[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
Previous installments: Act I, Act II, Act III
Act IV: Back in the shitty apartment from Act I. It's spring now, but everything still looks drab as fuck.
Puccini: This act starts in mid-conversation! Isn't that cool?
The Audience: Yeah sure whatever.
Marcello: So you saw Musetta?
Rodolfo: Yuuup. She was in a carriage and looking foxy as hell.
Marcello: grumble grumble dirty whore
Rodolfo: So I was all like "Hey" and she was all like "Hey yourself" and then I was like "Marcello is still totally pining for you" and she was like "Wow, what a pussy."
Marcello: Thanks. Good to know you've got my back, douche.
Rodolfo: Any time!
Marcello: And speaking of being a little bitch about exes, I saw Mimi the other day!
Rodolfo: ... goddammit.
Marcello: Yeah, she's totally shacking up with some rich guy who's buying her a bunch of fancy shit and just generally treating her better than you could ever hope to. Soooooo you can eat a bag of dicks.
Rodolfo: Whatever; I'm totally over her.
Marcello: Sure you are.
Rodolfo: Just shut up and let me work.
Marcello: YOU shut up.
[Rodolfo goes back to his writing and Marcello goes back to his painting. To no one's surprise, they get absolutely nothing done.]
Both: WE'RE STILL TERRIBLE AT WHAT WE DO
The Audience: Yuuuuuup.
[Rodolfo takes out Mimi's pink bonnet and Marcello takes out Musetta's favorite pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Both men start stroking their respective keepsakes lovingly.]
The Audience: This is... slightly uncomfortable.
Rodolfo: Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Marcello: But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
Both: I GUESS THAT I DON'T NEED THAT THOUGH
NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW
The Audience: SING A BETTER SONG
[They pause and look at each other.]
Rodolfo: DO YOU BELIEEEEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE
Marcello: I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY --
Both: -- I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH
The Audience: Your gay is showing, boys.
Marcello: Fuck off.
Rodolfo: So is it just me, or are we starving to death again?
Marcello: Pretty much.
Rodolfo: Huh. Maybe one of us should get a job.
Marcello: Hey, now. Let's not start talking crazy.
[Enter Schaunard and Colline, carrying bread and also a pickled herring because why the fuck not.]
Schaunard: HEY GUYS WE'RE BACK
Rodolfo: What took you so long? Did you stop for a quickie on the way?
Schaunard: OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY GAY AND WE'RE NOT GAY AT ALL
Colline: [wiping off his mouth] Um, yeah. What he said.
Marcello: WOW THIS BREAD LOOKS LIKE A DELICIOUS CHANGE OF SUBJECT
Schaunard: THIS TRULY IS A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET
Rodolfo: WHO WANTS SOME SALMON
Marcello: TRY THE SAUTÉED BREAST OF PARROT
Puccini: See what I did there? It's funny because they're not actually eating all that stuff they say they are.
The Audience: Yeah, you're a genius. Shut up.
Colline: WHILE WE ARE ENGAGING IN JOCULAR HYPERBOLE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD MENTION THAT THE KING HAS HIRED ME TO BE HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR
The Audience: ... is this what they think humor is?
Schaunard: LET'S DRINK A TOAST
Everyone Else: Nnnnnnope.
Schaunard: PLEEEEEASE
Everyone Else: Shut up.
Schaunard: Fine. Anyone want to dance?
Everyone Else: OHMIGOD YES
Marcello: I'LL BE THE LADY
[Awkward silence. Everyone looks at Marcello.]
Marcello: I mean... only if no one else wants to.
[Everyone splits up into pairs. Rodolfo dances with Marcello and Schaunard dances with Colline because they're attached at the dick. Things go downhill pretty quickly.]
Colline: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DANCE
Schaunard: YOUR MOM DID
Marcello and Rodolfo: Ohhhhh snap.
Colline: DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MOM
Schaunard: I DO WHAT I WANT
Colline: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU
[And then they duel with kitchen implements because they're apparently eight years old.]
The Audience: You know, this is actually pretty enjoyable and not depressing at all!
[Musetta bursts in like a total fucking buzzkill.]
Musetta: HEY YOU GUYS MIMI IS TOTALLY DYING
The Audience: Goddammit.
Mimi: Oh hey, guys. Don't mind me; my lungs are just turning inside out.
Rodolfo: MIMI I MISSED YOU SO MUCH
Mimi: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TOO EVEN THOUGH MY CURRENT SUGAR DADDY DOESN'T VERBALLY ABUSE ME AND EXACERBATE MY LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS LIKE YOU DID
Musetta: She wanted to spend her last moments here. God only knows why; this place is a shit-hole.
Mimi: I have so many fond memories of this place! I feel better already!
[Mimi vomits blood all over the couch.]
Schaunard: NOT ON THE UPHOLSTERY
Colline: WE JUST HAD IT STEAM-CLEANED
Rodolfo: Would you assholes shut up and let me continue my epic grief-wank?
Schaunard and Colline: ... sorry.
Mimi: Jesus, it's cold in here.
The Audience: How do you not remember that? It's kind of an important plot point.
Mimi: I wish I had something to warm up my hands...
Rodolfo: GOD WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEEDY
Mimi: I'M DYING SO I THINK IT'S ALLOWED
Rodolfo: Fiiiiiine. We'll get you some mittens or something -- but we're hella broke, so Colline will probably have to sell his stupid coat.
Colline: [whimpers]
Mimi: Oh -- hello, Marcello! And Schaunard and Colline are here too!
Marcello: BITCH WE'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU THIS WHOLE TIME
Mimi: You know, you and Musetta made a pretty cute couple. You two should get back together!
Marcello and Musetta: Hmmmmmmm...
The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR GENITALS
Marcello: I... have to go. Outside. To buy medicine.
Musetta: I also have to go, for a similarly selfless reason that in no way involves hot, incredibly dirty sex in the alley behind the building.
The Audience: We can only hope that the opera ends with the building catching fire and killing all of you assholes.
[Marcello and Musetta leave.]
Colline: I WILL NOW SELL MY BELOVED COAT
Schaunard: AND I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO DO
Colline: You should come with me! Let Mimi and Rodolfo get their bone on one last time.
Schaunard: Good call.
[They leave Rodolfo and Mimi alone.]
Mimi: Are they gone yet? I was pretending to be asleep because I can't stand those assholes.
Rodolfo: I thought you liked them!
Mimi: Yeah, and you also thought you routinely gave me multiple orgasms. What's your point?
Rodolfo: Wait, what?
Mimi: Nothing. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Rodolfo: I LOVE YOU TOO
Mimi: Do you still think I'm pretty?
Rodolfo: As pretty as a sunrise!
Mimi: Actually, considering the circumstances, "pretty as a sunset" might be more appropriate.
Rodolfo: BITCH I'M A POET I SAID SUNRISE AND I MEANT IT
Mimi: Oooookay. On a completely different note, do you remember when I said I had no idea why people called me Mimi?
Rodolfo: Yes?
Mimi: Well, I still have no idea. And now I'm gonna die, so we'll never know!
Rodolfo: Huh. Somehow that managed to be both depressing and completely pointless.
The Audience: I know, right?
Rodolfo: By the way, I kept your bonnet! I tenderly stroke it every day because it reminds me of you.
Mimi: That's... great. Hey, remember that time when we met and I dropped my key in your apartment and you found it right away but pretended you hadn't so you could keep me in your apartment?
Rodolfo: Yuuuup.
Mimi: I only just realized how creepy that was. I guess I'm pretty lucky that you weren't a serial killer or something.
Rodolfo: Oh, I totally am. You just don't fit my usual victim profile.
The Audience: That explains SO MUCH
[Mimi coughs up one of her bronchial tubes.]
Rodolfo: OH NOOOO
[Schaunard rushes back in to see what's wrong, and then does absolutely nothing to help.]
Mimi: sputter hack drool
Rodolfo: Aaaaand that's what you get for talking too much.
[Marcello and Musetta return.]
Marcello: We went to the doctor; he's on his way.
Musetta: Also, here's a muff to warm your hands!
Mimi: [to Rodolfo] Awwww. You bought this for me?
Rodolfo: Uhhhhh... yes. Yes I did.
Musetta: Oh HELL naw. I sold my fucking earrings to buy that muff, and this asshole gets all the credit?
Marcello: Sure looks like it!
[Rodolfo cries like a little bitch and Mimi goes to sleep.]
Musetta: Dear Jesus -- if you let Mimi get better, then I promise I'll stop being such a dirty whore all the time. Thanks.
Schaunard: Ummm... she's totally dead, guys.
Musetta: Thanks for nothing, Jesus.
[Colline finally comes back, minus one coat.]
Colline: I have nothing useful to show for my trouble except a couple of coins!
Schaunard: Aaaand you're also too late. Bitch be dead.
Colline: FUCK
The Audience: Well, that was pointless.
Rodolfo: Hey, why's everyone whispering and looking at me like that?
Marcello: Um... we're planning you a surprise birthday party?
Rodolfo: But my birthday isn't for another six months!
Marcello: Shit. Yeah, Mimi's totally dead.
The Audience: This is stupid and these people are all assholes. Are we supposed to care that --
The Orchestra: LARGO SOSTENUTO
Rodolfo: MIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
The Audience: OH GOD SO MANY FEELINGS
[End of the opera.]
Showing posts with label tuberculosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tuberculosis. Show all posts
Thursday, August 23, 2012
La bohème, Act III
[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
Previous installments: Act I, Act II
Act III: The Barrière d'Enfer, a toll-gate on the outskirts of Paris. There's also a tavern because everyone in this opera is always drunk. It's some time around the ass-crack of dawn.
Street Sweepers: OPEN THE GATE WE'RE FREEZING OUR NUTS OFF
Toll-Gate Guy: Calm your tits, I'll be there in a minute.
Women in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE SONG
Musetta: HEY DO YOU GUYS RECOGNIZE THIS MELODY
The Audience: Yeah, it's your aria from Act II. Do you want a medal or something?
Men in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING DRINKING SONG
The Audience: So, wait. It's already Act III and no one's dead yet? What the hell kind of opera is this?
Milkmaids: Hey girl haaaaaaaaay
Toll-Gate Guy: Oh I am so sick of these bitches.
[Toll-Gate Guy checks the contents of everyone's baskets as they come through the gate.]
Milkmaids: CHICKEN AND EGGS
The Audience: Yes Puccini thank you for this little slice of life NOW CAN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN
The Orchestra: MI CHIAMANO MIIIIMIIIIIIIIIII
The Audience: Finally.
[Mimi enters, looking sickly, and approaches the Other Toll-Gate Guy.]
Mimi: Hey, I'm looking for a tavern where a painter works. Little help?
Other Toll-Gate Guy: This is Paris, you dumb slut. Literally every tavern in the city has at least one painter.
Mimi: This one's named Marcello.
Other Toll-Gate Guy: Not ringing any bells.
Mimi: Studly baritone? Hangs out with a dominatrix?
Other Toll-Gate Guy: Oh, that Marcello. Yeah, he's in the tavern upstage left.
The Audience: That was convenient.
Mimi: Hey, random woman -- could you go into that tavern and find a painter named Marcello? I really need to talk to him.
Random Woman: Yeah sure whatever. Wanna give me a couple francs to make it worth my while?
Mimi: I'm broke as fuck, so probably not.
Random Woman: grumble grumble grumble
[Random Woman goes into the tavern, and Marcello emerges shortly thereafter.]
Marcello: Oh hey, Mimi. I'm guessing you were the cheapskate bitch who needed to talk to me?
Mimi: Yuuuuup.
Marcello: What's so damn important that we have to talk outside? It's fucking freezing out here, and I'm sure that can't be good for that completely harmless cough you've had for a while now.
Mimi: Is Rodolfo inside?
Marcello: Yeah, why?
Mimi: Wellllllll I'm about to bitch about him, so the tavern isn't really the best option. Better get used to the cold, wuss.
Marcello: Go to hell. So what's the problem?
Mimi: The problem is that Rodolfo's a fucking nutcase.
The Audience: FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZES THIS
Marcello: Ooookay... care to elaborate on that?
Mimi: He's always suspicious and he yells at me and tells me I'm a terrible girlfriend and also HE STARES AT ME WHILE I SLEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO READ MY MIND.
Twilight Fans in the Audience: Wait, I don't get it. Is that supposed to be a bad thing?
The Rest of the Audience: WHO THE HELL LET YOU PEOPLE INTO THE THEATER
Marcello: You two dumb bitches wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it bent you over the table and sodomized you with a giant pink strap-on.
The Audience: That was... oddly phrased. And also weirdly specific.
Marcello: And speaking of which, Musetta and I are doing great!
Mimi: Oh. Oh god. That was a mental image I didn't even remotely need.
Marcello: I'm not gonna lie, though; I'm pretty sore. Sometimes the friction gets so bad that I just --
Mimi: YES OKAY SHUT UP
Marcello: Long story short, Musetta and I are the model of a healthy relationship.
Mimi: Uh-huh. You know, you're dumber than you look.
Marcello: What's that supposed to mean?
Mimi: Nothing, sweetie. OH SHIT RODOLFO'S COMING I THINK I'LL HIDE
Marcello: That seems like a perfectly normal reaction.
[Mimi conceals herself just as Rodolfo enters from the tavern.]
Rodolfo: There you are. What the hell are you doing out here in the cold?
Marcello: DEFINITELY NOT LISTENING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU
Rodolfo: Wait, what?
Marcello: I mean... just getting some fresh air. Like you do.
Rodolfo: Whatever. Anyway, I think I'm probably going to break up with Mimi.
Marcello: Because you're a little bitch?
Rodolfo: 'Cause she's a ho.
Marcello: ... really.
Rodolfo: To be more specific, she's a ho fo' sho'.
Marcello: Yeah, I don't think that's actually true.
Rodolfo: OKAY FINE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S DYING OF CONSUMPTION BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET SO YOU CAN'T TELL HER
Mimi: [still hiding] ... son of a BITCH.
Marcello: Okay, I have a couple questions. First of all, how in the actual fuck do you know about her debilitating illness when she apparently doesn't?
Rodolfo: Um...
Marcello: Because last time I checked, coughing up bloody chunks of your own respiratory system was pretty fucking hard to miss.
Rodolfo: Huh. That really doesn't make any goddamn sense, does it.
The Audience: Nnnnnnnope.
Puccini: Fuck all y'all haters. You can just deal with it.
Marcello: Second, are you telling me that Mimi is literally dying and -- instead of doing anything to help -- you decided the best course of action would be to start verbally and emotionally abusing her?
Rodolfo: Apparently. Also, I'm pretty sure that making her live in my tiny, dirty, frigid apartment is only exacerbating her condition.
Marcello: Wow. I think you might be the worst human being I've ever met.
The Audience: Wasn't this opera supposed to be romantic?
Mimi: [starts coughing up a lung]
Rodolfo: OH SHIT IT'S MIMI
Marcello: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she heard everything. Have a fun breakup, bro.
Mimi: WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE TUBERCULOSIS
Rodolfo: I thought it would be better to make your life a living hell until you decided to leave me and my death trap of an apartment! Honest!
Marcello: God, you guys are so fucked up. It's too bad you can't be happy and carefree like Musetta and I are!
[Musetta's laugh is heard from the tavern.]
Marcello: MUSETTA YOU DIRTY WHORE IF YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE ELSE I'M GONNA FLAY YOU ALIVE AND USE YOUR SKIN AS A CANVAS
The Audience: Holy shit. Is anyone in this opera not a complete fucking psychopath?
[Marcello rushes offstage with murder on the brain.]
Mimi: Sooooo yeah. We're pretty much done here.
Rodolfo: But I love youuuuuu
Mimi: I mean... I still love you for some reason, but I also love being alive and not being in an abusive relationship. Soooo I'm gonna send someone to pick up my things, but you can keep that bonnet you bought me.
Rodolfo: So I can treasure the memory of our time together?
Mimi: No, mostly because I just realized it's garish as fuck.
Rodolfo: Oh. Well, I guess now would be a good time to reminisce about all my favorite parts of the relationship!
Mimi: And I will dwell on everything negative!
The Men in the Audience: Sounds pretty accurate.
Mimi: Goodbye to jealousy and suspicion!
Rodolfo: Goodbye to all that great sex we had!
Mimi: Goodbye to the constant fighting!
Rodolfo: And also great sex!
Mimi: But you know what sucks? Being single in the winter. It's just, like... super depressing.
Rodolfo: Totally. It would be so much better if we could wait to break up until spring.
Both: Hmmmmmm....
The Audience: NO NO NO YOU FUCKING MORONS
[Musetta enters, pursued by an irate Marcello.]
Marcello: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU JUST DOING
Musetta: I don't know what you mean.
Marcello: No, really. You're gonna have to explain what I just saw, because I have no fucking idea what that was. There were ropes everywhere and several midgets and a bottle of ranch dressing and... was that a lemur?
Musetta: I was just having some fun. You need to chill out.
Marcello: YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES
Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT
Marcello: I REFUSE TO BE CUCKOLDED THIS WAY
Musetta: Too late, bitch!
Marcello: SLUT
Musetta: PUSSY
Marcello: SHE-DEVIL
Musetta: MEDIOCRE PAINTER
Marcello: Oh no you didn't.
[Marcello and Musetta exit, screaming profanities at each other.]
Rodolfo: So it's agreed: you'll stay in my drafty-ass apartment during the coldest part of the year, despite my earlier suspicions that living there was literally killing you, and then you'll move out in the spring when it starts getting warm again!
Mimi: My favorite part of this plan is how much sense it makes!
Both: OUR LOVE IS SO BEAUTIFUL
The Audience: ....... what the FUCK.
[End of Act III.]
Next installment: Act IV
Previous installments: Act I, Act II
Act III: The Barrière d'Enfer, a toll-gate on the outskirts of Paris. There's also a tavern because everyone in this opera is always drunk. It's some time around the ass-crack of dawn.
Street Sweepers: OPEN THE GATE WE'RE FREEZING OUR NUTS OFF
Toll-Gate Guy: Calm your tits, I'll be there in a minute.
Women in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE SONG
Musetta: HEY DO YOU GUYS RECOGNIZE THIS MELODY
The Audience: Yeah, it's your aria from Act II. Do you want a medal or something?
Men in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING DRINKING SONG
The Audience: So, wait. It's already Act III and no one's dead yet? What the hell kind of opera is this?
Milkmaids: Hey girl haaaaaaaaay
Toll-Gate Guy: Oh I am so sick of these bitches.
[Toll-Gate Guy checks the contents of everyone's baskets as they come through the gate.]
Milkmaids: CHICKEN AND EGGS
The Audience: Yes Puccini thank you for this little slice of life NOW CAN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN
The Orchestra: MI CHIAMANO MIIIIMIIIIIIIIIII
The Audience: Finally.
[Mimi enters, looking sickly, and approaches the Other Toll-Gate Guy.]
Mimi: Hey, I'm looking for a tavern where a painter works. Little help?
Other Toll-Gate Guy: This is Paris, you dumb slut. Literally every tavern in the city has at least one painter.
Mimi: This one's named Marcello.
Other Toll-Gate Guy: Not ringing any bells.
Mimi: Studly baritone? Hangs out with a dominatrix?
Other Toll-Gate Guy: Oh, that Marcello. Yeah, he's in the tavern upstage left.
The Audience: That was convenient.
Mimi: Hey, random woman -- could you go into that tavern and find a painter named Marcello? I really need to talk to him.
Random Woman: Yeah sure whatever. Wanna give me a couple francs to make it worth my while?
Mimi: I'm broke as fuck, so probably not.
Random Woman: grumble grumble grumble
[Random Woman goes into the tavern, and Marcello emerges shortly thereafter.]
Marcello: Oh hey, Mimi. I'm guessing you were the cheapskate bitch who needed to talk to me?
Mimi: Yuuuuup.
Marcello: What's so damn important that we have to talk outside? It's fucking freezing out here, and I'm sure that can't be good for that completely harmless cough you've had for a while now.
Mimi: Is Rodolfo inside?
Marcello: Yeah, why?
Mimi: Wellllllll I'm about to bitch about him, so the tavern isn't really the best option. Better get used to the cold, wuss.
Marcello: Go to hell. So what's the problem?
Mimi: The problem is that Rodolfo's a fucking nutcase.
The Audience: FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZES THIS
Marcello: Ooookay... care to elaborate on that?
Mimi: He's always suspicious and he yells at me and tells me I'm a terrible girlfriend and also HE STARES AT ME WHILE I SLEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO READ MY MIND.
Twilight Fans in the Audience: Wait, I don't get it. Is that supposed to be a bad thing?
The Rest of the Audience: WHO THE HELL LET YOU PEOPLE INTO THE THEATER
Marcello: You two dumb bitches wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it bent you over the table and sodomized you with a giant pink strap-on.
The Audience: That was... oddly phrased. And also weirdly specific.
Marcello: And speaking of which, Musetta and I are doing great!
Mimi: Oh. Oh god. That was a mental image I didn't even remotely need.
Marcello: I'm not gonna lie, though; I'm pretty sore. Sometimes the friction gets so bad that I just --
Mimi: YES OKAY SHUT UP
Marcello: Long story short, Musetta and I are the model of a healthy relationship.
Mimi: Uh-huh. You know, you're dumber than you look.
Marcello: What's that supposed to mean?
Mimi: Nothing, sweetie. OH SHIT RODOLFO'S COMING I THINK I'LL HIDE
Marcello: That seems like a perfectly normal reaction.
[Mimi conceals herself just as Rodolfo enters from the tavern.]
Rodolfo: There you are. What the hell are you doing out here in the cold?
Marcello: DEFINITELY NOT LISTENING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU
Rodolfo: Wait, what?
Marcello: I mean... just getting some fresh air. Like you do.
Rodolfo: Whatever. Anyway, I think I'm probably going to break up with Mimi.
Marcello: Because you're a little bitch?
Rodolfo: 'Cause she's a ho.
Marcello: ... really.
Rodolfo: To be more specific, she's a ho fo' sho'.
Marcello: Yeah, I don't think that's actually true.
Rodolfo: OKAY FINE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S DYING OF CONSUMPTION BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET SO YOU CAN'T TELL HER
Mimi: [still hiding] ... son of a BITCH.
Marcello: Okay, I have a couple questions. First of all, how in the actual fuck do you know about her debilitating illness when she apparently doesn't?
Rodolfo: Um...
Marcello: Because last time I checked, coughing up bloody chunks of your own respiratory system was pretty fucking hard to miss.
Rodolfo: Huh. That really doesn't make any goddamn sense, does it.
The Audience: Nnnnnnnope.
Puccini: Fuck all y'all haters. You can just deal with it.
Marcello: Second, are you telling me that Mimi is literally dying and -- instead of doing anything to help -- you decided the best course of action would be to start verbally and emotionally abusing her?
Rodolfo: Apparently. Also, I'm pretty sure that making her live in my tiny, dirty, frigid apartment is only exacerbating her condition.
Marcello: Wow. I think you might be the worst human being I've ever met.
The Audience: Wasn't this opera supposed to be romantic?
Mimi: [starts coughing up a lung]
Rodolfo: OH SHIT IT'S MIMI
Marcello: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she heard everything. Have a fun breakup, bro.
Mimi: WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE TUBERCULOSIS
Rodolfo: I thought it would be better to make your life a living hell until you decided to leave me and my death trap of an apartment! Honest!
Marcello: God, you guys are so fucked up. It's too bad you can't be happy and carefree like Musetta and I are!
[Musetta's laugh is heard from the tavern.]
Marcello: MUSETTA YOU DIRTY WHORE IF YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE ELSE I'M GONNA FLAY YOU ALIVE AND USE YOUR SKIN AS A CANVAS
The Audience: Holy shit. Is anyone in this opera not a complete fucking psychopath?
[Marcello rushes offstage with murder on the brain.]
Mimi: Sooooo yeah. We're pretty much done here.
Rodolfo: But I love youuuuuu
Mimi: I mean... I still love you for some reason, but I also love being alive and not being in an abusive relationship. Soooo I'm gonna send someone to pick up my things, but you can keep that bonnet you bought me.
Rodolfo: So I can treasure the memory of our time together?
Mimi: No, mostly because I just realized it's garish as fuck.
Rodolfo: Oh. Well, I guess now would be a good time to reminisce about all my favorite parts of the relationship!
Mimi: And I will dwell on everything negative!
The Men in the Audience: Sounds pretty accurate.
Mimi: Goodbye to jealousy and suspicion!
Rodolfo: Goodbye to all that great sex we had!
Mimi: Goodbye to the constant fighting!
Rodolfo: And also great sex!
Mimi: But you know what sucks? Being single in the winter. It's just, like... super depressing.
Rodolfo: Totally. It would be so much better if we could wait to break up until spring.
Both: Hmmmmmm....
The Audience: NO NO NO YOU FUCKING MORONS
[Musetta enters, pursued by an irate Marcello.]
Marcello: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU JUST DOING
Musetta: I don't know what you mean.
Marcello: No, really. You're gonna have to explain what I just saw, because I have no fucking idea what that was. There were ropes everywhere and several midgets and a bottle of ranch dressing and... was that a lemur?
Musetta: I was just having some fun. You need to chill out.
Marcello: YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES
Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT
Marcello: I REFUSE TO BE CUCKOLDED THIS WAY
Musetta: Too late, bitch!
Marcello: SLUT
Musetta: PUSSY
Marcello: SHE-DEVIL
Musetta: MEDIOCRE PAINTER
Marcello: Oh no you didn't.
[Marcello and Musetta exit, screaming profanities at each other.]
Rodolfo: So it's agreed: you'll stay in my drafty-ass apartment during the coldest part of the year, despite my earlier suspicions that living there was literally killing you, and then you'll move out in the spring when it starts getting warm again!
Mimi: My favorite part of this plan is how much sense it makes!
Both: OUR LOVE IS SO BEAUTIFUL
The Audience: ....... what the FUCK.
[End of Act III.]
Next installment: Act IV
La bohème, Act II
[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
Previous installments: Act I
Act II: Cafe Momus, the hang-out of choice for douchey Parisian hipsters. Still Christmas Eve.
The Chorus: WE'RE DRUNK
Street Urchins: WE'RE OBNOXIOUS
Vendors: GET SOME HOT COCOA, BITCHES
[Enter Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline. Schaunard makes a beeline for the music vendor.]
Schaunard: Hey, this trumpet is super out of tune. I'll take it!
The Audience: For the love of -- WHY DO YOU ALL SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO
Colline: I LOVE MY COAT
Anyone Who Cares About Colline: [does not appear in this scene]
[Enter Mimi and Rodolfo. Their psychotically codependent relationship has gotten exponentially worse since we saw them five minutes ago.]
Rodolfo: I love you!
Mimi: I love you more!
Rodolfo: No, I love you more!
Mimi: Well, I love you most.
The Audience: [vomits everywhere]
Marcello: Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. ... Wanna fuck?
Prune Vendor: WHO WANTS PRUNES
Marcello: Y'all better get ready, 'cause I'm into some weird shit.
Prune Vendor: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU ASSHOLES BETTER BUY SOME GODDAMN PRUNES
Marcello: Anyone? Aaaaanyone? ... Bueller?
Colline: I ALSO LOVE BOOKS
Schaunard: Yeah, no one cares.
Marcello: Well, no one's agreed to have sex with me yet. Let's just get a table.
Mimi: Oh. My. God. Look at this adorable bonnet!
The Audience: Wow. That's... really pink. And frilly.
Rodolfo: Ohmigod it's perfect for you and it brings out your eyes sooooo well!
Mimi: I know, right?
The Audience: It looks like a unicorn vomited.
Mimi: Buy it for me!
Rodolfo: Anything for you, baby.
Mimi: That necklace is pretty cool too...
Rodolfo: BITCH DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY
The Chorus: OH BY THE WAY WE'RE STILL HERE
Rodolfo: WHO WERE YOU LOOKING AT JUST THEN
Mimi: Really? We've been dating for ten minutes and you're already jealous?
Rodolfo: It's only because I love you SO MUCH that I just want to lock you in my attic and keep you ALL TO MYSELF
Mimi: Awww, that's so romantic.
The Audience: [uncomfortable silence]
Schaunard: Waiter! Bring us ALL THE FOOD
Parpignol: I'M SUPER CREEPY AND I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS
[Rodolfo and Mimi finally join the others.]
Rodolfo: Oh hey, guys. This is Mimi and she's my soul mate! Our group kinda sucked before, but now that she's here EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME FOREVER
Marcello: Yeah, good luck with that.
Colline: Pretentious Latin saying!
Schaunard: Witty retort!
Colline: It wasn't actually that witty.
Schaunard: Eat a dick.
Parpignol: WHAT'S UP BITCHES I'M BACK
Colline: SOMEONE BRING ME SOME SALAMI
Street Urchins: AAAAAHHHH IT'S PARPIGNOL AAAHHHHHH
The Audience: Goddammit. We came to the opera to get away from our kids.
Mothers: CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN HE'S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PEDERAST
Parpignol: I also have some candy in my pocket, but you'll have to reach in there to get it.
Street Urchins: YAAAAAY CANDY
[And then he leads all the children away like the Pied Piper and for some reason no one onstage seems to have a problem with it.]
The Audience: Wait, what in the actual fuck just happened?
Puccini: It's a metaphor or something. Stop asking questions.
Marcello: Aaaaaand let's never speak of that again. So what did Rodolfo buy you, Mimi?
Mimi: It's this cute pink bonnet that I really wanted and he knew that I wanted it because we're in love and he can read my heart's deepest desires!
The Audience: Either that or you just told him you wanted one.
Mimi: SHUT UP I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER
Marcello: Whatever, dumbasses. Love is totally overrated.
Mimi: What crawled up his ass?
Rodolfo: He's just pissed 'cause his hot girlfriend left him for a geriatric sugar daddy.
Schaunard: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Colline: MORE BOOZE
Marcello: I solemnly swear that I will never think about Musetta again!
[Musetta's laugh is heard.]
Marcello: GodDAMN it.
The Audience: Well, that was predictable.
[Musetta enters, followed shortly thereafter by Alcindoro, the previously mentioned geriatric sugar daddy.]
The Chorus: OH HEY IT'S MUSETTA DAAAAAMN SHE LOOK FINE
Alcindoro: ... so tired ... my brittle old bones ...
Musetta: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, LULU
The Audience: ... did she just call him "Lulu?"
Musetta: Yuuuuuup.
The Audience: Why would you call him that?
Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT
The Audience: Ooooookay.
Alcindoro: Could you maybe not call me that in public?
Musetta: Excuse me, was I talking to you?
Alcindoro: ... no. Sorry.
Musetta: Sorry WHAT?
Alcindoro: Sorry, mistress.
Musetta: That's better. Now sit there and shut the fuck up while I order everything on the menu.
Alcindoro: Yes, mistress.
Mimi: Soooo is someone gonna tell me who that crazy bitch is?
Marcello: That's Musetta. She's pure evil and she mates with men and devours their hearts and also she has cooties and is a big stupid stupidhead.
Mimi: It's good to know you're handling the breakup so well.
Musetta: HEY MARCELLO OVER HERE LOOK AT ME
Marcello: [drinks a handle of vodka]
Musetta: MARCELLOOOOOOO
Marcello: [throws up]
Musetta: How to get his attention... HEY WAITER THIS PLATE SMELLS FUNNY
[She starts throwing dishes everywhere because she's insane.]
Colline: Wow, this is great food.
Schaunard: I know, right?
Musetta: COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU ASSHOLES
Alcindoro: Hey, mistress... do you think that maybe we could keep the volume and/or property damage to a minimum?
Musetta: Sounds like someone wants to spend another night in the cage.
Alcindoro: [whimpers]
Musetta: Good boy. Time for Plan B!
Alcindoro: What's Plan B?
Musetta: It's where I sing an aria to seduce my ex and then totally abandon you for him.
Alcindoro: Oh.
Musetta: Yeah, when I walk on by
Boys be lookin' like "Damn, she fly!
Something something something
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH
I'm sexy and I knooooow iiiiiiiit
Alcindoro: [weeps softly for his lost dignity]
Marcello: God help me I want to tap that ass so hard
Schaunard: Five bucks says Marcello gets back with Crazy-Face over there.
Colline: Meh. She's not my type.
Schaunard: What are you, gay?
Colline: As a matter of fact...
[Schaunard and Colline lock eyes. Time slows to a standstill, and then they start making out like WHOA.]
Musetta: It's still not working. Time for Plan C!
Alcindoro: I really don't want to know what that is, do I.
Musetta: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS SEARING PAIN IN MY FOOT
Alcindoro: Something tells me your foot doesn't actually hurt.
Musetta: IT MUST BE MY SHOE
Alcindoro: You know, you could just break up with me like a normal person.
Musetta: GO GET ME A DIFFERENT PAIR
Alcindoro: I think we should see other people. Mostly because you're a sociopath.
[Alcindoro leaves.]
Marcello: Maybe it's the foot fetish talking, but I am so hot for you right now.
Musetta: Shut up and put on this ball-gag, bitch.
Marcello: I thought you'd never ask.
[Schaunard and Colline come up for air long enough to notice that the waiter has delivered their bill.]
Schaunard: Well, fuck. This is super expensive.
Rodolfo: I barely ate anything. Can Mimi and I be on a separate check?
Colline: Oh, come on. Let's just split it evenly.
Rodolfo: I don't want to pay for your giant salami, you asshole. You wouldn't even share!
Schaunard: I've got your giant salami riiiiiiiight here.
Everyone: SHUT UP, SCHAUNARD
Schaunard: Fuck you guys. Oh, and can somebody spot me for dinner? All that cash I had in Act I has mysteriously disappeared.
Mimi: So, wait. Is the tip included, or should we leave something on the table?
Colline: I still don't understand why we can't just divide it five ways.
Rodolfo: Because you ate twice as much as everyone else!
Musetta: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS WE CAN JUST PUT YOUR FOOD ON ALCINDORO'S TAB
Marcello: That's my girl!
Musetta: Did I say you were allowed to talk?
The Chorus: OH HEY THERE'S A PARADE OR SOMETHING
Everyone: LOVE IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US AGAIN
The Audience: [facepalm]
[End of Act II.]
Next installment: Act III
Previous installments: Act I
Act II: Cafe Momus, the hang-out of choice for douchey Parisian hipsters. Still Christmas Eve.
The Chorus: WE'RE DRUNK
Street Urchins: WE'RE OBNOXIOUS
Vendors: GET SOME HOT COCOA, BITCHES
[Enter Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline. Schaunard makes a beeline for the music vendor.]
Schaunard: Hey, this trumpet is super out of tune. I'll take it!
The Audience: For the love of -- WHY DO YOU ALL SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO
Colline: I LOVE MY COAT
Anyone Who Cares About Colline: [does not appear in this scene]
[Enter Mimi and Rodolfo. Their psychotically codependent relationship has gotten exponentially worse since we saw them five minutes ago.]
Rodolfo: I love you!
Mimi: I love you more!
Rodolfo: No, I love you more!
Mimi: Well, I love you most.
The Audience: [vomits everywhere]
Marcello: Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. ... Wanna fuck?
Prune Vendor: WHO WANTS PRUNES
Marcello: Y'all better get ready, 'cause I'm into some weird shit.
Prune Vendor: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU ASSHOLES BETTER BUY SOME GODDAMN PRUNES
Marcello: Anyone? Aaaaanyone? ... Bueller?
Colline: I ALSO LOVE BOOKS
Schaunard: Yeah, no one cares.
Marcello: Well, no one's agreed to have sex with me yet. Let's just get a table.
Mimi: Oh. My. God. Look at this adorable bonnet!
The Audience: Wow. That's... really pink. And frilly.
Rodolfo: Ohmigod it's perfect for you and it brings out your eyes sooooo well!
Mimi: I know, right?
The Audience: It looks like a unicorn vomited.
Mimi: Buy it for me!
Rodolfo: Anything for you, baby.
Mimi: That necklace is pretty cool too...
Rodolfo: BITCH DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY
The Chorus: OH BY THE WAY WE'RE STILL HERE
Rodolfo: WHO WERE YOU LOOKING AT JUST THEN
Mimi: Really? We've been dating for ten minutes and you're already jealous?
Rodolfo: It's only because I love you SO MUCH that I just want to lock you in my attic and keep you ALL TO MYSELF
Mimi: Awww, that's so romantic.
The Audience: [uncomfortable silence]
Schaunard: Waiter! Bring us ALL THE FOOD
Parpignol: I'M SUPER CREEPY AND I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS
[Rodolfo and Mimi finally join the others.]
Rodolfo: Oh hey, guys. This is Mimi and she's my soul mate! Our group kinda sucked before, but now that she's here EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME FOREVER
Marcello: Yeah, good luck with that.
Colline: Pretentious Latin saying!
Schaunard: Witty retort!
Colline: It wasn't actually that witty.
Schaunard: Eat a dick.
Parpignol: WHAT'S UP BITCHES I'M BACK
Colline: SOMEONE BRING ME SOME SALAMI
Street Urchins: AAAAAHHHH IT'S PARPIGNOL AAAHHHHHH
The Audience: Goddammit. We came to the opera to get away from our kids.
Mothers: CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN HE'S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PEDERAST
Parpignol: I also have some candy in my pocket, but you'll have to reach in there to get it.
Street Urchins: YAAAAAY CANDY
[And then he leads all the children away like the Pied Piper and for some reason no one onstage seems to have a problem with it.]
The Audience: Wait, what in the actual fuck just happened?
Puccini: It's a metaphor or something. Stop asking questions.
Marcello: Aaaaaand let's never speak of that again. So what did Rodolfo buy you, Mimi?
Mimi: It's this cute pink bonnet that I really wanted and he knew that I wanted it because we're in love and he can read my heart's deepest desires!
The Audience: Either that or you just told him you wanted one.
Mimi: SHUT UP I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER
Marcello: Whatever, dumbasses. Love is totally overrated.
Mimi: What crawled up his ass?
Rodolfo: He's just pissed 'cause his hot girlfriend left him for a geriatric sugar daddy.
Schaunard: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Colline: MORE BOOZE
Marcello: I solemnly swear that I will never think about Musetta again!
[Musetta's laugh is heard.]
Marcello: GodDAMN it.
The Audience: Well, that was predictable.
[Musetta enters, followed shortly thereafter by Alcindoro, the previously mentioned geriatric sugar daddy.]
The Chorus: OH HEY IT'S MUSETTA DAAAAAMN SHE LOOK FINE
Alcindoro: ... so tired ... my brittle old bones ...
Musetta: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, LULU
The Audience: ... did she just call him "Lulu?"
Musetta: Yuuuuuup.
The Audience: Why would you call him that?
Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT
The Audience: Ooooookay.
Alcindoro: Could you maybe not call me that in public?
Musetta: Excuse me, was I talking to you?
Alcindoro: ... no. Sorry.
Musetta: Sorry WHAT?
Alcindoro: Sorry, mistress.
Musetta: That's better. Now sit there and shut the fuck up while I order everything on the menu.
Alcindoro: Yes, mistress.
Mimi: Soooo is someone gonna tell me who that crazy bitch is?
Marcello: That's Musetta. She's pure evil and she mates with men and devours their hearts and also she has cooties and is a big stupid stupidhead.
Mimi: It's good to know you're handling the breakup so well.
Musetta: HEY MARCELLO OVER HERE LOOK AT ME
Marcello: [drinks a handle of vodka]
Musetta: MARCELLOOOOOOO
Marcello: [throws up]
Musetta: How to get his attention... HEY WAITER THIS PLATE SMELLS FUNNY
[She starts throwing dishes everywhere because she's insane.]
Colline: Wow, this is great food.
Schaunard: I know, right?
Musetta: COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU ASSHOLES
Alcindoro: Hey, mistress... do you think that maybe we could keep the volume and/or property damage to a minimum?
Musetta: Sounds like someone wants to spend another night in the cage.
Alcindoro: [whimpers]
Musetta: Good boy. Time for Plan B!
Alcindoro: What's Plan B?
Musetta: It's where I sing an aria to seduce my ex and then totally abandon you for him.
Alcindoro: Oh.
Musetta: Yeah, when I walk on by
Boys be lookin' like "Damn, she fly!
Something something something
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH
I'm sexy and I knooooow iiiiiiiit
Alcindoro: [weeps softly for his lost dignity]
Marcello: God help me I want to tap that ass so hard
Schaunard: Five bucks says Marcello gets back with Crazy-Face over there.
Colline: Meh. She's not my type.
Schaunard: What are you, gay?
Colline: As a matter of fact...
[Schaunard and Colline lock eyes. Time slows to a standstill, and then they start making out like WHOA.]
Musetta: It's still not working. Time for Plan C!
Alcindoro: I really don't want to know what that is, do I.
Musetta: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS SEARING PAIN IN MY FOOT
Alcindoro: Something tells me your foot doesn't actually hurt.
Musetta: IT MUST BE MY SHOE
Alcindoro: You know, you could just break up with me like a normal person.
Musetta: GO GET ME A DIFFERENT PAIR
Alcindoro: I think we should see other people. Mostly because you're a sociopath.
[Alcindoro leaves.]
Marcello: Maybe it's the foot fetish talking, but I am so hot for you right now.
Musetta: Shut up and put on this ball-gag, bitch.
Marcello: I thought you'd never ask.
[Schaunard and Colline come up for air long enough to notice that the waiter has delivered their bill.]
Schaunard: Well, fuck. This is super expensive.
Rodolfo: I barely ate anything. Can Mimi and I be on a separate check?
Colline: Oh, come on. Let's just split it evenly.
Rodolfo: I don't want to pay for your giant salami, you asshole. You wouldn't even share!
Schaunard: I've got your giant salami riiiiiiiight here.
Everyone: SHUT UP, SCHAUNARD
Schaunard: Fuck you guys. Oh, and can somebody spot me for dinner? All that cash I had in Act I has mysteriously disappeared.
Mimi: So, wait. Is the tip included, or should we leave something on the table?
Colline: I still don't understand why we can't just divide it five ways.
Rodolfo: Because you ate twice as much as everyone else!
Musetta: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS WE CAN JUST PUT YOUR FOOD ON ALCINDORO'S TAB
Marcello: That's my girl!
Musetta: Did I say you were allowed to talk?
The Chorus: OH HEY THERE'S A PARADE OR SOMETHING
Everyone: LOVE IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US AGAIN
The Audience: [facepalm]
[End of Act II.]
Next installment: Act III
La bohème, Act I
La bohème
An opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica, Giuseppe Giacosa
[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
[Act I: A shitty attic in the shittiest part of Paris. Christmas Eve.]
Marcello: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE PAINTER
Rodolfo: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE WRITER
Both: Boy, it sure sucks to be poor, freezing, and starving.
The Audience: THEN GET A GODDAMN JOB
Marcello: Whatever. We're not that desperate.
Rodolfo: Hey, soooo it's the middle of winter and we have no more fuel for our stove. Do you think this might be a problem?
Marcello: Definitely. It's colder in here than in that bitch Musetta's heart.
Rodolfo: Solid exposition, bro.
Marcello: Totes. Bros before hoes?
Rodolfo: You know it. But seriously, though, we might freeze to death.
Marcello: LET'S SET THE CHAIR ON FIRE
Rodolfo: You're a moron. Our art will keep us warm!
The Audience: grumble grumble hipsters grumble grumble
Marcello: LET'S SET MY PAINTING ON FIRE
Rodolfo: No, that would make too much smoke. After all, few things are more important than a healthy respiratory system. Let's burn my play instead!
Marcello: You mean the play you've been working on non-stop for the past six months?
Rodolfo: Yuuuuup.
Marcello: And you want to throw all of that away for a few minutes of warmth?
Rodolfo: I fail to see the problem.
The Audience: Aaaaaand this is why you're broke, jackasses.
[Marcello and Rodolfo feed the play into the stove. Enter Colline, a pretentious philosopher with an admittedly kickass coat.]
Colline: Verily, it's cold as balls in here.
Rodolfo: Fuck yourself.
[Colline joins the others at the fire, which quickly burns out. Marcello and Rodolfo consider slitting Colline open like a tauntaun and huddling inside his carcass for warmth. Enter Schaunard with food, booze, firewood, and money; he's the musician of the group, so of course he's the most successful.]
The Musicians in the Audience: HA HA OH YEAH THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW THE WORLD WORKS
Everyone Else: Isn't he the drag queen in Rent?
Schaunard: Oh man you guys so this old British asshole hired me to play for him until this other guy's parrot died so then I played for a while and then I was all like "fuck this" and I broke into the parrot guy's apartment and banged the chambermaid because I'm TOTALLY NOT GAY and then I murdered the parrot and the British guy paid me and it was LEGEN -- wait for it --
Marcello: Cool story, bro.
Rodolfo: Yeah, it's riveting. Pass the turkey?
Colline: om nom nom nom nom
Schaunard: -- DARY. LEGENDARY.
Crickets: chirp chirp
Schaunard: Oh, you can all go to hell. And stop eating all my food!
No One: [pays any attention to Schaunard]
Schaunard: But guuuuuuuys, it's Christmas Eeeeeeeve and I wanna go oooouuut
Marcello: Fine, we'll go out, but only if you SHUT UP.
Schaunard: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
[There's a knock on the door.]
Benoit: Sooooo hey, you guys, you haven't paid any rent in several months and it's beginning to piss me off.
Colline: NO ONE'S HOME
Benoit: Yeah that's not actually gonna work.
Marcello: ALSO WE HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR
Benoit: I have a spare key and can let myself into your apartment literally any time I want. You guys really haven't thought this through, have you.
Marcello: ...fuck.
[They let him in.]
Benoit: But seriously, give me my fucking money before I'm forced to cut you in the face like a Cockney whore.
Marcello: Hey, man, be cool. Captain ADHD over there just got paid --
Schaunard: Rude.
Marcello: -- so we've got all the money we owe you right here. Care for a drink?
Benoit: Don't mind if I do!
[Sixteen measures later:]
Benoit: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M SO DRUNK
Marcello: Sooooooo is there any incriminating personal information you'd like to share with us?
Benoit: Well, now that you mention it, I love me some fat chicks.
Rodolfo: Go on...
Benoit: Yeah, they're dynamite in the sack because they have no self-respect. Skinny bitches be trippin' balls, though. Like my wife!
Everyone: SOMETHING SOMETHING MORAL OUTRAGE
Benoit: Wait, what?
Everyone: GTFO
Benoit: But I thought we were broooooooooos
[They throw him the hell out.]
Marcello: So now that we've blackmailed our landlord, we never have to pay rent again!
Everyone: WOOOOOO
The Audience: [starts considering blackmail as as a viable solution to financial problems]
Schaunard: Now let's go get hammered!
Rodolfo: You guys go ahead; I have to finish an article for some newsletter you've never heard of.
Marcello: Sure you do. There's lotion and Kleenex in the cabinet; don't take too long.
Rodolfo: I hate you so much.
[Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline leave the apartment and promptly fall down the stairs.]
Rodolfo: KARMA, BITCHES
Colline: ...my spleen...
[There's yet another knock at the door.]
Rodolfo: Oh, for fuck's sake. Who is it now?
Mimi: Hey, it's your hot and totally single downstairs neighbor. My candle just went out -- got a light?
Rodolfo: You only have one candle? And no matches?
Mimi: You don't understand how this whole "flirting" thing works, do you.
Rodolfo: Nnnnnnnope.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Mimi: [falls over]
Rodolfo: OH NO ARE YOU OKAY
Mimi: Yeah, I'm just tired out from the stairs. There's nothing wrong with my health, though. Nothing at all.
Puccini: DID YOU GUYS GET MY FORESHADOWING
99% of the Audience: YES WE GET IT SHUT UP
The Other 1%: I think those two crazy kids are gonna be alllll right!
Rodolfo: So I lit your candle and stuff. Why are you still here?
Mimi: Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. OH NO I DROPPED MY KEY AND IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT
Rodolfo: Oh no!
Mimi: AND MY CANDLE HAS GONE OUT AGAIN
Rodolfo: [finally realizes what's going on] Ohhhhhhhhh.
The Audience: Christ, you're a moron.
Rodolfo: AND NOW MY CANDLE HAS ALSO GONE OUT
Mimi: WE'RE ALONE IN THE DARK TOGETHER
Rodolfo: WHATEVER SHALL WE DO
The Audience: OH JUST BONE ALREADY
Rodolfo: Oh hey, your hand is super cold. I know just how to warm you up: an aria!
Mimi: Oh joy.
Rodolfo: I'm a poet and I'm broke as fuck
But if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your loooove
'Cause hey baby you so fine
You so fine you blow my mind
And when I get that feelin'
I want sexual healin'
Oh and by the way, what's your name?
Mimi: Wellllll my name's Lucia but everyone calls me Mimi because why the fuck not. Mostly I just sit alone in my apartment and wish I had a studly poet to have sex with. And also I embroider flowers sometimes and CAN WE MAKE OUT YET
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: [outside in the street] NNNNOPE
Mimi: ...goddammit.
Marcello: COME ON RODOLFO AREN'T YOU DONE JERKING IT YET
Rodolfo: SHUT UP GUYS I HAVE A LADY OVER
Schaunard: BLOW-UP DOLLS DON'T COUNT
Rodolfo: WILL YOU ASSHOLES GO AWAY AND STOP COCKBLOCKING ME
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: Fiiiiiiine.
[They leave.]
Rodolfo: So, where were we?
Mimi: Wellllll I've been throwing myself at you for the past ten minutes, but now I think I'm just gonna be super coy.
Rodolfo: But I wanna get laaaaaaaid
Mimi: Nope. We're gonna go out with your friends instead.
Rodolfo: And then we can make the sex when we get back?
Mimi: Yeah sure whatever.
Rodolfo: Say you love me!
The Audience: Whoa there, crazy. Slow your roll.
Mimi: I love you SO MUCH
The Audience: Wait, what? Did he just hypnotize her or something?
Rodolfo and Mimi: WE WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER
The Audience: YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
[End of Act I.]
Next installment: Act II
An opera in four acts (Act II, Act III, Act IV)
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica, Giuseppe Giacosa
[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.]
[Act I: A shitty attic in the shittiest part of Paris. Christmas Eve.]
Marcello: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE PAINTER
Rodolfo: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE WRITER
Both: Boy, it sure sucks to be poor, freezing, and starving.
The Audience: THEN GET A GODDAMN JOB
Marcello: Whatever. We're not that desperate.
Rodolfo: Hey, soooo it's the middle of winter and we have no more fuel for our stove. Do you think this might be a problem?
Marcello: Definitely. It's colder in here than in that bitch Musetta's heart.
Rodolfo: Solid exposition, bro.
Marcello: Totes. Bros before hoes?
Rodolfo: You know it. But seriously, though, we might freeze to death.
Marcello: LET'S SET THE CHAIR ON FIRE
Rodolfo: You're a moron. Our art will keep us warm!
The Audience: grumble grumble hipsters grumble grumble
Marcello: LET'S SET MY PAINTING ON FIRE
Rodolfo: No, that would make too much smoke. After all, few things are more important than a healthy respiratory system. Let's burn my play instead!
Marcello: You mean the play you've been working on non-stop for the past six months?
Rodolfo: Yuuuuup.
Marcello: And you want to throw all of that away for a few minutes of warmth?
Rodolfo: I fail to see the problem.
The Audience: Aaaaaand this is why you're broke, jackasses.
[Marcello and Rodolfo feed the play into the stove. Enter Colline, a pretentious philosopher with an admittedly kickass coat.]
Colline: Verily, it's cold as balls in here.
Rodolfo: Fuck yourself.
[Colline joins the others at the fire, which quickly burns out. Marcello and Rodolfo consider slitting Colline open like a tauntaun and huddling inside his carcass for warmth. Enter Schaunard with food, booze, firewood, and money; he's the musician of the group, so of course he's the most successful.]
The Musicians in the Audience: HA HA OH YEAH THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW THE WORLD WORKS
Everyone Else: Isn't he the drag queen in Rent?
Schaunard: Oh man you guys so this old British asshole hired me to play for him until this other guy's parrot died so then I played for a while and then I was all like "fuck this" and I broke into the parrot guy's apartment and banged the chambermaid because I'm TOTALLY NOT GAY and then I murdered the parrot and the British guy paid me and it was LEGEN -- wait for it --
Marcello: Cool story, bro.
Rodolfo: Yeah, it's riveting. Pass the turkey?
Colline: om nom nom nom nom
Schaunard: -- DARY. LEGENDARY.
Crickets: chirp chirp
Schaunard: Oh, you can all go to hell. And stop eating all my food!
No One: [pays any attention to Schaunard]
Schaunard: But guuuuuuuys, it's Christmas Eeeeeeeve and I wanna go oooouuut
Marcello: Fine, we'll go out, but only if you SHUT UP.
Schaunard: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
[There's a knock on the door.]
Benoit: Sooooo hey, you guys, you haven't paid any rent in several months and it's beginning to piss me off.
Colline: NO ONE'S HOME
Benoit: Yeah that's not actually gonna work.
Marcello: ALSO WE HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR
Benoit: I have a spare key and can let myself into your apartment literally any time I want. You guys really haven't thought this through, have you.
Marcello: ...fuck.
[They let him in.]
Benoit: But seriously, give me my fucking money before I'm forced to cut you in the face like a Cockney whore.
Marcello: Hey, man, be cool. Captain ADHD over there just got paid --
Schaunard: Rude.
Marcello: -- so we've got all the money we owe you right here. Care for a drink?
Benoit: Don't mind if I do!
[Sixteen measures later:]
Benoit: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M SO DRUNK
Marcello: Sooooooo is there any incriminating personal information you'd like to share with us?
Benoit: Well, now that you mention it, I love me some fat chicks.
Rodolfo: Go on...
Benoit: Yeah, they're dynamite in the sack because they have no self-respect. Skinny bitches be trippin' balls, though. Like my wife!
Everyone: SOMETHING SOMETHING MORAL OUTRAGE
Benoit: Wait, what?
Everyone: GTFO
Benoit: But I thought we were broooooooooos
[They throw him the hell out.]
Marcello: So now that we've blackmailed our landlord, we never have to pay rent again!
Everyone: WOOOOOO
The Audience: [starts considering blackmail as as a viable solution to financial problems]
Schaunard: Now let's go get hammered!
Rodolfo: You guys go ahead; I have to finish an article for some newsletter you've never heard of.
Marcello: Sure you do. There's lotion and Kleenex in the cabinet; don't take too long.
Rodolfo: I hate you so much.
[Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline leave the apartment and promptly fall down the stairs.]
Rodolfo: KARMA, BITCHES
Colline: ...my spleen...
[There's yet another knock at the door.]
Rodolfo: Oh, for fuck's sake. Who is it now?
Mimi: Hey, it's your hot and totally single downstairs neighbor. My candle just went out -- got a light?
Rodolfo: You only have one candle? And no matches?
Mimi: You don't understand how this whole "flirting" thing works, do you.
Rodolfo: Nnnnnnnope.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Mimi: [falls over]
Rodolfo: OH NO ARE YOU OKAY
Mimi: Yeah, I'm just tired out from the stairs. There's nothing wrong with my health, though. Nothing at all.
Puccini: DID YOU GUYS GET MY FORESHADOWING
99% of the Audience: YES WE GET IT SHUT UP
The Other 1%: I think those two crazy kids are gonna be alllll right!
Rodolfo: So I lit your candle and stuff. Why are you still here?
Mimi: Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. OH NO I DROPPED MY KEY AND IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT
Rodolfo: Oh no!
Mimi: AND MY CANDLE HAS GONE OUT AGAIN
Rodolfo: [finally realizes what's going on] Ohhhhhhhhh.
The Audience: Christ, you're a moron.
Rodolfo: AND NOW MY CANDLE HAS ALSO GONE OUT
Mimi: WE'RE ALONE IN THE DARK TOGETHER
Rodolfo: WHATEVER SHALL WE DO
The Audience: OH JUST BONE ALREADY
Rodolfo: Oh hey, your hand is super cold. I know just how to warm you up: an aria!
Mimi: Oh joy.
Rodolfo: I'm a poet and I'm broke as fuck
But if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your loooove
'Cause hey baby you so fine
You so fine you blow my mind
And when I get that feelin'
I want sexual healin'
Oh and by the way, what's your name?
Mimi: Wellllll my name's Lucia but everyone calls me Mimi because why the fuck not. Mostly I just sit alone in my apartment and wish I had a studly poet to have sex with. And also I embroider flowers sometimes and CAN WE MAKE OUT YET
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: [outside in the street] NNNNOPE
Mimi: ...goddammit.
Marcello: COME ON RODOLFO AREN'T YOU DONE JERKING IT YET
Rodolfo: SHUT UP GUYS I HAVE A LADY OVER
Schaunard: BLOW-UP DOLLS DON'T COUNT
Rodolfo: WILL YOU ASSHOLES GO AWAY AND STOP COCKBLOCKING ME
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: Fiiiiiiine.
[They leave.]
Rodolfo: So, where were we?
Mimi: Wellllll I've been throwing myself at you for the past ten minutes, but now I think I'm just gonna be super coy.
Rodolfo: But I wanna get laaaaaaaid
Mimi: Nope. We're gonna go out with your friends instead.
Rodolfo: And then we can make the sex when we get back?
Mimi: Yeah sure whatever.
Rodolfo: Say you love me!
The Audience: Whoa there, crazy. Slow your roll.
Mimi: I love you SO MUCH
The Audience: Wait, what? Did he just hypnotize her or something?
Rodolfo and Mimi: WE WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER
The Audience: YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
[End of Act I.]
Next installment: Act II
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