L'elisir d'amore, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.

The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.

Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.

Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.

Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER

Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?

Gianetta: grumble grumble

Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON

The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.

Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.

The Audience: And how's that working out for you?

Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE

The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.

Adina: I know, right?

Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG

The Chorus: NNNNOPE

The Audience: NNNNOPE

Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO

[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]

Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.

The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?

Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.

The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.

Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.

Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?

Adina: ... yeah?

Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?

Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --

Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO

[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]

Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON

The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.

Half of My Readers: Rude.

Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.

Two of My Readers: Also rude.

Me: You know it's true.

Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED

Dulcamara: PLEEEEASE

Adina: NNNNOPE

[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]

Donizetti: But isn't it great?

The Audience: No comment.

The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?

Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.

The Chorus: Yaaaaaay

[A notary enters.]

Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!

The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?

Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?

Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!

Belcore: That's comforting.

Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.

Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?

Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.

Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE

[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]

Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER

Dulcamara: om nom nom nom

Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?

Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?

Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT

Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.

Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW

Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?

Nemorino: No?

Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!

[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]

Nemorino: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!

Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!

Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.

John Travolta: Seriously.

Nemorino: ... dammit.

Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?

Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?

Belcore: Obviously.

Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.

Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!

Nemorino: Seriously?

Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.

Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?

Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY

Nemorino: But I don't want glory!

Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM

Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...

Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE

Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!

Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.

[Nemorino squints at the contract.]

Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?

Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.

Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!

[He signs the contract.]

Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.

Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?

[Belcore gives him the money.]

Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!

Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.

Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE

[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]

Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE

Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS

Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK

Gianetta: Shut up.

Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE

The Audience: Much appreciated.

Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?

The Audience: Not really, no.

Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.

Chorus Ladies: oooooh

Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!

Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST

The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.

Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?

Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE

[Nemorino enters, drunk.]

Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME

[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]

Nemorino: Oh, hey.

Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.

Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...

Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST

[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]

Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK

[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]

Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?

Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?

Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!

Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?

Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER

Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM

Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO

Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.

The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?

Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS

The Audience: You're a moron.

Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME

Nemorino: OKAY

Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST

Nemorino: OKAY

Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE

Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM

Gianetta: OKAY

[A large catfight ensues.]

Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!

The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.

Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR

Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?

Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?

Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.

Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO

Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.

Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS

Nemorino: Okaaaaay

Adina: Wait! What about me?

Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.

Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.

Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?

The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.

[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]

Adina: But... but...

Dulcamara: Crazy, right?

Adina: That's one word I'd use.

Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!

Adina: How so?

Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.

Adina: Bullshit.

Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!

Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?

Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.

Adina: Oh. Awkward.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?

Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.

Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...

The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.

Adina: Shut up.

Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.

Adina: You shut up too.

Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.

Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME

Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!

Adina: They already are.

Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.

Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.

The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?

Adina: Probably.

Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn

Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR

Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.

Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...

Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.

Dulcamara: homina homina homina

Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!

The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.

Adina: Yuuup.

The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.

Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.

Donizetti: And how!

[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]

Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME

The Audience: For some reason.

Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF

The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...

Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.

The Audience: Nnnnope.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: ... hey. How's it going?

Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!

The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?

Nemorino: I sure don't!

Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.

Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.

Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.

Nemorino: People like you?

Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.

[She hands it to him.]

Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.

Nemorino: But you don't love me?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE

Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU

The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!

[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]

Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE

Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?

[Belcore draws his sword.]

Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU

Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO

Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS

Everyone: [calms their tits]

Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.

Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.

Gianetta: Like me?

Belcore: You wish.

Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!

Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --

Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!

Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME

Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!

The Audience: Dude... too soon.

The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA

Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL

The Chorus: Alcohol?

Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!

Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!

Belcore: Fuck you both.

Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!

The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE

The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE

[End of the opera.]

L'elisir d'amore, Act I

L'elisir d'amore
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)


Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani

[Act I: A quaint little village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside. Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and reading a book. Nemorino, the hero protagonist of our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]

Gianetta: Boy, it sure is awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything useful.

The Chorus: It sure is!

Adina: If you dirty peasant fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to evict you all.

Gianetta: … can she do that?

The Chorus: Maybe? We're all illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read through our laws and statutes and shit.

Gianetta: Good point.

The Chorus: So should we get back to work?

Gianetta: Nah, let's just keep repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.

The Chorus: With gusto!

Gianetta: RELAXING IN THE SHADE IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK

The Chorus: IT REALLY SUCKS YES YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS

The Audience: … this seems uncomfortably familiar.

Donizetti: Hi, everyone! Thanks for coming to my opera!

The Audience: Son of a bitch. Not this guy again.

Donizetti: Glad to see you, too.

[The chorus shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]

Nemorino: God, Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.

The Audience: That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.

Nemorino: If I could, I would just stare at her all day long.

The Audience: Okay, maybe you want to dial it back a bit.

Nemorino: And all night. I would love to watch her sleep.

Rodolfo: Back off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is my territory.

Nemorino: You back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three years!

Rodolfo: Them's fightin' words, boy.

Donizetti: GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD

Rodolfo: Fiiiine.

[He leaves.]

Nemorino: So, like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!

The Audience: That's rough, buddy.

Nemorino: I TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE

SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE

'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME

WALK RIGHT BY ME

AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE

The Audience: Really? 'Cause you seem to be attracting a lot of attention right now.

Nemorino: CADENZAAAA

The Audience: Case in point.

[Adina starts laughing.]

Adina: OH MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT

Gianetta: Yeah, you can read. We're really happy for you.

Adina: Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!

Gianetta: Really? 'Cause you were telling us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.

Adina: COME HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP

[Gianetta and the chorus all gather around Adina.]

Adina: Soooo once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was in love with a total bitch named Isolde!

Nemorino: Sounds familiar.

Adina: And he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any attention!

Donizetti: SEE IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA

The Audience: Yeah. Thanks.

Adina: But one day, Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!

Wagner: What the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED

Donizetti: SHUT UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS

Wagner: WELL THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN

The Audience: Girls, girls. You're both pretty.

Adina: And so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in love with him!

The Chorus: OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT

Nemorino: IT SURE WOULD

Everyone: [stares at Nemorino]

Nemorino: You know, for completely normal purposes that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.

The Audience: Okay, sooo wait a second. If Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall more in love with her?

Donizetti: It's magic or something. Shut up.

The Audience: It's not to say that we don't appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –

Donizetti: You're welcome.

The Audience: – it's just that the story makes no goddamn sense.

Donizetti: And when has that ever stopped me before?

The Audience: … touché.

The Chorus: SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

Adina: Isolde fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!

The Chorus: YAAAAAY

The Audience: That's it; we're calling bullshit.

Donizetti: Again.

The Audience: Shut up. Aren't you missing the part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part where it all ends in tragedy?

Donizetti: It's a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!

The Audience: Yeah, lots. And the happiest of all those possible endings is the one where Tristan is exiled for life and Isolde stays married to a man she doesn't love.

Wagner: I like the version where they both die at the end!

The Audience: Yeah, we know.

Donizetti: Well, you can all piss off because this is my opera and I do what I want.

The Audience: Just so you know, we'll be keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.

Donizetti: Funny you should mention that...

[Belcore enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words, he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on her.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.

Adina: Fuck off; I'm reading.

[Belcore steals a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to Adina.]

Belcore: So you like books, huh? Well, try this literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –

The Audience: – thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were fighting and dying all around him –

Belcore: – I present you with these flowers!

The Audience: Yeah, that's two strikes.

Donizetti: STOP KEEPING TRACK

The Audience: Nnnnope.

Belcore: But I'm way cooler than that guy –

The Audience: – the cowardly adulterer –

Belcore: – because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the next few days.

The Audience: What? That comparison doesn't even make sense.

Adina: Look. No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –

Nemorino: grumble grumble

Adina: – but I'm not interested.

Belcore: But wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can bench-press about a bajillion pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.

Adina: Be still, my beating heart.

Belcore: I know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a man in uniform, especially when that man happens to be me.

Donizetti: Could you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?

Belcore: Sure thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!

The Audience: Oh, you mean like the time that Ares had sex with Aphrodite?

Belcore: Yuuuup.

The Audience: And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and trapped them in a net?

Belcore: Uh...

The Audience: That's three.

Belcore: Sooo it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do you want to get married?

The Audience: Wow. That's moving a little fast, even for an opera character.

Nemorino: oh god oh god what am I gonna do

Adina: I'm not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up among the townsfolk a little longer.

Nemorino: yesssssss

Belcore: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied

Adina: You are by far the clingiest man I have ever met.

Nemorino: Challenge accepted.

Belcore: What's the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot guy.

Adina: Look, just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy. You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to pillage this village, baby.

Belcore: Wait, who said anything about pillaging?

Adina: I'm using the word as a euphemism for sex.

Belcore: Ohhhhh. In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and slaughter all its inhabitants.

Adina: Uh... I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.

Belcore: Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Nemorino: [to himself] Dammit, he's so suave! I wish I could talk to ladies like he does!

The Audience: No, you really don't.

Belcore: Oh, and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.

Adina: Not gonna happen.

Belcore: Just me, then?

Adina: Nnnnope.

Belcore: Fine; we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a bottle of wine or something?

Adina: Yeah sure whatever.

Belcore: [to himself] Oh, yeah. She wants me.

Adina: [to the townsfolk] What the hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK

[The soldiers and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]

Nemorino: Hey, um... can I talk to you for a second?

Adina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me like you always do?

Nemorino: … no?

Adina: Okay, you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?

Nemorino: …

Adina: Tick-tock, Eeyore.

Nemorino: I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU

Adina: Aaaand that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.

Nemorino: WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE

Adina: Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything to society.

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: You should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of yours.

Nemorino: His pain is nothing compared to mine!

Adina: Really? 'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.

Nemorino: Loving you is way worse than syphilis!

Adina: Wow. You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.

Nemorino: Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.

Adina: You think?

Nemorino: Sorry.

Adina: Okay, just listen. You're a nice guy –

Nemorino: yaaaaaaaay

Adina: – but you're awkward as fuck and have no idea how to get women to like you.

Nemorino: My mom always told me that I should just be myself.

Adina: That's terrible advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.

Nemorino: But whyyyyyyyy

Adina: Mostly because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck who smells like cow shit.

Nemorino: Oh.

Adina: But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and there...

Nemorino: [sighing] I wish you'd blow here.

Adina: You've really gotta work on your phrasing, man.

Nemorino: What?

Adina: Never mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or something while you're at it.

Nemorino: BUT I CAN'T

Adina: And why not?

Nemorino: BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING

The Audience: He's really not good at metaphors.

Adina: Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.

Nemorino: I WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN

TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN

YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE

BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME

Adina: … 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of suicide –

Nemorino: Dammit.

Adina: – and tell you once again that I'm not interested.

The Audience: Good for you, Adina! Way to not define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!

Me: Just wait twenty minutes.

Nemorino: PLEEEEEASE

Adina: FUCK OFF ALREADY

Nemorino: FINE

[They both leave.]

The Audience: Thank god.

[The Chorus enters.]

The Chorus: OH WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN

[Enter Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]

Dulcamara: HI FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE

The Chorus: ooooh

Dulcamara: [holding up a bottle] IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON

The Chorus: aaaaah

Dulcamara: ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD

The Audience: Thanks for the infomercial. Can we move on with the opera yet?

Donizetti: Nope. He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.

The Audience: fuuuuuuuck

Dulcamara: I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW

The Chorus: HOW MUCH

Dulcamara: I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM

The Audience: That doesn't even make sense.

The Chorus: HERE YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY

Dulcamara: Done and done.

[Everyone buys some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets an idea.]

Nemorino: Hey, Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions and elixirs and whatnot.

Dulcamara: Indubitably! My suitcase holds more wonders than Pandora's box!

The Audience: THAT'S FOUR

Donizetti: You know what? I don't even care anymore.

Nemorino: Awesome. Would you possibly happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?

Dulcamara: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Nemorino: You know, like... an elixir of love?

Dulcamara: Oh, right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll let you have it for –

Nemorino: [counting his money] I have seventy-five cents.

Dulcamara: – seventy-five cents!

[Dulcamara takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]

Nemorino: OH WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH

Dulcamara: You're welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!

Nemorino: So how do I use it?

Dulcamara: You drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out of their hard-earned cash.

Nemorino: What?

Dulcamara: Nothing. No refunds, by the way.

Nemorino: I'm sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?

Dulcamara: It tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since it's definitely magical and totally not a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.

Nemorino: Awesome. Thanks!

Dulcamara: Also, you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Nemorino: I promise!

Dulcamara: Wonderful! Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.

Nemorino: But I only want one particular woman because she's my true love!

Dulcamara: It's funny how you think I give a shit. Later!

[Dulcamara exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]

Nemorino: You know, it really does taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!

[He chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are instantly visible, because of course they are.]

Nemorino: LA LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED

The Audience: So... was the alcohol instantly absorbed into his bloodstream or something?

Donizetti: Apparently.

The Audience: Wow. It really is magic.

[Adina enters.]

Adina: WHO THE FUCK IS SINGING

Nemorino: LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!

[He pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]

Adina: Oh, it's just Nemorono. What the hell is he so happy about?

Nemorino: Rrrgh, why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?

Adina: Is he actually ignoring me? The village idiot is ignoring me?

Nemorino: [to himself] Laugh while you can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be begging to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!

The Audience: That's a terrible name for your penis.

Adina: I think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.

[She approaches him.]

Adina: Soooo you seem pretty happy.

Nemorino: Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.

Adina: You know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I am, I'm gonna call bullshit.

Nemorino: GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

Adina: WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME

The Audience: Oh, just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.

Belcore: [offstage] DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED

Nemorino: Not this guy again.

Adina: Why, are you jealous?

Nemorino: NO

[Belcore enters.]

Belcore: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Adina: Not even remotely.

Belcore: I love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?

Adina: [looking at Nemorino] Maaaaybe. As long as he's not jealous or anything.

Nemorino: DO WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE

Adina: Okay, fine. [to Belcore] Let's get married!

Belcore: yessssss

Nemorino: motherfucker

Adina: How does six days from now sound?

The Audience: Like you've already got a bun in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your baby-daddy?

Belcore: It sounds great!

Nemorino: AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES

Belcore: What the hell is he talking about?

Adina: Fucked if I know. He's an idiot.

Belcore: Do you mind if I kick his ass?

Adina: Be my guest!

[Belcore is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters, followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]

Gianetta: SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOU

[She hands Belcore a note.]

Belcore: [reading] It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow morning!

The Chorus: OH NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING

Nemorino: WOOHOO

The Soldiers: Are we going to war or something?

Belcore: How the fuck should I know? [to Adina] It looks like we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.

Adina: This is my disappointed face.

Belcore: Will you be true to me while I'm gone?

Adina: It's almost definitely a possibility!

Nemorino: [to himself] Oh man, I can't wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!

Belcore: Unless maybe you'd like to get married today... ?

Nemorino: What? NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA

Adina: Aaaand there's the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. [to Belcore] Sure! Today's a great day for a wedding!

Nemorino: MOTHERFUCKER

The Chorus: YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS

The Audience: Yeah, because they always turn out so well in Donizetti operas.

Nemorino: ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW

Belcore: It's none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I wreck your shit.

Adina: It's okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.

Gianetta: HA HA WHAT A PUSSY

Everyone: [laughs at Nemorino]

Nemorino: But... but...

Adina: [aside] This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of going through with this wedding.

The Audience: That... seems a little harsh.

Adina: Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they once were!

The Audience: Holy shit. We didn't know this opera had a villain.

Donizetti: Oh, yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.

[Nemorino has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd mocks him.]

Belcore: EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO

The Chorus: WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON

Nemorino: [weeps softly]

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

Die Zauberflöte, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: A grove outside the temple. Sarastro, the Speaker, and a bunch of priests enter, and Sarastro delivers some expository dialogue with his characteristic gravitas – which is to say that it's very regal and very enlightened and also entirely devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

Sarastro: Blah blah Tamino blah blah prince blah blah seeking wisdom so we should probably let him join our little club.

The Speaker: But only if he can pass our deadly trials, right?

Sarastro: He damn well better. The whole reason I kidnapped Pamina in the first place was so she could get married to Tamino, who will take over as high priest once I pass away. If he screws up the trials, it kinda throws a monkey wrench into my plans.

First Priest: Sooo basically you're planning to marry a girl you kidnapped – and over whom you have no legal authority – to a guy you've just met.

Sarastro: Yuuup.

The Speaker: And you're also planning to make this guy, whom – to reiterate – you've never met before in your life, the head of our sacred order. Instead of, you know... someone who's actually a member already.

Sarastro: When you put it that way, it sounds irresponsible.

The Speaker: Little bit.

Second Priest: And where does the bird-man fit into your plan, anyway?

Sarastro: Oh, he doesn't.

Second Priest: So why are we making him go through the trials too?

Sarastro: … for the hell of it?

The Audience: Wow, this guy's kind of a dick.

Sarastro: Let us now pray to Isis and Osiris!

The Audience: Yeah, because praying to the Egyptian god of the underworld is the most optimistic thing you can do right now.

Sarastro: Great gods, grant Tamino and Papageno wisdom and patience and stuff!

The Chorus: GRANT THEM WISDOM AND PATIENCE AND STUUUUFF

Sarastro: Also, there's a distinct possibility that both of them will die during these trials – but it's okay because then they'll get to experience the joys of the afterlife!

The Chorus: WOOOO JOYS OF THE AFTERLIFE

The Audience: Okay, this is starting to get creepy.

Me: Yeah, Sarastro's band of sun-worshipers is pretty much just a glorified cult.

The Audience: How bad are we talking? Jonestown? Waco?

Me: They're less crazy militaristic and more obsessed with secret knowledge, sooo the closest parallel would probably be Scientology. Just picture Tamino and Pamina as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

The Audience: Holy shit. Everything makes sense now.

Me: You're welcome.

[Sarastro exits with the chorus. The Speaker and two priests lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: So, Tamino – are you willing to risk death to achieve enlightenment?

Tamino: Totally! I'm all about seeking wisdom, despite the fact that I've been nothing but a useless jackass this entire time and I've been thinking with my penis instead of with my brain.

First Priest: Awesome. What about bird-man?

Papageno: Hell no. Fuck this noise; I'm outta here.

Second Priest: But wait – there's more! If you undergo our trials in the next twenty minutes, we'll throw in a hot piece of barely-legal ass for free!

Papageno: DID SOMEONE SAY KNOWLEDGE I LOVE KNOWLEDGE

First Priest: So you'll do it?

Papageno: Maaaaybe. How hot is this girl, anyway? 'Cause I won't risk life and limb for anything under an eight.

Second Priest: Welllll she looks exactly like you, so...

Papageno: Wow. A perfect ten.

Tamino: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Papageno: What's her name, anyway?

Second Priest: Papagena.

Papageno: ... I'm so aroused right now it's not even funny.

Tamino: Aaaand I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that. So what happens now?

The Speaker: Your trials will consist of shutting the fuck up. We're imposing a vow of silence on you both, starting right now.

The Audience: Sooo wait. You want your two main characters to start being silent in the middle of the opera?

John Cage: I fail to see the problem.

Mozart: Shut up.

John Cage: Gladly!

The Speaker: On second thought, it might be a better idea to just forbid you from talking to women.

Tamino: Because they're evil bitches?

The Speaker: Exactly. You learn quickly!

First and Second Priests: WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED SO DON'T TALK TO THEM OR THE GODS WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

Tamino: … 'kay.

[The Speaker and the priests leave. Without the radiance of their Manly Wisdom™, night falls immediately.]

Papageno: DAMMIT WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS

[The Three Ladies enter.]

First Lady: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE

Second Lady: DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT SARASTRO WAS BAD NEWS

Third Lady: YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED NOW

Papageno: noooooooooo

Tamino: Shut up. Vow of silence, remember?

Papageno: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Tamino: Just be strong and keep repeating what the Priests told you.

Papageno: [sighing] “Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.”

Tamino: That's the spirit!

Men in the Audience: Man, this opera is hilarious.

Women in the Audience: Ahahahaha yeah it's great and also you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

First Lady: THE QUEEN IS COMING AND SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY

Papageno: Uh oh.

Second Lady: AND ALSO THE PRIESTS ARE TOTALLY EVIL

Papageno: Yeah, that's not good.

Third Lady: AND ANYONE WHO JOINS THE PRIESTS IS DRAGGED TO HELL

Papageno: OH GOD NO

The Audience: Soooo Papageno is talking to the Ladies. Is he gonna die now, or what?

Mozart: Nah.

The Audience: So what was the point of all those warnings?

Mozart: The warnings created the illusion that any of this actually matters and that Sarastro's order is more than just a kids' clubhouse with a “No Girls Allowed” sign on the door.

The Audience: Le sigh.

Papageno: Hey, Tamino, these chicks are really freaking me out with all their talk of damnation and stuff.

Tamino: Just calm your tits.

Papageno: But the Queen says –

Tamino: What the Queen says doesn't matter because she has the feeble mind of a female. Now sit down and shut up.

Papageno: grumble grumble

First Lady: Tamiiinooooo why are you being so meeeeeaaaan

Second Lady: Just taaaalk to uuuuuussssssss

[Tamino, having apparently grown a pair during the intermission, refuses to reply.]

Third Lady: Papageeeeeeeenoooooooo

Papageno: I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.

Tamino: That still counts as talking.

Papageno: But –

Tamino: Shhh!

Papageno: Fiiine.

[Papageno folds his arms and pouts.]

First Lady: Well, shit. They won't talk to us now.

Second Lady: This is boring. Let's just get out of here.

Tamino and Papageno: WOOO WE WIN

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Offstage Chorus: WE HEAR THE SOUND OF EVIL WOMEN

The Three Ladies: OH SHIT

Papageno: OH SHIIIIIIT

[The Three Ladies flee and Papageno faints. The Speaker and Second Priest enter.]

The Speaker: Great job, Tamino! Keep it up and you'll be a member of the cult in no time.

Tamino: Yaaaaaay

Second Priest: And Papageno... you suck. Really.

Papageno: Shut up. I'm only doing this so I can finally get laid.

[They leave to begin the next stage of their trials. The scene changes to a garden. Pamina is asleep on a chaise, and Monostatos enters with sore feet and blue balls.]

Monostatos: I FEEL YOU CREEPIN' I CAN SEE IT FROM MY SHADOW
WANNA JUMP UP IN MY LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO
MAYBE GO TO MY PLACE AND JUST KICK IT LIKE TAE BO
THEN POSSIBLY BEND YOU OVER
LOOK BACK AND WATCH ME SMACK THAT
ALL ON THE FLOOR –

The Audience: Gross.

Monostatos: Seriously, though. I'm gonna hit that, one way or another.

The Audience: I don't think you're her type.

Monostatos: Look at her! She's totally asking for it.

The Audience: She's asleep.

Monostatos: Exactly. If she were awake, she'd probably say no.

The Audience: Can't imagine why.

Monostatos: Hey, it's not my fault people don't want to get with me! It's 'cause I'm black!

The Audience: No, it's because you're CREEPY AS FUCK.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

Monostatos: OH SHIT

[He hides. Pamina wakes up just in time to see the Queen of the Night enter, wielding a dagger.]

Queen of the Night: WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STUPID PRINCE I SENT TO RESCUE YOU

Pamina: Tamino? Oh, he's undergoing some trials to join the priests or something.

Queen of the Night: YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME

Pamina: Nope. Sorry.

Queen of the Night: Well, it looks like the balance of power is totally fucked now.

Pamina: How so? Aren't you crazy powerful and stuff?

Queen of the Night: My magic powers have gone to shit since your dad died. A woman is nothing without a man at her side, remember?

Pamina: Right. Sorry. So what's the deal with that dagger?

Queen of the Night: Oh, this old thing? It's just the dagger you're going to use to murder Sarastro and steal the magic sun-circle from his chest.

Pamina: What?

Queen of the Night: You heard me. Go shank the old bastard and bring me his necklace.

Pamina: Why don't you just do it yourself? You're the one who hates him, and you can clearly get in and out of the temple with no problem.

Queen of the Night: No, it has to be you. I'd explain, but it's all wibbly-wobbly and... magicky-wagicky.

Pamina: No.

Queen of the Night: Young lady, you should know better than to talk back to your mother when the vengeance of Hell is burning in her heart.

Pamina: But I don't wanna kill Sarastro!

Queen of the Night: PAMINA MARIE OF THE NIGHT IF YOU DO NOT USE THIS KNIFE TO KILL SARASTRO THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER

Pamina: GOD MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

[The Queen forces Pamina to take the dagger and promptly swoops out in proper diva fashion. Monostatos emerges from his hiding place.]

Pamina: Oh, Christ. Not you again.

Monostatos: Sooo I've got an idea. How about you have sex with me, and maybe I won't tell Sarastro that you're planning to murder him?

Pamina: Not gonna happen.

[He takes the dagger from her.]

Monostatos: Come on, baby. You know what they say; once you go black, you don't go –

The Audience: DON'T SAY IT

Monostatos: – to prison for conspiracy to commit murder.

The Audience: Whew.

Pamina: I would literally rather die than have sex with you.

Monostatos: Funny you should mention that.

[He tries to stab her, but Sarastro appears at the last minute and stops him.]

Monostatos: Oh. Hi. This really isn't what it looks like, you know.

Sarastro: Bullshit. Your soul is as black as your face.

The Audience: Uh... did he actually just say that?

Me: Yuuuup.

Sarastro: GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I WRECK YOUR SHIT

[Monostatos runs away, swearing vengeance.]

Pamina: Sooo my mom asked me to murder you.

Sarastro: Yeah, she's kind of a bitch. Are you gonna do it?

Pamina: Probably not.

Sarastro: Good. My order is hella peaceful, so violence and revenge have no place inside this holy temple.

The Audience: Um... didn't you have your underlings whip the shit out of Monostatos' feet at the end of Act I?

Sarastro: Technically, that occurred outside the temple. So I'm pretty sure that was okay.

The Audience: You're just all kinds of fucked up.

Sarastro: SOMETHING SOMETHING BROTHERLY LOOOOOVE

[The scene changes again. The Speaker and the Second Priest lead Tamino and Papageno in.]

The Speaker: Just remember – shut the hell up.

Second Priest: If you break your silence, the gods will punish you with thunder and lightning.

The Audience: Just some bad weather? Didn't they say before that the punishment would be death? Or something similar?

Mozart: That was like... two whole scenes ago. Let it go already.

[The Speaker and the Second Priest exit.]

Papageno: This sucks.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: You suck too.

Tamino: Shut up.

Papageno: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Tamino: You're the worst companion ever.

Papageno: Tamiiinoooooooo I'm thirstyyyyyyyy

[A wrinkled old crone appears, carrying a goblet of water.]

Old Woman: Hey, baby. Come here often?

Papageno: Not if I can help it. Is that cup for me?

[She nods. He takes a drink of the water.]

Papageno: Dammit. I was hoping this was whiskey or something.

The Audience: Yeah, we could really use some Jack right now.

[Papageno and the Old Woman sit down.]

Papageno: Soooo you're pretty much the wrinkliest thing I've ever seen. How old are you, anyway?

Old Woman: Eighteen.

Papageno: You're so full of shit.

Old Woman: You know, you look an awful lot like my boyfriend. He wears lots of feathers –

Papageno: I don't like where this is going.

Old Woman: – and his name is Papageno –

Papageno: Starting to border on creepy.

Old Woman: – and he's sitting right next to me!

[She grabs his ass.]

Papageno: Aaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth.

[There's a clap of thunder. The Old Woman hobbles off, and the Three Spirits enter with a tray of food and the enchanted instruments.]

First Spirit: Hey, remember us from Act I? We get to do stuff now!

The Audience: Whatever. Do you guys want a medal or something?

First Spirit: SHUT UP WE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT

Second Spirit: Keep up the good work, Tamino! You've almost achieved enlightenment!

Tamino: Yaaaaay

Papageno: What about me?

Third Spirit: Just try to shut up for once.

Papageno: You know what? Fuck you guys.

[The Three Spirits leave. Papageno starts stuffing his face, but Tamino starts playing his flute instead.]

Papageno: You sure you don't want any of this?

Tamino: toot toot tootle

Papageno: Suit yourself.

[Papageno unhinges his jaw like a fucking burmese python and swallows an entire roast chicken.]

The Audience: That was horrifying.

[Pamina runs onstage.]

Pamina: My beautiful prince! I followed the sound of your flute!

Tamino: …

Pamina: Want to make out?

Tamino: …

Pamina: Why aren't you talking to me?

Tamino: …

Pamina: DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE

Tamino: …

Pamina: PAPAGENO WHAT'S GOING ON

Papageno: om nom nom nom

The Audience: Oh, for the love of god. You'll talk when the penalty is death, but now you decide to start following the rules?

Pamina: TAMINO YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART AND IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND IMPULSIVE

Tamino: …

Pamina: MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE SUICIDE

Tamino: …

Pamina: FINE THEN

[She leaves in tears. Tamino mopes.]

Papageno: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this vow of silence!

The Audience: You're an asshole.

[Trumpets sound, indicating that Tamino and Papageno should move on to the next section of their trials. Tamino, being dutiful and honorable and crap, leaves when he hears the trumpets. Papageno, on the other hand... ]

Papageno: Oh man, this food is so fucking good. A pride of ravenous lions couldn't drag me away from this feast!

Sarastro: Challenge accepted.

[Some magical lions appear.]

Papageno: oh shit I gotta lay off those 'shrooms

[Papageno runs offstage. The scene changes to a hall in the temple. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR TAMINO TO JOIN OUR CULT

[Tamino is led in by a priest.]

Sarastro: Excellent work so far, Tamino. You just have to beat the water temple and the fire temple, and then you can win the hand of the princess.

The Audience: … when exactly did this opera turn into a Zelda game?

The Three Spirits: Hey! Listen!

The Audience: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Sarastro: Anyway, it's time for you to say goodbye to Pamina. You know, just in case you drown or burn to death.

[Pamina is brought in, blindfolded.]

Tamino: Soooo you forbade me from speaking to her before, but now we can talk as long as we're only saying goodbye?

Sarastro: Pretty much.

Tamino: Dude... cockblock.

Pamina: TAMIIINOOOO HOLD ME

Tamino: On second thought, I'm cool with not seeing her again.

Sarastro: I know, right?

Pamina: DON'T GO

Tamino: BUT I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE REASONS

Pamina: I HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE

Sarastro: He'll be fine. Maybe.

Pamina: THAT'S NOT VERY REASSURING

Tamino: Stop being so damn clingy, woman. Don't you have a mournful aria to sing or something?

Sarastro: That's my boy. [to Pamina] It's time for Tamino to go face his destiny!

Pamina: NOOOOO

Tamino: It's okay; I'll see you after I defeat Ganondorf!

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU

Tamino: I'LL MISS YOU TOO

Pamina: I'LL MISS YOU MORE

Sarastro: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUT OF HERE ALREADY

[Pamina is led away, crying womanly tears and generally making a scene. Tamino, Sarastro, and the chorus leave to prepare for the final trials. Papageno enters, having once again gotten himself completely lost.]

Papageno: TAMIIINOOOO WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE

[The Speaker enters.]

The Speaker: Okay, bird-man, here's the deal. You're completely and utterly pathetic and you deserve to wander in the darkness forever –

Papageno: [whimpers]

The Speaker: – buuut the gods have taken pity on you for some reason.

Papageno: WOOHOO

The Speaker: The gods will allow you one wish. Ask, and it shall be granted.

Papageno: Anything in the world?

The Speaker: Anything.

Papageno: In that case, I could really go for a glass of wine.

The Speaker: … really? That's your one desire? Not the pretty little wife you've been looking for this whole opera, or even a map so your dumb ass can find a way out of here?

Papageno: I stand by my rash decision!

The Speaker: You're going to regret this later, you know.

Papageno: [shrugging] Meh.

[The Speaker exits and glass of wine appears. Papageno takes a sip.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT THIS WINE IS SO GOOD

[He drains the rest of the cup.]

Papageno: But you know what would be even better than a glass of wine? That pretty little wife I've been looking for the whole opera!

The Audience: YOU'RE A MORON

[Papageno quickly turns into a weepy drunk.]

Papageno: OH MAN I'M GONNA DIE ALONE

[The Old Woman enters.]

Old Woman: You know, you don't have to die alone.

Papageno: I don't?

Old Woman: You can marry me! I'll be the best wife ever!

Papageno: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Old Woman: Why not?

Papageno: Look at you! You're about a million years old and your lady-bits are probably drier than Oscar Wilde's sense of humor.

The Audience: Ouch.

Old Woman: Well, think of it this way – if you don't agree to marry me, you'll be stuck here forever. No friends, no sex, and nothing to eat and drink but bread and water.

Papageno: … when they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I don't think they mean it like this.

Old Woman: Time's running out, sweetcheeks.

Papageno: Ugh. If I marry you, you have to agree to never call me that again. Deal?

Old Woman: Deal.

Papageno: Fiiine. I promise to marry you and be completely faithful to you, at least until someone hotter comes along.

[Suddenly, the Old Woman turns into a hot, feathery eighteen-year-old.]

Papageno: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE PAPAGENA

Papagena: Yuuuuuup.

[Papageno attempts to mount her then and there, but the Speaker appears and intervenes.]

The Speaker: Sorry, but you have to be at least this enlightened to ride the bird-lady.

Papageno: DAMMIT

The Audience: So, wait. Papagena looks and acts just like Papageno and even has a similar name?

Mozart: Pretty much.

The Audience: And yet Papageno never even considers the possibility that she could be his long-lost sister or something like that?

Mozart: Apparently not.

The Audience: Gross.

[The scene changes again. The Three Spirits enter, singing about the glory of the dawning day.]

The Three Spirits: IT SYMBOLIZES THE TRIUMPH OF WISDOM OVER SUPERSTITION

The Audience: Yeah, we got that. Thanks.

First Spirit: But wait! I see Pamina approaching!

Second Spirit: She looks crazy and suicidal!

Third Spirit: We should probably stop her. But let's wait until the last possible second before we do!

The Audience: You guys are dicks.

[They hide. Pamina enters, holding the Queen's dagger.]

Pamina: TAMINO HAS ABANDONED ME AND MY MOM HAS DISOWNED ME SO I THINK I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE

No One: [gives a fuck]

Pamina: I MEAN IT

No One: [still gives a fuck]

Pamina: OKAY I'M GONNA STAB MYSELF NOW

[The Three Spirits jump out and stop her.]

First Spirit: What, what, WHAT are you doing.

Pamina: TAMINO DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOORE

Second Spirit: And your first thought was to commit suicide?

Mozart: That's how women work, right?

The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY

Third Spirit: Look, Pamina – if you stop being a stupid bitch for two seconds, we'll take you to Tamino. It's kinda what we do.

Pamina: Really?

First Spirit: Yeah.

Pamina: Wow. Guess I kinda overreacted, huh.

Second Spirit: Yuuuuuuup.

[The Three Spirits lead Pamina offstage. The scene changes again – there are two mountains, one with a waterfall and one consumed by fire and lava and shit. Two men in armor lead Tamino in.]

The Armored Men: YOU MUST PASS THROUGH FIRE AND WATER BEFORE YOU CAN ASSUME THE MANTLE OF THE AVATAR AND BRING BALANCE TO THE WORLD

Tamino: It looks... fiery.

The Armored Men: YEAH HAVE FUN AND ALSO TRY NOT TO DIE

Pamina: [calling from offstage] TAMIIINOOOO

Tamino: Wait a sec. Is that Pamina?

The Armored Men: YES YOU MORON IT'S PAMINA

Tamino: Am I still under that stupid fucking vow of silence?

The Armored Men: NAH IT'S COOL

[Pamina runs in. She and Tamino embrace.]

Pamina: TAMINO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Tamino: I LOVE YOU TOO

Pamina: LET'S UNDERGO THE FINAL TRIAL TOGETHER

Tamino: OKAY

Pamina: BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PLAY YOUR MAGIC FLUTE BECAUSE IT CAN CONTROL THE ELEMENTS AND STUFF

Tamino: Really? Wow. That's a much better idea than the one I had.

Pamina: Which was... ?

Tamino: To run through the fire really fast before I got incinerated.

Pamina: Planning isn't your strong suit, is it.

Tamino: Nnnnnope.

[Tamino starts playing the flute and they pass through the trial of fire unharmed.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOO WE'RE AWESOME

[Tamino plays the flute again and they pass through the trial of water.]

Tamino and Pamina: WOOOO THAT WASN'T ANTICLIMACTIC AT ALL

Offstage Chorus: YAAAAAAY NOW YOU CAN ENTER THE TEMPLE

Pamina: And all the plot threads have been resolved!

Tamino: Yeah, about that. Have you seen Papageno anywhere?

Pamina: All the plot threads that matter have been resolved!

[The scene changes again. Papageno is still lost.]

Papageno: I'M REGRETTING MY RASH DECISION

The Speaker: [offstage] Told you, bitch!

Papageno: I can't find Papagena anywhere, so I think I'm going to commit suicide because that seems perfectly rational. Unless someone in the audience wants me to live...?

Crickets: chirp chirp

Papageno: Nothing? Oh, you can all go to hell. I bet you sons of bitches would clap for Tinkerbell if she asked!

The Audience: Remember the time that Pamina actually needed you to talk to her? And that was the one time in the opera when you decided to shut up? Yeah, karma's a bitch.

Papageno: Fuck.

The Audience: Yuuuuup.

Papageno: FINE. I don't want to live in your stupid world anymore because you're all a bunch of stupidheads and I hate you. And now I'm going to hang myself on this tree.

[The Three Spirits enter.]

The Three Spirits: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SUICIDE

Papageno: I LOST MY SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND AND NOW I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE

First Spirit: Remember your magic glockenspiel that can do anything the plot requires at any given moment?

Papageno: … no?

Second Spirit: We gave it back to you, like... four scenes ago.

Papageno: Not ringing any bells.

The Audience: Ha. We see what you did there.

Third Spirit: It's hanging from your belt, moron.

Papageno: Oh, you mean that glockenspiel.

[He starts playing the glockenspiel.]

Papageno: Come onnn big money big money no whammies!

[Papagena appears.]

Papageno: Pa... pa... pa... PAPAGENA

Papagena: Pika... pika... PIKACHU

Mozart: What?

Papagena: I MEAN PAPAGENO

Mozart: Better.

Papageno: homina homina homina

Papagena: We make the sex now?

Papageno: Absolutely. And we'll have so many babies!

Papagena: FOUR HUNDRED BABIES

[And then they start screwing like rabbits, right there on the stage.]

The Three Spirits: OH GOD WE'RE STILL HERE

[There's another scene change. The Queen of the Night, the Three Ladies, and the traitorous Monostatos are trying to sneak into the temple and murder everyone inside.]

The Audience: Oh, right. We forgot this opera had villains.

Monostatos: BE VERY VERY QUIET

Queen of the Night: QUIET IS WHAT I DO BEST

The Three Ladies: WE ARE ALSO VERY QUIET

Monostatos: WE'RE ALMOST INSIDE

Queen of the Night: AND THEN WE CAN GET OUR MURDER ON

The Three Ladies: YAAAAAAY

The Audience: Wait, hasn't the Queen of the Night already proven that she can get into the temple whenever she needs to?

Mozart: … maybe?

The Audience: So why does she even need Monostatos?

Mozart: Stop asking questions.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!]

The Villains: OH NO WE'RE DYING FOR SOME REASON

The Audience: Wait, what the hell just happened?

[And then the scene changes back to the interior of the temple and everyone's happy again!]

Sarastro: The power of Light has triumphed over Darkness!

Everyone: WOOOO

The Audience: No, really. Where are the Queen and the Three Ladies?

Sarastro: I did magic to them and they fell over. And now Tamino and Pamina can get married and they'll rule as enlightened monarchs and everything will be awesome forever!

Mozart: The moral of the story is that you don't need to be brave, intelligent, or even remotely competent to triumph over evil, as long as you have enough wizards and magic trinkets to keep saving your dumb ass!

Everyone: YAAAAY FREEMASONRY

[End of the opera.]

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]