La bohème, Act IV

[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]

Previous installments: Act I, Act II, Act III

Act IV: Back in the shitty apartment from Act I. It's spring now, but everything still looks drab as fuck.

Puccini: This act starts in mid-conversation! Isn't that cool?

The Audience: Yeah sure whatever.

Marcello: So you saw Musetta?

Rodolfo: Yuuup. She was in a carriage and looking foxy as hell.

Marcello: grumble grumble dirty whore

Rodolfo: So I was all like "Hey" and she was all like "Hey yourself" and then I was like "Marcello is still totally pining for you" and she was like "Wow, what a pussy."

Marcello: Thanks. Good to know you've got my back, douche.

Rodolfo: Any time!

Marcello: And speaking of being a little bitch about exes, I saw Mimi the other day!

Rodolfo: ... goddammit.

Marcello: Yeah, she's totally shacking up with some rich guy who's buying her a bunch of fancy shit and just generally treating her better than you could ever hope to. Soooooo you can eat a bag of dicks.

Rodolfo: Whatever; I'm totally over her.

Marcello: Sure you are.

Rodolfo: Just shut up and let me work.

Marcello: YOU shut up.

[Rodolfo goes back to his writing and Marcello goes back to his painting. To no one's surprise, they get absolutely nothing done.]

Both: WE'RE STILL TERRIBLE AT WHAT WE DO

The Audience: Yuuuuuup.

[Rodolfo takes out Mimi's pink bonnet and Marcello takes out Musetta's favorite pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Both men start stroking their respective keepsakes lovingly.]

The Audience: This is... slightly uncomfortable.

Rodolfo: Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Marcello: But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

Both: I GUESS THAT I DON'T NEED THAT THOUGH
NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW

The Audience: SING A BETTER SONG

[They pause and look at each other.]

Rodolfo: DO YOU BELIEEEEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE

Marcello: I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY --

Both: -- I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH

The Audience: Your gay is showing, boys.

Marcello: Fuck off.

Rodolfo: So is it just me, or are we starving to death again?

Marcello: Pretty much.

Rodolfo: Huh. Maybe one of us should get a job.

Marcello: Hey, now. Let's not start talking crazy.

[Enter Schaunard and Colline, carrying bread and also a pickled herring because why the fuck not.]

Schaunard: HEY GUYS WE'RE BACK

Rodolfo: What took you so long? Did you stop for a quickie on the way?

Schaunard: OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY GAY AND WE'RE NOT GAY AT ALL

Colline: [wiping off his mouth] Um, yeah. What he said.

Marcello: WOW THIS BREAD LOOKS LIKE A DELICIOUS CHANGE OF SUBJECT

Schaunard: THIS TRULY IS A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET

Rodolfo: WHO WANTS SOME SALMON

Marcello: TRY THE SAUTÉED BREAST OF PARROT

Puccini: See what I did there? It's funny because they're not actually eating all that stuff they say they are.

The Audience: Yeah, you're a genius. Shut up.

Colline: WHILE WE ARE ENGAGING IN JOCULAR HYPERBOLE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD MENTION THAT THE KING HAS HIRED ME TO BE HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR

The Audience: ... is this what they think humor is?

Schaunard: LET'S DRINK A TOAST

Everyone Else: Nnnnnnope.

Schaunard: PLEEEEEASE

Everyone Else: Shut up.

Schaunard: Fine. Anyone want to dance?

Everyone Else: OHMIGOD YES

Marcello: I'LL BE THE LADY

[Awkward silence. Everyone looks at Marcello.]

Marcello: I mean... only if no one else wants to.

[Everyone splits up into pairs. Rodolfo dances with Marcello and Schaunard dances with Colline because they're attached at the dick. Things go downhill pretty quickly.]

Colline: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DANCE

Schaunard: YOUR MOM DID

Marcello and Rodolfo: Ohhhhh snap.

Colline: DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MOM

Schaunard: I DO WHAT I WANT

Colline: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU

[And then they duel with kitchen implements because they're apparently eight years old.]

The Audience: You know, this is actually pretty enjoyable and not depressing at all!

[Musetta bursts in like a total fucking buzzkill.]

Musetta: HEY YOU GUYS MIMI IS TOTALLY DYING

The Audience: Goddammit.

Mimi: Oh hey, guys. Don't mind me; my lungs are just turning inside out.

Rodolfo: MIMI I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

Mimi: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TOO EVEN THOUGH MY CURRENT SUGAR DADDY DOESN'T VERBALLY ABUSE ME AND EXACERBATE MY LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS LIKE YOU DID

Musetta: She wanted to spend her last moments here. God only knows why; this place is a shit-hole.

Mimi: I have so many fond memories of this place! I feel better already!

[Mimi vomits blood all over the couch.]

Schaunard: NOT ON THE UPHOLSTERY

Colline: WE JUST HAD IT STEAM-CLEANED

Rodolfo: Would you assholes shut up and let me continue my epic grief-wank?

Schaunard and Colline: ... sorry.

Mimi: Jesus, it's cold in here.

The Audience: How do you not remember that? It's kind of an important plot point.

Mimi: I wish I had something to warm up my hands...

Rodolfo: GOD WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEEDY

Mimi: I'M DYING SO I THINK IT'S ALLOWED

Rodolfo: Fiiiiiine. We'll get you some mittens or something -- but we're hella broke, so Colline will probably have to sell his stupid coat.

Colline: [whimpers]

Mimi: Oh -- hello, Marcello! And Schaunard and Colline are here too!

Marcello: BITCH WE'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU THIS WHOLE TIME

Mimi: You know, you and Musetta made a pretty cute couple. You two should get back together!

Marcello and Musetta: Hmmmmmmm...

The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR GENITALS

Marcello: I... have to go. Outside. To buy medicine.

Musetta: I also have to go, for a similarly selfless reason that in no way involves hot, incredibly dirty sex in the alley behind the building.

The Audience: We can only hope that the opera ends with the building catching fire and killing all of you assholes.

[Marcello and Musetta leave.]

Colline: I WILL NOW SELL MY BELOVED COAT

Schaunard: AND I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO DO

Colline: You should come with me! Let Mimi and Rodolfo get their bone on one last time.

Schaunard: Good call.

[They leave Rodolfo and Mimi alone.]

Mimi: Are they gone yet? I was pretending to be asleep because I can't stand those assholes.

Rodolfo: I thought you liked them!

Mimi: Yeah, and you also thought you routinely gave me multiple orgasms. What's your point?

Rodolfo: Wait, what?

Mimi: Nothing. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Rodolfo: I LOVE YOU TOO

Mimi: Do you still think I'm pretty?

Rodolfo: As pretty as a sunrise!

Mimi: Actually, considering the circumstances, "pretty as a sunset" might be more appropriate.

Rodolfo: BITCH I'M A POET I SAID SUNRISE AND I MEANT IT

Mimi: Oooookay. On a completely different note, do you remember when I said I had no idea why people called me Mimi?

Rodolfo: Yes?

Mimi: Well, I still have no idea. And now I'm gonna die, so we'll never know!

Rodolfo: Huh. Somehow that managed to be both depressing and completely pointless.

The Audience: I know, right?

Rodolfo: By the way, I kept your bonnet! I tenderly stroke it every day because it reminds me of you.

Mimi: That's... great. Hey, remember that time when we met and I dropped my key in your apartment and you found it right away but pretended you hadn't so you could keep me in your apartment?

Rodolfo: Yuuuup.

Mimi: I only just realized how creepy that was. I guess I'm pretty lucky that you weren't a serial killer or something.

Rodolfo: Oh, I totally am. You just don't fit my usual victim profile.

The Audience: That explains SO MUCH

[Mimi coughs up one of her bronchial tubes.]

Rodolfo: OH NOOOO

[Schaunard rushes back in to see what's wrong, and then does absolutely nothing to help.]

Mimi: sputter hack drool

Rodolfo: Aaaaand that's what you get for talking too much.

[Marcello and Musetta return.]

Marcello: We went to the doctor; he's on his way.

Musetta: Also, here's a muff to warm your hands!

Mimi: [to Rodolfo] Awwww. You bought this for me?

Rodolfo: Uhhhhh... yes. Yes I did.

Musetta: Oh HELL naw. I sold my fucking earrings to buy that muff, and this asshole gets all the credit?

Marcello: Sure looks like it!

[Rodolfo cries like a little bitch and Mimi goes to sleep.]

Musetta: Dear Jesus -- if you let Mimi get better, then I promise I'll stop being such a dirty whore all the time. Thanks.

Schaunard: Ummm... she's totally dead, guys.

Musetta: Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

[Colline finally comes back, minus one coat.]

Colline: I have nothing useful to show for my trouble except a couple of coins!

Schaunard: Aaaand you're also too late. Bitch be dead.

Colline: FUCK

The Audience: Well, that was pointless.

Rodolfo: Hey, why's everyone whispering and looking at me like that?

Marcello: Um... we're planning you a surprise birthday party?

Rodolfo: But my birthday isn't for another six months!

Marcello: Shit. Yeah, Mimi's totally dead.

The Audience: This is stupid and these people are all assholes. Are we supposed to care that --

The Orchestra: LARGO SOSTENUTO

Rodolfo: MIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The Audience: OH GOD SO MANY FEELINGS

[End of the opera.]