Tosca, Act I

Tosca
A series of unfortunate events in three acts

Music: Giacomo Puccini
Libretto: Luigi Illica and Giuseppe Giacosa

[Act I: Due to certain important historical events that take place during the story, this opera has a very specific setting (Rome, a couple days after June 14th, 1800) – but if you think that detail stops people from attempting to update the opera, you're wrong.]

Everyone Ever: That's... really weird.

Administrators of the Bregenzer Festspiele: YEAH WELL WE WERE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE SO SUCK IT 

[The curtain opens on the interior of Sant'Andrea del Valle, a church in Rome. On one side of the stage, a large painter's scaffold stands beneath a covered painting; on the other, there is a locked gate leading into the Attavanti chapel. There's also a statue of the Virgin Mary near the chapel entrance, which you wouldn't think would be a plot point but it kinda is. Enter Angelotti, a political dissident who has just escaped from prison.]

Angelotti: Thank god I'm finally here! I was afraid that everyone I passed on the street was an undercover cop.

Javert: [offstage] I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

Puccini: Wrong country, decade, and art form. Get out.

[Angelotti runs over to the statue of Mary, examining it closely and mumbling to himself like the type of crazy vagrant he so strongly resembles.]

Angelotti: Oh, come on. My sister said it would be right over here – ah!

[He discovers a key hidden near the statue, which he promptly uses to open the chapel gate. He retreats inside just as the sacristan enters, carrying a bunch of paintbrushes.]

Sacristan: grumble grumble stupid artists and their stupid paints getting all over my robes –

[He looks around.]

Sacristan: Signor Cavaradossi? ... Huh. I could have sworn I heard him in here.

[One of the church bells chimes the Angelus, and the sacristan kneels to pray.]

Sacristan: And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary, and he was all like, "Hey girl haaaaay you're holy and you're going to bear the son of God," and she was all like, "That sounds pretty cool." And thus the Word of God was made flesh and came to dwell among us. Amen.

[Enter Mario Cavaradossi, painter and tenor extraordinaire.]

Cavaradossi: The fuck are you doing?

Sacristan: I'm praying the Angelus, you miserable heathen. 

[Cavaradossi climbs the scaffold and removes the cover from his painting. It's a foxy blonde woman.]

Sacristan: Wait, who is that?

Cavaradossi: It's Mary Magdalene.

Sacristan: Well, it looks suspiciously like the woman who's been praying near the statue of the Madonna every day for the past week.

Cavaradossi: Yeah... she was pretty hot, so I painted her while she wasn't paying attention.

Sacristan: That's kinda sketchy.

Cavaradossi: Just shut up and give me my paints.

Sacristan: grumble grumble godless pervert

[Cavaradossi resumes painting for about a minute before stopping to take out a picture of his girlfriend and stare at it lovingly.]

The Audience: Is he getting paid by the hour?

Sacristan: He wishes.

Cavaradossi: It's funny how people can look so different from each other! My girlfriend, the famous singer Floria Tosca –

The Audience: Name-dropper.

Cavaradossi: – has dark hair, but the woman I've been painting has blonde hair!

The Audience: Yeah, people can have different hair colors. You're not just noticing this now, are you? 

Cavaradossi: But that's not all! The woman in the painting has blue eyes, but Tosca's eyes are black!

The Audience: ... wait, her eyes are black?

Cavaradossi: Blacker than obsidian. Blacker than the nearly palpable darkness of a sealed tomb miles beneath the surface of the earth, in which slumbers an ancient, unspeakable horror. To gaze into her eyes is to taste madness. It is to be drawn into a twilit realm of gnawing fear and waking nightmare, from which there is no hope of escape.

The Audience: ...

Cavaradossi: ...

The Audience: ...

Cavaradossi: And she's got tits like you wouldn't fucking believe.

The Audience: Of course she does.

Cavaradossi: And even though I'm painting this random woman on a church wall without her knowledge or consent –

The Audience: – which, we have to admit, is pretty creepy –

Cavaradossi: – I'm still only thinking of Tosca because we're SO IN LOVE

The Audience: D'awwww.

Sacristan: THE ONLY WOMAN DESERVING OF SUCH SINGLE-MINDED ADORATION IS THE VIRGIN MARY BECAUSE SHE BECAME A MOTHER (which is, of course, a woman's highest calling) WITHOUT EVER DEBASING HERSELF BY ENGAGING IN THE SEX

The Audience: You're a bit of an extremist, aren't you.

Sacristan: No, that's more or less the church's official position.

Cavaradossi: And that's why I'm an agnostic! Among other reasons.

Sacristan: Shut it. Since you're clearly too busy thinking lustful thoughts to do your damn job, can I leave?

Cavaradossi: Please do.

[As the sacristan is leaving, he notices Cavaradossi's basket of food on the scaffold.]

Sacristan: Are you fasting or something?

Cavaradossi: I'm just not hungry.

Sacristan: Pity. Your flesh could use a little mortification.

Cavaradossi: JUST GO ALREADY

Sacristan: Fine. Lock up when you leave.

[He exits. Cavaradossi resumes painting. Angelotti, assuming that the church is empty again, emerges from the chapel. Cavaradossi hears the gate creak and looks up.]

Cavaradossi: WHO'S THERE

[Angelotti looks terrified for a moment, but then he recognizes Cavaradossi.]

Angelotti: Thank god it's you! You have to help me!

Cavaradossi: Sorry, man; I don't have any spare change.

Angelotti: I'M NOT A HOBO YOU ASSHOLE

Cavaradossi: [recognizing him] ... Angelotti? Weren't you in prison?

Angelotti: Yeah, I just broke out of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Can you help me out?

Cavaradossi: Sure, I –

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO

Cavaradossi: Fuuuck. It's my crazy-jealous girlfriend. [to Angelotti] You'd better hide again.

The Audience: Crazy-jealous, huh. Weren't you babbling about how much you loved her two minutes ago?

Puccini: This is opera. Insane jealousy is love.

[Somewhere in a drafty Parisian attic, Mimi and Rodolfo high-five.]

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Cavaradossi: [calling back] Right here, darling! [to Angelotti] Seriously, man, you need to get back in that chapel.

Angelotti: BUT I'M HUNGRYYYYY

Cavaradossi: [handing him the basket of food] Here. Now shut up and go.

[Angelotti retreats into the chapel as Cavaradossi goes to let Tosca in.] 

Tosca: [offstage] MARIO LUIGI CAVARADOSSI IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THIS INSTANT –

Cavaradossi: [opening the door] Hello to you too, darling.

Tosca: Why was the door locked and WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO JUST NOW AND IS SHE PRETTIER AND/OR YOUNGER THAN I AM

Cavaradossi: The sacristan wanted it shut, I was talking to you, and you need to calm down because there's no one else here.

Tosca: NUH-UH I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE SO WHERE IS SHE

Cavaradossi: There's no other woman. Calm down.

Tosca: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG

Cavaradossi: That is exactly what I'm saying. And also that I love you.

The Audience: For some reason.

[Cavaradossi attempts to give Tosca sloppy makeouts, but she pushes him away.]

Tosca: Not in front of the statue of Mary! I can feel her ever-watching eyes silently judging us!

Cavaradossi: Yeah, I've never really been a fan of T. J. Eckleburg's sculptures. There's always something weird and off-putting about them.

Tosca: Hush, darling. I have to pray!

[She kneels in front of the statue of Mary and arranges some flowers around the base.]

The Audience: That's not prayer; that's botany.

Tosca: YOU SHUT UP I'M THE BEST CATHOLIC EVER [to Cavaradossi] Sooo I'm singing in a concert tonight, but if you meet me backstage after I'm done, we can go to your villa and have passionate pre-marital sex!

The Audience: Yup. Best Catholic ever.

Tosca: I'M PIOUS AS SHIT SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF

Cavaradossi: Sorry, what were you saying about tonight? 

Tosca: We're gonna go to your flowery little love-nest and bone in the light of the full moon!

Cavaradossi: [distracted] Yeah, sure. That sounds fine.

Tosca: I'm overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.

Cavaradossi: No, really. I'm excited and aroused and stuff.

Tosca: It's been so long since we enjoyed each other carnally in the sweet embrace of nature, with the moon and the stars and all sorts of nocturnal creatures watching us in the throes of passion and OH GOD I NEED IT SO BAD

Cavaradossi: ... did it just get really hot in here?

Tosca: I'm just sayin' – Tosca's got a fire in her loins that needs you to quench it.

The Audience: And Tosca apparently likes referring to herself in the third person.

Cavaradossi: Are you sure we can't just have a quickie here in the church?

Tosca: Of course not. That would be sinful.

The Audience: You really pick and choose with the sin stuff, don't you.

Cavaradossi: Well, fine. If we're not gonna bone yet, I need you to leave so I can get some work done.

Tosca: Are you seriously kicking me out of church?

Cavaradossi: I really need to finish this painting. The sacristan has been a passive-aggressive bitch to me all day.

Tosca: Fine, I'll go. But can I see your painting first?

Cavaradossi: Sure!

The Audience: ... this isn't going to go well, is it.

Tosca: [looking at the painting] WHO IS THAT AND WHY IS SHE SO BEAUTIFUL

Cavaradossi: It's supposed to be Mary Magdalene.

Tosca: NO SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR SOMEHOW

Cavaradossi: Just one of those faces, I guess.

Tosca: HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MARCHESA ATTAVANTI

Cavaradossi: Well, technically...

Tosca: I KNEW YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE JUST NOW YOU RAT BASTARD TELL ME WHERE SHE'S HIDING

Cavaradossi: Whoa, girl; calm your exceptionally nice tits. She was here to pray and I painted her. That's all.

Tosca: ... you promise?

Cavaradossi: I promise.

Tosca: [whining] But now she's staring at meeeee and I don't like iiiiiiit

Cavaradossi: You are literally the craziest person I have ever met.

Tosca: But her eyes –

Cavaradossi: – are nowhere near as beautiful as yours. [mesmerized] Your black, shining eyes... filled with all the secrets of the nether-world... one could almost get lost in them forever...

The Audience: Jesus Christ, someone get the holy water.

Tosca: [hugging Cavaradossi] Aww, you say the sweetest things sometimes.

Cavaradossi: [waking from his trance] What? I didn't say anything.

Tosca: Okay, I guess I'll leave now. But can you do me a favor and paint her eyes black, like mine?

Cavaradossi: You're crazy and jealous and apparently feel the need to interfere with my work, but I love you!

The Audience: That doesn't really answer her question.

Tosca: You would forgive me for my jealousy if you knew how it tormented me inside! Sometimes I get so upset that I black out and wake up hours later in a field – naked, covered in blood, and surrounded by eviscerated livestock!

Cavaradossi: That might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.

The Audience: Holy water. HOLY WATER.

Tosca: But it only happens because I just LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Cavaradossi: I LOVE YOU TOO

[They embrace.]

Tosca: GODDAMMIT MARIO YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR

Cavaradossi: Sorry. Can I finish painting now?

Tosca: Of course – just promise me that no women of any hair color whatsoever will come and pray here!

Cavaradossi: That's not something I really have much control over, but... sure?

Tosca: Good. See you tonight!

[She starts to go.]

Tosca: Oh, and don't forget to paint her eyes black!

Cavaradossi: YES THANK YOU PLEASE LEAVE NOW

[They give each other a quick kiss and Tosca finally leaves. Once she's gone, Cavaradossi hurries over to the chapel and lets Angelotti out again.]

Cavaradossi: Sorry about that.

Angelotti: She seems a bit... clingy.

Cavaradossi: You've got no idea. And she tells her priest literally everything in confession, so I thought it would be best to leave her in the dark about this.

Angelotti: Yeah, keeping secrets from your jealous and easily-angered girlfriend seems like the most logical course of action here.

Cavaradossi: Shut up. So what's your plan?

Angelotti: Well, I either need to hide somewhere or to get out of Rome. My sister, the Marchesa Attavanti, left some women's clothes in the chapel so I could disguise myself.

Cavaradossi: Oh, so that's why she's been coming here so often.

Angelotti: Yuuup. She took a pretty big risk, helping me escape from Scarpia and all that.

Cavaradossi: Scarpia! That asshole of a baron who likes to torture men and seduce women!

The Audience: He's gonna be a baritone, isn't he.

Puccini: How'd you guess?

Cavaradossi: But seriously, you can't stay here until nighttime. There's a path behind the rectory that leads through some fields and straight to my villa – you can hide there. [handing Angelotti a key] This will get you inside, and I'll be there as soon as I can. If there's any trouble, you can hide in the well – there's a secret room about halfway down.

Angelotti: Awesome. [fetching the dress from the chapel] Should I wear this?

Cavaradossi: No need. The path is usually deserted at this time of day.

Angelotti: Aww, but I wanted to be pretty!

Cavaradossi: Fiiiiine, you can play dress-up. But make it quick, okay? It probably won't be long before they discover that –

[A cannon sounds in the distance.]

Cavaradossi: – you've escaped. Fuuuuuck.

Angelotti: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the cannon at the prison.

Cavaradossi: Okay, we need to get you out of here before Scarpia and his henchmen show up. I'll come along, just in case you run into any trouble!

[They rush out. The sacristan enters.]

Sacristan: HEY MISTER PAINTER I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS

[He looks around and sees that he's alone.]

Sacristan: Oh, for the love of – he's gone again? That painting's never gonna get finished. [sighing] And I wish I could see his face when he hears the news! After all, anyone who ruins a heathen's day is granted an indulgence!

The Audience: Shouldn't you treat him with respect and love? You know, like Jesus would?

Sacristan: That sounds like filthy Protestant talk to me.

[Various priests, altar boys, and children's choir members enter in a hurry.]

The Chorus: WHAT'S GOING ON

Sacristan: Wonderful news! Napoleon has just been defeated by the Austrian army!

The Chorus: WOW REALLY TELL US MORE

Sacristan: When they write about this war in history books, the Battle of Marengo will forever be remembered as the final defeat of that uppity Corsican scumbag!

Historians in the Audience: [snicker] 

The Chorus: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS

Sacristan: General Melas sent a messenger along with news of the battle! I mean, the battle wasn't technically over yet, but he was completely sure that the French army wouldn't possibly be able to turn their crushing defeat into a surprise victory!

Historians in the Audience: [guffaw]

Sacristan: And in celebration of this joyous occasion, we're going to be doing a full Te deum mass that starts in ten minutes, followed by a gala celebration at Palazzo Farnese and the premiere of a new cantata – presumably written in the past thirty minutes – starring Floria Tosca!

The Chorus: ooooooooh 

Sacristan: Now go get ready for the mass!

The Chorus: LOL NO IT'S PARTY TIME

[And then the children run around screaming about how excited they are.]

The Audience: This is an entirely accurate depiction of how children behave in large groups. 

Puccini: Thanks!

The Audience: That wasn't a compliment.

[The craziness continues until Scarpia enters, followed by several flunkies. Let's do a roll call!]

Spoletta: I'm Spoletta, Scarpia's right-hand man!

Sciarrone: And I'm Sciarrone, Scarpia's left-hand man!

Javert: AND I'M JAVERT – DO NOT FORGET MY NAME

Spoletta and Sciarrone: STOP FOLLOWING US

The Chorus: WOOOO WE'RE SO EXCITED AND STUFF

Scarpia: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS A CHURCH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[Everyone cowers.]

Sacristan: Um... sorry. We're just really excited about the great news and stuff...

Scarpia: Everyone get out. Start preparing for the mass.

[The chorus departs quickly, and the sacristan prepares to leave as well.]

Scarpia: Except you.

Sacristan: [whimpers]

Scarpia: [to Spoletta] Search every corner. There has to be evidence somewhere.

Spoletta: Yes, sir!

Scarpia: [to Sciarrone and the others] Keep watch at the doors, but don't make it too obvious.

Sciarrone and the others: Yes, sir!

Scarpia: [to the sacristan] And you're going to answer my questions – but I want you to know in advance that this is a matter of national security. I will literally feed you your own entrails if you lie to me.

Sacristan: ... yes, sir.

Scarpia: A prisoner just escaped from the Castel Sant'Angelo, and we have reason to believe he hid here. Where is the Attavanti chapel?

Sacristan: [pointing] Over there! And the gate's open!

[They go inside. Scarpia returns, holding a fan.]

Scarpia: I'll have to find the jackass who fired off that cannon and torture him to death. Angelotti was here, but he must have known we were coming and run away. He must have had some help... but from whom?

[He paces, tapping the fan against his hand.]

Sacristan: Maybe from whoever left that fan in the chapel... ?

Scarpia: Oh, don't be ridiculous. This clearly belonged to Angelotti.

Sacristan: But... that's a lady's fan.

Scarpia: His predilection for dressing in women's clothing is widely known – and it's at least half the reason we arrested him in the first place.

Sacristan: It looks like there's a family crest on it.

Scarpia: [looking closer] HOLY CRAP THERE IS

The Audience: The world's greatest detective. Move over, Batman.

Scarpia: This belongs to the Marchesa Attavanti! [noticing the painting] And there she is! Thank god no one painted her eyes black, or I wouldn't have recognized her! [to the sacristan] Who painted that portrait?

Sacristan: Mario Cavaradossi.

Scarpia: Tosca's boyfriend? This might be an excellent opportunity to blackmail her into sleeping with me.

[One of the policemen comes out of the chapel, carrying Cavaradossi's empty food basket.]

Sacristan: The basket! It's empty!

Scarpia: So?

Sacristan: There was food in it for Cavaradossi, but it was full the last time I saw him!

Scarpia: Yeah, the funny thing about food is that it tends to disappear when people eat it.

Sacristan: But he said he wasn't hungry – and he didn't have a key to the chapel, either!

Scarpia: Well, I guess I'll just have to arrest this guy and bang his girlfriend. Work, work, work.

[Tosca enters.]

Scarpia: Speak of the devil! [stepping out of sight] I guess it's time to start Operation Manipulate a Jealous Girlfriend Into Helping Me Arrest Her Lover!

Tosca: MARIO WHERE ARE YOU

Sacristan: Who the hell knows? He just vanished, probably with the help of some heathen black magic.

Tosca: What? You're crazy.

[The sacristan exits. Scarpia steps out of his hiding place, dips his hand into the holy water basin, and offers some to Tosca.]

Scarpia: Care to bless yourself, my lady?

Tosca: Thank you! That's not remotely sketchy behavior at all!

Scarpia: It's nice to see someone like you coming to church with entirely pure intentions. Not like some other sluts I could mention.

Tosca: [eyes narrowing] What do you mean?

Scarpia: Well, there's a woman – who looks remarkably like the one in that painting, by the way – who's been coming her every day to meet her lover. [holds up the fan] She even left this among his paintbrushes!

[Tosca grabs the fan and notices the crest.]

Tosca: WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ATTAVANTI WHORE DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND

Scarpia: OH NO IS CAVARADOSSI YOUR BOYFRIEND I HAD NO IDEA THIS MUST BE SO UPSETTING FOR YOU

Tosca: I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM THAT I COULDN'T GO TO HIS LOVE-SHACK TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ATTEND THE ROYAL GALA BUT I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY BONING SOME PRETTY BLONDE BITCH

Scarpia: [to himself] This is way easier than anticipated. It's like taking candy from a fish, or shooting babies in a barrel, or however those sayings go.

Tosca: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE

Scarpia: I'm sorry to see you're so upset – is there anything I can do comfort you?

The Audience: You are such a sleaze.

Scarpia: Yuuuuuuuup.

Tosca: HOW DARE HE TURN OUR SPECIAL PLACE INTO A SEEDY BROTHEL

Scarpia: YEAH THAT'S TERRIBLE I THINK YOU SHOULD GO THERE RIGHT NOW AND FIND HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM

Tosca: YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING MANIPULATED RIGHT NOW

[Tosca runs out. Scarpia signals for Spoletta to come over, and people begin filing into church.]

Scarpia: Follow her. She'll lead you straight to Cavaradossi and Angelotti.

Spoletta: [in a singsong voice] Weeeeee're following the diva, the diva, the diva –

Scarpia: Shut up. Meet me in my quarters at the Palazzo Farnese when you've found them.

Spoletta: Yes, sir.

[Spoletta exits. The mass begins, and the procession of cardinals, priests, and altar boys passes behind Scarpia.]

Puccini: You know, I'm a little concerned that Scarpia isn't villainous enough.

The Audience: Maybe you could give him a gloating monologue while the Te deum goes on in the background.

Puccini: You think?

The Audience: Oh, yeah. The juxtaposition of sacred and profane actions will make him seem so much more evil than he would on his own!

Puccini: ... you may have a point.

The Chorus: OH GOD YOU CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH

Scarpia: GO, TOSCA – FEEL MY VENOM PENETRATE YOUR BOSOM

Puccini: How's that?

The Audience: It's a good start. Try expanding on his lustful intentions.

The Chorus: PRAISE GOD'S NAME NOW AND FOREVER

Scarpia: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND CAVARADOSSI TO HIS DEATH WHILE I SCREW HIS GIRLFRIEND

The Audience: Good, good.

Puccini: And now for the big finish!

Scarpia: TOSCA YOU MAKE ME FORGET GOD

Everyone: YAAAAY JESUS

Puccini: ... nailed it.

[End of Act I.]

Pagliacci, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.

The Audience: Brilliant plan.

Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!

The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.

[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]

Beppe: :(

[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]

Beppe: :( :( :(

[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]

The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW

Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!

Tonio: I hate you all so much.

The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY

[Beppe and Nedda enter.]

Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US

The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.

[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]

The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE

[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]

Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.

Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.

Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?

Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.

Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!

Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...

[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]

The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS

[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP

[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]

Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

The Chorus: GET SOME

Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.

[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]

Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE

Nedda: There's Arlecchino!

[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]

Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.

The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY

The Audience: Nooooope.

[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]

Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.

Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.

Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.

Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!

[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]

Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT

Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!

[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]

Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.

Tonio: But -- but --

[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]

Beppe: GTFO N00B

Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.

My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?

Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.

[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]

Nedda: Arlecchino!

Beppe: Colombina!

[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]

The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.

Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS

Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD

Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU

[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]

Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!

Nedda: YAAAAAY

[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]

Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT

Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES

[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]

Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!

Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!

[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]

Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT

Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.

[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]

Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW

Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?

Canio: Yuuuuuuup.

Nedda: Why are you home early?

Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?

Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.

[Tonio steps out of the closet.]

R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.

Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!

The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL

Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP

The Chorus: oh shit

Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: Whose name?

Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE

The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?

Silvio: Yuuuuup.

Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --

Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY

Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW

Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.

Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!

Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.

Chorus Men: SHUT IT

Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN

Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?

The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER

Nedda: ... fuck.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.

Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU

Nedda: Kinda, yeah.

Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME

Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!

Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME

Nedda: APPARENTLY

Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE

Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.

Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?

Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?

[Canio pulls out a knife.]

The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]

Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.

Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME

Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF 

Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER

The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW

[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]

Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK

The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING

Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS

Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...

[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]

The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.

Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO

Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.

[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]

Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.

[Silvio and Nedda both die.]

The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.

The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE

The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.

Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED

The Chorus: ...

The Audience: ...

The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE

[End of the opera.]

Cavalleria rusticana

Cavalleria Rusticana

A melodrama in one act

Music: Pietro Mascagni

Libretto: Giovanni Targioni-Tozzetti and Guido Menasci

[The opera takes place in the mid-nineteenth century, in a small Sicilian village. During the prelude, the tenor starts singing from behind the curtain.]

Turiddu: [offstage] I met her in my mom's bar down in Sicily

And she was super hot and had sex with me, oh my Lola

L-O-L-A, Lola

And she went and got married while I was away

But I'm back and now I'm sleeping with her anyway, 'cause YOLO

Y-O-L-O, YOLO

And her husbands pretty tough and a jealous guy

But she's hot enough that I don't even care if I die, oh my Lola

Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola

Mascagni: Actually, that pretty much covers the whole plot of the opera right there.

The Audience: So... can we leave now, or would that be awkward?

Mascagni: You can't leave yet! You'll miss all the Catholic guilt!

The Audience: Oh joy.

[The curtain rises on the town square, which has a church at one end and Turiddu's mom's wine bar at the other.]

The Audience: Religion and alcohol, the two staples of any Sicilian upbringing.

Me: To be fair, that also describes Ireland.

[The chorus enters.]

Chorus Women: WE ARE SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK WHO ENJOY OUR SIMPLE COUNTRY LIVES

Chorus Men: YES INDEED WE WORK HARD ALL DAY AND THEN WE ENJOY THE SIMPLE COMFORTS OF OUR QUAINT HOMES

Chorus Women: YOU COULD EVEN SAY OUR LIVES ARE PRETTY RUSTIC

Chorus Men: AND CHIVALROUS

Chorus Women: THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE THAN AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WHO WAS CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY, SUFFERED UNDER PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED, AND WAS BURIED

Mascagni: Oh, right. It's Easter, by the way.

The Audience: Of course it is.

The Chorus: WE'RE SO EXCITED TO CELEBRATE EASTER IN A COMPLETELY PEACEFUL AND NON-MURDEROUS FASHION

[They exit. Enter Santuzza, a young woman from the village. She seeks out Mama Lucia, who is Turiddu's mother and the proprietor of the wine bar.]

Santuzza: MAMA LUCIA WHERE IS TURIDDU

Mama Lucia: I'm sorry; you must have me confused with someone who talks to dirty whores.

Santuzza: Rude.

Mama Lucia: Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Santuzza: Pleeeeease I need to talk to Turiddu and I need to know where he iiiiiiiiis

Mama Lucia: He's not here; he's gone to Francofonte to buy more wine.

Santuzza: No, he's totally back.

Mama Lucia: BITCH IF YOU KNOW SO MUCH THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME WHERE HE WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Santuzza: Someone saw him here in town last night!

Mama Lucia: What? Aw, hell naw. He can cavort with brazen hussies all he wants –

Santuzza: I have feelings, you know.

Mama Lucia: – but the minute he starts messing with my business, it is on.

The Audience: Good to know she's got her priorities in order.

[Mama Lucia beckons to Santuzza.]

Mama Lucia: Come inside; we can talk more.

Santuzza: I CAN'T ENTER YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED

The Audience: We're pretty sure that's not how excommunication works, but whatever.

Mama Lucia: Fine. Just tell me what my son's been up to!

Santuzza: Well...

[Alfio enters. The chorus follows him on because they have nothing better to do.]

Alfio: BOY I SURE LOVE CARTING SHIT FROM TOWN TO TOWN

The Chorus: YEAH THAT'S APPARENTLY A THING THAT PEOPLE DO

Alfio: BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE BACK HOME FOR EASTER SO I CAN SEE MY LOVING WIFE LOLA WHO WOULD NEVER EVER CUCKOLD ME

Santuzza: cough cough SLUT cough cough

Alfio: YAAAAY IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME

The Chorus: YAAAAAAAY

Alfio: Hey, Mama Lucia – do you have any of that wine I love so much?

Mama Lucia: Not at the moment – Turiddu has gone to get more.

Alfio: But he's back, isn't he? I saw him near my house this morning, looking completely inconspicuous!

Mama Lucia: GODDAMMIT HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN BACK IN TOWN

[Santuzza elbows Mama Lucia.]

Santuzza: [whispering] Ix-nay on the Uriddu-Tay.

Mama Lucia: Bitch, you know I don't speak Latin.

Santuzza: Just shut up.

[Singing can be heard from the church.]

Alfio: Y'all bitches are late for mass.

Mama Lucia: Aren't you gonna go?

Alfio: I have to drop some stuff off at home first, but I'm sure I'll arrive at the church at an appropriately dramatic moment.

[He leaves. The offstage chorus sings in Latin.]

Offstage Chorus: LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET

CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT

VESTIBULUM FEUGIAT IMPERDIET

LIBERO UT ALIQUAM

Onstage Chorus: YAY FOR JESUS

HE HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND STUFF

Santuzza: I AM SAD BECAUSE I CAN'T GO INTO THE CHURCH

The Chorus: ALLELUIAAAAAAAA

[Everyone goes into church except Santuzza and Mama Lucia.]

Mama Lucia: Soooo why did you tell me to shut up?

Santuzza: You know how Turiddu had sworn to love Lola forever before he went off to be a soldier?

Mama Lucia: Yeah...

Santuzza: Well, when he got back and saw that she was married, he seduced me to make her jealous.

The Audience: What a douche.

Santuzza: He said he loved me and promised that we would get married, but now he's just banging Lola whenever Alfio's out of town. OH GOD I'M THE TOWN HARLOT

Mama Lucia: Well, shit. And this is why you can't go to church?

Santuzza: More or less. But it's okay; I'll just wait outside and interact with the other main characters.

[Mama Lucia leaves. Turiddu enters.]

Turiddu: Oh, hey.

Santuzza: There you are! I've been waiting for you!

Turiddu: That's great. Aren't you going to church?

Santuzza: NO BECAUSE I'M A SINFUL SINNER AND IT'S YOUR FAULT

Turiddu: Oh, right. The pre-marital sex. Hey, have you seen my mom around?

Santuzza: Yeah, but I need to talk to you.

Turiddu: Not in front of the church. It might give people the wrong idea.

The Audience: Like the idea that you're an asshole?

Turiddu: More or less. Anyway, I'm gonna go –

Santuzza: Where have you been?

Turiddu: I was buying wine in Francofonte.

Santuzza: Bullshit. Half the town saw you creeping around Lola's house this morning.

Turiddu: HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME

Santuzza: YEAH MAYBE A LITTLE but this time it was actually Alfio who saw you.

Turiddu: Shiiiiit.

Santuzza: If you're going to be a two-timing dick, you could at least be more careful about it.

Turiddu: Shut up! Do you want to get me killed?

Santuzza: NO BECAUSE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU LOVE LOLA

Turiddu: Calm down. I don't love Lola; I love you!

Jerry Springer: Is that true? Let's find out! Come on out, Lola!

[Lola enters.]

The Audience: WOOOO

Santuzza: [expletive deleted]

Lola: DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME

DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME

Santuzza: [throws a chair]

The Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lola: Oh hey, Turiddu. Have you seen Alfio?

Turiddu: I dunno; I just got here.

Lola: Whatever; I'm sure he'll be here soon. [molto bitchy] Aren't you coming in, Santuzza?

Santuzza: People who have committed grievous sins aren't allowed in church.

Lola: [innocently] Well, I guess I should be glad that I'm not a skank like you!

Santuzza: Yeah, you're a fucking model of womanly virtue.

Turiddu: You know what? Your negativity is really bumming me out. Let's go, Lola.

Lola: No, thanks. You can stay out here and finish your conversation.

Turiddu: But –

Lola: Stay.

Turiddu: Yes, ma'am.

[Lola goes into church.]

Turiddu: GODDAMMIT SANTUZZA LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE

Santuzza: I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Turiddu: I DON'T CARE GET AWAY FROM ME

Santuzza: DON'T LEAVE ME

Turiddu: WATCH ME

[She tries to cling to him, but he shoves her away and runs into the church.]

Santuzza: I HOPE YOU HAVE... A BAD EASTER

The Orchestra: Dun DUN DUNNNNNNN

The Audience: … is that supposed to be some sort of grievous curse?

Mascagni: Of course. Everyone in the town is, like... super Catholic.

The Audience: It doesn't seem that terrible, though. “Have a bad Easter.” You might as well tell someone that you hope they overcook their dinner.

Mascagni: That would probably get you shot in some parts Sicily.

The Audience: … you people are weird.

[Alfio enters.]

Santuzza: ALFIO I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU

Alfio: How late am I for mass?

Santuzza: I'm pretty sure it's ending in five minutes. But what's important right now is that LOLA IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH TURIDDU

Alfio: whaaaaaaaaaaat

Santuzza: Whenever you leave town, they pretty much fuck like rabbits.

Alfio: GodDAMMIT

Santuzza: Right?

Alfio: If you're lying to me, I will rip your heart out and eat it.

The Audience: Whoa. Calm down there, khaleesi.

Santuzza: I'm not lying!

Alfio: Okay, I'll just take your word for it and not bother to verify your statements in any way.

The Audience: Don't worry. It's all true.

Alfio: TIME TO GET MY MURDER ON

Santuzza: … maybe telling you like this wasn't the best idea.

Alfio: WHERE'S MY STABBIN' KNIFE

[They exit. An orchestral intermezzo plays.]

The Orchestra: Listen to how beautiful and melodic this is! There's no way this is all going to end in tragedy!

The Audience: Bullshit.

The Orchestra: Yeah, we're just fucking with you. Shit's about to get real.

[The mass ends and the chorus re-enters with Turiddu and Lola.]

The Chorus: Now that mass is over, let's go home to our families!

Turiddu: How about you, Lola?

Lola: I have to go home, too. I still haven't found Alfio!

Turiddu: Meh. He'll get here eventually. HEY EVERYONE LET'S GET DRUNK

The Chorus: That sounds way better than Easter dinner with our loved ones!

Turiddu: TRA LA LA WINE IS AWESOME BECAUSE IT REMOVES OUR INHIBITIONS AND MAKES GETTING LUCKY THAT MUCH EASIER

The Audience: You're gross and we hate you.

[Turiddu and Lola toast to each other.]

Turiddu: To your love life!

Lola: To your enormous... health. Ahem. To your health.

The Chorus: WOOOO WE LOVE BOOZE

[Everyone drinks. Alfio enters, looking pissed off.]

The Chorus: HI ALFIO

Alfio: Fuck off.

Turiddu: HEY ALFIO COME DRINK WITH US

Alfio: Actually, I'd rather drink poison. Or, you know. Kill you.

Turiddu: BRING IT

Lola: shit shit shit

Chorus Women: We're outta here.

[They exit with Lola.]

Turiddu: So when do you want to do this?

Alfio: Right now.

Turiddu: Fine.

[Turiddu embraces Alfio and bites part of his ear off.]

The Audience: JESUS CHRIST ALFIO JUST GOT MIKE TYSON'D

Mascagni: It's how Sicilians accept challenges.

The Audience: We think you're full of shit. You're not even from Sicily.

Alfio: Looks like we understand one another. I'll wait for you outside.

Turiddu: Just so you know, I'm sorry for screwing your wife and stuff – I'd totally commit suicide to right the wrong I've caused you, but I kinda promised to marry Santuzza and if I die then no one will want her because I took her virginity. Sooooooo I guess I'm gonna have to kill you!

The Audience: If you actually gave a shit about Santuzza's future, maybe you shouldn't have slept with her in the first place.

Alfio: And you also shouldn't have cuckolded me, so you can pretty much eat a whole bag of dicks.

[Alfio leaves with the chorus men. Mama Lucia enters.]

Turiddu: Hey, mom. I just have to go out into the fields for a few minutes, but if I don't come back for some completely unexpected reason, could you promise to take care of Santuzza for me?

Mama Lucia: Uh... what's going on?

Turiddu: Oh, nothing. I'm pretty sure it's just the wine talking.

Mama Lucia: Oh, okay.

Turiddu: Now that I think about it, though, I probably should have waited until I sobered up before agreeing to fight Alfio to the death.

Mama Lucia: Wait, what?

Turiddu: Gottagobye!

[He runs out.]

Mama Lucia: TURIDDU MARCO CAZZONE YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

[Santuzza enters and embraces Mama Lucia. A scream is heard in the distance.]

Offstage Voice: OH GOD TURIDDU'S DEAD

[The chorus enters, looking shell-shocked. Santuzza and Mama Lucia begin to weep.]

The Chorus: OH NOOOOOO

The Audience: Good fucking riddance. That guy was an asshole.

[Santuzza and Mama Lucia glare at the audience.]

The Audience: … too soon?

[End of the opera.]