Il trovatore, Act I

Il trovatore
Grand opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)

Music: Giuseppe Verdi
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano and Leone Emanuele Bardare
 

Act I: The Duel

[Scene I: A hall in the palace of Aliaferia, just outside the chambers of the Count di Luna. The count is loyal to the prince of Aragon, who is currently waging war against Urgel, a rebel with his own claim to the throne.]

The Audience: And which side are we supposed to sympathize with?

Verdi: Well, di Luna is the baritone, sooo...

The Audience: Urgel all the way. Gotcha.

[Ferrando, di Luna's captain of the guard, is waiting in the hallway. A chorus of retainers and soldiers is also present for some reason, because apparently he needs a whole fucking battalion to guard his room in the middle of the night.]

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOORED

Ferrando: Like I give a shit.

The Chorus: WE'RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP

Ferrando: NOOO THE COUNT NEEDS US TO BE VIGILANT WHILE HE'S OUT STALKING HIS BELOVED

The Chorus: Wait. He's not even here?

Ferrando: Nnnope. He's busy trying to look in Leonora's window and obsessing over the mysterious troubadour she loves instead of him.

The Chorus: ... so we're just guarding an empty room?

Ferrando: Yuuup.

The Chorus: Wow. What a dick.

Ferrando: Yeah, pretty much.

The Chorus: ...

Ferrando: ...

The Chorus: WE'RE BOOOOOOORED

Ferrando: Oh, not this shit again.

The Chorus: TELL US A STOOORYYYY

Ferrando: I'm sorry, when exactly did you all turn into toddlers?

The Chorus: TELL US THE STORY OF GARZIA

Ferrando: FINE BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP

The Chorus: yaaaaaay

[Everyone gathers around as Ferrando begins his story.]

Ferrando: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a father who had two sons and they were all very happy.

The Audience: What about the mother?

Ferrando: She was dead or something.

The Audience: Shouldn't that have made them unhappy?

Ferrando: She was a bitch and they were happier without her. Now stop asking questions.

The Audience: Rude.

Ferrando: Oh, and also the father was the Count di Luna. That's kinda important.

The Audience: Sooo when you say "once upon a time," you really mean "last week."

Ferrando: Actually, this was the previous Count di Luna. The current count is his son.

The Audience: Oh. So who's Garzia?

Ferrando: He's the other son. The current count's brother.

The Audience: This is way more complicated than it needs to be.

Verdi: Oh, just wait. Y'all bitches ain't seen nothing yet.

Ferrando: So, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted --

The Audience: Eat a dick.

Ferrando: -- the father and his two sons were perfectly happy and content... until one day.

The Chorus: OH NO WHAT HAPPENED

Ferrando: One morning, Garzia's nurse awoke to find a strange figure in the room, leaning over the child's cradle!

The Chorus: OH SHIT WHO WAS IT

Ferrando: AN UGLY OLD GYPSY WOMAN

The Chorus: EWW GROSS

Ferrando: So the nurse screamed and servants came running and threw the old bitch out. She claimed to be reading the baby's fortune, but everyone knew that she was actually putting a curse on him because that's what gypsies do. You know, when they're not picking your pocket and stuff.

The Chorus: YEAH GYPSIES ARE ASSHOLES

The Audience: Okay, despite the blatant racism at work here, we have to admit that it's generally considered not cool to break into kids' bedrooms. So it's pretty understandable that people would get upset about that.

Ferrando: And then the child started getting sick, which proved that he was cursed! So the count sent out his soldiers to capture the old gypsy woman, and then they burned her at the stake for witchcraft!

The Audience: That, on the other hand, seems like an overreaction.

The Chorus: THE BITCH TOTALLY HAD IT COMING

The Audience: Of course. Because babies never get sick unless they're cursed.

Ferrando: But the story doesn't end there! The gypsy woman's daughter stole Garzia from his crib and threw him on her mother's pyre as an act of revenge on the count!

The Audience: Whoa. This got dark really quickly.

Ferrando: They found the child's blackened bones amid the smoldering remains of the pyre.

The Chorus: FUCKING EVIL GYPSIES

Ferrando: I KNOW RIGHT

The Chorus: So how did the old count deal with his son getting char-broiled?

Ferrando: He pretty much went crazy from grief and died. But he still believed that Garzia was alive somewhere, and he made his remaining son promise to keep searching for his brother and the crazy gypsy woman.

The Chorus: But he was never found?

Ferrando: Of course not. He's dead and buried and there's no chance whatsoever that this story will be important later in the opera.

Verdi: Hint hint.

The Audience: Yeah, we got it.

The Chorus: And was the old gypsy's daughter ever found?

Ferrando: No, but I'm sure we'll catch her some day. I'd recognize that crazy bitch anywhere.

Verdi: Also hint hint.

The Audience: Shut up. You're as bad as Donizetti.

Verdi: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

The Chorus: WOO LET'S CATCH HER AND SEND HER TO HELL TO MEET HER MOM

Ferrando: Actually, some people believe that the old gypsy woman's spirit still haunts the castle, and she appears to people in various shapes to frighten them.

The Audience: Is this foreshadowing too?

Verdi: No, this part actually has no significance to the rest of the plot.

The Chorus: OH YEAH WE'VE SEEN HER FLYING AROUND IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL AND SOMETIMES A CROW

The Audience: Either that or you just saw normal birds.

The Chorus: NO IT WAS TOTALLY THE OLD GYPSY

Ferrando: AND ONE SERVANT DIED OF FRIGHT BECAUSE HE PUNCHED THE GYPSY IN THE FOREHEAD

The Chorus: THAT WAS RANDOM BUT OKAY SURE

Ferrando: SHE APPEARED TO HIM IN THE FORM OF AN OWL AND LOOKED AT THE MOON AND LET OUT A LOUD HOOT

The Audience: That's what owls do. It was just a normal fucking owl.

[The clock strikes midnight.]

Ferrando and the Chorus: AHHH MAY THAT OLD GYPSY BITCH BE CURSED FOREVER

[Everyone exits.]

The Audience: You people are morons.

[Scene II: The gardens of the palace. Leonora, a lady-in-waiting to the princess of Aragon, is waiting to see her lover. She's accompanied by her servant, Inez.]

Inez: CAN WE GO INSIDE YET

Leonora: NO I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MYSTERIOUS LOVER

Inez: BUT THE PRINCESS WANTS TO SEE YOU

Leonora: NOT UNTIL I SEE MY BELOVED

Inez: Seriously, though. Who is this troubadour guy and where did you meet him?

Leonora: At a tournament. He was a mysterious knight in dark armor and he kicked everyone's asses and I presented him with the crown of victory!

Inez: Sorry, I'm confused. Is he a knight or a troubadour?

Leonora: He's both.

Inez: That's stupid and so are you.

Leonora: Shut up. I didn't see him for a long time after the civil war broke out -- but one night, I heard someone in the garden playing a lute and singing a love song for me! And guess who it was!

Inez: The trouba-knight?

Leonora: EXACTLY

Inez: Okay, so... how much do you know about this guy, anyway?

Leonora: I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN LOVE AND NOTHING WILL EVER KEEP US APART

Verdi: Challenge accepted.

The Audience: No, but really. This bitch must have taken "Tempting Fate 101" at Lammermoor Community College, 'cause damn.

Inez: Look, just take my advice and stop seeing this guy because it's probably gonna end in tears.

Leonora: NOPE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HIM

The Audience: [facepalm]

Inez: Welllll if it all goes to shit, I'm going to carve "I told you so" on your tombstone.

[They leave. The Count di Luna enters.]

Di Luna: Doot de doo, it's such a nice quiet night that I think I'm gonna stalk Leonora!

The Audience: You're creepy.

Di Luna: HEY LEONORA I KNOW YOU'RE AWAKE BECAUSE THE LAMP IN YOUR WINDOW IS STILL LIT

The Audience: ... and also a bit desperate.

Di Luna: SHE FILLS ME WITH THE FIRE OF PASSION AND I'M COMING

The Audience: GROSS

Di Luna: ... TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW

[A harp starts playing offstage.]

Di Luna: OH GODDAMMIT IT'S THAT FUCKING MINSTREL AGAIN

The Troubadour: [offstage] COME WHAT MAAAAY
COME WHAT MAAAAAAY
IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU
UNTIL MY DYING DAAAAAAY

Di Luna: AT LEAST SING SOMETHING GOOD

The Troubadour: [still offstage] NIGHT AND DAAAAY
YOU ARE THE ONE
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON
AND UNDER THE SUUUUUN

Di Luna: ... son of a bitch.

[Leonora runs onstage, having heard the singing. She sees the count in the darkness and mistakes him for her beloved knight.]

Leonora: I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH

[She embraces the count.]

Di Luna: Not that I'm complaining, but what the fuck is going on?

The Audience: What a dumb bitch.

Verdi: It's almost like the count and the troubadour look a lot like each other or something.

The Audience: LA LA LA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU

[The troubadour enters, his face concealed, and sees Leonora macking on Count di Luna.]

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

[Leonora realizes her mistake and retracts her tongue from di Luna's mouth.]

Leonora: It's just a misunderstanding! It was super dark and I heard your voice and thought he was you!

The Troubadour: Oh. Okay, then.

Leonora: But really. How could you ever think I could love this asshole instead of you? He's not as tender or passionate and he's also kind of a dick.

Di Luna: Still here, guys.

The Troubadour: Yeah, he's pretty terrible. Come give me a kiss!

Di Luna: You're hurting my feelings.

[Leonora and the troubadour make out.]

Di Luna: SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME

The Troubadour: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

Di Luna: SHOW ME YOUR FACE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD

The Troubadour: 'KAY

Leonora: DON'T DO IT

[He pulls back his hood/visor/big floppy hat and shows his face.]

The Troubadour: IT IS I, MANRICO

Di Luna: OH SHIT THAT IS A HUGE REVELATION

The Audience: WE DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT

Di Luna: HE'S THE GENERAL OF THE REBEL PRINCE'S ARMIES

The Audience: OH OKAY I GUESS THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL

Di Luna: [drawing his sword] HOW DARE YOU COME HERE YOU TRAITOROUS WRETCH

Manrico: [also drawing his sword] COME AT ME BRO

Di Luna: OKAY BITCH LET'S DO THIS

Leonora: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CAN WE STOP COMPARING DICKS FOR TWO MINUTES

Di Luna: ...

Manrico: ...

Di Luna: Nnnnope.

Leonora: Shit.

Di Luna: SINCE YOU LOVE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WATCH ME KILL HIM

Manrico: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST

Di Luna: SOMETHING SOMETHING FIERY RAGE

Manrico: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT

Leonora: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Manrico and Count di Luna begin to duel.]

The Audience: This is awesome! We almost never get to see this kind of stuff onstage!

[The curtain falls.]

The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake.

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

Amahl and the Night Visitors

Amahl and the Night Visitors
An opera in one act

Music and Libretto: Gian Carlo Menotti
 

[The opera is set somewhere in ancient Judea, with a star in the sky that looks suspiciously like it might be hanging over Bethlehem. Most of the action centers around a dilapidated hovel inhabited by a mother and her child. Amahl, the aforementioned child, is an obnoxious eleven-year-old boy who enjoys playing his shepherd's pipes (not a euphemism) and being a pathological liar. Also, he's crippled and he needs a crutch to walk.]

Charles Dickens: Oh wow, a crippled kid in a story about Christmas. I can't believe no one's ever thought of that before.

Menotti: Fuck off.

[And while we're handing out tragic illnesses, it should probably be mentioned that Amahl's mother – who is never given a real name because of course not – has a terminal case of being a complete bitch.]

Mother: AMAHL

Amahl: [sitting outside] WHAT

Mother: COME INSIDE

Amahl: 'KAY

[And then he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before – in short, playing his pipes and giving zero fucks.]

Mother: AMAHL

Amahl: WHAT

Mother: I CAN HEAR YOU PLAYING YOUR PIPES SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE

Amahl: OKAY I'M PUTTING THEM AWAY NOW AND COMING IN

Mother: GOOD

[Amahl immediately resumes his playing.]

Mother: YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE

Amahl: trololololol

[She opens the door and steps out.]

Mother: COME INSIDE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

Amahl: But Mooooooom I want to stay outsiiiiiide

Mother: It's cold and dark and it's getting late.

Amahl: But I want to keep looking at the skyyyyy

Mother: If you keep talking back to me, I swear to God I will curbstomp the shit out of you.

Amahl: Fiiiine.

[He begins the laborious process of getting his crutch, getting up, and hobbling inside.]

The Audience: Any time now.

[Amahl moves two more steps.]

The Audience: No, really. It's not like we have anything better to do.

[Amahl finally gets back into the house. His mother shuts the door behind them both.]

Mother: Sooo why did you feel the need to be such a little douche tonight?

Amahl: THERE'S THIS BIG STAR IN THE SKY AND IT'S REALLY COOL

Mother: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP TELLING LIES

Amahl: I'M NOT LYING

Mother: YOU TOTALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU LIE ALL THE TIME

Amahl: YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE IT OUT THE WINDOW JUST GO LOOK

Mother: NOPE I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR SHIT EVER AGAIN

The Audience: It's actually there, though.

Mother: SHUT UP

The Audience: Just sayin'.

Mother: You wouldn't believe the shit that this little bastard tells me – and most of the time, he doesn't even bother trying to make it sound believable!

The Audience: Like what?

Mother: Like the time he told me he saw a jungle cat with a woman's head. Or the time he told me that he saw a tree that was screaming and bleeding profusely. Or the time he told me about the giant catfish with wings and horns that was terrorizing a small fishing village on the coast.

SyFy Channel Executives: Aaaand we just got our idea for our next original movie... "Batfish: Rivers of Blood."

Mother: Whatever. The point is, everything that comes out of the little bastard's mouth is a lie.

The Audience: Yeah, but compared with the rest of that shit, isn't "there's a really bright star in the sky" pretty believable?

Mother: HE'S A LYING LIAR SO SHUT UP

Amahl: I'm not lying! I swear!

Mother: OH GOD HE THINKS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH

Amahl: Because I am.

Mother: HUSH MY SWEET CHILD; HUNGER HAS CLEARLY ADDLED YOUR BRAINS

Amahl: But –

Mother: WE'LL HAVE TO GO BEGGING IF WE WANT TO STAY ALIVE

[Amahl shrugs.]

Amahl: Sure, whatever.

Mother: [starting to sob] IT'S SO SHAMEFUL

The Audience: Well, let's see... you can either keep your dignity or not starve to death. Yeah, that's a tough choice.

Amahl: It's okay, Mom! I'm gonna be the bestest beggar ever and I'll play my pipes and you'll sing and dance and everyone will give us food and money and everything will be awesome forever!

Mother: Aw, that's so sweet.

Amahl: Actually, I was just lying to make you feel better. We're pretty much fucked.

Mother: Shut up and go to sleep.

[They lie down and close their eyes. Soon, a trio of voices can be heard in the distance.]

A Trio of Voices: HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO TIRED

[Three kings walk onstage, each carrying a gift of some sort. They're followed by a page, who's carrying the rest of their shit.]

The Three Kings: ARE WE THERE YET

The Audience: Wait. Are these the actual three kings? Like... on their way to visit the baby Jesus?

Menotti: Yuuuup.

The Audience: Oh, god. This isn't an opera; it's a fucking greeting card.

The Three Kings: DEAR GOD WE JUST WANT TO REST AND STOP FOLLOWING THIS STUPID STAR FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES

[They see the decrepit old hovel and decide to stop there. Melchior, the first king, knocks on the door.]

Mother: [half-asleep] Amahl, go see who the fuck is knocking on our door in the middle of the night.

[Amahl gets his crutch, gets up, and hobbles to the door.]

The Audience: Seriously? He can barely walk. Do it yourself, you lazy bitch.

[Amahl opens the door, sees Melchior, and slams the door with a gasp of surprise.]

Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE'S A KING OUTSIDE

Mother: Stop being a lying piece of shit.

Amahl: But Mooooooom it's truuuuuuue

Mother: Not buying it.

[The kings have switched places outside. Kaspar, the second king, knocks on the door.]

Mother: Just answer the door and stop being a jackass.

[Amahl opens the door, sees Kaspar, and loses his shit.]

The Door: [slam]

Amahl: HOLY CRAP MOM THERE ARE TWO KINGS OUTSIDE

Mother: If you keep lying to me, I'm going to break your other leg.

Amahl: [whimpers]

[The kings have switched places again. Balthazar, the third king, knocks on the door. Only this time it's different, because – ]

Amahl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOM THERE'S A BLACK KING OUTSIDE

Mother: Don't be ridiculous, Amahl; black people can't occupy positions of power. That's what we like to call "The White Man's Burden!"

Amahl: But we're not white either. We're Palestinian or something.

Mother: ARE YOU SASSING ME

Amahl: No, mother.

Mother: Good. Since you're too busy being an idiot, I'll just answer the door myself.

The Audience: Like you should have in the first place.

Mother: Fuck off.

[She gets up and opens the door.]

The Three Kings: HIIIII

Mother: HOLY SHIT

Amahl: Told you so.

Mother: Don't be a dick. [to the kings] Can I help you?

Melchior: Can we take a nap in your house? We've been walking for like... forever.

Mother: If you're so rich, shouldn't you have some mode of transportation? Like camels or horses or palanquins carried by broad-shouldered eunuchs?

Balthazar: It's cheaper to travel on foot. These gifts we're carrying were pretty expensive.

Mother: I see. Well, I'm just a poor, starving widow with a crippled son, but you're welcome to stay in my humble home for a little while.

Melchior: Thanks!

Mother: And maybe you could toss a couple coins my way to pay me for my trouble?

Melchior: Nnnnope. Come on in, boys!

Kaspar: WHAT WAS THAT I DIDN'T HEAR IT BECAUSE I AM DEAF

Menotti: And deaf people are hilarious! Almost as funny as the idea of a black king, amirite?

The Audience: You're a douche.

[The page hurries into the house and unrolls a carpet for them to walk in on, even though they've been walking across dirt and rocks and sand for god knows how long. Seriously, it's kinda pointless. The kings proceed into the house one by one and sit down together on a bench.]

Melchior: This place is a shithole.

Mother: Poor, starving widow, remember?

Melchior: Oh, right. I guess it's okay.

Mother: Fuck you too. I have to go gather firewood so we don't freeze to death, but I'll be back soon. [to Amahl] Don't be obnoxious, okay?

Amahl: Of course not, mother.

[She leaves.]

Amahl: HEY MISTER BLACK GUY ARE YOU A REAL KING BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T BE KINGS

Balthazar: Your mom's a bitch. And yes, I'm a real king.

Amahl: DO YOU HAVE ROYAL BLOOD AND STUFF

Balthazar: By definition, yes.

Amahl: CAN I SEE IT

Balthazar: Hell no. Go away.

Amahl: WHERE DO YOU LIIIIVE

Menotti: And while you're answering this question, could you say “black” as many times as possible?

Balthazar: I live in a palace –

Menotti: – a black palace –

Balthazar: – and I own some panthers –

Menotti: – which are a slightly darker black –

Balthazar: – and also some doves.

Menotti: – which are the opposite of black. Black black blacky black black.

The Audience: YES WE GET IT

Balthazar: Can I stop talking now?

Amahl: SURE AND NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALLLLLL ABOUT ME

Balthazar: Oh joy.

Amahl: I USED TO HAVE SOME SHEEP BUT MY MOM SOLD THEM AND I USED TO HAVE A GOAT BUT SHE DIED AND I USED TO HAVE A DAD BUT HE DIED TOO AND NOW MOM BRINGS HOME A SPECIAL FRIEND SOMETIMES BUT SHE MAKES ME GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE COMES OVER AND THEN I HEAR WEIRD NOISES COMING FROM THE HOUSE AND –

Balthazar: Aaaand that's way too much information. Go bother the deaf guy for a while.

Amahl: 'Kay.

[He approaches Kaspar.]

Amahl: Are you a real king too?

Kaspar: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Menotti: Oh, man. Comedy gold.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Amahl: I ASKED IF YOU'RE A REAL KING

Kaspar: YES I AM AT LEAST I WAS THE LAST TIME I CHECKED

[The conversation continues along the following lines:]

Amahl: Stupid question!

Kaspar: Confused noise?

Amahl: THE SAME QUESTION BUT LOUDER THIS TIME

Kaspar: Response!

[And that formula repeats itself about fifty goddamn times.]

Menotti: It's not actually fifty times.

Me: But it sure feels like it!

[Finally, Amahl points to a box sitting next to Kaspar.]

Amahl: What the hell is that?

Kaspar: THIS IS MY BOX AND IT IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE BOXES AND I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY BOX BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO BOXTASTIC AND I KEEP ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS BOX LIKE MAGIC GEMSTONES AND BEADS AND ESPECIALLY LICORICE –

Menotti: Black licorice!

The Audience: FUCK OFF

Kaspar: – AND YOU SHOULD EAT SOME OF THIS LICORICE BECAUSE CANDY ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WHEN IT'S FROM STRANGERS

Amahl: OKAY

[He takes a piece of licorice and starts eating it just as his mother returns.]

Mother: GODDAMMIT AMAHL I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE OBNOXIOUS

Amahl: BUT I WASN'T

Balthazar: Yeah, you were.

Mother: Whatever. Just go and find the other shepherds and tell them to bring some food for our guests!

The Audience: So you want the child with a reputation for being a pathological liar to go and tell your neighbors that there are three kings staying at your house?

Mother: Of course. What could go wrong?

The Audience: [sigh]

[Amahl hobbles off into the night, while his mother admires all the shiny stuff the kings are traveling with.]

Mother: That's a lot of gold.

Melchior: Yuuuup.

Mother: Do you really need all of it? And did I mention that my son and I are penniless and starving?

Melchior: We can't spare a cent. It all has to go to the child.

Mother: And who is this child, exactly...?

Melchior: We don't really know. We're just following the star.

Mother: I see. Well, maybe I can help you out!

Melchior: I sincerely doubt it.

Mother: Oh, come on. How hard could it be?

Melchior: Okay. We're looking for a child who's the color of wheat.

Mother: That's not very specific.

Melchior: He could also be the color of dawn.

Mother: So, like... pinkish-red?

The Audience: Well, you know what they say – “Red savior at morning, sinners take warning...”

Menotti: Shut up.

Mother: In any case, I know a kid who looks just like that.

Melchior: Who?

Mother: My son! Your journey's at an end! Leave all the gold and frankincense and myrrh with us!

Melchior: Not gonna happen. Help me out, Balthazar.

Balthazar: He's the color of earth. Or maybe of thorns.

Mother: You're just naming weird colors. You have no idea what he looks like, do you.

Balthazar: Yes, we do. We totally do.

Mother: Okay. Height? Weight? Body type? Facial structure?

Melchior: Um... he can command the elements?

Kaspar: And he controls the sun and moon!

Balthazar: And he can tame animals with his mind.

Mother: Now you're just making shit up.

The Three Kings: HE'S SURROUNDED BY A LEGION OF ANGELS AND HIS MOTHER IS BOTH A VIRGIN AND A QUEEN

The Audience: … Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Jesus?

Mother: I'M STILL PRETTY SURE THAT MY SON IS THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SHINY EXPENSIVE STUFF

The Three Kings: NNNNOPE

Chorus of Shepherds: [offstage] WE ARE A CHORUS OF SHEPHERDS

Mother: The shepherds are coming!

Melchior: Yeah, we got that. We're not deaf, you know.

Balthazar: [coughs awkwardly]

Melchior: Uh... right. Except for Kaspar.

Balthazar: Yeah. It's kind of a problem.

Kaspar: WHAT DID YOU SAY

Balthazar: Nothing.

[And then the chorus of shepherds makes its entrance, led by Amahl. They all seem to be afflicted with some sort of obsessive personality disorder where they can't stop making lists, because they pretty much just sing a bunch of names for about six pages of music.]

Chorus of Shepherds: EMILY MICHAEL BARTHOLOMEW JOSEPHINE ANGELA JEREMY ETHEL ELAINE PATTI BERNADETTE GEORGE BILL GEORGE JUNIOR BARACK ROSE MARTHA DONNA AMY

The Audience: GET TO THE POINT

Chorus of Shepherds: HOW ARE YOU WE'RE DOING FINE OH THAT'S WONDERFUL

[They reach the house and stare through the open door at the kings.]

Chorus of Shepherds: oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh

Mother: GIVE US YOUR FOOD

[And then the list-making starts again.]

Chorus of Shepherds: HERE IS ALL THE STUFF WE BROUGHT THERE'S SOME OLIVES AND QUINCES AND RAISINS AND NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM AND TEA LEAVES AND PORK RINDS AND TURDUCKEN AND JUICY JUICE AND GO-GURT AND POWERADE AND PROTEIN SHAKE MIX AND JELL-O PUDDING

Melchior: holy shit that's a lot of food

Chorus: EAT IT EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW

Mother: Doesn't anyone want to dance for the kings?

Balthazar: That's really not necessary.

Mother: SOMEONE DO A DANCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW

[So then some shepherds do a dance.]

Balthazar: Ooookay. Well, thanks for the food and the entertainment, but we really need to go to sleep.

Chorus of Shepherds: OKAY SWEET DREAMS

[They all leave. Amahl and the kings and the page (remember him?) go to sleep, but Amahl's mother stays awake.]

Mother: THOSE FUCKERS HAVE SO MUCH GOLD AND THEY WON'T EVEN SHARE AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE POOR AND STARVING BECAUSE THEY'RE SNOOTY RICH BASTARDS

The Audience: Occupy Judea!

Mother: I COULD FEED MYSELF AND MY SON FOR A YEAR WITH A HANDFUL OF THAT GOLD SO I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME BECAUSE WHAT COULD GO WRONG

[She takes some of the gold.]

The Page: THIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFF

Mother: Oh. That's what could go wrong.

[The page jumps on the mother and starts trying to wrestle the gold out of her hands.]

The Three Kings: [waking up] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

The Page: SHE TOOK SOME OF OUR JESUS-GOLD

The Three Kings: WHAT A BITCH

Amahl: [hobbling over] GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOM YOU CARPET-CARRYING FUCK

The Page: MAKE ME

Amahl: [turning to the kings] Please don't let him hurt my mom! She's a nice lady when she's not stealing shit from unsuspecting guests! [turning back] I WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT IF YOU DON'T LET MY MOM GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW

[At a sign from one of the kings, the page releases Amahl's mother. She and Amahl collapse in a whimpering heap on the floor.]

Melchior: Look, you can keep the gold. This new savior doesn't need money or anything, because he's going to build his kingdom on love and smiles and rainbows!

The Audience: So... if you know he doesn't need your money, why the fuck are you lugging that heavy-ass chest to Bethlehem?

Melchior: Huh. You know, I really should have thought that through before we left.

The Audience: Yuuup.

Melchior: Whatever. In any case – the new savior loves poor people, so have fun with your ill-gotten money. [to the other kings] Let's get the hell out of here.

Mother: Actually, I think I'll give the gold back – but only because you were pretty passive-aggressive there and it made me feel kinda bad.

Menotti: And that was the first recorded instance of Catholic guilt.

The Audience: And by “first recorded instance,” you mean “I just made that up.”

Menotti: Yeah, pretty much.

Amahl: This new savior sounds pretty cool! Let's send him my crutch, just in case he's a cripple like me!

Mother: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need your crutch to walk, moron.

[But in his excitement, Amahl has gotten up and is walking without the crutch!]

Mother: Whaaaaaaaaat

The Three Kings: oh snap

Amahl: HOLY SHIT I CAN WALK

Mother: HOLY SHIT YOU CAN WALK

The Three Kings: HOLY SHIT IT'S A MIRACLE

[And everyone dances around in jubilation.]

The Audience: Sooo Baby Jesus cured him or something?

Menotti: Because of his selfless concern for someone he had never met!

The Audience: Either that, or Amahl was just lying about being crippled to get attention.

Menotti: SHUT UP IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE

The Three Kings: O BLESSED CHILD CAN WE TOUCH YOU

The Audience: Gross.

The Three Kings: YOU KNOW IN A TOTALLY SPIRITUAL WAY OR WHATEVER

Amahl: Sure, knock yourselves out.

The Page: CAN I TOUCH YOU TOO

Amahl: Fuck you.

Mother: Be nice, Amahl.

Amahl: Fiiiine, he can touch me. But keep it above the belt, perv.

[The page touches Amahl.]

Amahl: OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I CAN DO NOW THAT I CAN WALK

Everyone Else: YEAH IT'S PRETTY COOL

Amahl: HEY MOM CAN I TRAVEL WITH THE KINGS TO MEET THIS CRAZY GOD-BABY OR WHATEVER

Balthazar: Wait, what?

Melchior: Yeah, we don't actually want him to come along with us.

Kaspar: WHAT DID HE SAY

Melchior: HE SAID HE WANTS TO COME WITH US

Kaspar: OH FUCK NO HE'S ANNOYING AS SHIT

Amahl: SCREW YOU GUYS I'M A MIRACLE CHILD AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT

Melchior: Fiiine, you can come.

Balthazar: Just try not to get yourself eaten by wild animals.

Amahl: YAAAAY

Mother: I don't know...

Amahl: PLEEEEASE

Mother: Okay, fine.

Amahl: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Mother: But don't forget to wash your ears and wear your hat and be a good boy!

Amahl: And can you take care of my cat while I'm away?

Mother: You don't have a cat anymore. I put him in the stew last week because we were about to starve to death.

Amahl: YOU TOLD ME HE WAS OUT HUNTING

Mother: Yeah, well... I lied. Deal with it.

Melchior: Oooookay. And with that awkward bit of family interaction completed, LET'S GET GOING

[The kings and the page process out of the house. Amahl gives his mother a last hug before running after the others. He starts playing his pipe in the distance, and his mother stares up at the star in the sky.]

Menotti: ISN'T IT HEARTWARMING

The Audience: Sure, except for the part where the story of the Three Kings doesn't actually include a random, formerly crippled boy.

Menotti: Yeah... he died about two days later. Mauled by a leopard.

The Audience: Oh. Wow. That's... kinda depressing.

Menotti: Yuuup.

[Awkward silence.]

Menotti: WOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

[End of the opera.]

Die Zauberflöte, Act I

Die Zauberflöte
A Singspiel in two acts (Act II)

Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Libretto: Emanuel Schikaneder



[Act I: Somewhere in a forest. Or on a mountain. Or some combination of the two. Everything looks vaguely mythological and there are probably triangles everywhere because MASONIC SYMBOLISM. Prince Tamino runs on, pursued by a giant phallic metaphor.]

The Audience: Okay, so the opera is off to a pretty exciting start. This guy is probably gonna slay the shit out of that dragon... serpent... thing, right?

Tamino: HOLY SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME

The Audience: ... or not.

Tamino: I'M SO SCARED I'M LITERALLY ABOUT TO VOID MY BOWELS

The Audience: Wow. What a pussy.

[And then he faints.]

The Audience: This is the worst opera ever. We're outta here.

[Just as the serpent is about to sink its fangs into Tamino's soft, supple body, a trio of foxy ladies appears.]

The Audience: Hellooooo nurses.

The Three Ladies: WE HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SERPENTS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FAIRY TALE

[The Three Ladies zap the creature with some crazy magic mojo and kill it totally dead.]

First Lady: That's right, bitch. No one messes with the Three Ladies.

The Audience: So, wait. Are they actually just called "the Three Ladies?"

Mozart: Yuuuuup.

The Audience: Huh. So what are their names? Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee? Charlotte, Emily, and Anne?

Mozart: First Lady, Second Lady, and Third Lady.

The Audience: They probably don't like that too much.

Mozart: Don't be ridiculous! Women don't have feelings.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Third Lady: Woooo we totally just saved this guy's life!

Second Lady: ... he's not moving. He is still alive, right?

[They move in closer to get a better look.]

First Lady: Yeah, he's still breathing. I think he's just unconscious.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaay

First Lady: And he's also really hot.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaaaaaaay

First Lady: DIBS

Second Lady: Hey, no fair!

Third Lady: I already called dibs in my head!

First Lady: That's stupid and so are you.

Third Lady: You're stupid!

Second Lady: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP

First Lady: ...

Third Lady: ...

Second Lady: There's only one way to settle this – rock, paper, magic glockenspiel.

First Lady: You always win that because you cheat.

Second Lady: No, you always lose because you always pick rock.

First Lady: Because rock should beat glockenspiel! It's a fucking rock, for god's sake!

Second Lady: Nothing beats glockenspiel. It's magic.

First Lady: grumble grumble

Third Lady: [getting an idea] Hey, do you think maybe this guy could help out the Queen?

First Lady: Maybe. You two go ask her; I'll stay here and guard McDreamy.

Second Lady: Nnnnope.

Third Lady: Yeah, I don't trust you to be here alone with him.

First Lady: [offended] And why not?

Third Lady: Because you're a weak-willed woman and you'll give in to your lustful desires as soon as we're gone?

First Lady: Hmph. Well, I could say the same about both of you.

Second Lady: Touché.

Third Lady: [sighing] If only we had a big, strong man to tell us what to do!

The Audience: This is awkward.

Me: Just wait; it gets worse.

First Lady: So I guess the only solution is for the three of us to go find the Queen together.

Third Lady: Unless we wanted to take turns... ?

First Lady: I don't share. Let's go, Ladies.

Second Lady: So, wait. We're just gonna leave him here?

First Lady: What's the worst that could happen?

Second Lady: Umm... he could get eaten by a fucking dragon, apparently.

First Lady: I'm sure he'll be fine.

[The Three Ladies depart, blowing kisses to their unconscious sweetheart. Tamino wakes up and sees the carcass of the serpent.]

Tamino: AHHHHH IT'S GONNA EAT ME AHHHHH oh wait it's dead. Huh.

[A pan flute sounds nearby.]

Tamino: OH GOD SOMEONE'S PLAYING A FLUTE I'D BETTER HIDE

The Audience: You're the worst mythological hero ever.

[Tamino hides. A strange bird-man enters, carrying a net and cage and wearing pan-pipes around his neck, and proceeds to introduce himself to the audience.]

Papageno: Howdy! I'm Papageno, your friendly neighborhood bird-catcher. I'm everyone's favorite character because I don't give a damn about wisdom or destiny and I mostly just want to eat, drink, and fuck all day long.

The Audience: Sounds about right.

Papageno: I use this net to catch birds, but I frequently fantasize about using it to catch women! If I could, I'd catch all the foxy ladies in the world and then I'd lock them up and choose the one I liked best and trade the other women for sugar because that's totally a thing that people do and then I'd give the sugar to my favorite lady and then she'd love me forever and she'd sex me up and give birth to dozens of bird-children!

The Audience: That's kinda fucked up. But kidnapping and sex trafficking have never sounded quite so charming!

Mozart: I know, right?

[Papageno starts tending to the birds in his cage. Tamino finally decides that Papageno isn't going to murder and/or eat him, so he emerges from his hiding place.]

Tamino: Hey!

Papageno: Hey.

Tamino: Um... who are you?

Papageno: Just a guy who's trying to do his job without random assholes interrupting him. Who are you?

Tamino: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a prince.

Papageno: Cool story, bro.

[Papageno starts feeding his birds again.]

Tamino: Sooo what's the deal with all those feathers? You look like a –

Papageno: – like a what? Like a bird? You know, I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone asking me about this. Just because I'm covered in feathers doesn't mean I'm some sort of disgusting avian hybrid creature. MAYBE I JUST LIKE FEATHERS YOU ASSHOLE

Tamino: ... I was just gonna say you look like an idiot.

Papageno: Oh. Fair enough.

Tamino: So hey, are you the one who killed that giant serpent?

Papageno: HOLY SHIT WHAT SERPENT

Tamino: That dead one over there. Did you kill it?

[The Three Ladies enter.]

Papageno: Oh. Ahem. Yes; yes I did. I kill dragons and serpents and shit all the time because I'm super strong and manly.

The Three Ladies: Aw, hell naw.

Tamino: Wait – who are those ladies?

Papageno: Oh, they're just the Queen of the Night's handmaidens or something. Every day they take my birds and give me food in return!

Tamino: Did you ever think that maybe you could just eat the birds and not bother with the exchange?

Papageno: ... no?

First Lady: Papageno, we need to have a little talk.

Papageno: We sure do! Here are today's birds; now hand over the food and wine!

Second Lady: Yeah, about that. Here's some water and a couple of rocks. Bon appétit, asshole.

Papageno: But –

Third Lady: And also here's a golden padlock for your mouth so you'll shut the hell up for once.

[And then they lock his mouth shut. Literally.]

The Audience: Wait, what the what?

Mozart: It's magic or something. Don't think about it too much.

First Lady: Okay, so let's ask you that question one more time – and if you lie to us, we'll murder you until you're dead. Got it?

[Papageno nods.]

Second Lady: Good. Were you the one who slew the serpent?

[Papageno shakes his head.]

Third Lady: Good boy. [to Tamino] We're the ones who saved your wonderfully-shaped ass, prince. You're welcome. Also, have a portrait of the Queen of the Night's daughter!

[She hands Tamino a locket with a picture of a pretty pretty princess, and the Three Ladies depart.]

Tamino: Wow. She's so hot. Like... seriously. I think I'm falling in love with her!

Papageno: [muffled sarcastic noises]

Tamino: I'LL BE THE PRINCE
AND YOU'LL BE THE PRINCESS
IT'S A LOVE STORY
BABY JUST SAY YES

The Audience: Once again... Worst. Hero. Ever.

[Tamino finishes drooling on the locket and the Three Ladies show up again.]

First Lady: We're getting really sick of leaving and re-entering every five seconds, so we're just gonna stay onstage for a while.

Papageno: [growls]

Second Lady: Oh, and by the way – the princess is named Pamina and she's been kidnapped by an evil sorcerer and the Queen wants to you rescue her.

Third Lady: You know, because you proved your bravery so well against the serpent.

Tamino: Shut up.

First Lady: In any case, if you can rescue the princess, you'll get to marry her and make lots of beautiful royal babies.

Mozart: Because that's what women are for! Amirite?

The Audience: Fuck off.

Tamino: Sounds good to me.

Second Lady: But first, the Queen of the Night is going to sing at you for several minutes!

[There is a crash of thunder.]

First Lady: She's coming!

Second Lady: She's coming!

Third Lady: She's coming!

Papageno: [muffled laughter]

First Lady: Shut up, bird-man.

[The Queen of the Night enters, looking appropriately splendiferous.]

Queen of the Night: OH HI TAMINO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD RESCUE MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS STOLEN FROM ME BY AN EVIL SORCERER NAMED SARASTRO AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEAK WOMAN –

Mozart: This is going to be a theme of the opera, in case you couldn't tell.

Queen of the Night: – BUT FIRST LISTEN TO MY KICKASS COLORATURA SHIT AND MY HIGH F

Tamino: daaaaaamn

Queen of the Night: But really. Go find my daughter or I'll cut you.

[She leaves.]

Tamino: She seems... intense.

Second Lady: You get used to it after a while.

Papageno: HM HM HM HM HRMF MRFLE

Tamino: I have no idea what you're saying.

Papageno: HLP MRF

Tamino: I'd take the lock off, but I'm too weak.

The Audience: Truth.

First Lady: Fiiiine, we'll take away the stupid lock.

[She unlocks Papageno's mouth.]

Papageno: YESSS I CAN TALK AGAIN

Second Lady: But don't tell any more lies, or else we'll find you and torture you some more.

Third Lady: Yeah, we do a lot of torturing.

Tamino: Really? That sounds kinda evil.

First Lady: What my stupid sister or friend or whatever meant to say is that we only hurt bad people like liars and thieves because we're the exact opposite of evil and you can always trust us forever.

Tamino: Sounds legit.

First Lady: Also, please take this magic flute! It can control men's hearts and the elements and shit.

Tamino: That's really cool, but I never learned how to play the flute.

Second Lady: You don't have to know how! It's magic!

Tamino: Yaaaaaaay

Papageno: Wellllll this is a really great party and everything, but I should really be going.

Third Lady: Not so fast. You're going to help Tamino rescue the princess from Sarastro's castle.

Papageno: Oh, hell to the no. Sarastro will murder me and feed my corpse to his dogs!

First Lady: I fail to see the problem.

Papageno: I'm too pretty to die!

First Lady: Whatever. Just trust the prince; he'll keep you safe.

Papageno: Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that. He's like... the prissiest prince ever. He doesn't even have a sword; he has a flute. What the fuck is he going to do against an evil sorcerer?

Second Lady: Fiiiiine. Just stop whining and take this magic glockenspiel.

Third Lady: It'll protect you or something.

Papageno: Really?

First Lady: Kinda. It pretty much does whatever is necessary to advance the plot at any given moment.

Papageno: Yaaaaay for protection!

The Audience: Yaaaaay for advancing the plot!

Tamino: So, wait. How exactly are we supposed to find Sarastro's secret lair, anyway?

Second Lady: It's not a secret lair. It's a giant fucking temple full of sun-worshipers. You can't miss it.

Papageno: You say that, but you might not want to underestimate how incredibly stupid we are.

Tamino: Seriously. It's kind of a problem.

[The Three Ladies confer for a moment.]

Third Lady: Fine; we'll give you a few guides to make sure you get there safely.

[She whistles, and three figures appear.]

Third Lady: These are the Three Spirits!

The Audience: And let us guess. Their names are –

Mozart: First Spirit, Second Spirit, and Third Spirit!

The Audience: You're the worst.

First Lady: The Three Spirits will guide you to Sarastro's temple, where you will rescue Pamina from the light of the sun and return her to her rightful place in the darkness of night!

Papageno: That doesn't sound even remotely foreboding!

Tamino: I'm sure we can trust these nice ladies! Let's go!

[Everyone waves goodbye to each other, and the Three Spirits lead Tamino and Papageno off to start their great adventure. The scene changes to a room in Sarastro's palace; Pamina has just been caught trying to escape, and is being harassed by the evil moor Monostatos, a servant of Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Pamina: Don't touch me.

Monostatos: Oh, stop being so frigid. I'm not really that bad.

Pamina: You're a disgusting barbarian and I hate you and I'd rather die than succumb to your advances.

Monostatos: It's funny that you think you have any choice in the matter. [calling to his slaves] Bring the fuzzy handcuffs!

Pamina: Noooooo

[She faints. The slaves tie Pamina up and leave her alone with the evil black man who wants to spend all of his time raping white women.]

The Audience: Jesus Christ. Who wrote this libretto, Jefferson Davis?

Mozart: Emanuel Schikaneder. He's a friend of mine.

Emanuel Schikaneder: But I prefer to be called "The Schikanator."

The Audience: You're a douche.

[Papageno chooses this moment to wander in. Unsurprisingly, it has taken him under two minutes to get separated from the others and completely lose his way – but he still managed to find Pamina, so Papageno's complete incompetence is still more effective than anything Tamino has done this whole opera.]

The Audience: That would be funny if it weren't so depressingly true.

Papageno: Where the hell am I? Oh, wait – there are people over there! I think I'll just ask for directions.

[He wanders over and comes face to face with Monostatos.]

Papageno: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BLACK MAN

Monostatos: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BIRD MAN

Both: OH SHIT IT MUST BE THE DEVIL

The Audience: oh woooow this is uncomfortable

Me: I know, right?

[And then Papageno and Monostatos make angry faces at each other until Monostatos runs away, proving himself to be a slightly bigger coward than Papageno.]

Papageno: What a wuss. I guess it was pretty stupid to be afraid of him because he's black.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Papageno: After all – there are black birds, so why shouldn't there be black people?

The Audience: But... that's not... wow. You just compared black people to animals.

[Pamina wakes up.]

Pamina: What the hell? What just happened?

Papageno: You passed out or something. Are you Pamina?

Pamina: HOLY CRAP WHO ARE YOU

Papageno: I'm Papageno! The Queen of the Night sent me and some jackass of a prince to find you.

Pamina: My mother sent you?

Papageno: Yes – assuming you're actually Pamina and not some random bondage enthusiast. I met this prince named Tamino earlier today and your mother thought he was handsome and stuff so she gave him your portrait and he fell in love with you right away!

Pamina: If he loves me so much, where the hell is he?

Papageno: Um... he sent me ahead to announce his arrival.

Pamina: Uh-huh.

Papageno: Yeah.

[He helps her out of the fuzzy handcuffs.]

Pamina: He has no idea where you are, does he.

Papageno: None at all. I'm completely fucking lost.

Pamina: Wonderful. I'm glad my rescuers are so competent.

Papageno: Look, can we just leave before Sarastro finds us and skins me alive? We have to get you back to your true love and everything.

Pamina: And I'm sure you have to get back to your wife!

Papageno: Nope.

Pamina: Girlfriend?

Papageno: Nnnnope.

Pamina: ... favorite prostitute?

Papageno: Surprisingly, there aren't many hookers who will accept payment in live birds.

Pamina: That's not as surprising as you might think.

Papageno: OH GOD I'M SO LONELY

Pamina: [patting him on the shoulder] It's okay. I'm sure you'll find a sweetheart eventually.

Papageno: But I want to get laid nooooow

Pamina: LOVE IS AWESOME AND IT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING

Papageno: FALLING IN LOVE AND HAVING BABIES IS A WOMAN'S MAIN DUTY IN LIFE

Both: WE LOVE THE IDEA OF LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE WILL BOTH ATTEMPT SUICIDE WHEN WE THINK OUR RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T GOING TO WORK OUT

The Audience: Nice to know you guys handle your problems in a healthy fashion.

[Pamina and Papageno have become best friends over the course of a three-minute duet, which is less of a problem than you might think because it actually makes more sense than instantly falling in love with someone's portrait. They join hands and run offstage. The scene changes once more, this time to a nearby grove. There are three temple gates here: the Temple of Nature, the Temple of Reason, and the Temple of Wisdom. Tamino enters with the Three Spirits.]

Tamino: Where the hell are we now?

First Spirit: We're at the Temple of Wisdom.

Tamino: And I'll find Pamina inside?

Second Spirit: Who said anything about Pamina?

Tamino: But –

Third Spirit: Here's the thing. You're kind of a wuss, so you won't be worthy of Pamina until you figure out how to be a man.

Tamino: And how do I do that?

First Spirit: You must be swift as a coursing river!

Second Spirit: With all the force of a great typhoon!

Third Spirit: With all the strength of a raging fire!

All Three: MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON

[They leave.]

Tamino: ... that didn't help at all.

[He looks around at the temples.]

Tamino: Welllll I still have to rescue Pamina, so I should probably go inside.

[He tries the door on the right.]

Disembodied Voices: NOPE

Tamino: Huh. Guess I'll try the door on the left.

Disembodied Voices: GTFO

Tamino: Son of a bitch. Well, let's see what's behind door number three!

[The door opens to reveal the Speaker, a member of Sarastro's order.]

The Speaker: What the hell do you want?

Tamino: Um... love and virtue and stuff like that.

The Speaker: You're a terrible liar. You're here to pick a fight.

Tamino: Not with you! Just with an evil sorcerer named Sarastro.

The Speaker: Sarastro's my boss.

Tamino: He lives in the Temple of Wisdom?

The Speaker: Yuuuuup.

Tamino: DAMMIT

[He starts to leave.]

The Speaker: You're just gonna walk away? What about your quest?

Tamino: Meh.

The Speaker: You know Sarastro isn't actually evil, right?

Tamino: He's totally evil! He kidnaps people and stuff!

The Speaker: Let me guess... you heard this from a woman?

Tamino: The Queen of the Night told me herself!

The Speaker: Yeah, you probably shouldn't believe anything that women tell you because they're all evil bitches and all they do is gossip.

Tamino: Huh. So Sarastro didn't kidnap Pamina?

The Speaker: Oh, he kidnapped the shit out of her – but he did it for a good reason.

Tamino: Which is... ?

The Speaker: I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Tamino: Well, how do I learn the answer?

The Speaker: Only by passing the trials of manhood and wisdom and joining our cult!

[He goes back inside and shuts the door.]

Tamino: Dammit. Will anyone ever tell me what's going on?

Disembodied Voices: Maybe soon! Or maybe never.

Tamino: GODDAMMIT STOP BEING SO MYSTERIOUS

Disembodied Voices: Nnnnnope.

Tamino: Fine. Can you just tell me if Pamina is still alive?

Disembodied Voices: Yeah, she's still alive.

Tamino: Yaaaaaaaaay

[He celebrates by sitting down and playing his flute. A bunch of animals come out of the woods, become entranced by the magic music, and start dancing.]

Tamino: THIS FLUTE IS SO AWESOME AND MAGICAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE AN OPERA ABOUT IT

The Audience: Soooo does the whole "controlling wild animals" thing serve any purpose in the opera other than taking up time?

Mozart: Nope. But it's pretty cool, right?

The Audience: Not really.

[Tamino keeps playing until he hears Papageno's pan-flute sounding nearby.]

Tamino: Hey! That sounds like Papageno!

[The magic flute and the pan pipes play back and forth a couple times, and Tamino rushes offstage to find Papageno. Papageno and Pamina run onstage from the other direction.]

The Audience: [facepalm]

Papageno: Oh man, we're so good at escaping! We should be fine as long as we stay quiet –

Pamina: HEY TAMINO WHERE ARE YOU

Papageno: LOWER YOUR GODDAMN VOICE

[Papageno plays his pipes. Tamino's flute answers nearby.]

Pamina: Yaaaay let's go find my pretty prince!

[Monostatos and his slaves enter.]

Monostatos: Or not.

Pamina and Papageno: SHIIIIIT

Monostatos: You'll never escape me, princess! Evil laughter!

Papageno: Hmm. Let's see what happens when I play the Deus Ex Glockenspiel...

[He starts playing. Monostatos and the slaves are immediately entranced by the music and start dancing.]

Monostatos: wooowww soooo prettyyyyyy

The Slaves: yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh

Papageno: That's right, bitches. Twirl for me.

[Monostatos and the slaves dance right offstage.]

Pamina and Papageno: THIS IS THE BEST GLOCKENSPIEL EVER

The Audience: … that's not really saying much.

[Suddenly, there are trumpets and an offstage chorus!]

Offstage Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO 'CAUSE HE'S PRETTY COOL

Papageno: Shit. What do we do?

The Audience: You could do the exact same thing you did two minutes ago and play your glockenspiel.

Papageno: No, because that would be the intelligent thing to do. Any other ideas?

Pamina: We'll just have to tell the truth and face our punishment!

Papageno: Screw that. I'm hiding.

[Papageno cowers and Pamina stands her ground. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: YAAAY FOR SARASTRO

Pamina: [kneeling before Sarastro] Sorry I tried to escape; your evil black servant was just being super molest-y.

Sarastro: It's okay. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.

Pamina: So can I go back to my mother?

Sarastro: Nope. She's an evil whore.

Pamina: But –

Sarastro: If I let you go back to her, she'll ruin you with her womanly ways.

Pamina: In case you hadn't noticed, I'm also a woman.

Sarastro: But you're still relatively innocent – and if you stay here long enough, you'll become so masculine that you'll barely be a woman at all!

Pamina: Yippee.

[Monostatos enters, dragging Tamino behind him.]

Monostatos: MASTER I FOUND THIS ASSHOLE SNOOPING AROUND THE TEMPLE

[Tamino and Pamina see each other.]

Pamina: My prince!

Tamino: My princess!

Both: [embracing each other] AND IIIIIIIIIIIIeeeIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUUUUUU

The Chorus: Aaahhhh they're touching each other! Gross!

[Monostatos pulls the lovers apart.]

Monostatos: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMAN

[He kneels before Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Master, this guy was planning on stealing the princess! You have to punish him and reward me for my loyal service!

Sarastro: Oh, you'll be rewarded, all right –

Monostatos: Yaaaaaaaay

Sarastro: – with seventy-seven lashes on the soles of your feet!

[Several chorus members grab Monostatos and drag him offstage.]

Monostatos: do not waaaaaaaaant

The Audience: So, wait. Sarastro's supposed to be a good guy, right?

Mozart: Yup.

The Audience: But he's a misogynistic asshole who owns slaves and will torture them at the drop of a hat?

Mozart: He sure is!

The Audience: So... why exactly is he better than the Queen of the Night?

Mozart: Because he has a penis.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Sarastro: Let Tamino and Papageno be blindfolded and led off to undergo some dangerous trials which they may not survive!

Papageno: Goddammit.

The Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]