Die Zauberflöte, Act I

Die Zauberflöte
A Singspiel in two acts (Act II)

Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Libretto: Emanuel Schikaneder



[Act I: Somewhere in a forest. Or on a mountain. Or some combination of the two. Everything looks vaguely mythological and there are probably triangles everywhere because MASONIC SYMBOLISM. Prince Tamino runs on, pursued by a giant phallic metaphor.]

The Audience: Okay, so the opera is off to a pretty exciting start. This guy is probably gonna slay the shit out of that dragon... serpent... thing, right?

Tamino: HOLY SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME

The Audience: ... or not.

Tamino: I'M SO SCARED I'M LITERALLY ABOUT TO VOID MY BOWELS

The Audience: Wow. What a pussy.

[And then he faints.]

The Audience: This is the worst opera ever. We're outta here.

[Just as the serpent is about to sink its fangs into Tamino's soft, supple body, a trio of foxy ladies appears.]

The Audience: Hellooooo nurses.

The Three Ladies: WE HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SERPENTS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FAIRY TALE

[The Three Ladies zap the creature with some crazy magic mojo and kill it totally dead.]

First Lady: That's right, bitch. No one messes with the Three Ladies.

The Audience: So, wait. Are they actually just called "the Three Ladies?"

Mozart: Yuuuuup.

The Audience: Huh. So what are their names? Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee? Charlotte, Emily, and Anne?

Mozart: First Lady, Second Lady, and Third Lady.

The Audience: They probably don't like that too much.

Mozart: Don't be ridiculous! Women don't have feelings.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Third Lady: Woooo we totally just saved this guy's life!

Second Lady: ... he's not moving. He is still alive, right?

[They move in closer to get a better look.]

First Lady: Yeah, he's still breathing. I think he's just unconscious.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaay

First Lady: And he's also really hot.

Second and Third Ladies: Yaaaaaaaaay

First Lady: DIBS

Second Lady: Hey, no fair!

Third Lady: I already called dibs in my head!

First Lady: That's stupid and so are you.

Third Lady: You're stupid!

Second Lady: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP

First Lady: ...

Third Lady: ...

Second Lady: There's only one way to settle this – rock, paper, magic glockenspiel.

First Lady: You always win that because you cheat.

Second Lady: No, you always lose because you always pick rock.

First Lady: Because rock should beat glockenspiel! It's a fucking rock, for god's sake!

Second Lady: Nothing beats glockenspiel. It's magic.

First Lady: grumble grumble

Third Lady: [getting an idea] Hey, do you think maybe this guy could help out the Queen?

First Lady: Maybe. You two go ask her; I'll stay here and guard McDreamy.

Second Lady: Nnnnope.

Third Lady: Yeah, I don't trust you to be here alone with him.

First Lady: [offended] And why not?

Third Lady: Because you're a weak-willed woman and you'll give in to your lustful desires as soon as we're gone?

First Lady: Hmph. Well, I could say the same about both of you.

Second Lady: Touché.

Third Lady: [sighing] If only we had a big, strong man to tell us what to do!

The Audience: This is awkward.

Me: Just wait; it gets worse.

First Lady: So I guess the only solution is for the three of us to go find the Queen together.

Third Lady: Unless we wanted to take turns... ?

First Lady: I don't share. Let's go, Ladies.

Second Lady: So, wait. We're just gonna leave him here?

First Lady: What's the worst that could happen?

Second Lady: Umm... he could get eaten by a fucking dragon, apparently.

First Lady: I'm sure he'll be fine.

[The Three Ladies depart, blowing kisses to their unconscious sweetheart. Tamino wakes up and sees the carcass of the serpent.]

Tamino: AHHHHH IT'S GONNA EAT ME AHHHHH oh wait it's dead. Huh.

[A pan flute sounds nearby.]

Tamino: OH GOD SOMEONE'S PLAYING A FLUTE I'D BETTER HIDE

The Audience: You're the worst mythological hero ever.

[Tamino hides. A strange bird-man enters, carrying a net and cage and wearing pan-pipes around his neck, and proceeds to introduce himself to the audience.]

Papageno: Howdy! I'm Papageno, your friendly neighborhood bird-catcher. I'm everyone's favorite character because I don't give a damn about wisdom or destiny and I mostly just want to eat, drink, and fuck all day long.

The Audience: Sounds about right.

Papageno: I use this net to catch birds, but I frequently fantasize about using it to catch women! If I could, I'd catch all the foxy ladies in the world and then I'd lock them up and choose the one I liked best and trade the other women for sugar because that's totally a thing that people do and then I'd give the sugar to my favorite lady and then she'd love me forever and she'd sex me up and give birth to dozens of bird-children!

The Audience: That's kinda fucked up. But kidnapping and sex trafficking have never sounded quite so charming!

Mozart: I know, right?

[Papageno starts tending to the birds in his cage. Tamino finally decides that Papageno isn't going to murder and/or eat him, so he emerges from his hiding place.]

Tamino: Hey!

Papageno: Hey.

Tamino: Um... who are you?

Papageno: Just a guy who's trying to do his job without random assholes interrupting him. Who are you?

Tamino: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a prince.

Papageno: Cool story, bro.

[Papageno starts feeding his birds again.]

Tamino: Sooo what's the deal with all those feathers? You look like a –

Papageno: – like a what? Like a bird? You know, I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone asking me about this. Just because I'm covered in feathers doesn't mean I'm some sort of disgusting avian hybrid creature. MAYBE I JUST LIKE FEATHERS YOU ASSHOLE

Tamino: ... I was just gonna say you look like an idiot.

Papageno: Oh. Fair enough.

Tamino: So hey, are you the one who killed that giant serpent?

Papageno: HOLY SHIT WHAT SERPENT

Tamino: That dead one over there. Did you kill it?

[The Three Ladies enter.]

Papageno: Oh. Ahem. Yes; yes I did. I kill dragons and serpents and shit all the time because I'm super strong and manly.

The Three Ladies: Aw, hell naw.

Tamino: Wait – who are those ladies?

Papageno: Oh, they're just the Queen of the Night's handmaidens or something. Every day they take my birds and give me food in return!

Tamino: Did you ever think that maybe you could just eat the birds and not bother with the exchange?

Papageno: ... no?

First Lady: Papageno, we need to have a little talk.

Papageno: We sure do! Here are today's birds; now hand over the food and wine!

Second Lady: Yeah, about that. Here's some water and a couple of rocks. Bon appétit, asshole.

Papageno: But –

Third Lady: And also here's a golden padlock for your mouth so you'll shut the hell up for once.

[And then they lock his mouth shut. Literally.]

The Audience: Wait, what the what?

Mozart: It's magic or something. Don't think about it too much.

First Lady: Okay, so let's ask you that question one more time – and if you lie to us, we'll murder you until you're dead. Got it?

[Papageno nods.]

Second Lady: Good. Were you the one who slew the serpent?

[Papageno shakes his head.]

Third Lady: Good boy. [to Tamino] We're the ones who saved your wonderfully-shaped ass, prince. You're welcome. Also, have a portrait of the Queen of the Night's daughter!

[She hands Tamino a locket with a picture of a pretty pretty princess, and the Three Ladies depart.]

Tamino: Wow. She's so hot. Like... seriously. I think I'm falling in love with her!

Papageno: [muffled sarcastic noises]

Tamino: I'LL BE THE PRINCE
AND YOU'LL BE THE PRINCESS
IT'S A LOVE STORY
BABY JUST SAY YES

The Audience: Once again... Worst. Hero. Ever.

[Tamino finishes drooling on the locket and the Three Ladies show up again.]

First Lady: We're getting really sick of leaving and re-entering every five seconds, so we're just gonna stay onstage for a while.

Papageno: [growls]

Second Lady: Oh, and by the way – the princess is named Pamina and she's been kidnapped by an evil sorcerer and the Queen wants to you rescue her.

Third Lady: You know, because you proved your bravery so well against the serpent.

Tamino: Shut up.

First Lady: In any case, if you can rescue the princess, you'll get to marry her and make lots of beautiful royal babies.

Mozart: Because that's what women are for! Amirite?

The Audience: Fuck off.

Tamino: Sounds good to me.

Second Lady: But first, the Queen of the Night is going to sing at you for several minutes!

[There is a crash of thunder.]

First Lady: She's coming!

Second Lady: She's coming!

Third Lady: She's coming!

Papageno: [muffled laughter]

First Lady: Shut up, bird-man.

[The Queen of the Night enters, looking appropriately splendiferous.]

Queen of the Night: OH HI TAMINO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD RESCUE MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS STOLEN FROM ME BY AN EVIL SORCERER NAMED SARASTRO AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEAK WOMAN –

Mozart: This is going to be a theme of the opera, in case you couldn't tell.

Queen of the Night: – BUT FIRST LISTEN TO MY KICKASS COLORATURA SHIT AND MY HIGH F

Tamino: daaaaaamn

Queen of the Night: But really. Go find my daughter or I'll cut you.

[She leaves.]

Tamino: She seems... intense.

Second Lady: You get used to it after a while.

Papageno: HM HM HM HM HRMF MRFLE

Tamino: I have no idea what you're saying.

Papageno: HLP MRF

Tamino: I'd take the lock off, but I'm too weak.

The Audience: Truth.

First Lady: Fiiiine, we'll take away the stupid lock.

[She unlocks Papageno's mouth.]

Papageno: YESSS I CAN TALK AGAIN

Second Lady: But don't tell any more lies, or else we'll find you and torture you some more.

Third Lady: Yeah, we do a lot of torturing.

Tamino: Really? That sounds kinda evil.

First Lady: What my stupid sister or friend or whatever meant to say is that we only hurt bad people like liars and thieves because we're the exact opposite of evil and you can always trust us forever.

Tamino: Sounds legit.

First Lady: Also, please take this magic flute! It can control men's hearts and the elements and shit.

Tamino: That's really cool, but I never learned how to play the flute.

Second Lady: You don't have to know how! It's magic!

Tamino: Yaaaaaaay

Papageno: Wellllll this is a really great party and everything, but I should really be going.

Third Lady: Not so fast. You're going to help Tamino rescue the princess from Sarastro's castle.

Papageno: Oh, hell to the no. Sarastro will murder me and feed my corpse to his dogs!

First Lady: I fail to see the problem.

Papageno: I'm too pretty to die!

First Lady: Whatever. Just trust the prince; he'll keep you safe.

Papageno: Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that. He's like... the prissiest prince ever. He doesn't even have a sword; he has a flute. What the fuck is he going to do against an evil sorcerer?

Second Lady: Fiiiiine. Just stop whining and take this magic glockenspiel.

Third Lady: It'll protect you or something.

Papageno: Really?

First Lady: Kinda. It pretty much does whatever is necessary to advance the plot at any given moment.

Papageno: Yaaaaay for protection!

The Audience: Yaaaaay for advancing the plot!

Tamino: So, wait. How exactly are we supposed to find Sarastro's secret lair, anyway?

Second Lady: It's not a secret lair. It's a giant fucking temple full of sun-worshipers. You can't miss it.

Papageno: You say that, but you might not want to underestimate how incredibly stupid we are.

Tamino: Seriously. It's kind of a problem.

[The Three Ladies confer for a moment.]

Third Lady: Fine; we'll give you a few guides to make sure you get there safely.

[She whistles, and three figures appear.]

Third Lady: These are the Three Spirits!

The Audience: And let us guess. Their names are –

Mozart: First Spirit, Second Spirit, and Third Spirit!

The Audience: You're the worst.

First Lady: The Three Spirits will guide you to Sarastro's temple, where you will rescue Pamina from the light of the sun and return her to her rightful place in the darkness of night!

Papageno: That doesn't sound even remotely foreboding!

Tamino: I'm sure we can trust these nice ladies! Let's go!

[Everyone waves goodbye to each other, and the Three Spirits lead Tamino and Papageno off to start their great adventure. The scene changes to a room in Sarastro's palace; Pamina has just been caught trying to escape, and is being harassed by the evil moor Monostatos, a servant of Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Pamina: Don't touch me.

Monostatos: Oh, stop being so frigid. I'm not really that bad.

Pamina: You're a disgusting barbarian and I hate you and I'd rather die than succumb to your advances.

Monostatos: It's funny that you think you have any choice in the matter. [calling to his slaves] Bring the fuzzy handcuffs!

Pamina: Noooooo

[She faints. The slaves tie Pamina up and leave her alone with the evil black man who wants to spend all of his time raping white women.]

The Audience: Jesus Christ. Who wrote this libretto, Jefferson Davis?

Mozart: Emanuel Schikaneder. He's a friend of mine.

Emanuel Schikaneder: But I prefer to be called "The Schikanator."

The Audience: You're a douche.

[Papageno chooses this moment to wander in. Unsurprisingly, it has taken him under two minutes to get separated from the others and completely lose his way – but he still managed to find Pamina, so Papageno's complete incompetence is still more effective than anything Tamino has done this whole opera.]

The Audience: That would be funny if it weren't so depressingly true.

Papageno: Where the hell am I? Oh, wait – there are people over there! I think I'll just ask for directions.

[He wanders over and comes face to face with Monostatos.]

Papageno: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BLACK MAN

Monostatos: AHH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BIRD MAN

Both: OH SHIT IT MUST BE THE DEVIL

The Audience: oh woooow this is uncomfortable

Me: I know, right?

[And then Papageno and Monostatos make angry faces at each other until Monostatos runs away, proving himself to be a slightly bigger coward than Papageno.]

Papageno: What a wuss. I guess it was pretty stupid to be afraid of him because he's black.

The Audience: Yuuuup.

Papageno: After all – there are black birds, so why shouldn't there be black people?

The Audience: But... that's not... wow. You just compared black people to animals.

[Pamina wakes up.]

Pamina: What the hell? What just happened?

Papageno: You passed out or something. Are you Pamina?

Pamina: HOLY CRAP WHO ARE YOU

Papageno: I'm Papageno! The Queen of the Night sent me and some jackass of a prince to find you.

Pamina: My mother sent you?

Papageno: Yes – assuming you're actually Pamina and not some random bondage enthusiast. I met this prince named Tamino earlier today and your mother thought he was handsome and stuff so she gave him your portrait and he fell in love with you right away!

Pamina: If he loves me so much, where the hell is he?

Papageno: Um... he sent me ahead to announce his arrival.

Pamina: Uh-huh.

Papageno: Yeah.

[He helps her out of the fuzzy handcuffs.]

Pamina: He has no idea where you are, does he.

Papageno: None at all. I'm completely fucking lost.

Pamina: Wonderful. I'm glad my rescuers are so competent.

Papageno: Look, can we just leave before Sarastro finds us and skins me alive? We have to get you back to your true love and everything.

Pamina: And I'm sure you have to get back to your wife!

Papageno: Nope.

Pamina: Girlfriend?

Papageno: Nnnnope.

Pamina: ... favorite prostitute?

Papageno: Surprisingly, there aren't many hookers who will accept payment in live birds.

Pamina: That's not as surprising as you might think.

Papageno: OH GOD I'M SO LONELY

Pamina: [patting him on the shoulder] It's okay. I'm sure you'll find a sweetheart eventually.

Papageno: But I want to get laid nooooow

Pamina: LOVE IS AWESOME AND IT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING

Papageno: FALLING IN LOVE AND HAVING BABIES IS A WOMAN'S MAIN DUTY IN LIFE

Both: WE LOVE THE IDEA OF LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE WILL BOTH ATTEMPT SUICIDE WHEN WE THINK OUR RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T GOING TO WORK OUT

The Audience: Nice to know you guys handle your problems in a healthy fashion.

[Pamina and Papageno have become best friends over the course of a three-minute duet, which is less of a problem than you might think because it actually makes more sense than instantly falling in love with someone's portrait. They join hands and run offstage. The scene changes once more, this time to a nearby grove. There are three temple gates here: the Temple of Nature, the Temple of Reason, and the Temple of Wisdom. Tamino enters with the Three Spirits.]

Tamino: Where the hell are we now?

First Spirit: We're at the Temple of Wisdom.

Tamino: And I'll find Pamina inside?

Second Spirit: Who said anything about Pamina?

Tamino: But –

Third Spirit: Here's the thing. You're kind of a wuss, so you won't be worthy of Pamina until you figure out how to be a man.

Tamino: And how do I do that?

First Spirit: You must be swift as a coursing river!

Second Spirit: With all the force of a great typhoon!

Third Spirit: With all the strength of a raging fire!

All Three: MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON

[They leave.]

Tamino: ... that didn't help at all.

[He looks around at the temples.]

Tamino: Welllll I still have to rescue Pamina, so I should probably go inside.

[He tries the door on the right.]

Disembodied Voices: NOPE

Tamino: Huh. Guess I'll try the door on the left.

Disembodied Voices: GTFO

Tamino: Son of a bitch. Well, let's see what's behind door number three!

[The door opens to reveal the Speaker, a member of Sarastro's order.]

The Speaker: What the hell do you want?

Tamino: Um... love and virtue and stuff like that.

The Speaker: You're a terrible liar. You're here to pick a fight.

Tamino: Not with you! Just with an evil sorcerer named Sarastro.

The Speaker: Sarastro's my boss.

Tamino: He lives in the Temple of Wisdom?

The Speaker: Yuuuuup.

Tamino: DAMMIT

[He starts to leave.]

The Speaker: You're just gonna walk away? What about your quest?

Tamino: Meh.

The Speaker: You know Sarastro isn't actually evil, right?

Tamino: He's totally evil! He kidnaps people and stuff!

The Speaker: Let me guess... you heard this from a woman?

Tamino: The Queen of the Night told me herself!

The Speaker: Yeah, you probably shouldn't believe anything that women tell you because they're all evil bitches and all they do is gossip.

Tamino: Huh. So Sarastro didn't kidnap Pamina?

The Speaker: Oh, he kidnapped the shit out of her – but he did it for a good reason.

Tamino: Which is... ?

The Speaker: I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Tamino: Well, how do I learn the answer?

The Speaker: Only by passing the trials of manhood and wisdom and joining our cult!

[He goes back inside and shuts the door.]

Tamino: Dammit. Will anyone ever tell me what's going on?

Disembodied Voices: Maybe soon! Or maybe never.

Tamino: GODDAMMIT STOP BEING SO MYSTERIOUS

Disembodied Voices: Nnnnnope.

Tamino: Fine. Can you just tell me if Pamina is still alive?

Disembodied Voices: Yeah, she's still alive.

Tamino: Yaaaaaaaaay

[He celebrates by sitting down and playing his flute. A bunch of animals come out of the woods, become entranced by the magic music, and start dancing.]

Tamino: THIS FLUTE IS SO AWESOME AND MAGICAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE AN OPERA ABOUT IT

The Audience: Soooo does the whole "controlling wild animals" thing serve any purpose in the opera other than taking up time?

Mozart: Nope. But it's pretty cool, right?

The Audience: Not really.

[Tamino keeps playing until he hears Papageno's pan-flute sounding nearby.]

Tamino: Hey! That sounds like Papageno!

[The magic flute and the pan pipes play back and forth a couple times, and Tamino rushes offstage to find Papageno. Papageno and Pamina run onstage from the other direction.]

The Audience: [facepalm]

Papageno: Oh man, we're so good at escaping! We should be fine as long as we stay quiet –

Pamina: HEY TAMINO WHERE ARE YOU

Papageno: LOWER YOUR GODDAMN VOICE

[Papageno plays his pipes. Tamino's flute answers nearby.]

Pamina: Yaaaay let's go find my pretty prince!

[Monostatos and his slaves enter.]

Monostatos: Or not.

Pamina and Papageno: SHIIIIIT

Monostatos: You'll never escape me, princess! Evil laughter!

Papageno: Hmm. Let's see what happens when I play the Deus Ex Glockenspiel...

[He starts playing. Monostatos and the slaves are immediately entranced by the music and start dancing.]

Monostatos: wooowww soooo prettyyyyyy

The Slaves: yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh

Papageno: That's right, bitches. Twirl for me.

[Monostatos and the slaves dance right offstage.]

Pamina and Papageno: THIS IS THE BEST GLOCKENSPIEL EVER

The Audience: … that's not really saying much.

[Suddenly, there are trumpets and an offstage chorus!]

Offstage Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO 'CAUSE HE'S PRETTY COOL

Papageno: Shit. What do we do?

The Audience: You could do the exact same thing you did two minutes ago and play your glockenspiel.

Papageno: No, because that would be the intelligent thing to do. Any other ideas?

Pamina: We'll just have to tell the truth and face our punishment!

Papageno: Screw that. I'm hiding.

[Papageno cowers and Pamina stands her ground. Sarastro enters with the chorus.]

The Chorus: YAAAY FOR SARASTRO

Pamina: [kneeling before Sarastro] Sorry I tried to escape; your evil black servant was just being super molest-y.

Sarastro: It's okay. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.

Pamina: So can I go back to my mother?

Sarastro: Nope. She's an evil whore.

Pamina: But –

Sarastro: If I let you go back to her, she'll ruin you with her womanly ways.

Pamina: In case you hadn't noticed, I'm also a woman.

Sarastro: But you're still relatively innocent – and if you stay here long enough, you'll become so masculine that you'll barely be a woman at all!

Pamina: Yippee.

[Monostatos enters, dragging Tamino behind him.]

Monostatos: MASTER I FOUND THIS ASSHOLE SNOOPING AROUND THE TEMPLE

[Tamino and Pamina see each other.]

Pamina: My prince!

Tamino: My princess!

Both: [embracing each other] AND IIIIIIIIIIIIeeeIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUUUUUU

The Chorus: Aaahhhh they're touching each other! Gross!

[Monostatos pulls the lovers apart.]

Monostatos: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMAN

[He kneels before Sarastro.]

Monostatos: Master, this guy was planning on stealing the princess! You have to punish him and reward me for my loyal service!

Sarastro: Oh, you'll be rewarded, all right –

Monostatos: Yaaaaaaaay

Sarastro: – with seventy-seven lashes on the soles of your feet!

[Several chorus members grab Monostatos and drag him offstage.]

Monostatos: do not waaaaaaaaant

The Audience: So, wait. Sarastro's supposed to be a good guy, right?

Mozart: Yup.

The Audience: But he's a misogynistic asshole who owns slaves and will torture them at the drop of a hat?

Mozart: He sure is!

The Audience: So... why exactly is he better than the Queen of the Night?

Mozart: Because he has a penis.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Sarastro: Let Tamino and Papageno be blindfolded and led off to undergo some dangerous trials which they may not survive!

Papageno: Goddammit.

The Chorus: LONG LIVE SARASTRO

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]

Lucia di Lammermoor, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: Later the same evening. Edgardo is brooding his way around his secret lair in Broodingswood Tower while a storm rages outside. Everyone always cuts this scene because the opera is long enough without more emo bullshit.

Edgardo: THE STORM SYMBOLIZES MY INNER ANGUISH

The Audience: Or maybe it just symbolizes atmospheric convection.

Edgardo: I have no idea what that means.

The Audience: Yeah, we can tell.

Edgardo: Anyway, Lucia's a bitch and I hope she goes crazy and murders her husband or something.

Donizetti: I thought I told you to stop reading ahead in the score.

Edgardo: OH NO I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING

The Audience: Oh nooooo

[Enrico enters.]

Enrico: IT IS I, ENRICO

Edgardo: What! How'd you find my secret lair?

Enrico: You're in a tower at night and there's a fire in the hearth. This place is practically a lighthouse right now.

Edgardo: Shit.

Enrico: Anyway, I came here to challenge you to a duel for your insult to my honor.

Edgardo: My insult? You're the one who killed my father!

Enrico: Well, you broke into my castle –

Edgardo: – which is supposed to be mine –

Enrico: – and called my sister a whore.

The Audience: But to be fair, you are pimping her out for power and influence.

Enrico: Shut up.

Edgardo: WELL YOU CAN'T CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL BECAUSE I CHALLENGE YOU FIRST

Enrico: NUH-UH

Edgardo: YUH-HUH

Enrico: ... dammit.

Edgardo: THE GHOST OF MY FATHER CRIES OUT FOR VENGEANCE

Enrico: AND LUCIA IS ALSO CRYING OUT BECAUSE ARTURO IS BANGING HER SENSELESS AS WE SPEAK

Edgardo: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Enrico: MAKE ME

Edgardo: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU

Enrico: BRING IT

Edgardo: NAME THE TIME AND PLACE

Enrico: TOMORROW MORNING AT YOUR DAD'S TOMB

Edgardo: FINE

Enrico: GOOD

Both: SOMETHING SOMETHING VENGEANCE

[Enrico exits. The scene shifts to the great hall of Ravenswood Castle, where everyone is getting drunk at the wedding reception.]

The Chorus: WOOO NOW THAT LUCIA'S MARRIED TO ARTURO NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO THE ASHTON FAMILY AGAAAIIIN

[Raimondo enters.]

Raimondo: HEY SOMETHING BAD JUST HAPPENED

The Chorus: GODDAMMIT

Raimondo: I know, right? I wish someone could have seen this coming.

The Audience: [sighs heavily]

The Chorus: So what the hell happened, anyway?

Raimondo: Well, I was walking past the honeymoon suite when I heard a man groaning and crying out –

The Chorus: Ew. Too much information.

Raimondo: Not in a sexy way. More in an "Oh god, I'm being horrifically murdered" kinda way.

The Chorus: Oh.

Raimondo: Sooo I rushed inside and saw Arturo lying in a puddle of his own blood, with fifteen stab wounds in his torso and his pants around his ankles.

The Chorus: Holy shit.

Raimondo: Yeah. Lucia was just sitting on the bed, clutching Arturo's dagger and making crazy eyes at me. And then she smiled and asked me where her husband was.

The Chorus: Jesus. Did you call the guards?

Raimondo: Nah, I thought the safest thing to do was to let this mentally unhinged murderess wander around the castle for a while. I'm sure she won't hurt anyone else.

The Chorus: [facepalm]

The Audience: Yeah, that wasn't your best decision.

Raimondo: I just hope that Lucia's penchant for inflicting stabbity death doesn't bring the wrath of heaven down on us!

The Audience: You should probably worry more about what the rest of Arturo's family is going to do when they find out he was murdered at his own wedding.

Raimondo: ... oh, fuck.

The Chorus: We're all screwed, aren't we.

The Audience: Yuuuuuuup.

[Lucia enters, covered in blood and looking crazy.]

The Chorus: Wow, she looks like shit.

Lucia: HEY EDGARDO I GOT RID OF THAT OTHER GUY SO NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER

[She starts wandering around, brandishing the bloody dagger.]

Lucia: Meet me by the fountain and we can hold hands and kiss and HOLY SHIT CAN YOU SEE THAT GHOST but oh man we should get married now!

Raimondo: Okay, this is a little awkward. Maybe it would have been better to call the guards.

The Audience: Nice of you to notice.

Lucia: I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
JUST HEAR THEM CHIMING
I CAN HEAR THE BELLS
MY TEMPERATURE'S CLIMBING
I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY
'CAUSE I FINALLY FOUND THE BOY I'VE BEEN MISSIN'
LISTEN
I CAN HEAR THE BEEEELLLLLLS

My Blog Readers: ... Hairspray? Really?

Me: Don't judge me.

The Chorus: TAKE PITY ON HER, O LORD

The Audience: Um... bitch just murdered her husband. Jesus probably isn't too happy with her right now.

Jesus: Meh. I'll give her a pass because she's crazy.

Lucia: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AWESOME FOR US FROM NOW ON

[Enrico enters.]

Enrico: HOLY SHIT DID MY SISTER REALLY MURDER ARTURO

Raimondo: Yuuuup.

Enrico: FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL WHORE

The Audience: Yeah, That about sums it up.

Enrico: YOU CRAZY BITCH THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Raimondo: You know, if you think about it, this is actually your fault.

Enrico: Um... was I the one who stabbed Arturo to death?

Raimondo: No, but –

Enrico: THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FAULT

Raimondo: – you were such a dick to her that she went crazy?

Enrico: You're so full of shit.

[Enrico sees Lucia.]

Lucia: babble babble oogaboogaboo

Enrico: OH GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT

Lucia: EDGARDO I'M SORRY FOR SIGNING THAT MARRIAGE CONTRACT BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS A HUGE DOUCHEBAG

The Chorus: It's true; he really is.

Lucia: DON'T RUN FROM ME EDGARDO I LOVE YOUUUUU

Everyone: MAY THE ALMIGHTY HAVE PITY ON THIS POOR INNOCENT CREATURE

The Audience: Uh... has everyone forgotten that she straight-up murdered a guy ten minutes ago?

Everyone: YUUUUUP

Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME

Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD

Donizetti: You know, I really liked those last four pages. Let's do them all over again!

Lucia: SHED A TEAR FOR ME WHEN I'M DEAD AND IN HEAVEN AND I WILL LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND SMILE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME JOIN ME

Everyone: THIS IS SO VERY SAD

Donizetti: Perfect.

[Lucia sings a high note and collapses into Alisa's arms.]

Alisa: Remember me? I'm a character!

The Audience: Yeah, whatever.

[The scene changes once again. Edgardo is waiting in the graveyard for his duel to the death with Enrico, and still being a whiny son of a bitch.]

Edgardo: Hey, spirits of my ancestors – I know I'm about to fight a duel to avenge our family's besmirched honor, but I think I'm actually just going to impale myself on Enrico's sword because my life is completely worthless without Lucia to keep me happy.

The Spirits of Edgardo's Ancestors: You're the worst descendant ever.

The Audience: Seriously. What a pussy.

Edgardo: I bet everyone's still up celebrating and she's busy getting plowed by that asshole Arturo. WELL FINE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE

The Audience: You never learned about dramatic irony in English class, did you.

Edgardo: No... why do you ask?

The Audience: No reason.

Edgardo: Whatever. SOON I WILL JOIN MY DEAD ANCESTORS AND NO ONE WILL BE AROUND TO MOURN ME

The Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY

Edgardo: POOR MEEEE

[The Male Chorus enters, looking sad.]

The Male Chorus: WOE IS US

Edgardo: What the fuck do you assholes have to be sad about?

The Male Chorus: THAT POOR GIRL

Edgardo: Which poor girl? What are you talking about?

The Male Chorus: LUCIA IS DYING BECAUSE REASONS

Edgardo: Oh no! Is she sick? Or possibly wounded by a wild bull?

The Male Chorus: NAH SHE JUST WENT CRAZY AND STABBED HER HUSBAND

Edgardo: Oh. So she's dying because...

The Male Chorus: GOING CRAZY IS APPARENTLY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR HEALTH

Edgardo: I'll just take your word for it.

The Male Chorus: SHE WAS JUST SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT SHE COULDN'T MARRY ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT BRUTALLY MURDERING HIM

Edgardo: Aw, that's kinda sweet.

[A bell begins to ring.]

The Male Chorus: HER DEATH BELL IS RINGING

Edgardo: Oh nooooo I have to see her one last time before I die!

[Edgardo attempts to exit, but is stopped by Raimondo.]

Raimondo: Don't bother; she's already dead.

Edgardo: GODDAMMIT

Raimondo: But I'm pretty sure she's in heaven now, so it's okay.

Jesus: We're now admitting murderers! COME ON IN

Edgardo: OH MY BEAUTIFUL LUCIA WE WERE PARTED ON EARTH BUT WE WILL BE REJOINED IN HEAVEN

[He draws his dagger.]

Raimondo and the Chorus: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Edgardo: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE

The Male Chorus: Don't kill yourself! Suicide is a sin!

Jesus: And for a limited time only, we're also accepting suicides into heaven!

Edgardo: WOOOO

[He stabs himself.]

The Male Chorus: OH NOOOO

Jesus: Just kidding. You're probably gonna go to hell.

Edgardo: Son of a BITCH.

[He dies. End of the opera.]

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]

Lucia di Lammermoor, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Enrico's chambers in the castle. An unspecified amount of time has passed. Enrico is sitting at a table, thinking really hard about how he can be more of an asshole to his last remaining family member. Enter Normanno.

Normanno: Lucia's on her way, sir.

Enrico: Good. Now all I have to do is convince her to marry Arturo Bucklaw, and the Ashton family will be in a position of power once again!

Normanno: Should be a piece of cake. How many weeks do you have before the wedding?

Enrico: It's tonight. The guests are already starting to arrive.

Normanno: Oh.

Enrico: Yeah.

Normanno: Well, it sounds like you're pretty much screwed.

Enrico: Shut up. We've got the forged letter saying Edgardo doesn't love Lucia anymore, right?

Normanno: Yeah, but –

Enrico: Then it'll be fine.

Normanno: You should probably give her some time to process this. Like... more than a few hours.

Enrico: Why should I bother? All she needs to do is sign a little piece of paper. And also let a complete stranger plow her like a plot of fertile land.

Normanno: Well, the shock of apparently being betrayed by her true love will be a lot to deal with, even before you take the "sex with a complete stranger" thing into account. She could have a nervous breakdown or something.

Enrico: She's a big girl; she can deal with it. Give me the letter and go find Arturo.

Normanno: Fine. Just don't blame me when she goes crazy.

Enrico: Deal.

[Normanno hands over the letter and exits. Lucia enters, looking frail and pallid.]

The Audience: Okay, either the strain of her separation from Edgardo is taking a really big toll, or she developed a heroin addiction between acts.

Me: Can't it be both?

Enrico: [attempting to be friendly] Heyyyyy, sis. How's it going?

Lucia: Fuck yourself.

Enrico: You should really be happier. It's your wedding day!

Lucia: Fuck yourself.

Enrico: Still in love with Edgardo, huh?

Lucia: YES YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME

Enrico: Actually, as your closest living male relative, I can pretty much make you do whatever I want –

Lucia: [growls]

The Women in the Audience: [also growl]

Enrico: – but it would be a lot easier for everyone involved if I didn't have to force you. Can you just get over that Ravenswood asshole and marry this complete stranger I've picked out for you?

Lucia: NO I SWORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO EDGARDO

Enrico: Not this bullshit again. Look, just read this letter and maybe you'll change your mind.

[He gives her the letter.]

Lucia: "My Dearest Lucia,
It is I, Edgardo. Sorry about not writing to you sooner – it's definitely not because your dashingly handsome brother has been intercepting my letters; it's just that I've been balls-deep in French pussy this whole time and I pretty much forgot you existed. The women here do things you would never even dream of, and it's made me realize that I don't love you anymore because you're a frigid bitch. You should probably marry whatever guy your brother wants you to, because he's an excellent judge of character.
Go to hell,
Edgardo
PS: In case you're wondering why my handwriting looks completely different than it ever has before, it's because my right hand is currently occupied with a charming Parisian prostitute by the name of Mademoiselle Pamplemousse and so I'm writing this letter with my left. Goodbye forever."

[Lucia starts crying.]

Enrico: I know it's pretty harsh, but he has some good points. Like how you should do whatever I tell you to.

Lucia: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER

Enrico: There, there... it's not your fault. Well, except for the part where you were ready to put your own selfish desires before the good of your family. That's all on you, champ.

Lucia: I CAN'T BELIEVE I SWORE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER

[Festive music starts playing the the background.]

Lucia: Wait... what's that?

Enrico: Oh, that's just your new husband arriving. So you're all set to get married now, right?

Lucia: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Enrico: I don't get what the problem is. Your boyfriend dumped you, so the perfect way to get revenge on him is by marrying someone else!

Lucia: I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

Enrico: Well, tough. I've made some questionable political decisions in the past couple years, and they're gonna come back and bite me in the ass if you don't get married to Arturo.

Lucia: NOOO

Enrico: IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS GUY I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING EXECUTED

The Audience: Jesus. What did he do?

Donizetti: Wait just a second; they're going to explain everything.

The Audience: Seriously?

Donizetti: Nope. I'm just gonna leave it to your imagination.

The Audience: We hate you.

Lucia: OH GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY

Enrico: IF I GET MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS I'M GOING TO COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE

Lucia: GOD HAVE MERCY ON ME

Enrico: SAY YES TO THE DRESS, LUCIA

Lucia: I WANT TO DIE

Enrico: DO IT

Lucia: NO

Enrico: DOOO IIIIT

Lucia: ... maybe.

[And then there's a scene change. The scene that follows is frequently cut, so here's the quick version:]

Raimondo: Hey, so I know you were worried that Enrico might have been intercepting your mail because he's an asshole, but I personally made sure that one of your letters was actually sent to France. Since we haven't heard anything back from Edgardo, the only possible conclusion is that he doesn't love you anymore.

Lucia: ... goddammit.

Raimondo: Also, I know that you don't want to marry a complete stranger, but it's for the good of your family so you should probably suck it up and do what your brother tells you to. It's a pretty big sacrifice, but God will be proud of you for taking one for the team and you'll be rewarded in Heaven.

Lucia: So you're saying that death is my best-case scenario?

Raimondo: More or less.

Lucia: ... sounds legit.

The Audience: YOU'RE THE WORST PRIEST EVER

[Another scene change! The chorus has gathered in the great hall of the castle for a super awesome wedding celebration.]

The Chorus: WE LOVE WEDDINGS

[Arturo enters and addresses Enrico.]

Arturo: Sooo your family has had its problems, but I'm going to use my considerable influence to make sure you stay wealthy and powerful!

Enrico: Yaaaaaaaay

Arturo: Assuming, of course, that your sister puts out.

Enrico: [muttering] That bitch better hold up her end of the bargain or I will pimp-slap her back to the Renaissance.

Arturo: What was that?

Enrico: Nothing. Here, have a drink! We're almost brothers now!

[They shotgun beers together and it's hella manly.]

The Chorus: WOOOOO

Arturo: Soooo not to sound impatient, but where the hell is my bride-to-be?

Enrico: Just getting ready. By the way, if it seems like she's utterly repulsed by you on a physical and/or emotional level, don't take it personally. She's just reeeally sad about her dead mother.

Arturo: Duly noted. Also, I've heard rumors that she's been seeing some asshole named Edgardo?

Enrico: Yeah, see, the thing about that is –

The Chorus: OH HEY HERE COMES LUCIA

Enrico: – never mind. Come meet your wife!

Arturo: Nice. I especially like the glint of impending madness in her eyes.

Enrico: I've always said it was one of her best features. Say hello to the nice man, Lucia!

Lucia: DO NOT WANT

Enrico: [whispering] bitch if you ruin this for me I will fucking kill you

Arturo: Props on having a hot sister, bro. I'm gonna tear that ass up.

Enrico: Yeah, she's a real peach. Now let's sign the contract and make this marriage legally binding before someone does something stupid!

Arturo: Sounds good to me!

Raimondo: Hold on, we've got to get the obligatory line out of the way first – if any man here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace!

The Audience: Oh man, so Edgardo's gonna come in and break up the wedding and it's gonna be super awesome, right?

Me: Not exactly.

The Chorus: [shuts up]

Raimondo: No, really. Does anyone want to object?

Crickets: chirp chirp

Raimondo: Huh. I was expecting some sort of dramatic entrance there.

The Audience: Seriously.

Enrico: CAN THEY SIGN THE CONTRACT NOW

Raimondo: Yeah sure whatever.

[Arturo signs.]

Lucia: Don't wannaaaaa

Enrico: Shut your whiny mouth and write your name on that parchment.

Lucia: Fiiiine.

[She signs the marriage contract.]

Enrico: WOOOO

Lucia: And now I think I'm gonna faint!

[There's a commotion outside.]

The Chorus: OH NO WHAT IS THAT COMMOTION OUTSIDE

[Edgardo bursts in, ready to buckle some motherfucking swash and stop a wedding.]

Edgardo: 'TIS I, EDGARDO

The Chorus: OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO

The Audience: WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Edgardo: I object to this wedding!

Raimondo: It's a little late for that, man. I said the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing like... ten minutes ago.

The Audience: Seriously. It's like he has no sense of dramatic timing.

Edgardo: So she's already married?

Raimondo: Yuuuuuup.

Edgardo: Fuck.

[And then everyone stands in place and sings a sextet.]

Edgardo: BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE BUT I LOVE YOU ANWAY YOU STUPID WHORE

Enrico: OH SHIT IT'S MY ARCH-NEMESIS AND I SHOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BAD FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO MY SISTER

Lucia: DAMMIT I HAD HOPED THE SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH WOULD TAKE ME BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT BUT IT DIDN'T AND NOW I'M MARRIED TO SOME ASSHOLE

Raimondo: OH MAN THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD

Alisa: HEY LOOK AT ME I'M STILL A CHARACTER

Arturo: I JUST WANTED A NICE WEDDING AND NOW IT'S RUINED

The Chorus: POOOOOR LUCIAAAAA

Enrico: Oh, and by the way. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE YOU ASSHOLE

Arturo: YEAH

The Chorus: ALSO YEAH

Edgardo: IT WAS MY CASTLE FIRST

Enrico: FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH

[Everyone draws their swords.]

Edgardo's Backup: [does not appear in this opera]

Edgardo: So, wait. I'm alone against a castle full of armed men who want to murder me?

Donizetti: Yuuuuup.

The Audience: You really didn't think this through, did you.

Edgardo: Fuuuuuuuck.

The Audience: Yeah. This might be a good time to run the hell away, or maybe start being extremely polite.

[Edgardo draws his sword.]

Edgardo: OKAY KILL ME IF YOU CAN BUT I'MA TAKE SOME OF YOU BASTARDS WITH ME

The Audience: Wow. It's like he has a death wish or something.

Donizetti: Yeah, about that...

The Audience: Oh, well. At least things are getting interesting now!

Raimondo: EVERYBODY CALM YOUR TITS

The Audience: Goddammit.

Raimondo: Put your weapons away in the name of God! He who lives by the sword shall also die by the sword!

Edgardo: Do daggers count as swords?

Enrico: What about axes?

Arturo: Ooh! Or what about gangrene from a festering sword wound?

Raimondo: ... for fuck's sake. HE WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD OR SOME OTHER WEAPON WILL DIE FROM A WEAPON-RELATED INJURY OR RELATED MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS

Edgardo: Better.

Normanno: What about wild bulls? 'Cause that's apparently a thing in Scotland.

Raimondo: JUST SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING

Everyone: Fiiiiine.

[They all put their swords away.]

Enrico: So what the hell are you doing here, anyway?

Edgardo: I came here to claim Lucia as my wife! We swore sacred vows to each other!

Raimondo: Well, it's too late for that now. They signed the marriage contract and everything.

Wesley: You know, the marriage isn't really official until both parties say "I do!"

Enrico: Shut up, Wesley.

Wesley: ... as you wish.

[Edgardo reads the marriage contract.]

Edgardo: Son of a bitch. [to Lucia] Is this your signature?

Lucia: ... yes?

Edgardo: WHAT THE HELL LUCIA HOW COULD YOU

Lucia: Hey, remember that time when women were allowed to marry whomever they wanted and were treated like actual human beings instead of sentient pieces of property?

Edgardo: No?

Lucia: Yeah, me neither. SO FUCK OFF IT'S NOT REALLY MY FAULT

Edgardo: TAKE BACK YOUR STUPID RING I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE

Lucia: FINE

Edgardo: AND GIVE ME BACK MY RING TOO

Lucia: FINE

Edgardo: YOU'RE A DIRTY LYING BACKSTABBING WHORE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU

Everyone Else: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY AND STOP RUINING THE WEDDING

Edgardo: MAKE ME

Everyone Else: ... 'kay.

[They draw their swords.]

Edgardo: Fuuuuuuck.

The Audience: Hasn't this happened already?

Me: Yeah, pretty much.

Edgardo: I'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE WITH THIS BETRAYAL

Enrico and Arturo: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED

Edgardo: ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL JUST RUN THE HELL AWAY

[Edgardo exits, pursued by a bunch of sword-wielding Scotsmen. Lucia's delicate female mind chooses this precise moment to snap like a brittle twig.]

Lucia: ahblahblahblooble

Arturo: Awesome. Time to consummate the marriage!

[End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III  

[Partially adapted from the original post at Snark & Son, Inc.]