realized how creepy that was. I guess I'm pretty lucky that you weren't a serial killer or something.
Rodolfo: Oh, I totally am. You just don't fit my usual victim profile.
The Audience: That explains SO MUCH
[Mimi coughs up one of her bronchial tubes.]
Rodolfo: OH NOOOO
[Schaunard rushes back in to see what's wrong, and then does absolutely nothing to help.]
Mimi: sputter hack drool
Rodolfo: Aaaaand that's what you get for talking too much.
[Marcello and Musetta return.]
Marcello: We went to the doctor; he's on his way.
Musetta: Also, here's a muff to warm your hands!
Mimi: [to Rodolfo] Awwww. You bought this for me?
Rodolfo: Uhhhhh... yes. Yes I did.
Musetta: Oh HELL naw. I sold my fucking earrings to buy that muff, and this asshole gets all the credit?
Marcello: Sure looks like it!
[Rodolfo cries like a little bitch and Mimi goes to sleep.]
Musetta: Dear Jesus -- if you let Mimi get better, then I promise I'll stop being such a dirty whore all the time. Thanks.
Schaunard: Ummm... she's totally dead, guys.
Musetta: Thanks for nothing, Jesus.
[Colline finally comes back, minus one coat.]
Colline: I have nothing useful to show for my trouble except a couple of coins!
Schaunard: Aaaand you're also too late. Bitch be dead.
The Audience: Well, that was pointless.
Rodolfo: Hey, why's everyone whispering and looking at me like that?
Marcello: Um... we're planning you a surprise birthday party?
Rodolfo: But my birthday isn't for another six months!
Marcello: Shit. Yeah, Mimi's totally dead.
The Audience: This is stupid and these people are all assholes. Are we supposed to care that --
The Orchestra: LARGO SOSTENUTO
The Audience: OH GOD SO MANY FEELINGS
[End of the opera.]