Madama Butterfly
An opera in three acts (Act II, Act III)
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
[Act I: A mountaintop overlooking the harbor of Nagasaki, some time around the turn of the twentieth century. There's a small, stereotypically Japanese house and some cherry blossom trees which are always in bloom because this is Japan and ritual suicide doesn't look nearly as dramatic unless there are fucking flower petals blowing all over the place.]
An opera in three acts (Act II, Act III)
Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa
[Act I: A mountaintop overlooking the harbor of Nagasaki, some time around the turn of the twentieth century. There's a small, stereotypically Japanese house and some cherry blossom trees which are always in bloom because this is Japan and ritual suicide doesn't look nearly as dramatic unless there are fucking flower petals blowing all over the place.]
The
Audience: Wait, what about ritual suicide?
Me: Oh. Whoops.
The Audience: Dude, not cool.
Throw up a spoiler alert next time or something.
Me: Yeah, it was clearly
a huge spoiler. OH NO SOMEONE DIES AT THE END OF AN OPERA
The Audience: Stop mocking us.
Me: Then pipe down and just
watch the goddamn show.
[Goro enters, followed by Lieutenant
B. F. Pinkerton of the United States Navy. Goro is your typical
Western caricature of a shifty Asian businessman, and is apparently a
real estate agent as well as a glorified pimp.]
The Audience: Yaaay for racial
sensitivity!
[Pinkerton, on the other hand, is a
handsome Aryan exemplar in an immaculate uniform. He's also a smug,
ethnocentric asshole.]
The Audience: Yaaay for positive
perceptions of Americans traveling abroad!
[Goro starts showing off the house.
Pinkerton is rather confused.]
Pinkerton: Wait, what the shit?
WHY ARE THE WALLS MADE OF PAPER
Goro: They're called shōji,
esteemed white devil.
Pinkerton: I don't give a shit
what you backward savages call them; I just want to know why I don't
have a real goddamn house. Where's the bedroom?
Goro: Wherever you want it to
be, according to the whims of your superior Western intellect!
Pinkerton: Yes, well. I suppose
it's rather charming – in a quaint, barbaric sort of way.
Goro: Oh yes, very charming. You
can move the walls around however you want!
Pinkerton: It looks like a
strong wind could blow it over. You don't have any wolves around
Nagasaki, do you? Possibly of the big and/or bad variety?
Goro: To his undying shame, your
humble servant has no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Pinkerton: It's a joke, Goro.
Goro: OH YES HA HA VERY GOOD SIR
Pinkerton: Shut up. Where are my
servants?
[Goro claps his hands. Three
servants in traditional Japanese garb shuffle out of the house and
bow to Pinkerton.]
Goro: This is the maid and this
is the cook and I have no idea what the third one is for. Also, only
one of them is remotely important in any way. Guess which one!
Suzuki: OH HI MISTER LIEUTENANT
PINKERTON SIR IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND IT WILL BE MY HONOR TO
SERVE YOU
Pinkerton: Let me guess... the
chatty one.
Goro: I am once again amazed by
your incredible Western powers of deduction.
Pinkerton: Yeah, whatever. So
where's my bride-to-be?
Goro: She is probably still
preparing herself. Geisha make-up takes a long time to put on.
Pinkerton: So who else is coming
to this ceremony?
Goro: The official from the
American consulate, the Imperial commissary, a registrar, your bride,
and her entire extended family – except her uncle, who has the
honor of being a respected Buddhist priest and will not be gracing us
with his presence because you are barbarian scum.
Pinkerton: Gee, thanks.
Goro: His words, not mine.
Sharpless: [offstage]
JESUS FUCK WHY IS THIS MOUNTAIN SO GODDAMN STEEP
Goro: And that must be the
consul.
[Sharpless enters, looking like he's
about die.]
Sharpless: Holy fucking shit,
man. You need to install, like... an escalator or a ski lift or
something. Jesus.
Pinkerton: [attempting to
shake hands] Nice to meet you! I'm Lieutenant –
[Sharpless vomits everywhere.]
Pinkerton: – wow. Okay. I'm
just gonna give you a minute.
Sharpless: fuuuuuuuuck
Pinkerton: [clearing his
throat awkwardly] Soooo isn't the view great from up here?
Sharpless: I hate you and I hate
this goddamn mountain.
Pinkerton: And I got such a
great deal on this awesome house!
Sharpless: [wiping off his
mouth] Fascinating.
Pinkerton: The contract is
actually for nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years, but I'm allowed to
cancel it whenever I want! Pretty
cool, huh?
Sharpless: You bought a house
and a wife? Why the fuck can't you just go to a brothel like
every other sailor ever?
Pinkerton: BECAUSE I'M AN
AMERICAN AND WE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT
The Audience: Wow. Not a lot has
changed in the past hundred years.
Sharpless: Also, you're a moron.
[Goro brings out a tray with booze
and glasses.]
Pinkerton: Want something to
wash the taste of vomit out of your mouth?
Sharpless: I thought you'd never
ask.
Pinkerton: Let's see... you can
either have whiskey or milk-punch.
The Audience: What in the flying
fuck is milk-punch?
Pinkerton: It's whole milk mixed
with Kool-Aid and left out to ferment in the sun!
[Sharpless vomits again.]
Pinkerton: Fuck, man. Get
it together.
Sharpless: ... yeah, I'll take a
whiskey.
[Pinkerton pours him a glass and
keeps rambling.]
Pinkerton: Soooo like I was
saying – Americans are fucking awesome and we fuck all the hot
bitches in all the other countries BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL
MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOO
Sharpless: You should probably
get yourself checked for herpes.
Pinkerton: I GOT HOES IN
DIFFERENT AREA COOOODES
Sharpless: Or syphilis. Syphilis
would also be a problem.
Pinkerton: Soooo long story
short, I'm marrying some Japanese hooker but I'm not going to take it
even remotely seriously, because what's the worst that could happen?
The Audience: [facepalm]
Sharpless: Once again: moron.
[Pinkerton raises his glass for a
toast.]
Pinkerton: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH
Sharpless: [sighing] ...
fuck yeah. So is your hooker-wife hot?
Goro: SHE'S SUPER HOT AND ALSO
REALLY CHEAP AND I HAVE MORE IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
Pinkerton: FUCK OFF HE WASN'T
TALKING TO YOU
[Goro scurries offstage.]
Sharpless: So are you actually
in love with this girl?
Pinkerton: Well, I definitely
love parts of her.
Sharpless: You know what I mean.
Pinkerton: Wellllll I don't know
if it's really love or just good old-fashioned lust, but every time I
see her I want to tear off her clothes and bend her over a table and
just start going to TOWN.
Sharpless: Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's lust.
Pinkerton: I'm comfortable with
that. I mean, come on – she's just a glorified prostitute, right?
Last time I checked – and believe me, I have – whores
don't really believe in true love.
Sharpless: Actually, she came by
the consulate yesterday to fill out some marriage paperwork and I
heard her talking about you and I could tell from the sound of her
voice that she's completely and totally in love with you.
Pinkerton: I think I'm gonna
call bullshit on that.
The Audience: Yeah, us too. He
knows she's in love because he heard her talking?
Puccini: That's totally a thing
that real people do in real life!
The Audience: What if that's
just what her voice sounds like?
Puccini: SHUT UP SHE'S MADLY IN
LOVE WITH HIM JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT
Sharpless: Long story short, you
should probably try to not be a dick and break her heart,
because she might do something drastic.
Puccini: Hint hint.
The Audience: Piss off.
Pinkerton: Whatever. You're just
jealous because you're super old and not getting any hot Asian ass.
Sharpless: I'm serious. There
could be dire consequences.
Pinkerton: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR
YOU
Sharpless: Now you're just being
childish.
Pinkerton: Just shut up and have
another drink.
Sharpless: Don't mind if I do!
[Pinkerton pours more whiskey in
both glasses.]
Sharpless: Let's toast to your
family back home!
Pinkerton: Nah, I think I'm
gonna toast to the day when I have an actual marriage to an
actual American wife instead of some yellow savage!
Sharpless: [facepalm]
The Audience: This isn't going
to end well, is it.
Puccini: Nnnnnnope.
[Goro rushes back in.]
Goro: HEY EVERYONE THE GEISHAS
ARE HERE
Pinkerton: I will never get
tired of hearing that sentence.
The Geishas: [offstage]
Woooow it's so pretty up heeeeere
Butterfly: [also offstage]
Yaaaaay I'm super excited to marry this studly American guuuuuy
The Geishas: [still offstage]
BEING IN LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL
Butterfly: [also still
offstage] WE'RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER
Pinkerton: ... for about a week.
And then I'm outta here! WOOO AMERICA
[Pinkerton attempts to give
Sharpless a high five.]
Sharpless: You're a douche.
[Butterfly – also known as
Cio-Cio-San – enters, accompanied by a gaggle of geishas. They all
bow to Pinkerton.]
Pinkerton: Did you guys have a
hard time getting up the mountain?
Sharpless: grumble grumble
Butterfly: Nah, mostly I just
can't wait to have you ravish me.
Pinkerton: [to Sharpless]
I take back everything I said. I think she's my soul mate.
Sharpless: Shut up. [to
Butterfly] Soooo are you from around here?
Butterfly: Yeah, my family was
pretty important in Nagasaki until we weren't anymore and then I had
to become a geisha to pay the bills. But that's how the world works,
I guess. How do you say it in English... "Shit happens?"
Pinkerton: [to Sharpless]
God, I love that she's so young and still sounds like a little kid.
Not gonna lie, it gets me really hot.
The Audience: Gross. Is this
about to turn into an episode of To Catch a Predator?
Sharpless: Ahem. And would you
happen to have any sisters? You know, who might be single and/or also geishas?
Butterfly: No, but my mom's
single... ?
Sharpless: Not really what I had
in mind. Where's your dad?
Butterfly: Dead.
The Orchestra: Ominous music!
[Butterfly and the geishas hide
their faces behind their fans.]
Pinkerton: Way to make things
awkward, asshole.
Sharpless: Shut up, Humbert
Humbert. [to Butterfly] So, wait. How old are you,
anyway?
Butterfly: Guess!
Sharpless: Um... ten?
Pinkerton: I wish.
The Audience: Ew.
Butterfly: Nope! Go higher.
Sharpless: Twenty?
The Audience: ... you're the
worst age-guesser ever.
Butterfly: Too high! I'm
actually fifteen. I'm so old!
[The geishas all giggle in a
stereotypically Japanese fashion.]
Sharpless: [to Pinkerton]
... a fifteen-year-old?
Really?
Pinkerton: I know! Awesome,
right?
Sharpless: You're the worst
human being I've ever met.
Goro: OH HEY THE GUESTS ARE
ARRIVING
[The Imperial commissary and the
registrar enter, followed by Butterfly's entire extended family.]
The Relatives: OH GROSS THAT
FOREIGN DEVIL HAS YELLOW HAIR HE LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN GOLDEN LION
TAMARIN
Butterfly's Mother: Oh baby, I'm
so happy for you!
Butterfly: Because I'm marrying
the man of my dreams?
Butterfly's Mother: Mostly
because he's rich. But yeah, sure.
The Relatives: WE HOPE THEY'LL
GET DIVORCED BUT MEANWHILE WE'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS KICKASS PARTY
The Audience: ... yeah, we've
been to weddings like that.
Goro: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP
ALREADY
Sharpless: Soooo I guess your
child bride is pretty hot after all. Props, bro.
[He and Pinkerton fist-bump.]
Sharpless: But really, try not
to be a dick. Remember: dire consequences.
Puccini: SPOILER ALERT HE'S
GONNA BE A DICK
The Audience: Yeah, we figured.
Butterfly: EVERYONE BOW TO MY
BELOVED
Everyone: ... 'kay.
[Everyone bows to Pinkerton.]
The Audience: Sooooo basically
we have a stage full of Asians and they're all bowing to a single
white man. Huh.
Me: That sound you hear is the
ghost of Rudyard Kipling having a spontaneous orgasm.
Kipling's Ghost: I mean... I'd
have preferred a bunch of sepoys, but I'll take what I can get.
[The crowd disperses into the garden
and Pinkerton takes Butterfly to look at the house.]
Pinkerton: Do you like the
love-shack that I bought for us?
Butterfly: It's very nice.
Pinkerton: Nothing too fancy,
just a little place where we can –
Butterfly: [rummaging in her
sleeves] Hold that thought.
Pinkerton: – get together.
What's going on?
Butterfly: Oh, nothing. I just
crammed a bunch of stuff up my sleeve earlier and now I'm trying to
get it out.
Pinkerton: Stuff like what?
Butterfly: The usual.
Handkerchiefs, makeup, nipple clamps –
Pinkerton: Wait, what?
Butterfly: – a couple combs,
my hair dryer, and a big fucking knife.
Pinkerton: Jesus. First of all,
how did that all fit in there? And second, why the shit are you
carrying a knife like that?
Butterfly: I don't want to talk
about it.
The Orchestra: Ominous music!
Goro: [whispering to
Pinkerton] It's the knife that her father used to commit ritual
suicide. She always keeps it around.
Chekhov: And THAT'S how you
introduce an important object.
[Chekhov and Puccini fist-bump.]
The Audience: Could you take
your bromance elsewhere? We're trying to watch the opera.
Puccini: Sorry.
[Butterfly also takes some small
statues out of her sleeves.]
Pinkerton: Jesus, there's more?
What the hell are these?
Butterfly: They represent the
spirits of my ancestors, so don't be a jerk.
Pinkerton: Oh. Sorry.
Butterfly: And just to let you
know, I converted to Christianity the other day because I love you SO
MUCH but don't tell my family because they'd be super pissed at me
for abandoning the traditions of my family and culture.
The Audience: Uh oh.
[Everyone files back in for the
ceremony.]
Goro: EVERYONE BE QUIET
The Imperial Commissary: Do you,
Benjamin Franklin Pinkerton, take this geisha to be your lawfully
wedded wife until you get bored and abandon her?
Pinkerton: I do!
The Imperial Commissary: And do
you, Butterfly, take this American asshole to be your husband to whom
you will be devoted until death, even when it's clear he doesn't give
a shit about you anymore?
Butterfly: I do!
[They both sign the marriage
contract.]
Pinkerton: WOOOO
The Geishas: Ohmigaaawwwd now
you're like... Mrs. Butterfly!
Butterfly: Mrs. Pinkerton,
bitches.
[The commissary and the registrar
congratulate Pinkerton and leave.]
Sharpless: [shaking
Pinkerton's hand] Just remember – don't be an asshole.
[Sharpless leaves.]
Pinkerton: Soooo now it's just
me and the new in-laws. LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON
The Relatives: Actually, we're
just going to pray that Butterfly realizes her mistake and dumps your
obnoxious ass.
Pinkerton: Tough crowd.
The Bonze: [offstage]
WHERE THE FUCK IS CIO-CIO-SAN
The Relatives: OH
SHIT IT'S BUTTERFLY'S UNCLE
[The Bonze
enters in a rage.]
The Bonze:
CIO-CIO-SAN I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT YOU CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
The Relatives:
OH SHIT THAT AIN'T COOL
The Bonze:
YOU'RE FORSAKING YOUR ANCESTORS
AND YOUR HERITAGE FOR SOME FUCKING CRACKER
The Relatives:
ALSO NOT COOL
The Bonze:
THEREFORE WE WILL NOW DISOWN
YOU
The Relatives:
WHAT HE SAID
Pinkerton: HOW
DARE YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY TEMPORARY WIFE GET THE FUCK OFF MY
MOUNTAIN
[The Bonze and
all of Butterfly's relatives leave, shouting insults. Butterfly
starts crying.]
Pinkerton: Don't
cry, sweetheart. They're just dicks.
Butterfly:
Thanks! I love you so much that
I hardly even care that everyone I ever loved before has just
abandoned me!
Suzuki:
[from the house]
SOMETHING SOMETHING
JAPANESE CREATOR GODS
Pinkerton: What
the hell is that?
Butterfly: Oh,
that's just Suzuki praying to her barbaric pagan gods.
Pinkerton:
Oh. Sooooo it's getting dark and we're all alone up here... wanna
fuck?
Butterfly: I
love that you're so romantic!
Pinkerton: You
know it, baby.
Butterfly: I
just have to change into my night-clothes and sing for another twenty
minutes, and then
we can consummate our marriage.
Pinkerton:
But I'm horny noooowwww
[Butterfly goes
inside, where Suzuki helps her change into another obi. Pinkerton
checks his watch.]
Butterfly: Sooo
now I'm wearing white because it's the color of bridal purity and
stuff!
Pinkerton: If
I wanted to talk about clothes, I would have gone to some fashion
boutique instead of literally
buying you to be my
wife.
Butterfly: I'm
so happy my family has disowned me, because now I belong to you
completely!
The Audience:
Oh, honey. Look at your life;
look at your choices.
Pinkerton: Yeah,
yeah, you belong to me and all that happy horseshit. Can we bone yet?
Butterfly: I
look just like the goddess of the moooooooooon
Pinkerton:
All this waiting isn't making Pinkerton Junior any happier.
Butterfly:
SOMETHING SOMETHING SYMBOLISM
Pinkerton:
SOMETHING SOMETHING TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES
Butterfly:
You're so handsome and manly
and I'd really like it if you'd love me like a little child!
Pinkerton: Heh.
No problem there, baby.
The Audience:
AHHH WHY ARE YOU SO GROSS
Pinkerton:
You're so pretty and graceful;
the name “Butterfly” suits you very well.
Butterfly: I've
heard that in America, people catch butterflies and stick pins in
them and mount them on walls.
Pinkerton:
[unzipping his pants] Funny
you should mention that...
Puccini:
THAT WAS A PHALLIC REFERENCE
The Audience:
YES WE GOT IT THANK YOU
Pinkerton:
Anyway, the reason we do that
to butterflies is so they can't run away. And now that I've caught
you, you won't be able to run from me either.
The Audience:
You just keep getting creepier
and creepier.
Pinkerton: So,
once again – we're alone under the stars and no one else is around;
let's have some crazy sex.
Butterfly:
You'll have to wait a little
longer; I'm not done singing about how pretty the sky is yet!
Pinkerton: OH
FOR FUCK'S SAKE
