Pagliacci, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.

The Audience: Brilliant plan.

Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!

The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.

[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]

Beppe: :(

[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]

Beppe: :( :( :(

[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]

The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW

Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!

Tonio: I hate you all so much.

The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY

[Beppe and Nedda enter.]

Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US

The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.

[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]

The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE

[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]

Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.

Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.

Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?

Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.

Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!

Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...

[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]

The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS

[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP

[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]

Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

The Chorus: GET SOME

Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.

[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]

Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE

Nedda: There's Arlecchino!

[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]

Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.

The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY

The Audience: Nooooope.

[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]

Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.

Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.

Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.

Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!

[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]

Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT

Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!

[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]

Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.

Tonio: But -- but --

[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]

Beppe: GTFO N00B

Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.

My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?

Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.

[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]

Nedda: Arlecchino!

Beppe: Colombina!

[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]

The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.

Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS

Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD

Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU

[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]

Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!

Nedda: YAAAAAY

[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]

Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT

Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES

[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]

Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!

Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!

[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]

Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT

Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.

[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]

Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW

Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?

Canio: Yuuuuuuup.

Nedda: Why are you home early?

Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?

Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.

[Tonio steps out of the closet.]

R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.

Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL

Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP

The Chorus: oh shit

Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: Whose name?

Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE

The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?

Silvio: Yuuuuup.

Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --

Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY

Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW

Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.

Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!

Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.

Chorus Men: SHUT IT

Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN

Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?

The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER

Nedda: ... fuck.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.

Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU

Nedda: Kinda, yeah.

Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME

Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!

Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME

Nedda: APPARENTLY

Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE

Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.

Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?

Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?

[Canio pulls out a knife.]

The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]

Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.

Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF 

Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER

The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW

[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]

Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK

The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING

Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS

Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...

[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]

The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.

Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO

Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.

[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]

Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.

[Silvio and Nedda both die.]

The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.

The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE

The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.

Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED

The Chorus: ...

The Audience: ...

The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE

[End of the opera.]

Les Misérables, Part III

Previous installments: Part I, Part II

[Act II: The ass end of Paris, the morning after One Day More. Just for the sake of recap, let's see how things stand at the moment.]

Poor People: We hate rich people because they're assholes.

Rich People: We hate poor people because they seem to think they have human rights.

Valjean: I'm getting ready to flee the country because I heard someone scream outside my apartment.

The Audience: You haven't lived in a big city for very long, have you.

Cosette: I'm sad because I'll never see Marius again!

The Audience: You guys have known each other for less than twenty-four hours and you've only interacted with each other for about five minutes. Cool it, Heidi Hormones.

Cosette: But we shared a beautiful love duet!

Éponine: IT WAS A TRIO YOU MAN-STEALING HUSSY

Enjolras: I'm leading a bunch of students, most of whom have never used a weapon before, against a fighting force with superior numbers, equipment, and training – but our righteous zeal for JUSTICE will make up for our stunning ignorance of military tactics!

Marius: I'm moping about a girl, so I think it's entirely acceptable to throw my life away for no reason.

Enjolras: For JUSTICE!

Marius: Yeah sure whatever.

Grantaire: I'M DRUNK

Javert: [in disguise] yes hello my fellow students I am here for the rebelling against the government

Éponine: [also in disguise] hello I would also like to fight and also I am definitely a boy

The Students: Come on in!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Schönberg & Boublil: Also, we only had enough time to compose five or six musical themes for the whole show – so we just repeat them over and over and change the words each time.

[And now we're pretty much caught up. Onward with the plot!]

Enjolras: Okay, let's get started on building this barricade! Also, I'm gonna need a volunteer to scout the enemy position and see how many soldiers they're sending our way.

Javert: I WILL VOLUNTEER BECAUSE I AM A GODLESS REBEL WHO DESPISES THE NATURAL ORDER OF THE WORLD JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU

Enjolras: Seems legit.

[Javert leaves. The rest of the students start building their dumbass wall.]

The Students: We can't wait for the citizens of Paris to join us! It's gonna be the best revolution ever.

[Marius bumps into Éponine and immediately sees through her disguise.]

Marius: ÉPONINE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A GIRL

Éponine: Then why are you here? OHHH BURRRRN

Marius: Rude.

Éponine: Yeah, that was uncalled for. You know what would make you feel better? Some steamy makeouts.

Marius: Look, I just don't want you to get hurt.

Éponine: Awww, you care about my well-being!

Marius: Of course I do! If you get hurt or killed, I won't have anyone to deliver my love note to Cosette!

Éponine: Aaaaand you can go fuck yourself.

Marius: Pretty please? With a doomed rebellion on top?

Éponine: [sighing] Fiiiiine.

[He gives her the letter.]

Éponine: But just for the record, I still think you're –

Marius: thanks gotta go bye

Éponine: – an asshole.

[She takes the letter to the Rue Plumet, where she meets Valjean.]

Éponine: Excuse me, sir – is your daughter home?

Valjean: [suspiciously] Who wants to know?

Éponine: I have a letter for her from a hormonal, adolescent jackass.

Valjean: If you give it to me, I promise to give it directly to her and not read it first. 'Cause that would be a pretty dickish thing to do.

[Éponine gives him the letter, which he immediately opens and reads.]

The Bishop of Digne's Ghost: noooooo Valjean you're supposed to be gooooood

Valjean: Shut up. You don't know what it's like to have kids.

The Audience: Technically speaking, she's not your kid.

Valjean: I'm ignoring you all now. [reading] “Dearest Cosette,

I know this might come across as a bit forward, considering how we only met yesterday and all, but I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU SO I'M GONNA FIGHT AND DIE ON THE BARRICADES BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING

Melodramatically yours,

Marius”

… HOLY SHIT WHEN DID MY DAUGHTER MEET A BOY

[He runs back inside, leaving Éponine alone onstage.]

Éponine: ALL BY MYSEEEEELF

DON'T WANNA BE

ALL BY MYSEEEEELF

The Audience: We're probably starting to sound like a broken record, but you could always try telling Marius how you feel instead of waiting for him to figure it out.

Éponine: No, thanks; I'd rather construct an elaborate fantasy world in my head where the two of us are together and happy and have incredible sex ALL THE TIME

Éponine's Fangirls: MARIUS IS SUCH A JERK FOR NOT LOVING HER BACK

The Audience: No, he's a jerk for treating her like an errand girl instead of a real friend.

Éponine's Fangirls: BUT HE –

The Audience: Nnnnnope.

Éponine: I KNOW I'M LIVING IN A FICTIONAL WORLD BUT IT'S PREFERABLE TO REALITY BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH

Every Fandom Ever: … that hits uncomfortably close to home.

Éponine: I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

Victor Hugo: Hey, remember that time when you had everything you wanted, and then you were a spoiled little brat and a total bitch to Cosette?

Éponine: OH COME ON I WAS ONLY LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD

Victor Hugo: IRRELEVANT

[The scene changes back to the barricade, which is already complete.]

Enjolras: We're pretty lucky that Grantaire majored in engineering!

The Audience: That would explain why it looks so structurally unsound.

Enjolras: I have no idea what you mean.

Grantaire: [drinks]

The Students: WOOO WE'RE EXCITED TO KICK SOME ASS

Army Officer: [offstage] OKAY LISTEN UP YOU DUMBFUCKS YOU'RE SURROUNDED AND THERE'S NO ONE COMING TO HELP YOU BUT IF YOU SURRENDER RIGHT NOW WE PROMISE TO LET MOST OF YOU LIVE

Enjolras: He's lying! All of Paris will rally to our cause!

All of Paris: …

Enjolras: … after they've finished doing whatever it is they're doing now! Which I'm sure is extremely important!

All of Paris: [crickets chirping]

Enjolras: Whatever. If fiction has taught me anything, it's that the reinforcements will always arrive at the last possible moment.

The Students: YEAH WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER

[Javert climbs over the barricade.]

Javert: So, I've got good news and bad news.

Enjolras: What's the bad news?

Javert: They outnumber us by about thirty to one.

The Students: fuuuuuuck

Enjolras: And the good news?

Javert: They won't attack tonight because they're planning to starve us out – but when they do attack, they'll come from the right. I suggest that we concentrate our forces there and leave our left flank completely exposed.

Enjolras: Sounds like a plan!

Gavroche: [entering] HOLD UP YOU GUYS THAT'S TOTALLY INSPECTOR JAVERT

The Students: That's crazy talk. He's dressed like one of us!

[Enjolras takes off Javert's hat.]

The Students: HOLY CRAP IT'S JAVERT

Enjolras: Good work, Gavroche. How did you know it was him?

Gavroche: Um, maybe because I'm not blind and also an idiot? He walks around the streets of Paris all day, yelling at people to remember him.

Marius: Good point.

Gavroche: Seriously, I can't believe you guys didn't recognize him. He was gonna give you false information so you'd do something stupid and suicidal, like leaving your left flank entirely unprotected.

The Students: [glare at Enjolras]

Enjolras: … it sounded like a good idea at the time.

Javert: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling kid!

Gavroche: That'll teach you to underestimate the little people! We'll fight and we'll win!

The Audience: Sure you will.

Enjolras: Take the inspector into the tavern and tie him up. We're gonna have a trial!

The Students: That's stupid. Can't we just shoot him and get it over with?

Enjolras: No; that would be rude. Besides, it's not like he's gonna escape or anything.

Javert: I bet you pussies don't have the stones to shoot me.

Grantaire: WANNA BET

Javert: BRING IT YOU GODLESS SCUM

[Shots are fired offstage.]

Enjolras: You can have your pissing contest later. Just tie him up already.

[Javert is dragged away. Éponine stumbles onstage.]

Marius: ÉPONINE DID YOU DELIVER MY LETTER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO

Éponine: [bleeding profusely] … yeah, I delivered your stupid love letter. Glad I could be so useful.

Marius: Why'd you come back? It's dangerous here! You could get hurt!

Éponine: No shit.

[She collapses.]

Marius: Hey, is everything okay? [He touches her.] Wait... something feels wet. And a bit sticky.

Grantaire: [offstage] PHRASING

Marius: [noticing the blood on his hand] OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE

Grantaire: [offstage] THAT TOO

Marius: ÉPONINE YOU'RE WOUNDED

Éponine: Thanks for noticing, jackass.

[It starts raining because symbolism.]

Éponine: If it makes you feel better, I can't feel any pain.

Marius: Really?

Éponine: Fuck no; it hurts like a bitch. I was just trying to be nice.

Marius: Oh. Shit.

Éponine: It's okay, though, because you're here and I love you and that's all that matters.

Marius: Wow. Okay, uh... would it help you get better if I told you I loved you too?

Éponine: [coughing up blood] Probably not.

Marius: Fuck. I'm sorry.

Éponine: It's all right. I might not get to be with you, but at least I can die for you and maybe give you a chance of being with the person you love.

The Headless Ghost of Sydney Carton: I know that feel, bro.

Marius: Is there anything I can do?

Éponine: … just hold me until it's over.

[She dies. Marius kisses her.]

Enjolras: Well, that was fucking depressing.

Marius: Yuuuup.

The Students: WE WILL AVENGE HER DEATH

[Valjean enters in a soldier's uniform.]

Valjean: hello I would like one ticket to the revolution please

Joly: For fuck's sake. Their spies aren't even trying anymore.

Valjean: I'm not a spy!

Joly: Not a good one, at least. You're still dressed like a soldier, moron.

Valjean: I had to dress like a soldier, or I wouldn't have gotten through their lines!

Joly: … that actually kinda makes sense, but it could just be a trick. How are we supposed to know that you're not a soldier pretending to be a revolutionary dressed as a soldier?

Valjean: Because that would be needlessly complicated?

Joly: Also, you're old as fuck.

Valjean: I'm unnaturally strong. I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Joly: Yeah well I still don't trust you. We've already had one infiltrator today.

Valjean: Who?

Combeferre: Some cop named Javert.

Valjean: Oh, Christ. Not him again.

A Sentry: HEY THE SOLDIERS ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK

Enjolras: [to Valjean] Here, random stranger we have no reason to trust – take this gun!

Valjean: Thanks!

Enjolras: And know that if you betray us, we'll shoot your fucking face off.

Valjean: … duly noted.

[They all run to the barricade and ready their weapons.]

Enjolras: FIRE AT WILL

[A lot of gunfire happens.]

Feuilly: OH SHIT THERE'S A SNIPER

Valjean: EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN I GOT THIS

[Valjean shoots the sniper before the sniper can shoot Enjolras.]

Valjean: yeeeeeah headshot I pwned that fucking n00b

The Bishop of Digne's Ghost: And now you're killing people? Seriously?

Valjean: STOP NAGGING ME

Grantaire: They're retreating already! Did we win?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not yet. They're easily startled, but they'll soon be back – and in greater numbers.

Grantaire: … goddammit.

Enjolras: [to Valjean] Thanks for the save, bro.

Valjean: No problem. If it's not too much to ask, could you do me a favor?

Enjolras: Anything.

Valjean: Give me Javert. Let me take care of him.

Valjean/Javert Shippers: [squeal]

Valjean: … I don't mean it like that.

Enjolras: Sure! Despite the vague wording of your request and the fact that we don't know you at all, we'll let you have Javert. Hell, we trust you so much that none of us will even watch you to make sure that you're actually killing him and not doing something stupid, like secretly releasing him!

Valjean: I appreciate that.

[Valjean draws a knife and takes Javert aside as the students leave.]

Javert: You think I'm afraid of dying? Bring it. I will haunt your bitch ass from beyond the grave.

The Audience: You know, he probably actually would.

Javert: Go ahead, motherfucker. Try me.

Valjean: For once in your life, Javert, just shut the hell up.

[He cuts the ropes binding Javert's wrists.]

Javert: wait what

Valjean: Get out of here.

Javert: Is this some sort of trick?

Valjean: I'm letting you live. Now leave already.

Javert: THIS CHANGES NOTHING I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

Valjean: Yeah, whatever. If I survive this stupid revolution, you can find me at 55 Rue Plumet.

[Javert flees, and Valjean fires his pistol in the air.]

The Students: Yaaaay Javert's totally dead now and we're all so sure that we're not going to bother checking to see his body!

Enjolras: Courfeyrac, you take the first watch. They're definitely not going to attack again until the morning, but I want everyone to stay awake all night so we can be ready for them.

The Audience: Won't that just mean that everyone will be exhausted by the time the actual fighting starts?

Enjolras: Shut up. I mean it, guys. No one is allowed to go to sleep.

The Students: :(

Enjolras: Except you, Marius. You can sleep.

Marius: yaaaaaay

Feuilly: Since we have to stay up all night anyway, let's get our drink on!

The Students: WOOOO

The Audience: Yeah, because sleep deprivation and alcohol are the keys to success on the battlefield.

Joly: Let's drink to all the girls we've had sex with!

Grantaire: Let's drink to the fact that our lives and deaths mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things!

Everyone: LET'S DRINK BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISION WE CAN MAKE RIGHT NOW

Marius: I have nothing left to live for now that Cosette's leaving, but maybe she'll be sad when she hears about my agonizing death!

[Marius lies down and goes to sleep. Valjean sits and watches him sleep because he's creepy.]

Valjean: Dear God: I know we haven't always been on the best of terms, but if you could do me a favor and keep this little jackass alive through the coming carnage, that would be great. I really want him to bone my adopted daughter, even though I've done my best up until now to keep her isolated from the rest of humanity. I won't be around forever, and Cosette will need a man in her life to tell her what to do – and if it can't be me, it might as well be some guy she met on the street yesterday. Amen.

God: … you're weird, man.

Schönberg: Hey, can you also sing some unnecessarily high notes? Thanks.

[The rest of the night passes without incident. The sun rises.]

Enjolras: Well, the people of Paris haven't joined our glorious revolution. I guess we're pretty much fucked.

The Audience: Yuuuuuup.

Enjolras: But we'll fight anyway!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Enjolras: Since we're all going to die, though, anyone who has a family should leave while they still can.

Feuilly: Does anyone else reeeeeally need a drink right now?

Grantaire: Always.

The Students: Well, at least we'll die together! BROS FOR LIFE (AND ALSO DEATH)

[The battle begins anew, and somehow the students manage to push the soldiers back again.]

Enjolras: Feuilly, how are our supplies holding out?

Feuilly: Well, we have guns practically coming out of every orifice.

Enjolras: Awesome!

Feuilly: The only problem is that we don't have any bullets for most of them.

Enjolras: Fuck.

Marius: I can go loot the corpses of the soldiers in the street! I'm sure they've got lots of ammo on them!

Enjolras: I can't let you do that; it's too dangerous!

Marius: We're participating in an attempt to violently overthrow the government. Safety is clearly not our highest priority here.

Enjolras: Touché. But I still can't let you go; you're not expendable enough!

Valjean: What about me? I'm old and expendable!

Enjolras: Oh, please. I heard your song earlier; you're clearly the show's leading man.

Valjean: Dammit.

Gavroche: I'LL GO BECAUSE I'M SMALL AND QUICK AND THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT EVIL ENOUGH TO SHOOT AT A KID

[He scampers to the top of the barricade before anyone can stop him. To no one's surprise, he is immediately shot.]

Gavroche: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

The Students: NOOOOOO

Gavroche: You soldiers think you're so cool with your guns and stuff –

[He's shot again.]

Gavroche: – but you shouldn't underestimate little people like me –

[He's shot again.]

Gavroche: – because we'll keep fighting –

[He's shot again.]

Gavroche: – even when we're riddled with bullets –

[He's shot again.]

Gavroche: – because that's how we –

[He's shot again. This time he's dead for real.]

The Audience: Christ. He's like a miniature Sonny Corleone.

The Students: NOOOOOO POOR GAVROCHE

The Audience: Also, these soldiers are assholes. How can you guys shoot women and children?

A Sharpshooter: Easy – you just don't lead 'em so much.

Army Officer: [offstage] OKAY GUYS YOU SERIOUSLY CAN'T WIN SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SURRENDER AND SAVE US THE TROUBLE OF MURDERING YOU ALL ONE BY ONE

Enjolras: GO FUCK YOURSELVES

Grantaire: WE'LL FIGHT UNTIL WE DIE

[They fight. They die.]

The Audience: Don't say we didn't warn you.

[In the chaos, Marius is shot in the leg and passes out. Valjean picks up Marius and escapes into the sewers before the barricade is overrun. Enjolras dies at the top of the barricade, and his body slumps backward over the edge in the most dramatic way possible.]

The Audience: Enjolras – fabulous even in death.

[Javert enters and looks for Valjean's body, and is understandably pissed to see that it's not there. Realizing that Valjean must have escaped into the sewers, Javert hurries away to cut off his escape. The scene shifts down into the sewers, where Monsieur Thénardier is robbing corpses.]

Thénardier: OH HEY GUYS I BET YOU MISSED ME

The Audience: Like a hole in the head.

Thénardier: So apparently they're just dumping the dead bodies from the rebellion down here! I'm gonna make a fortune from all the stuff I'm stealing. Like this!

[He yanks a tooth out of a cadaver's mouth.]

Thénardier: Gold fillings!

The Audience: You're gross.

Thénardier: Hey, it's not like they're gonna miss any of it.

The Audience: It's less the stealing and more the “knee-deep in shit” part.

Thénardier: Oh, yeah. That part is pretty disgusting.

[Valjean stumbles in with Marius and falls over. Thénardier examines Marius.]

Thénardier: Aaaand I'm just gonna take this ring. It's tragic, what's going on up there, but that's all the more reason to find a silver lining in the situation. Or gold. Hell, even copper would do.

[He turns Valjean over and recognizes him.]

Thénardier: shiiiiiit this guy is nothing but trouble

[Thénardier exits. Valjean regains consciousness, picks up Marius again, and stumbles out of the sewers just in time to meet Javert.]

Valjean: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Javert: I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND YOU

Valjean: Yeah, you're the best detective ever. Now will you get out of my way? This boy has been shot and he needs medical attention.

The Audience: All the raw sewage that seeped into his open bullet wound probably didn't help matters, either.

Javert: I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO AGAIN

Valjean: YOU CAN ARREST ME LATER BUT THIS KID IS DYING AND HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG

The Audience: Well... he did participate in a violent rebellion.

Valjean: You're not helping.

Javert: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST

Valjean: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JAVERT HE'S GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T LET ME HELP HIM

Javert: Fiiiiiine. I'll let you go just this once, but then I'm going to start chasing you again.

[Valjean hurries away with Marius.]

Javert: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

The Audience: Rough day, huh.

Javert: That son of a bitch had every reason to kill me, but he chose to let me live because he knew it would fuck with my head.

The Audience: Or maybe he just didn't want to kill you in cold blood.

Javert: NO BECAUSE HE'S A CRIMINAL AND CRIMINALS ARE EVIL AND I AM THE LAW AND I CANNOT LET MYSELF OWE MY LIFE TO A CRIMINAL SO THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTION IS SUICIDE

The Audience: We think you might be overreacting a little bit.

Javert: Well, it's either that or admit that perhaps the world doesn't always work in black-and-white moral absolutes and that committing a single criminal act doesn't necessarily mean that a person is entirely evil.

The Audience: And the obvious choice is –

Javert: Suicide!

[He throws himself off of a bridge and into the Seine.]

The Audience: [facepalm]

[The scene changes. The women of Paris remember the fallen rebels:]

The Women: They were young and stupid and idealistic and now they're dead. Oh well.

[Marius, recovering from his wounds, is dealing with a severe case of survivor's guilt.]

Marius: You know, it really fucking sucks that all of my friends are dead now.

The Audience: Right?

Marius: I remember the dreams they used to dream and the songs they used to sing... in fact, I can hear them right now!

The Audience: That's probably not good.

Marius: OH GOD I CAN SEE THEM TOO

The Audience: Aaaaand now we're bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.

Marius: WHY AM I STILL ALIIIIIVE

[Cosette enters.]

Marius: Well, at least I get to make out with the woman of my dreams.

Cosette: You're healing so quickly! Soon you'll be able to walk without a cane!

Marius: That's cool and all, but I can't help but wonder who saved my life.

Cosette: Why would you waste time thinking about that when you can think about HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER

The Audience: oh god she's crazy

Cosette: WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER AND I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE OR GIVE YOU A MOMENT OF PRIVACY

Marius: … hooraaaaay …

[Valjean enters, but they're too busy making puppy-dog eyes at each other to notice.]

Cosette: Remember that night when you came to my house like a creepy stalker? It was so romantic!

Marius: I felt kinda bad for not knowing your name.

Cosette: I fell in love with you then and I still love you and I always will!

Marius: I love you tooooooooo

Both: WE'RE SO ADORABLE

Valjean: Christ, they're obnoxious.

The Audience: Seriously.

Valjean: Oh, well. Now that Cosette has a new man in her life, I can finally have some time to myself!

[Marius notices Valjean.]

Marius: Oh hey I forgot to mention that we want you to move in with us after we get married and spend all your time with both of us and we can be the HAPPIEST FAMILY EVER IN THE WORLD

Valjean: oh god no

[He takes Marius aside. Cosette leaves.]

Valjean: Listen, I have to tell you something. My name is Jean Valjean and I was arrested for stealing a loaf of bread almost forty years ago and I broke my parole and I've been on the run ever since and Cosette isn't really my daughter I just adopted her from a dead hooker and if anyone ever finds any of this out Cosette will be disgraced forever so I'm just going to leave you guys because you seem like you've got stuff figured out pretty well. Okay, champ?

Marius: Uh... what am I going to tell Cosette?

Valjean: Nothing. Just tell her I went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.

Marius: That's kinda harsh, man.

Valjean: Fine. Just say I've gone on a trip and I couldn't say goodbye to her in person because I was feeling too many feels.

Marius: Got it.

Valjean: And you promise you won't tell Cosette anything about my past?

Marius: I promise!

[The scene changes again, this time to Marius and Cosette's wedding reception.]

The Chorus: YAY FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND STUFF

[The band starts playing a waltz. M. and Mme. Thénardier enter, dressed all fancy.]

Some Announcer Guy: The Baron and Baroness de Thénard!

Thénardier: [addressing Marius] How do you do, good sir? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being introduced to you before.

Marius: Shut the fuck up, Thénardier; I know it's you.

Mme. Thénardier: I told you he wouldn't fall for it.

Marius: The only worthwhile member of your family was your daughter and now she's dead –

The Audience: No thanks to you.

Marius: – so I'd appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my wedding reception.

Thénardier: Before you throw us out, you might want to listen to what we have to say.

Mme. Thénardier: We have proof that your father-in-law is a criminal!

Thénardier: But we won't tell all your guests how he murdered a man and dumped his body in the sewer... as long as you pay us five hundred francs.

Marius: You're blackmailing me at my own wedding?

Mme. Thénardier: Yuuuup.

Thénardier: The day that the barricades fell, I saw Jean Valjean dragging a dead body through the sewers. I found this on the body!

[He shows Marius the stolen ring.]

Marius: THAT'S MINE YOU ASSHOLE

Thénardier: Wait, what?

Marius: HOLY CRAP JEAN VALJEAN WAS THE ONE WHO SAVED MY LIFE

[He throws some money at Thénardier and runs out with Cosette.]

Thénardier: Well, as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy this party!

Mme. Thénardier: You know what's funny?

Thénardier: What – the fact that we're still alive when most of the characters with any redeeming qualities are dead, or that we're something vaguely resembling rich again?

Mme. Thénardier: Both!

[They cackle with laughter.]

Thénardier: The moral of the story is that people with ideals and convictions will die horrible deaths, but human cockroaches like us will live long, full lives!

The Audience: We're pretty sure that's also the moral of Game of Thrones.

[Victor Hugo and George R. R. Martin high-five. The scene changes one last time – Valjean is alone and dying.]

Valjean: It sure sucks that I can't see my daughter get married, but I can't come out of my self-imposed exile because of reasons. Also, I'm pretty much ready to die now. Beam me up, Jesus!

[Fantine's ghost appears.]

Fantine's Ghost: Hey, thanks for raising my child and all that.

Valjean: No problem. Does this mean I get to go to heaven?

Fantine's Ghost: You sure do!

[Marius and Cosette rush in.]

Cosette: DAD HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME

Valjean: … pretty much.

Cosette: [to Marius] YOU SAID HE WAS ON VACATION IN SPAIN

Marius: He told me not to tell!

Valjean: I'm just happy to see you both again.

Marius: Soooo I just found out that you're the one who saved my life at the barricade. Why didn't you ever tell me?

Valjean: Mostly because I didn't want to emasculate you in front of my daughter. [coughs] By the way, I think I'm dying.

Cosette: DAAAAD YOU DON'T HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE UNTIL YOU AT LEAST GIVE US A WEDDING GIFT

Valjean: Well, fine. [handing her a diary] This is the story of how I'm actually a wanted criminal and your mom was a prostitute. Happy wedding day!

[He dies. Éponine's spirit appears and joins Fantine.]

Fantine's Ghost: Are you ready?

Valjean's Ghost: Yuuuuup.

Éponine's Ghost: TO INFINITY –

Fantine's Ghost: – AND BEYOOOOOOND

[Valjean is taken to heaven, where he meets the spirits of everyone who died over the course of the show. Well... everyone except Javert, because fuck that guy.]

All The Dead People: DO YOU HEAR OUR SPECTRES SING

SINGING BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH

ALL OF OUR LIVES WERE PRETTY AWFUL

UP UNTIL OUR DYING BREATHS

BUT WE'RE ALL IN HEAVEN NOW

AND THAT'S THE ENDING OF THE SHOW –

AFTER THE CURTAIN CALL JUST TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT AND GO

[End of the show.]