Tosca, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Scarpia's private chambers on an upper floor of the Palazzo Farnese. Scarpia is sitting at the table and eating dinner, waiting impatiently for something to happen. It feels like he's been waiting forever, really. Well, maybe not exactly forever; maybe just a little over three years. And maybe you're about to say that I make a version of this joke every goddamn time I go a long time between posts but FUCK YOU MAYBE I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN A WHILE AND MAYBE I'M A LITTLE BIT RUSTY, OKAY.

The Readers: Jesus. Someone's feeling insecure.

[I have no idea what you mean. And also shut up.]

Scarpia: You know what this opera needs? A good falconry metaphor.

The Audience: Those are hard to come by these days. Proceed!

Scarpia: So Tosca is like a falcon and my men are like dogs and by now she should have led them to wherever Cavaradossi is hiding Angelotti! I don't really know what animals those two would be in this metaphor, though. Rabbits? Foxes?

The Audience: Ummmm actually that's technically a simile and not a metaphor because you said "like".

Scarpia: Ummmm actually I could have you all LITERALLY KILLED so sure, keep talking back. See how that works out for you.

The Audience: ...

Crickets: [chirp chirp]

Scarpia: Damn straight.

[He rings a bell. Sciarrone comes running like his life depends on it, because let's face it — it probably does.]

Scarpia: Has Tosca arrived to sing for the cantata yet?

Sciarrone: We've sent someone to look for her.

[At Scarpia's order, Sciarrone opens the window. Music can be heard from the courtyard below.]

Scarpia: Well, the orchestra is still killing time, so she's obviously not here yet. [He scribbles a note.] Wait for her at the entrance and give her this when she arrives.

[Sciarrone takes the note and leaves. Scarpia sits back down at the dinner table and sings about his lust, and you just KNOW that under the table he's jerking himself into a murder-frenzy.]

The Audience: oh god no

Scarpia: oh god YES

My Parents: [are incredibly disappointed that their son has grown into such a crass human being]

Scarpia: I can't wait to bargain the painter's life for sex with his girlfriend! I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. It's like a magnet. And when you're a baron, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.

The Entire Internet: TOO SOON

Scarpia: Anyway, I like my women like I like my wine: strong, full-bodied, and locked in a cellar with lots of others so I can choose one according to my mood.

The Audience: You are the actual worst.

[Sciarrone enters.]

Sciarrone: Sir, I — oh. Oh god. Oh no.

Scarpia: HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING

Sciarrone: [averting his eyes] Yeah, I'm just gonna give you a couple minutes to finish up and also I need to binge-drink until the past thirty seconds are erased from my brain forever.

Scarpia: No need to leave; you ruined it anyway.

Sciarrone: [shudder]

Scarpia: You were saying something?

Sciarrone: Right. Uhhh. Spoletta is back. Thought you should know.

Scarpia: Excellent! Send him in.

[Sciarrone opens the door and lets Spoletta in.]

Sciarrone: [whispering] I hope you've got good news, man. I just cock-blocked the boss.

Spoletta: Fuuuuuuck.

Scarpia: Spoletta! How was the stalking?

Spoletta: It went really well in the sense that I followed Tosca to Cavaradossi's secret love-shack and burst in as soon as she left and searched the whole place...

Scarpia: Awesome! So where's our escaped convict?

Spoletta: ... buuuuuuut it went somewhat less well in the sense that Angelotti was nowhere to be found.

Scarpia: YOU SHIT-EATING SNAKE-SNOUTED MOTHERFUCKER I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU

Spoletta: JESUS CHRIST CALM DOWN I ALSO ARRESTED THE PAINTER BECAUSE HE WAS BEING HELLA SMUG AND OBVIOUSLY KNEW WHERE ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING

Scarpia: Oh. Good. Send him in, then. [to Sciarrone] And you — go fetch the torture guy. And probably the judge too, I guess.

The Audience: Right, because you give so many shits about due process.

[The flunkies leave and return a moment later with Cavaradossi, the judge, and the torture guy.]

Torture Guy: I have a name, you know.

The Audience: Do you have any lines?

Torture Guy: No, but —

The Audience: And do you do any actual onstage torturing?

Torture Guy: No, but —

The Audience: Then yeah, we really don't care.

Torture Guy: [mumbling sadly] ... but my name's Roberti.

The Audience: We can't hear you byyyyyyyyyye

Cavaradossi: Could you tell your goons to be more careful? I have delicate painter-hands and I need them in working order.

Scarpia: Don't push your luck, pretty-boy. Sit down.

Cavaradossi: I think I'd rather stand.

Scarpia: Don't be a dick, man. I'm trying to give this whole ugly affair a veneer of respectability, okay? So just. Sit. Down.

Cavaradossi: No thanks, I'm good.

Scarpia: SIT THE FUCK DOWN

Cavaradossi: I DON'T WANNA

Scarpia: FINE BUT THE CHAIRS ARE SUPER CUSHY SO IT'S YOUR LOSS

[From the courtyard, Tosca can be heard singing the cantata.]

Scarpia: So, are you aware —

Cavaradossi: SHHH I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY GIRLFRIEND

Scarpia: You haven't yet realized how thoroughly fucked you are, have you.

Cavaradossi: What was that?

Scarpia: Oh, nothing. Just clearing my throat. Aaaaanyway, did you know about the prison break yesterday?

Cavaradossi: This is the first time I'm hearing about it! I didn't even know there was a prison nearby!

Scarpia: Really? Because I have men who say you sheltered and fed the escaped prisoner and took him to your country house.

Cavaradossi: And who's saying that, exactly?

Scarpia: Top. Men.

Cavaradossi: Look, these charges are bullshit and your spies didn't find anything when they searched my house.

Scarpia: That just proves you're really good at hiding people.

Cavaradossi: What? That's not how evidence works.

Scarpia: But that is how brutal authoritarian rule works. Guess which one is more important right now!

Spoletta: ALSO HE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS QUESTIONING HIM

Scarpia: See? More evidence you're lying.

Spoletta: It's not really evidence; it just hurt my feelings.

Cavaradossi: [laughing] I don't give two shits about your feelings, you jack-booted thug!

Scarpia: Stop laughing! [menacingly] This is a place for tears.

Spoletta: [sniffling] Well, it is now.

Scarpia: WHERE IS ANGELOTTI

Cavaradossi: I DON'T KNOW

Scarpia: DID YOU GIVE HIM FOOD

Cavaradossi: I SURE DIDN'T

Scarpia: DID YOU TAKE HIM TO YOUR LOVE SHACK

Cavaradossi: I DEFINITELY DID NOT TAKE HIM TO THE PALAZZO DI CAZZO

Scarpia: DID YOU — wait, is that seriously what you call it?

Cavaradossi: ... it was Tosca's idea.

The Audience: Sure it was.

Scarpia: Okay but let's be real for a second. I'm about to torture the ever-loving fuck out of you, so this would be a great time to confess and save yourself a butt-load of pain.

The Audience: Uhhh... does he mean "butt-load" in a colloquial sense, or is that something we should be taking literally?

Torture Guy: Oh, I would tell you, but you guys are dicks.

The Audience: Boooo.

Scarpia: So is there anything you'd like to share with me?

Cavaradossi: Nope.

Scarpia: Nothing at all?

Cavaradossi: Noooooooope.

Spoletta: JUST TORTURE HIM ALREADY HE'S SUCH A JERK

[Tosca rushes in and embraces Cavaradossi.]

Scarpia: Ugh, finally. I thought that cantata was never gonna end.

Tosca: MARIO WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU ARRESTED

Cavaradossi: [whispering to her] Don't say shit about what you saw at the Palazzo di Cazzo or they'll kill my friend and execute me for treason.

Tosca: [whispering back] Okay, but can we stop calling it that? It's kinda gross.

The Audience: HAAAAA WE KNEW YOU WERE LYING

Cavaradossi: Yeah, I'm not a great liar. Or actor, for that matter.

Puccini: Foreshadowing!

The Audience: Go away.

Scarpia: MARIO CAVARADOSSI NOW THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS HERE YOU CAN BEGIN YOUR TESTIMONY UNDER EXTREME DURESS

[Sciarrone opens a door, revealing Scarpia's hidden torture chamber. Cavaradossi is dragged inside, followed by Sciarrone, the judge, and Roberti the Torture Guy. Spoletta shuts the door behind them and stands guard.]

Scarpia: [to Tosca] And now that that's out of the way, we can have a nice little chat like best girlfriends! You know, just drink skim lattes and gab about boys and whether or not those boys are secretly harboring fugitives from justice!

Tosca: That seems awfully specific.

Scarpia: Is that not a common topic of conversation? Huh. On another note entirely and for no reason whatsoever, how did it go earlier when you stormed off to find Cavaradossi? Did you find him with the Marchesa Attavanti, or maybe with anyone else who shares her name and bloodline?

Tosca: Nope. He was alone.

Scarpia: Are you sure?

Tosca: Positive. Turns out I was just being crazy and jealous!

Scarpia: Don't forget easily manipulated!

Tosca: Yeah, well, you're never gonna manipulate me again.

Scarpia: It's adorable that you think that.

Tosca: I mean it. You're not getting anything out of me.

Scarpia: If you want your boyfriend back in one piece, you might want to rethink that last statement.

Tosca: WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM IN THERE

The Audience: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING TO HIM IN THERE

Scarpia: They're not playing backgammon, that's for damn sure.

Torture Guy: [offstage] Yeah — we're playing Trivial Pursuit!

Cavaradossi: [offstage] SOMEONE HELP ME I KEEP LANDING ON SPORTS AND LEISURE

Tosca: NOOOO THAT'S THE WORST CATEGORY

Scarpia: TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR THEY'LL MAKE HIM PLAY MONOPOLY NEXT

Tosca: SWEET JESUS THAT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER

Scarpia: AND THEY WON'T EVEN LET HIM HAVE ONE OF THE COOL PIECES — HE'LL HAVE TO BE THE THIMBLE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT

Tosca: I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW JUST MAKE IT STOP

Scarpia: [calling through the door] SCIARRONE STOP

Sciarrone: [poking his head out] But I was just about to get the blue wedge!

Scarpia: Am I having a stroke, or did you just talk back to me?

[Sciarrone whimpers and goes back inside.]

Tosca: Can I see him?

Scarpia: No. Tell me what I want to know.

Tosca: MARIO ARE YOU OKAY

Cavaradossi: [offstage] YEAH AND I CAN HANDLE THE SHITTY BOARD GAMES FOR A WHILE SO KEEP YOUR GIANT DIVA MOUTH SHUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Tosca: Rude. [turning back to Scarpia] I don't know anything. So there.

Scarpia: Fine, have it your way. START TORTURING HIM AGAIN

Sciarrone: [offstage] yaaaaay blue wedge

Tosca: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS YOU MONSTER

Scarpia: They can stop any time you want, you know. All you have to do is betray your principles and your lover!

The Audience: Oh, is that all.

Tosca: But I don't knoooowwwww anythiiiiiiiiiing

Scarpia: Christ, you're like a broken record. SCIARRONE OPEN THE DOOR SO SHE CAN HEAR HIS TORMENT BETTER

[Sciarrone complies.]

Torture Guy: [offstage] What was the exact weight in centigrams of the first person ever to win a silver medal at the Olympics?

Cavaradossi: [offstage] HOW WOULD ANYONE EVER KNOW THAT

Tosca: [incoherent sobbing]

Cavaradossi: [offstage] FUCK THIS GAME AND FUCK YOU TOO I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Sciarrone: [offstage] SCARPIAAAA HE KICKED OVER THE BOARD AND NOW THERE ARE PIECES EVERYWHERE

Scarpia: Oh, for the love of — JUST PUT HIM IN THE BRAIN-STABBY-DOOHICKEY ALREADY

Cavaradossi: [offstage] DO YOUR WORST YOU FASCIST SCUM I'M SURE I CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU — OH SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST THAT HURTS BAD

Tosca: NOOOOO okay fine Angelotti is hiding in the well in the garden.

Scarpia: It took you long enough. ROBERTI YOU CAN STOP NOW

Torture Guy: [offstage] Aw, it was just getting fun.

Sciarrone: [opening the door again] Only thirty seconds of actual torture and he's already passed out. What a wuss.

Tosca: Let me see him!

[At an order from Scarpia, Cavaradossi is dragged in and deposited at Tosca's feet. Sciarrone, the judge, and Torture Guy all leave, but Spoletta stays behind.]

Tosca: ewwwwwww he's all bloody and gross now

Cavaradossi: [regaining consciousness] ... Tosca? Is that you? Please hold me; I need to be comforted.

Tosca: I love you and everything but this dress is hella expensive and I don't want to ruin it.

Cavaradossi: [coughing up blood] Fair enough. You didn't tell them anything, though, right?

Tosca: Of course not! That would have been really shitty and I would never, ever —

Scarpia: HEY SPOLETTA REMEMBER WHEN TOSCA TOLD US THAT ANGELOTTI WAS HIDING IN THE WELL

Spoletta: I SURE DO AND NOW I'M GONNA GO ARREST HIM

[He runs out.]

Tosca: ... goddammit.

Cavaradossi: WHAT THE HELL TOSCA WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Tosca: I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM TORTURE

Cavaradossi: I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THEY STARTED STABBING ME WITH POINTY OBJECTS

[Sciarrone rushes in.]

Sciarrone: YOUR EXCELLENCY THERE'S SOME TERRIBLE NEWS REGARDING OUR STUNNING VICTORY AT MARENGO

Scarpia: What about it?

Sciarrone: TURNS OUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A STUNNING DEFEAT AND BONAPARTE KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF MELAS

[The news sends Scarpia into a rage and turns Cavaradossi into the Kool-Aid Man.]

Cavaradossi: [jumping up] OH YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Tosca: [tugging on his sleeve] Hey, Mario, maaaaaybe it's not the best time for —

Cavaradossi: FUCK YOU SCARPIA YOU UTTER SHITBAG YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED

Tosca: — doing exactly what you just did. You know this guy still controls whether you live or die, right?

Cavaradossi: RAISE A GLASS TO FREEDOM

The Audience: aaaaayyyyyyyyy

Scarpia: Something you will never see again... [indicating Tosca] ... no matter what she tells you.

[Yeah, there was no way this script wasn't going to include a Hamilton reference. You all really should have seen that coming.]

Scarpia: Well, now that that little outburst is finished, I can have you officially arrested and executed as an enemy of the state. Thanks for making my job easier!

Cavaradossi: But... but... freedom!

Scarpia: Look out the window. Do you see Napoleon's army here to rescue you?

Cavaradossi: No... ?

Scarpia: Then I can still do whatever the fuck I want, and that includes hanging you. In short: ARRIVEDERCI, FELICIA

[Cavaradossi is dragged away. Tosca goes to follow, but Scarpia cuts her off.]

Scarpia: Not you. You get to watch me eat my dinner.

Tosca: You have to saaaaave hiiiiiiim

Scarpia: I don't have to do shit. You, on the other hand... [He sits back down at the table and resumes eating.]

Tosca: Fine. How much money do you want?

Scarpia: That's adorable. [gesturing at their surroundings] Does it look like I need money?

Tosca: Well, what do you want instead?

[Scarpia wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.]

Tosca: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Scarpia: I mean, I always knew you were a fox. But seeing you tonight, full of anguish for your lover and utter hatred for me? Turns out that reeeeeally gets me going.

Tosca: Just so we're on the same page, I would literally rather jump out this window —

Puccini: Also foreshadowing!

Tosca: — and plummet to my certain death than have sex with you.

Scarpia: God, I love it when you talk dirty.

Tosca: That's not — we're not gonna — GAHHH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME

Scarpia: Because you're a strong, outspoken woman and I feel entitled to violate your body so I can claim some sort of sick ownership of you, thereby stripping you of your agency? And I'm also utterly undeterred — nay, even encouraged — by your lack of consent?

Tosca: That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Women in the Audience: Oh, honey. On the internet, we call that a Tuesday.

Tosca: Christ. Really?

Women in the Audience: And also Wednesday. And Thursday. And most other days.

Scarpia: So what's it gonna be, Sugar-tits?

[He advances on her and she retreats behind the couch.]

Tosca: DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME

Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR SPASMS OF PASSION OR HATRED OR EPILEPSY OR WHATEVER

Tosca: YOU ARE THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER

Scarpia: WELL THE GROSSEST HUMAN EVER ALSO HAS THE POWER TO STOP YOUR LOVER'S HANGING SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OVER IT

[Tosca collapses on the couch in despair.]

Tosca: DEAR JESUS WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME I'M JUST AN ARTIST AND I'VE NEVER HURT ANYONE EVER

Jesus: [from Heaven] Welllllll the script for Act I heavily implied you're the earthly vessel for some kind of Lovecraftian hellbeast, and I'm not down with tentacled horrors from dimensions unknown.

Cthulhu: [from the nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh] IS THAT WHY YOU HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST

Jesus: In a word: yes.

Cthulhu: WELL FHTAGN YOU AND FHTAGN YOUR MOTHER TOO

Jesus: YOU LEAVE MARY OUT OF THIS

Tosca: Uhhhh... that was weird. [to Scarpia] Look, I'm begging you. Don't make me do this.

Scarpia: I'm not asking that much — a long, happy life with Cavaradossi in exchange for an instant with me.

The Audience: An instant? Really?

Scarpia: IT'S A MORE COMMON PROBLEM THAN YOU MIGHT THINK AND ALSO SHUT UP

[Spoletta rushes in.]

Scarpia: Good God, I need to put a lock on that door.

Spoletta: Sooooooo we found Angelotti but he committed suicide before we could capture him.

Scarpia: Well, just hang his corpse from the scaffold. And is everything ready for Cavaradossi?

Spoletta: It sure is! We've even rigged it to make sure his neck won't snap from the drop, so he'll just have a slow, painful death by strangling!

Tosca: fuuuuuuuck

Scarpia: Great! Then I'll let you go and execute him in five... four... three... two...

Tosca: OKAY FINE I'LL DO IT

Scarpia: [unbuttoning his pants] Awwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh

Tosca: Not yet. First, you let Mario go.

Scarpia: Hold on now; I can't just go around pardoning people willy-nilly.

The Audience: What happened to being able to do whatever the fuck you want?

Scarpia: Hush. Just to keep up appearances, we'll have to stage a fake execution. [to Spoletta] Remember how we did that fake firing squad for Count Palmieri? Do it like that.

Spoletta: Palmieri? Pretty sure we actually shot that guy.

Scarpia: [gritting his teeth] No, you must be thinking of that guy Fieri, because we definitely let Palmieri go, alive and un-bullet-riddled.

Spoletta: No, I distinctly remember that we drowned Fieri in his own terrible sauce as an ironic punishment. Palmieri was the one we shot —

[He sees Scarpia making wild "shut up, you jackass" gestures at him from behind Tosca's back.]

Spoletta: — with fake bullets at a fake execution because the whole thing was fake. I remember now!

The Audience: Smooth.

Scarpia: So now that that's settled, you should probably go make the arrangements.

Spoletta: That sounds like a great idea! I'm gonna leave before I say anything else incriminating.

Tosca: What?

Scarpia: [pushing Spoletta out the door] Nothing! He said nothing. [dropping his pants] So about that hate-sex...

Tosca: Not so fast! I need official, written assurance that Mario and I will be able to leave the country unmolested.

The Audience: Uh... phrasing.

Scarpia: Is my word not good enough?

Tosca: Yeah, I just don't trust you for some reason. Maybe it's the secret police. Or the torture. Or the sexual blackmail.

Scarpia: That's fair. [sitting down at his writing desk] Which route do you want to take?

Tosca: The shortest.

Scarpia: Civitavecchia it is!

[He starts to write while Tosca looks on in shame and disgust.]

Scarpia: [humming to himself] doot doot de doo, gonna go down to Bone Town once this letter is finiiiiished

[While Scarpia is distracted, Tosca notices a knife on the dinner table. She sidles over, picks it up, and hides it behind her back.]

Scarpia: Aaaaaaaand done! [getting up] Allow me to slip into something a little more comfortable.

Tosca: ... you mean my vagina, don't you.

Scarpia: I sure do! YOU'RE MINE AT LAST

[He rushes toward her and she stabs him right in the fucking chest.]

Tosca: LOL NOPE

Scarpia: HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SOMEONE HELP ME

Tosca: ARE YOU DROWNING IN YOUR OWN BLOOD YET YOU SON OF A BITCH

Scarpia: help... me...

Tosca: SAY MY NAME MOTHERFUCKER

Scarpia: [gurgling sounds]

The Audience: Holy shit. This opera is metal as fuck.

Tosca: YEAH YOU DON'T FUCK WITH FLORIA TOSCA BECAUSE — because... you.....

[Tosca's eyes turn completely black. Her jaw opens wide — far too wide for a human — and what Scarpia sees lurking inside her body is too horrific to comprehend. What remains of his mind is irreparably shattered. The creature feeds on his madness, leaving his rapidly exsanguinating body little more than a withered husk. When death finally overtakes him, it is a merciful release.]

Puccini: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS

[But wouldn't it be awesome if it did?]

Puccini: No. Now tell it right, goddammit.

[Fiiiiiine.]

Tosca: [standing over Scarpia's corpse] I can't believe everyone was so afraid of this ass-clown. All it took to kill him was one teensy little stab in the heart!

[She pries the letter of safe passage from Scarpia's cold, dead fingers.]

The Audience: Hey, didn't you make a big deal in Act I about being super religious?

Tosca: Yeah? So?

The Audience: ... thou shalt not kill?

Tosca: Shiiiiiiiit

[End of Act II.]

Tosca, Act I

Tosca
A series of unfortunate events in three acts

Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa

[Act I: Due to certain important historical events that take place during the story, this opera has a very specific setting (Rome, a couple days after June 14th, 1800) – but if you think that detail stops people from attempting to update the opera, you're wrong.]

Everyone Ever: That's... really weird.

Administrators of the Bregenzer Festspiele: YEAH WELL WE WERE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE SO SUCK IT 

[The curtain opens on the interior of Sant'Andrea del Valle, a church in Rome. On one side of the stage, a large painter's scaffold stands beneath a covered painting; on the other, there is a locked gate leading into the Attavanti chapel. There's also a statue of the Virgin Mary near the chapel entrance, which you wouldn't think would be a plot point but it kinda is. Enter Angelotti, a political dissident who has just escaped from prison.]

Angelotti: Thank god I'm finally here! I was afraid that everyone I passed on the street was an undercover cop.

Javert: [offstage] I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

Puccini: Wrong country, decade, and art form. Get out.

[Angelotti runs over to the statue of Mary, examining it closely and mumbling to himself like the type of crazy vagrant he so strongly resembles.]

Angelotti: Oh, come on. My sister said it would be right over here – ah!

[He discovers a key hidden near the statue, which he promptly uses to open the chapel gate. He retreats inside just as the sacristan enters, carrying a bunch of paintbrushes.]

Sacristan: grumble grumble stupid artists and their stupid paints getting all over my robes –

[He looks around.]

Sacristan: Signor Cavaradossi? ... Huh. I could have sworn I heard him in here.

[One of the church bells chimes the Angelus, and the sacristan kneels to pray.]

Sacristan: And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary, and he was all like, "Hey girl haaaaay you're holy and you're going to bear the son of God," and she was all like, "That sounds pretty cool." And thus the Word of God was made flesh and came to dwell among us. Amen.

[Enter Mario Cavaradossi, painter and tenor extraordinaire.]

Cavaradossi: The fuck are you doing?

Sacristan: I'm praying the Angelus, you miserable heathen. 

[Cavaradossi climbs the scaffold and removes the cover from his painting. It's a foxy blonde woman.]

Sacristan: Wait, who is that?

Cavaradossi: It's Mary Magdalene.

Sacristan: Well, it looks suspiciously like the woman who's been praying near the statue of the Madonna every day for the past week.

Cavaradossi: Yeah... she was pretty hot, so I painted her while she wasn't paying attention.

Sacristan: That's kinda sketchy.

Cavaradossi: Just shut up and give me my paints.

Sacristan: grumble grumble godless pervert

[Cavaradossi resumes painting for about a minute before stopping to take out a picture of his girlfriend and stare at it lovingly.]

The Audience: Is he getting paid by the hour?

Sacristan: He wishes.

Cavaradossi: It's funny how people can look so different from each other! My girlfriend, the famous singer Floria Tosca –

The Audience: Name-dropper.

Cavaradossi: – has dark hair, but the woman I've been painting has blonde hair!

The Audience: Yeah, people can have different hair colors. You're not just noticing this now, are you? 

Cavaradossi: But that's not all! The woman in the painting has blue eyes, but Tosca's eyes are black!

The Audience: ... wait, her eyes are black?

Cavaradossi: Blacker than obsidian. Blacker than the nearly palpable darkness of a sealed tomb miles beneath the surface of the earth, in which slumbers an ancient, unspeakable horror. To gaze into her eyes is to taste madness. It is to be drawn into a twilit realm of gnawing fear and waking nightmare, from which there is no hope of escape.

The Audience: ...

Cavaradossi: ...

The Audience: ...

Cavaradossi: And she's got tits like you wouldn't fucking believe.

The Audience: Of course she does.

Cavaradossi: And even though I'm painting this random woman on a church wall without her knowledge or consent –

The Audience: – which, we have to admit, is pretty creepy –

Cavaradossi: – I'm still only thinking of Tosca because we're SO IN LOVE

The Audience: D'awwww.

Sacristan: THE ONLY WOMAN DESERVING OF SUCH SINGLE-MINDED ADORATION IS THE VIRGIN MARY BECAUSE SHE BECAME A MOTHER (which is, of course, a woman's highest calling) WITHOUT EVER DEBASING HERSELF BY ENGAGING IN THE SEX

The Audience: You're a bit of an extremist, aren't you.

Sacristan: No, that's more or less the church's official position.

Cavaradossi: And that's why I'm an agnostic! Among other reasons.

Sacristan: Shut it. Since you're clearly too busy thinking lustful thoughts to do your damn job, can I leave?

Cavaradossi: Please do.

[As the sacristan is leaving, he notices Cavaradossi's basket of food on the scaffold.]

Sacristan: Are you fasting or something?

Cavaradossi: I'm just not hungry.

Sacristan: Pity. Your flesh could use a little mortification.

Cavaradossi: JUST GO ALREADY

Sacristan: Fine. Lock up when you leave.

[He exits. Cavaradossi resumes painting. Angelotti, assuming that the church is empty again, emerges from the chapel. Cavaradossi hears the gate creak and looks up.]

Cavaradossi: WHO'S THERE

[Angelotti looks terrified for a moment, but then he recognizes Cavaradossi.]

Angelotti: Thank god it's you! You have to help me!

Cavaradossi: Sorry, man; I don't have any spare change.

Angelotti: I'M NOT A HOBO YOU ASSHOLE

Cavaradossi: [recognizing him] ... Angelotti? Weren't you in prison?

Angelotti: Yeah, I just broke out of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Can you help me out?

Cavaradossi: Sure, I –

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO

Cavaradossi: Fuuuck. It's my crazy-jealous girlfriend. [to Angelotti] You'd better hide again.

The Audience: Crazy-jealous, huh. Weren't you babbling about how much you loved her two minutes ago?

Puccini: This is opera. Insane jealousy is love.

[Somewhere in a drafty Parisian attic, Mimi and Rodolfo high-five.]

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Cavaradossi: [calling back] Right here, darling! [to Angelotti] Seriously, man, you need to get back in that chapel.

Angelotti: BUT I'M HUNGRYYYYY

Cavaradossi: [handing him the basket of food] Here. Now shut up and go.

[Angelotti retreats into the chapel as Cavaradossi goes to let Tosca in.] 

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO LUIGI CAVARADOSSI IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THIS INSTANT –

Cavaradossi: [opening the door] Hello to you too, darling.

Tosca: Why was the door locked and WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO JUST NOW AND IS SHE PRETTIER AND/OR YOUNGER THAN I AM

Cavaradossi: The sacristan wanted it shut, I was talking to you, and you need to calm down because there's no one else here.

Tosca: NUH-UH I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE SO WHERE IS SHE

Cavaradossi: There's no other woman. Calm down.

Tosca: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG

Cavaradossi: That is exactly what I'm saying. And also that I love you.

The Audience: For some reason.

[Cavaradossi attempts to give Tosca sloppy makeouts, but she pushes him away.]

Tosca: Not in front of the statue of Mary! I can feel her ever-watching eyes silently judging us!

Cavaradossi: Yeah, I've never really been a fan of T. J. Eckleburg's sculptures. There's always something weird and off-putting about them.

Tosca: Hush, darling. I have to pray!

[She kneels in front of the statue of Mary and arranges some flowers around the base.]

The Audience: That's not prayer; that's botany.

Tosca: YOU SHUT UP I'M THE BEST CATHOLIC EVER [to Cavaradossi] Sooo I'm singing in a concert tonight, but if you meet me backstage after I'm done, we can go to your villa and have passionate pre-marital sex!

The Audience: Yup. Best Catholic ever.

Tosca: I'M PIOUS AS SHIT SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF

Cavaradossi: Sorry, what were you saying about tonight? 

Tosca: We're gonna go to your flowery little love-nest and bone in the light of the full moon!

Cavaradossi: [distracted] Yeah, sure. That sounds fine.

Tosca: I'm overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.

Cavaradossi: No, really. I'm excited and aroused and stuff.

Tosca: It's been so long since we enjoyed each other carnally in the sweet embrace of nature, with the moon and the stars and all sorts of nocturnal creatures watching us in the throes of passion and OH GOD I NEED IT SO BAD

Cavaradossi: ... did it just get really hot in here?

Tosca: I'm just sayin' – Tosca's got a fire in her loins that needs you to quench it.

The Audience: And Tosca apparently likes referring to herself in the third person.

Cavaradossi: Are you sure we can't just have a quickie here in the church?

Tosca: Of course not. That would be sinful.

The Audience: You really pick and choose with the sin stuff, don't you.

Cavaradossi: Well, fine. If we're not gonna bone yet, I need you to leave so I can get some work done.

Tosca: Are you seriously kicking me out of church?

Cavaradossi: I really need to finish this painting. The sacristan has been a passive-aggressive bitch to me all day.

Tosca: Fine, I'll go. But can I see your painting first?

Cavaradossi: Sure!

The Audience: ... this isn't going to go well, is it.

Tosca: [looking at the painting] WHO IS THAT AND WHY IS SHE SO BEAUTIFUL

Cavaradossi: It's supposed to be Mary Magdalene.

Tosca: NO SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR SOMEHOW

Cavaradossi: Just one of those faces, I guess.

Tosca: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MARCHESA ATTAVANTI

Cavaradossi: Well, technically...

Tosca: I KNEW YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE JUST NOW YOU RAT BASTARD TELL ME WHERE SHE'S HIDING

Cavaradossi: Whoa, girl; calm your exceptionally nice tits. She was here to pray and I painted her. That's all.

Tosca: ... you promise?

Cavaradossi: I promise.

Tosca: [whining] But now she's staring at meeeee and I don't like iiiiiiit

Cavaradossi: You are literally the craziest person I have ever met.

Tosca: But her eyes –

Cavaradossi: – are nowhere near as beautiful as yours. [mesmerized] Your black, shining eyes... filled with all the secrets of the nether-world... one could almost get lost in them forever...

The Audience: Jesus Christ, someone get the holy water.

Tosca: [hugging Cavaradossi] Aww, you say the sweetest things sometimes.

Cavaradossi: [waking from his trance] What? I didn't say anything.

Tosca: Okay, I guess I'll leave now. But can you do me a favor and paint her eyes black, like mine?

Cavaradossi: You're crazy and jealous and apparently feel the need to interfere with my work, but I love you!

The Audience: That doesn't really answer her question.

Tosca: You would forgive me for my jealousy if you knew how it tormented me inside! Sometimes I get so upset that I black out and wake up hours later in a field – naked, covered in blood, and surrounded by eviscerated livestock!

Cavaradossi: That might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.

The Audience: Holy water. HOLY WATER.

Tosca: But it only happens because I just LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Cavaradossi: I LOVE YOU TOO

[They embrace.]

Tosca: GODDAMMIT MARIO YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR

Cavaradossi: Sorry. Can I finish painting now?

Tosca: Of course – just promise me that no women of any hair color whatsoever will come and pray here!

Cavaradossi: That's not something I really have much control over, but... sure?

Tosca: Good. See you tonight!

[She starts to go.]

Tosca: Oh, and don't forget to paint her eyes black!

Cavaradossi: YES THANK YOU PLEASE LEAVE NOW

[They give each other a quick kiss and Tosca finally leaves. Once she's gone, Cavaradossi hurries over to the chapel and lets Angelotti out again.]

Cavaradossi: Sorry about that.

Angelotti: She seems a bit... clingy.

Cavaradossi: You've got no idea. And she tells her priest literally everything in confession, so I thought it would be best to leave her in the dark about this.

Angelotti: Yeah, keeping secrets from your jealous and easily-angered girlfriend seems like the most logical course of action here.

Cavaradossi: Shut up. So what's your plan?

Angelotti: Well, I either need to hide somewhere or to get out of Rome. My sister, the Marchesa Attavanti, left some women's clothes in the chapel so I could disguise myself.

Cavaradossi: Oh, so that's why she's been coming here so often.

Angelotti: Yuuup. She took a pretty big risk, helping me escape from Scarpia and all that.

Cavaradossi: Scarpia! That asshole of a baron who likes to torture men and seduce women!

The Audience: He's gonna be a baritone, isn't he.

Puccini: How'd you guess?

Cavaradossi: But seriously, you can't stay here until nighttime. There's a path behind the rectory that leads through some fields and straight to my villa – you can hide there. [handing Angelotti a key] This will get you inside, and I'll be there as soon as I can. If there's any trouble, you can hide in the well – there's a secret room about halfway down.

Angelotti: Awesome. [fetching the dress from the chapel] Should I wear this?

Cavaradossi: No need. The path is usually deserted at this time of day.

Angelotti: Aww, but I wanted to be pretty!

Cavaradossi: Fiiiiine, you can play dress-up. But make it quick, okay? It probably won't be long before they discover that –

[A cannon sounds in the distance.]

Cavaradossi: – you've escaped. Fuuuuuck.

Angelotti: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the cannon at the prison.

Cavaradossi: Okay, we need to get you out of here before Scarpia and his henchmen show up. I'll come along, just in case you run into any trouble!

[They rush out. The sacristan enters.]

Sacristan: HEY MISTER PAINTER I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS

[He looks around and sees that he's alone.]

Sacristan: Oh, for the love of – he's gone again? That painting's never gonna get finished. [sighing] And I wish I could see his face when he hears the news! After all, anyone who ruins a heathen's day is granted an indulgence!

The Audience: Shouldn't you treat him with respect and love? You know, like Jesus would?

Sacristan: That sounds like filthy Protestant talk to me.

[Various priests, altar boys, and children's choir members enter in a hurry.]

The Chorus: WHAT'S GOING ON

Sacristan: Wonderful news! Napoleon has just been defeated by the Austrian army!

The Chorus: WOW REALLY TELL US MORE

Sacristan: When they write about this war in history books, the Battle of Marengo will forever be remembered as the final defeat of that uppity Corsican scumbag!

Historians in the Audience: [snicker] 

The Chorus: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS

Sacristan: General Melas sent a messenger along with news of the battle! I mean, the battle wasn't technically over yet, but he was completely sure that the French army wouldn't possibly be able to turn their crushing defeat into a surprise victory!

Historians in the Audience: [guffaw]

Sacristan: And in celebration of this joyous occasion, we're going to be doing a full Te deum mass that starts in ten minutes, followed by a gala celebration at Palazzo Farnese and the premiere of a new cantata – presumably written in the past thirty minutes – starring Floria Tosca!

The Chorus: ooooooooh 

Sacristan: Now go get ready for the mass!

The Chorus: LOL NO IT'S PARTY TIME

[And then the children run around screaming about how excited they are.]

The Audience: This is an entirely accurate depiction of how children behave in large groups. 

Puccini: Thanks!

The Audience: That wasn't a compliment.

[The craziness continues until Scarpia enters, followed by several flunkies. Let's do a roll call!]

Spoletta: I'm Spoletta, Scarpia's right-hand man!

Sciarrone: And I'm Sciarrone, Scarpia's left-hand man!

Javert: AND I'M JAVERT – DO NOT FORGET MY NAME

Spoletta and Sciarrone: STOP FOLLOWING US

The Chorus: WOOOO WE'RE SO EXCITED AND STUFF

Scarpia: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS A CHURCH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[Everyone cowers.]

Sacristan: Um... sorry. We're just really excited about the great news and stuff...

Scarpia: Everyone get out. Start preparing for the mass.

[The chorus departs quickly, and the sacristan prepares to leave as well.]

Scarpia: Except you.

Sacristan: [whimpers]

Scarpia: [to Spoletta] Search every corner. There has to be evidence somewhere.

Spoletta: Yes, sir!

Scarpia: [to Sciarrone and the others] Keep watch at the doors, but don't make it too obvious.

Sciarrone and the others: Yes, sir!

Scarpia: [to the sacristan] And you're going to answer my questions – but I want you to know in advance that this is a matter of national security. I will literally feed you your own entrails if you lie to me.

Sacristan: ... yes, sir.

Scarpia: A prisoner just escaped from the Castel Sant'Angelo, and we have reason to believe he hid here. Where is the Attavanti chapel?

Sacristan: [pointing] Over there! And the gate's open!

[They go inside. Scarpia returns, holding a fan.]

Scarpia: I'll have to find the jackass who fired off that cannon and torture him to death. Angelotti was here, but he must have known we were coming and run away. He must have had some help... but from whom?

[He paces, tapping the fan against his hand.]

Sacristan: Maybe from whoever left that fan in the chapel... ?

Scarpia: Oh, don't be ridiculous. This clearly belonged to Angelotti.

Sacristan: But... that's a lady's fan.

Scarpia: His predilection for dressing in women's clothing is widely known – and it's at least half the reason we arrested him in the first place.

Sacristan: It looks like there's a family crest on it.

Scarpia: [looking closer] HOLY CRAP THERE IS

The Audience: The world's greatest detective. Move over, Batman.

Scarpia: This belongs to the Marchesa Attavanti! [noticing the painting] And there she is! Thank god no one painted her eyes black, or I wouldn't have recognized her! [to the sacristan] Who painted that portrait?

Sacristan: Mario Cavaradossi.

Scarpia: Tosca's boyfriend? This might be an excellent opportunity to blackmail her into sleeping with me.

[One of the policemen comes out of the chapel, carrying Cavaradossi's empty food basket.]

Sacristan: The basket! It's empty!

Scarpia: So?

Sacristan: There was food in it for Cavaradossi, but it was full the last time I saw him!

Scarpia: Yeah, the funny thing about food is that it tends to disappear when people eat it.

Sacristan: But he said he wasn't hungry – and he didn't have a key to the chapel, either!

Scarpia: Well, I guess I'll just have to arrest this guy and bang his girlfriend. Work, work, work.

[Tosca enters.]

Scarpia: Speak of the devil! [stepping out of sight] I guess it's time to start Operation Manipulate a Jealous Girlfriend Into Helping Me Arrest Her Lover!

Tosca: MARIO WHERE ARE YOU

Sacristan: Who the hell knows? He just vanished, probably with the help of some heathen black magic.

Tosca: What? You're crazy.

[The sacristan exits. Scarpia steps out of his hiding place, dips his hand into the holy water basin, and offers some to Tosca.]

Scarpia: Care to bless yourself, my lady?

Tosca: Thank you! That's not remotely sketchy behavior at all!

Scarpia: It's nice to see someone like you coming to church with entirely pure intentions. Not like some other sluts I could mention.

Tosca: [eyes narrowing] What do you mean?

Scarpia: Well, there's a woman – who looks remarkably like the one in that painting, by the way – who's been coming her every day to meet her lover. [holds up the fan] She even left this among his paintbrushes!

[Tosca grabs the fan and notices the crest.]

Tosca: WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ATTAVANTI WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND

Scarpia: OH NO IS CAVARADOSSI YOUR BOYFRIEND I HAD NO IDEA THIS MUST BE SO UPSETTING FOR YOU

Tosca: I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I COULDN'T GO TO HIS LOVE-SHACK TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ATTEND THE ROYAL GALA BUT I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY BONING SOME PRETTY BLONDE BITCH

Scarpia: [to himself] This is way easier than anticipated. It's like taking candy from a fish, or shooting babies in a barrel, or however those sayings go.

Tosca: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE

Scarpia: I'm sorry to see you're so upset – is there anything I can do comfort you?

The Audience: You are such a sleaze.

Scarpia: Yuuuuuuuup.

Tosca: HOW DARE HE TURN OUR SPECIAL PLACE INTO A SEEDY BROTHEL

Scarpia: YEAH THAT'S TERRIBLE I THINK YOU SHOULD GO THERE RIGHT NOW AND FIND HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM

Tosca: YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING MANIPULATED RIGHT NOW

[Tosca runs out. Scarpia signals for Spoletta to come over, and people begin filing into church.]

Scarpia: Follow her. She'll lead you straight to Cavaradossi and Angelotti.

Spoletta: [in a singsong voice] Weeeeee're following the diva, the diva, the diva –

Scarpia: Shut up. Meet me in my quarters at the Palazzo Farnese when you've found them.

Spoletta: Yes, sir.

[Spoletta exits. The mass begins, and the procession of cardinals, priests, and altar boys passes behind Scarpia.]

Puccini: You know, I'm a little concerned that Scarpia isn't villainous enough.

The Audience: Maybe you could give him a gloating monologue while the Te deum goes on in the background.

Puccini: You think?

The Audience: Oh, yeah. The juxtaposition of sacred and profane actions will make him seem so much more evil than he would on his own!

Puccini: ... you may have a point.

The Chorus: OH GOD YOU CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH

Scarpia: GO, TOSCA – FEEL MY VENOM PENETRATE YOUR BOSOM

Puccini: How's that?

The Audience: It's a good start. Try expanding on his lustful intentions.

The Chorus: PRAISE GOD'S NAME NOW AND FOREVER

Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND CAVARADOSSI TO HIS DEATH WHILE I SCREW HIS GIRLFRIEND

The Audience: Good, good.

Puccini: And now for the big finish!

Scarpia: TOSCA YOU MAKE ME FORGET GOD

Everyone: YAAAAY JESUS

Puccini: ... nailed it.

[End of Act I.]

Madama Butterfly, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: The following morning. Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow have all fallen asleep. A distant chorus of workers can be heard as the sun rises.

The Orchestra: This is as close to an overture as you're ever going to get in a Puccini opera.

The Audience: So why isn't it at the beginning of the show?

Puccini: Meh.

The Orchestra: LISTEN TO ALL THE RECURRING MUSICAL THEMES

Half of the Chorus: Oh haaay 

The Other Half of the Chorus: Oh haaaaaaaaay

[This goes on for much longer than it needs to. Finally, Suzuki wakes up.]

Suzuki: Huh. It's already morning.

Butterfly: [mumbling in her sleep] ... oh yeah, baby... right there...

[Suzuki clears her throat loudly.]

Butterfly: WHAT I'M AWAKE

Suzuki: No offense, but you look like crap. Go get some actual sleep in an actual bed, and I'll wake you up when he arrives.

[Butterfly picks up Sorrow, who's still fast asleep, and carries him inside.]

Butterfly: Lullabyyyyy and good niiiiight
Stay asleep, little love-chiiiiild

[Suzuki shakes her head sadly as she listens to the lullaby.]

Butterfly: [offstage] Twinkle, twinkle, little staaar
How I wonder what the fuck is taking your dad so loooooong

Suzuki: Man, marriage sucks. It's times like these I'm glad I'm a lesbian.

[Pinkerton and Sharpless enter through the garden, accompanied by a prim Caucasian woman.]

The Audience: Yeah, that can't be good.

[The two men approach the house, leaving the woman in the garden. Sharpless knocks lightly on the door.]

Suzuki: WHO'S THERE

[She throws open the door.]

Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU

Pinkerton and Sharpless: SHHHHH

Suzuki: HOLY SHIT IT'S REALLY YOU

Sharpless: Better.

Pinkerton: Is Butterfly asleep?

Suzuki: Yeah, she was up waiting for you all night. I'll go get her!

Pinkerton: You know what, I think she probably needs her sleep. There's no reason to wake her up yet, no sir.

Suzuki: Do you like all the flowers? We decorated the place just for you!

Sharpless: I told you.

Pinkerton: Shut up.

Suzuki: Waaaaaait a minute. Is that a white lady out in the garden?

Pinkerton: Um... yes?

Suzuki: WELL WHO THE FUCK IS SHE

Sharpless: Cat's out of the bag now, asshole.

Pinkerton: She's nobody!

Sharpless: She's his shiny new American wife.

Suzuki: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Sharpless: Her name's Kate.

Suzuki: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER NAME

Pinkerton: [to Sharpless] Dude. Not cool.

Sharpless: Eat a dick. [to Suzuki] Look. I know Mister Thinks-With-His-Penis over here has completely fucked everything up, but we could really use your help.

Suzuki: With what?

Sharpless: Convincing Butterfly to give the Pinkertons her baby so they can take him back to America.

Suzuki: Wow. Okay. I'm just going to repeat what I said before: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Sharpless: It's what's best for the child! He'll have a good life and he'll be fed and clothed and educated and they'll give him a real goddamn name instead of an emotion!

Kate: [calling from the garden] I was actually thinking of naming him Postpartum Depression Pinkerton!

Sharpless: Not helping.

Kate: Sorry.

Suzuki: You do realize this will literally kill Butterfly, right?

Sharpless: She's the leading soprano in a Puccini opera. She was pretty much doomed from the beginning.

The Audience: Fair enough.

Sharpless: Look, just go talk to Kate. She's really nice, I promise.

Suzuki: Go to hell.

[Suzuki goes into the garden. Meanwhile, Pinkerton has been wandering around the house and making sad faces instead of making any attempt to solve the problems he is entirely responsible for.]

Pinkerton: Wow, this is really sad. I wish something could have been done to prevent this whole awkward situation from ever happening!

The Audience: Fuck you. Fuck you so much.

Pinkerton: OH GOD I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS SADNESS

The Audience: We hope you spend your inevitable time in hell being endlessly violated by some unspeakable Lovecraftian horror.

Pinkerton: SHARPLESS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BUT I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING

Sharpless: Sooo let me get this straight. You came here to take the son you've never met away from his mother – whom you abandoned – and away from the only home he's ever known, and you're just going to dump that responsibility on me and on your new wife?

Pinkerton: If it helps at all, I feel really bad about it.

Sharpless: You're the worst fucking person I've ever met. I told you not to go through with the wedding; I told you she was in love with you; I told you there would be dire fucking consequences – and what did you do? YOU KNOCKED HER UP YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

Puccini: Just remember, kids – don't be a fool; wrap your tool.

The Audience: Gross.

Pinkerton: Why are you yelling at me? I said I was sorry.

Sharpless: Actually, you didn't.

Pinkerton: Well, I am. And I'm gonna be tormented by this memory for the rest of my life!

Sharpless: Bullshit. You'll be over it in a week.

Pinkerton: Yeah, probably.

Sharpless: Just shut the fuck up and get out. I'll tell Butterfly myself.

Pinkerton: GOODBYE MY FLOWERY LOVE-SHACK
WE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER
BUT NOW I'M JUST GONNA RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE BIIITCH

Sharpless: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY

[Pinkerton runs away. Suzuki and Kate re-enter from the garden.]

Kate: So you'll tell Butterfly that it's for the best?

Suzuki: Yeah, whatever.

Kate: Awesome! I've always wanted to steal an Asian baby.

Suzuki: He's half-Caucasian.

Kate: Meh. Close enough.

Suzuki: In any case, it would be better if I talked to her alone. Maybe you guys should –

Butterfly: [offstage] SUZUKI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Suzuki: Shit. Everybody hide!

[Kate retreats to the garden so she won't be seen, which is kinda pointless because it's still completely visible from the house. Sharpless, being old and creaky and whatnot, doesn't even bother to move.]

Suzuki: You guys are terrible at hiding. NO BUTTERFLY DON'T COME OUTSIDE

[Butterfly comes outside.]

Suzuki: Goddammit.

Butterfly: AHHH WHERE IS HE I KNOW HE'S HERE HE MUST BE HIDING OR SOMETHING

[She runs around the house and the garden, looking for Pinkerton.]

Butterfly: ...huh. I can't find him anywhere, but there's a random American woman in the garden. Anyone feel like explaining?

Sharpless: Not really, no.

[Suzuki starts crying.]

Butterfly: I have a bad feeling about this.

The Audience: Better late than never.

Butterfly: What's wrong? Is my husband dead or something?

Suzuki: No, he's alive.

Butterfly: Is he ever coming back?

Suzuki: Nnnnope.

Butterfly: [starting to understand] Soooo who's that woman in the garden?

Sharpless: She's pretty much the cause of all your problems, but don't hold it against her.

Butterfly: OH GOD HE GOT A SEX CHANGE

The Audience: A swing and a miss.

Sharpless: Yeah, that's not Pinkerton.

[After two and a half acts of self-delusion, Butterfly's brain chooses this moment to start functioning again.]

Butterfly: OH GOD HE MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE

Sharpless: Now you're getting it.

Butterfly: OH GOD THEY WANT TO TAKE MY SON BACK TO AMERICA

Sharpless: More or less. But it's in the best interests of the child, you know.

Butterfly: Wellllll I have to obey the wishes of my husband, even though he's already married someone else and is actively trying to take away my only reason to keep living.

[Kate comes back from the garden.]

Kate: Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
I stole your husband
Give me your baby

Sharpless: Shut up, Kate.

Kate: Too soon?

Sharpless: Little bit.

Kate: Sorry, Butterfly.

Butterfly: Don't be sorry for me; you've married the best man in the world and I'm sure he'll bring you happiness. You know, until he abandons you and destroys your life.

Kate: Yeah that's great and all but when do I get to take your child?

Butterfly: Back off, you WASP-y bitch. If Pinkerton wants his son, tell him to come here in half an hour.

[Sharpless and Kate leave. Butterfly collapses in tears.]

Suzuki: Jesus. Are you all right?

Butterfly: NO YOU FUCKING MORON I'M NOT EVEN REMOTELY ALL RIGHT

Suzuki: You know what I mean.

Butterfly: WHERE'S MY SON

Suzuki: He's playing. Should I go get him?

Butterfly: No, just go and keep him company. I'm just gonna commit suicide.

Suzuki: Maybe I should stay and make sure you don't do anything crazy... ?

Butterfly: JUST LEAVE ALREADY

Suzuki: FINE

[Suzuki exits. Butterfly gets out her father's stabbin' knife and reads the inscription on the blade.]

Butterfly: "You've fucked up your life, but at least you can still die like a badass."

[She prepares to shank herself, but is interrupted by the arrival of Sorrow.]

Suzuki: [calling from offstage] I figured you wouldn't kill yourself in front of your son!

Butterfly: Challenge accepted.

[She embraces her son.]

Butterfly: Soooo your daddy is going to take you to America and I'm going to take a trip to heaven or Nirvana or whatever it is I'm supposed to believe in...

Puccini: Hey, don't look at me. I'm just as clueless as you.

Butterfly: ... but try not to forget me completely, okay? Mommy loves you. Now go play.

[She gives him a tiny American flag and blindfolds him.]

Sorrow: This is a weird game.

Butterfly: You can't talk. Shut up.

[And then she stabs herself.]

Pinkerton: [offstage] BUTTERFLYYYYYY

[Pinkerton and Sharpless run in, only to see Butterfly dead and the blindfolded love-child waving an American flag.]

Puccini: Symbolism!

The Audience: Shut up.

[Pinkerton falls to his knees.]

Pinkerton: WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE WARN ME THAT THIS MIGHT HAPPEN

Sharpless: Seriously, dude. Go fuck yourself.

[End of the opera.]

Madama Butterfly, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The same location as Act I, three years later. Everything looks exactly the same and no one looks any older, but that’s fine – no soprano who’s actually old enough to sing Butterfly would ever be remotely believable as a teenager anyway, so who gives a shit. As the curtain rises, Suzuki can be seen praying and ringing a little bell in front of a shrine to the Buddha, and Butterfly is lying on the floor with her head in her hands. 

Butterfly: ... holy shit so hung over...  

Suzuki: Yeah, we should probably go easy on the sake bombs from now on. My head is killing me.

Butterfly: If your head hurts so much, you could always stop ringing that goddamn bell.

Suzuki: Nah, I’m good.

[She starts ringing again.]

Butterfly: [growls]

Suzuki: Dear Japanese Creator Gods: 
Please make Butterfly stop being such a cranky bitch all the time. 
Love, Suzuki.

The Audience: So, wait. She’s sitting at a Buddhist shrine and praying to Shinto gods? How does that make any sense at all?

Puccini: Shinto and Buddhism aren’t the same thing?

The Audience: [facepalm]

Puccini: Meh. All them Eastern religions look alike to me.

Butterfly: THE JAPANESE GODS ARE LAZY ASSHOLES

Suzuki: Rude.

Butterfly: The American God is so much cooler!

Neil Gaiman: Thanks!

Butterfly: Wasn’t talking to you.

Neil Gaiman: Oh. Sad face.

Suzuki: If the American God is so awesome, why doesn’t he ever answer your prayers?

Butterfly: Well obviously he hasn’t figured out where we live yet because we’re so far from America. Duh.

The Audience: Impeccable logic.

Suzuki: So why don’t you try praying to someone who knows where you live?

Butterfly: Because fuck you, that’s why. How much money do we have left?

[Suzuki opens a small box and takes out a few coins.]

Suzuki: Looks like we’re pretty much broke.

Butterfly: Shit.

Suzuki: Maybe you could try getting a job or something?

Butterfly: NO I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK AND PROVIDE FOR ME

Suzuki: You mean the husband who left Japan three years ago and hasn’t even written to you since?

Butterfly: Yeah, that one. He knows how to take care of his family.

Suzuki: You and I have very different definitions of “take care.”

Butterfly: Well he made sure that the guy from the American consulate kept paying our rent, so he must be coming back!

Suzuki: Are we sure that Mister Sharpless isn’t paying the rent on his own because he’s a good person and doesn’t want to see us go homeless?

Butterfly: NO GODDAMMIT IT WAS MY HUSBAND’S IDEA

Suzuki: Sure it was.

Butterfly: My darling Pinkerton wants to keep me safe and sound until he returns because he loves me and he always will!

Suzuki: Yeah, about that. When was the last time you heard of an American sailor actually coming back to Japan for his woman?

Butterfly: IF YOU KEEP SASSING ME I’M GONNA CUT OUT YOUR GODDAMN OVARIES AND FEED THEM TO A TANUKI

The Audience: Wow. She seems a little touchy today.

Butterfly: Don't you remember? I asked him when he was coming back and he told me he’d return in the season when the robins build their nests!

Suzuki: Yeah, that’s super specific and it really inspires confidence in his trustworthiness.

Butterfly: Shut the fuck up. I’m telling you, one of these days he’ll just come sailing back into the harbor and walking up this huge fucking mountain to come see me but I’m going to hide and keep him waiting, mostly because I’m a huge cocktease –

The Audience: As demonstrated by the last twenty minutes of Act I...

Butterfly: – but also so I don’t just die when I see him again!

Puccini: Once again... hint hint.

The Audience: GO AWAY ALREADY

Butterfly: And then I’ll run to him and he’ll embrace me and kiss me and tear off my clothes and whip out his huge –

Suzuki: Oooookay, I think I get the idea.

Butterfly: I CAN’T WAIT IT’S GONNA BE SO AWESOME

[Butterfly dismisses Suzuki. Goro and Sharpless appear at the top of the hill. Sharpless approaches the house and knocks. Goro hides near the house so he can eavesdrop because he’s shifty and also an asshole.]

Sharpless: Hello? Mrs. Butterfly?

Butterfly: FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME MY NAME IS MRS. PINKERTON

Sharpless: Um. If this is a bad time, I can come back later...

[She opens the door.]

Butterfly: Oh, hello! It's so good to see you!

Sharpless: You remember me?

Butterfly: No offense, but I've only ever met, like... two white guys. And since I'm pretty sure you're not my husband, that narrows it down a bit.

Sharpless: Fair enough.

[Butterfly beckons for Sharpless to come inside and claps her hands to call Suzuki.]

Butterfly: Soooo how are all your ancestors doing?

Sharpless: Uh... still dead, last time I checked. But thanks for asking!

[Butterfly and Sharpless kneel on cushions on either side of a small table, and Butterfly giggles at her guest’s obvious discomfort because she’s a huge bitch. Suzuki brings in a tray with a long pipe and some tobacco, while Sharpless removes a letter from his jacket pocket.]

Butterfly: [gesturing to the tray] Care for a smoke?

Sharpless: No thanks, I’m good. Listen, I’ve got to talk to you about –

[Butterfly takes a hit from the pipe.]

Butterfly: Oh man that’s some good shit. You sure you don’t want some?

Sharpless: No, really. I’m fine.

Butterfly: What are you, some kinda narc? Are you wearing a wire?

Sharpless: I have no idea what that means. Can we just –

Butterfly: Maybe you’d like some cigarettes instead? Or some black tar heroin?

Sharpless: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS

Butterfly: Rude.

Sharpless: I’m here because I have a letter from your husband.

Butterfly: OHMIGAWD REALLY HOW IS HE

Sharpless: He’s fine.

Butterfly: Well, that’s a relief. Soooo could you tell me when robins build their nests in America?

Me: When they’re adopted by eccentric billionaires who dress up as flying rodents and fight crime.

The Audience: That’s really not as funny as you think it is.

Me: Batman is always funny.

The Audience: Shut up.

Sharpless: Sorry, I’m confused. Why exactly do you need to know this?

Butterfly: My husband said he’d return when the robins make their nests, but they’ve already done that several times now. But there’s no way my beloved Pinkerton would ever lie to me, so maybe American robins don’t make nests as often as they do in Japan?

The Audience: Once again... impeccable logic. And do they even have robins in Japan?

Puccini: How the fuck should I know?

[Goro emerges from his hiding place and starts laughing at Butterfly’s naïveté.]

Goro: ahahahaha oh man you’re a moron

Butterfly: WHO THE FUCK IS LAUGHING AT ME

Goro: ‘Sup.

Butterfly: Oh, it’s this asshole. Get the fuck off my property. [to Sharpless] Can you answer my question now?

Sharpless: Actually, I can’t. I don’t know anything about ornithology.

Butterfly: Orni-whatnow?

Sharpless: Ornithology. The study of birds.

Butterfly: Oh. So you don’t know when robins build their nests?

Sharpless: Nnnnope.

Butterfly: THEN WHAT GODDAMN USE ARE YOU

Sharpless: [indicating Pinkerton’s letter] Look, can we just get back to –

Butterfly: Oh, right. [pointing at Goro] Soooo this douchebag keeps showing up at my house and trying to hook me up with new husbands, even though I keep telling him that I’m already married.

Goro: Bitch, you’re broke as hell, your family has disowned you, and your handsome American husband has totally abandoned you. If you don’t marry someone else, you’re going to starve to death.

Butterfly: I’m comfortable with that. Tell your suitor to find another geisha.

Goro: Wellll he’s already here, so you can tell him yourself! HEY YAMADORI COME ON IN

[Yamadori enters on a sedan chair, carried by several servants.]

Butterfly: Again? Don’t you ever get tired of being rejected?

Yamadori: Hey, baby. I know you must be tired, ‘cause you’ve been meekly shuffling through my mind allllll day.

Goro: Heh. Good one, your highness.

[Goro goes for a high-five. Yamadori ignores him.]

Butterfly: I bet you said that to all the other girls you married... and then divorced.

Yamadori: More or less. But I promise to be true to you!

Butterfly: Fuck off.

Goro: Are you serious? He’s a prince and he’s got a palace and he’s just generally rich as fuck! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Butterfly: I’M ALREADY MARRIED

Yamadori and Sharpless: [facepalm]

Butterfly: DON’T YOU FACEPALM AT ME

Goro: But the law says –

Butterfly: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LAW

Goro: – that if a husband abandons his wife, it’s the same thing as getting a divorce.

Butterfly: Nuh-uh.

Goro: Yuh-huh.

Butterfly: Welllll Japanese law no longer applies to me because I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN NOW

Sharpless: That’s... not really how it works.

Butterfly: If someone wants to get divorced in Japan, all they have to do is kick the wife out of the house and that’s bullshit. But in America, anyone who tries to get a divorce is immediately thrown in prison and spends the next twenty years getting sodomized by burly men covered with scars and tattoos!

Sharpless: Your understanding of the American legal system is rudimentary at best.

Butterfly: Suzuki, bring some tea for our guests!

[Butterfly and Suzuki busy themselves with the tea while the men-folk converse.]

Yamadori: That’s not actually how it works, right?

Sharpless: No. She’s a moron.

Goro: But Pinkerton’s ship has almost arrived!

Yamadori: Wait. He’s actually coming back for her?

Sharpless: Hell no. He doesn’t actually want to see her, but he sent me to tell her because he’s too much of a pussy to do it himself.

Yamadori: Wow. What a little bitch.

The Audience: I know, right?

[Butterfly approaches and hands Sharpless a cup of tea.]

Butterfly: Here you go, Mister Sharpless! Those other two assholes can wait.

Yamadori: Aaaand that’s my cue to leave.

Butterfly: Your cue to leave was at least four pages ago, but you ignored it.

Yamadori: Charming, as always. If you ever decide to stop being such a frigid bitch, give me a call.

Butterfly: Not gonna happen.

Yamadori: Okay, have fun starving to death. Yamadori out.

[He and his servants exit, followed by Goro.]

Sharpless: Okay, they’re gone. Can we please read this letter now?

Butterfly: Oh, right! I had forgotten all about it. Have I mentioned that you’re the best person in the world for reading me this love letter from my adoring husband?

The Audience: Womp womp.

Sharpless: I’m just gonna ignore that and start reading.

The Audience: Probably a good idea.

Sharpless: Ahem. “Dear Sharpless,
I’d like you to go find that hot piece of ass I married – ”

Butterfly: He really says that? How romantic!

Sharpless: Yes. Now shut up.
“ – and read her this letter. Three years have passed since we were together – ”

Butterfly: He’s been counting the days too! He misses me!

Sharpless: “ – and maybe Butterfly doesn’t remember me anymore – ”

Butterfly: How could I ever forget him? He’s my soul mate!

Sharpless: “ – but if she still loves me and is still waiting for me – ”

Butterfly: I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUCH

Sharpless: “ – then I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell her that – ”

Butterfly: OHMIGAAAWD HE’S COMING BACK ISN’T HE THAT’S WHY HE SENT THE LETTER AHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED

Sharpless: [aside] Oh, for fuck’s sake. Pinkerton, you’re an asshole. [putting the letter away] Look. Speaking from an entirely hypothetical point of view... what would you do if you were to find out that maaaaybe your husband might never actually come back to you at all?

Butterfly: Oh, that’s easy. I could either go back to being a geisha, or – and this is my preferred option – I could FUCKING KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM

Sharpless: Oh. Wow. Have you considered that maybe it would be better to just marry Yamadori and let him provide for you?

Butterfly: FUCK NO IT’S EITHER GEISHA-ING OR SUICIDE

Sharpless: Ooookay.

Butterfly: I ALSO DON’T APPRECIATE THE INSINUATION THAT MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

Sharpless: Yeah, I think it might be best if I left.

Butterfly: NOOO I DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE STAY

Sharpless: Getting mixed signals here.

Butterfly: It’s just that your words hurt me so much that I thought I might literally die.

Sharpless: Wow.

Butterfly: But I’m okay now. [taking a deep breath] So that motherfucker’s forgotten me, huh?

Sharpless: Well, not exactly...

The Orchestra: ALLEGRO MODERATO, MOLTO VIBRATO

Anyone Who Has Fallen Asleep: HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON

[Butterfly exits and re-enters a few measures later, carrying a child who’s approximately two years and three months old.]

The Audience: Wait, what the shit?

Butterfly: AND HAS HE FORGOTTEN HIS CHILD TOO

The Audience: There’s been a kid at the house this whole time, and we never saw him running around and playing or even heard him crying? Either that's the most well-behaved child in the world, or he’s been tied up and gagged in a closet since the beginning of the act.

Sharpless: Sooo Pinkerton knocked you up?

Butterfly: You bet your white ass he did. Check it out – he even has blonde hair and blue eyes!

The Audience: Wait. Blonde hair and blue eyes on a half-Japanese child? Aren’t both of those genetic traits recessive?

Puccini: Fuck off.

Sharpless: Damn. Does Pinkerton know?

Butterfly: Nnnnope. I didn’t start showing until after he went back to America.

Sharpless: Okay, well... he can’t actually forget his child if he doesn’t actually know it exists.

Butterfly: Huh. Good point.

Sharpless: Yeah.

Butterfly: Well, you can write to Pinkerton and tell him that he has a beautiful son! That will definitely get him to come back.

The Audience: Yeah, because he cares about family so much.

Butterfly: [to her son] Do you want to know what this gentleman told me I should do?

[He nods.]

The Audience: D'awwwww he's the cutest thing ever.

Butterfly: He said that I should take you in my arms and wander through the mud and the rain and beg for alms on the side of the road!

Sharpless: Uh... I never said that.

Butterfly: And that I should call out for people to listen as I sang my song in front of an unfeeling, pitiless crowd!

Sharpless: You're just making shit up.

Butterfly: WELL I'M NEVER GOING TO SING OR DANCE LIKE A GEISHA AGAIN

Sharpless: I didn't ask you to!

Butterfly: I WOULD RATHER DIE FIRST

[Butterfly embraces her son, sobbing.]

The Audience: Wow. She's pretty crazy, but for some reason we can't stop crying now.

Sharpless: I know, right?

Puccini: That's how I roll, motherfuckers.

Sharpless: Okay, well. I hate to ruin the moment, but I have to go. Sorry for ruining your day and whatnot.

Butterfly: It's all right. [to her son] Say goodbye to Mister Sharpless!

Sharpless: He's so cute! What's his name?

Butterfly: Wellll his name is Sorrow at the moment, but when my baby-daddy comes home, his name will be Joy!

The Audience: It says in the program that his name is Trouble.

Me: Yeah, that's stupid. He's not a blues singer or a song-and-dance number from a Meredith Willson musical, so there's no good reason to call him that.

The Audience: But “Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pinkerton” does have certain ring to it...

Me: Touché.

Sharpless: I'll tell his father, I promise.

[Sharpless bids Butterfly goodbye and leaves. Suzuki enters a few moments later, dragging Goro behind her.]

Suzuki: SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME

Goro: But – but –

Suzuki: I DARE YOU – I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Butterfly: What's going on?

Suzuki: THIS ASSHOLE HAS BEEN SPREADING RUMORS IN TOWN THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOUR BABY-DADDY IS

Butterfly: Oh no he DIDN'T

Goro: Look, I was only saying – since you love America so much – that if he were to actually live in America, he would be a social outcast!

The Audience: Yeah, because that's so much better.

[Butterfly grabs her dad's seppuku knife, throws Goro on the floor, and puts the blade to his throat.]

Butterfly: MOTHERFUCKER IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU AND DUMP YOUR BODY OFF A CLIFF

Suzuki: Oookay, maybe we should all calm down before someone actually gets murdered.

[Butterfly releases Goro, who flees offstage and is never seen again. Butterfly puts the knife down and turns back to Sorrow.]

Butterfly: Sorry about all the yelling. But just wait – your dad's going to come home and we're going to be one big happy family again!

[A cannon sounds offstage.]

Suzuki: The cannon in the harbor! There's a ship coming in!

Butterfly: I can see it! It's a white ship, and it's flying an American flag!

The Audience: Damn, she's got good eyesight.

[Suzuki brings Butterfly a telescope so she can read the name of the ship.]

Butterfly: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE U.S.S. ABRAHAM LINCOLN THAT'S HIS SHIP

Suzuki: … wow. Looks like you were right all along.

Butterfly: EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY TO WAIT FOR HIM BUT WHO'S LAUGHING NOW

Suzuki: Yeah, about that. My bad.

Butterfly: MY HUSBAND'S COMING HOME AND LOVE HAS TRIUMPHED

Pinkerton: [somewhere in the harbor] Boy, I'm sure glad I had Sharpless tell Butterfly that I don't love her anymore! It's such a relief to know that I won't have to deal with some ridiculous drama on my return visit to Japan.

Butterfly: YAAAAAAAAAY

The Audience: [facepalm]

Butterfly: QUICK SUZUKI GET SOME CHERRY BLOSSOMS I WANT TO MAKE THE PLACE LOOK ALL PRETTY

Suzuki: … are you crying?

Butterfly: I'M JUST SO HAPPY

Suzuki: Okay. Well, it'll take him at least a couple hours to get here, so we have time to make the house look pretty.

Butterfly: Let's pick ALL THE FLOWERS

Suzuki: Sounds like a plan!

[They run around the garden picking flowers and singing.]

Suzuki: I'm so glad that you're not going to be a whiny bitch anymore!

Butterfly: I know, right?

Suzuki: Okay, we've pretty much cleaned out the garden. What now?

Butterfly: Now we scatter the flowers everywhere!

Suzuki: The flowers were already all over the place. Couldn't we have just left them where they were?

Butterfly: NOOO MY WAY IS BETTER

Suzuki: Fiiine.

Butterfly: And also we're gonna sing about it.

[They start tossing flowers around the house.]

Butterfly and Suzuki: SOUS LE DÔME ÉPAIS
OÙ LE BLANC JASMIN

The Audience: Wrong flower duet, guys.

Butterfly: Shit.

Butterfly and Suzuki: LET'S MAKE THE HOUSE SMELL LIKE SPRINGTIME
BY THROWING FLOWERS EVERYWHEEEERE

[They eventually run out of flowers.]

Butterfly: Now bring me my son and help me get dressed!

[Suzuki exits. Butterfly looks in a mirror.]

Butterfly: Oh man, I look so old.

The Audience: Yuuuuup.

Butterfly: Shut the fuck up. I've had a rough three years.

[Suzuki comes back in with Sorrow.]

Butterfly: Put some makeup on my face!

Suzuki: Can't you do it yourself?

Butterfly: Nnnnope. And also put some rouge on Sorrow's cheeks; I want him to look fabulous when his dad gets here!

[Suzuki touches up Butterfly’s makeup and starts brushing her hair.]

Suzuki: Hold still, goddammit.

Butterfly: I can't wait to rub this in my family's stupid faces. Especially my uncle, that stupid stupidhead of a Bonze.

Suzuki: There. Finished.

Butterfly: And also bring me my wedding robe.

Suzuki: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST DO ONE THING YOURSELF

Butterfly: I don't pay you to complain.

Suzuki: You don't pay me at all anymore because you're broke as fuck. I'm only here because I love you like a sister!

Butterfly: Aww, that's so sweet. Now bring me my fucking robe.

Suzuki: grumble grumble

Butterfly: And Sorrow's robe too, please.

[Suzuki brings the clothes out, helping Butterfly and Sorrow get dressed.]

Butterfly: I want to look just like I did on the day of our wedding!

The Audience: That's convenient, because you look exactly the same.

[Suzuki finishes Butterfly's outfit by putting a poppy in her hair.]

Butterfly: Wonderful! And now we play the waiting game.

[They sit down and wait for Pinkerton to arrive. And wait. Aaaaand wait.]

The Chorus: [offstage] HEY HOW DO YOU LIKE OUR HUMMING

The Audience: It's very pretty.

The Chorus: THAAAAANKS

[Butterfly, Suzuki, and Sorrow keep waiting. The sky turns dark.]

Sorrow: But I hafta peeeeeeee

Butterfly: Shut up and sit still.

[End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III