Il trovatore, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: The Son of the Gypsy Woman

Scene I: The Count di Luna's camp, outside the walls of Castellor. There are a bunch of soldiers sitting around and gambling. Ferrando enters.

The Soldiers: BOY WE SURE DO LOVE FUCKING AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING OUR JOBS

Ferrando: You guys are assholes. Why aren't you helping with the siege?

The Soldiers: We'll join the fight when we're needed.

[A group of archers walks across the stage.]

The Archers: … oh god … so much blood …

The Soldiers: See? They can handle it just fine.

Ferrando: Well, the Count has decided that we're storming the castle tomorrow morning. Participation is mandatory.

The Soldiers: But we don't wannaaaaaaa

Ferrando: Tough shit. On a happier note, we have reason to believe that Castellor holds a significant amount of booty, which will be ours for the taking once we get inside.

The Soldiers: This booty of which you speak. Is it, perchance, rockin' errywhere?

Ferrando: To the best of my knowledge, it's mostly just sitting there. But there's a fuckload of it!

The Soldiers: WOOO THEN LET'S GO GET SOME

Everyone: SOUND THE TRUMPET MOTHERFUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S GO TIME

[They run offstage to start preparing for the assault. The Count enters, looking broody.]

Di Luna: I SEE YOU OCCUPYING CASTELLOR WITH THE GIRL I LOVE

AND I'M LIKE “FUCK YOUUUU”

The Audience: Ooh ooh ooh!

Di Luna: There's only one solution to my problem – I need to storm the castle and murder everyone before Leonora can marry Manrico!

The Audience: Everyone?

Di Luna: Well, everyone except Leonora. Obviously.

[There's a commotion offstage. Ferrando rushes in.]

Ferrando: SIR OUR SENTRIES CAUGHT A GYPSY

Di Luna: OH MAN I HATE GYPSIES

Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT

Di Luna: What was she doing?

Ferrando: She was lurking around the edges of the camp like a total creeper, so she's clearly a spy. Also, she's probably a witch because that's how gypsies roll.

Di Luna: Well, duh.

[Several soldiers drag Azucena onstage.]

Azucena: GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS

Di Luna: Bring her over here so that we can see her face better, for reasons that have no significance whatsoever to the plot.

The Audience: Does she look familiar, Ferrando?

Ferrando: Not particularly. Why do you ask?

The Audience: No reason.

Di Luna: What were you doing skulking around our camp?

Azucena: Nothing. I'm a gypsy; we wander.

Di Luna: Bullshit. Where do you come from?

Azucena: I live in the mountains near Biscay.

Di Luna: A gypsy from Biscay? That sounds vaguely familiar for some reason.

Ferrando: Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

Azucena: I was perfectly happy there until my ungrateful son abandoned me to chase after some hussy, so now I'm stalking him. Because that's what good parents do.

Ferrando: HOLY CRAP HER FACE

The Audience: Took you long enough, jackass.

Di Luna: Say, would you happen to know anything about a kidnapping that happened near Biscay about fifteen years ago?

Azucena: Nnnnnope. Definitely not.

The Audience: Wait – it's only been fifteen years?

Verdi: Yeah, why?

The Audience: So that means that Manrico is only, like... sixteen or seventeen?

Verdi: Apparently.

The Audience: Then why'd you write the role so that no one under thirty-five can sing it?

Verdi: Because fuck you, that's why.

Azucena: Sooooo why do you want to know about this abducted baby, anyway?

Di Luna: BECAUSE HE WAS MY BROTHER

Azucena: OH SHIT

Di Luna: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING

Azucena: I'M TOTALLY POSITIVE NOW CAN I GO FIND MY SON

Ferrando: NNNOPE

Azucena: OH NOOOO

Ferrando: SHE'S TOTALLY THE ONE WHO MURDERED YOUR BABY BROTHER

The Soldiers: WHAAAAAT

Di Luna: YEAH THANKS I HAD ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT

Azucena: IT'S NOT TRUE IT WASN'T ME

Di Luna: SHUT YOUR LYING GYPSY MOUTH

The Soldiers: YEAH

Azucena: MANRICOOOOOOOO PLEASE COME HELP YOUR POOR CAPTURED MOTHER

Di Luna: Holy shit. You're Manrico's mother?

Azucena: Yeah. Why?

The Audience: Aaaand you just gave Count di Luna some pretty major leverage against your son. Way to go, you dumb bitch.

Di Luna: Today just keeps getting better and better!

Azucena: LET ME GO

Di Luna: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Azucena: WELL GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE THAN YOUR FATHER WAS

The Audience: You know who else God's gonna punish? People who set babies on fire.

Azucena: You're not helping.

Di Luna: Soooo here's the plan. I'm gonna torture the shit out of you in front of the walls of Castellor, and then I'm going to burn you at the stake. And if your son wants to save you, he'll have to come out from behind those big strong walls and fight my whole goddamn army.

Azucena: … shit.

[Di Luna, overjoyed, starts doing a Happy Revenge Dance.]

Di Luna: Doot de doot de dooo

Gonna avenge my brother's murder

Bow chicka chicka haaaaay

The Audience: Hey, do you know what dramatic irony is?

Di Luna: Nnnnope.

The Audience: Yeah, we didn't think so.

[The Count resumes his dance.]

Ferrando and the Soldiers: HELL YEAH LET'S BUILD US A MOTHERFUCKING PYRE

[They drag Azucena offstage.]

Scene II: A hall in Castellor, where Manrico and Leonora are preparing for their wedding. Ruiz, Manrico's second-in-command and all-around BFF, is also present.

Leonora: [looking out the window] I hear the sounds of battle! What's going on?

Manrico: Uh... did you miss the part where the Count di Luna and his entire fucking army are laying siege to the city?

Leonora: Apparently.

Manrico: Wow. Good thing I'm not marrying you for your brains.

Leonora: What?

Manrico: Nothing. In any case, I'm expecting them to mount a full-scale assault tomorrow morning.

Leonora: Oh noooooooo

Manrico: But it's okay! We'll triumph anyway – they may be a larger, stronger, better-equipped force, but we have justice on our side!

The Audience: Yeah, that's gonna work out great for you.

Manrico: Well, justice and some pretty huge walls. Yes sir, as long as we stay inside the castle and don't do anything stupid – like, say, going out and engaging them in open combat – there's no way we can lose!

The Audience: [sigh]

Manrico: [to Ruiz] Anyway, I'm just going to leave the entire defense of the castle in your capable hands.

Ruiz: But... you're the commander.

Manrico: Don't sass me, Ruiz. I'm about to get married! That's much more important than making sure we all survive the coming onslaught.

Ruiz: grumble grumble

[Ruiz leaves.]

Leonora: You know, maybe we don't have to get married right this instant. All this talk of war and stuff is kinda killing the mood.

The Audience: In a manner of speaking.

Manrico: Hush, darling. Just let the men-folk worry about that.

Leonora: And what should I think about instead?

Manrico: You know, womanly things. Love and rainbows and unicorns and stuff. Better yet, think about how lucky you are to be marrying a sixteen-year-old paragon of manliness like me!

Leonora: But –

Manrico: Oh, and there's a pretty significant possibility that I might die in battle. But if I do, just remember that I'm doing it for you!

Leonora: Yeah, that'll be a huge comfort when the Count di Luna kidnaps me and forces me to marry him. Thanks.

Manrico: Any time!

[An organ starts playing. Apparently they're next to the chapel or something.]

Leonora and Manrico: WOOO IT'S TIME TO GET MARRIED

[Ruiz rushes in.]

Ruiz: MANRICO THEY'VE CAPTURED THE GYPSY WOMAN

Manrico: Lots of gypsies are women. Which one are you talking about?

Ruiz: THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS TO THE PLOT

Manrico: OH SHIT

Ruiz: THEY'VE BUILT A PYRE AND THEY'RE GETTING READY TO THROW HER ONTO IT

Manrico: [running to the window] FUUUUUUUCK

Leonora: Why the hell do you care? Nobody even likes gypsies.

The Audience: Rude.

Manrico: YEAH BUT THIS ONE'S MY MOM

Leonora: Whaaaaaaaaaat

The Audience: Well... technically, she's not.

Manrico: RUIZ GO GATHER OUR SOLDIERS

[Ruiz runs out.]

Manrico: I'M GOING TO GO RESCUE MY MOTHER FROM THAT HORRIBLE PYRE EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS COMPLETELY ABANDONING MY ONE AND ONLY STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE

Leonora: Honey... no offense, but that's a terrible idea.

Manrico: I'M SORRY LEONORA I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY – “MOTHERS BEFORE LOVERS”

Leonora: … I don't think that's a thing that anyone says.

The Audience: AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL MOM

[Ruiz re-enters with a bunch of soldiers.]

Manrico: WHO'S READY FOR A SUICIDE MISSION

The Soldiers: THOUGH WE DIE IN COMBAT GORY

WE SHALL LIVE IN SONG AND STORY

WE GO TO IMMORTALITYYYYY

[Manrico and his men rush offstage to do battle.]

Leonora: Seriously? It's five minutes before our wedding, and you're just gonna abandon me?

Manrico: [offstage] YUUUUUP

[End of Act III.]

Next installment: Act IV

Il trovatore, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The Gypsy Woman

Scene I: A gypsy camp in the mountains, several weeks (or possibly months) after Act I. It's almost dawn, and the camp-dwellers are sitting around a fire. Azucena (an old gypsy woman) and Manrico are both present, and doing what all Verdi characters do best: brooding.

Verdi: To be fair, most of my characters also have a particular affinity for fits of jealous rage. And sometimes murder.

Me: Duly noted.

[As the sun rises, the gypsies begin to sing.]

The Chorus: IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE THE SUN SHINE BECAUSE IT'S KINDA LIKE WHEN A HOT WIDOW DECIDES THAT SHE'S OVER HER DEAD HUSBAND AND SHE NEEDS TO GET HERSELF A NEW MAN SO SHE STARTS DRESSING ALL SLUTTY AGAIN AND EVERYONE IN TOWN IS LIKE “DAAAAMN” AND SHE'S LIKE “YEAH YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS”

The Audience: … is that a thing that happens often?

The Chorus: NOT VERY OFTEN WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO APPRECIATE IT WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN

The Audience: You people are weird.

The Chorus: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YOU PEOPLE”

The Audience: Nothing. Keep singing.

The Chorus: WELL NOW THAT THE SUN HAS RISEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

The Audience: No.

The Chorus: IT'S HAMMERTIME

[And then they all start pounding on anvils for no goddamn reason. Like... they're not in a blacksmith's shop and they don't have forges or anything. They just want to make some fucking noise.]

The Chorus: LA LA LA ANVIL CHORUS LA LA LA

The Audience: It's a catchy tune, though.

Verdi: I know, right?

The Chorus: THE ONLY THING WE LIKE MORE THAN POINTLESS HAMMERING IS HOT GYPSY BITCHES

The Audience: Is this at all relevant to the plot?

Verdi: Are chorus scenes ever relevant to the plot?

The Audience: … touché.

The Chorus: OH AND BOOZE

WE ALSO LIKE BOOZE

[Then Azucena gets up and totally bums everyone out by singing about death and stuff.]

Azucena: THEY THREW MY MOM IN A BURNING RING OF FIRE

SHE WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER

AND IT BURNED, BURNED, BURNED

THE RING OF FIIIIIRE

THE RING OF FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE

The Audience: So she's the daughter of the gypsy woman that Captain Whatshisname was singing about in Act I?

Verdi: Yuuup.

The Chorus: Way to kill the mood, Azucena. Now we're all hella depressed.

Azucena: You're depressed? I saw my own mother get burned at the stake, you assholes. I had to avenge her death and stuff.

[She looks meaningfully at Manrico.]

Manrico: Could you maybe stop giving me creepy looks when you talk about vengeance? It's kinda wigging me out.

Azucena: Nnnnnope.

An Old Gypsy Man: Okay, folks. It's time to get to work.

[And then everyone gets up and leaves, further proving the utter pointlessness of their short-lived anvil-banging schtick. No one seems to be a metal-worker by trade, so why the fuck do they keep anvils and hammers around? It literally serves no purpose whatsoever, except to give Leonora and Count di Luna three more minutes offstage.]

Di Luna: Bitch, this is some heavy-ass singing. We need all the rest we can get.

Verdi: Oh, stop being such a pussy.

[Once Manrico and Azucena are alone onstage, he starts pestering her.]

Manrico: Sooo can you explain that story you were telling earlier?

Azucena: It's pretty goddamn self-explanatory. The last Count di Luna had my mom burned at the stake for witchcraft.

Manrico: Seriously? That's rough.

Azucena: Yeah, jackass. How is it that you've never heard this story before? It was pretty much the defining moment of both of our lives.

The Audience: So, wait. Is she his mother or something?

Verdi: Yes. No. Kinda.

The Audience: What? She's either his mother or she isn't.

Verdi: JUST WATCH IT GETS EXPLAINED

Azucena: Sooo I was standing there, watching my mother get burned at the stake, and carrying my adorable infant son –

Manrico: And that was me?

Azucena: – yeah, I'm getting to that part. Anyway, when they lit the fire, she called to me and told me to avenge her death.

Manrico: Did she say anything else?

Azucena: “SWEET JESUS I CAN FEEL THE WRINKLED FLESH MELTING FROM MY BONES”

Manrico: Oh.

Azucena: And also screaming. There was a lot of screaming.

Manrico: I feel a little sick.

Azucena: Yeah, that happens. Anywho, I decided that I'd avenge my mother by stealing the Count's baby.

Manrico: That's kinda fucked up.

Azucena: Oh, you don't know the half of it. I stole the baby and made my way back to the fire, and suddenly I went a little crazy with bloodlust and threw the little bastard into the flames.

Manrico: Jesus Christ, mom. You killed a baby?

Azucena: And here's the kicker – when my vision cleared, I realized that I was still holding the Count's son! Turns out I threw my own child into the fire. Isn't that awkward?

The Audience: Soooo wait a minute. You were holding two babies, you decided to murder one, and you didn't bother to check which baby you were about to throw into a goddamn fire?

Azucena: Yeah, it was a pretty big slip-up. Boy, was my face red.

The Audience: You know what else turned red? Your son. And then he turned black. And then he turned into ash and fucking bone.

Azucena: It was an honest mistake!

Manrico: Sooo... I'm assuming I was born a few years later or something?

Azucena: Nope, he was my only child.

Manrico: … so you're telling me that you're not only a murderer of children, but that you're also not my real mother?

Azucena: Hey, I never said that. I took care of you! I raised you! That counts for way more than conceiving you, carrying you, and pushing you out my birth canal. You are – and always will be – my true son.

The Audience: That's pretty cold comfort, considering how you treated the other one.

Azucena: Shut the fuck up.

Manrico: … okay, I'm confused.

The Audience: Big surprise.

Azucena: Of course you are. Strong, handsome, and intelligent was clearly too much to ask for.

Manrico: But –

Azucena: Listen – I'm old and crazy and my mind was such a jumble at the time of the baby-killing that I'm honestly not sure which child I threw to its horrific death. Don't pay any attention to my ramblings. Just think – haven't I been a good mother to you?

Manrico: [sighing] Yes, mother.

Azucena: And didn't I feed you and clothe you and stuff?

Manrico: Yes, mother.

Azucena: And didn't I drag your wounded ass off that battlefield –

The Audience: Wait, there was a battle? When the hell did that happen?

Verdi: It happened between acts.

The Audience: This is why we can't have nice things.

Azucena: – after the current Count di Luna kicked your ass and left you for dead?

Manrico: moooooooooooooom you're embarrassing meeeeeee

Azucena: Well, someone needs to tend to your wounds and keep you from dying.

Manrico: It wasn't my fault! All the other soldiers ran away and left me to fight di Luna's army on my own!

Azucena: Everyone else fled and you didn't?

Manrico: Because I'm brave!

Azucena: Because you're a fucking moron. And a terrible commanding officer, apparently.

Manrico: Sad face.

Azucena: This is why you should have killed that asshole of a count when you had the chance!

The Audience: Did this happen between acts, too?

Verdi: Kinda. It's from the end of Act I, just after the curtain fell.

The Audience: [growls]

Manrico: I know I should have killed him, but I just couldn't! There was some mystical force that held me back and told me to show him mercy!

The Audience: It's almost like he's your brother or something.

Verdi: SHHH YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT UNTIL THE VERY END

The Audience: Seriously? Because she pretty much just told him that he was the old count's son. The fact that he hasn't put two and two together yet is only a testament to how fucking stupid he is.

Verdi: grumble grumble

Azucena: Look, all I'm saying is that if you ever get the chance again, you need to kill that motherfucker until he's dead.

[A horn sounds offstage. Manrico replies with a blast on his own horn (not a euphemism). A messenger enters, carrying a letter.]

Messenger: I COME BEARING NEWS OF WAR AND STUFF

[He hands Manrico a letter.]

Manrico: [reading] “Dear Manrico,

Our kickass rebel army has captured the town of Castellor, and the prince has selected you to defend it! This task is of the utmost importance to our cause, so please make sure that absolutely nothing distracts you from this goal. Go directly to Castellor. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred doubloons.

Your pal,

Ruiz

PS – Remember your beloved Leonora? Well, she thinks you died in battle and so she's joining a convent tonight.”

The Audience: Sooo you tell him not to get distracted from this mission, and then you include the one piece of information that is absolutely sure to make him ignore his orders. Great job, Ruiz.

Manrico: AHHH I HAVE TO GO STOP HER

Azucena: NO YOU JACKASS YOUR WOUNDS ARE STILL HEALING

Manrico: I WILL DIE OF A BROKEN HEART IF I CAN'T MARRY HER

Azucena: YOU'LL DIE OF RAPID EXSANGUINATION IF YOU POP YOUR STITCHES

Manrico: TOTALLY WORTH IT

Azucena: DON'T LEAVE ME I'M JUST A FRAIL OLD GYPSY WOMAN AND ALSO DEFINITELY YOUR BIRTH MOTHER

The Audience: NO SHE'S NOT

Azucena: FUCK OFF

Manrico: I'M SORRY MOM I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE LEONORA MORE

[He exits.]

Azucena: Fuuuuuuck.

[Scene II: A convent, conveniently located near the town the rebels just captured. The Count di Luna enters with Ferrando and several soldiers.]

Di Luna: Okay. We're all clear on the plan, right?

Ferrando: You're going to kidnap a woman who would rather be celibate for the rest of her life than have sex with you. And then you're going to force her to marry you.

Di Luna: Well... when you put it like that, it sounds kinda douche-y.

Ferrando: Little bit.

Di Luna: Shut up. I finally kill that asshole Manrico, and just when I think there's nothing left to stop me from being with Leonora, the bitch decides to become a fucking nun! I mean, come on. Who does that?

Ferrando: The woman you're in love with, apparently.

Di Luna: [sighing] There's just something so attractive about the way she finds me utterly repugnant. And when I see her smile, I feel my soul ignite with a fiery passion that makes me want her even more!

Ferrando: … when was the last time she smiled at you?

Di Luna: SHUT THE FUCK UP FERRANDO

Ferrando: Yes, sir.

[The bells of the convent start ringing.]

Di Luna: OH SHIT THEY'RE COMING EVERYBODY HIDE

[Di Luna, Ferrando, and the soldiers conceal themselves in the shadows.]

Di Luna: Oh man, I'm gonna marry the hell out of this bitch. Not even God himself will prevent me from getting a piece of that ass!

The Audience: Again with the tempting fate. You can't say shit like that and expect things to work out in your favor.

[A group of nuns enter, leading Leonora and Inez toward the chapel.]

The Nuns: [offstage] YOUR HEART IS FULL OF SINFUL DESIRES BUT JOINING OUR ORDER WILL PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE YOU ENTRY INTO HEAVEN

The Audience: Yeah, that's not really how it works.

Leonora: Why the hell are you crying, Inez? You're not the one who's forsaking the world here.

Inez: [wailing] I'M JUST GONNA MISS YOU SO MUUUUUUCH

Leonora: Calm your tits. If anyone should be sad, it's me. With my true love dead, there's nothing in life that will ever make me happy again! I'm just going to shut myself within the walls of this convent and pray for the sweet release of death, which will reunite me with my beloved!

Di Luna: [stepping out of the shadows] Not if I have anything to say about it!

[Everyone gasps.]

The Nuns: OH HEAVENS IT'S THE COUNT

Ferrando: Nice dramatic timing, sir.

Di Luna: Thanks! [to Leonora] So hey, wanna get married?

Leonora: NO

Di Luna: Well, too bad. I like it so much that no power in heaven or hell will stop me from putting a ring on it!

[Manrico enters.]

Manrico: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Di Luna: GODDAMMIT THAT WAS MY LINE

Leonora: My beloved! Is it really you, or are you a vision sent from heaven?

Di Luna: AND ALSO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD

Manrico: I GOT BETTER

Di Luna: Well, we can fix that. Guards! Someone kill this asshole!

Manrico: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

[A bunch of Manrico's soldiers rush in and surround the Count and his guards.]

Manrico's Soldiers: LONG LIVE PRINCE URGEL

Di Luna: GODDAMMIT

Ferrando: Uh, we seem to be outnumbered. What do we do?

Di Luna: KILL EVERYONE EXCEPT LEONORA

Manrico's Soldiers: BRING IT BITCHES

Leonora: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON

[Chaos ensues as the curtain falls. End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III

Il trovatore, Act I

Il trovatore
Grand opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)

Music: Giuseppe Verdi
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano and Leone Emanuele Bardare
 

Act I: The Duel

[Scene I: A hall in the palace of Aliaferia, just outside the chambers of the Count di Luna. The count is loyal to the prince of Aragon, who is currently waging war against Urgel, a rebel with his own claim to the throne.]

The Audience: And which side are we supposed to sympathize with?

Verdi: Well, di Luna is the baritone, sooo...

The Audience: Urgel all the way. Gotcha.

[Ferrando, di Luna's captain of the guard, is waiting in the hallway. A chorus of retainers and soldiers is also present for some reason, because apparently he needs a whole fucking battalion to guard his room in the middle of the night.]

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOORED

Ferrando: Like I give a shit.

The Chorus: WE'RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP

Ferrando: NOOO THE COUNT NEEDS US TO BE VIGILANT WHILE HE'S OUT STALKING HIS BELOVED

The Chorus: Wait. He's not even here?

Ferrando: Nnnope. He's busy trying to look in Leonora's window and obsessing over the mysterious troubadour she loves instead of him.

The Chorus: ... so we're just guarding an empty room?

Ferrando: Yuuup.

The Chorus: Wow. What a dick.

Ferrando: Yeah, pretty much.

The Chorus: ...

Ferrando: ...

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOOOOORED

Ferrando: Oh, not this shit again.

The Chorus: TELL US A STOOORYYYY

Ferrando: I'm sorry, when exactly did you all turn into toddlers?

The Chorus: TELL US THE STORY OF GARZIA

Ferrando: FINE BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP

The Chorus: yaaaaaay

[Everyone gathers around as Ferrando begins his story.]

Ferrando: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a father who had two sons and they were all very happy.

The Audience: What about the mother?

Ferrando: She was dead or something.

The Audience: Shouldn't that have made them unhappy?

Ferrando: She was a bitch and they were happier without her. Now stop asking questions.

The Audience: Rude.

Ferrando: Oh, and also the father was the Count di Luna. That's kinda important.

The Audience: Sooo when you say "once upon a time," you really mean "last week."

Ferrando: Actually, this was the previous Count di Luna. The current count is his son.

The Audience: Oh. So who's Garzia?

Ferrando: He's the other son. The current count's brother.

The Audience: This is way more complicated than it needs to be.

Verdi: Oh, just wait. Y'all bitches ain't seen nothing yet.

Ferrando: So, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted --

The Audience: Eat a dick.

Ferrando: -- the father and his two sons were perfectly happy and content... until one day.

The Chorus: OH NO WHAT HAPPENED

Ferrando: One morning, Garzia's nurse awoke to find a strange figure in the room, leaning over the child's cradle!

The Chorus: OH SHIT WHO WAS IT

Ferrando: AN UGLY OLD GYPSY WOMAN

The Chorus: EWW GROSS

Ferrando: So the nurse screamed and servants came running and threw the old bitch out. She claimed to be reading the baby's fortune, but everyone knew that she was actually putting a curse on him because that's what gypsies do. You know, when they're not picking your pocket and stuff.

The Chorus: YEAH GYPSIES ARE ASSHOLES

The Audience: Okay, despite the blatant racism at work here, we have to admit that it's generally considered not cool to break into kids' bedrooms. So it's pretty understandable that people would get upset about that.

Ferrando: And then the child started getting sick, which proved that he was cursed! So the count sent out his soldiers to capture the old gypsy woman, and then they burned her at the stake for witchcraft!

The Audience: That, on the other hand, seems like an overreaction.

The Chorus: THE BITCH TOTALLY HAD IT COMING

The Audience: Of course. Because babies never get sick unless they're cursed.

Ferrando: But the story doesn't end there! The gypsy woman's daughter stole Garzia from his crib and threw him on her mother's pyre as an act of revenge on the count!

The Audience: Whoa. This got dark really quickly.

Ferrando: They found the child's blackened bones amid the smoldering remains of the pyre.

The Chorus: FUCKING EVIL GYPSIES

Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT

The Chorus: So how did the old count deal with his son getting char-broiled?

Ferrando: He pretty much went crazy from grief and died. But he still believed that Garzia was alive somewhere, and he made his remaining son promise to keep searching for his brother and the crazy gypsy woman.

The Chorus: But he was never found?

Ferrando: Of course not. He's dead and buried and there's no chance whatsoever that this story will be important later in the opera.

Verdi: Hint hint.

The Audience: Yeah, we got it.

The Chorus: And was the old gypsy's daughter ever found?

Ferrando: No, but I'm sure we'll catch her some day. I'd recognize that crazy bitch anywhere.

Verdi: Also hint hint.

The Audience: Shut up. You're as bad as Donizetti.

Verdi: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

The Chorus: WOO LET'S CATCH HER AND SEND HER TO HELL TO MEET HER MOM

Ferrando: Actually, some people believe that the old gypsy woman's spirit still haunts the castle, and she appears to people in various shapes to frighten them.

The Audience: Is this foreshadowing too?

Verdi: No, this part actually has no significance to the rest of the plot.

The Chorus: OH YEAH WE'VE SEEN HER FLYING AROUND IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL AND SOMETIMES A CROW

The Audience: Either that or you just saw normal birds.

The Chorus: NO IT WAS TOTALLY THE OLD GYPSY

Ferrando: AND ONE SERVANT DIED OF FRIGHT BECAUSE HE PUNCHED THE GYPSY IN THE FOREHEAD

The Chorus: THAT WAS RANDOM BUT OKAY SURE

Ferrando: SHE APPEARED TO HIM IN THE FORM OF AN OWL AND LOOKED AT THE MOON AND LET OUT A LOUD HOOT

The Audience: That's what owls do. It was just a normal fucking owl.

[The clock strikes midnight.]

Ferrando and the Chorus: AHHH MAY THAT OLD GYPSY BITCH BE CURSED FOREVER

[Everyone exits.]

The Audience: You people are morons.

[Scene II: The gardens of the palace. Leonora, a lady-in-waiting to the princess of Aragon, is waiting to see her lover. She's accompanied by her servant, Inez.]

Inez: CAN WE GO INSIDE YET

Leonora: NO I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MYSTERIOUS LOVER

Inez: BUT THE PRINCESS WANTS TO SEE YOU

Leonora: NOT UNTIL I SEE MY BELOVED

Inez: Seriously, though. Who is this troubadour guy and where did you meet him?

Leonora: At a tournament. He was a mysterious knight in dark armor and he kicked everyone's asses and I presented him with the crown of victory!

Inez: Sorry, I'm confused. Is he a knight or a troubadour?

Leonora: He's both.

Inez: That's stupid and so are you.

Leonora: Shut up. I didn't see him for a long time after the civil war broke out -- but one night, I heard someone in the garden playing a lute and singing a love song for me! And guess who it was!

Inez: The trouba-knight?

Leonora: EXACTLY

Inez: Okay, so... how much do you know about this guy, anyway?

Leonora: I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN LOVE AND NOTHING WILL EVER KEEP US APART

Verdi: Challenge accepted.

The Audience: No, but really. This bitch must have taken "Tempting Fate 101" at Lammermoor Community College, 'cause damn.

Inez: Look, just take my advice and stop seeing this guy because it's probably gonna end in tears.

Leonora: NOPE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HIM

The Audience: [facepalm]

Inez: Welllll if it all goes to shit, I'm going to carve "I told you so" on your tombstone.

[They leave. The Count di Luna enters.]

Di Luna: Doot de doo, it's such a nice quiet night that I think I'm gonna stalk Leonora!

The Audience: You're creepy.

Di Luna: HEY LEONORA I KNOW YOU'RE AWAKE BECAUSE THE LAMP IN YOUR WINDOW IS STILL LIT

The Audience: ... and also a bit desperate.

Di Luna: SHE FILLS ME WITH THE FIRE OF PASSION AND I'M COMING

The Audience: GROSS

Di Luna: ... TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW

[A harp starts playing offstage.]

Di Luna: OH GODDAMMIT IT'S THAT FUCKING MINSTREL AGAIN

The Troubadour: [offstage] COME WHAT MAAAAY
COME WHAT MAAAAAAY
IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU
UNTIL MY DYING DAAAAAAY

Di Luna: AT LEAST SING SOMETHING GOOD

The Troubadour: [still offstage] NIGHT AND DAAAAY
YOU ARE THE ONE
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON
AND UNDER THE SUUUUUN

Di Luna: ... son of a bitch.

[Leonora runs onstage, having heard the singing. She sees the count in the darkness and mistakes him for her beloved knight.]

Leonora: I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH

[She embraces the count.]

Di Luna: Not that I'm complaining, but what the fuck is going on?

The Audience: What a dumb bitch.

Verdi: It's almost like the count and the troubadour look a lot like each other or something.

The Audience: LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU

[The troubadour enters, his face concealed, and sees Leonora macking on Count di Luna.]

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

[Leonora realizes her mistake and retracts her tongue from di Luna's mouth.]

Leonora: It's just a misunderstanding! It was super dark and I heard your voice and thought he was you!

The Troubadour: Oh. Okay, then.

Leonora: But really. How could you ever think I could love this asshole instead of you? He's not as tender or passionate and he's also kind of a dick.

Di Luna: Still here, guys.

The Troubadour: Yeah, he's pretty terrible. Come give me a kiss!

Di Luna: You're hurting my feelings.

[Leonora and the troubadour make out.]

Di Luna: SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

Di Luna: SHOW ME YOUR FACE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD

The Troubadour: 'KAY

Leonora: DON'T DO IT

[He pulls back his hood/visor/big floppy hat and shows his face.]

The Troubadour: IT IS I, MANRICO

Di Luna: OH SHIT THAT IS A HUGE REVELATION

The Audience: WE DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT

Di Luna: HE'S THE GENERAL OF THE REBEL PRINCE'S ARMIES

The Audience: OH OKAY I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL

Di Luna: [drawing his sword] HOW DARE YOU COME HERE YOU TRAITOROUS WRETCH

Manrico: [also drawing his sword] COME AT ME BRO

Di Luna: OKAY BITCH LET'S DO THIS

Leonora: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAN WE STOP COMPARING DICKS FOR TWO MINUTES

Di Luna: ...

Manrico: ...

Di Luna: Nnnnope.

Leonora: Shit.

Di Luna: SINCE YOU LOVE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WATCH ME KILL HIM

Manrico: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST

Di Luna: SOMETHING SOMETHING FIERY RAGE

Manrico: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT

Leonora: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Manrico and Count di Luna begin to duel.]

The Audience: This is awesome! We almost never get to see this kind of stuff onstage!

[The curtain falls.]

The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake.

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II