Lucia di Lammermoor, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: Later the same evening. Edgardo is brooding his way around his secret lair in Broodingswood Tower while a storm rages outside. Everyone always cuts this scene because the opera is long enough without more emo bullshit.

Edgardo: THE STORM SYMBOLIZES MY INNER ANGUISH

The Audience: Or maybe it just symbolizes atmospheric convection.

Edgardo: I have no idea what that means.

The Audience: Yeah, we can tell.

Edgardo: Anyway, Lucia's a bitch and I hope she goes crazy and murders her husband or something.

Donizetti: I thought I told you to stop reading ahead in the score.

Edgardo: OH NO I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING

The Audience: Oh nooooo

[Enrico enters.]

Enrico: IT IS I, ENRICO

Edgardo: What! How'd you find my secret lair?

Enrico: You're in a tower at night and there's a fire in the hearth. This place is practically a lighthouse right now.

Edgardo: Shit.

Enrico: Anyway, I came here to challenge you to a duel for your insult to my honor.

Edgardo: My insult? You're the one who killed my father!

Enrico: Well, you broke into my castle –

Edgardo: – which is supposed to be mine –

Enrico: – and called my sister a whore.

The Audience: But to be fair, you are pimping her out for power and influence.

Enrico: Shut up.

Edgardo: WELL YOU CAN'T CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL BECAUSE I CHALLENGE YOU FIRST

Enrico: NUH-UH

Edgardo: YUH-HUH

Enrico: ... dammit.

Edgardo: THE GHOST OF MY FATHER CRIES OUT FOR VENGEANCE

Enrico: AND LUCIA IS ALSO CRYING OUT BECAUSE ARTURO IS BANGING HER SENSELESS AS WE SPEAK

Edgardo: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Enrico: MAKE ME

Edgardo: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU

Enrico: BRING IT

Edgardo: NAME THE TIME AND PLACE

Enrico: TOMORROW MORNING AT YOUR DAD'S TOMB

Edgardo: FINE

Enrico: GOOD

Both: SOMETHING SOMETHING VENGEANCE

[Enrico exits. The scene shifts to the great hall of Ravenswood Castle, where everyone is getting drunk at the wedding reception.]

The Chorus: WOOO NOW THAT LUCIA'S MARRIED TO ARTURO NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO THE ASHTON FAMILY AGAAAIIIN

[Raimondo enters.]

Raimondo: HEY SOMETHING BAD JUST HAPPENED

The Chorus: GODDAMMIT

Raimondo: I know, right? I wish someone could have seen this coming.

The Audience: [sighs heavily]

The Chorus: So what the hell happened, anyway?

Raimondo: Well, I was walking past the honeymoon suite when I heard a man groaning and crying out –

The Chorus: Ew. Too much information.

Raimondo: Not in a sexy way. More in an "Oh god, I'm being horrifically murdered" kinda way.

The Chorus: Oh.

Raimondo: Sooo I rushed inside and saw Arturo lying in a puddle of his own blood, with fifteen stab wounds in his torso and his pants around his ankles.

The Chorus: Holy shit.

Raimondo: Yeah. Lucia was just sitting on the bed, clutching Arturo's dagger and making crazy eyes at me. And then she smiled and asked me where her husband was.

The Chorus: Jesus. Did you call the guards?

Raimondo: Nah, I thought the safest thing to do was to let this mentally unhinged murderess wander around the castle for a while. I'm sure she won't hurt anyone else.

The Chorus: [facepalm]

The Audience: Yeah, that wasn't your best decision.

Raimondo: I just hope that Lucia's penchant for inflicting stabbity death doesn't bring the wrath of heaven down on us!

The Audience: You should probably worry more about what the rest of Arturo's family is going to do when they find out he was murdered at his own wedding.

Raimondo: ... oh, fuck.

The Chorus: We're all screwed, aren't we.

The Audience: Yuuuuuuup.

[Lucia enters, covered in blood and looking crazy.]

The Chorus: Wow, she looks like shit.

Lucia: HEY EDGARDO I GOT RID OF THAT OTHER GUY SO NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER

[She starts wandering around, brandishing the bloody dagger.]

Lucia: Meet me by the fountain and we can hold hands and kiss and HOLY SHIT CAN YOU SEE THAT GHOST but oh man we should get married now!

Raimondo: Okay, this is a little awkward. Maybe it would have been better to call the guards.

The Audience: Nice of you to notice.

Lucia: I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
JUST HEAR THEM CHIMING
I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
MY TEMPERATURE'S CLIMBING
I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY
'CAUSE I FINALLY FOUND THE BOY I'VE BEEN MISSIN'
LISTEN
I CAN HEAR THE BEEEELLLLLLS

My Blog Readers: ... Hairspray? Really?

Me: Don't judge me.

The Chorus: TAKE PITY ON HER, O LORD

The Audience: Um... bitch just murdered her husband. Jesus probably isn't too happy with her right now.

Jesus: Meh. I'll give her a pass because she's crazy.

Lucia: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AWESOME FOR US FROM NOW ON

[Enrico enters.]

Enrico: HOLY SHIT DID MY SISTER REALLY MURDER ARTURO

Raimondo: Yuuuup.

Enrico: FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL WHORE

The Audience: Yeah, That about sums it up.

Enrico: YOU CRAZY BITCH THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Raimondo: You know, if you think about it, this is actually your fault.

Enrico: Um... was I the one who stabbed Arturo to death?

Raimondo: No, but –

Enrico: THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FAULT

Raimondo: – you were such a dick to her that she went crazy?

Enrico: You're so full of shit.

[Enrico sees Lucia.]

Lucia: babble babble oogaboogaboo

Enrico: OH GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT

Lucia: EDGARDO I'M SORRY FOR SIGNING THAT MARRIAGE CONTRACT BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS A HUGE DOUCHEBAG

The Chorus: It's true; he really is.

Lucia: DON'T RUN FROM ME EDGARDO I LOVE YOUUUUU

Everyone: MAY THE ALMIGHTY HAVE PITY ON THIS POOR INNOCENT CREATURE

The Audience: Uh... has everyone forgotten that she straight-up murdered a guy ten minutes ago?

Everyone: YUUUUUP

Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME

Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD

Donizetti: You know, I really liked those last four pages. Let's do them all over again!

Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME

Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD

Donizetti: Perfect.

[Lucia sings a high note and collapses into Alisa's arms.]

Alisa: Remember me? I'm a character!

The Audience: Yeah, whatever.

[The scene changes once again. Edgardo is waiting in the graveyard for his duel to the death with Enrico, and still being a whiny son of a bitch.]

Edgardo: Hey, spirits of my ancestors – I know I'm about to fight a duel to avenge our family's besmirched honor, but I think I'm actually just going to impale myself on Enrico's sword because my life is completely worthless without Lucia to keep me happy.

The Spirits of Edgardo's Ancestors: You're the worst descendant ever.

The Audience: Seriously. What a pussy.

Edgardo: I bet everyone's still up celebrating and she's busy getting plowed by that asshole Arturo. WELL FINE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE

The Audience: You never learned about dramatic irony in English class, did you.

Edgardo: No... why do you ask?

The Audience: No reason.

Edgardo: Whatever. SOON I WILL JOIN MY DEAD ANCESTORS AND NO ONE WILL BE AROUND TO MOURN ME

The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY

Edgardo: POOR MEEEE

[The Male Chorus enters, looking sad.]

The Male Chorus: WOE IS US

Edgardo: What the fuck do you assholes have to be sad about?

The Male Chorus: THAT POOR GIRL

Edgardo: Which poor girl? What are you talking about?

The Male Chorus: LUCIA IS DYING BECAUSE REASONS

Edgardo: Oh no! Is she sick? Or possibly wounded by a wild bull?

The Male Chorus: NAH SHE JUST WENT CRAZY AND STABBED HER HUSBAND

Edgardo: Oh. So she's dying because...

The Male Chorus: GOING CRAZY IS APPARENTLY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR HEALTH

Edgardo: I'll just take your word for it.

The Male Chorus: SHE WAS JUST SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT SHE COULDN'T MARRY ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT BRUTALLY MURDERING HIM

Edgardo: Aw, that's kinda sweet.

[A bell begins to ring.]

The Male Chorus: HER DEATH BELL IS RINGING

Edgardo: Oh nooooo I have to see her one last time before I die!

[Edgardo attempts to exit, but is stopped by Raimondo.]

Raimondo: Don't bother; she's already dead.

Edgardo: GODDAMMIT

Raimondo: But I'm pretty sure she's in heaven now, so it's okay.

Jesus: We're now admitting murderers! COME ON IN

Edgardo: OH MY BEAUTIFUL LUCIA WE WERE PARTED ON EARTH BUT WE WILL BE REJOINED IN HEAVEN

[He draws his dagger.]

Raimondo and the Chorus: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Edgardo: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE

The Male Chorus: Don't kill yourself! Suicide is a sin!

Jesus: And for a limited time only, we're also accepting suicides into heaven!

Edgardo: WOOOO

[He stabs himself.]

The Male Chorus: OH NOOOO

Jesus: Just kidding. You're probably gonna go to hell.

Edgardo: Son of a BITCH.

[He dies. End of the opera.]

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]