Die Zauberflöte, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A grove outside the temple. Sarastro, the Speaker, and a bunch of priests enter, and Sarastro delivers some expository dialogue with his characteristic gravitas – which is to say that it's very regal and very enlightened and also entirely devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

Sarastro: Blah blah Tamino blah blah prince blah blah seeking wisdom so we should probably let him join our little club.

The Speaker: But only if he can pass our deadly trials, right?

Sarastro: He damn well better. The whole reason I kidnapped Pamina in the first place was so she could get married to Tamino, who will take over as high priest once I pass away. If he screws up the trials, it kinda throws a monkey wrench into my plans.

First Priest: Sooo basically you're planning to marry a girl you kidnapped – and over whom you have no legal authority – to a guy you've just met.

Sarastro: Yuuup.

The Speaker: And you're also planning to make this guy, whom – to reiterate – you've never met before in your life, the head of our sacred order. Instead of, you know... someone who's actually a member already.

Sarastro: When you put it that way, it sounds irresponsible.

The Speaker: Little bit.

Second Priest: And where does the bird-man fit into your plan, anyway?

Sarastro: Oh, he doesn't.

Second Priest: So why are we making him go through the trials too?

Sarastro: … for the hell of it?

The Audience: Wow, this guy's kind of a dick.

Sarastro: Let us now pray to Isis and Osiris!

The Audience: Yeah, because praying to the Egyptian god of the underworld is the most optimistic thing you can do right now.

Sarastro: Great gods, grant Tamino and Papageno wisdom and patience and stuff!

The Chorus: GRANT THEM WISDOM AND PATIENCE AND STUUUUFF

Sarastro: Also, there's a distinct possibility that both of them will die during these trials – but it's okay because then they'll get to experience the joys of the afterlife!

The Chorus: WOOOO JOYS OF THE AFTERLIFE

The Audience: Okay, this is starting to get creepy.

Me: Yeah, Sarastro's band of sun-worshipers is pretty much just a glorified cult.

The Audience: How bad are we talking? Jonestown? Waco?

Me: They're less crazy militaristic and more obsessed with secret knowledge, sooo the closest parallel would probably be Scientology. Just picture Tamino and Pamina as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

The Audience: Holy shit. Everything makes sense now.

Me: You're welcome.

[Sarastro exits with the chorus. The Speaker and two priests lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: So, Tamino – are you willing to risk death to achieve enlightenment?

Tamino: Totally! I'm all about seeking wisdom, despite the fact that I've been nothing but a useless jackass this entire time and I've been thinking with my penis instead of with my brain.

First Priest: Awesome. What about bird-man?

Papageno: Hell no. Fuck this noise; I'm outta here.

Second Priest: But wait – there's more! If you undergo our trials in the next twenty minutes, we'll throw in a hot piece of barely-legal ass for free!

Papageno: DID SOMEONE SAY KNOWLEDGE I LOVE KNOWLEDGE

First Priest: So you'll do it?

Papageno: Maaaaybe. How hot is this girl, anyway? 'Cause I won't risk life and limb for anything under an eight.

Second Priest: Welllll she looks exactly like you, so...

Papageno: Wow. A perfect ten.

Tamino: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Papageno: What's her name, anyway?

Second Priest: Papagena.

Papageno: ... I'm so aroused right now it's not even funny.

Tamino: Aaaand I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that. So what happens now?

The Speaker: Your trials will consist of shutting the fuck up. We're imposing a vow of silence on you both, starting right now.

The Audience: Sooo wait. You want your two main characters to start being silent in the middle of the opera?

John Cage: I fail to see the problem.

Mozart: Shut up.

John Cage: Gladly!

The Speaker: On second thought, it might be a better idea to just forbid you from talking to women.

Tamino: Because they're evil bitches?

The Speaker: Exactly. You learn quickly!

First and Second Priests: WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED SO DON'T TALK TO THEM OR THE GODS WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

Tamino: … 'kay.

[The Speaker and the priests leave. Without the radiance of their Manly Wisdom™, night falls immediately.]

Papageno: DAMMIT WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS

[The Three Ladies enter.]

First Lady: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE

Second Lady: DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT SARASTRO WAS BAD NEWS

Third Lady: YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED NOW

Papageno: noooooooooo

Tamino: Shut up. Vow of silence, remember?

Papageno: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Tamino: Just be strong and keep repeating what the Priests told you.

Papageno: [sighing] “Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.”

Tamino: That's the spirit!

Men in the Audience: Man, this opera is hilarious.

Women in the Audience: Ahahahaha yeah it's great and also you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

First Lady: THE QUEEN IS COMING AND SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY

Papageno: Uh oh.

Second Lady: AND ALSO THE PRIESTS ARE TOTALLY EVIL

Papageno: Yeah, that's not good.

Third Lady: AND ANYONE WHO JOINS THE PRIESTS IS DRAGGED TO HELL

Papageno: OH GOD NO

The Audience: Soooo Papageno is talking to the Ladies. Is he gonna die now, or what?

Mozart: Nah.

The Audience: So what was the point of all those warnings?

Mozart: The warnings created the illusion that any of this actually matters and that Sarastro's order is more than just a kids' clubhouse with a “No Girls Allowed” sign on the door.

The Audience: Le sigh.

Papageno: Hey, Tamino, these chicks are really freaking me out with all their talk of damnation and stuff.

Tamino: Just calm your tits.

Papageno: But the Queen says –

Tamino: What the Queen says doesn't matter because she has the feeble mind of a female. Now sit down and shut up.

Papageno: grumble grumble

First Lady: Tamiiinooooo why are you being so meeeeeaaaan

Second Lady: Just taaaalk to uuuuuussssssss

[Tamino, having apparently grown a pair during the intermission, refuses to reply.]

Third Lady: Papageeeeeeeenoooooooo

Papageno: I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.

Tamino: That still counts as talking.

Papageno: But –

Tamino: Shhh!

Papageno: Fiiine.

[Papageno folds his arms and pouts.]

First Lady: Well, shit. They won't talk to us now.

Second Lady: This is boring. Let's just get out of here.

Tamino and Papageno: WOOO WE WIN

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Offstage Chorus: WE HEAR THE SOUND OF EVIL WOMEN

The Three Ladies: OH SHIT

Papageno: OH SHIIIIIIT

[The Three Ladies flee and Papageno faints. The Speaker and Second Priest enter.]

The Speaker: Great job, Tamino! Keep it up and you'll be a member of the cult in no time.

Tamino: Yaaaaaay

Second Priest: And Papageno... you suck. Really.

Papageno: Shut up. I'm only doing this so I can finally get laid.

[They leave to begin the next stage of their trials. The scene changes to a garden. Pamina is asleep on a chaise, and Monostatos enters with sore feet and blue balls.]

Monostatos: I FEEL YOU CREEPIN' I CAN SEE IT FROM MY SHADOW
WANNA JUMP UP IN MY LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO
MAYBE GO TO MY PLACE AND JUST KICK IT LIKE TAE BO
THEN POSSIBLY BEND YOU OVER
LOOK BACK AND WATCH ME SMACK THAT
ALL ON THE FLOOR –

The Audience: Gross.

Monostatos: Seriously, though. I'm gonna hit that, one way or another.

The Audience: I don't think you're her type.

Monostatos: Look at her! She's totally asking for it.

The Audience: She's asleep.

Monostatos: Exactly. If she were awake, she'd probably say no.

The Audience: Can't imagine why.

Monostatos: Hey, it's not my fault people don't want to get with me! It's 'cause I'm black!

The Audience: No, it's because you're CREEPY AS FUCK.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Monostatos: OH SHIT

[He hides. Pamina wakes up just in time to see the Queen of the Night enter, wielding a dagger.]

Queen of the Night: WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STUPID PRINCE I SENT TO RESCUE YOU

Pamina: Tamino? Oh, he's undergoing some trials to join the priests or something.

Queen of the Night: YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME

Pamina: Nope. Sorry.

Queen of the Night: Well, it looks like the balance of power is totally fucked now.

Pamina: How so? Aren't you crazy powerful and stuff?

Queen of the Night: My magic powers have gone to shit since your dad died. A woman is nothing without a man at her side, remember?

Pamina: Right. Sorry. So what's the deal with that dagger?

Queen of the Night: Oh, this old thing? It's just the dagger you're going to use to murder Sarastro and steal the magic sun-circle from his chest.

Pamina: What?

Queen of the Night: You heard me. Go shank the old bastard and bring me his necklace.

Pamina: Why don't you just do it yourself? You're the one who hates him, and you can clearly get in and out of the temple with no problem.

Queen of the Night: No, it has to be you. I'd explain, but it's all wibbly-wobbly and... magicky-wagicky.

Pamina: No.

Queen of the Night: Young lady, you should know better than to talk back to your mother when the vengeance of Hell is burning in her heart.

Pamina: But I don't wanna kill Sarastro!

Queen of the Night: PAMINA MARIE OF THE NIGHT IF YOU DO NOT USE THIS KNIFE TO KILL SARASTRO THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER

Pamina: GOD MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

[The Queen forces Pamina to take the dagger and promptly swoops out in proper diva fashion. Monostatos emerges from his hiding place.]

Pamina: Oh, Christ. Not you again.

Monostatos: Sooo I've got an idea. How about you have sex with me, and maybe I won't tell Sarastro that you're planning to murder him?

Pamina: Not gonna happen.

[He takes the dagger from her.]

Monostatos: Come on, baby. You know what they say; once you go black, you don't go –

The Audience: DON'T SAY IT

Monostatos: – to prison for conspiracy to commit murder.

The Audience: Whew.

Pamina: I would literally rather die than have sex with you.

Monostatos: Funny you should mention that.

[He tries to stab her, but Sarastro appears at the last minute and stops him.]

Monostatos: Oh. Hi. This really isn't what it looks like, you know.

Sarastro: Bullshit. Your soul is as black as your face.

The Audience: Uh... did he actually just say that?

Me: Yuuuup.

Sarastro: GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I WRECK YOUR SHIT

[Monostatos runs away, swearing vengeance.]

Pamina: Sooo my mom asked me to murder you.

Sarastro: Yeah, she's kind of a bitch. Are you gonna do it?

Pamina: Probably not.

Sarastro: Good. My order is hella peaceful, so violence and revenge have no place inside this holy temple.

The Audience: Um... didn't you have your underlings whip the shit out of Monostatos' feet at the end of Act I?

Sarastro: Technically, that occurred outside the temple. So I'm pretty sure that was okay.

The Audience: You're just all kinds of fucked up.

Sarastro: SOMETHING SOMETHING BROTHERLY LOOOOOVE

[The scene changes again. The Speaker and the Second Priest lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: Just remember – shut the hell up.

Second Priest: If you break your silence, the gods will punish you with thunder and lightning.

The Audience: Just some bad weather? Didn't they say before that the punishment would be death? Or something similar?

Mozart: That was like... two whole scenes ago. Let it go already.

[The Speaker and the Second Priest exit.]

Papageno: This sucks.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: You suck too.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Tamino: You're the worst companion ever.

Papageno: Tamiiinoooooooo I'm thirstyyyyyyyy

[A wrinkled old crone appears, carrying a goblet of water.]

Old Woman: Hey, baby. Come here often?

Papageno: Not if I can help it. Is that cup for me?

[She nods. He takes a drink of the water.]

Papageno: Dammit. I was hoping this was whiskey or something.

The Audience: Yeah, we could really use some Jack right now.

[Papageno and the Old Woman sit down.]

Papageno: Soooo you're pretty much the wrinkliest thing I've ever seen. How old are you, anyway?

Old Woman: Eighteen.

Papageno: You're so full of shit.

Old Woman: You know, you look an awful lot like my boyfriend. He wears lots of feathers –

Papageno: I don't like where this is going.

Old Woman: – and his name is Papageno –

Papageno: Starting to border on creepy.

Old Woman: – and he's sitting right next to me!

[She grabs his ass.]

Papageno: Aaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth.

[There's a clap of thunder. The Old Woman hobbles off, and the Three Spirits enter with a tray of food and the enchanted instruments.]

First Spirit: Hey, remember us from Act I? We get to do stuff now!

The Audience: Whatever. Do you guys want a medal or something?

First Spirit: SHUT UP WE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT

Second Spirit: Keep up the good work, Tamino! You've almost achieved enlightenment!

Tamino: Yaaaaay

Papageno: What about me?

Third Spirit: Just try to shut up for once.

Papageno: You know what? Fuck you guys.

[The Three Spirits leave. Papageno starts stuffing his face, but Tamino starts playing his flute instead.]

Papageno: You sure you don't want any of this?

Tamino: toot toot tootle

Papageno: Suit yourself.

[Papageno unhinges his jaw like a fucking burmese python and swallows an entire roast chicken.]

The Audience: That was horrifying.

[Pamina runs onstage.]

Pamina: My beautiful prince! I followed the sound of your flute!

Tamino: …

Pamina: Want to make out?

Tamino: …

Pamina: Why aren't you talking to me?

Tamino: …

Pamina: DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE

Tamino: …

Pamina: PAPAGENO WHAT'S GOING ON

Papageno: om nom nom nom

The Audience: Oh, for the love of god. You'll talk when the penalty is death, but now you decide to start following the rules?

Pamina: TAMINO YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART AND IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND IMPULSIVE

Tamino: …

Pamina: MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE SUICIDE

Tamino: …

Pamina: FINE THEN

[She leaves in tears. Tamino mopes.]

Papageno: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this vow of silence!

The Audience: You're an asshole.

[Trumpets sound, indicating that Tamino and Papageno should move on to the next section of their trials. Tamino, being dutiful and honorable and crap, leaves when he hears the trumpets. Papageno, on the other hand... ]

Papageno: Oh man, this food is so fucking good. A pride of ravenous lions couldn't drag me away from this feast!

Sarastro: Challenge accepted.

[Some magical lions appear.]

Papageno: oh shit I gotta lay off those 'shrooms

[Papageno runs offstage. The scene changes to a hall in the temple. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR TAMINO TO JOIN OUR CULT

[Tamino is led in by a priest.]

Sarastro: Excellent work so far, Tamino. You just have to beat the water temple and the fire temple, and then you can win the hand of the princess.

The Audience: … when exactly did this opera turn into a Zelda game?

The Three Spirits: Hey! Listen!

The Audience: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Sarastro: Anyway, it's time for you to say goodbye to Pamina. You know, just in case you drown or burn to death.

[Pamina is brought in, blindfolded.]

Tamino: Soooo you forbade me from speaking to her before, but now we can talk as long as we're only saying goodbye?

Sarastro: Pretty much.

Tamino: Dude... cockblock.

Pamina: TAMIIINOOOO HOLD ME

Tamino: On second thought, I'm cool with not seeing her again.

Sarastro: I know, right?

Pamina: DON'T GO

Tamino: BUT I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE REASONS

Pamina: I HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE

Sarastro: He'll be fine. Maybe.

Pamina: THAT'S NOT VERY REASSURING

Tamino: Stop being so damn clingy, woman. Don't you have a mournful aria to sing or something?

Sarastro: That's my boy. [to Pamina] It's time for Tamino to go face his destiny!

Pamina: NOOOOO

Tamino: It's okay; I'll see you after I defeat Ganondorf!

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU

Tamino: I'LL MISS YOU TOO

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU MORE

Sarastro: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE ALREADY

[Pamina is led away, crying womanly tears and generally making a scene. Tamino, Sarastro, and the chorus leave to prepare for the final trials. Papageno enters, having once again gotten himself completely lost.]

Papageno: TAMIIINOOOO WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE

[The Speaker enters.]

The Speaker: Okay, bird-man, here's the deal. You're completely and utterly pathetic and you deserve to wander in the darkness forever –

Papageno: [whimpers]

The Speaker: – buuut the gods have taken pity on you for some reason.

Papageno: WOOHOO

The Speaker: The gods will allow you one wish. Ask, and it shall be granted.

Papageno: Anything in the world?

The Speaker: Anything.

Papageno: In that case, I could really go for a glass of wine.

The Speaker: … really? That's your one desire? Not the pretty little wife you've been looking for this whole opera, or even a map so your dumb ass can find a way out of here?

Papageno: I stand by my rash decision!

The Speaker: You're going to regret this later, you know.

Papageno: [shrugging] Meh.

[The Speaker exits and glass of wine appears. Papageno takes a sip.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT THIS WINE IS SO GOOD

[He drains the rest of the cup.]

Papageno: But you know what would be even better than a glass of wine? That pretty little wife I've been looking for the whole opera!

The Audience: YOU'RE A MORON

[Papageno quickly turns into a weepy drunk.]

Papageno: OH MAN I'M GONNA DIE ALONE

[The Old Woman enters.]

Old Woman: You know, you don't have to die alone.

Papageno: I don't?

Old Woman: You can marry me! I'll be the best wife ever!

Papageno: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Old Woman: Why not?

Papageno: Look at you! You're about a million years old and your lady-bits are probably drier than Oscar Wilde's sense of humor.

The Audience: Ouch.

Old Woman: Well, think of it this way – if you don't agree to marry me, you'll be stuck here forever. No friends, no sex, and nothing to eat and drink but bread and water.

Papageno: … when they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I don't think they mean it like this.

Old Woman: Time's running out, sweetcheeks.

Papageno: Ugh. If I marry you, you have to agree to never call me that again. Deal?

Old Woman: Deal.

Papageno: Fiiine. I promise to marry you and be completely faithful to you, at least until someone hotter comes along.

[Suddenly, the Old Woman turns into a hot, feathery eighteen-year-old.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE PAPAGENA

Papagena: Yuuuuuup.

[Papageno attempts to mount her then and there, but the Speaker appears and intervenes.]

The Speaker: Sorry, but you have to be at least this enlightened to ride the bird-lady.

Papageno: DAMMIT

The Audience: So, wait. Papagena looks and acts just like Papageno and even has a similar name?

Mozart: Pretty much.

The Audience: And yet Papageno never even considers the possibility that she could be his long-lost sister or something like that?

Mozart: Apparently not.

The Audience: Gross.

[The scene changes again. The Three Spirits enter, singing about the glory of the dawning day.]

The Three Spirits: IT SYMBOLIZES THE TRIUMPH OF WISDOM OVER SUPERSTITION

The Audience: Yeah, we got that. Thanks.

First Spirit: But wait! I see Pamina approaching!

Second Spirit: She looks crazy and suicidal!

Third Spirit: We should probably stop her. But let's wait until the last possible second before we do!

The Audience: You guys are dicks.

[They hide. Pamina enters, holding the Queen's dagger.]

Pamina: TAMINO HAS ABANDONED ME AND MY MOM HAS DISOWNED ME SO I THINK I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE

No One: [gives a fuck]

Pamina: I MEAN IT

No One: [still gives a fuck]

Pamina: OKAY I'M GONNA STAB MYSELF NOW

[The Three Spirits jump out and stop her.]

First Spirit: What, what, WHAT are you doing.

Pamina: TAMINO DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOORE

Second Spirit: And your first thought was to commit suicide?

Mozart: That's how women work, right?

The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY

Third Spirit: Look, Pamina – if you stop being a stupid bitch for two seconds, we'll take you to Tamino. It's kinda what we do.

Pamina: Really?

First Spirit: Yeah.

Pamina: Wow. Guess I kinda overreacted, huh.

Second Spirit: Yuuuuuuup.

[The Three Spirits lead Pamina offstage. The scene changes again – there are two mountains, one with a waterfall and one consumed by fire and lava and shit. Two men in armor lead Tamino in.]

The Armored Men: YOU MUST PASS THROUGH FIRE AND WATER BEFORE YOU CAN ASSUME THE MANTLE OF THE AVATAR AND BRING BALANCE TO THE WORLD

Tamino: It looks... fiery.

The Armored Men: YEAH HAVE FUN AND ALSO TRY NOT TO DIE

Pamina: [calling from offstage] TAMIIINOOOO

Tamino: Wait a sec. Is that Pamina?

The Armored Men: YES YOU MORON IT'S PAMINA

Tamino: Am I still under that stupid fucking vow of silence?

The Armored Men: NAH IT'S COOL

[Pamina runs in. She and Tamino embrace.]

Pamina: TAMINO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Tamino: I LOVE YOU TOO

Pamina: LET'S UNDERGO THE FINAL TRIAL TOGETHER

Tamino: OKAY

Pamina: BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PLAY YOUR MAGIC FLUTE BECAUSE IT CAN CONTROL THE ELEMENTS AND STUFF

Tamino: Really? Wow. That's a much better idea than the one I had.

Pamina: Which was... ?

Tamino: To run through the fire really fast before I got incinerated.

Pamina: Planning isn't your strong suit, is it.

Tamino: Nnnnnope.

[Tamino starts playing the flute and they pass through the trial of fire unharmed.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOO WE'RE AWESOME

[Tamino plays the flute again and they pass through the trial of water.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOOOO THAT WASN'T ANTICLIMACTIC AT ALL

Offstage Chorus: YAAAAAAY NOW YOU CAN ENTER THE TEMPLE

Pamina: And all the plot threads have been resolved!

Tamino: Yeah, about that. Have you seen Papageno anywhere?

Pamina: All the plot threads that matter have been resolved!

[The scene changes again. Papageno is still lost.]

Papageno: I'M REGRETTING MY RASH DECISION

The Speaker: [offstage] Told you, bitch!

Papageno: I can't find Papagena anywhere, so I think I'm going to commit suicide because that seems perfectly rational. Unless someone in the audience wants me to live...?

Crickets: chirp chirp

Papageno: Nothing? Oh, you can all go to hell. I bet you sons of bitches would clap for Tinkerbell if she asked!

The Audience: Remember the time that Pamina actually needed you to talk to her? And that was the one time in the opera when you decided to shut up? Yeah, karma's a bitch.

Papageno: Fuck.

The Audience: Yuuuuup.

Papageno: FINE. I don't want to live in your stupid world anymore because you're all a bunch of stupidheads and I hate you. And now I'm going to hang myself on this tree.

[The Three Spirits enter.]

The Three Spirits: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SUICIDE

Papageno: I LOST MY SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND AND NOW I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE

First Spirit: Remember your magic glockenspiel that can do anything the plot requires at any given moment?

Papageno: … no?

Second Spirit: We gave it back to you, like... four scenes ago.

Papageno: Not ringing any bells.

The Audience: Ha. We see what you did there.

Third Spirit: It's hanging from your belt, moron.

Papageno: Oh, you mean that glockenspiel.

[He starts playing the glockenspiel.]

Papageno: Come onnn big money big money no whammies!

[Papagena appears.]

Papageno: Pa... pa... pa... PAPAGENA

Papagena: Pika... pika... PIKACHU

Mozart: What?

Papagena: I MEAN PAPAGENO

Mozart: Better.

Papageno: homina homina homina

Papagena: We make the sex now?

Papageno: Absolutely. And we'll have so many babies!

Papagena: FOUR HUNDRED BABIES

[And then they start screwing like rabbits, right there on the stage.]

The Three Spirits: OH GOD WE'RE STILL HERE

[There's another scene change. The Queen of the Night, the Three Ladies, and the traitorous Monostatos are trying to sneak into the temple and murder everyone inside.]

The Audience: Oh, right. We forgot this opera had villains.

Monostatos: BE VERY VERY QUIET

Queen of the Night: QUIET IS WHAT I DO BEST

The Three Ladies: WE ARE ALSO VERY QUIET

Monostatos: WE'RE ALMOST INSIDE

Queen of the Night: AND THEN WE CAN GET OUR MURDER ON

The Three Ladies: YAAAAAAY

The Audience: Wait, hasn't the Queen of the Night already proven that she can get into the temple whenever she needs to?

Mozart: … maybe?

The Audience: So why does she even need Monostatos?

Mozart: Stop asking questions.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

The Villains: OH NO WE'RE DYING FOR SOME REASON

The Audience: Wait, what the hell just happened?

[And then the scene changes back to the interior of the temple and everyone's happy again!]

Sarastro: The power of Light has triumphed over Darkness!

Everyone: WOOOO

The Audience: No, really. Where are the Queen and the Three Ladies?

Sarastro: I did magic to them and they fell over. And now Tamino and Pamina can get married and they'll rule as enlightened monarchs and everything will be awesome forever!

Mozart: The moral of the story is that you don't need to be brave, intelligent, or even remotely competent to triumph over evil, as long as you have enough wizards and magic trinkets to keep saving your dumb ass!

Everyone: YAAAAY FREEMASONRY

[End of the opera.]

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]