Previous installments: Act I, Act II
Act III: Later the same evening. Edgardo is brooding his way around his secret lair in Broodingswood Tower while a storm rages outside. Everyone always cuts this scene because the opera is long enough without more emo bullshit.
Edgardo: THE STORM SYMBOLIZES MY INNER ANGUISH
The Audience: Or maybe it just symbolizes atmospheric convection.
Edgardo: I have no idea what that means.
The Audience: Yeah, we can tell.
Edgardo: Anyway, Lucia's a bitch and I hope she goes crazy and murders her husband or something.
Donizetti: I thought I told you to stop reading ahead in the score.
Edgardo: OH NO I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING
The Audience: Oh nooooo
[Enrico enters.]
Enrico: IT IS I, ENRICO
Edgardo: What! How'd you find my secret lair?
Enrico: You're in a tower at night and there's a fire in the hearth. This place is practically a lighthouse right now.
Edgardo: Shit.
Enrico: Anyway, I came here to challenge you to a duel for your insult to my honor.
Edgardo: My insult? You're the one who killed my father!
Enrico: Well, you broke into my castle –
Edgardo: – which is supposed to be mine –
Enrico: – and called my sister a whore.
The Audience: But to be fair, you are pimping her out for power and influence.
Enrico: Shut up.
Edgardo: WELL YOU CAN'T CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL BECAUSE I CHALLENGE YOU FIRST
Enrico: NUH-UH
Edgardo: YUH-HUH
Enrico: ... dammit.
Edgardo: THE GHOST OF MY FATHER CRIES OUT FOR VENGEANCE
Enrico: AND LUCIA IS ALSO CRYING OUT BECAUSE ARTURO IS BANGING HER SENSELESS AS WE SPEAK
Edgardo: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Enrico: MAKE ME
Edgardo: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU
Enrico: BRING IT
Edgardo: NAME THE TIME AND PLACE
Enrico: TOMORROW MORNING AT YOUR DAD'S TOMB
Edgardo: FINE
Enrico: GOOD
Both: SOMETHING SOMETHING VENGEANCE
[Enrico exits. The scene shifts to the great hall of Ravenswood Castle, where everyone is getting drunk at the wedding reception.]
The Chorus: WOOO NOW THAT LUCIA'S MARRIED TO ARTURO NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO THE ASHTON FAMILY AGAAAIIIN
[Raimondo enters.]
Raimondo: HEY SOMETHING BAD JUST HAPPENED
The Chorus: GODDAMMIT
Raimondo: I know, right? I wish someone could have seen this coming.
The Audience: [sighs heavily]
The Chorus: So what the hell happened, anyway?
Raimondo: Well, I was walking past the honeymoon suite when I heard a man groaning and crying out –
The Chorus: Ew. Too much information.
Raimondo: Not in a sexy way. More in an "Oh god, I'm being horrifically murdered" kinda way.
The Chorus: Oh.
Raimondo: Sooo I rushed inside and saw Arturo lying in a puddle of his own blood, with fifteen stab wounds in his torso and his pants around his ankles.
The Chorus: Holy shit.
Raimondo: Yeah. Lucia was just sitting on the bed, clutching Arturo's dagger and making crazy eyes at me. And then she smiled and asked me where her husband was.
The Chorus: Jesus. Did you call the guards?
Raimondo: Nah, I thought the safest thing to do was to let this mentally unhinged murderess wander around the castle for a while. I'm sure she won't hurt anyone else.
The Chorus: [facepalm]
The Audience: Yeah, that wasn't your best decision.
Raimondo: I just hope that Lucia's penchant for inflicting stabbity death doesn't bring the wrath of heaven down on us!
The Audience: You should probably worry more about what the rest of Arturo's family is going to do when they find out he was murdered at his own wedding.
Raimondo: ... oh, fuck.
The Chorus: We're all screwed, aren't we.
The Audience: Yuuuuuuup.
[Lucia enters, covered in blood and looking crazy.]
The Chorus: Wow, she looks like shit.
Lucia: HEY EDGARDO I GOT RID OF THAT OTHER GUY SO NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER
[She starts wandering around, brandishing the bloody dagger.]
Lucia: Meet me by the fountain and we can hold hands and kiss and HOLY SHIT CAN YOU SEE THAT GHOST but oh man we should get married now!
Raimondo: Okay, this is a little awkward. Maybe it would have been better to call the guards.
The Audience: Nice of you to notice.
Lucia: I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
JUST HEAR THEM CHIMING
I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
MY TEMPERATURE'S CLIMBING
I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY
'CAUSE I FINALLY FOUND THE BOY I'VE BEEN MISSIN'
LISTEN
I CAN HEAR THE BEEEELLLLLLS
My Blog Readers: ... Hairspray? Really?
Me: Don't judge me.
The Chorus: TAKE PITY ON HER, O LORD
The Audience: Um... bitch just murdered her husband. Jesus probably isn't too happy with her right now.
Jesus: Meh. I'll give her a pass because she's crazy.
Lucia: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AWESOME FOR US FROM NOW ON
[Enrico enters.]
Enrico: HOLY SHIT DID MY SISTER REALLY MURDER ARTURO
Raimondo: Yuuuup.
Enrico: FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL WHORE
The Audience: Yeah, That about sums it up.
Enrico: YOU CRAZY BITCH THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
Raimondo: You know, if you think about it, this is actually your fault.
Enrico: Um... was I the one who stabbed Arturo to death?
Raimondo: No, but –
Enrico: THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FAULT
Raimondo: – you were such a dick to her that she went crazy?
Enrico: You're so full of shit.
[Enrico sees Lucia.]
Lucia: babble babble oogaboogaboo
Enrico: OH GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT
Lucia: EDGARDO I'M SORRY FOR SIGNING THAT MARRIAGE CONTRACT BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS A HUGE DOUCHEBAG
The Chorus: It's true; he really is.
Lucia: DON'T RUN FROM ME EDGARDO I LOVE YOUUUUU
Everyone: MAY THE ALMIGHTY HAVE PITY ON THIS POOR INNOCENT CREATURE
The Audience: Uh... has everyone forgotten that she straight-up murdered a guy ten minutes ago?
Everyone: YUUUUUP
Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME
Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD
Donizetti: You know, I really liked those last four pages. Let's do them all over again!
Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME
Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD
Donizetti: Perfect.
[Lucia sings a high note and collapses into Alisa's arms.]
Alisa: Remember me? I'm a character!
The Audience: Yeah, whatever.
[The scene changes once again. Edgardo is waiting in the graveyard for his duel to the death with Enrico, and still being a whiny son of a bitch.]
Edgardo: Hey, spirits of my ancestors – I know I'm about to fight a duel to avenge our family's besmirched honor, but I think I'm actually just going to impale myself on Enrico's sword because my life is completely worthless without Lucia to keep me happy.
The Spirits of Edgardo's Ancestors: You're the worst descendant ever.
The Audience: Seriously. What a pussy.
Edgardo: I bet everyone's still up celebrating and she's busy getting plowed by that asshole Arturo. WELL FINE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE
The Audience: You never learned about dramatic irony in English class, did you.
Edgardo: No... why do you ask?
The Audience: No reason.
Edgardo: Whatever. SOON I WILL JOIN MY DEAD ANCESTORS AND NO ONE WILL BE AROUND TO MOURN ME
The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY
Edgardo: POOR MEEEE
[The Male Chorus enters, looking sad.]
The Male Chorus: WOE IS US
Edgardo: What the fuck do you assholes have to be sad about?
The Male Chorus: THAT POOR GIRL
Edgardo: Which poor girl? What are you talking about?
The Male Chorus: LUCIA IS DYING BECAUSE REASONS
Edgardo: Oh no! Is she sick? Or possibly wounded by a wild bull?
The Male Chorus: NAH SHE JUST WENT CRAZY AND STABBED HER HUSBAND
Edgardo: Oh. So she's dying because...
The Male Chorus: GOING CRAZY IS APPARENTLY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR HEALTH
Edgardo: I'll just take your word for it.
The Male Chorus: SHE WAS JUST SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT SHE COULDN'T MARRY ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT BRUTALLY MURDERING HIM
Edgardo: Aw, that's kinda sweet.
[A bell begins to ring.]
The Male Chorus: HER DEATH BELL IS RINGING
Edgardo: Oh nooooo I have to see her one last time before I die!
[Edgardo attempts to exit, but is stopped by Raimondo.]
Raimondo: Don't bother; she's already dead.
Edgardo: GODDAMMIT
Raimondo: But I'm pretty sure she's in heaven now, so it's okay.
Jesus: We're now admitting murderers! COME ON IN
Edgardo: OH MY BEAUTIFUL LUCIA WE WERE PARTED ON EARTH BUT WE WILL BE REJOINED IN HEAVEN
[He draws his dagger.]
Raimondo and the Chorus: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Edgardo: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
The Male Chorus: Don't kill yourself! Suicide is a sin!
Jesus: And for a limited time only, we're also accepting suicides into heaven!
Edgardo: WOOOO
[He stabs himself.]
The Male Chorus: OH NOOOO
Jesus: Just kidding. You're probably gonna go to hell.
Edgardo: Son of a BITCH.
[He dies. End of the opera.]
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]
Showing posts with label Lucia di Lammermoor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lucia di Lammermoor. Show all posts
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Lucia di Lammermoor, Act II
Previous installment: Act I
Act II: Enrico's chambers in the castle. An unspecified amount of time has passed. Enrico is sitting at a table, thinking really hard about how he can be more of an asshole to his last remaining family member. Enter Normanno.
Normanno: Lucia's on her way, sir.
Enrico: Good. Now all I have to do is convince her to marry Arturo Bucklaw, and the Ashton family will be in a position of power once again!
Normanno: Should be a piece of cake. How many weeks do you have before the wedding?
Enrico: It's tonight. The guests are already starting to arrive.
Normanno: Oh.
Enrico: Yeah.
Normanno: Well, it sounds like you're pretty much screwed.
Enrico: Shut up. We've got the forged letter saying Edgardo doesn't love Lucia anymore, right?
Normanno: Yeah, but –
Enrico: Then it'll be fine.
Normanno: You should probably give her some time to process this. Like... more than a few hours.
Enrico: Why should I bother? All she needs to do is sign a little piece of paper. And also let a complete stranger plow her like a plot of fertile land.
Normanno: Well, the shock of apparently being betrayed by her true love will be a lot to deal with, even before you take the "sex with a complete stranger" thing into account. She could have a nervous breakdown or something.
Enrico: She's a big girl; she can deal with it. Give me the letter and go find Arturo.
Normanno: Fine. Just don't blame me when she goes crazy.
Enrico: Deal.
[Normanno hands over the letter and exits. Lucia enters, looking frail and pallid.]
The Audience: Okay, either the strain of her separation from Edgardo is taking a really big toll, or she developed a heroin addiction between acts.
Me: Can't it be both?
Enrico: [attempting to be friendly] Heyyyyy, sis. How's it going?
Lucia: Fuck yourself.
Enrico: You should really be happier. It's your wedding day!
Lucia: Fuck yourself.
Enrico: Still in love with Edgardo, huh?
Lucia: YES YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
Enrico: Actually, as your closest living male relative, I can pretty much make you do whatever I want –
Lucia: [growls]
The Women in the Audience: [also growl]
Enrico: – but it would be a lot easier for everyone involved if I didn't have to force you. Can you just get over that Ravenswood asshole and marry this complete stranger I've picked out for you?
Lucia: NO I SWORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO EDGARDO
Enrico: Not this bullshit again. Look, just read this letter and maybe you'll change your mind.
[He gives her the letter.]
Lucia: "My Dearest Lucia,
It is I, Edgardo. Sorry about not writing to you sooner – it's definitely not because your dashingly handsome brother has been intercepting my letters; it's just that I've been balls-deep in French pussy this whole time and I pretty much forgot you existed. The women here do things you would never even dream of, and it's made me realize that I don't love you anymore because you're a frigid bitch. You should probably marry whatever guy your brother wants you to, because he's an excellent judge of character.
Go to hell,
Edgardo
PS: In case you're wondering why my handwriting looks completely different than it ever has before, it's because my right hand is currently occupied with a charming Parisian prostitute by the name of Mademoiselle Pamplemousse and so I'm writing this letter with my left. Goodbye forever."
[Lucia starts crying.]
Enrico: I know it's pretty harsh, but he has some good points. Like how you should do whatever I tell you to.
Lucia: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Enrico: There, there... it's not your fault. Well, except for the part where you were ready to put your own selfish desires before the good of your family. That's all on you, champ.
Lucia: I CAN'T BELIEVE I SWORE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
[Festive music starts playing the the background.]
Lucia: Wait... what's that?
Enrico: Oh, that's just your new husband arriving. So you're all set to get married now, right?
Lucia: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
Enrico: I don't get what the problem is. Your boyfriend dumped you, so the perfect way to get revenge on him is by marrying someone else!
Lucia: I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED
Enrico: Well, tough. I've made some questionable political decisions in the past couple years, and they're gonna come back and bite me in the ass if you don't get married to Arturo.
Lucia: NOOO
Enrico: IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS GUY I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING EXECUTED
The Audience: Jesus. What did he do?
Donizetti: Wait just a second; they're going to explain everything.
The Audience: Seriously?
Donizetti: Nope. I'm just gonna leave it to your imagination.
The Audience: We hate you.
Lucia: OH GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY
Enrico: IF I GET MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS I'M GOING TO COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
Lucia: GOD HAVE MERCY ON ME
Enrico: SAY YES TO THE DRESS, LUCIA
Lucia: I WANT TO DIE
Enrico: DO IT
Lucia: NO
Enrico: DOOO IIIIT
Lucia: ... maybe.
[And then there's a scene change. The scene that follows is frequently cut, so here's the quick version:]
Raimondo: Hey, so I know you were worried that Enrico might have been intercepting your mail because he's an asshole, but I personally made sure that one of your letters was actually sent to France. Since we haven't heard anything back from Edgardo, the only possible conclusion is that he doesn't love you anymore.
Lucia: ... goddammit.
Raimondo: Also, I know that you don't want to marry a complete stranger, but it's for the good of your family so you should probably suck it up and do what your brother tells you to. It's a pretty big sacrifice, but God will be proud of you for taking one for the team and you'll be rewarded in Heaven.
Lucia: So you're saying that death is my best-case scenario?
Raimondo: More or less.
Lucia: ... sounds legit.
The Audience: YOU'RE THE WORST PRIEST EVER
[Another scene change! The chorus has gathered in the great hall of the castle for a super awesome wedding celebration.]
The Chorus: WE LOVE WEDDINGS
[Arturo enters and addresses Enrico.]
Arturo: Sooo your family has had its problems, but I'm going to use my considerable influence to make sure you stay wealthy and powerful!
Enrico: Yaaaaaaaay
Arturo: Assuming, of course, that your sister puts out.
Enrico: [muttering] That bitch better hold up her end of the bargain or I will pimp-slap her back to the Renaissance.
Arturo: What was that?
Enrico: Nothing. Here, have a drink! We're almost brothers now!
[They shotgun beers together and it's hella manly.]
The Chorus: WOOOOO
Arturo: Soooo not to sound impatient, but where the hell is my bride-to-be?
Enrico: Just getting ready. By the way, if it seems like she's utterly repulsed by you on a physical and/or emotional level, don't take it personally. She's just reeeally sad about her dead mother.
Arturo: Duly noted. Also, I've heard rumors that she's been seeing some asshole named Edgardo?
Enrico: Yeah, see, the thing about that is –
The Chorus: OH HEY HERE COMES LUCIA
Enrico: – never mind. Come meet your wife!
Arturo: Nice. I especially like the glint of impending madness in her eyes.
Enrico: I've always said it was one of her best features. Say hello to the nice man, Lucia!
Lucia: DO NOT WANT
Enrico: [whispering] bitch if you ruin this for me I will fucking kill you
Arturo: Props on having a hot sister, bro. I'm gonna tear that ass up.
Enrico: Yeah, she's a real peach. Now let's sign the contract and make this marriage legally binding before someone does something stupid!
Arturo: Sounds good to me!
Raimondo: Hold on, we've got to get the obligatory line out of the way first – if any man here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace!
The Audience: Oh man, so Edgardo's gonna come in and break up the wedding and it's gonna be super awesome, right?
Me: Not exactly.
The Chorus: [shuts up]
Raimondo: No, really. Does anyone want to object?
Crickets: chirp chirp
Raimondo: Huh. I was expecting some sort of dramatic entrance there.
The Audience: Seriously.
Enrico: CAN THEY SIGN THE CONTRACT NOW
Raimondo: Yeah sure whatever.
[Arturo signs.]
Lucia: Don't wannaaaaa
Enrico: Shut your whiny mouth and write your name on that parchment.
Lucia: Fiiiine.
[She signs the marriage contract.]
Enrico: WOOOO
Lucia: And now I think I'm gonna faint!
[There's a commotion outside.]
The Chorus: OH NO WHAT IS THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE
[Edgardo bursts in, ready to buckle some motherfucking swash and stop a wedding.]
Edgardo: 'TIS I, EDGARDO
The Chorus: OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO
The Audience: WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Edgardo: I object to this wedding!
Raimondo: It's a little late for that, man. I said the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing like... ten minutes ago.
The Audience: Seriously. It's like he has no sense of dramatic timing.
Edgardo: So she's already married?
Raimondo: Yuuuuuup.
Edgardo: Fuck.
[And then everyone stands in place and sings a sextet.]
Edgardo: BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE BUT I LOVE YOU ANWAY YOU STUPID WHORE
Enrico: OH SHIT IT'S MY ARCH-NEMESIS AND I SHOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BAD FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO MY SISTER
Lucia: DAMMIT I HAD HOPED THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH WOULD TAKE ME BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT BUT IT DIDN'T AND NOW I'M MARRIED TO SOME ASSHOLE
Raimondo: OH MAN THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD
Alisa: HEY LOOK AT ME I'M STILL A CHARACTER
Arturo: I JUST WANTED A NICE WEDDING AND NOW IT'S RUINED
The Chorus: POOOOOR LUCIAAAAA
Enrico: Oh, and by the way. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE YOU ASSHOLE
Arturo: YEAH
The Chorus: ALSO YEAH
Edgardo: IT WAS MY CASTLE FIRST
Enrico: FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH
[Everyone draws their swords.]
Edgardo's Backup: [does not appear in this opera]
Edgardo: So, wait. I'm alone against a castle full of armed men who want to murder me?
Donizetti: Yuuuuup.
The Audience: You really didn't think this through, did you.
Edgardo: Fuuuuuuuck.
The Audience: Yeah. This might be a good time to run the hell away, or maybe start being extremely polite.
[Edgardo draws his sword.]
Edgardo: OKAY KILL ME IF YOU CAN BUT I'MA TAKE SOME OF YOU BASTARDS WITH ME
The Audience: Wow. It's like he has a death wish or something.
Donizetti: Yeah, about that...
The Audience: Oh, well. At least things are getting interesting now!
Raimondo: EVERYBODY CALM YOUR TITS
The Audience: Goddammit.
Raimondo: Put your weapons away in the name of God! He who lives by the sword shall also die by the sword!
Edgardo: Do daggers count as swords?
Enrico: What about axes?
Arturo: Ooh! Or what about gangrene from a festering sword wound?
Raimondo: ... for fuck's sake. HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD OR SOME OTHER WEAPON WILL DIE FROM A WEAPON-RELATED INJURY OR RELATED MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS
Edgardo: Better.
Normanno: What about wild bulls? 'Cause that's apparently a thing in Scotland.
Raimondo: JUST SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING
Everyone: Fiiiiine.
[They all put their swords away.]
Enrico: So what the hell are you doing here, anyway?
Edgardo: I came here to claim Lucia as my wife! We swore sacred vows to each other!
Raimondo: Well, it's too late for that now. They signed the marriage contract and everything.
Wesley: You know, the marriage isn't really official until both parties say "I do!"
Enrico: Shut up, Wesley.
Wesley: ... as you wish.
[Edgardo reads the marriage contract.]
Edgardo: Son of a bitch. [to Lucia] Is this your signature?
Lucia: ... yes?
Edgardo: WHAT THE HELL LUCIA HOW COULD YOU
Lucia: Hey, remember that time when women were allowed to marry whomever they wanted and were treated like actual human beings instead of sentient pieces of property?
Edgardo: No?
Lucia: Yeah, me neither. SO FUCK OFF IT'S NOT REALLY MY FAULT
Edgardo: TAKE BACK YOUR STUPID RING I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE
Lucia: FINE
Edgardo: AND GIVE ME BACK MY RING TOO
Lucia: FINE
Edgardo: YOU'RE A DIRTY LYING BACKSTABBING WHORE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU
Everyone Else: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY AND STOP RUINING THE WEDDING
Edgardo: MAKE ME
Everyone Else: ... 'kay.
[They draw their swords.]
Edgardo: Fuuuuuuck.
The Audience: Hasn't this happened already?
Me: Yeah, pretty much.
Edgardo: I'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITH THIS BETRAYAL
Enrico and Arturo: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED
Edgardo: ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL JUST RUN THE HELL AWAY
[Edgardo exits, pursued by a bunch of sword-wielding Scotsmen. Lucia's delicate female mind chooses this precise moment to snap like a brittle twig.]
Lucia: ahblahblahblooble
Arturo: Awesome. Time to consummate the marriage!
[End of Act II.]
Next installment: Act III
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]
Act II: Enrico's chambers in the castle. An unspecified amount of time has passed. Enrico is sitting at a table, thinking really hard about how he can be more of an asshole to his last remaining family member. Enter Normanno.
Normanno: Lucia's on her way, sir.
Enrico: Good. Now all I have to do is convince her to marry Arturo Bucklaw, and the Ashton family will be in a position of power once again!
Normanno: Should be a piece of cake. How many weeks do you have before the wedding?
Enrico: It's tonight. The guests are already starting to arrive.
Normanno: Oh.
Enrico: Yeah.
Normanno: Well, it sounds like you're pretty much screwed.
Enrico: Shut up. We've got the forged letter saying Edgardo doesn't love Lucia anymore, right?
Normanno: Yeah, but –
Enrico: Then it'll be fine.
Normanno: You should probably give her some time to process this. Like... more than a few hours.
Enrico: Why should I bother? All she needs to do is sign a little piece of paper. And also let a complete stranger plow her like a plot of fertile land.
Normanno: Well, the shock of apparently being betrayed by her true love will be a lot to deal with, even before you take the "sex with a complete stranger" thing into account. She could have a nervous breakdown or something.
Enrico: She's a big girl; she can deal with it. Give me the letter and go find Arturo.
Normanno: Fine. Just don't blame me when she goes crazy.
Enrico: Deal.
[Normanno hands over the letter and exits. Lucia enters, looking frail and pallid.]
The Audience: Okay, either the strain of her separation from Edgardo is taking a really big toll, or she developed a heroin addiction between acts.
Me: Can't it be both?
Enrico: [attempting to be friendly] Heyyyyy, sis. How's it going?
Lucia: Fuck yourself.
Enrico: You should really be happier. It's your wedding day!
Lucia: Fuck yourself.
Enrico: Still in love with Edgardo, huh?
Lucia: YES YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
Enrico: Actually, as your closest living male relative, I can pretty much make you do whatever I want –
Lucia: [growls]
The Women in the Audience: [also growl]
Enrico: – but it would be a lot easier for everyone involved if I didn't have to force you. Can you just get over that Ravenswood asshole and marry this complete stranger I've picked out for you?
Lucia: NO I SWORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO EDGARDO
Enrico: Not this bullshit again. Look, just read this letter and maybe you'll change your mind.
[He gives her the letter.]
Lucia: "My Dearest Lucia,
It is I, Edgardo. Sorry about not writing to you sooner – it's definitely not because your dashingly handsome brother has been intercepting my letters; it's just that I've been balls-deep in French pussy this whole time and I pretty much forgot you existed. The women here do things you would never even dream of, and it's made me realize that I don't love you anymore because you're a frigid bitch. You should probably marry whatever guy your brother wants you to, because he's an excellent judge of character.
Go to hell,
Edgardo
PS: In case you're wondering why my handwriting looks completely different than it ever has before, it's because my right hand is currently occupied with a charming Parisian prostitute by the name of Mademoiselle Pamplemousse and so I'm writing this letter with my left. Goodbye forever."
[Lucia starts crying.]
Enrico: I know it's pretty harsh, but he has some good points. Like how you should do whatever I tell you to.
Lucia: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Enrico: There, there... it's not your fault. Well, except for the part where you were ready to put your own selfish desires before the good of your family. That's all on you, champ.
Lucia: I CAN'T BELIEVE I SWORE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
[Festive music starts playing the the background.]
Lucia: Wait... what's that?
Enrico: Oh, that's just your new husband arriving. So you're all set to get married now, right?
Lucia: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
Enrico: I don't get what the problem is. Your boyfriend dumped you, so the perfect way to get revenge on him is by marrying someone else!
Lucia: I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED
Enrico: Well, tough. I've made some questionable political decisions in the past couple years, and they're gonna come back and bite me in the ass if you don't get married to Arturo.
Lucia: NOOO
Enrico: IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS GUY I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING EXECUTED
The Audience: Jesus. What did he do?
Donizetti: Wait just a second; they're going to explain everything.
The Audience: Seriously?
Donizetti: Nope. I'm just gonna leave it to your imagination.
The Audience: We hate you.
Lucia: OH GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY
Enrico: IF I GET MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS I'M GOING TO COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
Lucia: GOD HAVE MERCY ON ME
Enrico: SAY YES TO THE DRESS, LUCIA
Lucia: I WANT TO DIE
Enrico: DO IT
Lucia: NO
Enrico: DOOO IIIIT
Lucia: ... maybe.
[And then there's a scene change. The scene that follows is frequently cut, so here's the quick version:]
Raimondo: Hey, so I know you were worried that Enrico might have been intercepting your mail because he's an asshole, but I personally made sure that one of your letters was actually sent to France. Since we haven't heard anything back from Edgardo, the only possible conclusion is that he doesn't love you anymore.
Lucia: ... goddammit.
Raimondo: Also, I know that you don't want to marry a complete stranger, but it's for the good of your family so you should probably suck it up and do what your brother tells you to. It's a pretty big sacrifice, but God will be proud of you for taking one for the team and you'll be rewarded in Heaven.
Lucia: So you're saying that death is my best-case scenario?
Raimondo: More or less.
Lucia: ... sounds legit.
The Audience: YOU'RE THE WORST PRIEST EVER
[Another scene change! The chorus has gathered in the great hall of the castle for a super awesome wedding celebration.]
The Chorus: WE LOVE WEDDINGS
[Arturo enters and addresses Enrico.]
Arturo: Sooo your family has had its problems, but I'm going to use my considerable influence to make sure you stay wealthy and powerful!
Enrico: Yaaaaaaaay
Arturo: Assuming, of course, that your sister puts out.
Enrico: [muttering] That bitch better hold up her end of the bargain or I will pimp-slap her back to the Renaissance.
Arturo: What was that?
Enrico: Nothing. Here, have a drink! We're almost brothers now!
[They shotgun beers together and it's hella manly.]
The Chorus: WOOOOO
Arturo: Soooo not to sound impatient, but where the hell is my bride-to-be?
Enrico: Just getting ready. By the way, if it seems like she's utterly repulsed by you on a physical and/or emotional level, don't take it personally. She's just reeeally sad about her dead mother.
Arturo: Duly noted. Also, I've heard rumors that she's been seeing some asshole named Edgardo?
Enrico: Yeah, see, the thing about that is –
The Chorus: OH HEY HERE COMES LUCIA
Enrico: – never mind. Come meet your wife!
Arturo: Nice. I especially like the glint of impending madness in her eyes.
Enrico: I've always said it was one of her best features. Say hello to the nice man, Lucia!
Lucia: DO NOT WANT
Enrico: [whispering] bitch if you ruin this for me I will fucking kill you
Arturo: Props on having a hot sister, bro. I'm gonna tear that ass up.
Enrico: Yeah, she's a real peach. Now let's sign the contract and make this marriage legally binding before someone does something stupid!
Arturo: Sounds good to me!
Raimondo: Hold on, we've got to get the obligatory line out of the way first – if any man here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace!
The Audience: Oh man, so Edgardo's gonna come in and break up the wedding and it's gonna be super awesome, right?
Me: Not exactly.
The Chorus: [shuts up]
Raimondo: No, really. Does anyone want to object?
Crickets: chirp chirp
Raimondo: Huh. I was expecting some sort of dramatic entrance there.
The Audience: Seriously.
Enrico: CAN THEY SIGN THE CONTRACT NOW
Raimondo: Yeah sure whatever.
[Arturo signs.]
Lucia: Don't wannaaaaa
Enrico: Shut your whiny mouth and write your name on that parchment.
Lucia: Fiiiine.
[She signs the marriage contract.]
Enrico: WOOOO
Lucia: And now I think I'm gonna faint!
[There's a commotion outside.]
The Chorus: OH NO WHAT IS THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE
[Edgardo bursts in, ready to buckle some motherfucking swash and stop a wedding.]
Edgardo: 'TIS I, EDGARDO
The Chorus: OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO
The Audience: WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Edgardo: I object to this wedding!
Raimondo: It's a little late for that, man. I said the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing like... ten minutes ago.
The Audience: Seriously. It's like he has no sense of dramatic timing.
Edgardo: So she's already married?
Raimondo: Yuuuuuup.
Edgardo: Fuck.
[And then everyone stands in place and sings a sextet.]
Edgardo: BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE BUT I LOVE YOU ANWAY YOU STUPID WHORE
Enrico: OH SHIT IT'S MY ARCH-NEMESIS AND I SHOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BAD FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO MY SISTER
Lucia: DAMMIT I HAD HOPED THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH WOULD TAKE ME BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT BUT IT DIDN'T AND NOW I'M MARRIED TO SOME ASSHOLE
Raimondo: OH MAN THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD
Alisa: HEY LOOK AT ME I'M STILL A CHARACTER
Arturo: I JUST WANTED A NICE WEDDING AND NOW IT'S RUINED
The Chorus: POOOOOR LUCIAAAAA
Enrico: Oh, and by the way. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE YOU ASSHOLE
Arturo: YEAH
The Chorus: ALSO YEAH
Edgardo: IT WAS MY CASTLE FIRST
Enrico: FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH
[Everyone draws their swords.]
Edgardo's Backup: [does not appear in this opera]
Edgardo: So, wait. I'm alone against a castle full of armed men who want to murder me?
Donizetti: Yuuuuup.
The Audience: You really didn't think this through, did you.
Edgardo: Fuuuuuuuck.
The Audience: Yeah. This might be a good time to run the hell away, or maybe start being extremely polite.
[Edgardo draws his sword.]
Edgardo: OKAY KILL ME IF YOU CAN BUT I'MA TAKE SOME OF YOU BASTARDS WITH ME
The Audience: Wow. It's like he has a death wish or something.
Donizetti: Yeah, about that...
The Audience: Oh, well. At least things are getting interesting now!
Raimondo: EVERYBODY CALM YOUR TITS
The Audience: Goddammit.
Raimondo: Put your weapons away in the name of God! He who lives by the sword shall also die by the sword!
Edgardo: Do daggers count as swords?
Enrico: What about axes?
Arturo: Ooh! Or what about gangrene from a festering sword wound?
Raimondo: ... for fuck's sake. HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD OR SOME OTHER WEAPON WILL DIE FROM A WEAPON-RELATED INJURY OR RELATED MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS
Edgardo: Better.
Normanno: What about wild bulls? 'Cause that's apparently a thing in Scotland.
Raimondo: JUST SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING
Everyone: Fiiiiine.
[They all put their swords away.]
Enrico: So what the hell are you doing here, anyway?
Edgardo: I came here to claim Lucia as my wife! We swore sacred vows to each other!
Raimondo: Well, it's too late for that now. They signed the marriage contract and everything.
Wesley: You know, the marriage isn't really official until both parties say "I do!"
Enrico: Shut up, Wesley.
Wesley: ... as you wish.
[Edgardo reads the marriage contract.]
Edgardo: Son of a bitch. [to Lucia] Is this your signature?
Lucia: ... yes?
Edgardo: WHAT THE HELL LUCIA HOW COULD YOU
Lucia: Hey, remember that time when women were allowed to marry whomever they wanted and were treated like actual human beings instead of sentient pieces of property?
Edgardo: No?
Lucia: Yeah, me neither. SO FUCK OFF IT'S NOT REALLY MY FAULT
Edgardo: TAKE BACK YOUR STUPID RING I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE
Lucia: FINE
Edgardo: AND GIVE ME BACK MY RING TOO
Lucia: FINE
Edgardo: YOU'RE A DIRTY LYING BACKSTABBING WHORE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU
Everyone Else: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY AND STOP RUINING THE WEDDING
Edgardo: MAKE ME
Everyone Else: ... 'kay.
[They draw their swords.]
Edgardo: Fuuuuuuck.
The Audience: Hasn't this happened already?
Me: Yeah, pretty much.
Edgardo: I'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITH THIS BETRAYAL
Enrico and Arturo: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED
Edgardo: ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL JUST RUN THE HELL AWAY
[Edgardo exits, pursued by a bunch of sword-wielding Scotsmen. Lucia's delicate female mind chooses this precise moment to snap like a brittle twig.]
Lucia: ahblahblahblooble
Arturo: Awesome. Time to consummate the marriage!
[End of Act II.]
Next installment: Act III
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Lucia di Lammermoor, Act I
Lucia di Lammermoor
A dramma tragico in two acts (Act II, Act III)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano
[Act I: The grounds of Ravenswood Castle in Scotland. Normanno, the captain of the guard, enters with an entourage of armed men.]
Normanno: SEARCH THE GROUNDS
The Guards: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: ALSO SEARCH THE RUINED TOWER
The Guards: THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: WE'RE GONNA SOLVE THIS MYSTERY
The Guards: WE SURE ARE
Normanno: OUR HONOR DEMANDS IT
The Guards: IT CERTAINLY DOES
The Audience: The only mystery in this opera is what the fuck is going on and why everyone feels the need to repeat each new phrase seventeen times.
Me: Welcome to the bel canto period, suckers.
The Audience: ... goddammit.
[Normanno and the guards keep singing about mysteries and honor and shit instead of actually doing anything useful.]
The Audience: This is going to be a long opera, isn't it.
Me: Yuuuuuup.
The Guards: HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
[The guards finally shut up and go search for... whatever it is they're trying to find. Normanno stays behind because he's lazy. Enter Raimondo, the chaplain, and Enrico, the lord of Ravenswood Castle.]
The Audience: So is Ravenswood a family name, or just the name of the castle?
Donizetti: It's a family name.
The Audience: And Enrico is the head of the family?
Donizetti: Nope. Enrico's an Ashton. The Ravenswoods are his mortal enemies.
The Audience: But he's... That's their... gahhhh. We're less than ten minutes in and this opera already makes no goddamn sense. What the hell, man.
Donizetti: Hey, this isn't my fault. If you've got a problem, take it up with Sir Walter Scott.
Sir Walter Scott: Bring it, bitches.
The Audience: Whatever. You wrote the opera; we're holding you responsible.
Donizetti: Rude.
Enrico: WOULD ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DELIVER SOME EXPOSITION
The Audience: Oh, thank Christ.
Normanno: Hey, Enrico! You sure look upset about something!
Enrico: And with good reason! As you know, the Ashton family is on the brink of disaster for numerous reasons which I won't bother to explain –
The Audience: GODDAMMIT
Enrico: – and that asshole Edgardo is laughing at us! Man, I hate that guy so much.
The Audience: And let us guess... he's not gonna tell us why.
Me: You're catching on!
The Audience: Go to hell.
Enrico: My stupid sister is the only one who can save the family, but for some reason she doesn't want to marry some guy she's never met in order to unite us with a more powerful clan!
Normanno: What a bitch.
Enrico: I know, right? So selfish.
Raimondo: You know, guys, her mom just died and stuff. Maybe we should be more understanding.
Enrico: You shut your insubordinate mouth.
Raimondo: She's in mourning! Her heart is broken and she can't be expected to love anyone right now.
Normanno: Ummmm I'm gonna call bullshit on that. She's totally banging some other dude.
Enrico: WHAT
Raimondo: Well, fuck. There goes her secret romance.
Enrico: How do you know this?
Normanno: I basically follow your sister everywhere she goes.
The Audience: Aaaaand it just got creepy.
Enrico: How did it start?
Normanno: Well, your sister's super hot and I thought that if I followed her long enough I'd get to see her undressing or something –
Enrico: Not the stalking, jackass. The secret affair.
Normanno: Oh. Well, one morning she was out walking near her mother's grave when she was suddenly attacked by a wild bull!
The Audience: Wild bulls in Scotland? Is that a thing?
Donizetti: How the fuck should I know?
Normanno: Anywho, just as she was about to get her very shapely ass killed, some guy comes out of nowhere and straight-up murders the bull.
The Audience: That actually sounds pretty exciting.
Donizetti: I know, right? Waaaay too interesting to actually happen onstage.
The Audience: ... we hate you so much.
Enrico: Okay, I'm going to roll right past your apparent sexual fixation on my little sister –
Normanno: Much appreciated.
Enrico: – and just ask you who this mystery man was.
Normanno: You're probably not gonna like the answer.
Enrico: Whoever he was, he saved Lucia's life! I need to repay him for his act of bravery!
Normanno: He's also been secretly meeting her every morning since then.
Enrico: A harmless flirtation. Just tell me where to send the fruit basket.
Normanno: Okay. Promise you won't get mad?
Enrico: Promise.
Normanno: Wellllll I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I'm almost positive he's an enemy of yours.
Enrico: You'll have to be more specific. I'm pretty much a giant asshole to everyone I meet.
Raimondo: Agreed.
Enrico: Shut up.
Normanno: Like... your arch-nemesis. You live in his castle for some reason.
Enrico: ... you mean Edgardo?
Normanno: Just remember, you promised you wouldn't get –
Enrico: SHIT PISS GODDAMN HELL MOTHERFUCKER
Normanno: – mad. Son of a bitch.
Raimondo: Sooo not so much with the gratitude anymore, huh.
Enrico: FUCK NO
Raimondo: Look – Normanno said he wasn't completely sure, so he's probably wrong. You should probably ignore everything he has to say.
Enrico: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAIMONDO
Raimondo: ... yes, m'lord.
Enrico: AHHH I'M SO VERY ANGRY
I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL EVERYONE HERE
Normanno: Please don't? I kinda like being alive.
Raimondo: Yeah, what he said.
Enrico: LUCIA HAS BROUGHT SHAME ON OUR FAMILY FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME AND I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS HIT BY LIGHTNING
The Audience: That... seems a little extreme.
[The guards re-enter.]
The Guards: OH HEY NORMANNO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT
Enrico: What happened?
The Guards: Wellllll we were searching the ruined tower and we saw some guy there and he rode away on a big horse before we could question him but one of us recognized him.
Enrico: And who was it?
The Guards: Edgardo.
Enrico: AHHHH I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW
Raimondo: IT'S NOT TRUE DON'T BELIEVE THEM
Enrico: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP
Raimondo: Douche.
Enrico: I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER EDGARDO AND PISS ON HIS GRAVE
The Guards: WOOOO REVENGE
[Everyone exits. The scene changes to an old well/fountain somewhere on the castle grounds. Enter Lucia, our heroine – if one can really call her that – and Alisa, her handmaid.]
Lucia: Dammit, Edgardo's still not here.
Alisa: You know, it's probably not a great idea to come here when your brother's on the warpath.
Lucia: It's precisely because Enrico is so furious that I have to warn Edgardo!
Alisa: And you thought the best way to do this would be by having him come here, on the castle grounds, while there are armed men who want to kill him everywhere.
Lucia: Yeah. What's your point?
Alisa: Mostly that it really sucks to work for a moron.
Suzuki: I know, right?
[Lucia looks at the well fearfully.]
Alisa: What's wrong?
Lucia: Oh, nothing. You know that old story of how a Ravenswood, driven mad by love, stabbed his girlfriend and dumped her body in this well?
Alisa: Yeah...
Lucia: Well, I've seen her ghost. I was out walking one night and I heard a low moan as I was passing this spot, and she suddenly appeared and beckoned to me.
Alisa: That bodes reeeeally well for your relationship with the last surviving Ravenswood.
The Audience: Seriously.
Lucia: Her lips were moving, too. It was like she was trying to say something to me.
Alisa: Like what?
Lucia: "Seven days."
Alisa: HOLY SHIT YOU SAW THE RING
Lucia: And then she disappeared. And the water had all turned blood-red.
Alisa: Yeah, you're fucked. Like... there's literally no way in hell you're making it out of this opera alive.
Lucia: Shit.
Alisa: But just to be safe, you could always try breaking up with Edgardo.
Lucia: But I love him so muuuuuuuch and he's so passionate and always makes me feel better about my pointless life!
Alisa: Hey, it's your funeral.
[Edgardo enters.]
Alisa: Okay, you crazy kids. Have fun; I'll keep watch and make sure no one shows up to murder you.
Edgardo: Thanks!
[Alisa exits.]
Edgardo: Soooo just to let you know, I'm going to France for a while. I was thinking that maybe I could talk to your brother before I leave and put an end to this feud so we can get married?
Lucia: Ummm... maybe now isn't the best time to talk to him. There was talk of pissing on graves earlier.
Edgardo: What an asshole. First he killed my father, then he stole my fucking house...
The Audience: This whole feud is starting to make sense now.
Edgardo: … and now he wants to kill me and desecrate my remains. Seriously, I don't know why he hates me so much. He's fucked me over twice, and I have yet to do anything to get back at him.
The Audience: Except boning his sister.
Edgardo: Touché. But yeah, he's a son of a bitch and I swore on my father's grave to wage eternal war on him and his whole fucking family.
Lucia: Hey!
Edgardo: Except you, sweetheart.
Lucia: Thank you.
Edgardo: In fact, while I'm here...
Lucia: I don't like where this is going.
Edgardo: brb gonna murder your brother
Lucia: GET BACK HERE
Edgardo: But he's an asshoooooole
Lucia: True, but he's still my brother. Could you just put your revenge plans aside and focus on how much you love me?
Edgardo: Maybe.
Lucia: Like... to the exclusion of everything else. Let your love for me consume you completely.
Edgardo: That sounds like the healthiest possible thing to do!
Lucia: Yaaaaaaaay
Edgardo: Let's have a secret marriage! I have a ring for you right here!
[He slips the ring on her finger.]
Edgardo: Do you promise to be faithful to me forever, in the sight of God?
Lucia: I do!
[She produces a ring from somewhere and puts it on his finger.]
The Audience: Is that one of her rings? 'Cause if it fits him, she's got some serious man-hands.
Lucia and Edgardo: Now we're pledged to each other forever and only death can part us!
The Audience: You guys have never heard the phrase "tempting fate," have you.
Lucia and Edgardo: Nnnnnope.
Alisa: [offstage facepalm]
Edgardo: Okay, this has been great and all but I have to go to France. Later!
Lucia: Don't goooooo
Edgardo: I'll miss you so muuuuuuch
Lucia: Write to meeeeeee
Edgardo: Okaaaaaay
Lucia: Seriously, though. I'm going to be a complete emotional wreck the whole time you're gone. I just want you to think about that and feel super guilty and maybe shed a few manly tears when you think about how much pain you're causing me.
Edgardo: Sounds good!
[They embrace.]
Edgardo: And don't forget, you swore to be faithful to me forever!
Lucia: How could I ever forget? I love you SO MUCH and I promise not to marry anyone else while you're gone!
Edgardo: Sounds legit.
[He exits. End of Act I.]
Donizetti: So, what did you think of the first act?
The Audience: It needs more ominous foreshadowing. I don't think we quite got the whole "doomed lovers" thing.
Donizetti: Really?
The Audience: No. Shut up.
Next installment: Act II
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]
A dramma tragico in two acts (Act II, Act III)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano
[Act I: The grounds of Ravenswood Castle in Scotland. Normanno, the captain of the guard, enters with an entourage of armed men.]
Normanno: SEARCH THE GROUNDS
The Guards: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: ALSO SEARCH THE RUINED TOWER
The Guards: THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Normanno: WE'RE GONNA SOLVE THIS MYSTERY
The Guards: WE SURE ARE
Normanno: OUR HONOR DEMANDS IT
The Guards: IT CERTAINLY DOES
The Audience: The only mystery in this opera is what the fuck is going on and why everyone feels the need to repeat each new phrase seventeen times.
Me: Welcome to the bel canto period, suckers.
The Audience: ... goddammit.
[Normanno and the guards keep singing about mysteries and honor and shit instead of actually doing anything useful.]
The Audience: This is going to be a long opera, isn't it.
Me: Yuuuuuup.
The Guards: HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
HONOR DEMANDS IT
[The guards finally shut up and go search for... whatever it is they're trying to find. Normanno stays behind because he's lazy. Enter Raimondo, the chaplain, and Enrico, the lord of Ravenswood Castle.]
The Audience: So is Ravenswood a family name, or just the name of the castle?
Donizetti: It's a family name.
The Audience: And Enrico is the head of the family?
Donizetti: Nope. Enrico's an Ashton. The Ravenswoods are his mortal enemies.
The Audience: But he's... That's their... gahhhh. We're less than ten minutes in and this opera already makes no goddamn sense. What the hell, man.
Donizetti: Hey, this isn't my fault. If you've got a problem, take it up with Sir Walter Scott.
Sir Walter Scott: Bring it, bitches.
The Audience: Whatever. You wrote the opera; we're holding you responsible.
Donizetti: Rude.
Enrico: WOULD ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DELIVER SOME EXPOSITION
The Audience: Oh, thank Christ.
Normanno: Hey, Enrico! You sure look upset about something!
Enrico: And with good reason! As you know, the Ashton family is on the brink of disaster for numerous reasons which I won't bother to explain –
The Audience: GODDAMMIT
Enrico: – and that asshole Edgardo is laughing at us! Man, I hate that guy so much.
The Audience: And let us guess... he's not gonna tell us why.
Me: You're catching on!
The Audience: Go to hell.
Enrico: My stupid sister is the only one who can save the family, but for some reason she doesn't want to marry some guy she's never met in order to unite us with a more powerful clan!
Normanno: What a bitch.
Enrico: I know, right? So selfish.
Raimondo: You know, guys, her mom just died and stuff. Maybe we should be more understanding.
Enrico: You shut your insubordinate mouth.
Raimondo: She's in mourning! Her heart is broken and she can't be expected to love anyone right now.
Normanno: Ummmm I'm gonna call bullshit on that. She's totally banging some other dude.
Enrico: WHAT
Raimondo: Well, fuck. There goes her secret romance.
Enrico: How do you know this?
Normanno: I basically follow your sister everywhere she goes.
The Audience: Aaaaand it just got creepy.
Enrico: How did it start?
Normanno: Well, your sister's super hot and I thought that if I followed her long enough I'd get to see her undressing or something –
Enrico: Not the stalking, jackass. The secret affair.
Normanno: Oh. Well, one morning she was out walking near her mother's grave when she was suddenly attacked by a wild bull!
The Audience: Wild bulls in Scotland? Is that a thing?
Donizetti: How the fuck should I know?
Normanno: Anywho, just as she was about to get her very shapely ass killed, some guy comes out of nowhere and straight-up murders the bull.
The Audience: That actually sounds pretty exciting.
Donizetti: I know, right? Waaaay too interesting to actually happen onstage.
The Audience: ... we hate you so much.
Enrico: Okay, I'm going to roll right past your apparent sexual fixation on my little sister –
Normanno: Much appreciated.
Enrico: – and just ask you who this mystery man was.
Normanno: You're probably not gonna like the answer.
Enrico: Whoever he was, he saved Lucia's life! I need to repay him for his act of bravery!
Normanno: He's also been secretly meeting her every morning since then.
Enrico: A harmless flirtation. Just tell me where to send the fruit basket.
Normanno: Okay. Promise you won't get mad?
Enrico: Promise.
Normanno: Wellllll I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I'm almost positive he's an enemy of yours.
Enrico: You'll have to be more specific. I'm pretty much a giant asshole to everyone I meet.
Raimondo: Agreed.
Enrico: Shut up.
Normanno: Like... your arch-nemesis. You live in his castle for some reason.
Enrico: ... you mean Edgardo?
Normanno: Just remember, you promised you wouldn't get –
Enrico: SHIT PISS GODDAMN HELL MOTHERFUCKER
Normanno: – mad. Son of a bitch.
Raimondo: Sooo not so much with the gratitude anymore, huh.
Enrico: FUCK NO
Raimondo: Look – Normanno said he wasn't completely sure, so he's probably wrong. You should probably ignore everything he has to say.
Enrico: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAIMONDO
Raimondo: ... yes, m'lord.
Enrico: AHHH I'M SO VERY ANGRY
I'M SO ANGRY I COULD KILL EVERYONE HERE
Normanno: Please don't? I kinda like being alive.
Raimondo: Yeah, what he said.
Enrico: LUCIA HAS BROUGHT SHAME ON OUR FAMILY FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME AND I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS HIT BY LIGHTNING
The Audience: That... seems a little extreme.
[The guards re-enter.]
The Guards: OH HEY NORMANNO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT
Enrico: What happened?
The Guards: Wellllll we were searching the ruined tower and we saw some guy there and he rode away on a big horse before we could question him but one of us recognized him.
Enrico: And who was it?
The Guards: Edgardo.
Enrico: AHHHH I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW
Raimondo: IT'S NOT TRUE DON'T BELIEVE THEM
Enrico: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP
Raimondo: Douche.
Enrico: I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER EDGARDO AND PISS ON HIS GRAVE
The Guards: WOOOO REVENGE
[Everyone exits. The scene changes to an old well/fountain somewhere on the castle grounds. Enter Lucia, our heroine – if one can really call her that – and Alisa, her handmaid.]
Lucia: Dammit, Edgardo's still not here.
Alisa: You know, it's probably not a great idea to come here when your brother's on the warpath.
Lucia: It's precisely because Enrico is so furious that I have to warn Edgardo!
Alisa: And you thought the best way to do this would be by having him come here, on the castle grounds, while there are armed men who want to kill him everywhere.
Lucia: Yeah. What's your point?
Alisa: Mostly that it really sucks to work for a moron.
Suzuki: I know, right?
[Lucia looks at the well fearfully.]
Alisa: What's wrong?
Lucia: Oh, nothing. You know that old story of how a Ravenswood, driven mad by love, stabbed his girlfriend and dumped her body in this well?
Alisa: Yeah...
Lucia: Well, I've seen her ghost. I was out walking one night and I heard a low moan as I was passing this spot, and she suddenly appeared and beckoned to me.
Alisa: That bodes reeeeally well for your relationship with the last surviving Ravenswood.
The Audience: Seriously.
Lucia: Her lips were moving, too. It was like she was trying to say something to me.
Alisa: Like what?
Lucia: "Seven days."
Alisa: HOLY SHIT YOU SAW THE RING
Lucia: And then she disappeared. And the water had all turned blood-red.
Alisa: Yeah, you're fucked. Like... there's literally no way in hell you're making it out of this opera alive.
Lucia: Shit.
Alisa: But just to be safe, you could always try breaking up with Edgardo.
Lucia: But I love him so muuuuuuuch and he's so passionate and always makes me feel better about my pointless life!
Alisa: Hey, it's your funeral.
[Edgardo enters.]
Alisa: Okay, you crazy kids. Have fun; I'll keep watch and make sure no one shows up to murder you.
Edgardo: Thanks!
[Alisa exits.]
Edgardo: Soooo just to let you know, I'm going to France for a while. I was thinking that maybe I could talk to your brother before I leave and put an end to this feud so we can get married?
Lucia: Ummm... maybe now isn't the best time to talk to him. There was talk of pissing on graves earlier.
Edgardo: What an asshole. First he killed my father, then he stole my fucking house...
The Audience: This whole feud is starting to make sense now.
Edgardo: … and now he wants to kill me and desecrate my remains. Seriously, I don't know why he hates me so much. He's fucked me over twice, and I have yet to do anything to get back at him.
The Audience: Except boning his sister.
Edgardo: Touché. But yeah, he's a son of a bitch and I swore on my father's grave to wage eternal war on him and his whole fucking family.
Lucia: Hey!
Edgardo: Except you, sweetheart.
Lucia: Thank you.
Edgardo: In fact, while I'm here...
Lucia: I don't like where this is going.
Edgardo: brb gonna murder your brother
Lucia: GET BACK HERE
Edgardo: But he's an asshoooooole
Lucia: True, but he's still my brother. Could you just put your revenge plans aside and focus on how much you love me?
Edgardo: Maybe.
Lucia: Like... to the exclusion of everything else. Let your love for me consume you completely.
Edgardo: That sounds like the healthiest possible thing to do!
Lucia: Yaaaaaaaay
Edgardo: Let's have a secret marriage! I have a ring for you right here!
[He slips the ring on her finger.]
Edgardo: Do you promise to be faithful to me forever, in the sight of God?
Lucia: I do!
[She produces a ring from somewhere and puts it on his finger.]
The Audience: Is that one of her rings? 'Cause if it fits him, she's got some serious man-hands.
Lucia and Edgardo: Now we're pledged to each other forever and only death can part us!
The Audience: You guys have never heard the phrase "tempting fate," have you.
Lucia and Edgardo: Nnnnnope.
Alisa: [offstage facepalm]
Edgardo: Okay, this has been great and all but I have to go to France. Later!
Lucia: Don't goooooo
Edgardo: I'll miss you so muuuuuuch
Lucia: Write to meeeeeee
Edgardo: Okaaaaaay
Lucia: Seriously, though. I'm going to be a complete emotional wreck the whole time you're gone. I just want you to think about that and feel super guilty and maybe shed a few manly tears when you think about how much pain you're causing me.
Edgardo: Sounds good!
[They embrace.]
Edgardo: And don't forget, you swore to be faithful to me forever!
Lucia: How could I ever forget? I love you SO MUCH and I promise not to marry anyone else while you're gone!
Edgardo: Sounds legit.
[He exits. End of Act I.]
Donizetti: So, what did you think of the first act?
The Audience: It needs more ominous foreshadowing. I don't think we quite got the whole "doomed lovers" thing.
Donizetti: Really?
The Audience: No. Shut up.
Next installment: Act II
[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]
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