Previous installment: Act I
Act II: Scarpia's private chambers on an upper floor of the Palazzo Farnese. Scarpia is sitting at the table and eating dinner, waiting impatiently for something to happen. It feels like he's been waiting forever, really. Well, maybe not exactly forever; maybe just a little over three years. And maybe you're about to say that I make a version of this joke every goddamn time I go a long time between posts but FUCK YOU MAYBE I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN A WHILE AND MAYBE I'M A LITTLE BIT RUSTY, OKAY.
The Readers: Jesus. Someone's feeling insecure.
[I have no idea what you mean. And also shut up.]
Scarpia: You know what this opera needs? A good falconry metaphor.
The Audience: Those are hard to come by these days. Proceed!
Scarpia: So Tosca is like a falcon and my men are like dogs and by now she should have led them to wherever Cavaradossi is hiding Angelotti! I don't really know what animals those two would be in this metaphor, though. Rabbits? Foxes?
The Audience: Ummmm actually that's technically a simile and not a metaphor because you said "like".
Scarpia: Ummmm actually I could have you all LITERALLY KILLED so sure, keep talking back. See how that works out for you.
The Audience: ...
Crickets: [chirp chirp]
Scarpia: Damn straight.
[He rings a bell. Sciarrone comes running like his life depends on it, because let's face it — it probably does.]
Scarpia: Has Tosca arrived to sing for the cantata yet?
Sciarrone: We've sent someone to look for her.
[At Scarpia's order, Sciarrone opens the window. Music can be heard from the courtyard below.]
Scarpia: Well, the orchestra is still killing time, so she's obviously not here yet. [He scribbles a note.] Wait for her at the entrance and give her this when she arrives.
[Sciarrone takes the note and leaves. Scarpia sits back down at the dinner table and sings about his lust, and you just KNOW that under the table he's jerking himself into a murder-frenzy.]
The Audience: oh god no
Scarpia: oh god YES
My Parents: [are incredibly disappointed that their son has grown into such a crass human being]
Scarpia: I can't wait to bargain the painter's life for sex with his girlfriend! I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. It's like a magnet. And when you're a baron, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.
The Entire Internet: TOO SOON
Scarpia: Anyway, I like my women like I like my wine: strong, full-bodied, and locked in a cellar with lots of others so I can choose one according to my mood.
The Audience: You are the actual worst.
[Sciarrone enters.]
Sciarrone: Sir, I — oh. Oh god. Oh no.
Scarpia: HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING
Sciarrone: [averting his eyes] Yeah, I'm just gonna give you a couple minutes to finish up and also I need to binge-drink until the past thirty seconds are erased from my brain forever.
Scarpia: No need to leave; you ruined it anyway.
Sciarrone: [shudder]
Scarpia: You were saying something?
Sciarrone: Right. Uhhh. Spoletta is back. Thought you should know.
Scarpia: Excellent! Send him in.
[Sciarrone opens the door and lets Spoletta in.]
Sciarrone: [whispering] I hope you've got good news, man. I just cock-blocked the boss.
Spoletta: Fuuuuuuck.
Scarpia: Spoletta! How was the stalking?
Spoletta: It went really well in the sense that I followed Tosca to Cavaradossi's secret love-shack and burst in as soon as she left and searched the whole place...
Scarpia: Awesome! So where's our escaped convict?
Spoletta: ... buuuuuuut it went somewhat less well in the sense that Angelotti was nowhere to be found.
Scarpia: YOU SHIT-EATING SNAKE-SNOUTED MOTHERFUCKER I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU
Spoletta: JESUS CHRIST CALM DOWN I ALSO ARRESTED THE PAINTER BECAUSE HE WAS BEING HELLA SMUG AND OBVIOUSLY KNEW WHERE ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING
Scarpia: Oh. Good. Send him in, then. [to Sciarrone] And you — go fetch the torture guy. And probably the judge too, I guess.
The Audience: Right, because you give so many shits about due process.
[The flunkies leave and return a moment later with Cavaradossi, the judge, and the torture guy.]
Torture Guy: I have a name, you know.
The Audience: Do you have any lines?
Torture Guy: No, but —
The Audience: And do you do any actual onstage torturing?
Torture Guy: No, but —
The Audience: Then yeah, we really don't care.
Torture Guy: [mumbling sadly] ... but my name's Roberti.
The Audience: We can't hear you byyyyyyyyyye
Cavaradossi: Could you tell your goons to be more careful? I have delicate painter-hands and I need them in working order.
Scarpia: Don't push your luck, pretty-boy. Sit down.
Cavaradossi: I think I'd rather stand.
Scarpia: Don't be a dick, man. I'm trying to give this whole ugly affair a veneer of respectability, okay? So just. Sit. Down.
Cavaradossi: No thanks, I'm good.
Scarpia: SIT THE FUCK DOWN
Cavaradossi: I DON'T WANNA
Scarpia: FINE BUT THE CHAIRS ARE SUPER CUSHY SO IT'S YOUR LOSS
[From the courtyard, Tosca can be heard singing the cantata.]
Scarpia: So, are you aware —
Cavaradossi: SHHH I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY GIRLFRIEND
Scarpia: You haven't yet realized how thoroughly fucked you are, have you.
Cavaradossi: What was that?
Scarpia: Oh, nothing. Just clearing my throat. Aaaaanyway, did you know about the prison break yesterday?
Cavaradossi: This is the first time I'm hearing about it! I didn't even know there was a prison nearby!
Scarpia: Really? Because I have men who say you sheltered and fed the escaped prisoner and took him to your country house.
Cavaradossi: And who's saying that, exactly?
Scarpia: Top. Men.
Cavaradossi: Look, these charges are bullshit and your spies didn't find anything when they searched my house.
Scarpia: That just proves you're really good at hiding people.
Cavaradossi: What? That's not how evidence works.
Scarpia: But that is how brutal authoritarian rule works. Guess which one is more important right now!
Spoletta: ALSO HE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS QUESTIONING HIM
Scarpia: See? More evidence you're lying.
Spoletta: It's not really evidence; it just hurt my feelings.
Cavaradossi: [laughing] I don't give two shits about your feelings, you jack-booted thug!
Scarpia: Stop laughing! [menacingly] This is a place for tears.
Spoletta: [sniffling] Well, it is now.
Scarpia: WHERE IS ANGELOTTI
Cavaradossi: I DON'T KNOW
Scarpia: DID YOU GIVE HIM FOOD
Cavaradossi: I SURE DIDN'T
Scarpia: DID YOU TAKE HIM TO YOUR LOVE SHACK
Cavaradossi: I DEFINITELY DID NOT TAKE HIM TO THE PALAZZO DI CAZZO
Scarpia: DID YOU — wait, is that seriously what you call it?
Cavaradossi: ... it was Tosca's idea.
The Audience: Sure it was.
Scarpia: Okay but let's be real for a second. I'm about to torture the ever-loving fuck out of you, so this would be a great time to confess and save yourself a butt-load of pain.
The Audience: Uhhh... does he mean "butt-load" in a colloquial sense, or is that something we should be taking literally?
Torture Guy: Oh, I would tell you, but you guys are dicks.
The Audience: Boooo.
Scarpia: So is there anything you'd like to share with me?
Cavaradossi: Nope.
Scarpia: Nothing at all?
Cavaradossi: Noooooooope.
Spoletta: JUST TORTURE HIM ALREADY HE'S SUCH A JERK
[Tosca rushes in and embraces Cavaradossi.]
Scarpia: Ugh, finally. I thought that cantata was never gonna end.
Tosca: MARIO WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU ARRESTED
Cavaradossi: [whispering to her] Don't say shit about what you saw at the Palazzo di Cazzo or they'll kill my friend and execute me for treason.
Tosca: [whispering back] Okay, but can we stop calling it that? It's kinda gross.
The Audience: HAAAAA WE KNEW YOU WERE LYING
Cavaradossi: Yeah, I'm not a great liar. Or actor, for that matter.
Puccini: Foreshadowing!
The Audience: Go away.
Scarpia: MARIO CAVARADOSSI NOW THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS HERE YOU CAN BEGIN YOUR TESTIMONY UNDER EXTREME DURESS
[Sciarrone opens a door, revealing Scarpia's hidden torture chamber. Cavaradossi is dragged inside, followed by Sciarrone, the judge, and Roberti the Torture Guy. Spoletta shuts the door behind them and stands guard.]
Scarpia: [to Tosca] And now that that's out of the way, we can have a nice little chat like best girlfriends! You know, just drink skim lattes and gab about boys and whether or not those boys are secretly harboring fugitives from justice!
Tosca: That seems awfully specific.
Scarpia: Is that not a common topic of conversation? Huh. On another note entirely and for no reason whatsoever, how did it go earlier when you stormed off to find Cavaradossi? Did you find him with the Marchesa Attavanti, or maybe with anyone else who shares her name and bloodline?
Tosca: Nope. He was alone.
Scarpia: Are you sure?
Tosca: Positive. Turns out I was just being crazy and jealous!
Scarpia: Don't forget easily manipulated!
Tosca: Yeah, well, you're never gonna manipulate me again.
Scarpia: It's adorable that you think that.
Tosca: I mean it. You're not getting anything out of me.
Scarpia: If you want your boyfriend back in one piece, you might want to rethink that last statement.
Tosca: WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM IN THERE
The Audience: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING TO HIM IN THERE
Scarpia: They're not playing backgammon, that's for damn sure.
Torture Guy: [offstage] Yeah — we're playing Trivial Pursuit!
Cavaradossi: [offstage] SOMEONE HELP ME I KEEP LANDING ON SPORTS AND LEISURE
Tosca: NOOOO THAT'S THE WORST CATEGORY
Scarpia: TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR THEY'LL MAKE HIM PLAY MONOPOLY NEXT
Tosca: SWEET JESUS THAT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER
Scarpia: AND THEY WON'T EVEN LET HIM HAVE ONE OF THE COOL PIECES — HE'LL HAVE TO BE THE THIMBLE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT
Tosca: I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW JUST MAKE IT STOP
Scarpia: [calling through the door] SCIARRONE STOP
Sciarrone: [poking his head out] But I was just about to get the blue wedge!
Scarpia: Am I having a stroke, or did you just talk back to me?
[Sciarrone whimpers and goes back inside.]
Tosca: Can I see him?
Scarpia: No. Tell me what I want to know.
Tosca: MARIO ARE YOU OKAY
Cavaradossi: [offstage] YEAH AND I CAN HANDLE THE SHITTY BOARD GAMES FOR A WHILE SO KEEP YOUR GIANT DIVA MOUTH SHUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
Tosca: Rude. [turning back to Scarpia] I don't know anything. So there.
Scarpia: Fine, have it your way. START TORTURING HIM AGAIN
Sciarrone: [offstage] yaaaaay blue wedge
Tosca: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS YOU MONSTER
Scarpia: They can stop any time you want, you know. All you have to do is betray your principles and your lover!
The Audience: Oh, is that all.
Tosca: But I don't knoooowwwww anythiiiiiiiiiing
Scarpia: Christ, you're like a broken record. SCIARRONE OPEN THE DOOR SO SHE CAN HEAR HIS TORMENT BETTER
[Sciarrone complies.]
Torture Guy: [offstage] What was the exact weight in centigrams of the first person ever to win a silver medal at the Olympics?
Cavaradossi: [offstage] HOW WOULD ANYONE EVER KNOW THAT
Tosca: [incoherent sobbing]
Cavaradossi: [offstage] FUCK THIS GAME AND FUCK YOU TOO I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Sciarrone: [offstage] SCARPIAAAA HE KICKED OVER THE BOARD AND NOW THERE ARE PIECES EVERYWHERE
Scarpia: Oh, for the love of — JUST PUT HIM IN THE BRAIN-STABBY-DOOHICKEY ALREADY
Cavaradossi: [offstage] DO YOUR WORST YOU FASCIST SCUM I'M SURE I CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU — OH SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST THAT HURTS BAD
Tosca: NOOOOO okay fine Angelotti is hiding in the well in the garden.
Scarpia: It took you long enough. ROBERTI YOU CAN STOP NOW
Torture Guy: [offstage] Aw, it was just getting fun.
Sciarrone: [opening the door again] Only thirty seconds of actual torture and he's already passed out. What a wuss.
Tosca: Let me see him!
[At an order from Scarpia, Cavaradossi is dragged in and deposited at Tosca's feet. Sciarrone, the judge, and Torture Guy all leave, but Spoletta stays behind.]
Tosca: ewwwwwww he's all bloody and gross now
Cavaradossi: [regaining consciousness] ... Tosca? Is that you? Please hold me; I need to be comforted.
Tosca: I love you and everything but this dress is hella expensive and I don't want to ruin it.
Cavaradossi: [coughing up blood] Fair enough. You didn't tell them anything, though, right?
Tosca: Of course not! That would have been really shitty and I would never, ever —
Scarpia: HEY SPOLETTA REMEMBER WHEN TOSCA TOLD US THAT ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING IN THE WELL
Spoletta: I SURE DO AND NOW I'M GONNA GO ARREST HIM
[He runs out.]
Tosca: ... goddammit.
Cavaradossi: WHAT THE HELL TOSCA WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
Tosca: I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM TORTURE
Cavaradossi: I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THEY STARTED STABBING ME WITH POINTY OBJECTS
[Sciarrone rushes in.]
Sciarrone: YOUR EXCELLENCY THERE'S SOME TERRIBLE NEWS REGARDING OUR STUNNING VICTORY AT MARENGO
Scarpia: What about it?
Sciarrone: TURNS OUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A STUNNING DEFEAT AND BONAPARTE KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF MELAS
[The news sends Scarpia into a rage and turns Cavaradossi into the Kool-Aid Man.]
Cavaradossi: [jumping up] OH YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Tosca: [tugging on his sleeve] Hey, Mario, maaaaaybe it's not the best time for —
Cavaradossi: FUCK YOU SCARPIA YOU UTTER SHITBAG YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED
Tosca: — doing exactly what you just did. You know this guy still controls whether you live or die, right?
Cavaradossi: RAISE A GLASS TO FREEDOM
The Audience: aaaaayyyyyyyyy
Scarpia: Something you will never see again... [indicating Tosca] ... no matter what she tells you.
[Yeah, there was no way this script wasn't going to include a Hamilton reference. You all really should have seen that coming.]
Scarpia: Well, now that that little outburst is finished, I can have you officially arrested and executed as an enemy of the state. Thanks for making my job easier!
Cavaradossi: But... but... freedom!
Scarpia: Look out the window. Do you see Napoleon's army here to rescue you?
Cavaradossi: No... ?
Scarpia: Then I can still do whatever the fuck I want, and that includes hanging you. In short: ARRIVEDERCI, FELICIA
[Cavaradossi is dragged away. Tosca goes to follow, but Scarpia cuts her off.]
Scarpia: Not you. You get to watch me eat my dinner.
Tosca: You have to saaaaave hiiiiiiim
Scarpia: I don't have to do shit. You, on the other hand... [He sits back down at the table and resumes eating.]
Tosca: Fine. How much money do you want?
Scarpia: That's adorable. [gesturing at their surroundings] Does it look like I need money?
Tosca: Well, what do you want instead?
[Scarpia wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.]
Tosca: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Scarpia: I mean, I always knew you were a fox. But seeing you tonight, full of anguish for your lover and utter hatred for me? Turns out that reeeeeally gets me going.
Tosca: Just so we're on the same page, I would literally rather jump out this window —
Puccini: Also foreshadowing!
Tosca: — and plummet to my certain death than have sex with you.
Scarpia: God, I love it when you talk dirty.
Tosca: That's not — we're not gonna — GAHHH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME
Scarpia: Because you're a strong, outspoken woman and I feel entitled to violate your body so I can claim some sort of sick ownership of you, thereby stripping you of your agency? And I'm also utterly undeterred — nay, even encouraged — by your lack of consent?
Tosca: That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Women in the Audience: Oh, honey. On the internet, we call that a Tuesday.
Tosca: Christ. Really?
Women in the Audience: And also Wednesday. And Thursday. And most other days.
Scarpia: So what's it gonna be, Sugar-tits?
[He advances on her and she retreats behind the couch.]
Tosca: DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME
Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR SPASMS OF PASSION OR HATRED OR EPILEPSY OR WHATEVER
Tosca: YOU ARE THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER
Scarpia: WELL THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER ALSO HAS THE POWER TO STOP YOUR LOVER'S HANGING SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OVER IT
[Tosca collapses on the couch in despair.]
Tosca: DEAR JESUS WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME I'M JUST AN ARTIST AND I'VE NEVER HURT ANYONE EVER
Jesus: [from Heaven] Welllllll the script for Act I heavily implied you're the earthly vessel for some kind of Lovecraftian hellbeast, and I'm not down with tentacled horrors from dimensions unknown.
Cthulhu: [from the nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh] IS THAT WHY YOU HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST
Jesus: In a word: yes.
Cthulhu: WELL FHTAGN YOU AND FHTAGN YOUR MOTHER TOO
Jesus: YOU LEAVE MARY OUT OF THIS
Tosca: Uhhhh... that was weird. [to Scarpia] Look, I'm begging you. Don't make me do this.
Scarpia: I'm not asking that much — a long, happy life with Cavaradossi in exchange for an instant with me.
The Audience: An instant? Really?
Scarpia: IT'S A MORE COMMON PROBLEM THAN YOU MIGHT THINK AND ALSO SHUT UP
[Spoletta rushes in.]
Scarpia: Good God, I need to put a lock on that door.
Spoletta: Sooooooo we found Angelotti but he committed suicide before we could capture him.
Scarpia: Well, just hang his corpse from the scaffold. And is everything ready for Cavaradossi?
Spoletta: It sure is! We've even rigged it to make sure his neck won't snap from the drop, so he'll just have a slow, painful death by strangling!
Tosca: fuuuuuuuck
Scarpia: Great! Then I'll let you go and execute him in five... four... three... two...
Tosca: OKAY FINE I'LL DO IT
Scarpia: [unbuttoning his pants] Awwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh
Tosca: Not yet. First, you let Mario go.
Scarpia: Hold on now; I can't just go around pardoning people willy-nilly.
The Audience: What happened to being able to do whatever the fuck you want?
Scarpia: Hush. Just to keep up appearances, we'll have to stage a fake execution. [to Spoletta] Remember how we did that fake firing squad for Count Palmieri? Do it like that.
Spoletta: Palmieri? Pretty sure we actually shot that guy.
Scarpia: [gritting his teeth] No, you must be thinking of that guy Fieri, because we definitely let Palmieri go, alive and un-bullet-riddled.
Spoletta: No, I distinctly remember that we drowned Fieri in his own terrible sauce as an ironic punishment. Palmieri was the one we shot —
[He sees Scarpia making wild "shut up, you jackass" gestures at him from behind Tosca's back.]
Spoletta: — with fake bullets at a fake execution because the whole thing was fake. I remember now!
The Audience: Smooth.
Scarpia: So now that that's settled, you should probably go make the arrangements.
Spoletta: That sounds like a great idea! I'm gonna leave before I say anything else incriminating.
Tosca: What?
Scarpia: [pushing Spoletta out the door] Nothing! He said nothing. [dropping his pants] So about that hate-sex...
Tosca: Not so fast! I need official, written assurance that Mario and I will be able to leave the country unmolested.
The Audience: Uh... phrasing.
Scarpia: Is my word not good enough?
Tosca: Yeah, I just don't trust you for some reason. Maybe it's the secret police. Or the torture. Or the sexual blackmail.
Scarpia: That's fair. [sitting down at his writing desk] Which route do you want to take?
Tosca: The shortest.
Scarpia: Civitavecchia it is!
[He starts to write while Tosca looks on in shame and disgust.]
Scarpia: [humming to himself] doot doot de doo, gonna go down to Bone Town once this letter is finiiiiished
[While Scarpia is distracted, Tosca notices a knife on the dinner table. She sidles over, picks it up, and hides it behind her back.]
Scarpia: Aaaaaaaand done! [getting up] Allow me to slip into something a little more comfortable.
Tosca: ... you mean my vagina, don't you.
Scarpia: I sure do! YOU'RE MINE AT LAST
[He rushes toward her and she stabs him right in the fucking chest.]
Tosca: LOL NOPE
Scarpia: HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SOMEONE HELP ME
Tosca: ARE YOU DROWNING IN YOUR OWN BLOOD YET YOU SON OF A BITCH
Scarpia: help... me...
Tosca: SAY MY NAME MOTHERFUCKER
Scarpia: [gurgling sounds]
The Audience: Holy shit. This opera is metal as fuck.
Tosca: YEAH YOU DON'T FUCK WITH FLORIA TOSCA BECAUSE — because... you.....
[Tosca's eyes turn completely black. Her jaw opens wide — far too wide for a human — and what Scarpia sees lurking inside her body is too horrific to comprehend. What remains of his mind is irreparably shattered. The creature feeds on his madness, leaving his rapidly exsanguinating body little more than a withered husk. When death finally overtakes him, it is a merciful release.]
Puccini: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS
[But wouldn't it be awesome if it did?]
Puccini: No. Now tell it right, goddammit.
[Fiiiiiine.]
Tosca: [standing over Scarpia's corpse] I can't believe everyone was so afraid of this ass-clown. All it took to kill him was one teensy little stab in the heart!
[She pries the letter of safe passage from Scarpia's cold, dead fingers.]
The Audience: Hey, didn't you make a big deal in Act I about being super religious?
Tosca: Yeah? So?
The Audience: ... thou shalt not kill?
Tosca: Shiiiiiiiit
[End of Act II.]
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Tosca, Act I
Tosca
A series of unfortunate events in three acts
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
[Act I: Due to certain important historical events that take place during the story, this opera has a very specific setting (Rome, a couple days after June 14th, 1800) – but if you think that detail stops people from attempting to update the opera, you're wrong.]
Everyone Ever: That's... really weird.
Administrators of the Bregenzer Festspiele: YEAH WELL WE WERE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE SO SUCK IT
[The curtain opens on the interior of Sant'Andrea del Valle, a church in Rome. On one side of the stage, a large painter's scaffold stands beneath a covered painting; on the other, there is a locked gate leading into the Attavanti chapel. There's also a statue of the Virgin Mary near the chapel entrance, which you wouldn't think would be a plot point but it kinda is. Enter Angelotti, a political dissident who has just escaped from prison.]
Angelotti: Thank god I'm finally here! I was afraid that everyone I passed on the street was an undercover cop.
Javert: [offstage] I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
Puccini: Wrong country, decade, and art form. Get out.
[Angelotti runs over to the statue of Mary, examining it closely and mumbling to himself like the type of crazy vagrant he so strongly resembles.]
Angelotti: Oh, come on. My sister said it would be right over here – ah!
[He discovers a key hidden near the statue, which he promptly uses to open the chapel gate. He retreats inside just as the sacristan enters, carrying a bunch of paintbrushes.]
Sacristan: grumble grumble stupid artists and their stupid paints getting all over my robes –
[He looks around.]
Sacristan: Signor Cavaradossi? ... Huh. I could have sworn I heard him in here.
[One of the church bells chimes the Angelus, and the sacristan kneels to pray.]
Sacristan: And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary, and he was all like, "Hey girl haaaaay you're holy and you're going to bear the son of God," and she was all like, "That sounds pretty cool." And thus the Word of God was made flesh and came to dwell among us. Amen.
[Enter Mario Cavaradossi, painter and tenor extraordinaire.]
Cavaradossi: The fuck are you doing?
Sacristan: I'm praying the Angelus, you miserable heathen.
[Cavaradossi climbs the scaffold and removes the cover from his painting. It's a foxy blonde woman.]
Sacristan: Wait, who is that?
Cavaradossi: It's Mary Magdalene.
Sacristan: Well, it looks suspiciously like the woman who's been praying near the statue of the Madonna every day for the past week.
Cavaradossi: Yeah... she was pretty hot, so I painted her while she wasn't paying attention.
Sacristan: That's kinda sketchy.
Cavaradossi: Just shut up and give me my paints.
Sacristan: grumble grumble godless pervert
[Cavaradossi resumes painting for about a minute before stopping to take out a picture of his girlfriend and stare at it lovingly.]
The Audience: Is he getting paid by the hour?
Sacristan: He wishes.
Cavaradossi: It's funny how people can look so different from each other! My girlfriend, the famous singer Floria Tosca –
The Audience: Name-dropper.
Cavaradossi: – has dark hair, but the woman I've been painting has blonde hair!
The Audience: Yeah, people can have different hair colors. You're not just noticing this now, are you?
Cavaradossi: But that's not all! The woman in the painting has blue eyes, but Tosca's eyes are black!
The Audience: ... wait, her eyes are black?
Cavaradossi: Blacker than obsidian. Blacker than the nearly palpable darkness of a sealed tomb miles beneath the surface of the earth, in which slumbers an ancient, unspeakable horror. To gaze into her eyes is to taste madness. It is to be drawn into a twilit realm of gnawing fear and waking nightmare, from which there is no hope of escape.
The Audience: ...
Cavaradossi: ...
The Audience: ...
Cavaradossi: And she's got tits like you wouldn't fucking believe.
The Audience: Of course she does.
Cavaradossi: And even though I'm painting this random woman on a church wall without her knowledge or consent –
The Audience: – which, we have to admit, is pretty creepy –
Cavaradossi: – I'm still only thinking of Tosca because we're SO IN LOVE
The Audience: D'awwww.
Sacristan: THE ONLY WOMAN DESERVING OF SUCH SINGLE-MINDED ADORATION IS THE VIRGIN MARY BECAUSE SHE BECAME A MOTHER (which is, of course, a woman's highest calling) WITHOUT EVER DEBASING HERSELF BY ENGAGING IN THE SEX
The Audience: You're a bit of an extremist, aren't you.
Sacristan: No, that's more or less the church's official position.
Cavaradossi: And that's why I'm an agnostic! Among other reasons.
Sacristan: Shut it. Since you're clearly too busy thinking lustful thoughts to do your damn job, can I leave?
Cavaradossi: Please do.
[As the sacristan is leaving, he notices Cavaradossi's basket of food on the scaffold.]
Sacristan: Are you fasting or something?
Cavaradossi: I'm just not hungry.
Sacristan: Pity. Your flesh could use a little mortification.
Cavaradossi: JUST GO ALREADY
Sacristan: Fine. Lock up when you leave.
[He exits. Cavaradossi resumes painting. Angelotti, assuming that the church is empty again, emerges from the chapel. Cavaradossi hears the gate creak and looks up.]
Cavaradossi: WHO'S THERE
[Angelotti looks terrified for a moment, but then he recognizes Cavaradossi.]
Angelotti: Thank god it's you! You have to help me!
Cavaradossi: Sorry, man; I don't have any spare change.
Angelotti: I'M NOT A HOBO YOU ASSHOLE
Cavaradossi: [recognizing him] ... Angelotti? Weren't you in prison?
Angelotti: Yeah, I just broke out of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Can you help me out?
Cavaradossi: Sure, I –
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO
Cavaradossi: Fuuuck. It's my crazy-jealous girlfriend. [to Angelotti] You'd better hide again.
The Audience: Crazy-jealous, huh. Weren't you babbling about how much you loved her two minutes ago?
Puccini: This is opera. Insane jealousy is love.
[Somewhere in a drafty Parisian attic, Mimi and Rodolfo high-five.]
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
Cavaradossi: [calling back] Right here, darling! [to Angelotti] Seriously, man, you need to get back in that chapel.
Angelotti: BUT I'M HUNGRYYYYY
Cavaradossi: [handing him the basket of food] Here. Now shut up and go.
[Angelotti retreats into the chapel as Cavaradossi goes to let Tosca in.]
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO LUIGI CAVARADOSSI IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THIS INSTANT –
Cavaradossi: [opening the door] Hello to you too, darling.
Tosca: Why was the door locked and WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO JUST NOW AND IS SHE PRETTIER AND/OR YOUNGER THAN I AM
Cavaradossi: The sacristan wanted it shut, I was talking to you, and you need to calm down because there's no one else here.
Tosca: NUH-UH I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE SO WHERE IS SHE
Cavaradossi: There's no other woman. Calm down.
Tosca: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG
Cavaradossi: That is exactly what I'm saying. And also that I love you.
The Audience: For some reason.
[Cavaradossi attempts to give Tosca sloppy makeouts, but she pushes him away.]
Tosca: Not in front of the statue of Mary! I can feel her ever-watching eyes silently judging us!
Cavaradossi: Yeah, I've never really been a fan of T. J. Eckleburg's sculptures. There's always something weird and off-putting about them.
Tosca: Hush, darling. I have to pray!
[She kneels in front of the statue of Mary and arranges some flowers around the base.]
The Audience: That's not prayer; that's botany.
Tosca: YOU SHUT UP I'M THE BEST CATHOLIC EVER [to Cavaradossi] Sooo I'm singing in a concert tonight, but if you meet me backstage after I'm done, we can go to your villa and have passionate pre-marital sex!
The Audience: Yup. Best Catholic ever.
Tosca: I'M PIOUS AS SHIT SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF
Cavaradossi: Sorry, what were you saying about tonight?
Tosca: We're gonna go to your flowery little love-nest and bone in the light of the full moon!
Cavaradossi: [distracted] Yeah, sure. That sounds fine.
Tosca: I'm overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.
Cavaradossi: No, really. I'm excited and aroused and stuff.
Tosca: It's been so long since we enjoyed each other carnally in the sweet embrace of nature, with the moon and the stars and all sorts of nocturnal creatures watching us in the throes of passion and OH GOD I NEED IT SO BAD
Cavaradossi: ... did it just get really hot in here?
Tosca: I'm just sayin' – Tosca's got a fire in her loins that needs you to quench it.
The Audience: And Tosca apparently likes referring to herself in the third person.
Cavaradossi: Are you sure we can't just have a quickie here in the church?
Tosca: Of course not. That would be sinful.
The Audience: You really pick and choose with the sin stuff, don't you.
Cavaradossi: Well, fine. If we're not gonna bone yet, I need you to leave so I can get some work done.
Tosca: Are you seriously kicking me out of church?
Cavaradossi: I really need to finish this painting. The sacristan has been a passive-aggressive bitch to me all day.
Tosca: Fine, I'll go. But can I see your painting first?
Cavaradossi: Sure!
The Audience: ... this isn't going to go well, is it.
Tosca: [looking at the painting] WHO IS THAT AND WHY IS SHE SO BEAUTIFUL
Cavaradossi: It's supposed to be Mary Magdalene.
Tosca: NO SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR SOMEHOW
Cavaradossi: Just one of those faces, I guess.
Tosca: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MARCHESA ATTAVANTI
Cavaradossi: Well, technically...
Tosca: I KNEW YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE JUST NOW YOU RAT BASTARD TELL ME WHERE SHE'S HIDING
Cavaradossi: Whoa, girl; calm your exceptionally nice tits. She was here to pray and I painted her. That's all.
Tosca: ... you promise?
Cavaradossi: I promise.
Tosca: [whining] But now she's staring at meeeee and I don't like iiiiiiit
Cavaradossi: You are literally the craziest person I have ever met.
Tosca: But her eyes –
Cavaradossi: – are nowhere near as beautiful as yours. [mesmerized] Your black, shining eyes... filled with all the secrets of the nether-world... one could almost get lost in them forever...
The Audience: Jesus Christ, someone get the holy water.
Tosca: [hugging Cavaradossi] Aww, you say the sweetest things sometimes.
Cavaradossi: [waking from his trance] What? I didn't say anything.
Tosca: Okay, I guess I'll leave now. But can you do me a favor and paint her eyes black, like mine?
Cavaradossi: You're crazy and jealous and apparently feel the need to interfere with my work, but I love you!
The Audience: That doesn't really answer her question.
Tosca: You would forgive me for my jealousy if you knew how it tormented me inside! Sometimes I get so upset that I black out and wake up hours later in a field – naked, covered in blood, and surrounded by eviscerated livestock!
Cavaradossi: That might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.
The Audience: Holy water. HOLY WATER.
Tosca: But it only happens because I just LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Cavaradossi: I LOVE YOU TOO
[They embrace.]
Tosca: GODDAMMIT MARIO YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR
Cavaradossi: Sorry. Can I finish painting now?
Tosca: Of course – just promise me that no women of any hair color whatsoever will come and pray here!
Cavaradossi: That's not something I really have much control over, but... sure?
Tosca: Good. See you tonight!
[She starts to go.]
Tosca: Oh, and don't forget to paint her eyes black!
Cavaradossi: YES THANK YOU PLEASE LEAVE NOW
[They give each other a quick kiss and Tosca finally leaves. Once she's gone, Cavaradossi hurries over to the chapel and lets Angelotti out again.]
Cavaradossi: Sorry about that.
Angelotti: She seems a bit... clingy.
Cavaradossi: You've got no idea. And she tells her priest literally everything in confession, so I thought it would be best to leave her in the dark about this.
Angelotti: Yeah, keeping secrets from your jealous and easily-angered girlfriend seems like the most logical course of action here.
Cavaradossi: Shut up. So what's your plan?
Angelotti: Well, I either need to hide somewhere or to get out of Rome. My sister, the Marchesa Attavanti, left some women's clothes in the chapel so I could disguise myself.
Cavaradossi: Oh, so that's why she's been coming here so often.
Angelotti: Yuuup. She took a pretty big risk, helping me escape from Scarpia and all that.
Cavaradossi: Scarpia! That asshole of a baron who likes to torture men and seduce women!
The Audience: He's gonna be a baritone, isn't he.
Puccini: How'd you guess?
Cavaradossi: But seriously, you can't stay here until nighttime. There's a path behind the rectory that leads through some fields and straight to my villa – you can hide there. [handing Angelotti a key] This will get you inside, and I'll be there as soon as I can. If there's any trouble, you can hide in the well – there's a secret room about halfway down.
Angelotti: Awesome. [fetching the dress from the chapel] Should I wear this?
Cavaradossi: No need. The path is usually deserted at this time of day.
Angelotti: Aww, but I wanted to be pretty!
Cavaradossi: Fiiiiine, you can play dress-up. But make it quick, okay? It probably won't be long before they discover that –
[A cannon sounds in the distance.]
Cavaradossi: – you've escaped. Fuuuuuck.
Angelotti: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the cannon at the prison.
Cavaradossi: Okay, we need to get you out of here before Scarpia and his henchmen show up. I'll come along, just in case you run into any trouble!
[They rush out. The sacristan enters.]
Sacristan: HEY MISTER PAINTER I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS
[He looks around and sees that he's alone.]
Sacristan: Oh, for the love of – he's gone again? That painting's never gonna get finished. [sighing] And I wish I could see his face when he hears the news! After all, anyone who ruins a heathen's day is granted an indulgence!
The Audience: Shouldn't you treat him with respect and love? You know, like Jesus would?
Sacristan: That sounds like filthy Protestant talk to me.
[Various priests, altar boys, and children's choir members enter in a hurry.]
The Chorus: WHAT'S GOING ON
Sacristan: Wonderful news! Napoleon has just been defeated by the Austrian army!
The Chorus: WOW REALLY TELL US MORE
Sacristan: When they write about this war in history books, the Battle of Marengo will forever be remembered as the final defeat of that uppity Corsican scumbag!
Historians in the Audience: [snicker]
The Chorus: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS
Sacristan: General Melas sent a messenger along with news of the battle! I mean, the battle wasn't technically over yet, but he was completely sure that the French army wouldn't possibly be able to turn their crushing defeat into a surprise victory!
Historians in the Audience: [guffaw]
Sacristan: And in celebration of this joyous occasion, we're going to be doing a full Te deum mass that starts in ten minutes, followed by a gala celebration at Palazzo Farnese and the premiere of a new cantata – presumably written in the past thirty minutes – starring Floria Tosca!
The Chorus: ooooooooh
Sacristan: Now go get ready for the mass!
The Chorus: LOL NO IT'S PARTY TIME
[And then the children run around screaming about how excited they are.]
The Audience: This is an entirely accurate depiction of how children behave in large groups.
Puccini: Thanks!
The Audience: That wasn't a compliment.
[The craziness continues until Scarpia enters, followed by several flunkies. Let's do a roll call!]
Spoletta: I'm Spoletta, Scarpia's right-hand man!
Sciarrone: And I'm Sciarrone, Scarpia's left-hand man!
Javert: AND I'M JAVERT – DO NOT FORGET MY NAME
Spoletta and Sciarrone: STOP FOLLOWING US
The Chorus: WOOOO WE'RE SO EXCITED AND STUFF
Scarpia: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS A CHURCH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
[Everyone cowers.]
Sacristan: Um... sorry. We're just really excited about the great news and stuff...
Scarpia: Everyone get out. Start preparing for the mass.
[The chorus departs quickly, and the sacristan prepares to leave as well.]
Scarpia: Except you.
Sacristan: [whimpers]
Scarpia: [to Spoletta] Search every corner. There has to be evidence somewhere.
Spoletta: Yes, sir!
Scarpia: [to Sciarrone and the others] Keep watch at the doors, but don't make it too obvious.
Sciarrone and the others: Yes, sir!
Scarpia: [to the sacristan] And you're going to answer my questions – but I want you to know in advance that this is a matter of national security. I will literally feed you your own entrails if you lie to me.
Sacristan: ... yes, sir.
Scarpia: A prisoner just escaped from the Castel Sant'Angelo, and we have reason to believe he hid here. Where is the Attavanti chapel?
Sacristan: [pointing] Over there! And the gate's open!
[They go inside. Scarpia returns, holding a fan.]
Scarpia: I'll have to find the jackass who fired off that cannon and torture him to death. Angelotti was here, but he must have known we were coming and run away. He must have had some help... but from whom?
[He paces, tapping the fan against his hand.]
Sacristan: Maybe from whoever left that fan in the chapel... ?
Scarpia: Oh, don't be ridiculous. This clearly belonged to Angelotti.
Sacristan: But... that's a lady's fan.
Scarpia: His predilection for dressing in women's clothing is widely known – and it's at least half the reason we arrested him in the first place.
Sacristan: It looks like there's a family crest on it.
Scarpia: [looking closer] HOLY CRAP THERE IS
The Audience: The world's greatest detective. Move over, Batman.
Scarpia: This belongs to the Marchesa Attavanti! [noticing the painting] And there she is! Thank god no one painted her eyes black, or I wouldn't have recognized her! [to the sacristan] Who painted that portrait?
Sacristan: Mario Cavaradossi.
Scarpia: Tosca's boyfriend? This might be an excellent opportunity to blackmail her into sleeping with me.
[One of the policemen comes out of the chapel, carrying Cavaradossi's empty food basket.]
Sacristan: The basket! It's empty!
Scarpia: So?
Sacristan: There was food in it for Cavaradossi, but it was full the last time I saw him!
Scarpia: Yeah, the funny thing about food is that it tends to disappear when people eat it.
Sacristan: But he said he wasn't hungry – and he didn't have a key to the chapel, either!
Scarpia: Well, I guess I'll just have to arrest this guy and bang his girlfriend. Work, work, work.
[Tosca enters.]
Scarpia: Speak of the devil! [stepping out of sight] I guess it's time to start Operation Manipulate a Jealous Girlfriend Into Helping Me Arrest Her Lover!
Tosca: MARIO WHERE ARE YOU
Sacristan: Who the hell knows? He just vanished, probably with the help of some heathen black magic.
Tosca: What? You're crazy.
[The sacristan exits. Scarpia steps out of his hiding place, dips his hand into the holy water basin, and offers some to Tosca.]
Scarpia: Care to bless yourself, my lady?
Tosca: Thank you! That's not remotely sketchy behavior at all!
Scarpia: It's nice to see someone like you coming to church with entirely pure intentions. Not like some other sluts I could mention.
Tosca: [eyes narrowing] What do you mean?
Scarpia: Well, there's a woman – who looks remarkably like the one in that painting, by the way – who's been coming her every day to meet her lover. [holds up the fan] She even left this among his paintbrushes!
[Tosca grabs the fan and notices the crest.]
Tosca: WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ATTAVANTI WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND
Scarpia: OH NO IS CAVARADOSSI YOUR BOYFRIEND I HAD NO IDEA THIS MUST BE SO UPSETTING FOR YOU
Tosca: I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I COULDN'T GO TO HIS LOVE-SHACK TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ATTEND THE ROYAL GALA BUT I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY BONING SOME PRETTY BLONDE BITCH
Scarpia: [to himself] This is way easier than anticipated. It's like taking candy from a fish, or shooting babies in a barrel, or however those sayings go.
Tosca: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE
Scarpia: I'm sorry to see you're so upset – is there anything I can do comfort you?
The Audience: You are such a sleaze.
Scarpia: Yuuuuuuuup.
Tosca: HOW DARE HE TURN OUR SPECIAL PLACE INTO A SEEDY BROTHEL
Scarpia: YEAH THAT'S TERRIBLE I THINK YOU SHOULD GO THERE RIGHT NOW AND FIND HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM
Tosca: YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING MANIPULATED RIGHT NOW
[Tosca runs out. Scarpia signals for Spoletta to come over, and people begin filing into church.]
Scarpia: Follow her. She'll lead you straight to Cavaradossi and Angelotti.
Spoletta: [in a singsong voice] Weeeeee're following the diva, the diva, the diva –
Scarpia: Shut up. Meet me in my quarters at the Palazzo Farnese when you've found them.
Spoletta: Yes, sir.
[Spoletta exits. The mass begins, and the procession of cardinals, priests, and altar boys passes behind Scarpia.]
Puccini: You know, I'm a little concerned that Scarpia isn't villainous enough.
The Audience: Maybe you could give him a gloating monologue while the Te deum goes on in the background.
Puccini: You think?
The Audience: Oh, yeah. The juxtaposition of sacred and profane actions will make him seem so much more evil than he would on his own!
Puccini: ... you may have a point.
The Chorus: OH GOD YOU CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH
Scarpia: GO, TOSCA – FEEL MY VENOM PENETRATE YOUR BOSOM
Puccini: How's that?
The Audience: It's a good start. Try expanding on his lustful intentions.
The Chorus: PRAISE GOD'S NAME NOW AND FOREVER
Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND CAVARADOSSI TO HIS DEATH WHILE I SCREW HIS GIRLFRIEND
The Audience: Good, good.
Puccini: And now for the big finish!
Scarpia: TOSCA YOU MAKE ME FORGET GOD
Everyone: YAAAAY JESUS
Puccini: ... nailed it.
[End of Act I.]
A series of unfortunate events in three acts
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
[Act I: Due to certain important historical events that take place during the story, this opera has a very specific setting (Rome, a couple days after June 14th, 1800) – but if you think that detail stops people from attempting to update the opera, you're wrong.]
Everyone Ever: That's... really weird.
Administrators of the Bregenzer Festspiele: YEAH WELL WE WERE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE SO SUCK IT
[The curtain opens on the interior of Sant'Andrea del Valle, a church in Rome. On one side of the stage, a large painter's scaffold stands beneath a covered painting; on the other, there is a locked gate leading into the Attavanti chapel. There's also a statue of the Virgin Mary near the chapel entrance, which you wouldn't think would be a plot point but it kinda is. Enter Angelotti, a political dissident who has just escaped from prison.]
Angelotti: Thank god I'm finally here! I was afraid that everyone I passed on the street was an undercover cop.
Javert: [offstage] I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
Puccini: Wrong country, decade, and art form. Get out.
[Angelotti runs over to the statue of Mary, examining it closely and mumbling to himself like the type of crazy vagrant he so strongly resembles.]
Angelotti: Oh, come on. My sister said it would be right over here – ah!
[He discovers a key hidden near the statue, which he promptly uses to open the chapel gate. He retreats inside just as the sacristan enters, carrying a bunch of paintbrushes.]
Sacristan: grumble grumble stupid artists and their stupid paints getting all over my robes –
[He looks around.]
Sacristan: Signor Cavaradossi? ... Huh. I could have sworn I heard him in here.
[One of the church bells chimes the Angelus, and the sacristan kneels to pray.]
Sacristan: And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary, and he was all like, "Hey girl haaaaay you're holy and you're going to bear the son of God," and she was all like, "That sounds pretty cool." And thus the Word of God was made flesh and came to dwell among us. Amen.
[Enter Mario Cavaradossi, painter and tenor extraordinaire.]
Cavaradossi: The fuck are you doing?
Sacristan: I'm praying the Angelus, you miserable heathen.
[Cavaradossi climbs the scaffold and removes the cover from his painting. It's a foxy blonde woman.]
Sacristan: Wait, who is that?
Cavaradossi: It's Mary Magdalene.
Sacristan: Well, it looks suspiciously like the woman who's been praying near the statue of the Madonna every day for the past week.
Cavaradossi: Yeah... she was pretty hot, so I painted her while she wasn't paying attention.
Sacristan: That's kinda sketchy.
Cavaradossi: Just shut up and give me my paints.
Sacristan: grumble grumble godless pervert
[Cavaradossi resumes painting for about a minute before stopping to take out a picture of his girlfriend and stare at it lovingly.]
The Audience: Is he getting paid by the hour?
Sacristan: He wishes.
Cavaradossi: It's funny how people can look so different from each other! My girlfriend, the famous singer Floria Tosca –
The Audience: Name-dropper.
Cavaradossi: – has dark hair, but the woman I've been painting has blonde hair!
The Audience: Yeah, people can have different hair colors. You're not just noticing this now, are you?
Cavaradossi: But that's not all! The woman in the painting has blue eyes, but Tosca's eyes are black!
The Audience: ... wait, her eyes are black?
Cavaradossi: Blacker than obsidian. Blacker than the nearly palpable darkness of a sealed tomb miles beneath the surface of the earth, in which slumbers an ancient, unspeakable horror. To gaze into her eyes is to taste madness. It is to be drawn into a twilit realm of gnawing fear and waking nightmare, from which there is no hope of escape.
The Audience: ...
Cavaradossi: ...
The Audience: ...
Cavaradossi: And she's got tits like you wouldn't fucking believe.
The Audience: Of course she does.
Cavaradossi: And even though I'm painting this random woman on a church wall without her knowledge or consent –
The Audience: – which, we have to admit, is pretty creepy –
Cavaradossi: – I'm still only thinking of Tosca because we're SO IN LOVE
The Audience: D'awwww.
Sacristan: THE ONLY WOMAN DESERVING OF SUCH SINGLE-MINDED ADORATION IS THE VIRGIN MARY BECAUSE SHE BECAME A MOTHER (which is, of course, a woman's highest calling) WITHOUT EVER DEBASING HERSELF BY ENGAGING IN THE SEX
The Audience: You're a bit of an extremist, aren't you.
Sacristan: No, that's more or less the church's official position.
Cavaradossi: And that's why I'm an agnostic! Among other reasons.
Sacristan: Shut it. Since you're clearly too busy thinking lustful thoughts to do your damn job, can I leave?
Cavaradossi: Please do.
[As the sacristan is leaving, he notices Cavaradossi's basket of food on the scaffold.]
Sacristan: Are you fasting or something?
Cavaradossi: I'm just not hungry.
Sacristan: Pity. Your flesh could use a little mortification.
Cavaradossi: JUST GO ALREADY
Sacristan: Fine. Lock up when you leave.
[He exits. Cavaradossi resumes painting. Angelotti, assuming that the church is empty again, emerges from the chapel. Cavaradossi hears the gate creak and looks up.]
Cavaradossi: WHO'S THERE
[Angelotti looks terrified for a moment, but then he recognizes Cavaradossi.]
Angelotti: Thank god it's you! You have to help me!
Cavaradossi: Sorry, man; I don't have any spare change.
Angelotti: I'M NOT A HOBO YOU ASSHOLE
Cavaradossi: [recognizing him] ... Angelotti? Weren't you in prison?
Angelotti: Yeah, I just broke out of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Can you help me out?
Cavaradossi: Sure, I –
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO
Cavaradossi: Fuuuck. It's my crazy-jealous girlfriend. [to Angelotti] You'd better hide again.
The Audience: Crazy-jealous, huh. Weren't you babbling about how much you loved her two minutes ago?
Puccini: This is opera. Insane jealousy is love.
[Somewhere in a drafty Parisian attic, Mimi and Rodolfo high-five.]
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
Cavaradossi: [calling back] Right here, darling! [to Angelotti] Seriously, man, you need to get back in that chapel.
Angelotti: BUT I'M HUNGRYYYYY
Cavaradossi: [handing him the basket of food] Here. Now shut up and go.
[Angelotti retreats into the chapel as Cavaradossi goes to let Tosca in.]
Tosca: [offstage] MARIO LUIGI CAVARADOSSI IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THIS INSTANT –
Cavaradossi: [opening the door] Hello to you too, darling.
Tosca: Why was the door locked and WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO JUST NOW AND IS SHE PRETTIER AND/OR YOUNGER THAN I AM
Cavaradossi: The sacristan wanted it shut, I was talking to you, and you need to calm down because there's no one else here.
Tosca: NUH-UH I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE SO WHERE IS SHE
Cavaradossi: There's no other woman. Calm down.
Tosca: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG
Cavaradossi: That is exactly what I'm saying. And also that I love you.
The Audience: For some reason.
[Cavaradossi attempts to give Tosca sloppy makeouts, but she pushes him away.]
Tosca: Not in front of the statue of Mary! I can feel her ever-watching eyes silently judging us!
Cavaradossi: Yeah, I've never really been a fan of T. J. Eckleburg's sculptures. There's always something weird and off-putting about them.
Tosca: Hush, darling. I have to pray!
[She kneels in front of the statue of Mary and arranges some flowers around the base.]
The Audience: That's not prayer; that's botany.
Tosca: YOU SHUT UP I'M THE BEST CATHOLIC EVER [to Cavaradossi] Sooo I'm singing in a concert tonight, but if you meet me backstage after I'm done, we can go to your villa and have passionate pre-marital sex!
The Audience: Yup. Best Catholic ever.
Tosca: I'M PIOUS AS SHIT SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF
Cavaradossi: Sorry, what were you saying about tonight?
Tosca: We're gonna go to your flowery little love-nest and bone in the light of the full moon!
Cavaradossi: [distracted] Yeah, sure. That sounds fine.
Tosca: I'm overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.
Cavaradossi: No, really. I'm excited and aroused and stuff.
Tosca: It's been so long since we enjoyed each other carnally in the sweet embrace of nature, with the moon and the stars and all sorts of nocturnal creatures watching us in the throes of passion and OH GOD I NEED IT SO BAD
Cavaradossi: ... did it just get really hot in here?
Tosca: I'm just sayin' – Tosca's got a fire in her loins that needs you to quench it.
The Audience: And Tosca apparently likes referring to herself in the third person.
Cavaradossi: Are you sure we can't just have a quickie here in the church?
Tosca: Of course not. That would be sinful.
The Audience: You really pick and choose with the sin stuff, don't you.
Cavaradossi: Well, fine. If we're not gonna bone yet, I need you to leave so I can get some work done.
Tosca: Are you seriously kicking me out of church?
Cavaradossi: I really need to finish this painting. The sacristan has been a passive-aggressive bitch to me all day.
Tosca: Fine, I'll go. But can I see your painting first?
Cavaradossi: Sure!
The Audience: ... this isn't going to go well, is it.
Tosca: [looking at the painting] WHO IS THAT AND WHY IS SHE SO BEAUTIFUL
Cavaradossi: It's supposed to be Mary Magdalene.
Tosca: NO SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR SOMEHOW
Cavaradossi: Just one of those faces, I guess.
Tosca: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MARCHESA ATTAVANTI
Cavaradossi: Well, technically...
Tosca: I KNEW YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE JUST NOW YOU RAT BASTARD TELL ME WHERE SHE'S HIDING
Cavaradossi: Whoa, girl; calm your exceptionally nice tits. She was here to pray and I painted her. That's all.
Tosca: ... you promise?
Cavaradossi: I promise.
Tosca: [whining] But now she's staring at meeeee and I don't like iiiiiiit
Cavaradossi: You are literally the craziest person I have ever met.
Tosca: But her eyes –
Cavaradossi: – are nowhere near as beautiful as yours. [mesmerized] Your black, shining eyes... filled with all the secrets of the nether-world... one could almost get lost in them forever...
The Audience: Jesus Christ, someone get the holy water.
Tosca: [hugging Cavaradossi] Aww, you say the sweetest things sometimes.
Cavaradossi: [waking from his trance] What? I didn't say anything.
Tosca: Okay, I guess I'll leave now. But can you do me a favor and paint her eyes black, like mine?
Cavaradossi: You're crazy and jealous and apparently feel the need to interfere with my work, but I love you!
The Audience: That doesn't really answer her question.
Tosca: You would forgive me for my jealousy if you knew how it tormented me inside! Sometimes I get so upset that I black out and wake up hours later in a field – naked, covered in blood, and surrounded by eviscerated livestock!
Cavaradossi: That might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.
The Audience: Holy water. HOLY WATER.
Tosca: But it only happens because I just LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Cavaradossi: I LOVE YOU TOO
[They embrace.]
Tosca: GODDAMMIT MARIO YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR
Cavaradossi: Sorry. Can I finish painting now?
Tosca: Of course – just promise me that no women of any hair color whatsoever will come and pray here!
Cavaradossi: That's not something I really have much control over, but... sure?
Tosca: Good. See you tonight!
[She starts to go.]
Tosca: Oh, and don't forget to paint her eyes black!
Cavaradossi: YES THANK YOU PLEASE LEAVE NOW
[They give each other a quick kiss and Tosca finally leaves. Once she's gone, Cavaradossi hurries over to the chapel and lets Angelotti out again.]
Cavaradossi: Sorry about that.
Angelotti: She seems a bit... clingy.
Cavaradossi: You've got no idea. And she tells her priest literally everything in confession, so I thought it would be best to leave her in the dark about this.
Angelotti: Yeah, keeping secrets from your jealous and easily-angered girlfriend seems like the most logical course of action here.
Cavaradossi: Shut up. So what's your plan?
Angelotti: Well, I either need to hide somewhere or to get out of Rome. My sister, the Marchesa Attavanti, left some women's clothes in the chapel so I could disguise myself.
Cavaradossi: Oh, so that's why she's been coming here so often.
Angelotti: Yuuup. She took a pretty big risk, helping me escape from Scarpia and all that.
Cavaradossi: Scarpia! That asshole of a baron who likes to torture men and seduce women!
The Audience: He's gonna be a baritone, isn't he.
Puccini: How'd you guess?
Cavaradossi: But seriously, you can't stay here until nighttime. There's a path behind the rectory that leads through some fields and straight to my villa – you can hide there. [handing Angelotti a key] This will get you inside, and I'll be there as soon as I can. If there's any trouble, you can hide in the well – there's a secret room about halfway down.
Angelotti: Awesome. [fetching the dress from the chapel] Should I wear this?
Cavaradossi: No need. The path is usually deserted at this time of day.
Angelotti: Aww, but I wanted to be pretty!
Cavaradossi: Fiiiiine, you can play dress-up. But make it quick, okay? It probably won't be long before they discover that –
[A cannon sounds in the distance.]
Cavaradossi: – you've escaped. Fuuuuuck.
Angelotti: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the cannon at the prison.
Cavaradossi: Okay, we need to get you out of here before Scarpia and his henchmen show up. I'll come along, just in case you run into any trouble!
[They rush out. The sacristan enters.]
Sacristan: HEY MISTER PAINTER I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS
[He looks around and sees that he's alone.]
Sacristan: Oh, for the love of – he's gone again? That painting's never gonna get finished. [sighing] And I wish I could see his face when he hears the news! After all, anyone who ruins a heathen's day is granted an indulgence!
The Audience: Shouldn't you treat him with respect and love? You know, like Jesus would?
Sacristan: That sounds like filthy Protestant talk to me.
[Various priests, altar boys, and children's choir members enter in a hurry.]
The Chorus: WHAT'S GOING ON
Sacristan: Wonderful news! Napoleon has just been defeated by the Austrian army!
The Chorus: WOW REALLY TELL US MORE
Sacristan: When they write about this war in history books, the Battle of Marengo will forever be remembered as the final defeat of that uppity Corsican scumbag!
Historians in the Audience: [snicker]
The Chorus: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS
Sacristan: General Melas sent a messenger along with news of the battle! I mean, the battle wasn't technically over yet, but he was completely sure that the French army wouldn't possibly be able to turn their crushing defeat into a surprise victory!
Historians in the Audience: [guffaw]
Sacristan: And in celebration of this joyous occasion, we're going to be doing a full Te deum mass that starts in ten minutes, followed by a gala celebration at Palazzo Farnese and the premiere of a new cantata – presumably written in the past thirty minutes – starring Floria Tosca!
The Chorus: ooooooooh
Sacristan: Now go get ready for the mass!
The Chorus: LOL NO IT'S PARTY TIME
[And then the children run around screaming about how excited they are.]
The Audience: This is an entirely accurate depiction of how children behave in large groups.
Puccini: Thanks!
The Audience: That wasn't a compliment.
[The craziness continues until Scarpia enters, followed by several flunkies. Let's do a roll call!]
Spoletta: I'm Spoletta, Scarpia's right-hand man!
Sciarrone: And I'm Sciarrone, Scarpia's left-hand man!
Javert: AND I'M JAVERT – DO NOT FORGET MY NAME
Spoletta and Sciarrone: STOP FOLLOWING US
The Chorus: WOOOO WE'RE SO EXCITED AND STUFF
Scarpia: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS A CHURCH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
[Everyone cowers.]
Sacristan: Um... sorry. We're just really excited about the great news and stuff...
Scarpia: Everyone get out. Start preparing for the mass.
[The chorus departs quickly, and the sacristan prepares to leave as well.]
Scarpia: Except you.
Sacristan: [whimpers]
Scarpia: [to Spoletta] Search every corner. There has to be evidence somewhere.
Spoletta: Yes, sir!
Scarpia: [to Sciarrone and the others] Keep watch at the doors, but don't make it too obvious.
Sciarrone and the others: Yes, sir!
Scarpia: [to the sacristan] And you're going to answer my questions – but I want you to know in advance that this is a matter of national security. I will literally feed you your own entrails if you lie to me.
Sacristan: ... yes, sir.
Scarpia: A prisoner just escaped from the Castel Sant'Angelo, and we have reason to believe he hid here. Where is the Attavanti chapel?
Sacristan: [pointing] Over there! And the gate's open!
[They go inside. Scarpia returns, holding a fan.]
Scarpia: I'll have to find the jackass who fired off that cannon and torture him to death. Angelotti was here, but he must have known we were coming and run away. He must have had some help... but from whom?
[He paces, tapping the fan against his hand.]
Sacristan: Maybe from whoever left that fan in the chapel... ?
Scarpia: Oh, don't be ridiculous. This clearly belonged to Angelotti.
Sacristan: But... that's a lady's fan.
Scarpia: His predilection for dressing in women's clothing is widely known – and it's at least half the reason we arrested him in the first place.
Sacristan: It looks like there's a family crest on it.
Scarpia: [looking closer] HOLY CRAP THERE IS
The Audience: The world's greatest detective. Move over, Batman.
Scarpia: This belongs to the Marchesa Attavanti! [noticing the painting] And there she is! Thank god no one painted her eyes black, or I wouldn't have recognized her! [to the sacristan] Who painted that portrait?
Sacristan: Mario Cavaradossi.
Scarpia: Tosca's boyfriend? This might be an excellent opportunity to blackmail her into sleeping with me.
[One of the policemen comes out of the chapel, carrying Cavaradossi's empty food basket.]
Sacristan: The basket! It's empty!
Scarpia: So?
Sacristan: There was food in it for Cavaradossi, but it was full the last time I saw him!
Scarpia: Yeah, the funny thing about food is that it tends to disappear when people eat it.
Sacristan: But he said he wasn't hungry – and he didn't have a key to the chapel, either!
Scarpia: Well, I guess I'll just have to arrest this guy and bang his girlfriend. Work, work, work.
[Tosca enters.]
Scarpia: Speak of the devil! [stepping out of sight] I guess it's time to start Operation Manipulate a Jealous Girlfriend Into Helping Me Arrest Her Lover!
Tosca: MARIO WHERE ARE YOU
Sacristan: Who the hell knows? He just vanished, probably with the help of some heathen black magic.
Tosca: What? You're crazy.
[The sacristan exits. Scarpia steps out of his hiding place, dips his hand into the holy water basin, and offers some to Tosca.]
Scarpia: Care to bless yourself, my lady?
Tosca: Thank you! That's not remotely sketchy behavior at all!
Scarpia: It's nice to see someone like you coming to church with entirely pure intentions. Not like some other sluts I could mention.
Tosca: [eyes narrowing] What do you mean?
Scarpia: Well, there's a woman – who looks remarkably like the one in that painting, by the way – who's been coming her every day to meet her lover. [holds up the fan] She even left this among his paintbrushes!
[Tosca grabs the fan and notices the crest.]
Tosca: WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ATTAVANTI WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND
Scarpia: OH NO IS CAVARADOSSI YOUR BOYFRIEND I HAD NO IDEA THIS MUST BE SO UPSETTING FOR YOU
Tosca: I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I COULDN'T GO TO HIS LOVE-SHACK TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ATTEND THE ROYAL GALA BUT I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY BONING SOME PRETTY BLONDE BITCH
Scarpia: [to himself] This is way easier than anticipated. It's like taking candy from a fish, or shooting babies in a barrel, or however those sayings go.
Tosca: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE
Scarpia: I'm sorry to see you're so upset – is there anything I can do comfort you?
The Audience: You are such a sleaze.
Scarpia: Yuuuuuuuup.
Tosca: HOW DARE HE TURN OUR SPECIAL PLACE INTO A SEEDY BROTHEL
Scarpia: YEAH THAT'S TERRIBLE I THINK YOU SHOULD GO THERE RIGHT NOW AND FIND HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM
Tosca: YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING MANIPULATED RIGHT NOW
[Tosca runs out. Scarpia signals for Spoletta to come over, and people begin filing into church.]
Scarpia: Follow her. She'll lead you straight to Cavaradossi and Angelotti.
Spoletta: [in a singsong voice] Weeeeee're following the diva, the diva, the diva –
Scarpia: Shut up. Meet me in my quarters at the Palazzo Farnese when you've found them.
Spoletta: Yes, sir.
[Spoletta exits. The mass begins, and the procession of cardinals, priests, and altar boys passes behind Scarpia.]
Puccini: You know, I'm a little concerned that Scarpia isn't villainous enough.
The Audience: Maybe you could give him a gloating monologue while the Te deum goes on in the background.
Puccini: You think?
The Audience: Oh, yeah. The juxtaposition of sacred and profane actions will make him seem so much more evil than he would on his own!
Puccini: ... you may have a point.
The Chorus: OH GOD YOU CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH
Scarpia: GO, TOSCA – FEEL MY VENOM PENETRATE YOUR BOSOM
Puccini: How's that?
The Audience: It's a good start. Try expanding on his lustful intentions.
The Chorus: PRAISE GOD'S NAME NOW AND FOREVER
Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND CAVARADOSSI TO HIS DEATH WHILE I SCREW HIS GIRLFRIEND
The Audience: Good, good.
Puccini: And now for the big finish!
Scarpia: TOSCA YOU MAKE ME FORGET GOD
Everyone: YAAAAY JESUS
Puccini: ... nailed it.
[End of Act I.]
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Pagliacci, Act II
Previous installment: Act I
Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.
The Audience: Brilliant plan.
Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!
The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.
[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]
Beppe: :(
[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]
Beppe: :( :( :(
[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]
The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW
Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP
The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!
Tonio: I hate you all so much.
The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY
[Beppe and Nedda enter.]
Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US
The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.
[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]
The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE
[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]
Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.
Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.
Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?
Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.
Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!
Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...
[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]
The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS
[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]
The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP
[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]
Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
The Chorus: GET SOME
Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.
[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]
Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE
Nedda: There's Arlecchino!
[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]
Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.
The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY
The Audience: Nooooope.
[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]
Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.
Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.
Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.
Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!
[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]
Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT
Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!
[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]
Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.
Tonio: But -- but --
[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]
Beppe: GTFO N00B
Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.
My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?
Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.
[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]
Nedda: Arlecchino!
Beppe: Colombina!
[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]
The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.
Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS
Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD
Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU
[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]
Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!
Nedda: YAAAAAY
[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]
Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP
Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT
Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES
[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]
Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!
Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!
[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]
Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT
Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.
[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]
Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW
Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?
Canio: Yuuuuuuup.
Nedda: Why are you home early?
Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?
Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.
[Tonio steps out of the closet.]
R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.
Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL
Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP
The Chorus: oh shit
Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: Whose name?
Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE
The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?
Silvio: Yuuuuup.
Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --
Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY
Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW
Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.
Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!
Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.
Chorus Men: SHUT IT
Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN
Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?
The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER
Nedda: ... fuck.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.
Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU
Nedda: Kinda, yeah.
Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME
Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!
Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME
Nedda: APPARENTLY
Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE
Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.
Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?
Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?
[Canio pulls out a knife.]
The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]
Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.
Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF
Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER
The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW
[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]
Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK
The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING
Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS
Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...
[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]
The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.
Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO
Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.
[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]
Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.
[Silvio and Nedda both die.]
The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.
The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.
The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE
The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.
Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED
The Chorus: ...
The Audience: ...
The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE
[End of the opera.]
Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.
The Audience: Brilliant plan.
Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!
The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.
[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]
Beppe: :(
[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]
Beppe: :( :( :(
[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]
The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW
Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP
The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!
Tonio: I hate you all so much.
The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY
[Beppe and Nedda enter.]
Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US
The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.
[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]
The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE
[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]
Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.
Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.
Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?
Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.
Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!
Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...
[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]
The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS
[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]
The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP
[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]
Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
The Chorus: GET SOME
Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.
[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]
Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE
Nedda: There's Arlecchino!
[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]
Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.
The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY
The Audience: Nooooope.
[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]
Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.
Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.
Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.
Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!
[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]
Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT
Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!
[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]
Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.
Tonio: But -- but --
[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]
Beppe: GTFO N00B
Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.
My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?
Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.
[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]
Nedda: Arlecchino!
Beppe: Colombina!
[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]
The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.
Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS
Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD
Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU
[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]
Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!
Nedda: YAAAAAY
[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]
Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP
Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT
Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES
[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]
Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!
Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!
[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]
Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT
Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.
[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]
Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW
Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?
Canio: Yuuuuuuup.
Nedda: Why are you home early?
Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?
Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.
[Tonio steps out of the closet.]
R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.
Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL
Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP
The Chorus: oh shit
Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: Whose name?
Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE
The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?
Silvio: Yuuuuup.
Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --
Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY
Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW
Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.
Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!
Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.
Chorus Men: SHUT IT
Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN
Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?
The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER
Nedda: ... fuck.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.
Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU
Nedda: Kinda, yeah.
Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME
Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!
Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME
Nedda: APPARENTLY
Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE
Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.
Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?
Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?
[Canio pulls out a knife.]
The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]
Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.
Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF
Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER
The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW
[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]
Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK
The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING
Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS
Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...
[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]
The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.
Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO
Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.
[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]
Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.
[Silvio and Nedda both die.]
The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.
The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.
The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE
The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.
Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED
The Chorus: ...
The Audience: ...
The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE
[End of the opera.]
Monday, June 17, 2013
Pagliacci, Act I
Pagliacci
An
absolute shit-show in two acts (Act II)
Music
and Libretto: Ruggero Leoncavallo
[Prologue:
Tonio, the scheming hunchback, steps in front of the curtain and
directly addresses the audience.]
The
Audience: Hey,
why do hunchbacks in
opera always have to be morally bankrupt?
Leoncavallo:
Because their outer ugliness
represents their twisted souls?
The
Audience: You're an asshole.
Tonio:
EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN
The
Audience: ...
Tonio:
That's better. [bowing] Allow me to introduce myself –
I'm the Prologue!
The
Audience: Hi!
Tonio:
Soooo here's the deal. Usually, when someone recites a prologue
for the audience, it's full of a bunch of "don't worry if bad
stuff happens onstage because none of it is real" bullshit.
Well, I'm here to tell you that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING CASE ANYMORE.
This is a true fucking story and Leoncavallo poured his heart and
soul into composing this shit and every emotion you see and hear
onstage tonight is ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT REAL. Tears? Real.
Anger? Real. Murder in a fit of jealous rage? YOU BETTER
FUCKING BELIEVE IT'S REAL.
The
Audience: Wait. Are you telling us that someone is actually,
literally going to get murdered onstage tonight?
Tonio:
I'M NOT DONE YET SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tonight, you assholes are
going to learn that actors and singers and performers are real people
with real emotions who feel the same things that you do.
The
Audience: Yeah, we're already aware of that.
Tonio:
... you are?
The
Audience: Yeah. It's not a hard concept to grasp.
Tonio:
Oh. Shit.
[Awkward
silence.]
Tonio:
THEN LET'S GET ON WITH THE FUCKING SHOW
[He
leaves. The curtain rises.]
The
Audience: Well, that was weird.
[Act
I: A village in Calabria, some time during the
mid-nineteenth century. A trumpet and a drum are heard offstage. A
chorus of villagers enters.]
The
Chorus: OH SHIT THE CLOWNS ARE COMING YAAAAAAY THEY'RE SO AWESOME
The
Audience: Sorry, but no. Clowns are fucking terrifying.
The
Chorus: WE LOVE THIS TROUPE OF TRAVELING PERFORMERS BECAUSE THEY
MAKE US MOMENTARILY FORGET THAT OUR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING
The
Audience: Oh. Well, that makes a bit more sense.
[The
performers enter on a large cart, each dressed as a character from
the Commedia dell'Arte. Tonio is dressed as Taddeo, the buffoon;
Beppe and Nedda are dressed as the lovers Arlecchino and Colombina,
respectively; lastly, Nedda's husband Canio is dressed as Pagliaccio,
who is Colombina's cuckolded husband.]
Leoncavallo:
See, their roles in the show mirror their roles in real life!
The
Audience: Yeah, that's great.
Leoncavallo:
Except Beppe, because fuck that guy.
Canio:
Thank you, good townsfolk –
Chorus
Men: YAAAAAAAY ARLECCHINO AND COLOMBINA OTP 4EVER
Chorus
Women: WHY WOULD YOU SHIP THEM IT'S SO BORING AND CANON
Canio:
Uh... guys?
Chorus
Men: SHUT UP THEY'RE ADORABLE
Chorus
Women: NUH UH PAGLIECCHINO IS THE ONLY PAIRING THAT MAKES ANY
SENSE IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT
Canio:
[banging on a drum] WOULD YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP WITH YOUR
FANDOM BULLSHIT
The
Chorus: [covering their ears] JESUS CHRIST THAT'S LOUD
[Canio
keeps banging on the drum.]
The
Chorus: DEAR GOD OUR EARS ARE
BLEEDING
[Canio
stops.]
Canio:
Are you guys gonna let me talk
now?
The
Chorus: AHAHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY
The
Audience: No, it wasn't. You
people are morons.
The
Chorus: LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE
HAS TO SAY
Canio:
OKAY I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE
ILLITERATE HICKS SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT
The
Chorus: Thanks!
Canio:
WE'RE PUTTING ON A REALLY
FUCKING AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT WITH ALL KINDS OF WACKY HIJINX AND
YOU'LL LAUGH AND CRY AND IT'LL BE AMAZING SO Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING BE
THERE
The
Chorus: WOOOOOO
[Tonio
tries to help Nedda down from the cart, but Canio shoves him away.]
Canio:
DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE
The
Chorus: HA HA EVERYONE LAUGH AT
THE CRIPPLED GUY
Tonio:
Fuck you guys.
The
Audience: No, but seriously.
Y'all are assholes.
Random
Villager 1: HEY CANIO COME
DRINK WITH US
Canio:
OKAY
Beppe:
I'LL COME TOO
Canio:
How about you, Tonio?
Tonio:
I'll be along soon; I have to
clean the donkey first.
The
Audience: Is that supposed to
be taken literally or as some sort of euphemism?
Leoncavallo:
… can it be both?
Random
Villager 2: Watch out, Canio!
He's only staying behind so he can bang your hot wife!
[Everyone
laughs.]
Canio:
AHAHAHAHA
YEAH THAT'S REALLY FUNNY but if you say that to me again I'll break
your fucking nose.
Random
Villager 2: Calm
down, man. It was just a joke.
Canio:
It's
all well and good when Nedda takes a different lover onstage, because
that's what's supposed to happen and everyone thinks it's funny. But
if I ever found out she had a lover in real life, I'd probably have a
serious mental breakdown and murder them both in the most public way
possible.
The
Chorus: …
wait, seriously?
Canio:
But
I'd never actually do that, because Nedda would never
cheat on me!
Nedda:
HA
HA YEAH TOTALLY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND NOT REMOTELY HOT IN
ANY WAY
[Suddenly,
bagpipes are heard playing offstage.]
The
Chorus: OH MAN THE BAGPIPES I
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH NOW
The
Audience: … wait, there are
Italian bagpipes?
Canio:
JUST REMEMBER TO COME TO OUR
SHOW TONIGHT
The
Chorus: WE ARE BELLS NOW DING
DONG DING DONG
The
Audience: This is stupid.
The
Chorus: AND ALL THE TEENAGERS
WANT TO MAKE OUT ON THE WAY TO CHURCH BECAUSE THAT'S APPARENTLY A
THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD
[Canio
exits with Beppe and the villagers. Nedda stays behind.]
Nedda:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck
fuckity fuck he suspects I'm having an affair and he's probably going
to kill me OH GOD WHAT DO I DO
The
Audience: Well, you should
probably keep calm and think about how you can get out of this
dangerous situation.
Nedda:
Actually, I think I'm just
going to waste my time wishing I could turn into a bird.
The
Audience: [facepalm]
Nedda:
BIRDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY GO
WHEREVER THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NOTHING CAN STOP
THEM
The
Audience: Except bigger birds.
Or lightning, for that matter.
Nedda:
SHUT UP IT'S MY DAYDREAM AND I
CAN DO WHAT I WANT
[Tonio
enters and listens to her.]
Nedda:
UP IN THE SKY – IT'S A BIRD –
IT'S A PLANE – NO WAIT IT'S DEFINITELY A BIRD BECAUSE PLANES
HAVEN'T BEEN INVENTED YET
The
Audience: You're crazy.
[Nedda
starts to leave and notices Tonio watching her.]
Nedda:
JESUS TONIO WHY ARE YOU SUCH A
CREEPER
Tonio:
It's not my fault! You're so
hot that I can't control my own actions!
Nedda:
You're gross.
Tonio:
NO I'M NOT I'M THE NICEST GUY
EVER AND YOU'RE JUST REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU HATE HUNCHBACKS
Nedda:
No, I'm rejecting you because
you're an asshole who won't stop sexually harassing me even though
I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested and I'm also married
to your boss.
Tonio:
COME ON STOP FRIENDZONING ME
Nedda:
First of all, the friend zone
is made-up bullshit. Second, I don't even want to be your friend, so
please fuck off already.
Tonio:
WHATEVER YOU'RE JUST A BITCH
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY
Nedda:
Just leave before I call Canio
and he beats the hell out of you.
Tonio:
HE WON'T GET HERE BEFORE I GET
SOME
[Tonio
attempts to grab Nedda and kiss her. Nedda grabs a whip left by the
cart and whacks Tonio in the face.]
The
Audience: Boom. Headshot.
Nedda:
MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER CHECK
YOURSELF BEFORE I WRECK
YOU
Tonio:
[running away]
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE
Nedda:
What a fucking asshole.
[Enter
Silvio, Nedda's secret lover.]
Silvio:
Nedda!
Nedda:
WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY
Silvio:
You
worry too much. Canio's at the tavern, and I made sure no one saw me
on my way here!
Nedda:
Yeah,
well. If you'd gotten here any sooner, Tonio would have seen you.
Silvio:
Whatever.
Tonio's just an idiot.
Nedda:
And
an attempted rapist.
Silvio:
Jesus
Christ. Are you okay?
Nedda:
Yeah,
I'm fine. I hit him in the face with a whip.
Silvio:
That's
my girl.
[They
embrace.]
Silvio:
Soooo since your life with the
traveling circus sucks so much, how about running away with me?
Nedda:
You know I can't.
Silvio:
Come
onnnnnnnn
you don't even love Canio and you never have so why are you still
with him and why don't you want to run away and don't you love
meeeeeeeeeeee
The
Audience: Jesus.
Are all
the men in this opera crazy, needy, or some combination of the above?
Leoncavallo:
Yeah,
pretty much.
Nedda:
It's
too dangerous, darling. It would be better for us to part ways and
pretend this never happened.
[Tonio
enters, unseen.]
Silvio:
THEN
YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE
Tonio:
[to himself]
She's cheating on Canio? Time to get my Iago on!
[He
runs off.]
Nedda:
Of course
I love you, Silvio!
Silvio:
BUT YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE AND I'M
GONNA BE SAD
Nedda:
But –
Silvio:
I DON'T BELIEVE
IN LIFE AFTER LOVE
I
CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY
I
REALLY DON'T THINK I'M STRONG ENOUGH
Nedda:
Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine,
I'll run away with you and we'll live happily ever after and stuff.
Silvio:
Really?
Nedda:
Really.
[They
start making out as Tonio and Canio arrive, hidden in the shadows.]
The
Audience: He moves pretty
quickly for a hunchback.
Silvio:
[to Nedda]
Meet me at midnight, and then we can be together forever!
The
Audience: That's not even
remotely ominous wording.
Nedda:
Yes, I'll be yours forever!
Canio:
A-HA
Nedda:
OH SHIT IT'S MY HUSBAND –
RUUUUUUUN
[Tonio
and Canio emerge from their hiding place, but Silvio escapes before
Canio can see his face. Canio chases him off.]
Canio:
[offstage] WHERE
ARE YOU GODDAMMIT
[Tonio
laughs.]
Nedda:
Is this your fault?
Tonio:
Yuuuuuuuuuup.
Nedda:
This is low, even for you.
Tonio:
It serves you right, harlot.
Nedda:
Fuck yourself.
[Canio
re-enters.]
Canio:
WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT
Nedda:
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
Canio:
[drawing his knife] TELL
ME HIS NAME OR I'LL KILL YOU
Nedda:
Not gonna happen.
[Canio
raises his knife to stab her, but Beppe rushes in and stops him.]
Beppe:
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN PUT
DOWN THE KNIFE
Canio:
NEVER
Beppe:
THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE COMING AND
THE SHOW STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES
Canio:
TELL ME HIS NAME
Beppe:
CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO GET
READY
[Tonio
takes Canio off to one side as Beppe talks to Nedda.]
Nedda:
Are we seriously going to do a
show after he just tried to kill me?
Beppe:
Oh, you know Canio. He'll calm
down soon enough.
Nedda:
And what if he doesn't?
Beppe:
It's not like he'll try
anything with the whole town watching. Come on – what could go
wrong?
The
Audience: [groan]
[Nedda
exits.]
Canio:
[to Tonio]
What the fuck am I gonna do now?
Tonio:
Just stay calm and get ready
for the show. Nedda's lover will probably be there, so maybe you can
kill two birds with one knife!
The
Audience: You mean stone.
Tonio:
I know what I mean.
Beppe:
COME ON YOU GUYS GET DRESSED
ALREADY
[Tonio
and Beppe exit. Canio begins to get ready.]
Canio:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PERFORM
WHEN I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME OH GOD MY WHOLE LIFE
IS RUINED
[He
starts putting on his makeup and costume.]
At Least a Quarter of the Audience:
Ohhhh, we get it now! This is
that opera about the sad clown, isn't it?
Everyone Else: Oh,
for fuck's sake.
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