Pagliacci, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.

The Audience: Brilliant plan.

Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!

The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.

[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]

Beppe: :(

[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]

Beppe: :( :( :(

[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]

The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW

Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!

Tonio: I hate you all so much.

The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY

[Beppe and Nedda enter.]

Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US

The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.

[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]

The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE

[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]

Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.

Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.

Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?

Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.

Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!

Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...

[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]

The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS

[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP

[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]

Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

The Chorus: GET SOME

Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.

[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]

Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE

Nedda: There's Arlecchino!

[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]

Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.

The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY

The Audience: Nooooope.

[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]

Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.

Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.

Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.

Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!

[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]

Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT

Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!

[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]

Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.

Tonio: But -- but --

[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]

Beppe: GTFO N00B

Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.

My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?

Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.

[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]

Nedda: Arlecchino!

Beppe: Colombina!

[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]

The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.

Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS

Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD

Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU

[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]

Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!

Nedda: YAAAAAY

[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]

Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT

Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES

[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]

Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!

Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!

[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]

Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT

Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.

[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]

Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW

Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?

Canio: Yuuuuuuup.

Nedda: Why are you home early?

Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?

Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.

[Tonio steps out of the closet.]

R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.

Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL

Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP

The Chorus: oh shit

Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: Whose name?

Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE

The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?

Silvio: Yuuuuup.

Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --

Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY

Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW

Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.

Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!

Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.

Chorus Men: SHUT IT

Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN

Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?

The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER

Nedda: ... fuck.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.

Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU

Nedda: Kinda, yeah.

Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME

Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!

Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME

Nedda: APPARENTLY

Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE

Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.

Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?

Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?

[Canio pulls out a knife.]

The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]

Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.

Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF 

Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER

The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW

[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]

Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK

The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING

Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS

Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...

[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]

The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.

Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO

Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.

[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]

Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.

[Silvio and Nedda both die.]

The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.

The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE

The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.

Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED

The Chorus: ...

The Audience: ...

The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE

[End of the opera.]

Pagliacci, Act I

Pagliacci

An absolute shit-show in two acts (Act II)

Music and Libretto: Ruggero Leoncavallo

[Prologue: Tonio, the scheming hunchback, steps in front of the curtain and directly addresses the audience.]

The Audience: Hey, why do hunchbacks in opera always have to be morally bankrupt?

Leoncavallo: Because their outer ugliness represents their twisted souls?

The Audience: You're an asshole.

Tonio: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN

The Audience: ...

Tonio: That's better. [bowing] Allow me to introduce myself – I'm the Prologue!

The Audience: Hi!

Tonio: Soooo here's the deal. Usually, when someone recites a prologue for the audience, it's full of a bunch of "don't worry if bad stuff happens onstage because none of it is real" bullshit. Well, I'm here to tell you that THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING CASE ANYMORE. This is a true fucking story and Leoncavallo poured his heart and soul into composing this shit and every emotion you see and hear onstage tonight is ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT REAL. Tears? Real. Anger? Real. Murder in a fit of jealous rage? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT'S REAL.

The Audience: Wait. Are you telling us that someone is actually, literally going to get murdered onstage tonight?

Tonio: I'M NOT DONE YET SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tonight, you assholes are going to learn that actors and singers and performers are real people with real emotions who feel the same things that you do.

The Audience: Yeah, we're already aware of that.

Tonio: ... you are?

The Audience: Yeah. It's not a hard concept to grasp.

Tonio: Oh. Shit.

[Awkward silence.]

Tonio: THEN LET'S GET ON WITH THE FUCKING SHOW

[He leaves. The curtain rises.]

The Audience: Well, that was weird.

[Act I: A village in Calabria, some time during the mid-nineteenth century. A trumpet and a drum are heard offstage. A chorus of villagers enters.]

The Chorus: OH SHIT THE CLOWNS ARE COMING YAAAAAAY THEY'RE SO AWESOME

The Audience: Sorry, but no. Clowns are fucking terrifying.

The Chorus: WE LOVE THIS TROUPE OF TRAVELING PERFORMERS BECAUSE THEY MAKE US MOMENTARILY FORGET THAT OUR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING

The Audience: Oh. Well, that makes a bit more sense.

[The performers enter on a large cart, each dressed as a character from the Commedia dell'Arte. Tonio is dressed as Taddeo, the buffoon; Beppe and Nedda are dressed as the lovers Arlecchino and Colombina, respectively; lastly, Nedda's husband Canio is dressed as Pagliaccio, who is Colombina's cuckolded husband.]

Leoncavallo: See, their roles in the show mirror their roles in real life!

The Audience: Yeah, that's great.

Leoncavallo: Except Beppe, because fuck that guy.

Canio: Thank you, good townsfolk –

Chorus Men: YAAAAAAAY ARLECCHINO AND COLOMBINA OTP 4EVER

Chorus Women: WHY WOULD YOU SHIP THEM IT'S SO BORING AND CANON

Canio: Uh... guys?

Chorus Men: SHUT UP THEY'RE ADORABLE

Chorus Women: NUH UH PAGLIECCHINO IS THE ONLY PAIRING THAT MAKES ANY SENSE IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT

Canio: [banging on a drum] WOULD YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP WITH YOUR FANDOM BULLSHIT

The Chorus: [covering their ears] JESUS CHRIST THAT'S LOUD

[Canio keeps banging on the drum.]

The Chorus: DEAR GOD OUR EARS ARE BLEEDING

[Canio stops.]

Canio: Are you guys gonna let me talk now?

The Chorus: AHAHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY

The Audience: No, it wasn't. You people are morons.

The Chorus: LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY

Canio: OKAY I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE ILLITERATE HICKS SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT

The Chorus: Thanks!

Canio: WE'RE PUTTING ON A REALLY FUCKING AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT WITH ALL KINDS OF WACKY HIJINX AND YOU'LL LAUGH AND CRY AND IT'LL BE AMAZING SO Y'ALL BETTER FUCKING BE THERE

The Chorus: WOOOOOO

[Tonio tries to help Nedda down from the cart, but Canio shoves him away.]

Canio: DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE

The Chorus: HA HA EVERYONE LAUGH AT THE CRIPPLED GUY

Tonio: Fuck you guys.

The Audience: No, but seriously. Y'all are assholes.

Random Villager 1: HEY CANIO COME DRINK WITH US

Canio: OKAY

Beppe: I'LL COME TOO

Canio: How about you, Tonio?

Tonio: I'll be along soon; I have to clean the donkey first.

The Audience: Is that supposed to be taken literally or as some sort of euphemism?

Leoncavallo: … can it be both?

Random Villager 2: Watch out, Canio! He's only staying behind so he can bang your hot wife!

[Everyone laughs.]

Canio: AHAHAHAHA YEAH THAT'S REALLY FUNNY but if you say that to me again I'll break your fucking nose.

Random Villager 2: Calm down, man. It was just a joke.

Canio: It's all well and good when Nedda takes a different lover onstage, because that's what's supposed to happen and everyone thinks it's funny. But if I ever found out she had a lover in real life, I'd probably have a serious mental breakdown and murder them both in the most public way possible.

The Chorus: … wait, seriously?

Canio: But I'd never actually do that, because Nedda would never cheat on me!

Nedda: HA HA YEAH TOTALLY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG AND NOT REMOTELY HOT IN ANY WAY

[Suddenly, bagpipes are heard playing offstage.]

The Chorus: OH MAN THE BAGPIPES I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH NOW

The Audience: … wait, there are Italian bagpipes?

Canio: JUST REMEMBER TO COME TO OUR SHOW TONIGHT

The Chorus: WE ARE BELLS NOW DING DONG DING DONG

The Audience: This is stupid.

The Chorus: AND ALL THE TEENAGERS WANT TO MAKE OUT ON THE WAY TO CHURCH BECAUSE THAT'S APPARENTLY A THING IN THIS TIME PERIOD

[Canio exits with Beppe and the villagers. Nedda stays behind.]

Nedda: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck he suspects I'm having an affair and he's probably going to kill me OH GOD WHAT DO I DO

The Audience: Well, you should probably keep calm and think about how you can get out of this dangerous situation.

Nedda: Actually, I think I'm just going to waste my time wishing I could turn into a bird.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Nedda: BIRDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY GO WHEREVER THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND NOTHING CAN STOP THEM

The Audience: Except bigger birds. Or lightning, for that matter.

Nedda: SHUT UP IT'S MY DAYDREAM AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT

[Tonio enters and listens to her.]

Nedda: UP IN THE SKY – IT'S A BIRD – IT'S A PLANE – NO WAIT IT'S DEFINITELY A BIRD BECAUSE PLANES HAVEN'T BEEN INVENTED YET

The Audience: You're crazy.

[Nedda starts to leave and notices Tonio watching her.]

Nedda: JESUS TONIO WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CREEPER

Tonio: It's not my fault! You're so hot that I can't control my own actions!

Nedda: You're gross.

Tonio: NO I'M NOT I'M THE NICEST GUY EVER AND YOU'RE JUST REJECTING ME BECAUSE YOU HATE HUNCHBACKS

Nedda: No, I'm rejecting you because you're an asshole who won't stop sexually harassing me even though I've repeatedly told you I'm not interested and I'm also married to your boss.

Tonio: COME ON STOP FRIENDZONING ME

Nedda: First of all, the friend zone is made-up bullshit. Second, I don't even want to be your friend, so please fuck off already.

Tonio: WHATEVER YOU'RE JUST A BITCH AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY

Nedda: Just leave before I call Canio and he beats the hell out of you.

Tonio: HE WON'T GET HERE BEFORE I GET SOME

[Tonio attempts to grab Nedda and kiss her. Nedda grabs a whip left by the cart and whacks Tonio in the face.]

The Audience: Boom. Headshot.

Nedda: MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE I WRECK YOU

Tonio: [running away] I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE

Nedda: What a fucking asshole.

[Enter Silvio, Nedda's secret lover.]

Silvio: Nedda!

Nedda: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY

Silvio: You worry too much. Canio's at the tavern, and I made sure no one saw me on my way here!

Nedda: Yeah, well. If you'd gotten here any sooner, Tonio would have seen you.

Silvio: Whatever. Tonio's just an idiot.

Nedda: And an attempted rapist.

Silvio: Jesus Christ. Are you okay?

Nedda: Yeah, I'm fine. I hit him in the face with a whip.

Silvio: That's my girl.

[They embrace.]

Silvio: Soooo since your life with the traveling circus sucks so much, how about running away with me?

Nedda: You know I can't.

Silvio: Come onnnnnnnn you don't even love Canio and you never have so why are you still with him and why don't you want to run away and don't you love meeeeeeeeeeee

The Audience: Jesus. Are all the men in this opera crazy, needy, or some combination of the above?

Leoncavallo: Yeah, pretty much.

Nedda: It's too dangerous, darling. It would be better for us to part ways and pretend this never happened.

[Tonio enters, unseen.]

Silvio: THEN YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE

Tonio: [to himself] She's cheating on Canio? Time to get my Iago on!

[He runs off.]

Nedda: Of course I love you, Silvio!

Silvio: BUT YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE AND I'M GONNA BE SAD

Nedda: But –

Silvio: I DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE

I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY

I REALLY DON'T THINK I'M STRONG ENOUGH

Nedda: Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine, I'll run away with you and we'll live happily ever after and stuff.

Silvio: Really?

Nedda: Really.

[They start making out as Tonio and Canio arrive, hidden in the shadows.]

The Audience: He moves pretty quickly for a hunchback.

Silvio: [to Nedda] Meet me at midnight, and then we can be together forever!

The Audience: That's not even remotely ominous wording.

Nedda: Yes, I'll be yours forever!

Canio: A-HA

Nedda: OH SHIT IT'S MY HUSBAND – RUUUUUUUN

[Tonio and Canio emerge from their hiding place, but Silvio escapes before Canio can see his face. Canio chases him off.]

Canio: [offstage] WHERE ARE YOU GODDAMMIT

[Tonio laughs.]

Nedda: Is this your fault?

Tonio: Yuuuuuuuuuup.

Nedda: This is low, even for you.

Tonio: It serves you right, harlot.

Nedda: Fuck yourself.

[Canio re-enters.]

Canio: WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT

Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Canio: [drawing his knife] TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL KILL YOU

Nedda: Not gonna happen.

[Canio raises his knife to stab her, but Beppe rushes in and stops him.]

Beppe: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN PUT DOWN THE KNIFE

Canio: NEVER

Beppe: THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE COMING AND THE SHOW STARTS IN TWENTY MINUTES

Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME

Beppe: CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO GET READY

[Tonio takes Canio off to one side as Beppe talks to Nedda.]

Nedda: Are we seriously going to do a show after he just tried to kill me?

Beppe: Oh, you know Canio. He'll calm down soon enough.

Nedda: And what if he doesn't?

Beppe: It's not like he'll try anything with the whole town watching. Come on – what could go wrong?

The Audience: [groan]

[Nedda exits.]

Canio: [to Tonio] What the fuck am I gonna do now?

Tonio: Just stay calm and get ready for the show. Nedda's lover will probably be there, so maybe you can kill two birds with one knife!

The Audience: You mean stone.

Tonio: I know what I mean.

Beppe: COME ON YOU GUYS GET DRESSED ALREADY

[Tonio and Beppe exit. Canio begins to get ready.]

Canio: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PERFORM WHEN I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME OH GOD MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED

[He starts putting on his makeup and costume.]

Canio: SMIIIILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS ACHING

SMIIIIILE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING

At Least a Quarter of the Audience: Ohhhh, we get it now! This is that opera about the sad clown, isn't it?

Everyone Else: Oh, for fuck's sake.

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II