Turn of the Screw, Act II

[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]

Previous installment: Act I

Act II, Scene 1: Colloquy and Soliloquy

[Quint and Miss Jessel appear onstage. Since their presence and interaction when no one else is around would suggest pretty definitively that the ghosts are real and not a figment of The Governess' imagination, it's not uncommon for directors to have The Governess appear in the scene before her vocal entrance.]

The Director: Ambiguity!

The Audience: Goddammit.

The Director: Screw you guys; I do what I want.

Miss Jessel: Quiiiiiiiiiint

Quint: The fuck do you want?

Miss Jessel: Quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiint don't abandon meeeeeee

Quint: Whatever, bitch. Just leave me alone; I'm looking for a friend.

Miss Jessel: I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND

Quint: I'm looking for something more along the lines of a "friend with benefits."

Miss Jessel: I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND WITH BENEFITS

Quint: No offense, but you're not really my type. Vagina is pretty much my kryptonite.

Miss Jessel: But what about our affair?

Quint: I mean... we had our fun and all, but right now I'm more in the market for a discreet, nubile, prepubescent boy.

Britten: Who isn't?

The Audience: GROSS

Britten: Fuck off, haters.

Quint: "I seek a friend -- obedient to follow where I lead, slick as a juggler's mate to catch my thought; proud, curious, agile, he shall feed my mounting power."

The Audience: Wow. Subtlety isn't really your thing, is it.

Miss Jessel: But Quiiiiiint I loooooove youuuuuuu

Quint: Look. If you want to get some action, maybe you could try lezzing it up with Flora. She looks like she'd be into it.

Miss Jessel: ... you know what? I like the way you think.

Quint: So it's decided! We'll both corrupt the children with our seductive whisperings!

The Audience: Wait. Weren't both of you doing that already?

Miss Jessel: Well, yes, but --

The Audience: And furthermore, what exactly is the point of all this?

Quint: I don't understand the question.

The Audience: Like... are you trying to actually possess the children, or are you just trying to corrupt them because you have some sort of ghostly categorical imperative to be complete dicks?

Quint: Uhh....

Miss Jessel: You see, the thing is...

[Awkward silence.]

Britten: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AMBIGUOUS

Quint: Yeah. What he said.

The Audience: [exasperated sigh]

Quint and Miss Jessel: GHOST RAPE HIGH FIVE

[The lights come up on The Governess.]

The Governess: Sooooo I've basically just realized that I'm completely useless. And maybe I'm also going crazy? Stay tuned to find out!

Scene 2: The Bells

[The scene changes to a church next to a graveyard because everything in this opera has to be at least a little creepy. Miles and Flora enter, singing a hymn, and sit on a grave.]

Britten: SYMBOLISM

The Audience: Yeah, thanks for the heads-up.

Miles and Flora: PRAISE YE THE LORD, BITCHES

[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter.]

The Governess: WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SO CREEPY

Miles and Flora: Praise ye the Lord, cute fluffy animals!

Mrs. Grose: Um... they're just singing a hymn. Are you okay?

The Governess: Hell no, I'm not okay. There's something wrong with the children. They're being so... unnaturally good!

Mrs. Grose: So let me get this straight. You're complaining because they're not screaming and fighting and breaking the furniture?

The Governess: YES

Mrs. Grose: Yeah, you're fucking insane.

The Audience: I know, right?

The Governess: Just listen to them -- they're speaking horrors!

Miles and Flora: The Beast and his armies will rise from the pit to make war against God.

The Governess: THERE DID YOU HEAR THAT

Mrs. Grose: Hear what?

Miles and Flora: Praise ye the Lord, adorable chirpy songbirds!

The Governess: NO YOU LYING LITTLE BASTARDS

Mrs. Grose: Um.... yeah. I think you need to lie down. Maybe take a Xanax or something.

The Governess: I'm telling you, they're in the thrall of those fucking ectoplasmic pedophiles!

Mrs. Grose: Quint and Whatshername?

The Governess: EXACTLY

Mrs. Grose: Welllllllll if the only side-effect is that Miles and Flora start being unnaturally well-behaved, maybe it's not actually that much of a problem.

The Governess: NOOO THEIR SOULS ARE IN DANGER

Mrs. Grose: Okay, so maybe you should write to their uncle.

The Governess: I can't! Uncle Hotpants said that I wasn't to disturb him under any circumstances.

Mrs. Grose: ... Uncle Hotpants?

The Governess: SHUT UP I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN FOREVER

Mrs. Grose: Yeah, I can tell. If you want my opinion, you should just keep ignoring the problem and it'll go away!

Miles and Flora: PRAISE YE THE LOOOORD

[Mrs. Grose takes Flora into the church. Miles comes over to The Governess.]

Miles: Sooooo can I ever go back to school, or are you just gonna keep tutoring me at home forever?

The Governess: Why would you ever want to go back to school? Don't you loooove meeeeee?

The Audience: Wow. Bitch be clingy.

Miles: I want to be around other kids. Preferably ones who aren't related to me.

The Governess: If I let you go back to school, will there be any more noodle incidents?

Miles: Maaaybe. So are you going to tell my uncle about the ghosts?

The Governess: Wait, what?

Miles: Nothing. PRAISE YE THE LOOOOORD

[Miles goes into the church.]

The Governess: OH SHIT THE GHOSTS KNOW ABOUT MY PLAN I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

Scene 3: Miss Jessel

[Back in the schoolroom. The Governess enters to find Miss Jessel sitting at her desk.]

The Governess: JESUS FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

Miss Jessel: BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

The Governess: BITCH YOU'RE DEAD SO GTFO

Miss Jessel: I'M NEVER GONNA LEAVE AND ALSO I'M GONNA MOLEST FLORA

The Governess: NUH-UH THESE ARE MY CHILDREN AND THIS IS MY DESK SO YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF

Miss Jessel: ... 'kay.

[Miss Jessel disappears.]

The Governess: Well, I guess I can't actually abandon the children after all. Time to write to their uncle!

[She gets out some paper and a pen.]

The Governess: [writing] Dear Sir,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I'm just writing to see how you're doing and also to tell you that your niece and nephew are possessed by ghosts or some shit so maybe you should do something but I have no idea what.
Sincerely,
That Nameless Lady You Hired to Take Care of the Children.

[She seals the letter.]

The Governess: Soooo I think I'll just leave it here on the desk. What could go wrong?

Scene 4: The Bedroom

[Miles is sitting in his bedroom with his shoes off. The room is lit by a candle.]

Miles: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit...
COME IN, GOVERNESS

[The Governess enters.]

The Governess: Why aren't you asleep yet, Miles?

Miles: Good question. I'll answer with another one: why the hell are you creeping around my bedroom door in the middle of the night?

The Audience: Yeah, it's a little molest-y.

The Governess: I was just checking to make sure you children were all right and not wandering around the garden again.

Miles: Whatever. If you want a little somethin'-somethin', all you have to do is ask.

The Audience: ... ew.

Miles: Also, I'm going to call you "my dear" from now on and start acting sexually aggressive. Sound good?

The Governess: Huh. Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on right now?

The Audience: YES

The Governess: In any case, I've just written a letter to your uncle. It's just sitting out in the open on my desk, where I'm sure nothing will happen to it.

Miles: Duly noted.

The Governess: So, I just want to know... is there anything you want to tell me?

Miles: About what?

The Governess: Oh, I don't know... maybe about ghosts? Or pedophiles?

Quint: [offstage] MILES DON'T TELL HER SHIT

Miles: Nothing springs to mind.

The Governess: Maybe about what happened at school? Or what happened here before I arrived?

Quint: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT MILES SHE'S A FUCKING NARC

Miles: Nope. I'm good.

[The candle goes out.]

The Governess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO DID THAT

Miles: Calm your tits, bitch. I blew it out.

The Governess: Oh. Well, that was anticlimactic.

The Audience: I know, right?

Scene 5: Quint

[Quint appears.]

Quint: MILES SHE'S WRITTEN A LETTER TO YOUR UNCLE AND SHE'S GOING TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING AND RUIN ALL OUR FUN SO I THINK YOU SHOULD STEAL THE LETTER AND HIDE IT

Miles: Sounds reasonable.

[Miles creeps into the schoolroom and steals the letter from the desk.]

Scene 6: The Piano

The Audience: Wait, what happened to Scene 5? Was that it?

Britten: Yuuuuuup.

[Miles is playing the piano while The Governess and Mrs. Grose listen. Flora is sitting by herself and playing cat's cradle because neither of her caretakers give a shit about anything she does.]

The Governess: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL MILES

Mrs. Grose: PLAY IT AGAIN

The Governess: YOU'RE SO SMART AND HANDSOME

Flora: [holding up her strings] Look what I can do!

The Governess and Mrs. Grose: SHUT UP FLORA WE WEREN'T TALKING TO YOU

[The Governess takes Mrs. Grose aside.]

The Governess: [whispering] The eagle is in the nest. I repeat, the eagle is in the nest.

Mrs. Grose: I have no idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean.

The Governess: It means that I wrote a letter to the children's uncle, but I didn't want to say it out loud because GHOSTS

Mrs. Grose: You really need to get yourself some medication.

The Governess: Shut up. Just mail it for me, would you? It's on my desk in the schoolroom.

Mrs. Grose: Why don't you do it yourself?

The Governess: Don't be ridiculous. If I mailed it myself, I would have some sort of assurance that it was actually going to reach its intended destination!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Miles: What are you guys talking about?

The Governess: NOTHING AT ALL JUST KEEP PLAYING

Flora: WILL ONE OF YOU BITCHES PAY ATTENTION TO ME

Mrs. Grose: [sighing] Fiiiiiine.

[Mrs. Grose goes over and joins Flora.]

Mrs. Grose and Flora: WOOOO CAT'S CRADLE

Flora: Hey, Mrs. Grose -- could you do me a favor and look deep into my eyes for a second?

Mrs. Grose: I don't see why not.

Flora: You're getting very sleepy. I think you should take a nap.

Mrs. Grose: Sounds like a plan.

[Mrs. Grose falls asleep and Flora slips out of the room.]

The Audience: Okay, we know she's possessed and evil or whatever, but that hypnotism shit was actually pretty badass.

[The Governess looks around.]

The Governess: OH SHIT FLORA'S GONE

The Audience: Someone needs to tell her that she's a terrible governess.

The Governess: MRS. GROSE WAKE YOUR OLD ASS UP WE HAVE TO GO FIND FLORA

Mrs. Grose: So we're both going to look for the one child and just leave the other one alone at home?

The Governess: Fuck Miles; he's evil now. He was playing fancy shit on the piano to distract me while Flora left.

Mrs. Grose: I mean, we could take him along with us. That might be safer.

The Governess: NO

[Mrs. Grose and The Governess rush out. Miles smiles like the deranged little bastard he is and starts playing the Twilight Zone theme.]

Scene 7: Flora

[Back by the lake. Flora really fucking loves it out there, apparently.]

The Governess: [offstage] FLORA WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter and find Flora standing by the water.]

Mrs. Grose: There you are! We've been worried sick!

The Governess: I KNOW YOU'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THE GHOSTS YOU LITTLE BITCH

Mrs. Grose: ... some of us more so than others...

[Miss Jessel appears on the other side of the lake.]

The Governess: AAAHHH IT'S MISS JESSEL

Mrs. Grose: Where?

Miss Jessel: Flooooooraaaaaaaa

The Governess: DON'T YOU SEE HER SHE'S RIGHT THERE

Mrs. Grose: Um... there's no one else here.

The Governess: NO SHE'S TOTALLY HERE

Mrs. Grose: Oooookay. I think you need to have a nice long chat with some men in white coats.

The Governess: FLORA YOU SEE HER DON'T YOU

Miss Jessel: Nooooo Flooooraaaa don't say anythiiiiiiing

Flora: Nope. I can't see shit.

Mrs. Grose: It's okay, sweetheart; no one's there. The Governess is just going crazy and babbling about ghosts.

The Governess: BITCH YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME THERE WERE GHOSTS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Mrs. Grose: I have no idea what you're talking about.

The Governess: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

The Audience: Hey, maybe Mrs. Grose is working with the ghosts!

M. Night Shyamalan: Or maybe she's a ghost too! Maybe they've all been dead this whole time!

The Audience: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD IDEA IN YEARS

The Governess: Seriously, Flora. I know you can see Miss Jessel too, so STOP LYING

Flora: SOMEBODY GET THIS CRAZY WOMAN AWAY FROM ME

Mrs. Grose: Yeah, maybe it's time to take you home.

The Governess: TELL ME YOU CAN SEE MISS JESSEL

Flora: I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING AND ALSO I HATE YOU

[Mrs. Grose takes Flora away and Miss Jessel disappears.]

The Governess: Soooo Flora is clearly a lost cause and her soul is doomed to damnation, but I think I'm going to be more upset about the fact that she said she hates me!

The Audience: Yeah, you're a fucking nutcase.

Scene 8: Miles

[The Governess arrives back at the house to find Mrs. Grose and Flora in their traveling clothes.]

The Governess: Are you guys going somewhere?

Mrs. Grose: Yeah, I'm taking her the hell away from here. You were totally right, by the way. Ghosts. Possession. Evil.

The Governess: What changed your mind?

Mrs. Grose: Flora... said some things to me. Some horrible things.

The Governess: Like what?

[Mrs. Grose whispers something in The Governess' ear. The Governess promptly projectile vomits all over the stage.]

The Governess: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

Mrs. Grose: Yeah. I know.

The Governess: Take her to Uncle Hotpants! He should have received my letter by now, so he'll know what to do.

Mrs. Grose: First of all, you dumb bitch, it's been less than an hour since you told me to mail your letter, which is definitely not enough time for it to reach London. Second, I never sent the damn letter in the first place because it wasn't where you said it was.

The Governess: Son of a bitch. MIIIILES GET YOUR ASS IN HERE

Mrs. Grose: Okay, we're leaving. Have fun with your final confrontation or whatever.

[Mrs. Grose leaves with Flora.]

The Governess: Soooo I failed Flora, but maybe I can save Miles! One out of two isn't bad.

[Miles enters.]

Miles: Hey, baby. Looks like we're alone at last. Wanna bang?

The Governess: Miles, you know I love you --

The Audience: In a kinda oppressive, controlling way...

The Governess: -- but we're just friends. No banging.

Miles: How about makeouts?

The Governess: Nnnnnnope. So hey, did you steal my letter?

Quint: [offstage] DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING

Miles: Um...

[Quint appears.]

Quint: SHE'S TRICKSY AND WE HATES HER

The Governess: It's okay; you can tell me.

Miles: Yeah, I stole the letter.

Quint: GODDAMMIT MILES

The Governess: And why did you take it?

Miles: To see what sort of mean shit you said about us.

Quint: MILES YOU'RE MIIIIIIIINE

The Governess: Did someone tell you to take it? Someone like... a ghost?

Quint: NO NO NO

Miles: Maybe.

The Governess: Tell me his name! All you have to do is speak his name and he'll never bother you again!

The Audience: Really? That would have been useful information back in Act I.

The Governess: Shut up.

The Audience: Also, when exactly did you become an expert on how to exorcise ghosts?

The Governess: I SAID SHUT UP

Quint: MILES YOU LITTLE BASTARD IF YOU SNITCH ON ME I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU

The Governess: JUST SAY HIS NAAAAME

Miles: PEEETER QUIIIIIIIIINT

Quint: GODDAMMIT

[Quint disappears. Miles runs to The Governess and they hug.]

The Governess: Yaaaaaaaay now everything will be happy and wonderful forever!

[She looks down and notices that Miles is dead.]

The Governess: ... son of a BITCH.

The Audience: Wait, what? That makes no goddamn sense. Did she smother him or something?

Britten: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS

The Audience: No, but really. Why is he dead now?

Britten: Because fuck you, that's why.

[The Governess cradles Miles' lifeless body and starts crying.]

The Governess: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum faaaaciiiiiiit

The Audience: Jesus Christ.

Britten: The moral of the story is that homosexuals are dangerous and associating with them will lead to your death!

The Audience: But... weren't you gay?

Britten: SHUT UP

[End of the opera.]