[Note: For anyone who's wondering, this is the synopsis of the stage version and not the movie. Also, don't bother complaining that this is a musical and not an opera, because a precedent for this sort of thing has already been set.]
Les Misérables
A musical in two acts (Part II, Part III)
Music: Claude-Michel Schönberg
Lyrics: Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel
Book: Claude-Michel Schönberg and Alain Boublil
Based on Victor Hugo's 1862 novel of the same name.
[Act I: The show opens on a chain gang in Toulon in 1815, doing... whatever it is that chain gangs do.]
Les Misérables
A musical in two acts (Part II, Part III)
Music: Claude-Michel Schönberg
Lyrics: Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel
Book: Claude-Michel Schönberg and Alain Boublil
Based on Victor Hugo's 1862 novel of the same name.
[Act I: The show opens on a chain gang in Toulon in 1815, doing... whatever it is that chain gangs do.]
The Prisoners: BREAKING
ROCKS IN THE – HOT SUN
WE
FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE – LAW WON
Claude-Michel Schönberg:
Wrong kind of chain gang, guys.
The Prisoners:
IIIIIII AM A MAAAAAN OF CONSTANT SORROOOW
I
SEEN TROOOOUBLE ALL MY DAAAAAYS
Alain Boublil:
Still not right.
The Prisoners:
LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN
OR
YOU MIGHT STUB YOUR TOE
LOOK
DOWN, LOOK DOWN
AND
THAT WOULD SUCK, YOU KNOW
Schönberg:
Better.
Random
Prisoner: OH
JESUS THIS IS THE WORST TORTURE EVER
Jesus:
No sympathy. Talk to me again when you've been scourged and
crucified.
Random Prisoner:
Dammit.
Edmond Dantès:
Man, I can't wait to get free
and return to my beloved Mercédès!
Mercédès:
Yeeeah, about that. I married your best friend and now we've got a
kid. Sorry!
Edmond Dantès:
FUCK
Victor Hugo:
OH COME ON THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT NOVEL
Alexandre Dumas:
You're just jealous 'cause my story's cooler than yours.
Victor Hugo:
You shut your whore mouth, Dumas. I will cut
you.
Me:
Though it does raise the question of why no one has turned The Count
of Monte Cristo into an opera yet.
Philip
Glass:
I'll do it!
Me:
No
one's talking to you.
Philip
Glass: :(
Schönberg:
WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE SHOW
Everyone:
Fiiiiiine.
[Enter
Inspector Javert, an eternally grumpy policeman who sees the world in
black-and-white terms and says stupid shit like “I am the law.”
Come to think of it, he's pretty much the Judge Dredd of 19th
century France.]
Half
of my Readers: Either
that or Judge Dredd is the Javert of the future.
Me:
You
know what I mean. Shut up.
The
Other Half of my Readers: Who's
Judge Dredd?
Javert:
SOMEONE BRING ME PRISONER TWENTY-FOUR-THOUSAND-SIX-HUNDRED-AND-ONE
Boublil:
… you're supposed to say the numbers individually.
Javert:
Oh.
TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-ONE
Javert's
Fangirls: [swoon]
[Jean
Valjean approaches Javert, looking all haggard and dirty and shit.]
Javert:
IT IS TIME FOR YOUR PAROLE
Valjean:
YAAAAY I'M FREE
Javert:
YOU'RE NOT FREE YOU'RE STILL ON PAROLE AND STUFF SO YOU MUST ALWAYS
WEAR THIS SIGN THAT SAYS “I AM AN EVIL EX-CONVICT”
Valjean:
That's
stupid and so are you. I only stole a loaf of bread to feed my
sister's family.
Javert:
THAT
MAKES YOU A THIEF AND THIEVES ARE SERVANTS OF THE DEVIL
Valjean:
What about Robin Hood? He stole shit all the time, and I'm pretty
sure no one thinks he
was a servant of the devil.
Javert:
He was English. That's even worse.
Valjean:
Whatever. Nineteen years of hard labor seems like an excessive
punishment for a single loaf of bread.
Javert:
Hey, now. It was just gonna be five
years, but then you tried to run away like a total pussy a bunch of
times. You brought the other fourteen years on yourself, 24601.
Valjean:
[à
la 007]
The name's Jean. Valjean.
Javert:
Yeah, I don't care. Just make sure you remember my
name, because in the event that you do something stupid – like,
say, breaking your parole and assuming a new identity – I will
pretty much shirk all of my other responsibilities and hunt you even
to the ends of the earth.
Valjean:
That sounds like a waste of time and effort.
Javert:
Yeah well I AM THE LAAAAAW
Valjean:
Oookay. You have fun with that.
[He
leaves.]
The
Prisoners: LOOK
UP, LOOK UP
THE
SCENE'S ABOUT TO CHANGE
LOOK
UP, LOOK UP
CHECK
OUT OUR TURNING STAGE
The
Audience: whooooaaaaa
[Valjean
walks in place while the stage rotates beneath his feet. The moving
set is arguably the most worthwhile part of the show.]
Half
of my Readers: YOU
TAKE THAT BACK
Me:
Look,
I thought this was a really awesome musical back in high school –
but these days, I want to hear more than five constantly recycled
melodies if I'm gonna be sitting in a theater for three hours.
Half
of my Readers: grumble
grumble
Valjean:
It's so great to be free! I feel like I'm walking through a whole new
world and seeing everything from a new fantastic point of view!
Walt
Disney:
Hey.
I
will fuck your shit up.
Valjean:
In
any case, I'm completely positive that life is going to be awesome
from this point on!
[Montage
of Valjean's Life Sucking: GO!]
Random
Farmer: I'm
not going to pay you as much as my other day-laborers because you're
a convict and also because fuck you.
Innkeeper:
Also
also, we've got no room at the inn for pieces of shit like you.
You'll have to sleep in the stable.
Schönberg:
Christ
metaphor!
The
Audience:
Is that intentional?
Boublil:
I mean, he pretty much dies for everyone's sins at the end of the
show.
Me:
SPOILER ALERT
Boublil:
We
were even gonna change his name to Jesus Valjesus, but we thought
that might be too obvious.
The
Audience:
Because subtlety is totally your strong point.
Schönberg:
We're
glad you noticed!
[But
just when Valjean seems to be on the verge of total despair...]
Valjean:
FUCK MY LIFE AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO
[…
he meets the Bishop of Digne, who is probably the only truly virtuous
member of the clergy in the entire history of French literature.]
The
Bishop: Hello,
Monsieur Complete-Stranger! You look tired and hungry!
Valjean:
You think?
The
Bishop: Come
inside! We've got plenty of food and warm beds in the rectory.
Valjean:
Thanks!
I promise you won't regret this! By the way, do you mind showing me
the exact location of all of your valuables?
The
Bishop:
Sure!
[Valjean
goes inside, where the bishop gives him food and drink. Valjean waits
until the bishop is asleep, and then promptly steals all of the
bishop's shit.]
The
Audience: You're
a douche.
Valjean:
Hey!
I was sentenced to hard labor for nineteen
years of my life,
so excuuuse
me if the experience has left me bitter and broken!
The
Audience: Yeah,
but... stealing from the one person who treats you like a human
being? Not cool, man.
Valjean:
Nineteen
fucking years!
The
Audience: You're
still a douche.
Valjean:
Whatever. I'm gonna go sell this stuff and buy a bunch of cocaine and
hookers.
[He
attempts to run away, but is promptly caught by some police
officers.]
The
Police Officers: What's
in the bag, sir?
Valjean:
DEFINITELY
NOTHING STOLEN
The
Police Officers: You
do realize you just gave us probable cause to search you, right?
Valjean:
Fuuuuuck.
[They
find the stolen silverware and drag him back to the Bishop of Digne.]
The
Police Officers:
We found the guy who stole all your shit, Your Excellency. And he had
the nerve to claim it was a gift from you!
The
Bishop:
It totally was. I gave it to him of my own free will!
The
Audience: Isn't
lying a sin?
The
Bishop: Shut
up. [to
Valjean]
But you were in such a hurry to leave that you forgot to take my
candlesticks! They're hella valuable.
Valjean:
Uh... thanks?
The
Bishop: So
as you can see, officers, there's been no crime committed here. But
thanks for being so vigilant!
[The
police leave.]
Valjean:
…
what just happened?
The
Bishop:
What just happened is I saved your life, so now you owe me. Big
time.
Valjean:
This
isn't going to turn into some weird sex thing, is it?
The
Bishop:
Hell
no. Here's the deal: since I pretty much just bankrupted my parish to
help you out – even though you were a complete stranger who fucked
me over and gave me every
reason
not to trust you or give you any sort of aid whatsoever – you're in
some serious karmic debt that can only be repaid by using this money
to become someone who's not
a complete asshole.
Got it?
Valjean:
Wow.
I don't know what to say.
The
Bishop: “Thank
you” would be nice.
Valjean:
I
feel... strange. Like an invisible weight has suddenly been placed on my shoulders.
The
Bishop:
That's Catholic guilt. Welcome to the rest of your life!
[The
Bishop leaves. Valjean proceeds to have a complete mental breakdown.]
Valjean:
shit piss balls hell ass tits fuckmothering whore
The
Audience:
Wow.
Schönberg:
He
has a lot of feelings right now.
Valjean:
THAT OLD PRIESTY ASSHOLE DOESN'T KNOW ME OR WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO
FUCK HIM but maybe he's right, I mean I was kind of being a dick BUT
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AFTER NINETEEN YEARS OF HARD LABOR but he was
really nice to me and maybe I should be nice to other people from now
on too EXCEPT DAMMIT NOW I FEEL ALL ASHAMED AND CATHOLIC AND STUFF
but I guess now that I'm rich I could just create a new identity and
forget that Jean Valjean ever existed!
Victor
Hugo: It's
almost cute how you think that's gonna happen.
[He
tears up the paper identifying him as a criminal. Fast-forward to
1823! Valjean is now the owner of a factory in Montreuil-sur-Mer, as
well as being the fucking mayor
because
he's just that badass. He's not doing a great job at mayoring,
though, because his town is overrun with the worst kind of vermin
imaginable: poor people.]
Poor
People: AT
THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE ANOTHER DAY OLDER
The
Audience: Yeah,
and every hour makes you another hour older. That's pretty fucking
self-evident.
Poor
People: AT
THE END OF THE NIGHT IT'S THE START OF THE MORNING
The
Audience:
Also self-evident. Any other pearls of wisdom to dispense?
Poor
People:
AT THE END OF A MEAL YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD LEFT
The
Audience: At
the end of the show, we're not going to clap when you bow.
Poor
People: Rude.
The
Audience:
So is there any point to this scene, other than you guys saying a
bunch of obvious shit and trying to make it sound meaningful?
Poor
People: Mostly
we're just around to illustrate the dissatisfaction of the common man
with the state of affairs at this point in French history.
The
Audience:
Hooray.
[The
factory workers enter with their foreman. One of the workers is a
young woman named Fantine – you can recognize her by the aura of
pure, heavenly light which surrounds her at all times.]
The
Foreman: AT
THE END OF THE DAY I WANT SOMEONE TO BONE ME
The
Factory Workers: Man,
wouldn't it be nice if there were laws prohibiting sexual harassment
in the workplace?
The
Foreman:
Quiet! There's no talking in the factory, unless you're being super
bitchy
about one of your co-workers.
Random
Woman:
Maybe the foreman would be in a better mood if Fantine would stop
being such a fucking prude and start putting out.
The
Foreman: Better.
The
Factory Workers:
EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE JOBS WE ARE ALSO DISSATISFIED WITH THE CURRENT
ECONOMIC CLIMATE
Random
Woman:
HEY FANTINE ARE YOU READING A LETTER LET ME SEE
Fantine:
NO
[Random
Woman takes the letter anyway and starts reading it.]
Random
Woman: OH
SHIT FANTINE HAS A BASTARD CHILD
The
Factory Workers: ohhhhh
snap
Random
Woman:
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A SLUTTY SLUT SLUT
Fantine:
I'M NOT A SLUT YOU'RE A SLUT SO SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MY LETTER BACK
Random
Woman:
NNNNOPE
[Fantine
bitch-slaps Random Woman. The two of them start fighting. Valjean
enters.]
Valjean:
WHAT
THE HELL IS ALL THIS COMMOTION AND DID I MENTION I'M THE OWNER OF
THIS FACTORY AND ALSO THE MAYOR
The
Factory Workers: We
know who you are, Mayor Definitely-Not-A-Parole-Violator.
Valjean:
It's
pronounced “Violateur.” [to
the foreman]
Sort this mess out, would you? I know you'll handle the matter with
fairness and discretion, because I'm an excellent judge of character
when it comes to the people I employ.
The
Foreman: Oh,
totally.
[Valjean
leaves.]
The
Foreman: Sooo...
what happened here?
Random
Woman: [pointing
to Fantine]
She hit me in the face and also she has a secret love-child that
she's sending money to!
The
Foreman: You
have a child out of wedlock, but you haven't yielded to my gross
sexual advances?
Fantine:
It's
because I have this thing called “self-respect.”
The
Foreman: That's
awesome. You'll have to tell me all about that some other time
because YOU'RE FIRED.
Fantine:
Wait,
what? What happened to fairness and discretion?
The
Foreman: [shrug]
Meh.
Fantine:
Well,
fine! You can take my job, but you'll never be able to take away my
dignity!
[Two
minutes later:]
Fantine
the Prostitute:
WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME FOR MONEY
[But
some other stuff happens first.]
Fantine:
I
had this really weird dream last night, you guys.
The
Audience: Really?
Do tell.
Fantine:
Yeah,
it was mostly about my life being awesome and not even remotely
terrible and meeting my true love and getting married and having
babies and being together forever. But then a bunch of tigers showed
up and they started eating me and destroying my life and I'm pretty
sure they were just some sort of bizarre metaphor for my baby-daddy.
The
Audience: …
huh.
Fantine:
Oh,
and by the way, I've decided to give in to crushing despair.
The
Audience: Sounds
like a plan!
[She
wanders down to the docks, which are littered with whores and horny
sailors.]
The
Whores: LOVELY
LADIES, WAITING FOR A BITE
The
Sailors: …
your use of the word “bite” doesn't exactly inspire confidence in
the quality of your blowjobs.
The
Whores: It's
a figure of speech. Most of us don't even have any teeth to speak of.
The
Sailors: Confidence
re-inspired!
Fantine:
Anyone
want to buy a locket?
Some
Old Woman: Sure!
Fantine:
Aaaand
now I have nothing else to sell.
A
Different Old Woman: I'll
pay you for your pretty hair!
Fantine:
That's
creepy and so are you.
A
Different Old Woman: Ten
francs.
Fantine:
LET'S
GO GET SOME SCISSORS
[Fantine
and the old woman exit.]
The
Whores: HEY
SISTER, GO SISTER
SOUL
SISTER, FLOW SISTER
[Fantine
re-enters, minus her hair.]
A
Pimp:
Hey, who's that?
A
Whore:
Oh, no one. Just some random woman who's desperate to earn enough
money to keep her daughter alive.
A
Pimp: …
desperate, eh?
The
Whores: HEY
THIS IS A REALLY EASY WAY TO MAKE SOME MONEY
Fantine:
Sign
me up!
[And
so Fantine becomes a prostitute.]
The
Whores: HEY
SISTER, SOUL SISTER
BETTER
GET THAT DOUGH, SISTER
Fantine:
You
know, this isn't actually that bad. Well, except for the whole “being
dead on the inside” part.
[A
fancy gentleman by the name of Bamatabois shows up, looking for a
little action.]
Bamatabois:
Hey,
I don't recognize you. How much?
Fantine:
Not
interested. You look like a douche.
Bamatabois:
What
the – THAT'S NOT HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK YOU LITTLE SLUT
Fantine:
FUCK
OFF
[She
bitch-slaps him, because that's apparently how she deals with all of
her problems.]
The
Audience: …
did you not learn your lesson the first time?
Fantine:
Pattern
recognition is not
my strong suit.
The
Audience: We
noticed.
Bamatabois:
HOW
DARE YOU STRIKE ME
Fantine:
Yeah...
sorry about that.
Bamatabois:
I
SHALL SEE YOU THROWN IN PRISON
[Enter
Inspector Javert, because of course he's there. He's accompanied by a
couple constables.]
Javert:
I
AM THE LAAAAAAWWWW
Bamatabois:
Inspector!
I was just minding my own business when this crazy whore attacked me
for no reason!
Javert:
Hmm...
you appear to have money, so it's clear that you're a virtuous man
and that I can trust you to tell the truth.
Bamatabois:
Totally.
[A
crowd begins to gather and watch the drama unfold. ]
Javert:
Officers!
Place this woman under arrest at once!
Fantine:
PLEASE
DON'T ARREST ME I HAVE A DAUGHTER AND SHE'LL DIE WITHOUT ME
Javert:
Save
your stories, foul temptress; I've heard them all before. “I have a
daughter!” “I only stole that bread to feed my sister's family!”
“I was framed!” “You just knowingly destroyed the one piece of
evidence that could prove my innocence!”
The
Audience: …
wait, seriously?
Javert:
Long
story short – I can't trust anything you say because you're a
criminal, and I can tell
you're a criminal because you're dressed in rags and you have the
haircut of a depraved lesbian.
Fantine:
NO
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME
Javert:
TAKE
HER AWAY
[All
of a sudden, Valjean steps out of the crowd.]
Valjean:
Deus
ex mayor!
Javert:
Aw,
dammit.
Valjean:
Leave
her alone, Javert. I believe her story.
Javert:
But
Monsieur Mayor –
Valjean:
I
don't want to hear it. She needs our help.
Fantine:
YEAH
YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT WHEN YOU LET YOUR FOREMAN FIRE ME
Valjean:
…
that was you?
Fantine:
YUUUUUP
Valjean:
Well,
shit.
The
Audience: Dooooouche.
Valjean:
Shut
up. [to
Fantine]
Don't worry! We'll get you to a hospital right away!
The
Audience: Why
exactly does she need to be in a hospital? She's been a whore for
like... two days. Or maybe more. It's really
hard to judge the passing of time in this show, by the way.
Boublil:
She contracted super-fast-acting syphilis or something.
Fantine:
cough
cough oh I'm so sick all of a sudden
Boublil:
See?
There you go.
Fantine:
Also,
could you find my daughter and bring her to me?
Valjean:
Sure
thing!
Javert:
But
–
Valjean:
No
buts, Javert.
Javert:
I
haven't arrested anyone in almost a week! I need my fix!
Valjean:
Calm your tits. I'm sure you'll find a jaywalker to harass or something.
[There
is a loud crash.]
The
Crowd: OH
SHIT SOME POOR BASTARD JUST GOT TRAPPED UNDER A CART
Valjean:
Stand
aside, citizens!
[Valjean
hulks out and lifts the cart, freeing the man trapped underneath.]
Fauchelevant:
THANK
YOU FOR SAVING ME YOU'RE LIKE SOME SORT OF CHRIST FIGURE OR SOMETHING
Valjean:
I
do my best.
The
Crowd: YAAAAY
WE HAVE THE COOLEST MAYOR EVER
Javert:
You know, Monsieur Definitely-Not-A-Parole-Violateur, your display of
freakish strength reminds me of a man that I once swore to hunt to
the ends of the earth.
Valjean:
Even
though this man of whom you speak sounds pretty badass and also very
handsome, I'm not sure I like what you're implying.
Javert:
My
apologies, monsieur. The only other person I've seen do something
like that is a man named Jean Valjean, but you can't
be him because we just found and arrested him!
Valjean: Wait, you did whatnow?
Javert: We caught Jean Valjean! He's going to spend the rest of his miserable life back in the chain
gang.
Valjean:
I'm
just gonna go out on a limb and guess that he's denying
everything...?
Javert:
Yeah,
but criminals do that. Anywho, have fun with that whore you rescued!
I'm just going to go condemn this guy to a life of slavery and
back-breaking labor. Hey, wouldn't it be awkward if we had the wrong
guy for some reason? I bet the real Valjean would feel super
guilty
about letting an innocent man take his place.
Valjean:
Yeah,
that sounds like it would be totally terrible for that “Valjean”
guy I've never met and know nothing about.
Javert:
I'm
sure his conscience would torture him for the rest of his life. It
might even be worse than the chain gang.
Valjean:
YES
THANK YOU JAVERT YOU CAN LEAVE NOW
[Javert
leaves and the crowd disperses, leaving Valjean alone onstage.]
Valjean:
…
goddammit.
The
Audience: Yuuuup.
Valjean:
On
the one hand, I could let a complete stranger be convicted and
punished for my crimes and I'd never have to be afraid of being
caught ever again – but I'd have to live with the knowledge that I
sent an innocent man to his death. One the other hand, I could
abandon my workers and my constituents, all of whom rely on me in one
way or another, and confess that I'm Jean Valjean – but at least I
wouldn't be screwing anyone over. Well, except for all those people
that I'd leave unemployed, but fuck
those guys. They're not even named characters!
The
Audience: Your
moral logic is impeccable.
Valjean:
All
that matters is that I take care of Fantine, because she's a
beautiful, unique snowflake and this show's representation of
everything pure and good in the world! Which I guess is kinda weird,
considering that she's a prostitute with a bastard child who
frequently resorts to violence to solve her problems.
The
Audience: YOU
SHUT UP FANTINE IS PERFECT
Valjean:
Long
story short – even if it royally fucks my life up, I can't just let
some other guy take my punishment.
[And
suddenly he's in court, because that makes sense.]
Valjean:
Who
am I? I'M TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE
[He
tears open his shirt, partly to show off his sweet prison tats, but
mostly because he has PECS OF STEEL.]
Everybody:
OH
SHIT
[And
then Valjean runs away before anyone can arrest him. The scene
changes to a hospital, where Fantine is dying because reasons.]
Fantine:
cough
cough I'm so sick y'all
The
Audience: Apparently.
Fantine:
[hallucinating]
COSETTE
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO BED AND ALSO I'M DYING AND STUFF
[Valjean
enters.]
Valjean:
How
are you feeling?
Fantine:
Look
at all the lonely people!
Valjean:
What?
Fantine:
Where
do they all come from? Where do
they all belong?
Valjean:
Ooookay.
You're clearly feverish and crazy.
Fantine:
a
blee blee bloo blah
Valjean:
Hush,
my darling prostitute. Sleep the sweet sleep of death.
Fantine:
WAIT
WHAT ABOUT COSETTE
Valjean:
I'll
adopt her and raise her as my own daughter!
Fantine:
yaaaaaay
Valjean:
And
I promise to be an overbearing and unnecessarily protective father!
Fantine:
booooo
Valjean:
Oh,
just shut up and die already.
Fantine:
…
'kay.
[She
dies. Enter Javert!]
The
Audience: He
might be an asshole, but at least he has impeccable timing.
Javert:
WHAT'S UP FUCKER
Valjean:
This really isn't a good time, Javert.
Javert:
IT'S
GO
TIME
Valjean:
I
have to adopt and raise a child first, but I promise you can
re-arrest me in ten years or so!
Javert:
You
have got
to be shitting me.
Valjean:
Nope,
sorry.
Javert:
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Valjean:
You
don't want me to answer that question, do you.
Javert:
I
WILL NEVER LET YOU GO BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRIMINAL AND I AM THE LAW AND
I MUST VANQUISH YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS FURY
Valjean:
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY JAVERT
[Valjean
breaks the leg off of a chair and bonks Javert on the head. Javert
falls over and Valjean escapes.]
The
Audience: Well,
that was anticlimactic.
[The
scene changes to an inn in Montfermeil owned by the Thénardiers, the
wacky comic relief characters who are taking care of Cosette. And by
that, I mean “using Cosette as unpaid child labor.” She's
sweeping the floor and singing in a tremulous, waif-ish voice.]
Cosette:
Tra
la laaaa I like to dream about castles and clouds and ladies dressed
in whiiiiite
The
Audience: Weird
dreams must run in the family.
Cosette:
And in my cloud castle, no one is allowed to cry. Ever. Or
else.
The
Audience: You're
creepy. Didn't we see you in a Japanese horror movie or something?
Cosette:
OH
NO I HEAR MADAME THÉNARDIER COMING BACK AND I'M NOT DONE WITH MY
CHORES YET
[Mme.
Thénardier enters with her daughter, Éponine.]
Mme.
Thénardier: WHAT
THE FUCK COSETTE AREN'T YOU DONE YET
The
Audience: Child
labor. You get what you pay for.
Mme.
Thénardier: GO
INTO THE DARK SCARY WOODS AND GET SOME WATER FROM THE WELL
Cosette:
But I don't wannaaaaaaa
Mme.
Thénardier: WHY
ARE YOU SO STUPID AND AWFUL WHY CAN'T YOU BE PRETTY AND AWESOME LIKE
MY DAUGHTER
Cosette:
PLEASE
DON'T SEND ME OUT ALONE INTO THE WOODS
Mme.
Thénardier: WHY
ARE YOU STILL HERE
Cosette:
[whimper]
Éponine:
GTFO
[Cosette
scurries out as Monsieur Thénardier enters. The inn's evening
customers begin to arrive.]
The
Customers: BRING
US SOMETHING TO DRINK
Thénardier:
OKAY
SURE you fucking scumbags.
Schönberg:
IT'S
FUNNY BECAUSE WHAT HE SAYS AND WHAT HE ACTUALLY THINKS ARE DIFFERENT
The
Audience: …
yeah, thanks.
The
Customers: We
love coming here because it's such a dive and Thénardier is an
untrustworthy piece of shit who has been known to literally rob
corpses!
The
Audience: That's
not a good reason to frequent a place of business.
Thénardier:
But I love them because they keep giving me their money!
The
Customers: THE
FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT AND THE WINE TASTES LIKE PISS
The
Audience: SO
WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE
[A
new customer comes in, and is greeted enthusiastically by
Thénardier.]
Thénardier:
BONJOUR
PLEASE COME IN AND HAVE A SEAT IN THE MOST REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENT IN
TOWN
New
Customer: Sounds
trustworthy!
Thénardier:
MASTER OF MY DOMAIN, KING OF THE CASTLE
BLAH
BLAH BLAH I'M STEALING ALL YOUR SHIT
The
Customers: TRA
LA LA LA HE'LL ROB YOU FUCKING BLIND
Thénardier:
DON'T LEAVE YOUR BELONGINGS LYING AROUND OR THEY'LL DISAPPEAR AND YOU
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ORDER FOOD OR DRINK HERE BECAUSE IT'S ALL MADE
FROM SPOILED INGREDIENTS AND LACED WITH ROHYPNOL
The
Customers: YAAAAAAAY
Mme.
Thénardier:
YOU'RE AN AWFUL HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS AND STUPID AND YOU
HAVE A TINY PENIS
The
Customers: IT'S
FUNNY BECAUSE SHE SAID PENIS
Thénardier:
YOU
TAKE THAT BACK
Mme.
Thénardier: NNNNOPE
Everyone:
HOORAY
FOR STABLE MARRIAGES AND SHITTY INNS
[Some
time passes and the customers file out. Valjean enters with Cosette
in tow and confronts the Thénardiers.]
Valjean:
I
found her wandering alone in the woods!
The
Audience: That's
kinda creepy.
Valjean:
I
made a promise to her dead mother to raise her as my own child, so
I'm taking her away with me and I'll pay you to let her go.
The
Audience: And
that's really
creepy. You're literally trying to buy
a little girl right
now.
The
Thénardiers: You'll
pay us, huh?
Valjean:
Yuuup.
How much for the little girl?
The
Thénardiers: BUT
WE LOVE COSETTE SO MUCH AND SHE'S SO DEAR TO US
Valjean:
SHUT
UP AND TAKE MY MONEY
[He
pays them.]
The
Thénardiers: That's
all well and good, but she was always sick and we had to buy medicine
and food and stuff and Fantine never really sent us that much money.
Valjean:
Look,
here's fifteen hundred francs. I'm taking Cosette now and you
assholes can go to hell.
The
Thénardiers:
WOOOO
[Valjean
and Cosette leave the inn.]
Valjean:
Hi,
Cosette! I'm your new daddy!
Cosette:
Yay!
Are we going to move into a new house?
Valjean:
We
are!
Cosette:
And
will I finally be allowed to play outside with the other children?
Valjean:
Hell
no. I'm literally never letting you out of my sight.
Cosette:
:(
[End
of Act I.]
The
Audience: Thank
god.
We've had to piss for the last half hour.
[Just
kidding. Act I is only half over.]
The
Audience: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Next installment: Part II
Inquiring minds want to know ... when can we expect Glass' opera "The Count of Monte Cristo?"
ReplyDeleteFrank Wildhorn's done a "Count of Monte Cristo" musical. Thus far, it's only been performed in German and Korean, but an English-language CD is available.
ReplyDeleteLoving this one, by the way -- looking forward to part 3! (And I'd love it if you did "Phantom of the Opera" at some point, as well. Even though it's also a musical and not an opera.)