L'elisir d'amore, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.

The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.

Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.

Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.

Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER

Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?

Gianetta: grumble grumble

Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON

The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.

Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.

The Audience: And how's that working out for you?

Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE

The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.

Adina: I know, right?

Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG

The Chorus: NNNNOPE

The Audience: NNNNOPE

Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO

[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]

Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.

The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?

Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.

The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.

Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.

Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?

Adina: ... yeah?

Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?

Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --

Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO

[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]

Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON

The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.

Half of My Readers: Rude.

Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.

Two of My Readers: Also rude.

Me: You know it's true.

Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED

Dulcamara: PLEEEEASE

Adina: NNNNOPE

[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]

Donizetti: But isn't it great?

The Audience: No comment.

The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?

Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.

The Chorus: Yaaaaaay

[A notary enters.]

Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!

The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?

Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?

Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!

Belcore: That's comforting.

Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.

Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?

Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.

Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE

[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]

Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER

Dulcamara: om nom nom nom

Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?

Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?

Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT

Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.

Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW

Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?

Nemorino: No?

Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!

[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]

Nemorino: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!

Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!

Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.

John Travolta: Seriously.

Nemorino: ... dammit.

Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?

Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?

Belcore: Obviously.

Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.

Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!

Nemorino: Seriously?

Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.

Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?

Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY

Nemorino: But I don't want glory!

Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM

Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...

Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE

Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!

Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.

[Nemorino squints at the contract.]

Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?

Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.

Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!

[He signs the contract.]

Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.

Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?

[Belcore gives him the money.]

Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!

Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.

Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE

[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]

Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE

Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS

Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK

Gianetta: Shut up.

Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE

The Audience: Much appreciated.

Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?

The Audience: Not really, no.

Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.

Chorus Ladies: oooooh

Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!

Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST

The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.

Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?

Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE

[Nemorino enters, drunk.]

Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME

[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]

Nemorino: Oh, hey.

Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.

Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...

Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST

[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]

Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK

[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]

Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?

Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?

Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!

Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?

Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER

Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM

Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO

Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.

The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?

Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS

The Audience: You're a moron.

Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME

Nemorino: OKAY

Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST

Nemorino: OKAY

Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE

Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM

Gianetta: OKAY

[A large catfight ensues.]

Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!

The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.

Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR

Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?

Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?

Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.

Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO

Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.

Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS

Nemorino: Okaaaaay

Adina: Wait! What about me?

Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.

Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.

Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?

The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.

[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]

Adina: But... but...

Dulcamara: Crazy, right?

Adina: That's one word I'd use.

Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!

Adina: How so?

Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.

Adina: Bullshit.

Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!

Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?

Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.

Adina: Oh. Awkward.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?

Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.

Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...

The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.

Adina: Shut up.

Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.

Adina: You shut up too.

Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.

Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME

Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!

Adina: They already are.

Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.

Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.

The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?

Adina: Probably.

Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn

Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR

Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.

Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...

Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.

Dulcamara: homina homina homina

Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!

The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.

Adina: Yuuup.

The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.

Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.

Donizetti: And how!

[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]

Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME

The Audience: For some reason.

Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF

The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...

Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.

The Audience: Nnnnope.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: ... hey. How's it going?

Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!

The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?

Nemorino: I sure don't!

Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.

Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.

Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.

Nemorino: People like you?

Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.

[She hands it to him.]

Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.

Nemorino: But you don't love me?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE

Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU

The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!

[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]

Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE

Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?

[Belcore draws his sword.]

Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU

Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO

Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS

Everyone: [calms their tits]

Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.

Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.

Gianetta: Like me?

Belcore: You wish.

Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!

Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --

Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!

Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME

Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!

The Audience: Dude... too soon.

The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL

The Chorus: Alcohol?

Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!

Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!

Belcore: Fuck you both.

Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!

The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE

The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE

[End of the opera.]

L'elisir d'amore, Act I

L'elisir d'amore
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)


Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani

[Act I: A quaint little village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside. Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and reading a book. Nemorino, the hero protagonist of our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]

Gianetta: Boy, it sure is awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything useful.

The Chorus: It sure is!

Adina: If you dirty peasant fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to evict you all.

Gianetta: … can she do that?

The Chorus: Maybe? We're all illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read through our laws and statutes and shit.

Gianetta: Good point.

The Chorus: So should we get back to work?

Gianetta: Nah, let's just keep repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.

The Chorus: With gusto!

Gianetta: RELAXING IN THE SHADE IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK

The Chorus: IT REALLY SUCKS YES YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS

The Audience: … this seems uncomfortably familiar.

Donizetti: Hi, everyone! Thanks for coming to my opera!

The Audience: Son of a bitch. Not this guy again.

Donizetti: Glad to see you, too.

[The chorus shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]

Nemorino: God, Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.

The Audience: That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.

Nemorino: If I could, I would just stare at her all day long.

The Audience: Okay, maybe you want to dial it back a bit.

Nemorino: And all night. I would love to watch her sleep.

Rodolfo: Back off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is my territory.

Nemorino: You back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three years!

Rodolfo: Them's fightin' words, boy.

Donizetti: GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD

Rodolfo: Fiiiine.

[He leaves.]

Nemorino: So, like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!

The Audience: That's rough, buddy.

Nemorino: I TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE

SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE

'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME

WALK RIGHT BY ME

AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE

The Audience: Really? 'Cause you seem to be attracting a lot of attention right now.

Nemorino: CADENZAAAA

The Audience: Case in point.

[Adina starts laughing.]

Adina: OH MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT

Gianetta: Yeah, you can read. We're really happy for you.

Adina: Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!

Gianetta: Really? 'Cause you were telling us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.

Adina: COME HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP

[Gianetta and the chorus all gather around Adina.]

Adina: Soooo once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was in love with a total bitch named Isolde!

Nemorino: Sounds familiar.

Adina: And he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any attention!

Donizetti: SEE IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA

The Audience: Yeah. Thanks.

Adina: But one day, Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!

Wagner: What the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED

Donizetti: SHUT UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS

Wagner: WELL THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN

The Audience: Girls, girls. You're both pretty.

Adina: And so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in love with him!

The Chorus: OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT

Nemorino: IT SURE WOULD

Everyone: [stares at Nemorino]

Nemorino: You know, for completely normal purposes that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.

The Audience: Okay, sooo wait a second. If Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall more in love with her?

Donizetti: It's magic or something. Shut up.

The Audience: It's not to say that we don't appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –

Donizetti: You're welcome.

The Audience: – it's just that the story makes no goddamn sense.

Donizetti: And when has that ever stopped me before?

The Audience: … touché.

The Chorus: SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

Adina: Isolde fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

The Audience: That's it; we're calling bullshit.

Donizetti: Again.

The Audience: Shut up. Aren't you missing the part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part where it all ends in tragedy?

Donizetti: It's a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!

The Audience: Yeah, lots. And the happiest of all those possible endings is the one where Tristan is exiled for life and Isolde stays married to a man she doesn't love.

Wagner: I like the version where they both die at the end!

The Audience: Yeah, we know.

Donizetti: Well, you can all piss off because this is my opera and I do what I want.

The Audience: Just so you know, we'll be keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.

Donizetti: Funny you should mention that...

[Belcore enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words, he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on her.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.

Adina: Fuck off; I'm reading.

[Belcore steals a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to Adina.]

Belcore: So you like books, huh? Well, try this literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –

The Audience: – thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were fighting and dying all around him –

Belcore: – I present you with these flowers!

The Audience: Yeah, that's two strikes.

Donizetti: STOP KEEPING TRACK

The Audience: Nnnnope.

Belcore: But I'm way cooler than that guy –

The Audience: – the cowardly adulterer –

Belcore: – because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the next few days.

The Audience: What? That comparison doesn't even make sense.

Adina: Look. No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –

Nemorino: grumble grumble

Adina: – but I'm not interested.

Belcore: But wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can bench-press about a bajillion pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.

Adina: Be still, my beating heart.

Belcore: I know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a man in uniform, especially when that man happens to be me.

Donizetti: Could you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?

Belcore: Sure thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!

The Audience: Oh, you mean like the time that Ares had sex with Aphrodite?

Belcore: Yuuuup.

The Audience: And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and trapped them in a net?

Belcore: Uh...

The Audience: That's three.

Belcore: Sooo it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do you want to get married?

The Audience: Wow. That's moving a little fast, even for an opera character.

Nemorino: oh god oh god what am I gonna do

Adina: I'm not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up among the townsfolk a little longer.

Nemorino: yesssssss

Belcore: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied

Adina: You are by far the clingiest man I have ever met.

Nemorino: Challenge accepted.

Belcore: What's the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot guy.

Adina: Look, just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy. You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to pillage this village, baby.

Belcore: Wait, who said anything about pillaging?

Adina: I'm using the word as a euphemism for sex.

Belcore: Ohhhhh. In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and slaughter all its inhabitants.

Adina: Uh... I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.

Belcore: Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Nemorino: [to himself] Dammit, he's so suave! I wish I could talk to ladies like he does!

The Audience: No, you really don't.

Belcore: Oh, and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Belcore: Just me, then?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Belcore: Fine; we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a bottle of wine or something?

Adina: Yeah sure whatever.

Belcore: [to himself] Oh, yeah. She wants me.

Adina: [to the townsfolk] What the hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK

[The soldiers and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]

Nemorino: Hey, um... can I talk to you for a second?

Adina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me like you always do?

Nemorino: … no?

Adina: Okay, you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?

Nemorino: …

Adina: Tick-tock, Eeyore.

Nemorino: I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU

Adina: Aaaand that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.

Nemorino: WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE

Adina: Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything to society.

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: You should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of yours.

Nemorino: His pain is nothing compared to mine!

Adina: Really? 'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.

Nemorino: Loving you is way worse than syphilis!

Adina: Wow. You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.

Nemorino: Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.

Adina: You think?

Nemorino: Sorry.

Adina: Okay, just listen. You're a nice guy –

Nemorino: yaaaaaaaay

Adina: – but you're awkward as fuck and have no idea how to get women to like you.

Nemorino: My mom always told me that I should just be myself.

Adina: That's terrible advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.

Nemorino: But whyyyyyyyy

Adina: Mostly because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck who smells like cow shit.

Nemorino: Oh.

Adina: But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and there...

Nemorino: [sighing] I wish you'd blow here.

Adina: You've really gotta work on your phrasing, man.

Nemorino: What?

Adina: Never mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or something while you're at it.

Nemorino: BUT I CAN'T

Adina: And why not?

Nemorino: BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING

The Audience: He's really not good at metaphors.

Adina: Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.

Nemorino: I WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN

TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN

YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE

BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME

Adina: … 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of suicide –

Nemorino: Dammit.

Adina: – and tell you once again that I'm not interested.

The Audience: Good for you, Adina! Way to not define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!

Me: Just wait twenty minutes.

Nemorino: PLEEEEEASE

Adina: FUCK OFF ALREADY

Nemorino: FINE

[They both leave.]

The Audience: Thank god.

[The Chorus enters.]

The Chorus: OH WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN

[Enter Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]

Dulcamara: HI FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE

The Chorus: ooooh

Dulcamara: [holding up a bottle] IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON

The Chorus: aaaaah

Dulcamara: ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD

The Audience: Thanks for the infomercial. Can we move on with the opera yet?

Donizetti: Nope. He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.

The Audience: fuuuuuuuck

Dulcamara: I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW

The Chorus: HOW MUCH

Dulcamara: I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM

The Audience: That doesn't even make sense.

The Chorus: HERE YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY

Dulcamara: Done and done.

[Everyone buys some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets an idea.]

Nemorino: Hey, Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions and elixirs and whatnot.

Dulcamara: Indubitably! My suitcase holds more wonders than Pandora's box!

The Audience: THAT'S FOUR

Donizetti: You know what? I don't even care anymore.

Nemorino: Awesome. Would you possibly happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?

Dulcamara: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Nemorino: You know, like... an elixir of love?

Dulcamara: Oh, right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll let you have it for –

Nemorino: [counting his money] I have seventy-five cents.

Dulcamara: – seventy-five cents!

[Dulcamara takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]

Nemorino: OH WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH

Dulcamara: You're welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!

Nemorino: So how do I use it?

Dulcamara: You drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out of their hard-earned cash.

Nemorino: What?

Dulcamara: Nothing. No refunds, by the way.

Nemorino: I'm sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?

Dulcamara: It tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since it's definitely magical and totally not a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.

Nemorino: Awesome. Thanks!

Dulcamara: Also, you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Nemorino: I promise!

Dulcamara: Wonderful! Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.

Nemorino: But I only want one particular woman because she's my true love!

Dulcamara: It's funny how you think I give a shit. Later!

[Dulcamara exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]

Nemorino: You know, it really does taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!

[He chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are instantly visible, because of course they are.]

Nemorino: LA LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: So... was the alcohol instantly absorbed into his bloodstream or something?

Donizetti: Apparently.

The Audience: Wow. It really is magic.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: WHO THE FUCK IS SINGING

Nemorino: LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!

[He pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]

Adina: Oh, it's just Nemorono. What the hell is he so happy about?

Nemorino: Rrrgh, why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?

Adina: Is he actually ignoring me? The village idiot is ignoring me?

Nemorino: [to himself] Laugh while you can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be begging to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!

The Audience: That's a terrible name for your penis.

Adina: I think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.

[She approaches him.]

Adina: Soooo you seem pretty happy.

Nemorino: Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.

Adina: You know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I am, I'm gonna call bullshit.

Nemorino: GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

Adina: WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME

The Audience: Oh, just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.

Belcore: [offstage] DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED

Nemorino: Not this guy again.

Adina: Why, are you jealous?

Nemorino: NO

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Adina: Not even remotely.

Belcore: I love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?

Adina: [looking at Nemorino] Maaaaybe. As long as he's not jealous or anything.

Nemorino: DO WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE

Adina: Okay, fine. [to Belcore] Let's get married!

Belcore: yessssss

Nemorino: motherfucker

Adina: How does six days from now sound?

The Audience: Like you've already got a bun in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your baby-daddy?

Belcore: It sounds great!

Nemorino: AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES

Belcore: What the hell is he talking about?

Adina: Fucked if I know. He's an idiot.

Belcore: Do you mind if I kick his ass?

Adina: Be my guest!

[Belcore is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters, followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]

Gianetta: SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOU

[She hands Belcore a note.]

Belcore: [reading] It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow morning!

The Chorus: OH NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING

Nemorino: WOOHOO

The Soldiers: Are we going to war or something?

Belcore: How the fuck should I know? [to Adina] It looks like we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.

Adina: This is my disappointed face.

Belcore: Will you be true to me while I'm gone?

Adina: It's almost definitely a possibility!

Nemorino: [to himself] Oh man, I can't wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!

Belcore: Unless maybe you'd like to get married today... ?

Nemorino: What? NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA

Adina: Aaaand there's the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. [to Belcore] Sure! Today's a great day for a wedding!

Nemorino: MOTHERFUCKER

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS

The Audience: Yeah, because they always turn out so well in Donizetti operas.

Nemorino: ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW

Belcore: It's none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I wreck your shit.

Adina: It's okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.

Gianetta: HA HA WHAT A PUSSY

Everyone: [laughs at Nemorino]

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: [aside] This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of going through with this wedding.

The Audience: That... seems a little harsh.

Adina: Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they once were!

The Audience: Holy shit. We didn't know this opera had a villain.

Donizetti: Oh, yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.

[Nemorino has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd mocks him.]

Belcore: EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO

The Chorus: WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON

Nemorino: [weeps softly]

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

The Medium, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The same goddamn setting as Act I, about a week later. Toby is putting on a puppet show for Monica because she's devolved into a six-year-old again. Monica applauds as he finishes.]

Monica: Yaaaaaay that was awesome and now I think I'll completely lose my grip on reality!

The Audience: Wow. Crazy really runs in your family, doesn't it.

[Monica starts waltzing with an invisible partner.]

Monica: LA LA LA SOMEONE IN THE SKY IS PLAYING A TROMBONE AND A GUITAR

Toby: {Bitch, I told you not to eat those magic mushrooms.}

The Audience: Also, trombone and guitar is just plain weird orchestration.

Toby: {Yeah, 'cause that's definitely the weirdest thing about this scene.}

Monica: [still dancing] MONICA MONICA SINGS IN THIRD PERSON

The Audience: … touché.

Monica: COME FLY WITH ME

LET'S FLY LET'S FLY AWAAAAY

[Toby takes Monica by the arm.]

Toby: {Okay, you need to calm down now.}

Monica: What is it, boy? Timmy fell down the old well?

Toby: {BITCH I AIN'T A GODDAMN DOG}

Monica: What is it you're trying to tell me?

Toby: {TO SHUT THE FUCK UP}

[And then Monica starts narrating Toby's thoughts, because apparently one bullshit psychic in the family isn't enough.]

Monica: “Monica, I know I'm just a poor mute gypsy boy that your mother took in off the street – ”

Toby: {Wow. You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself.}

Monica: “ – and I know I could never be worthy of someone so beautiful and graceful and super-foxy – ”

Toby: {You could make a living as a motivational speaker.}

Monica: “ – but I'm deeply, madly, passionately in love with you – ”

Toby: {Okay, now you're just making shit up.}

Monica: “ – I wanna – li-li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes – ”

Toby: {Oh, come on.}

Monica: “ – I wanna – mooove from the bed, down to the – down to the floor – ”

Toby: {You're painting a grossly inaccurate picture of my sexual fantasies. Also, SING A DIFFERENT SONG}

[Monica's alternate personality suddenly takes over, and she starts freaking out.]

Monica: How dare you say such filthy things to me, slave!

The Audience: CAN WE DIAL BACK THE RACIST UNDERTONES PLEASE

Menotti: Nnnnnope.

Monica: Don't you know who I am? I'M A FUCKING QUEEEEEN

Toby: {CALM THE FUCK DOWN}

Monica: OFF WITH HIS HEAD

[Nice Monica resurfaces, and she has a full-on split-personality battle.]

Nice Monica: Toby... is our friend!

Evil Monica: Liiiiies! We hates him!

Nice Monica: We loves him!

[A great deal of hissing and spitting ensues.]

Evil Monica: Don't make us leave, precioussss... we can be good, yesss...

[Monica passes out on the floor.]

The Audience: Jesus fuck.

Toby: {I know, right?}

[Monica regains consciousness.]

Monica: Toby, I know you can't talk, but I think you have the most beautiful voice in the world!

Toby: {Yeah, silence is golden. SO WHY WON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP}

[Monica waltzes off into her room like nothing ever happened because she's fucking insane.]

The Audience: what is this I don't even

[The door slams. Baba enters, visibly drunk and carrying a half-finished bottle of liquor.]

Baba: Where th' fuck's Monica?

[Toby points in the direction of her room.]

Baba: Meh, whatever. Come sit on mama's lap, Toby.

[Toby shudders.]

Baba: COME HERE GODDAMMIT

The Audience: Jesus, this is creepy. Like... way creepier than the séance bullshit.

Toby: {Tell me about it.}

[Toby slowly approaches Baba and sits in her lap.]

Baba: Now, I know you're just a dirty gypsy child I picked out of the gutter in Budapest –

Toby: {WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING THAT UP TODAY}

Baba: – but I love you like you're my own son! That's why it hurts me so much whenever you make me hit you!

The Audience: Yeeeeeah, it's getting more awkward in here with every passing second. We're just gonna step outside for a minute –

The Ushers: [hiss menacingly]

The Audience: – or we could just stay here.

Baba: So I promise I'll never hit you again –

Toby: {I'll believe it when I see it.}

Baba: – and I'll also buy you a bunch of fancy shit –

Toby: {See previous comment.}

Baba: – but only if you tell me: were you the one who grabbed my throat during the séance last week?

The Audience: … haven't we been over this already?

Baba: I promise I won't get mad.

[Toby does nothing.]

The Audience: You know, now might be a good time to shake your head or something.

Toby: {Meh.}

Baba: Look, I know it was you. Just show me how you did it.

Toby: {You're not my real mom; you can't tell me what to do.}

Baba: MOTHERFUCKER ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A GODDAMN QUESTION

Toby: {MAKE ME}

[Baba calms down.]

Baba: See? You make me want to beat your shifty gypsy ass when I'm just trying to be your friend. Just tell me – I'll give you anything you want!

Toby: [gives zero fucks]

Baba: HOW ABOUT MONICA HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TAP THAT FINE JAILBAIT ASS

The Audience: Is she actually pimping out her daughter right now?

Toby: {Yes. Yes she is. Also, I don't want Monica 'cause SHE CRAZY.}

Baba: MAYBE IT WASN'T YOU BUT I KNOW YOU SAW WHO OR WHAT DID IT

Toby: [still gives zero fucks]

The Audience: JUST NOD OR SOMETHING SO SHE'LL CALM DOWN

Toby: {Nah, she usually just yells for a while and then passes out. Trust me; the worst part's already over.}

Baba: ANSWER ME YOU SON OF A BITCH

[Baba goes to the cupboard and takes out a whip – apparently she keeps her BDSM gear next to the cheese and crackers – and proceeds to chase Toby around the room and beat his ass with it.]

Toby: {OH GOD I WAS WRONG IT GOT SO MUCH WORSE}

[The whipping scene is super uncomfortable and it also goes on way longer than it needs to.]

My Blog Readers: oh god this isn't funny anymore

Me: Yeah, not so much.

[The doorbell rings. Monica, who apparently couldn't hear her alcoholic mother beating the shit out of a defenseless child, somehow hears the doorbell over all the yelling and the sounds of tearing flesh.]

Monica: Yaaaay for more customers!

The Audience: Jesus Christ. You have the worst selective hearing ever.

[Monica sees Baba and Toby.]

Monica: BABA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Toby: {It's about goddamn time. HELP ME YOU DUMB BITCH}

Baba: [innocently] Oh, you know how it is... just a couple of bestest buddies roughhousing after pounding half a bottle of Jack. Like you do.

[Monica comforts Toby as the Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan enter.]

Mrs. Gobineau: Um... hi. Are we interrupting something?

Baba: The fuck are you guys doing here?

Mr. Gobineau: We're here for the séance. You know, the one that's been the same night every week for the past two years?

Baba: Ohhhhhhh, right. About that: I'm actually a fraud and I've been cheating you out of your money this whole time and I'm never doing another séance again so please go away and let me keep drinking myself to death.

Mrs. Nolan: Wait, what?

Baba: I FAKED EVERYTHING YOU MORONS

Mrs. Nolan: But –

Baba: HERE TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK AND GET OUT

Mr. Gobineau: Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't possibly have faked all that.

[Baba pulls back the curtain of the puppet theater and shows them all the switches.]

Baba: DO YOU GET IT NOW

Mr. Gobineau: But what about Mickey's laughter?

Baba: MONICA SHOW THEM

[Monica does the exact same baby laugh she's been doing every week for the past two years.]

Mr. Gobineau: … nah, I'm not buying it.

Mrs. Gobineau: Yeah, that doesn't sound like our son at all!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Mrs. Nolan: But what about Doodly?

[Monica puts on her dead teenager voice.]

Monica: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Mrs. Nolan: I don't know where your daughter learned how to do impressions, Madame Flora, but she's terrible at it. I'd know my Doodly's voice anywhere, and that's not what I heard last week.

The Audience: [double-facepalm]

Mrs. Nolan: And I even found the gold locket she told me about!

Baba: EVERYONE HAS A GOLD LOCKET SOMEWHERE IT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK

Mr. Gobineau: Waaaaait a minute. I think I know what's going on here –

Baba: [sighing] Finally.

Mr. Gobineau: – you thought you were cheating us out of our money, but you've actually been a real medium the entire time without even knowing it!

The Audience: [has a collective brain aneurysm]

Baba: That's the single dumbest thing I've ever heard in my very long life. Get the fuck out of my house.

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PLEASE LET US HAVE OUR SÉANCE

Baba: NO

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PLEEEEEEEEEEASE

Baba: I SAID NO

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PRETTY PLEASE WITH SOME SELF-DELUSION ON TOP

Baba: NO GODDAMMIT JUST TAKE YOUR MONEY AND GO AWAY

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: Fiiiine.

[They leave, sulking.]

Baba: Now, where was I? Oh, right. TOBY I HATE YOU

Monica: BABA BE NICE

Baba: I'm sick of being nice to this little asshole. TOBY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK

Monica: What? But where will he go?

Baba: That's a great question. Ask me if I give a shit!

Monica: But you can't just throw him out into the street!

Baba: Watch me.

[Baba ignores Monica's protestations and chases Toby out of the house.]

Monica: YOU'RE THE WORST MOM EVER

Baba: GO TO YOUR ROOM

[Monica runs into her room and slams the door. Baba goes over to her liquor cabinet and pours herself another drink.]

Creepy Voice: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Baba: HOLY SHIT

[She goes over to Monica's door.]

Baba: Monica? Did you just say something?

Monica: FUCK OFF I HATE YOU

Baba: … guess not.

[Baba locks Monica's door and keeps drinking.]

Creepy Voice: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Baba: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ECTOPLASMIC MOTHERFUCKER

[She goes over to the table and sits down.]

Baba: Afraid... am I afraid? Could I really be afraid? Afraid afraid afraid?

The Audience: YES WE GET IT

Menotti: I lost my thesaurus when I was writing this part.

Baba: Soooo I've had a really long life and I've seen people being murdered and raped and shit and I never gave a fuck because I'm a straight-up badass... but for some reason, all this ghost shit has me scared enough to flip out and murder someone.

Menotti: Foreshadowing!

The Audience: Shut up.

Baba: OH GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

[Baba proceeds to have a full-scale meltdown, which ranges from rocking back and forth in a fetal position and singing the lullaby from Act I while weeping profusely...]

Baba: oh black swan where oh where has my sanity gone

[...to fits of maniacal laughter...]

Baba: AHAHAHAHA I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS

[...to crying and praying.]

Baba: Holy Mary, Mother of God, please help me STOP TRIPPING BALLS

[And finally she just passes out on the table.]

The Audience: Well, that was awkward.

[Toby enters, having returned to collect his few belongings.]

Toby: {grumble grumble bitch gonna throw me out without letting me get my tambourine and shit}

[He creeps past Baba to Monica's door and finds it locked. He knocks quietly, and Baba stirs in her sleep.]

Toby: {fuck fuck fuck}

[He hides behind the couch, but Baba doesn't wake up. Eventually he emerges and starts rummaging around in a trunk for his tambourine, because a loud obnoxious percussion instrument is exactly what everyone needs when they're trying to be silent.]

The Audience: We'd facepalm, but our hands are starting to get sore.

[The trunk lid falls shut suddenly and makes a loud goddamn noise.]

The Audience: Saw that coming.

[Toby dives into the puppet theater as Baba wakes up.]

Baba: WHAT THE FUCK WHO'S THERE

[There's no response. Baba reaches into a drawer in the table and pulls out a gun.]

Chekhov: THERE ARE LIKE THREE PAGES LEFT IN THE OPERA WHY ARE WE ONLY SEEING THE GUN NOW

Menotti: Shut up.

Baba: I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHOOT EVEN THOUGH BULLETS PROBABLY WON'T DO ANYTHING TO A GHOST

[The curtain of the puppet theater moves slightly.]

Baba: AAAAAHHHHHHH HOLY FUCKING SHIT

[Baba empties the revolver into the puppet theater. Blood gets everywhere.]

Baba: WOOO I'VE KILLED THE GHOST

The Audience: You are officially too dumb to live.

[Toby stumbles out of the puppet theater with six bullet holes in his chest and collapses on the floor.]

Baba: … huh. That ghost looks an awful lot like Toby.

Monica: [through the door] BABA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

[Baba unlocks the door and Monica rushes out.]

Baba: Guess what! I'm a Ghostbuster now!

Monica: JESUS CHRIST YOU KILLED TOBY

Baba: Wait, seriously? … shit.

Monica: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

[Monica runs outside, screaming for help. Baba approaches Toby's corpse and leans in close.]

Baba: Okay, so I know I've asked you this a lot, but I promise this is the last time. Were you the one who touched me during the séance?

Toby's Corpse: [bleeds on the carpet]

Baba: You know, whenever you feel like answering. Just take your time.

The Audience: [facepalm]

[End of the opera.]