Lucia di Lammermoor, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Enrico's chambers in the castle. An unspecified amount of time has passed. Enrico is sitting at a table, thinking really hard about how he can be more of an asshole to his last remaining family member. Enter Normanno.

Normanno: Lucia's on her way, sir.

Enrico: Good. Now all I have to do is convince her to marry Arturo Bucklaw, and the Ashton family will be in a position of power once again!

Normanno: Should be a piece of cake. How many weeks do you have before the wedding?

Enrico: It's tonight. The guests are already starting to arrive.

Normanno: Oh.

Enrico: Yeah.

Normanno: Well, it sounds like you're pretty much screwed.

Enrico: Shut up. We've got the forged letter saying Edgardo doesn't love Lucia anymore, right?

Normanno: Yeah, but –

Enrico: Then it'll be fine.

Normanno: You should probably give her some time to process this. Like... more than a few hours.

Enrico: Why should I bother? All she needs to do is sign a little piece of paper. And also let a complete stranger plow her like a plot of fertile land.

Normanno: Well, the shock of apparently being betrayed by her true love will be a lot to deal with, even before you take the "sex with a complete stranger" thing into account. She could have a nervous breakdown or something.

Enrico: She's a big girl; she can deal with it. Give me the letter and go find Arturo.

Normanno: Fine. Just don't blame me when she goes crazy.

Enrico: Deal.

[Normanno hands over the letter and exits. Lucia enters, looking frail and pallid.]

The Audience: Okay, either the strain of her separation from Edgardo is taking a really big toll, or she developed a heroin addiction between acts.

Me: Can't it be both?

Enrico: [attempting to be friendly] Heyyyyy, sis. How's it going?

Lucia: Fuck yourself.

Enrico: You should really be happier. It's your wedding day!

Lucia: Fuck yourself.

Enrico: Still in love with Edgardo, huh?

Lucia: YES YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME

Enrico: Actually, as your closest living male relative, I can pretty much make you do whatever I want –

Lucia: [growls]

The Women in the Audience: [also growl]

Enrico: – but it would be a lot easier for everyone involved if I didn't have to force you. Can you just get over that Ravenswood asshole and marry this complete stranger I've picked out for you?

Lucia: NO I SWORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO EDGARDO

Enrico: Not this bullshit again. Look, just read this letter and maybe you'll change your mind.

[He gives her the letter.]

Lucia: "My Dearest Lucia,
It is I, Edgardo. Sorry about not writing to you sooner – it's definitely not because your dashingly handsome brother has been intercepting my letters; it's just that I've been balls-deep in French pussy this whole time and I pretty much forgot you existed. The women here do things you would never even dream of, and it's made me realize that I don't love you anymore because you're a frigid bitch. You should probably marry whatever guy your brother wants you to, because he's an excellent judge of character.
Go to hell,
Edgardo
PS: In case you're wondering why my handwriting looks completely different than it ever has before, it's because my right hand is currently occupied with a charming Parisian prostitute by the name of Mademoiselle Pamplemousse and so I'm writing this letter with my left. Goodbye forever."

[Lucia starts crying.]

Enrico: I know it's pretty harsh, but he has some good points. Like how you should do whatever I tell you to.

Lucia: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER

Enrico: There, there... it's not your fault. Well, except for the part where you were ready to put your own selfish desires before the good of your family. That's all on you, champ.

Lucia: I CAN'T BELIEVE I SWORE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER

[Festive music starts playing the the background.]

Lucia: Wait... what's that?

Enrico: Oh, that's just your new husband arriving. So you're all set to get married now, right?

Lucia: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Enrico: I don't get what the problem is. Your boyfriend dumped you, so the perfect way to get revenge on him is by marrying someone else!

Lucia: I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

Enrico: Well, tough. I've made some questionable political decisions in the past couple years, and they're gonna come back and bite me in the ass if you don't get married to Arturo.

Lucia: NOOO

Enrico: IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS GUY I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING EXECUTED

The Audience: Jesus. What did he do?

Donizetti: Wait just a second; they're going to explain everything.

The Audience: Seriously?

Donizetti: Nope. I'm just gonna leave it to your imagination.

The Audience: We hate you.

Lucia: OH GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY

Enrico: IF I GET MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS I'M GOING TO COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE

Lucia: GOD HAVE MERCY ON ME

Enrico: SAY YES TO THE DRESS, LUCIA

Lucia: I WANT TO DIE

Enrico: DO IT

Lucia: NO

Enrico: DOOO IIIIT

Lucia: ... maybe.

[And then there's a scene change. The scene that follows is frequently cut, so here's the quick version:]

Raimondo: Hey, so I know you were worried that Enrico might have been intercepting your mail because he's an asshole, but I personally made sure that one of your letters was actually sent to France. Since we haven't heard anything back from Edgardo, the only possible conclusion is that he doesn't love you anymore.

Lucia: ... goddammit.

Raimondo: Also, I know that you don't want to marry a complete stranger, but it's for the good of your family so you should probably suck it up and do what your brother tells you to. It's a pretty big sacrifice, but God will be proud of you for taking one for the team and you'll be rewarded in Heaven.

Lucia: So you're saying that death is my best-case scenario?

Raimondo: More or less.

Lucia: ... sounds legit.

The Audience: YOU'RE THE WORST PRIEST EVER

[Another scene change! The chorus has gathered in the great hall of the castle for a super awesome wedding celebration.]

The Chorus: WE LOVE WEDDINGS

[Arturo enters and addresses Enrico.]

Arturo: Sooo your family has had its problems, but I'm going to use my considerable influence to make sure you stay wealthy and powerful!

Enrico: Yaaaaaaaay

Arturo: Assuming, of course, that your sister puts out.

Enrico: [muttering] That bitch better hold up her end of the bargain or I will pimp-slap her back to the Renaissance.

Arturo: What was that?

Enrico: Nothing. Here, have a drink! We're almost brothers now!

[They shotgun beers together and it's hella manly.]

The Chorus: WOOOOO

Arturo: Soooo not to sound impatient, but where the hell is my bride-to-be?

Enrico: Just getting ready. By the way, if it seems like she's utterly repulsed by you on a physical and/or emotional level, don't take it personally. She's just reeeally sad about her dead mother.

Arturo: Duly noted. Also, I've heard rumors that she's been seeing some asshole named Edgardo?

Enrico: Yeah, see, the thing about that is –

The Chorus: OH HEY HERE COMES LUCIA

Enrico: – never mind. Come meet your wife!

Arturo: Nice. I especially like the glint of impending madness in her eyes.

Enrico: I've always said it was one of her best features. Say hello to the nice man, Lucia!

Lucia: DO NOT WANT

Enrico: [whispering] bitch if you ruin this for me I will fucking kill you

Arturo: Props on having a hot sister, bro. I'm gonna tear that ass up.

Enrico: Yeah, she's a real peach. Now let's sign the contract and make this marriage legally binding before someone does something stupid!

Arturo: Sounds good to me!

Raimondo: Hold on, we've got to get the obligatory line out of the way first – if any man here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace!

The Audience: Oh man, so Edgardo's gonna come in and break up the wedding and it's gonna be super awesome, right?

Me: Not exactly.

The Chorus: [shuts up]

Raimondo: No, really. Does anyone want to object?

Crickets: chirp chirp

Raimondo: Huh. I was expecting some sort of dramatic entrance there.

The Audience: Seriously.

Enrico: CAN THEY SIGN THE CONTRACT NOW

Raimondo: Yeah sure whatever.

[Arturo signs.]

Lucia: Don't wannaaaaa

Enrico: Shut your whiny mouth and write your name on that parchment.

Lucia: Fiiiine.

[She signs the marriage contract.]

Enrico: WOOOO

Lucia: And now I think I'm gonna faint!

[There's a commotion outside.]

The Chorus: OH NO WHAT IS THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE

[Edgardo bursts in, ready to buckle some motherfucking swash and stop a wedding.]

Edgardo: 'TIS I, EDGARDO

The Chorus: OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO

The Audience: WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Edgardo: I object to this wedding!

Raimondo: It's a little late for that, man. I said the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing like... ten minutes ago.

The Audience: Seriously. It's like he has no sense of dramatic timing.

Edgardo: So she's already married?

Raimondo: Yuuuuuup.

Edgardo: Fuck.

[And then everyone stands in place and sings a sextet.]

Edgardo: BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE BUT I LOVE YOU ANWAY YOU STUPID WHORE

Enrico: OH SHIT IT'S MY ARCH-NEMESIS AND I SHOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BAD FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO MY SISTER

Lucia: DAMMIT I HAD HOPED THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH WOULD TAKE ME BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT BUT IT DIDN'T AND NOW I'M MARRIED TO SOME ASSHOLE

Raimondo: OH MAN THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD

Alisa: HEY LOOK AT ME I'M STILL A CHARACTER

Arturo: I JUST WANTED A NICE WEDDING AND NOW IT'S RUINED

The Chorus: POOOOOR LUCIAAAAA

Enrico: Oh, and by the way. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE YOU ASSHOLE

Arturo: YEAH

The Chorus: ALSO YEAH

Edgardo: IT WAS MY CASTLE FIRST

Enrico: FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH

[Everyone draws their swords.]

Edgardo's Backup: [does not appear in this opera]

Edgardo: So, wait. I'm alone against a castle full of armed men who want to murder me?

Donizetti: Yuuuuup.

The Audience: You really didn't think this through, did you.

Edgardo: Fuuuuuuuck.

The Audience: Yeah. This might be a good time to run the hell away, or maybe start being extremely polite.

[Edgardo draws his sword.]

Edgardo: OKAY KILL ME IF YOU CAN BUT I'MA TAKE SOME OF YOU BASTARDS WITH ME

The Audience: Wow. It's like he has a death wish or something.

Donizetti: Yeah, about that...

The Audience: Oh, well. At least things are getting interesting now!

Raimondo: EVERYBODY CALM YOUR TITS

The Audience: Goddammit.

Raimondo: Put your weapons away in the name of God! He who lives by the sword shall also die by the sword!

Edgardo: Do daggers count as swords?

Enrico: What about axes?

Arturo: Ooh! Or what about gangrene from a festering sword wound?

Raimondo: ... for fuck's sake. HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD OR SOME OTHER WEAPON WILL DIE FROM A WEAPON-RELATED INJURY OR RELATED MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS

Edgardo: Better.

Normanno: What about wild bulls? 'Cause that's apparently a thing in Scotland.

Raimondo: JUST SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING

Everyone: Fiiiiine.

[They all put their swords away.]

Enrico: So what the hell are you doing here, anyway?

Edgardo: I came here to claim Lucia as my wife! We swore sacred vows to each other!

Raimondo: Well, it's too late for that now. They signed the marriage contract and everything.

Wesley: You know, the marriage isn't really official until both parties say "I do!"

Enrico: Shut up, Wesley.

Wesley: ... as you wish.

[Edgardo reads the marriage contract.]

Edgardo: Son of a bitch. [to Lucia] Is this your signature?

Lucia: ... yes?

Edgardo: WHAT THE HELL LUCIA HOW COULD YOU

Lucia: Hey, remember that time when women were allowed to marry whomever they wanted and were treated like actual human beings instead of sentient pieces of property?

Edgardo: No?

Lucia: Yeah, me neither. SO FUCK OFF IT'S NOT REALLY MY FAULT

Edgardo: TAKE BACK YOUR STUPID RING I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE

Lucia: FINE

Edgardo: AND GIVE ME BACK MY RING TOO

Lucia: FINE

Edgardo: YOU'RE A DIRTY LYING BACKSTABBING WHORE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU

Everyone Else: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY AND STOP RUINING THE WEDDING

Edgardo: MAKE ME

Everyone Else: ... 'kay.

[They draw their swords.]

Edgardo: Fuuuuuuck.

The Audience: Hasn't this happened already?

Me: Yeah, pretty much.

Edgardo: I'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITH THIS BETRAYAL

Enrico and Arturo: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED

Edgardo: ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL JUST RUN THE HELL AWAY

[Edgardo exits, pursued by a bunch of sword-wielding Scotsmen. Lucia's delicate female mind chooses this precise moment to snap like a brittle twig.]

Lucia: ahblahblahblooble

Arturo: Awesome. Time to consummate the marriage!

[End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III  

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]